Original subtitles

Sunday, Monday, happy day.

Tuesday, Wednesday, happy day.

Thursday, Friday, happy day.

The weekend comes, the cycle hums. Ready to race to you.

These days are ours.

I've been free. Oh, happy days.

These days are ours.

Sheldon, the queen. Oh, baby. Goodbye, gray sky, hello, blue.

There's nothing can hold me when I hold you.

It's all right. It can't be wrong.

Rockin' and rollin'. Oh, no.

Sunday,

Monday, happy days. Tuesday, Wednesday, happy days. Thursday, Friday, happy

days. Saturday, what a day.

Groovin' all week with you.

Tuesday drive.

The reserves are today's minute, and I, for one, am honored to be going.

Yeah, yeah, well, maybe you don't have anything better to do, but I'm scheduled

for root canal surgery, and I was looking forward to it.

Violation of section 29B.

Your motorcycle's parked in a loading zone.

Observe. I am unloading. Hey, Arnold, here are the straws you wanted.

Aw, jeez.

Thanks, Fonzie.

Boy, I sure was getting tired washing them old ones.

You see that? There's no violation here. Why don't you go and arrest Bambi for

being an orphan?

able to shamelessly cower behind the structure of your legal right.

Kirk, Kirk, get over here. Hurry up.

Don't go out there alone. There's a leash law in this city now.

Hey, Fonz.

Hey, Fonz.

Looks like you're not going to be seeing much of me for the next couple of

weeks. Oh, shoot. I had so many things planned for just the two of us.

What he's trying to say is, well, Fonzie and I have been called for the reserve

duty at Camp Waldenburg. Oh, yeah? Yeah. You're going to camp?

Well, make sure your mother throws little name tags in your underwear,

Fonzie, one's military obligation is no laughing matter.

Wait a minute. I happen to be very patriotic. I try to join up during the

blockade, right? Yeah, what happened? Well, my knee ain't what it used to be

after that motorcycle jump.

Yeah, that was one stupid stunt.

But extremely inspiring.

This letter just came for you. I think it's very important, so I ran it right

over here. It's from the Department of Defense. Yeah, I can see that. Yeah, it

must be a thank you note. I sent them some ideas to soup up their tanks. Wow.

What's so funny?

Are you kidding? They're asking me to come there to Camp Wallenberg.

Oh, that's wonderful.

I'm going to go home right now and sew name tags in your underwear.

I mean, come on. I am.

even in the reserves.

I didn't make it into Captain Midnight's secret squadron.

I am not going.

When I thought there was a war, I tried to join up. And then when peace broke

out, I made plans.

Oh. I mean, what are they going to do? They're going to teach me how to fight?

Fancy, you can't just ignore the United States Army.

Uh, Ashley, don't you worry about it.

Howard is going to get Arthur out of it.

He is an expert at getting out of things. In 20 years, he hasn't put up

storm windows.

Mary, do you mind? I'm on the phone to Washington.

Yeah. If you go into the army, that means you won't be coming to my birthday

Saturday.

No, it doesn't.

Sweetie Pie, I will be at your party, you understand?

I could be in the deepest, darkest jungles in Austria.

And you on the other.

I am very touched.

I am. I'm touched.

Gavante, maybe you should make promises you can't keep.

Let me tell you something.

There are three people in this world you can count on. Me, the Pope, and a lone

rink.

Yeah, well, thanks anyway, Homer. I hope things work out for you. Yeah.

Well, that was Homer Buford, my old army buddy. He works at the Pentagon.

You see that? Don't get your tummy tied up in knots.

Unfortunately, he's just been arrested for giving secrets to the Russians.

I'm going to put together some pictures for you to put in your locker.

You're going to have to report just as ordered.

I'll tell you something. Let's grab hold of ourselves here, will you? I mean,

there are thousands of people all over the world in the army, you know,

defending our beaches with democracy.

Are they going to miss one very cute guy from Milwaukee?

There's a cute one of Richie and Tony in the tub.

Good evening, sir.

We've ordered to pick up one private, Arthur Fonzarelli.

Are you Arthur Fonzarelli?

No, but bless you for asking.

Now, he's that one cute fellow over there from the walk.

You better come with us, soldier.

Yeah, uh, listen, gentlemen.

It's not that I don't want to go, you know.

