All language subtitles for Happy Days s10e13 I Drink, Therefore I Am

Happy day.

Happy day. Happy day. Happy day. Happy
day. Happy day.

Happy day. Happy day. Happy day. Happy
day. Happy day.

Happy day.

Happy day.

Happy day.

Happy

day.

Sunday,

Monday, happy days.

Tuesday, Wednesday, happy days.

Thursday, Friday, happy days. Saturday,
what a day.

We're moving all week with you.

These days are ours.

committee is hereby called to order. Who
wants to be recording secretary?

Darn it, I wanted that job.

That's always been a dream of mine.

Mons,

you okay?

Mother Nature fed me a knuckle sandwich.

What's the matter?

Somebody steal your bike?

Fruit of the loom stop making t -shirts?

I said my barber died.

I mean, there I was sitting in a chair,
you know.

I had this hot, warm towel all around my
face. The smell of menthol in the air.

All of a sudden, the clippers went dead.

And so did Rudy.

I don't know, what do I do now? I mean,
he was the only man that ever cut my

hair. I'd say bury that sucker.

Have you no respect?

That sucker was a genius. He could have
won the world a surprise for hair.

Now he's up there giving the big guy a
duck tail.

Hey,

Bart.

My barber's real good.

Oh, yeah?

At what?

So, about those decorations for the
winter carnival.

I think that they should be decorative
and wintry.

Gosh, you're good.

Ginny, who are those guys that Flip's
been hanging out with?

Well, the really cute blonde one, he's
Kelly Barnes.

Yeah? Oh, I saw him at a party last
week, and he got drunk and threw up all

the front lawn.

What a guy.

Hey, guys, what's going on here?

You are looking at the Winter Carnival
Decorations Committee.

Oh, well, that's a big responsibility.

How do you sleep nights?

Well, you see, I have this little mask
and earplugs.

I'll bet you do, Belvin.

Flip, what is wrong with you? What?

Have you been drinking?

Yeah, I had some beer.

One or two or... How many are in a six
-pack?

Are you drunk?

Jenny, have I ever told you how gorgeous
you are? You are drunk.

Hey, Flip.

Let's go. There's Zippo going on here.
We'll have some fun. Right.

Don't kill yourselves with the
decorations, okay? Because no matter

it's still going to smell like a gym.

Wait up, Flip. I want to talk to you.

Here.

You've been drinking. You smell like a
brewery. Right. This is Milwaukee.

The whole town smells like a brewery.

Flip, I don't want you hanging around
with Kelly and his crowd. I don't like

them. Yeah? Yeah. I don't like your tie.

Flip, come back.

Flip, get back.

This happens to be a Don Lopez.

Marion, I'm home.

Oh, Howard.

How is everything at the new store?

Oh, terrific, terrific.

The waffle irons are going like
hotcakes.

Who are these men?

Oh, dear. Now, this is Mr. Ed and Mr.
Vincent and Mr. Henri. Nice to meet you,

gentlemen. Oh, nice hair.

Thank you.

Uh, Marion, could I see you for just a
second, please? Oh, excuse us.

What are they doing in our living room,
huh? Well, Arthur is still auditioning

barbers up at his place, and he didn't
think it was fair for the barbers to see

their competition, and, you know, Rudy
would have wanted it that way. He's

carrying on about Rudy, huh?

Do you know that every single day he's
been putting old magazines on Rudy's

grave? That's so sweet. You know, it was
a really nice touch when he had that

barbershop quartet thing taps at Rudy's
funeral.

You better run.

God, I was talking in terms of a coupe
cut. All right, next.

Here, I got a resume.

All right, Mr. Henry, huh?

I like that. Oh, look at this. Look at
this. You cut Elvis's cousin's hair?

Yeah. Now she looks just like him.

All right, I'll see you upstairs.

He's such a good barber. Why is he bald?

Now, don't feel bad.

There are no small barbers. They're just
small heads.

Good one, Mary.

That is it. That's it.

I've had it with Flip up to here. I
don't know what I'm going to do about

little brother of mine. All right,
Roger.

Calm down, calm down. Now, what's the
problem? Oh, there's no problem, Uncle

Howard. My little brother is throwing
his life away, and there's not a thing I

can do about it. He's drinking and
hanging around with the wrong crowd.

