Original subtitles

Monday, Monday, happy day.

Tuesday, Wednesday, happy day.

Thursday, Friday, happy day.

The weekend come, the pack will hum. Ready to race to you.

These days are ours.

Happy days.

These days are ours.

Oh, baby.

Goodbye, gray sky, hello, blue.

Nothing can hold me when I hold you. So right.

It can't be wrong.

Rockin' and rollin' all week long.

Sunday, Monday, happy day.

Tuesday, Wednesday, happy day.

Thursday, Friday, happy day.

Saturday, what a day.

Groovin' all week with you.

These days are ours.

Hey, everybody!

Look what I found up in the attic, huh?

Oh!

I'm sure that a burlesque troupe carries its own prowess. Yeah, well, I'm not

taking any chances.

All right, Richie, how much did we make on the tickets? How much, how much, how

much? Oh, yeah, Dad, I'm counting as fast as I can. Yeah, well, it's not fast

enough. Oh, Howard, please calm down. Now, this Leopard Lodge show is just

making you nervous.

It is not, Marion. I'm as clam as a cow.

I'm sorry, but this Leopard Lodge show is making a nervous wreck of me. Yes,

well, it's just going to be fine, Howard. Now, drink some of this warm

It'll calm your nerves. Oh, thanks, dear.

Okay, Rich, how much? How much?

You've got the money. Oh, here you go.

Dad, I haven't seen you this upset since Annette left the Mouseketeers.

You don't know how much this means to me. I'm in charge of the show, and if

a big hit, I've got a chance to be the next Grand Poobah of the Lodge.

Would that make me Mrs. Grand Poobah?

It would make us Poobettes.

It's like a dream come true.

And this, this is something that means a great deal to me.

Do you know what this is?

One ugly lampshade.

No, it's the Grand Poobah hat.

I bought it for myself 20 years ago in the hopes that one day I'd be lucky

enough to wear it.

Oh, Howard, I'm so proud of you.

And Grandma always thought you'd be nothing.

Dad, it looks to me like you're going to be a shoe -in. Look, every seat is

sold. That idea of putting on a burlesque show, that was a real stroke

genius. Yeah, true, true. Well, some of the credit should go to Irv Hansen and

the burlesque troupe. Yeah, but I'm the one that called him, Marion. Besides, he

promised Al and me that we could be in the show.

Wait a minute.

Something is wrong. I can feel it in my bones.

He was supposed to call me at 8 o 'clock, and look, it's 5 after 8. Now,

hasn't he called? I don't know. Why? He was going to call.

Now, why don't you just go on upstairs, and you can practice your grand poop box

acting skills?

Oh, maybe you're right, Barry.

Fellow leopards.

20 years ago.

What's your get, Mom?

Well, hello.

Come on in. What took you so long?

I brought her here when she was 12.

All right,

where's Howard?

Oh, well, he's upstairs. He's so excited. We're making him rest.

Oh, I want you to meet my personal secretary, Miss Lola LaGrange.

Say something, honey. Make a noise.

Hi!

That's enough, baby. Save it for the show.

Howard will be so happy that you're here. Now, where's the rest of the

In Buffalo.

Oh, my. Yeah, they're snowed in, but they'll get a bus out tonight, probably.

Well, how did you get here?

Oh, I left a couple of days early. I don't travel with the troop.

Yeah, I just put the props in the costume.

How about her?

Hmm?

How about her?

How about her?

Well,

let's not tell Howard that the troop isn't here yet. He just couldn't take it

right now.

Oh, well, whatever you say.

Let's go back to the hotel, honey, huh?

This, uh, by the way, this kid's crazy about me.

Would you believe she pounded on my door last night for three hours?

I finally had to let her out.

Howard, I'm so nervous.

Where's the troop now?

Uh, they just left Buffalo. But I don't take much stock in them getting here,

I'll tell you that.

Oh, my.

Hey, Mr. Hanson.

I'm so glad to meet you. I'm Ralph Mouse.

I'm very sorry. Are you taking shots for it?

You're going to love this one, Irv, baby. Listen to this.

What has four legs and chases cat?

I don't know. What's got four legs and chases cat? Mrs. Cat and her lawyer.

How'd you get hurt?

apologize to my roommate here. He gets crazy around celebrities. That's all

right. That happens all the time. Everybody wants to audition.

