All language subtitles for Dharma & Greg s05e20 The Tooth Is Out There

I cannot believe there is an entire
bookstore devoted to crackpot conspiracy

theories. Yeah.

It's Larry's favorite.

Well, Blair, they've got a whole bunch
of new stuff on the Kennedy

assassination.

Oh, who cares?

It was probably just Oswald anyway.

Boy, getting fired's really bummed
around. Oh, yeah.

Well, he's always a little depressed
between jobs.

Remember that rough stretch we had from
78 to 89?

Oh, look at this.

Alien Abductions, a 12 -step recovery
handbook.

This is a joke. Not to people in AAAA.

But, Dharma, this is not something you
believe in, right?

Well, it's not really a subjective
thing, Greg. It's science.

Dharma, it is not science.

Look, I can deal with aromatherapy and
astrology, and I'm willing to take a

-and -see position on reincarnation, but
come on. I mean, UFOs, those are for...

People in pickup trucks on dirt roads
that, you know, done seed it with their

own two eyes.

Fine, Greg. Humans built pyramids.

Find anything good, Larry?

No.

Hey, Mike.

You know, if you ever need anyone to
help out here at the store, Larry knows

this place like the back of Big Potato.

I wish I could hire him, Dharma. But I'm
still in the store.

For all I know, next week, this will be
a jamba juice.

This is all I need.

First the Earth shoe store closes, and
now this.

Larry, the Earth shoe store closed 20
years ago.

Yeah, and now this.

Man, why are you selling?

I'm spread too thin. I have the UFO
support group, my Loch Ness newsletter,

I'm writing a musical based on my
favorite episode of Star Trek.

Larry, this could be a great opportunity
for you.

What do I know about running a Jamba
Juice? Oh, yeah.

do you think your dad would put up the
money to buy this place?

For the guy he just fired?

He could have just said no.

What about your brother, Larry? He could
put up the money.

I don't want his money. It's blood
money.

He's a dentist.

Gums bleed, Dharma.

Gums bleed.

Come on, Abby.

Do you really believe that there are
little guys like this flying around the

planet? Like this?

No. Of course not. They're in ships.

Those are weather balloons, or
atmospheric phenomena, or pie plates on

And me, if you have some evidence you
would like to show me, I'd be willing to

have an open mind, unlike some people.

Okay, so just so that I know what I'm up
against, where do you stand on the

Easter Bunny?

Well, I ain't seen it with my own two
eyes, Greg, but how do you explain them

chocolate eggs?

So, I am no longer a member of the
unholy international military dental

conspiracy.

I'm not really sure.

Anyway, he's doing something now that
you'd be very proud of.

Speaking of going into business, there's
a bookstore for sale that he's

interested in. And you want me to be an
investor?

Oh, no, you'd have to buy the whole
thing.

Dharma, honey, your father and I barely
speak.

Let me tell you something.

Here's a big old check. It's a great
icebreaker.

I don't think so, Dharma.

Perfect for Larry. This is a place where
he could be happy for the rest of his

life. And I know you want him to be
happy. You still sent him dental floss

his birthday.

Sweetheart. Come on.

Besides losing a whole bunch of money,
what's the worst that could happen?

Dharma, I don't think that he would even
take money from us. Well, yeah, that's

the other thing. You'd probably have to
beg him a little.

Well, I'll tell you what. I will think
about it. In the meantime, I found your

problem. I have a problem? I don't have
a problem.

You, my dear, have a fractured filling.

Judy, could you set up for a two
-surface composite and bring the

a 21 -gauge needle?

He's just kidding, Judy!

I don't know why you're bringing me back
down here. I can't afford to buy this

place. You probably can.

I'm not really going to play hardball
here.

Larry, let's not worry about the money.
Just look around and decide if this is

something that you'd like to do.

It's a very exciting line of work.

Hello. Hey, Uncle Herb.

What's he doing here?

Well, I told him about the store, and he
said he'd be willing to help you out.

Take a look around, Uncle Herb. I don't
want his help. No need to be hasty.

Let's see what the nice man with a Rolex
has to say.

