Original subtitles

Okay, I got a bunch. I got games to play with your lover in bed, a thousand and

one erotic nights, and keep your pants on a beginner's guide to tantric sex.

What? I made that one up.

Dermot, Dermot, Dermot, you know, there's probably an even better

books like this online.

Honey, we are married adults. We have sex.

Nothing to be embarrassed about. Come on.

The Collector's Guide to Model Railroads and Cooking for One. Are you seeing a

connection here, Casey Jones?

He's trying to help.

Marlene, when did you start working here? Hmm, shortly after your husband

me and my life spiraled down into minimum wage hell.

Very interesting selection.

Just casual reading or a cry for help.

Gan.

Newsflash. You're not the boss of me anymore.

Dylan is.

That'll be $63 .21.

You carry loose checks in your purse? How do you keep track?

If it's over $100, I write it down on my hand.

Oh, my God, I hope that's a phone number.

I'm going to need to see your driver's license.

Don't look at the photo. I was eating a jawbreaker.

You know, this is expired.

How could you let your life expire?

It's not something you do, Greg. It just happened.

Well, it's just a little irresponsible.

Well, with sweet talk like that, no wonder you need the books. Here you go.

Let me know how they work out. We will.

No, we won't.

My prayers are with you.

Pretend roadways are most slippery.

Oh. Dharma.

True? It's multiple choice.

Okay, then B.

Teeth or no teeth?

It's a driver's license. I know, and I've never taken a good one. Dharma, you

know, most people study for their DMV test. Most people balance their

checkbooks. Most people carry their checkbook.

Make it small first. Where else am I supposed to put my harmonica?

I just don't know how you're going to pass.

Oh, please.

We're ready to take the test. Ah, see?

He thinks I'm ready.

Excuse me, I have a question. Just a minute.

May I help you? Yes. Question seven on the sample test about posted speed

doesn't take into account the California basic speed law.

Sir, this is renewals.

meaningless piddly crap is line four.

This isn't piddly crap.

By suggesting that that's the right answer, you're encouraging people to act

a way which may pose a danger to others on the highway.

You're right. I'm sorry.

Starting tomorrow, we'll institute a recall of every driver's license that's

ever been issued in the state of California, and you'll be receiving a

little badge.

Done. Did you check your answers?

That's what this guy's doing.

You passed.

I didn't even study.

You'll be receiving your permanent license in the mail.

What are you doing with that?

I'm going to keep it in a safe place. I'm going to put it in my harmonica

Oh, my God.

What's wrong?

I just remembered that Larry wanted to put the van up on blocks.

Does he need a special form for that?

Of course. Form 535, non -operation of a motor vehicle.

Great. Could you go get me one?

Uh, sure.

Hey.

Excuse me. Was I wearing a diamond ring when I came in here? Let me check my

diary. I usually write that kind of thing down.

Oh, your masking pain was sarcasm. I'm sorry I don't have time to help.

Excuse me. Did you see a ring over here with a diamond?

It's kind of heirloomy looking because it is an heirloom.

So I didn't know when I got it, and if I lose it now, it's... It's going to make

me look really irresponsible to some people like this guy.

Hey, what's going on?

I'm just talking fashion with this guy.

It's a really cool hat. I have one like it, but you, it's so much better.

Hi. Hi.

Hi. Where's Janet?

I don't know. I'm a temp.

Well, I'm Greg's wife.

Permanent.

I need you to do something for me that might seem a little weird.

Well, I don't think I should.

I'm a temp.

It's no big deal. It's just I lost my engagement ring, and I've been freaking

out about it all day long, but I'm pretty sure I know where it is now. Greg

I kind of got busy in his office last night. It's got to be in there.

Okay. Okay, so I just need you to make up some kind of bogus meeting to get him

out of there so that I can go in there and look in the couch and on the desk

in the corner behind the plant.

I said it would just be phones and light filing.

Uh, so as soon as that's done, we'll set up a teleconference with their CFO.

Okay, and I'll drop over my proposal.

Terrific. Hi. Hey, listen, Gretchen, if you wanted to work on that proposal

together, maybe we could do it over at my place, over some drinks.

I don't think so, Pete.

I'm getting somewhere. She didn't call me Phil.

You know, Pete, I think drinks at your place is a little much. Why don't you

just ask her to have coffee with you?

How is that going to impair her judgment enough to sleep with me?

Hey, so did you come by just to say hi?

No, I came by to see if you wanted to get a cup of coffee.

But it turns out that you have a very important meeting to go to.

They need you on the eighth floor right away.

I'll just wait in your office.

We don't have offices on the eighth floor. I think it's a travel agency or a

dentist's office.

Yeah, they said you know what it's about.

Who did?

The travel agent.

And the dentist.

I don't think I have a meeting. Do you want to go get that cup of coffee?

who has time for coffee? I have to go to the supermarket and the co -op and the

You Wash Doggy place. Yes, the You Wash Doggy place.

