Original subtitles

Happy and free.

These days are ours.

We'll be right

back.

Happy days are yours.

Happy days.

Listen up. I got gas in the car. I got your bags in the trunk. You're ready to

go under the river and over the forest there to see your grandma.

Have a great weekend, all right? There's just one more thing I have to do before

we can leave.

What's that?

I have to tell your father that we're going to be gone for the weekend.

He don't know?

Mrs. C, you know how he hates to be alone.

I know, but he hates my mother a great deal more.

Mom, can you blame him? I mean, she trained her cat to attack him. It was an

accident.

Mom, she rubbed tuna fish all over his throat. All right, Marion.

What is so important that I had to interrupt taking inventory down at the

Well, can't Patsy do that for you? Are you kidding?

Patsy counts a pair of scissors as two.

Uh, Tony, we better get out of the ring. Oh, yes. Okay, ding.

You know, Howard.

You know that Mother Kelp is moving, and we've all got to go down there this

weekend and help her close up the house. Marion, you are not going to get me to

go down there, not as long as she's got that cat in the house. No, Howard, you

don't have to go. Joanie and I could go.

You mean I don't have to go? No, dear. Oh, that's fine, sweetheart.

You take my car, you take my daughter, as long as you don't take me.

Goodbye, please.

I'll give Grandma a kiss for you, okay? Great. You've had all your shots.

Okay, now, Dina, listen, I've labeled all the food in the freezer. Now, for

heaven's sakes, Howard, this time take five minutes and defrost a little bit

before you eat it.

Bye.

One time I ate frozen chicken and she's never forgotten.

You're going to be alone all weekend, you sly little devil. Yeah, I hate to be

alone.

Hello, Mr.

C.

We could have a lot of fun together.

Oh, no, no, Fonzie. I'm not allowed to have that kind of fun.

I'm not talking about that kind of fun.

Geist stuff.

We could be together. We could play poker, go bowling, you know, snap

Poker? Yeah. You know, I used to play poker all the time in the army.

Oh, kid. Boy, those German POWs, could they play poker.

But, of course, when they won, we took the money back from them.

So listen, I'll set the game up where I'll just be a bunch of guys sitting

around scratching and eating and betting and swearing and chewing and playing.

Oh, how disgusting.

Yeah.

with the young lady.

Oh, thanks, Grandma.

And you, Marion, what have you done to yourself?

Well, I am kind of wearing my hair different. Are you putting on weight or

you shrinking?

I haven't gained a pound in eight years.

It must be that baggy dress.

What took you so long to get here?

Did Herman try to talk you out of coming?

Mother, it's Howard.

Who? Howard was thrilled that we were coming and the reason we are late is

because we stopped at Paula's Pies to get you something.

Paula's Pies?

You went 30 miles out of your way just for me?

Oh, Mother.

You're worth it.

Boysenberry?

Well, the neighbors will enjoy this.

What? We brought a few.

Boysenberry stained my dentures, and nobody likes an old lady with blue

So I forgot about your dentures. Well, that's all right, Marion. You were

supposed to go with me when I got them. But, oh, no, you were busy.

I was in labor with Joanie.

Sorry. It wasn't your fault.

It wasn't your fault, Angel.

Well, I think it's going very well, dear.

Mom, she's done nothing but criticize us since we got here. Oh, no, she's right.

I forgot about her dentures, and I could have worn a more attractive dress.

Oh, stop.

Well, I put on some water for the tea.

Oh, thanks. So I tell you, running this place is a full -time job. I'll be so

glad to leave here. Well, Mother, now you don't have to worry about a thing.

Joanie is going to run the garage sale. Yeah, Grandma. Oh, good.

And I'm going to take care of everything else.

I'm going to take care of everything else. I heard you, Marion.

Well, you look at all these great old records. Oh, look at these.

Oh, Mother.

Here's one you'll remember. Look at this.

See that?

Oh, yes. She used to love it when I did this little song and dance to that.

Really? Oh, do it. Do it, Marion. Oh, I haven't done that in years.

You never did do that right.

Okay, we got the chips. We got the cards. Let's play poker.

All right, it's my deal. The first game will be five -card draw. Jacks are

better open. Everybody in, you die. All right.

I just have one question. What's that? How do you play?

What?

I've never played poker before.

Oh, give me a break.

Oh, come on, fellas. Give me a sporting chance. I really want to learn how to

play poker. You see, it figures so prominently in the literature of the

West. Oh, sure. That's what drew me to the game.

Look, I happen to have a very good card sense.