You know, singers are the worst.

You hire singers?

Sometimes.

There's no business like show business. No business.

Do you ever have your tonsils out?

Yeah. Well, have them put back in.

Great one. Oh, baby.

Now, go on out, you guys, and get seats and watch the show. It's going to be a

good show. All right.

See you later.

Where is everybody? Don't worry, Howard. They'll be here.

Well, I got to go practice my song. Now, get your troop ready. They're going out

in five minutes.

Hello, operator?

Call Buffalo and tell them they're on in five minutes.

Good evening, and welcome to the Leopard Lodge's presentation of Burlesque

America, starring Irv Hansen and his wonderful troupe of comics and cuties.

You know, in Burlesque, the top banana means the star comedian of the show.

And he usually comes out here and, well, instead of my telling you, why don't I

sing it to you, huh? Professor, if you please.

If you want to be a top banana.

You gotta start from the bottom of... You gotta...

Hey,

what are you doing out here? I'm trying to

sing. That's all right, you ain't bothering me. Go right ahead.

You're telling me.

Why don't you do me a big favor and go home? I can't go home because we got a

house full of company.

Oh, is your wife entertaining?

Not very.

Do you have any children?

Hmm? Do you have any children?

Are you kidding? I won't even drink her coffee.

yourself talking about your wife like that. You're absolutely right. I

talk about my wife like that because today happens to be her birthday.

Oh? What are you getting for her? Make me an offer.

How old is your wife? What's age got to do with it?

You know, I know an 80 -year -old man married a 17 -year -old girl and they're

very happy.

No fooling! That's why they're happy.

Thank you, boys.

I like to work right here with my people, right in the audience.

Hey, folks, would you like a lot of ukulele or a little ukulele? A little.

A little ukulele.

All right, I'm a proud pleaser.

All right, here we go.

You are heaven to me.

And we're going to be coming out here just as soon as... Folks, I

think we're going to take a little intermission right now, so you just

enjoy yourselves.

The ladies' auxiliary is out in the lobby, and they'll sell you lots of tea

creamsicles.

Marian, will you tell me what's going on here? Why did you get me back here?

Wait a minute.

Where's the troop?

Dad, they're in the snow.

But there's no snow in Milwaukee.

There is in Buffalo.

In Buffalo?

Look, Dad, here. Why don't you just sit down for a second, Dad? You see, the

thing is, the troop has been snowed in for two days. Oh.

I'm finished in the Leopard Lodge. I'm publicly humiliated. There goes my

fez. There's lots of other lodges, dear.

There must be ones that never heard of you.

Howard, I feel terrible.

This is the first show we've missed in 20 years.

Wait a minute.

You said you got the costumes, right? Yeah, but they're going to look awful

funny on stage by themselves.

Not with people in them, though.

What do you mean?

We got everybody we need. need right out there in the audience. We got Patsy, we

got Ralph, we got Chachi, we got Joanie. She can do something.

Oh, no, no, no. Wait a minute, Richard. They don't know the routine.

Oh, I can teach them that stuff in five minutes. See that? Oh, Howard, maybe

this show could go on.

We need girls. We need lots of girls. Lots of gorgeous girls.

Now, how are you going to get a bunch of beautiful girls on such short notice?

Nobody could get that many girls.

A few more minutes and we'll be right back with more laughs and beautiful

Thank you.

Those drums are making me nuts. Please, stop those drums.

I can't stand it.

Dr.

Livingston, I presume.

Stan, where have you been? Looking for you.

Oh, Dr.

Livingston.

I've been wandering in the jungle for two years. How did you wind up here? I

doing research on prehistoric pieces.

I got lost looking for the elephant graveyard.

Elephant graveyard?

Yes, when an elephant feels like he's going to die, he takes a long journey

thousands and thousands of miles, up and over mountains, across the desert,

through turbulent rivers, through the jungle, until they come to the elephant

graveyard.

And does he always die there? Yes, it's the trip that kills him.

You look terrible. Don't I? I look terrible because I can stand malaria.

I can stand the heat, but I can't take these drums.

These chums are telling me. Get a hold of yourself, Livingston. Please.

Stop those drums.

Stop those drums.

Stop those drums.

Stop those drums.

Stop those drums.

Stop. Thank you.

others as mystical, but you are magical.

