Original subtitles

So, you guys got big plans for Harry's birthday? Yeah, we're thinking a mud pit

birth reenactment and a baby drumming circle.

The usual stuff.

Hey, you know what's fun? I mean, it's kind of corny, but my parents would

always get this clown.

Oh, Greg.

A clown is a cruel exaggeration of unfortunate deformities, and the pain of

condition is masked by that grotesque, painted smile.

Well, no, don't get that one.

So when's the party?

Saturday. It's the week from Saturday.

Well, that's still technically a Saturday.

Oh, no, Greg's not going to be able to make it. He and his father... Oh, my

Something in my eye! Can you believe he's won already?

He must be doing something right, because he doesn't look it.

I don't think we should tell them about my fishing trip.

What's wrong with your eye? I poked it when I said my eye, my eye.

I think we should just tell Abby that Dad and I are going on a business trip.

Why? Because we're going deep -sea fishing. That's killing fish, and isn't

going to have a problem with that?

No. Indians fish.

Bears fish.

I'm sure she'll be fine with it. Yeah, but why take the chance? Let's just make

something up.

Honey, I have never lied to my parents, and I don't want to start now.

Is everything okay?

Yes, Abby.

The reason Greg can't go week from Saturday is because he and his father

going deep -sea fishing.

I think... I think pulling defenseless, beautiful sea

creatures out of their homes with hooks and the flopping of terrified

fish eyes asking, why?

Why?

Oh, Larry!

Did you want to mention the Indians?

Carton of smoked aquanet hairspray and Intimus coffee cake.

Either Bubby Pinklestein is coming or you've fallen off a whole bunch of

different wagons here.

Your grandmother is coming in for Harry's birthday. She surprised us with

news last night.

Abby, where's the quilted toilet paper? You know my needs quilted toilet paper.

I'm sorry, Larry. I'll pick some up.

I keep forgetting your mother is such a delicate woman.

And you get the wrong denture cleaner. She needs the one for smokers.

Okay. I'll pick some up when I go out to get the, uh, bulk laxative, not chalky

-tasting. My choice.

Abby, you're stressing.

Ugh.

All right.

Well, this probably isn't the best time to bring this up, but... What? I really

need to talk to you about Greg.

Oh, yeah.

I'm sorry, honey. I'm sorry I was so upset with him. That's okay.

That's what he's doing. It's such a horrible thing, you know? I was up all

night, Dermot, thinking about those beautiful fish. I know, the look, the

bopping, I know.

But how do you know that Greg is a good guy?

He's just a little different from us. You know, these are the customs of his

tribe, right? You know? He goes fishing. He plays the paintball warrior game. He

blogs to a country club. Wait, wait, wait. He plays the paintball warrior

Not a lot. A little. And he's not good at it. I think he's a field medic,

actually. No.

Dharma, he celebrates violence as a game?

Oh, listen.

You know, honey, I have never said anything about the things Greg does. His

the leather shoes that he wears. But, you know, look what he's doing to you,

honey.

He's just lured you into a world of credit cards and lamb chops.

You know, I saw him the other day hold a door open for you. I mean, is this

really the man that you want to have your children with?

I'm sorry, but you want me to leave my husband because he goes fishy?

I can live with the other things, Dharma, but now he has blood on his

Fish blood.

What you decide to do is, of course, your own business, but he's not

welcome in my house.

Should I have Celia pack your glasses in your sports watch, or should we just

throw them in the ocean and save you the trouble?

I'll miss you, dear.

Hey,

Dad, I think I'm going to go with the downrigger and the 40 -pound lead core.

Yeah, you go with the 40 -pound core. I'll go with the 100 -proof scotch.

Now, you make sure he packs that carefully. I do not want him drinking

Here they are.

Hello. Hey. Hi.

Meet in Montgomery. You have a telephone call.

Oh, thank you, Celia. Oh, Edward, I almost forgot. I bought you a fishing

I want you to try it on. It's from Neiman Marcus. Do not get it wet.

So, how'd it go with Abby?

Pretty good.

Grandma's coming to visit. You're banned from the house, and I'm supposed to

think about leaving you, but that part's up to me.

I'm just going fishing, for crying out loud.

It is possible that Abby's a little on edge because of Bubby.

Well, there.

Yeah.

You know what I think might help a little and just kind of smooth

over? What?

Don't go fishing.

Look, Dad and I love this trip. We haven't been in a couple of years, and

the only thing that we do together, just him and me.

Well, okay. You want to spend time with your dad on a boat, that's fine. You

don't have to fish.

You can pretend to be pirates.

Or Tom and Huck on the Big Muddy.

Or go whale watching. People enjoy whale watching.

Dharma, I'm sure that Abby will get over this. Besides, if it turns into some

kind of whale -watching trip, my mother's going to want to go. What?

Just making a point, Dad. Well, don't do it again. You gave me the heebie

-jeebies.

Hey, Larry, you got a minute? Sure, pumpkin. I'm just puttering.

Can you reach in that toolbox and pass me the garlic salt?

So what's going on?

Well, you know, Greg's leaving on this fishing trip tomorrow.

Yeah, I know.

That's got to be a lot of fun.

Well, yeah, except Abby's kind of having a problem with it. She sure is.

I don't know what to do, Larry.

I mean, she's serious about this.

She's painting him out of the mural in the bathroom.

I know.

But she hasn't sanded him off the family totem pole.

Think she'll ever get over this? Sure she will.

Abby is very reasonable.

You know, she used to have big problems with my mother.

But now, Bobby gets to visit.