I was the interfraternity bridge champion at Yale. Wow. You guys believe

grown man, he can't even play poker. Yeah.

What did you do at Yale? Stay out all night long, get drunk, and go rowing?

I'll tell you something. I'll bet he's got a sewing machine in his apartment,

right? He does!

That is it!

Why'd you drop your hat? It's not a hat. It's a visor. It's a visor.

All right, look. I'm sick and tired of being made to feel ignorant just because

I'm well -educated. For four years now, I have been the butt of your silly

little jokes, and I'm not going to stand for it for one more second!

And I dare anybody in this room to row a straight line when you're drunk.

Come on, Roger. Come back here. Roger!

Roger!

Come here, Fonz.

Don't get yourself into a titty, all right?

Fonz, don't placate me. I wasn't placating you. I was making you feel

Listen, this is guy stuff.

We're just joshing with you. Yeah, look, if it make you feel any better, Roger,

no more jokes about Yale or how you dress or how you talk, okay? All right,

more jokes. No more, no more.

Unless you've really got a good one.

Now look, Raj, here's how it works.

Two pair beat a pair. Three of a kind beat two pair. Straight beats three of a

kind. A flush beats a straight.

A full house beats a flush. Four of a kind beats a full house. And a straight

flush beats four of a kind. You understand that?

Good.

Because if you don't understand that, you could lose a lot of... I'll open for

quarter.

I've just finished just about all the chores on Mother's list.

Well, dear, looks like you've done a wonderful job with this garage sale.

people are buying Grandma's junk like it was buried treasure.

Oh, Mom, you know that I actually got $15 for that awful vase that was sitting

up here on the mantel?

What? You sold that vase for $15?

Oh, Joanie, your great -great -uncle Hedrick brought that vase all the way

Sweden. Oh.

We've had that for 200 years in the family. Oh, my mother's going to hate

No, Mom, I did it.

Oh, she'll never believe that. Oh, I've got to get it back.

Now, who bought that vase?

Who? Who?

Who? Who?

Larson. His last name was Larson, Mom. Oh, thank you, dear. Now, you got his

address? No, I didn't get that.

How many Larsons could there be, Mom?

Joanie, this is Larsonville.

Be careful.

Fifty cents to you, Mr. C.

Still rich for my blood.

Wait a minute.

What? Roger.

What? You've got two pairs of eights. That's four eights. I guess I just got

confused because the jack was in the middle.

Because I won again.

Way to go.

You make me proud to have you in the family.

Sure. Proud to have him in the family.

What's that you said? Nothing. Oh, wait a minute. You started to say something.

No, forget it. Roger, your deal. You're a sore loser.

All right, Fonz, give me another deck, will you?

Oh, sure. All right, guys.

We're going to play five cards draw.

Deuces, jacks, sevens, and fours are wild. Oh, wait a minute. Wait a minute.

What? Nine of a kind to win that hand.

They're just deuces. That's great. All right.

I think everybody has the same amount of cards. You know, everything was fine

between me and Joanie until we moved back down here and you poisoned her mind

against me.

Chachi, Chachi, let it go, will you? We're here to play, not to pour salt on

dead horse.

No, no, you just wait a minute. Now, this young man has accused me of

brainwashing my daughter, and I think I deserve a rebuttal. Go ahead.

You're dumber than I thought.

All right, that's the cash in my chips. You mean chip.

Oh, great.

to your neutral corner. Is it right? The pizza's here. Just calm down.

I never said one word to Joanie. Sure. And you'd skip a meal.

Hey.

Thank you so much.

Hi.

Thank you.

So, how much do I owe you for this pizza?

Five bucks.

Five bucks. One, two, three, four, five. There you go. That's for the pizza.

This is for your time.

I tipped it too much.

You see that? You know what the problem is? We're all getting crabby here

because our little tummies are grumpy. Yeah, all right.

Now, let's see.

Chachi, Raji, you owe me a dollar. Mr. C, two dollars.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Why do I have to pay twice as much as them?

Because you held your breath until we ordered mushrooms.

Everybody's eating it. Everybody should pay the same thing.

I can't very well pick them off.

They're melting in with the cheese.

Could I see you over here for a second, please?

What's the matter?

Don't you think it's a little small to quibble over like a dollar?

Small? Yeah. Me?

Yeah. The man who kept your rent down to $55 a month for six years?

If that bothered you so much, why didn't you bring it up before? Because it

didn't bother me until I found out that you're making more money than I am.

I do?