It's, uh, it's not a bad place. You
know, I mean, it could use a little

up. You might want to move this bookcase
out of the doorway here.

Remodeling is one of the privileges of
ownership.

It's a great opportunity, Uncle Herb.

Larry, if this is something that you
want to do and you think you can make a

of it, I would be glad to lend you the
money.

You see what he does to me? How can I
work with that?

Okay, Dharma, I tried. No, hang on,
Uncle Herb. Yes, hang on, Uncle Herb.

Larry, he really wants to help you out
here.

No, he doesn't. He just wants to show
he's the big man, just like he makes

everybody call him doctor when he's not
one.

I am a dentist.

Let me ask you a question.

In a theater, when somebody yells, is
there a doctor in the house, do you go

running? Of course not. Well, I do,
because I care about people, and that

always be the difference between us. Why
don't we focus on the things that you

have in common, huh?

It's like, hey, I never noticed it
before, but you both have the same

pain in your forehead when you get
angry.

Dharma, Dharma, I cannot, I cannot talk
to this man. He thinks it is a crime to

be successful. I've worked for
everything I have. Not everything.

Okay, here it is. Come on, come on.
Let's talk about a Hank Greenberg

card taken from me in a crooked staring
contest.

How can a staring contest be crooked?
You tell me.

Why y 'all sort this out?

I'm writing down a number that would
make me very happy and several others

would be just fine.

Okay, okay. This is ridiculous. I win
again.

Do you want the money or not?

Okay, okay.

I'll take it. But you have to promise
not to lord it over me.

I wouldn't do that, Larry.

Of course not. Because you're the
perfect brother.

Okay, now you say something nice to
Larry.

Oh, hello, son. I didn't know you were
here.

Want a drink? Oh, no, thanks.

Do you want to hear the weirdest thing?

I was looking at this book on UFOs that
Dharma has, and I realized that I have

the same book from high school, but
they've changed it.

Same sightings, but now they're
unexplained. The documentation is

They've deleted all of the rational
explanations.

How is Dharma?

She's fine, but she believes in UFOs,
and this kind of stuff is why.

You know, we had a couple of boys in
Vietnam who said they saw a UFO or two.

You think maybe they did drugs? Well,
after seeing something like that, who

could blame them?

Gregory. Hello, dear. What brings you
by?

Probably nothing. Maybe something. Maybe
something big.

Well, I wish you luck with that.

What's that, a rose?

Oh, this, yes. Well, it's the most
delightful thing. I had lunch with

that little French place. And you know
that charming valet? The one who always

remembers my name.

Yeah. He left this on the passenger
seat.

Well, don't you think that's a little
inappropriate?

Edward, are you jealous?

No. What would I do with a flower?

You are jealous. It's not right. You're
a man's wife.

Yes, I am.

Now, I'm going up to my bedroom.

Why don't you slip into something a
little more comfortable and join me?

Absolutely.

Uh, just to save us both a little
embarrassment, this is about sex, right?

Okay, one used cash register, 50 bucks.

Pete, you are a lifesaver. Larry broke
the other one trying to find the bell.

Did you know that Richard Nixon enlisted
Elvis as a consultant on the fake moon

landing and part of it was filmed at
Graceland?

Yeah, I heard that.

Okay, let me tell you a couple things
about this. It doesn't have numbers per

se, so here's what you got to do. Say
you got a book that's like $6.

You want to hit quarter pounder, quarter
pounder.

That's not quite enough, so you want to
go large fry, and that'll bring you

right in the ballpark there.

Karma, your belief in UFOs is not your
fault.

I've done some research, and I think
I've stumbled on an organized conspiracy

individuals suppressing the truth about
UFOs for their own financial gain.

Yep, we're all getting rich. That's how
we can afford these fancy lights.

You know, I dated a girl who was
abducted by a UFO. You did not.

All right. She wasn't a girl. She was
pushing 60, but...

Let me tell you, my friend, those
aliens, they taught her a few tricks.

Yes, this makes sense. The superior race
travels millions of miles to teach our

women how to have sex.

Take a look at these things, Greg.
They're not lookers.