Oh, that's terrible. Oh, my poor nephew.

You know, he's going to wind up in jail.

And then when he gets out of jail, he
won't be able to get a decent job.

He won't be able to vote.

He's going to end up on Skid Row eating
out of a dumpster. Mary!

I have tried over and over to talk to
him, but I can't get through.

Well, listen, you have come to the right
place. Oh, excuse us.

Your Uncle Howard knows more about
teenagers than Dick Clark.

Marion, do you mind if I talk to Roger?
No, Howard, you go right ahead. Go

ahead. Look, Roger. You know, if your
Uncle Howard had known more about music,

he could have had his own TV show.

It...

If there's one thing I have learned in
dealing with teenagers is that you've

to be firm. Yet yielding. Strict. Yet
lenient.

Understanding. Yet firm.

I said that.

Look, we might all be good in theory.

You see, I tell Flip to do one thing, he
does the exact opposite. I don't know

what I should do. Should I ground him,
smack him one, or send him back to New

Jersey and really punish him?

Look, we are just as much concerned
about Flip as you are. I know. But when

you're acting like this, you're not
going to do yourself any good. You're

Chinese finger puzzle.

Oh, those were so much fun.

Remember, Howard, you got your finger
stuck in one of those? I had to feed

didn't I? Very clean.

Well, you did. You did.

The point I'm trying to make here is the
harder you pull, the more difficult it

is. If you just try and relax, I'm sure
it's going to be a lot easier to work

things out.

So, in other words, I'm trying too hard?

Roger, look.

We had problems with Richie and Joanie,
you know, about drinking and smoking,

and we let them know how we felt, and
they made their own decisions.

If Flip is half the young man I think he
is, he's going to make the right

choice. And if he doesn't?

You whack him on the behind until it
glows in the dark.

Daisy, if you could tell me why not. Why
not?

Melvin, no. It is a winter carnival.

The thing just cannot be surf and
safari.

Melvin, your brain is so small, I'd need
a microscope to read your mind.

My mom... The thing just cannot be surf
and safari.

Melvin, your brain is so small, I'd need
a microscope to read your mind.

My mom once said, if you've got nothing
good to say, you should say nothing at

all. And, Melvin, that explains why your
mother hasn't spoken to you since

birth.

I'm going to think of something to say
soon. And when I do, you better be home.

Move over. I've got problems.

The problem is, you think of me as your
older brother.

Roger, you are my older brother.

I know that, but you have to think of me
as a friend.

Except I, um...

So I dress a little better, that's all.

Okay, friend.

You say we blow this joint and grab some
bruski. Some bruski. Yeah.

That's cute.

Flip, we aren't going to go out and get
any bruski.

You are an 18.

Roger, tell me, what is so magical about
18?

What, is that when your maturity
hormones kick in? No.

No, the point is when you drink to
impress people.

You're not old enough.

And that's what you do.

Here comes the lecture.

No.

No, your friend isn't going to give you
a lecture today.

You see, I feel you've been raised
properly and given you my opinion.

Now I'm going to leave the choice up to
you.

That's it?

Yeah. You're not going to yell at me?

No. No, that was your brother Roger
yelling.

This is your pal, Rog.

You handled it pretty nicely, didn't I?

Hey, Flip.

Hey. We're getting ready to hang posters
all over the town for this winter

carnival. Won't you come with us? Yeah.
That's a good chance for you to meet

your local merchants.

were looking for. Yeah, what's up?

Yeah, Mark here just sold some blood.
He's got enough money to score some

You game?

Uh, I don't know, guys.

Kelly, we're going to hang posters and
you and I could cover the motels.

Great, and afterwards we can all meet at
my house for hot cocoa and little bitty

marshmallows. Ooh, Mark.

Oh.

Uh, honey, we're gonna pass on the
little bitty marshmallows.

Um, we're going to go have some real
fun. Real fun. If you want to hang out

the Coco crowd, be my guest.

Uh, guys, guys, wait up.

Oh, Casey, would you be terribly
disappointed if we went with them?

Sit. Oh, no.

It's just not my idea of fun. Oh,
Fonzie, don't need a haircut. Oh, yeah,

The Chicago fly was just a weenie rose.
Oh, sit down.

