Original subtitles

Man: I like to get my Christmas shopping done early.

Do you have anything that's in the spirit of the season?

Uh, how about these crystals?

Ha ha! Looks like broken glass.

What are you, a cop?

Oh! what is that new thing?

Grunkle Stan. Can we go to the diner?

We're huuungry.

Huuuungry.

Aah! aaah! Aah! Aaaah!

Aaah! aaah! Aaah! Aaah!

Yeah, sure. Soon as this yahoo makes up his mind.

You have this in another animal?

I'm fine locking him inside if you are.

Puma shirt, panther shirt.

Puma shirt, panther shirt.

Puma shirt...

Panther shirt.

В™єв™є

( rat-tat-tatting )

Shoo!

Git!

Coffee! coffee!

Coffee! coffee!

Go! go! Go! Go!

Whoo-hoo!

( Plates breaking ) lazy Susan! There's my little ray of sunshine!

Where were you yesterday?

I got hit by a bus!

Ha ha ha ha! Hilarious!

Thank you.

Ha ha ha! Ha!

Ha ha! Ha ha ha!

You do split plates, right?

Maybe.

Wink.

Great! we'll all split one-fourth of the number seven,

plus a free salad dressing for the lady

and a small plate of ketchup for the boy.

But grunkle Stan, i want pancakes.

With the fancy flour they use these days?

What am I, made of money?

Tap tap. Ohh!

Don't worry, guys. Pancakes are on me.

I'm gonna win some by beating that manliness tester.

Manliness tester? Beating?

( Both laugh hysterically )

He says... he says he's...

( Laughter )

What? what's so funny?

No offense, Dipper, but you're not exactly manly mannington.

Hey! I am too manly... Manny,

or whatever it is you said.

Look, face the music, kid.

You got no muscles, you smell like baby wipes,

and let's not forget last Tuesday's... incident.

В™є disco girl в™є

в™є comin' through в™є

в™є that girl is you в™є

don't come in! Don't come in!

You were listening to girly Icelandic pop sensation babba?

(Weak laughter) No, I wasn't. It's not important!

Look, come on, guys, I'm plenty masculine!

You see this chest hair?

Put it away! Put it away! So smooth! My eyes!

Oh, man.

( Hysterical laughter )

Fine, family of little faith.

Get ready to eat your words...

And a plate of delicious pancakes.

All right, Dipper.

Time to manhandle this... Man handle.

And a-one, and a-two...

Quit stallin'!

( Dipper grunting )

( Buzzing )

( Baby cooing )

Oh, what?! This thing must be broken.

It's totally broken, guys. It's like a million years old.

Probably ran out of steam power or...

It's rickety, man. You shouldn't even...

Yes! pancakes for everyone!

( Diners all cheer )

( Both laughing )

I need to get some chest hair, and fast.

I'm fine! Heh heh.

Everything's fine.

Sheesh! how am i related to that?

Come on, grunkle Stan.

I'm sure deep down you have a soft side too.

Ha! nothing in here but a cold, dark, empty soul.

Food!

Thanks there, sugar pie.

I mean, honey wasp kitten baby.

Ba-baby cow...

Ha ha! Silly!

Silly man. What was that about?

Nothing. I, uh, don't want to talk about it.

Talk about what? Why is this table wet?

Wait just a second.

I think I have an idea happening here.

You... and her... No! Stop it!

Aaah! oh, boy.

You have a thing for lazy Susan!

You do have a soft side!

But k-k-keep it down, will ya?

I admit it, okay? It would be nice if she liked me.

But I've been out of the game for so long I wouldn't know where to start.

I mean, look at her. She's so classy.

Spin, ya dumb pie! Spin!

Grunkle Stan,

you are a cranky, gross, weird old man.

But we will get lazy Susan to like you,

because nothing is stronger than the power of...

Love? Mabel.

To victory!

Not manly enough.

Stupid diner! Stupid lumberjack!