They better have some skills.

Look at this. We live in a culture of
irrationality and conclusion jumping.

Yeah, hang on, honey. Where is our grand
opening at? I took it down there

myself. They said we were going to be
right between the futons and the colonic

irrigation.

Excuse me.

Fire inspection.

Oh. Okay.

Yes, hi. I'm calling about an ad I
placed yesterday.

Let me ask you a question.

Does this look like a UFO to you?

Yeah, I guess so. Yeah, based on your
own observation or on a predisposition

caused by images you've seen in the
media?

Oh.

Yeah, I guess I see your point. See,
it's easy if I explain it to you one -on

-one, but the trick is to explain it to
a brainwashed public at large.

Yeah, I bet that's the trick, all right.

Strange. They said Mr. Finkelstein
called and canceled the ad. That doesn't

any sense. We open tomorrow.

No, you don't. What?

Call us when you move that bookcase out
of the doorway and we'll reinfect.

No, no, no. It's always been there.

Can you believe this guy?

Why did Larry cancel the ad?

Maybe he didn't.

Maybe you were given false information.

It happens. No, the woman said she
personally spoke to a Mr.

Finkelstein.

But she didn't say Larry.

Why would Uncle Herb cancel the ad?

So the store would fail.

But he put up the money. Yeah, and why?

Look at this place.

Honey, Larry always claims that Uncle
Herb always wants everyone to know that

he's the big success and that Larry is
the failure.

Maybe there's something to that. I mean,
who's the one who noticed the bookcase

and all of a sudden the fire inspector
shows up? If the store never opens,

looks like a loser and Uncle Herb comes
out scot -free just like the guys who

faked the moon landing.

See, honey, this is the problem with you
believing in UFOs. It makes stuff like

this almost sound like it makes sense.

I'm sorry I haven't seen more of you,
little guy.

He's a beautiful boy, Larry. I know. And
look at that head of hair.

Don't get too attached to a little
fella.

Word of the truth.

I don't know how you did it, Dharma, but
it sure is great to see Herb and Larry

getting along so well.

Yeah.

Maybe I didn't do such a good thing
here.

Why? Something wrong?

I might have conspiracies on the brain
here, but I

think Uncle Herb is trying to sabotage
the store.

Tell me that's completely crazy.

I wish I could, sweetie.

Why? Well, Herb's always been kind of
jealous of Larry.

You know, of his lifestyle and his
accomplishments and his analytical mind.

And plus, he never quite got over the
fact that I chose Larry over him.

I never knew that.

Yeah, yeah.

I dated her first.

But we were at this party one night, and
I saw your father across the room.

You know, he was wearing one of those
fringe jackets, and he was spinning

and around.

I thought he was dancing, but he was
just trying to get his arm into his

He needed me, and I've been there ever
since.

Herb was pretty upset.

Well, he didn't say anything, but when
Larry took me home, he tried to run us

off the road twice.

Let's serve the carrot cake.

I don't see anything wrong, Dharma.

Oh, there's something there. Keep
looking. Maybe it's one of my molars.

The only problem I see in here, a little
piece of walnut from your mom's carrot

cake.

So, how's it going with the bookstore?

Are you guys still opening tomorrow?

Why wouldn't we be?

I don't know.

Well, we are.

It's going to be a huge success. We got
one of the guys from the X -Files coming

to sign autographs.

Really? Yeah.

Mitch Pelleggi plays the FBI boss.

With him there to watch us, there's no
stopping us.

We just have to make sure that nothing
happens to him when he's walking to the

store from the St. Regis Hotel at 9 o
'clock in the morning, right?

Okay, I see what's going on.

Why, nothing. I'm just talking about a
guy who plays Skinner on The X -Files

staying at the St. Regis Hotel.

I think biting down on that walnut might
have given you a little hairline crack

in that molar.

No, it didn't.

Does this bother you?

Are you sure?

I would tell you if it hurt, you don't
have to do it again.

Well, I did it.

I laid a little trap for Uncle Herb with
a little piece of cheese named Mitch

Polygy. Darma, you're drooling.