Tammy and I go outside and ride our
bicycles.

Aren't you a little too old to play with
Tammy?

Oh, all right, sweetheart. Yes, you may
go out, but be very careful. It'll be

dark soon.

her words like that, sissy.

She learned it from you.

Now, Fonzie, if you sit down and if
you're very good, I'll give you a

Oh, come on, Ashley. Let's get serious.
That just works in a dentist's office,

not here.

Quit stalling. I would like to finish
this before Heather's wedding.

All right.

I'm sitting.

See, I don't feel right about this.
There are no tissues in my collar.

no... comb exhibit to check out when I'm
waiting. And you don't know any war

stories. You know that Rudy? Was it
Anzio?

Fonzie, you're asking if this was the
electric chair?

That would be a lot better. I wouldn't
have to go in public afterwards.

Arthur Perkins.

Oh, thank you so much. You took up just
the right amount. Now, Fonzie, I haven't

even begun.

Oh, I have a wonderful idea. We won't
give you a haircut at all.

We'll just let your hair grow, and when
it gets long enough, we can put it into

pigtails, just like Heather's.

You play very, very rough.

Who's that?

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She's going to be just fine. All right.

What do you do? You start a cold, you
feed a fever.

Oh, that's wrong.

If you're hit by a car, if you're hit by
a car, do not move the victim. I've got

to take her back downstairs.

No, Fonzie.

Now, listen to me. There's nothing
seriously wrong with her, but put

the sofa. On the sofa, right.

You're so calm and cool and collected,
you know.

There you go, sweetie.

Just relax.

I mean, you're like a real nurse, you
know, like a Florence Henderson.

Fonzie, look at the towel. The towel?
Yeah, right.

Hey, what happened out there, Tammy?

Heather was in the crosswalk, and this
yellow car... was coming pretty fast,

it didn't slow down until the last
second.

And then it was too late.

What kind of car? A yellow car. A yellow
car. I'm going to go find him.

Von D, I think we should take care of
Heather first. She's going to be just

fine, but just in case, we should go to
the hospital.

Good idea.

You just stay right there. Mommy and I
are going to the hospital.

Von D, we're taking Heather to the
hospital.

Okay, much better idea.

How do you think of these things?

There you go. I don't want to go to the
hospital.

Oh, that's okay. You know what?

There was nothing to worry about.

You know, the Fonz went to the hospital.
I had my tonsils taken out. They fed me

ice cream and everything.

What do you think, sweetie?

Can I get my tonsils out from over
there?

You can have anything out you want.

You're talking to Yellow Car.

I'm telling you, when I find them, I'm
going to pick their tonsils out through

their nose.

I've got it.

We decorate the gym like a giant
Christmas tree, and we all come...

branches. I think you're going to have
to give them a little more incentive

that.

Everyone that helps gets to take me out.

All right, you get to take me out and
I'll throw in a dollar.

All right, just the dollar.

Am I a leader of men or what?

You said it.

Do you think I could come as an angel?

Sweetheart, if you want to come as
yourself, that's just fine.

actually hit that little kid. Hey, Flip,
calm down.

It's okay.

I saw it in the rearview mirror. It's
okay.

We still shouldn't run off like that.
Yeah.

How should we have run off?

Look, if I had stopped, the cops would
have shown up. If the cops had shown up,

I would have been arrested for drunk
driving.

You're worried about yourself when you
just hit a little kid?

You're darn right I'm worried about
myself.

Flip, what are we arguing for? We're
buddies.

We can work this thing out.

Let's say all we need is a story.

an alibi.

Uh, where were we?

Don't you remember? We went down to the
wharf to get some beer.

Mark, shut up.

I got it. I got it.

We were playing pinball at the arcade.
Oh, come on. This is stupid. It's

ridiculous. He's right, Kelly.

How about skee -ball? Yeah, skee -ball.

We were playing skee -ball at the arcade
all night.

You got it? Got it.

Cliff, how about you? Yeah, he was with
us.

No. No way.

Look, you guys can stick to your story,
but I'm going to the police. Hey, hey,

hey, Flip -a -rooney, buddy.

We're friends. We can talk this thing
out. Get out of my way, Kelly.