No! ( coughing )

Another hydrant destroyed.

It's a gosh-dang mystery!

Wanna take off our uniforms and run around in circles?

Quit readin' my mind.

( Laughing, whooping )

Oh, I'm sorry. I was looking for the mailman.

Oh. what? Are you saying I'm not a male man?

Is that what you're trying to say?

I'm not male? I'm not a man?

Is that what you're getting at?

Are you crying?

( Whimpering )

Dipper (groaning): Two...

Three...

Four...

Uhh! ( panting )

No chest hair yet.

Is it physical? Is it mental? What's the secret?

You said it, brother. I need help.

( Rumbling )

( Animals screeching )

For the love of all that's holy, run!!!!

( Roaring )

( Loud stomping )

(High-pitched scream)

Wait. sorry.

(Manly roar)

(Coughs )

( Roaring )

( Yawning )

Please don't eat me! I haven't showered in like a week!

And I'm... I'm like all elbows! Elbows and gristle!

You!!! aaah!

Gonna finish that?

No.

I can't believe it. Part animal, part human.

Are you some kind of minotaur?

I'm a manotaur!

Half man, half, uh...

Half taur!

So did I, like, summon you, or...

The smell of jerky summoned me!

Jerky!

( Roars )

( Laughs )

Huh. (sniffing)

I smell...(Sniffing)...

Emotional issues.

I got problems, manotaur. Man-related problems.

Well, my own uncle called me a wimp,

uh-huh. uh-huh. And I kinda flunked

this manliness video game thing... Hmm...

Hey! you know, you seem pretty manly.

Maybe you could give me some pointers?

Hmm. very well.

Climb atop my back hair, child.

( Flies buzzing ) uh, okay.

Manotaur: yes! Yes! ( Dipper yelping )

( Laughing )

Ooh! uhhh!

Dude, watch out!

( Roaring ) ( Screaming )

Whoa.

( Grunting )

This place is amazing!

The gnomes live in the trees,

the mer-people live in the water... 'Cause they're losers!

But we manotaurs crash in the man cave!

( Gong resounds )

Beasts! I have brought you...

A hairless child!

'Sup? all: huh?

This is, uh, pubitaur, testosteraur, pituitaur,

and I'm chutzpaur.

And you are... My name's Dipper.

( Booing, groaning ) weak!

The, uh, destructor?

Yeah, that's better. An improvement, yeah.

( Gong resounds )

Dipper the destructor wants us to teach him

the secrets to our manliness!

I need your help. Look at this, guys... Look at this!

I must confer with the high council.

So, teach him our man secrets, or what?

He's a human. I don't like him.

I don't like your face!

( All roaring )

I like these guys. Aaah!

Okay, grunkle Stan.

Welcome to the first day of whatever is left of your life!

First a "before" picture.

Aaah!

I never miss a scrapbook-ortunity.

В™є deedley-dum, mem-ories в™є

bleet!

Let's start out with some role-playing.

Soos will play lazy Susan.

I'm soft like a woman.

Grunkle Stan, show me how you approach a woman.

Remember this is a safe, non-judgmental environment.

I'll just be right off to the side judging you on a scale from one to ten.

( Spits ) can I borrow some money? ( Whistle blows )

This is gonna be harder than I thought.

Head manotaur: After a lot of punching,

we have decided to deny your request to learn our manly secrets.

Denied!

Denied!

Okay, fine. That's okay with me.

Obviously you guys think it would be too hard to train me.

Maybe you're not man enough to try.

All: huh?!!!

Not man enough?!

Destructor...

Not man enough?!!!

He didn't mean it.

I have three y chromosomes, six Adam's apples,

pecs on my abs, and fists for nipples!

Seems to me you're scared to teach me how to be a man.

Hey, do you guys hear that? It sounds like...(Clucking)...

Oh, that's weird. ( Clucking )

Is that... that sounds like... Yeah, a bunch of chickens!

( All gasp )

( Muttering )

I feel all weird.

