Original subtitles

Monday, Monday, happy days.

Tuesday, Wednesday, happy days.

Thursday, Friday, happy days.

The weekend comes, my cycle hums. Ready to race to you.

These days are ours.

Happy, free.

Happy days.

These days are ours.

Share them with me.

Goodbye, gray sky, yellow blue.

There's nothing can hold me when I hold you.

It's all right. You can't be wrong.

Rockin' and rollin' all week long.

Hi,

Coach Phillips.

Hi, Jenny.

Coach, do you still drive a yellow T -Bird? Yes.

Convertible with sexy velour seats?

Yes. Wisconsin's license plate number 05832. Jenny, get to the point.

Some guy's got it up on a hook, ready to tow it away.

Oh. Why did you say so? Because I wanted to spend as much time with you as I

possibly could.

Hey!

Did somebody just run out of here?

Somebody ran out. He didn't pay his check.

Jones,

have I got the scoop of the year?

Jefferson, I'll never be the same.

Everyone will be buzzing about it for years to come. Why, Jenny, what? Do

Yeah, I hate when they do that.

Hot Noreen Qualls. Father's a minister, goes out with college boys.

Her father goes out with college boys?

Tachi. Come on. Well, anyway, Noreen is... How shall I put this tastefully?

Her body's about to open a branch office.

A branch office? A branch office.

She's pregnant?

You got it.

Shh, don't say anything. Here she comes now.

Can you believe her? She got her nerve?

Walking in here like Miss Curly Shirley Temple.

Why don't you cut it out, Jenny?

I mean, there's no way to be sure.

It's probably just gossip.

No, it's not just gossip. When I was in the bathroom, Betty Butler told me that

she overheard Judy Haskell tell a friend who had a friend in the nurse's office

last week that she overheard Noreen in the next room through the wall ask a

counselor about correspondence courses because she was going to be sick next

break.

No, that's definitely not gossip.

It's time for hygiene.

The class your cousin's going to flunk me in if I don't get serious. You're

going to flunk hygiene?

Don't bet on that. I painted my toenails for my class project and I'm getting a

B. That's why you're Jenny Piccolo. She paints her toenails and gets a B. I get

a one.

civilian talk, you know.

Hey, fine.

Where'd you meet them? Well, I was walking down the street. I passed the

recruiting station, man. They said, I want you. I said, put it on me. They

no. All right, fine.

Well, happy basic training. Oh, yeah.

Attention!

Present arms!

It'll double time.

You're a real Budinsky, you know that?

I'm sorry, Fonz. They towed my car.

Oh. Now I have to go get it, and I have a hygiene class to teach in a few

minutes. Yes, I will sub for you. Oh, thanks, Fonz. Oh, my lesson plan's on my

desk. I need that. All right. All right. Here, thanks, Fonz.

Front and center. There we go.

Front and center.

Bow face.

Oh, this is going to be so great.

on you.

We're getting a substitute teacher.

Everybody's up for it. Great.

So, what will it be this time? What are we going to do to the sub? Look what I

got. Peanuts. The teacher opens them up and everything goes flying.

Bobby, that's really juicy. Very childish.

Hey, I got an idea.

Remember that test today?

We get rid of the lesson plan and we don't have to take it.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Now, wait a minute.

I've spent many a long hour studying for this exam and I'm prepared to take it.

Pardon me.

I have a question.

Yes?

Who are you?

My name is Melvin Belvin.

Of the Milwaukee Belvins? Yes.

happen to know my brother Eugene?

You trying to tell me that there are two of you?

Yes, yes, and I'm back.

I was home for a year with an earache.

Let me give you a little friendly advice, okay? That may save your life

Do you want to know what happened to the last guy that didn't go along with the

fun that we were having?

Yes.

There he is.

So I only come up with childish ideas, huh? Yeah. Okay.

I got the greatest idea you have ever heard. Tell us. When a substitute

comes in, we tell her Coach Phillips was teaching us sex education.

Two points.

You're our sub? And I'm proud to be.

All right, now you're all sitting here too quiet. What do you got planned for

the old sub, huh?

I got it.

Slingshot draw, huh?

I invented it.