Yeah, I had a root canal, but it was so
worth it.

What's that?

Oh, just some UFO info that might open a
few eyes down at Larry's door.

Do you want a tissue? No, no, I'm fine.

Except for the throbbing pain.

Darma, Darma, look what you're doing.

You know, I know you care about your
father, but you really have gone over

edge here. I think you need to stop
obsessing. Where are you going? Oh, um,

Bruno UFO Society.

I'm going to rub their roses in the
trees.

Right in front of me.

He gave you the damn flower right in
front of me. Oh, please, he was

Oh, my, look at this. Oh, well.

Oh, a little, a little poem.

Uh, amor,

that's love, right?

Let me see that.

When I was a kid, I parked cars one
summer at the country club. You fill

with the radio station, you move the
seat around, maybe you take a little

change, but you leave the man's wife
alone.

I will meet you upstairs.

The hell you will.

Edward, you're back.

Damn right I'm back.

You have to understand, people, you were
taken in.

It's not your fault.

It's a bad conspiracy.

They had to throw the books.

Spielberg had the movie coming out.

This is not fringe stuff.

Aliens are a billion -dollar business in
this country, and you are the poor,

unwitting pawns of the industry.

Any questions?

No. I think you made yourself pretty
clear.

Thank you.

Takes all camps, don't it?

Yes, hi. Is this Marcel?

Yeah, hi. I'm the lady who called you
about an hour ago about Mitch Pelleggi

from the X -Files.

I am not a kook. I just want to walk
behind him and make sure he doesn't get

kidnapped by a dentist.

I have bad news. I think something
happened with Mitch Pelleggi and I

What?

Okay, I'll be right there.

Oh, my God.

Oh.

I came as soon as I heard. Oh, if not
sooner.

What? Larry, I'm sorry you have to find
out this way, but...

Uncle Herb has been setting you up to
fail. He canceled the ad. He tipped off

the fire inspector. He Shanghai'd our
celebrity.

And when all else failed, he took a
match to the place.

I burned the store down.

You heard it. Take him away, boys.

Wait, wait. Dharma, Herb didn't set the
fire. They said that those old lights

that you put up started it.

And I canceled the ad.

You did?

Well, you said everybody will see it.

Everybody includes the CIA, the FBI, the
student loan people.

Then who tipped off the fire inspector?

I think you did when you filed the
application for a business license.

That was a good thing, Dharma, honey.
There could have been people in here

you started the fire.

Okay.

All right, fine.

But then what happened to the guy from
the X -Files?

I'm here.

Where have you been? I was waiting
outside the hotel for you.

Sorry, I had to sneak out the back.
Concierge gave me a heads up on some

fan that was stalking me.

That would be me.

Oh, my God, Larry, I burned your
bookstore down.

It's okay, Pumpkin.

It was an accident.

We'll fix it up, and we'll start again.

I'm so sorry.

It's okay. It's okay.

She's a good kid, but sometimes she gets
these crazy ideas in her head. I think

she gets it from her mother.

Kids? What are you going to do?

My 12 -year -old insists on dressing
like Britney Spears.

Is Brian 12?

Or a misfit artist?

Mazel tov.

What happened?

Dharma healed a family.

Also, it turns out I was the mastermind
behind a vast conspiracy to shut down my

father's bookstore.

I don't think so, Dharma.

I think it's bigger than that.

And I don't think one man can fight it.

Are you the X -Files guy?

Yes. You are part of something larger
than you could ever, ever imagine.

Let's walk and talk, my friend.

Excuse me, Manuel.

Yes. I'm Edward Montgomery.

Silver Mercedes.

Pretty wife.

I wondered when this moment would come.
Look, I know what's going on.

It took me a couple of times to figure
it out, but she put you up to doing this

flower thing to make me jealous.

It is not some kind of a put -up. It's
okay. She's a very persuasive woman, but

I'm on to you now.

You don't understand, Mr. Montgomery.

Your wife is a beautiful, amazing woman,
and I love her.

I love her with all my heart.

Well, whatever the deal is.

Could you dial it back a notch?

I could probably handle one rose a week,
but two is killing me.