Girl of all nations, you're fascinating,

you're captivating.

There may be others as pretty, but you're international, honey.

Once they have.

And for the girl of the world, you're mine.

Hey, Al, tell me, how is married life treating you? Not so good, not so good.

Oh? Well, yesterday I got home and I found a strange man and my wife on the

sofa. That's terrible.

That'll never happen again.

Oh, what did you do?

I sold the sofa.

What the hell?

I'll get under the bed.

Hiya, sweet potato.

You're a week early.

I know, but I got hungry.

Room service.

This is Mr.

Schweinheit. Please send up an entire turkey and a glass of milk.

What would you like, my little darling?

Bacon and eggs. And bacon and eggs.

And what would you like?

I'll have some potato salad.

Nope. My lips? No.

I give up. Yeah, that's it.

You've always wanted to sing, right? I love to sing. This is your big chance.

Here's your part. What do I do? When I point to you, you sing.

It's all written down. I got it.

Professor, if you please.

The night is young, the skies are clear, and if you want to go walking, dear,

it's delightful, it's delicious, it's lovely.

I understand the reason why you're sentimental, cause so am I. It's

delightful, it's delicious, it's lovely.

You can tell at a glance what a swell.

Now this is for romance, you can hear dear Rosalie from over and below.

So let yourself go.

Come to me, my chickadee, and when I kiss you, just say to me, it's

it's delicious, it's delectable, it's delirious, it's delirious, it's dilemma,

it's deluxe, it's curtain steal. This is no fun.

Come on, honey, the movie's over. Let's go.

Well, here we are, my dear, in what is supposed to be one of the finest

restaurants in town.

And since this is the opening night, you know the food must be fresh.

Who shot the drapes?

What can I do for you? Table for two, please. Oh, follow me to the Balinese

room.

Sit right down, honey. You sounded the gun. You're all right. Hey, hey, hey.

What are you doing? That's my wife.

Get in line, bud.

I brought her here.

Don't think I don't appreciate it, Mac. Put her there.

Put her down here, honey.

Waiter, my hat.

Yeah, it sure is.

Tell me something. Are you a gambling man?

Sure I am. How would you like to make a little wager? On what?

I'll bet you $10 you're not here.

You'll bet me $10 I'm not here? That's right. I'll bet you $10 you are not

You've got yourself a bet, bud. All right.

There you go. You're not in Cincinnati, are you? No. And you're not in St.

Louis, are you? No. All right. If you're not in Cincinnati or St. Louis, you

must be someplace else. Yeah. And if you're someplace else, you can't be

Come on, sweetheart.

I just got nailed for $10.

I'll get it back.

Hey, chef.

Come here.

Are you a gambling man?

Yeah. I'm going to bet you $10 you're not here.

You're going to bet me $10 I'm not here? Yeah. You're right.

You got $10? Yeah, right here. Put it down here. Got it. All right. You're not

in Cincinnati, right? No. You're not in St. Louis? No. If you're not in

Cincinnati, you're not in St. Louis, you must be someplace else. Right. If

you're someplace else, you can't be here, right? Right.

Thanks very much. Come here.

Where you going with my money?

What do you mean, your money? That's my money. Hold it. Wait a minute.

I'm not in Cincinnati.

No. I'm not in St. Louis.

No. Well, if I'm not in Cincinnati and I'm not in St. Louis, I must be

else. Yeah. If I'm someplace else, I can't be here. Right. If I can't be

how can I have your money? Bye -bye.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, the Leopard Lodge proudly presents the

There must be the place.

I'm going to take them out to dinner. They were just spectacular.

Oh, Dad, we were going to take you out to dinner. That's a better idea.

Oh, gee.

Oh, I'll get it.

It's Al!

Hi, hi, hi, hi, Al. Isn't he so wonderful?

Hey, listen, I meant to tell you, I really liked that ukulele. Oh, yeah.

Howard, I came over to tell you that right after the show, the executive

of the Leopard Lodge had a meeting.

And because of the fine work you have done,

They gave me the honor to tell you that next week you will be installed as the

Grand Poopa.

Oh! At

long

last. Well,

I'll tell you something.

As long as I hold this honor, I shall wear this with pride and dignity.

You can hold me when I hold you.

All right. It can't be wrong.

Rock and roll.