He's using some sort of brain magic!

After a second round of deliberation,

we have decided to help you become a man!

All: man! man! Man! Man!

Great! thanks, guys.

Whatever it is, i will not let you down.

( Eagle screeches )

Being a man is about conquering your fears.

For your first man task,

you must plunge your fist into the pain hole!

( All gasp ) the what?

Pain hole, schmain ho...

Whaaaa! aaaaaah!

Aaaahhh!!!!

Are you sure this is really necessary?

You wanna be a man, don't you?

All: man! man! Man! Man! Man! Man!

( Dipper screaming )

All right. Let's try to get that inner beauty on the outside.

Smile harder.

( Grunts )

Harder!

Perfect.

Soos! what's up, hambone?

What do you think?

Aaaaaah!

Ohh. this is going to take some really great training music.

В™є when the tiger roars в™є

в™є and the mountain cries в™є

в™є you gotta dream the dream в™є

в™є you gotta win the prize в™є

в™є you gotta go the miles в™є

в™є you gotta face the trials в™є

в™є never lose sight of the sights you see в™є

в™є you got believe your beliefs are real в™є

в™є now you're drinking from a fire hydrant в™є

в™є teach your uncle how to wear a cummerbund в™є

в™є now you're gonna jump a crazy gorge в™є

в™є keep on shavin' that hairy uncle в™є

в™є I don't really know what what's happening in this part в™є

в™є your heart's on fire and the fire is in your heart в™єв™є

aaah!

Who wants to rub this on my back?

Guys, I just want to say that these last few hours have been...

I feel like there's really been some growth.

I have a growth!

Glark, you are hilarious today!

It's just you guys took me under your wing

and have just been so supportive. Oh, stop.

No, you know what? You really have been.

I feel like I'm finally becoming a man here.

Not yet, destructor.

One final task remains.

( Towel snaps ) hey, quit it! You quit it!

The deadliest trial of all.

I've survived forty-nine other trials.

Whatever it is, bring it on!

Yeah! yeah! yeah!

Behold our leader... Leaderaur!

В™є rum-ta-tum-tum tum-ta-tum в™є

is he the oldest or wisest or...?

Greetings, young...

Aaaah!

Nah, he's just the offering. That is leaderaur.

( Old manotaur screams )

You! you wish to be man?

Arrrr!

Yeah! yeah! yeah!

Then you must do heroic act.

Go to highest mountain...

Aaaaah!

And bring back head of...

The multi-bear.

Ohh! ooh!

The multi-bear? That some sort of bear?

He's our sworn enemy.

Conquer him and your mansformation will be complete.

Conquer? I don't know, man.

Destructor! is this yours?

Uh, no. Ha ha! I... I don't know whose that is.

I was just borrowing it. It's a friend's. Not mine.

( Dubious growling ) i don't know about this.

Uh...

( Grunts )

I shall conquer the multi-bear!

( All cheering )

Aah! aah!

I'm okay.

( Heroic music playing )

( Thunder crashes )

( Thunder crashes )

I'm comin' for you, multi-bear.

Okay, grunkle Stan.

You started like this,

but you became...

Can I scratch myself now?

No! no, no, no!

Is that throw-up on your shirt?

I don't know how to answer that. Ohh!

Face it, Mabel, your uncle's unfixable.

Like that spinning pie trolley thing in the diner.

Grunkle Stan, come with me!

And leave your pants at home.

With pleasure!

What is a multi-bear?

( Growling )

Oh, that's a multi-bear.

( Roaring )

Bear heads... Silence!

( Whimpers )

Child, why have you come here?

Multi-bear, i seek your head!

Er, one of them, anyway. There's like, what, six? Six heads?

This if foolish! Leave now or die!

So be it.

( All roaring )

( Puny roar )

Hahh!

( Panicked roar )

A real man shows no mercy!

Ohh. very well, warrior.

But will you Grant a magical beast one last request?