I never saw trees walk before.

It's just that it's the weekend, you know? I got plans.

Like, Monday. I'm available Monday.

Now? Yes, indeed, now. Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.

I have seen, I have seen more pictures.

I know the guy gets the kisses, girl. Goodbye.

You'd be a fool not to.

I love those movies.

Then they go to the train station and she has to run alongside the train, but

the train is going so fast they can't...

Howard always says... You're making a spectacle of yourself, Mary. That's what

he always says.

Now, listen.

Heather, don't you worry about your party. I will be there. It's a mistake,

understand? I'll be back an hour, hour and a half, all right?

You guys, down, down, down, down.

I don't want to be too pushy, but do you mind if I drive?

Yeah, okay.

Don't get too excited, all right? This is a mistake. I'm going to be out of

faster than you can say, Audie Murphy.

Audie Murphy, you're still here.

You want to be my partner during bayonet drill?

You bet. Hey, guys, you picked me.

In the meantime, why don't you stow your gear over here, and this will be your

bunk. Okay. Okay, let's get this together here. Yeah.

This is not my gear.

This is not my life, you understand?

I hate to pull a rank on you, but this jacket, it's not regulation.

Oh, yeah, Rod? Yeah.

Who died and made you coat of arms?

All right, look, I realize you're here by an unfortunate mistake, but if we all

pull together, we might actually have some fun. Yeah, that's right. The Army's

great place, Fonz. Good food, nice clothes, great training films.

Saturday night, the show, and a night of pleasure, a month of pain.

I already saw the stage version. The movie is boring.

I'll see you. No, wait, Fonz, you can't just walk out. Oh, yeah? Why not?

Because if the commanding officer finds out, you'll be A -W -O -L. The

commanding officer, the man I want to see, I'm going to straighten this out

and for all.

The SEAL's coming! Fonz, come on! Hey, Fonz! Fonz, come on, down here, just by

your box.

Just for me, one second.

Right here? Yeah, that's good. All right, I'll stay.

Uh, Tin Hut?

All right, men, fall in!

Fonzarelli, my Christmas came early this year.

Officer Kirk, I would love to say it's my pleasure, but I can't.

It's a major Barton C. Kirk here, and don't you forget it, dogface.

Let us not get carried away, all right? This is one big mistake.

The Army doesn't make mistakes, it makes men.

No hiding now, Fonzarelli.

Your flimsy Bill of Rights is not going to do you any good here.

Life is good.

Not from this side of your face.

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Happy birthday!

So, uh, where's the cake?

We're not having cake.

Uh -oh.

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All right.

Everybody rise and shine.

Let's go.

Nah, I'm just kidding. Come on, you guys. Get out of bed. Let's go. Jump to

Let's go, Weber.

Let's go, Perry.

Ponzarelli, you're no different than anybody else.

Well,

you are different, but not here.

What time is it, Roger?

0500. In American time, Roger.

5 a .m. Good night, Roger.

Good night, Ponz. Hey, Raj.

Yeah. He's like a bear in the morning until he's had his sugar pops.

All right, men, fall in.

Oh, Fonz.

Fonz Kirk is here. Get out of bed. Let him get his own bed.

Looking good, men. Looking good.

Shit, shit.

Good work, Phillips. See, sir?

Is that your bunk bedder? Yes, sir. I can't hear you.

Thank you.

Fonz, Fonz, don't get him angry. He'll never get a pass to Heather's birthday

party.

Come on, for Heather.

All right, move it, soldier.

For Heather.

Let's go. Down on the floor, soldier.

I'm warning you, Fonz, really.

If I catch you screwing up, and I will, you're going to beg for mercy. You're

going to squirm.

You're going to...

You, fella.

And don't think I'm just saying words.

Try me, fella.

You want to push me to the wall, you just try it.

You're on report, soldier.

What a way to start the day.

I'm going to kill him. No, you can't kill him, Ponce. It's just what he wants

you to do.

Ponce, come over here and sit down. Come on.

Come on.

Atta boy. Come on.

Remember? Heather.

Thank you. Heather, I'll tell you something.

What? I'm going to get this pass.

Yeah?

And to get this pass, I'm going to be the best G .I.

since, uh... What's his name?

The Unknown Soldier.

Didn't even break a sweat. Well, I started to. I told my glands to stop.