Do you know what that was about?

with you being this concerned about a material object.

Abby, it's not the object. It's what it represents.

I'm sorry. We're looking for what a ring represents.

Good point, honey. It's a ring. It's just a symbol of your commitment to your

life partner.

When you have it, when you don't, it symbolizes an irresponsible wife who

her license expire and loses jewelry.

That's why Abby and I planted a tree together. You can almost always find a

tree.

Honey, I'm sure Greg's gonna understand.

Abby, maybe... Maybe he will, but the ring is an heirloom from Kitty, who got

from her mother, who gave it to her in lieu of kindness and warmth.

That's Greg.

Act cool.

Larry? Larry?

What are you doing?

You're right. That's a different deal.

Hey, Pete, Greg's not here.

No, I want to talk to you. Well, now's not a good time.

Well, this won't take long.

You were right about asking Gretchen out for coffee. It worked like a charm.

Now, how do I get her to go for the whole heat gelato?

Can I possibly call you with that later?

Well, no. Later I'll be having coffee with her, and the only thing I know to

that works is, will you have coffee with me? And that would be a little awkward

at that point.

Hang on. I got something for you.

Oh, you met a woman.

I don't want to get all sentimental.

God, is she hot?

This stuff's good. A little salty, a little sweet.

What is it?

Stuff we found on the couch.

Not bad.

Inside this notebook is everything women are looking for in a guy.

Wow, really?

You don't have it on tape. I'm not much of a reader. Don't, don't.

What did you give him?

for the ring. I found a silly list that me and some friends made when we were

12. It was our idea of the perfect boy. You know, polite, funny, doesn't throw

rocks at you.

Honey, how is that going to help? I don't know, but it's not going to hurt

and he's gone, so let's just keep looking.

I found it! I found it!

Oh, well, look at that. We found each other. And you know what, honey? A day

doesn't go by when I'm not thankful that we did.

Come on, let's get back to bed. What were you doing on the fire escape?

I was on the roof.

I left my engagement ring on the roof.

You lost my mother's family ring? No, Greg, this is not a lost ring. This

here, they found ring.

As soon as we get the tar off of it, it's going to be good as new.

Well, you could have told me it was missing. I would have helped you look

it. Would you have tied it into the whole driver's license, Dharma is

irresponsible theme?

My point here... If you would have had help looking.

Well, the important thing is that I found it, and I'm going to be more

from now on. Okay.

Okay. I'm going to balance my checkbook, and I'm not going to lose things

anymore. You're going to close that window? I'm going to close windows.

Pete, I had no idea you were so funny.

Well, I think a sense of humor is important for a guy.

but a mature sense of humor, you know, not turning your eyelids inside out kind

of thing.

Listen, I'm still early.

Do you want to stop somewhere for a drink?

I'm not much of a drinker myself, but if that's something you'd like to do, I

sure won't throw rocks at you.

This is very, very disturbing.

Do you know what's going on here?

I do, and I could explain it to you, but I don't think it'd help you understand

because it's not helping me.

Beautiful bracelet.

That'd go nicely with those earrings you had on yesterday.

Oh, you noticed my earring.

It's to say I'm a boy who does his homework.

You know what? On the other hand, it looks like they really like each other.

What's the harm?

Well, I might throw up a very expensive dinner.

Oh, God, they're open. I'm going to run in and get my ring. Okay.

Stop that.

Really? No.

what you said to me. I said you should stop pulling me. Before that.

You gotta hear this. Tell him. I said this ring is a beautiful fake.

What?

I have been killing myself over a fake ring?

That can't be. Are you sure?

The sign says jeweler. That means I know diamonds.

If it said butcher, I'd know brisket.

I would never give a girl fake jewelry.

Or noogies.

Lovely surprise.

Shall I have Celia bring us some tea, perhaps?

No, we can't stay long. We just wanted to let you know that Dharma had her ring

cleaned.

At a jeweler's. Yes.

Before you begin, may I have a moment to present my side?

By all means.

You gave me a fake ring. Dharma, we're letting Mother go first.

To begin with...

It's a very good copy. Only a jeweler can tell the difference.

Why don't we just skip ahead to the part where she doesn't trust me as far as

she can throw me?

All right.

If you will recall, when Gregory came to me for the ring, you had been married

for five days, having known each other for five days. Now, now, now, I

understand that you have grown to have a deep affection for each other and you

appear to be deeply committed to this marriage. However, at the time, I had

concerns. But we explained it to you, Kitty. We told you we were soulmates and

the universe meant for us to be together.

Hence my disquiet.

Mother, were you ever going to say anything? Well, I intended to, but time

on and I sort of missed that window in which it would have been not awkward to

bring it up.

Such a weenie excuse, Kitty. All right, all right, all right.

Where's the real ring? Well, it's in a safe deposit box, so don't you think,

Dama, we'd be much more comfortable wearing this ring? Mother, you know

Greg, forget it. She doesn't trust me. I don't need this ring, and I really

don't need to stand here and listen to her justify why, after five years of

marriage to her son, she still doesn't think that I should have it.