Flip, I'm afraid we can't let you do
this. Yeah, we'll try and stop it.

It's a last chance. We'll have a morning
here. Hey, what is this? Two against

one. Well, now it's two against two.
That's fair. Hey, the only way to be

is if you had ten extra guys and a
bazooka. Fonz, we're not looking for any

trouble here at all. I know that.

Get over here. I need information.

Heather was in an accident.

Little Heather? Yeah.

Is she all right?

She'd be a lot better if she wasn't hit
by a car.

Now I'm looking for a yellow vehicle
that was in a vicinity of... We weren't

there. We were at the arcade all night
in our yellow car. We were playing

pinball. No, no, no, skee -ball.

We didn't even see that little girl.

Well, that's good.

That's good.

I want to tell you something.

Because of what you did tonight, a
little girl almost didn't have a chance

grow up. Can you dig that? And there is
not a jury in this country that would

convict me for what I'm about to do to
you. Wait, Fonz.

I was in the car, too, and drinking.

You were drinking and driving?

How stupid can you get?

Well, that's nothing. You know what
else? He was going to go to the cops and

turn himself in.

And you thought that was a bad idea?

No, no, no, no, no, no. I thought that
was a very good idea. I like that idea.

It's one of our favorite ideas.

To walk down to the police station, tell
them everything you know. Now, in your

case, that ain't gonna take very long.

Now, get out of here, because you'll
make my stomach sick.

You! I'm not getting off so easy.

So you went drinking, huh?

Why, because your friends did? Because
you thought it was cool, huh?

Well, let me tell you what's cool.

Cool is knowing the difference between
right and wrong, and doing what is right

with guts. You understand that?

You're right, Fawn. You bet I'm right.

Roger thought I was mature enough to
make the right decisions, and I didn't.

can't believe it was you.

I can't believe it was you.

I'm sorry, Fonz. You can say I am sorry
from now until doomsday, dig it? And it

will never change what you did. You hit
a little girl. You were drinking, and

you were driving.

You want to turn yourself in?

I don't want to, Fonz.

That's right, you are, because I'm going
to give you a ride.

Heather, how's she doing?

Not so good.

Her tummy hurt. She had too much ice
cream.

Are you nuts?

Can I come in?

Sure.

Ashley, I can't tell you how bad I feel.
I know.

I never dreamed anything like this would
ever happen to me.

Do you want to see Heather? Yeah.

Hi, Cliff.

Hi, Heather. Mind if I join you? Sure.

I'm watching Ben's Funny. It's my
favorite cartoon.

Yeah, mine too.

I'm really sorry, Heather.

It's all right.

Here, I brought you a coloring book and
some crayons. It's a 64 -pack. It even

has a little sharpener.

Wow! It's like a rainbow!

Thanks. It's the least I could do.

So, you feeling better?

I feel fine.

But don't tell my mom, or she'll make me
go back to school.

Gotcha, gotcha. She can take with me.

Look at this.

Bugs has Yosemite Sam wearing a dress.

Total tell. The body's still willing to
fight. We're going to fight it.

It's very hard.

For me as a dad to look in his eyes and
realize he didn't choose this.

This chose him.

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Marion, will you take it easy back
there, please?

At my age, it's kind of hard to grow
another ear back.

Oh, Howard.

Howard, now, don't be such a
snagglepuss.

You know, Ashley cuts Arthur's hair. I
can cut yours.

You remember when we were first married?
I cut your hair all the time. the time.

Yeah, but I was in the army then. It
didn't matter how I looked.

Just saying, Howard. Now, two dollars a
haircut and twice a month, that's four

dollars a month, twelve months a year
times four.

Forty -eight, Mary, and that's forty
-eight dollars a year, which would just

about pay for those clippers you're
using.

Okay, there you are. You're all
finished.

Hey,

that's not bad, sweetheart.

And to think you're open on Mondays.

Here you are, sweetheart.

You're welcome.

Next!

Okay, coach, who do you like in
tomorrow's game?

Stay tuned for the Brady Bunch. It's
Susan Olsen's most embarrassing episode.

She dresses up like Shirley Temple and
sings the good ship Lollipop. It might

have worked in season one, but in
episode 115,

ouch. Stay tuned. It's coming up next.