Come on, what's your plan?

Don't tell me you didn't plan nothing.

No, Mr.

Pontarelli. It's tradition.

Now, come on.

What's happening to you?

Before you begin, I'd just like to say, what a privilege.

What a privilege it is to live in a country where everybody, everybody is

offered free, quality, public education.

You're a both, Melvin.

Of course.

Two of him and one Elvis.

No. Today we were supposed to discuss sex education.

No. Yeah.

Sex education?

Times have changed.

You know, when I was sitting in your seats, we said, like, first aid.

We saw two little films starring Woody Woodpecker, you know, with a normal band

-aid.

Sex education, is this true, Judge?

Well, uh...

Bones connect.

Yeah.

Yeah, that's it, boss. That's right.

Sex, education. All right, a very complicated subject. Where are you up

Where did Coach take you up to?

Puberty.

I wasn't talking about your life, Bobby.

That's it,

boss.

That's what we were up to.

Coach Phillips was going to explain to us what it was.

Puberty, huh?

Anybody got a cubicle film starring Woody Woodpecker on that?

All right, all right, all right. Here we go. Very important subject.

Let's get on with it.

All right.

Uh -huh.

Okay, do it.

Not so much about physical changes.

The fact of the matter is that you cannot let your body get in the way of

brain. Does everybody understand that? No.

Does anybody understand that? I think that... You're wrong.

All right, we're going to use some visual aids here.

What's that?

A highway to Chicago.

Very, very clever, Tommy. Very clever. Spell puberty.

This is you as children, five, six years old. Your biggest problem is whether

your parents are going to give you an extra nickel for an extra pretzel.

This is puberty.

Your biggest problem here is whether your face is going to clear up in a big

dance.

This is you as an adult here, a grown -up, clear complexion.

And the area and the time between here is very dangerous.

You don't know what you're doing, but your body don't know that you don't

So, stay in the house.

If I stay in the house, it'll ruin my social life. Mine too.

Piccolo, you stay in the house three years after everybody else.

And you prepare never to leave.

All right, now look.

What we're saying here is to think a little bit. Don't make no dumb mistake,

know, that's going to ruin your life. Dig it?

Okay, sweetie, you got any questions, anybody?

I haven't heard from you. What is your name?

Noreen. Hey, Noreen, what's your question?

Well, what you were just saying about ruining your life. Yeah.

I... Sit down.

I didn't dismiss you.

Noreen asked the question. Did I answer it? Did I answer it? No.

Go ahead, Noreen.

Never mind. It's not important.

Are you sure?

Sure. All right.

Dismissed. Have fun.

Not one crank among them.

Yes, he left me.

He's peanut brittle. All right, hello, peanut brittle.

They got me.

Yo, cease!

Hey!

Hey!

You can't see what I got for you. It came to me in a flash.

No more yelling downstairs, upstairs, right? Here it is, an intercom system.

Here, use them in hell, huh?

What a beautiful table.

What a beautiful table. What a beautiful woman.

Look at you, huh?

Candlelight.

Wine.

Set for two.

Set for two.

I think I'll just turn the lights off here because, you know, I mean, the

of electricity and everything.

Oh, nice going, folks.

Hey, what's up with you?

Because of you, I'm being fired from my teaching job.

This is the Quiggan. The gown is gorgeous.

Carol Burnett in France is coming to TV Land. We are talking about national TV

here. Tune in for our 48 -hour marathon.

It's on at 10 .30!

Actually, it's on all weekend long.

Welcome!

Two straight days of unforgettable gifts.

We're all here.

Watch the Carol Burnett and Friends Marathon all weekend, January 17th and

on TV Land.

So what did the doctor say?

He said my knee pain was from arthritis and I get moving again, I should take

Aleve. Doctors know Aleve works right at the site of arthritis to help you get

moving again like you used to.

Aleve, all day strong, all day long.

Most people become aware of their septic system when they have a problem. You

might see puddles in the yard from sewage popping up to the top of the

Using Rit -X once a month will lessen the likelihood of having the yard torn

I've always recommended Rit -X, and I've never recommended anything else.

Wow, you ordered pizza.