Yeah!

you're only paying $55 a month rent.

Who fixes your car for free? Who fixes your roof for free? Who gets his meals

free? Hey, talk about meals you wouldn't eat unless I fixed your oven for free.

Come on, money is such an ugly subject.

Remember what Thomas Aquinas said?

Put a sock in it, Blondie.

Sure, you're just mad because I'm the big winner. Yeah, well, let's play

I'm the big loser. You got that right. Oh, sure, throw it in my face. I'm not

good enough for your daughter, huh?

Well, let me tell you something. I'm glad that a biker makes more money than

do. Oh, yes.

You know, that biker is working.

You call me a biker, I'm going to remember that.

Now, let me tell you something. We came here to play.

Now, I say stop fighting and let's have fun.

to see the mushrooms that weren't that bad.

Thanks, Chachi.

And I want you to know, Chachi, you're the only boyfriend that Joanie ever

brought home that didn't turn my stomach.

Thanks, Mr. Cunningham.

You know, we're having a beautiful moment here.

All right, all right.

Now, listen, I'd like to bet a dollar, but I have a question first.

What's that?

Well, if you're dealt the full house... Do you have to draw a card?

Fold, fold, fold.

Wait a minute. You don't have a full house.

I know. I was just asking.

Playing in the sprinklers again?

Well, since you weren't here to help, I just went ahead and moved some things by

myself. I think I ruptured the disc.

Oh, I'll be all right in a month or two.

I'm sorry, Mother.

I'll just stand.

Well, listen, Mother, you know, we had this big mix -up in the sale, and Uncle

Hendrick's vase was sold.

Yeah, it was my fault, Grandma. I'm sorry.

Marion, you should have been watching.

That vase has been in the family for 200 years.

But it's all right, Mother. Mother, because I got it back. You did?

I looked all over town. What do you think of that?

Oh, I've forgotten how ugly that vase is.

I should have thrown that vase away years ago.

Oh, you mean that I spent $100 to buy back this vase and you don't even like

Oh, told you to.

Go ahead, take that piece of junk and give it to the Goodwill.

I was all over town.

I got hosed down by a wacko fireman.

want me to give this vase to the goodwill?

Why not?

I know a very good place to put this vase.

Oh, fine, fine, fine.

Now I have nothing to remember my beloved Uncle Hedrick by.

Joey, pack up our things. We'll leave him right now.

No matter how hard I try, I never can do anything right.

Mom, here.

Dry yourself off.

Oh.

Mom, I've been thinking.

Remember the fuss you made the first time I went shopping without you?

What? Well, that was just so you wouldn't spend your money so foolishly.

was right. You still haven't used that paper bathing suit.

Wasn't it more than that? I mean, deep down inside...

Weren't you a little hurt because I didn't need you to pick out my clothes

anymore? Oh, I suppose so.

Well, think how Grandma feels.

You don't need her to pick out your clothes or cook your meals or bandage

knee. All you need now is for her to approve of you, huh?

I guess so, yeah.

Well, maybe Grandma's afraid if she gives you that, you won't need her

She'll lose you.

All I want to do is to hear her say that I am a terrific daughter.

Well, she may not ever say that, Mom, but you are.

Your terrific wife and mother.

Oh, and by the way, we all think you look great in that blue dress.

Joanie, you are a terrific daughter.

Listen, I'm going to get you a towel to dry off.

Oh, shoot, I sold them. I'll find something else.

Mother, will you come out here?

Yes, Marion.

Something else you want us to marry?

Now, Mother, I was wrong. I was wrong to break Uncle Hendrick's face, and I

apologize.

But that still doesn't change the fact that sometimes you are just a horse's

patoot. Marion Kell.

I will not stand here and listen to such trash.

It's Marion Cunningham, wife of Howard Cunningham, and you are now going to...

I love you, but I won't let you go on treating me this way anymore.

And if you can't change, I'm not going to come back.

I remember when I was eight years old, I did so well in a test, you made me some

cookies.

Chocolate chip. That's right, they were chocolate chip.

That made me feel so important and so wanted.

Well, Mother, it was a long time ago, and I'm still waiting for you to give me

another cookie.

I'm glad you came to help, dear.

Really? I'm always glad when you come.

Well, why don't you tell me that?

Marion, you come to visit, and I want to say something nice, and then I...

I open my mouth and something else comes out. I guess I

just want to know that you still need me.

Mother, we are always going to need each other.

Oh, Marion, I love you so much. Oh, Mother, and I love

you so much. And I know that you also love Howard.