Well, that was indeed awkward.

But I think it worked out all right. Mother.

Where are you going, Liebling?

Just go and answer the door.

Okay. Don't take too long.

Oh, Greg.

I didn't understand your message. What's the emergency?

It's Gretchen.

Is she sick?

With love.

I haven't been out of that bedroom in two days.

And this is a problem?

I can't feel my legs, Greg.

You've got to give him an excuse to get me out of here.

I have to go. My wife is very upset.

Oh, that won't work. She knows I'm not married.

Oh, hello, Greg.

Hi, Gretchen. Pete can't talk now.

He's very busy.

Now, sweetie, remember, without a little downtime, there's no uptime.

Oh, yes. I mean, you're right.

I'll make you a sandwich and a nice cold beer.

Help me.

You know, this is all Dharma's fault. Why?

She gave me this little book of thoughts to do. You know, things like listen to

a girl's feelings and ask her what she thinks about it.

Work. Right.

Drink plenty of fluids and don't forget to stretch.

Well, the fact is, Greg, you know, it's a little bit out of my league, but I

could train for that. You know, I could get the hang of it.

It's just that now she's talking about marriage and growing old together and

flying me down to Dusseldorf to meet the Volks.

You can undo this.

Just be yourself. Women don't like you.

Not usually.

Excuse us, Greg.

I got one more then.

Here you are, dama, and I hope you will accept my sincere apology.

I do.

You may now kiss the bride.

I hope you understand why I did what I did, and I know it was misguided, and I

trust you will forgive me.

Welcome to the family.

Thank you.

Oh, and there's more.

Ooh, an antique choker that's dressy, but you can still wear casual?

Your very own safe deposit box.

In your name. My gift to you, completely paid for.

Now, if you have anything that's very valuable, you place it in here, where it

will be safe. You can come and visit it whenever you want.

During regular banking hours.

That's a great idea, Kitty.

1961 E -flat honer. Kind of rare.

Bye.

Of course, you. It seemed like you guys were doing great.

I thought so, too.

He seemed to care about who I was, not just how I looked.

But then he started saying something like he wasn't himself and I was too

And I told him I didn't understand. And he said you'd be able to explain it to

me.

Right.

Listen, Gretchen, let me ask you something, okay?

If you had something that you knew was really valuable, would you wear it out

into the world or would you keep it hidden someplace safe?

I guess I'd wait out into the world. Yeah, but then you run the risk of

it. True.

So maybe it is better to keep it locked up.

Wow, I never thought of it that way. Yeah, because, you know, then you have

and no one can take it from you, and then when it's appropriate, you show it

off. Oops.

And that's how my feelings should be.

Trapped inside, waiting until the right time.

That makes so much sense.

Thank you. Thank you so much.

Yes, I'll be the tiebreaker. I think Dharma looks more like a possum.

I'm getting it redone.

No, Dharma, it's just a driver's license photo. You don't have to have it

redone. She really does.

There's a marvelous photographer at the DMV in Atherton. It's a bit of a drive,

but, oh, it's worth it.

Thank you.

Oh, Dharma, I have a meaning to tell you. I'm so delighted to see that you're

wearing that ring. It does no one any good locked up.

Well, and at the same time, I want you to know that I really see your point

about keeping it locked in a bank.

Nonsense! You wear it.

This is the fake.

The real one's in here, and I can't get it out.

My bank? Uh -huh.

I was going to put it in the safe deposit box, but the bank was closed, so

thought I'd put it in my jewelry box. My jewelry box is this Pringles can. It

just has that little plastic lid, you know?

It fills in the freshness, but not the jewelry.

So I thought, oh, I'll put it in the little... bank until I can get it to the

big bank. You know that's rusted shut. Yeah, we know that now, don't we?

So I took it to a locksmith and he said he'd have to use a torch and it might

ruin the ring. So here, please take it and don't ever let me have it again.

Dharma, Dharma, there is no need to be upset.

A ring is an object and there is no object that is more important than a

We should probably go. Hang on.

There's no way she's that involved.

Well,

She gave me another fake. Well, it's a good thing that I did, because look what

happened. I can't believe you said to yourself that you're irresponsible, and

here you are. You're irresponsible.

That's what I thought. It was the real ring. I do not need to discuss this with

you anymore. Yes, you do, because you're going to give me the real ring, and I'm

going to put it in this stupid little bag, lock it up, and give it back to

You know, some people think my photo looks like Lauren Green.

A little bit.

He was a great actor. Very underrated.

You know,

if I'm not mistaken, I think Lauren Green was Canadian. I believe you're

How to mend a broken heart.

Smart women, foolish choices.

Women, men, love. Women, men, leave.

These are for you?

Yeah. This is the happiest day of my life.

If Slenderelle here can't keep one, then we're all screwed.