You sure know the way to a man's heart. I think all relationships are based on

honesty. Me too. Look, before this goes any further, there is something you

should know.

You're married? No.

It's the pizza. It's not delivery.

It's DiGiorno. For fresh baked pizza at home. It's not delivery. It's DiGiorno.

I knew you were hiding something. I can read you like a book.

And now try DiGiorno deep dish. Deep in toppings. Deep in cheese.

When you store food, you want to keep it fresh.

But wraps and foils can be a pain to use and don't seal well.

That's why GLAAD introduced new press and seal wraps.

Just pull, place, and press for a seal -proof seal.

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So try new Glad Press and Seal Wrap to seal in freshness in a whole new way.

The school fired you? But you're such a nice boy.

Such a snappy dresser. I'm married.

Roger, why are they firing you? Because he taught sex.

Oh, my.

Melvin Belvin told his parents, and they called the principal, and he accused me

of bringing in a guest smut lecturer.

Let me tell you something, Raji. I was only teaching what you had already

taught.

Fonz, are you kidding me? Did you even look at my lesson plan?

They were supposed to have a test on getting to know your bicuspid. All

look. First of all, there was no lesson plan. Second of all, your class almost

pledged allegiance to the fact that they were studying sex education.

They were pulling your leg, Fonz, having fun with the sub.

Ha! You of all people should know.

That's right.

I know. I can take a joke. You see, I knew that they had better in them than

just peanuts, you know.

All right, so it's on me. Big deal.

Oh, that's right. The whole thing sounds like an innocent mistake. It couldn't

be that bad.

Isn't Joanie in that class?

Joanie?

He taught sex to our little girl?

Mr. C, will you calm down?

I mean, I made a little mistake. You know, forget, forgive.

It's not that simple. I'm on probation.

They're going to start monitoring my class like I'm a student teacher.

One wrong move and I'm out on my briefcase.

Let me tell you something. All they did was ask a question. All I did was give a

very nice answer. Isn't what school's for. Am I right? No.

Yes.

Well, no. Make up your mind.

Well, yes and no. I mean, there's some answers you can't give unless you have

permission from the school board. Yeah, there are some things that should not be

taught in the classroom.

Well, I wouldn't say that.

I thought I was agreeing with you.

I was just saying what the rules are. I didn't say I liked them.

I offered to teach a sex education class in the beginning of the year, but they

said no.

And what are you yelling at me for? Because you didn't have permission.

Well, I think that should be taught at home and not in the school. Right,

Marion?

Ah, it is.

Maybe. I mean, maybe. Mary, do you either agree with me or not?

Well, Howard, no, listen, to tell you the truth, Howard, I was really very

embarrassed talking to Joanie about this. It might have been nice to have

professional help. It really was very difficult.

Oh, what are you talking about?

I told Richie. I told him everything he had to know.

Then I told him the rest.

You mean there's more?

All right, look.

Some people have no problem explaining sex to their kids, while others never

talk about it. There are some very frightened and confused kids out there.

this was just a question of communicating the facts, it wouldn't be

But I mean, it's not like teaching auto school. You're telling me I'm in the

middle of it.

There's a certain moral issue involved here, and I think that it should be

taught by the parent. And why aren't we eating?

Oh, Howard, come on, help me. Help me bring it out. This is really a

between two educators. You weren't there.

Fonz, I agree with him. The parents should teach a moral point of view.

But so many of the parents are so embarrassed about the facts, they wind

telling their kids nothing.

And that's where I thought I could help.

So I got the ball rolling. Why don't you just pick it up from there?

Fonz, I can't do that. Why not? I'm on probation. If I talk about anything but

nail care and how to brush your teeth, I'm out of a job.

What happens tomorrow?

The kid asks you a question like they asked me today. What are you going to

to him?

I don't know.

Oh.

Thank you.

Oh, we've got very distinguished guests here, today, huh?

We're from the Board of Education.

Bonds, what are you doing here?

I got you in a very tight spot. I'm here to hold your coat.

Thanks. All right.

Kill him. All right.

Good afternoon, everybody.

Today we're going to be discussing hygiene of the mouth.

Let's settle down. We have a lot of work to do, all right?