I didn't want to give Kirk the satisfaction.

I get that pass for Heather's birthday. I will sweat.

All right, men. Fall in for your passes.

I'm proud of you, men.

You've worked hard. There you go, soldier.

And you've trained hard.

Young ho, suck it in over there, Weber. Get it in there, boy.

Straighten up.

Everybody with private funds are really sweated hard.

you, Fonzarelli.

You know I do, sir. I don't hear you. I said you know I do, sir.

I may be a hard man, Fonzarelli, but I'm a fair man.

All you gotta do to get this pass is lick my boots.

Now you know I'm not gonna get my pass the way you get promotions.

Okay, now watch closely.

Watch closely, all right?

This is a poodle what got in a car accident.

Your word.

Not Ponzi.

Why not?

Sweetheart, your friends are all very tired and the ice cream is melting.

I got something for you.

Well,

you know she'll grow into it, right?

This is just like I wanted.

Mommy on one side and Fonzie on the other.

I just wish that I could see them.

Well, listen, I want to tell you something. You better blow out your

because they're melting in the cake.

fun. I gotta go.

I love you and happy birthday, right?

I'll see you.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Hold it, Fonz. What? Come here.

I thought they gave you a weekend pass.

Well, I didn't exactly get a pass. I may seal you.

You're A -W -O -L. However you spell it, I'm in deep trouble. Come on. I'm going

to drive you back to the boat. Well, can't you stay a little longer? Hey, I

would love to. I'm supposed to be back, what, at 1700 hours.

Well, when you look at the time, it's 1 ,800 hours. See that? I'm 100 hours

late.

How do you do, son?

I'll see you.

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And in big trouble, too. Yeah.

Hey,

Slack Corporal.

Never thought I'd make it.

You're lucky. Kirk's going to be here any minute.

Hey, Fives. Yeah. This came for you while you were gone.

Now read it to me. It's probably the captain asked me to sit at his table.

Hey, Font.

Yeah? You didn't have to come back. What are you talking about? These are your

release papers.

Are you kidding? No.

You mean I'm out of the Army? Yep.

No more 20 -mile hikes? Nope. No more mystery meet? Nope.

No more showers with Potsy?

At ease, ma 'am.

Major Kirk.

Sir, just the man I want to see. Silence.

Fonzarelli, you are a disgusting, utterly despicable sight.

I wouldn't talk. I've seen you in your shorts.

I'd cite you for insubordination if you weren't in bigger trouble already.

The general's arriving here for inspection in precisely two minutes.

You mean it's not, oh, two minutes?

Whatever you want to call it, Fonzarelli, any way you call it.

It's not much time when you've got to redo a spoon of bed.

I can't believe this, Kirk.

The general is coming, and you mess up my bed like that, I'll never get it

I'll bet the next thing you're going to do is mess up my footlocker. You win

that bet, Fonzarelli.

Oh, no.

Oh, my gosh. 45 seconds, fella. 45 seconds? The only thing you haven't

is my duffel bag, son.

Oh, well.

Here it is.

Yeah, that's the one. Oh, yeah.

Oh, no.

Check to see if there's something else in there.

All right, Ponserilli.

Now you clean up this pigsty or you'll be in jail making little rocks out of

rocks till the day you die.

Let me tell you something, tank breath.

If I was in the army, I would be shaking in my boots.

Peek a stinking boo.

Arthur, really?

What's that word?

Civilian.

This is impossible.

Oh, no, no, no, no. What's impossible is cleaning up this mess in ten seconds.

And since there is no soldier assigned to this area, I would assume so. It is

yours.

General. Oh, yes?

Yes, sir. I mean, no, sir. There's been a mistake, sir. You see, we... Your

Eminence, could I speak forth here? Just go right ahead, soldier. Thanks a lot.

I don't think the Army makes mistakes. They just make men.

That is key, Rhett.

And who might you be?

I'm just a patriotic American, sir, with a bum knee.

I want you to assume the position and give me 25.

One, two, three, four, five.

Next on the Brady Bunch.

Don't be surprised if you're mesmerized by Robert Reed.

Why? He studied at the prestigious Royal Academy of Dramatic Arts.

You'd probably already guessed that. Stay tuned for episode number 16, Mike's

Horror Scope.