Uh, okay.

I wish to die listening to my favorite song.

Tape is already in there. You can just hit any...

Yeah, yeah, that's it

( babba playing )

You listen to Icelandic pop group babba?

I-i love babba.

I thought I was the only one.

All the manotaurs make fun of me

because I know all the words to the song disco girl.

Oh, you mean... В™є disco girl в™є

в™є coming through в™є

в™є that girl is you в™є в™є that girl is you в™є

в™є ooh ooh, ooh ooh в™є в™є ooh ooh, ooh ooh в™є

ha ha ha! This is crazy!

Finally, someone who... Who understands that...

Oh, yeah. I guess I'm supposed to kill you or I'll never be a man.

I accept my fate.

No! really?

It's for the best.

( Grunts )

( All gasp ) I'm not gonna do it!

You were told the price of manhood is the multi-bear's head!

Listen, leaderaur, all right?

You too, testosteraur, pituitaur,

and... I don't know, whatever your name is.

Beardy? it's beardy.

You keep telling me that being a man means doing all these tasks

and being aggro all the time,

but I'm starting to think that stuff's malarkey.

( All gasping )

You heard me. Malarkey!

So maybe I don't have muscles or hair in certain places,

and sure, when a girly pop song comes on the radio,

sometimes I leave it on, 'cause dang it,

top 40 hits are in the top 40 for a reason,

they're catchy! Destructor!

What are you saying?

I'm saying the multi-bear is a really nice guy.

And you're a bunch of jerks if you want me to cut off his head!

( Roaring )

( Gasping )

Kill the multi-bear, or never be a man!

Then I guess I'll never be a man.

Boo! weak!

( All booing )

Hey, guys! Who wants to go build something and knock it down?

( All roaring ) man! Man! Man! Man!

Man! man! Man! Man! Man...

Spin! spin!

Lazy Susan, listen.

I know he's not much to look at,

but you're always fixing stuff in the diner,

and if you like fixing stuff,

nothing could use more fixing than my grunkle Stan.

Also, women live longer than men,

so your dating pool is smaller and you should really lower your standards.

So, lazy Susan, whaddya say?

Arggh.

Hey!

Here's my number.

Why don't you give me a call sometime?

Really? really!

Ha ha!

Also, here's some pie.

On the house... For you!

( Squeals ) we did it!

When are you gonna call? You want to call now?

I don't have a phone. Let's buy a phone!

We can put it on a credit card! Let's get a credit card.

Mabel! let a man enjoy his pie, huh?

Dipper! it's me, Mabel!

I'm looking at you through the glass!

Right here! This is my voice!

I'm talking to you from inside!

Didja see me through the... Yes.

What's wrong?

I don't want to talk about it. Good.

It's just these half-man, half-bull humanoids were hanging out with me...

Here we go. But then they wanted me

to do this really tough, horrible thing,

but it just wasn't right, so I said no.

You were your own man and you stood up for yourself.

Huh? you did what was right even though no one agreed with you.

Sounds pretty manly to me, but what do I know?

Wait a minute! Do my eyes deceive me?

You have a chest hair!

(Gasps) you're right! I do!

Ha ha! This is amazing, i really do!

Take that, man tester! Take that, pituitaur!

Pituitaur? this guy has chest hair!

Scrapbook-ortunity!

Don't worry, kid. If you're anything like me,

there's more where that came from.

Ohh, gross!

( All laughing )

Seriously, that's disgusting.

( Telephone ringing )

Oh, not again!

Answering machine: Message number thirty-six.

Lazy Susan: Hey, handsome!

It's me, lazy Susan, calling to say hi!

Hi! my cats also wanted to say hi.

Say hi, Donald.

Cat: meow. Good. Sandy, you say hi.

Cat 2: Meow. Mr. cat face, now it's your turn to...

Cat 3: (Screeches ) Mr. cat face!

Anyway, call me! Call me back! (Beep)

How do I get out of this?!