The mouth is a cavity located between the lips and throat containing the

and masticating structures.

Now, would anyone care to come up and point these structures out?

Suggest a few ways in which we may be able to take better care of them.

All right. Maureen.

No, Mr. Phillips. That's not why I raised my hand.

I have a question from yesterday's class.

Okay.

We were talking about...

You know, changes in people and their bodies. I heard.

Well, I wanted to know how a person would know if she was in trouble.

You would?

Yes.

Noreen, I don't think that...

Well, I would like very much to answer

that for you, and I know that you got into that area yesterday.

Today's topic is hygiene of the mouth.

I'm sorry.

How many others of you have the same question?

Right.

How does a person know when she's in trouble?

Good question.

One that deserves an answer.

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We are at the home of the famous Dilley's Sex Supply. How do you make

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You got some pasta there in the fridge, you got some chicken. And you've given

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The desire to gather.

We even have a name for it.

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This year, plan a gathering with your circle of loved ones. To get started,

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People come into H &R Block with shoeboxes jammed with receipts. It's my

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So what did the doctor say? He said the pain that wakes me up at night is from

arthritis. Really? He said I should take Aleve. Doctors know Aleve stops

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I see the Aleve works.

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Inside that microphone is something familiar.

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And while you might think all batteries are the same, consider this.

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I have known up close and personal what it's like to have to have good

insurance.

Mother had multiple surgeries and was in intensive care for long periods of

time. I can't imagine what people do. I really cannot imagine what people do

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The expenses were amazing.

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We're here when you need us, Physicians Mutual.

Okay, the past half an hour now, we've been discussing the possible

of certain behavior.

It's the last time we'll be discussing this in my class.

I can't tell you what you should or shouldn't do. That's a moral decision.

Morality is something I think you should talk about at home with your parents.

And I hope you do.

Class dismissed.

Raj, I think you did a great job, no matter what this Spanish imposition

you know?

Mr. Phillips, I just wanted to thank you.

I was so scared I didn't know what to do, and I couldn't tell anyone.

You see, I was sure I was in trouble.

You know, until you explained it.

I'm sorry, I don't understand.

Promise you won't laugh?

You have my word.

Well, I thought you could get, you know, pregnant.

By necking with a boy while wearing a bathing suit.

I'm sorry,

Noreen. No, no, that's okay. It's pretty funny.

Stupid, too.

No, no, no, it's not stupid.

Well, I don't know why my mother told me that. Your mother told you that, huh?

Whoa.

Well, a lot of parents are too embarrassed to tell you the right way.

aren't. I wouldn't hold it against you. Well, I won't.

Anyways, I'm glad I have the right answers now.

Well, thank you very much.

Bye -bye. Bye -bye, Noreen.

Mr. Phillips, I'm Mrs. Eckert.

Listen, you can't fire this boy.

He's not going to... Because if you fire this boy, you've got to fire me, too.

He's not going to be fired.

You're not going to be fired.

Hey, well, I put in a good word for you. Oh, well, thanks.

I just overheard the young lady.

And I must admit, I hadn't realized how naive some of the thinking of these kids

is.

How hard it is for some of them to talk to their parents.

Well, I'm going to recommend that there be some sort of a voluntary course given

in this area.

And if you refrain from any more impromptu classes until I can make my

the board, I think we might be able to do it.

I promise not another word till I've heard from you.

You're a fine teacher, Mr. Phillips.

We could use more like you in the school system. Thank you.

You, Mr.

Fonzarelli, are unique.

Yes.

There's never been another teacher like you. And I would venture to say there

will never be another teacher like you again.

Bye -bye.

You hear what that cutie pie said about me? Yep. She said I was unique.

You're one of a kind, Fonz. Yeah. When they made you, they threw away the mold.

Oh, yeah.

Right.

You stand head and shoulders above the crowd.

Yeah. You're a man of men. Oh, yeah. Fonz, you are king.

Yeah. You are the king. Oh, yeah.

Hello.

Ever wonder what the Brady Bunch would sound like in Spanish?

Miguel y Carol hablan mucho espanol en este episodio. Listen closely.

Stay tuned for episode 100, Peter and the Wolf, coming up next on TV Land.