She gets to stay up to three days, and she can even have brisket.

As long as it's never in the house.

Oh, crap. The alarm didn't go off. I shut it off.

I don't want you to go fishing.

You unroll the duct tape on the snores.

That's my dad.

Obviously, this is not the first time you've been duct taped to a bed.

Dharma, I'm going fishing. All right. Let me just read you a little something

first. The grizzled fishermen return in their dirty station wagon. The fish,

broken and bleeding, strapped to their fender.

The young... are without mothers to suckle them.

This is about deer, honey. You crossed out deer and you wrote fish.

I don't find anything about fishing. It's basically the same thing.

I gotta go. I will call you tonight.

You... You... You are not going. You are not going.

Is that... Is that an anchovy? Are you throwing anchovies at me?

They're sardines.

Ridiculous! Of course I know I'm being ridiculous, but I cannot spend the rest

of my life not being able to have my husband and my mother in the same room.

Come on, Craig, it's just a stupid fishing trip. Which, for the record, I

not want to tell your mother about.

Yeah, well, yeah.

Okay, look.

I'm absolutely not supposed to tell you this, but the truth is my father and I

don't go deep sea fishing.

mean you don't go deep sea fishing we go somewhere else where do you go i can't

tell you i made a promise to my father and i can't break that promise but i

you my word and you can truthfully tell your mother that i'm not fishing you're

just gonna have to trust me on this do you trust me of course i trust you now

tell me where you're going i love you if you're not

This is my treat.

Oh, no, no, no.

I'm as full as a tick.

I'll just get something to take home.

So, uh, I guess Greg pretty much tells you everything that goes on in his life,

right?

Okay.

Listen, Dharma, if you found some panties in the car, those are mine.

Pete, I just want to know where he went this weekend.

And he didn't tell you?

No.

Listen, Dharma, Greg's my... Best friend, I'm a little uncomfortable you

information out of me.

All right, fine.

Sorry.

Separate checks, please.

No, you can do it. I'm just saying I'm a little uncomfortable with it.

All right.

You didn't hear it from me.

But every few years, Greg and his dad... Yeah?

They go deep sea fishing.

No, they don't, Pete.

It's just a... cover for what they really do.

Oh, good.

I was starting to feel bad about ratting them out there.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hang on there, Mr. Cheesecake.

How about that one in a hat box? Yeah.

Yeah.

Kitty?

Oh, hi, Celia.

Mrs. Harmon, what are you doing here?

I just really need to talk to Kitty. Is she here? Nope.

I don't see her, and you don't see me. Bye -bye.

Last year, Celia and I had the pool redone.

All new tile.

Hi, Miguel.

I haven't seen you in a while.

¿Cómo estás?

Bien, gracias.

These are our friends, the Guzmán. Hello.

This is our neighbor, Dharma. She's looking for her dog, but if it's not

we'll keep our eyes open for her. Bye -bye, dear. Julia.

Miguel, why don't you show our guests your cigar collection in the den? In the

den? The dark room with the wood.

Ah, yeah.

I cannot tell you.

Hey, I need to find out where Greg really is, and I'm hoping that if I can

to Kitty, I can figure it out.

Mrs. Montgomery doesn't know anything, and she must never know.

What do you mean?

This is how it works.

The men say they're going fishing, but they're really going to Las Vegas for

girly shows.

They're in Vegas?

Yes, and Mrs. Montgomery uses that time to sneak off and get a little tuck.

It's her bottom.

Really? Yes, but it's Mrs. Montgomery Newton.

They were in Vegas looking at boom, boom, boom. She might have a problem.

And no trip for them, no trip for her. Miguel and I wouldn't have our poolside

vacation.

Mi amor,

I forget.

It's a remodel.

Where is the den? Upstairs or downstairs?

Momentito, mi amor.

Do we have an understanding here?

I promise to keep my dog in the yard from now on.

It was very nice to meet you.

Celia and Miguel are such great neighbors.

We were so happy when they bought the house from the Montgomery's. Talk about

knobs, right? Bye -bye.

Hey, Larry.

Do me a favor.

Sit on this couch and see if any fog sticks to your pants. Your Bobby hates

that. I already cleaned the couch, Larry.

I know, sweetie.

It looks great.

I need to ask you a question.

It turns out Greg didn't go fishing.

Oh, well, that's good news.

How do you think Abby would feel about him being in Vegas checking out topless

shows? Well, this is a tricky one.

She might see it as the exploitation of women's bodies by men. On the other

hand, it could be women empowering themselves by taking control of their

sexuality. Right.

So which way do you think she'd go on it? Not a clue.

But either way, she's going to feel very strongly about it.

Thanks, Larry.

Boy, I can't believe they went to Vegas and they didn't invite me.

I thought we were friends.

I should say something about it. No, no, no, don't do that.

Um, because it's just Edward. Edward and Greg are a little embarrassed about

what they do there.

Strippers. I've seen strippers.

Yeah, but they're not regular strippers.

No, Edward has a, um... Edward has a thing.

What kind of thing?

He likes them heavy.

What? Yeah, heavy and Slavic and... You know?

There's a little thing going on here.

Whoa, Vegas has changed.

I'm done in the kitchen, Larry, if you'd like to check my work. Oh, sweetie, the

place looks terrific.

Ma's gonna love it.

I'll take one quick look.

Hey, Abby, great news. It turns out Greg is not fishing.

Oh? No, that's just a cover for Kitty's benefit.

Oh. Yeah, what they really do is he and Edward go to Las Vegas.

Oh. Vegas, why on earth do they go to Las Vegas? They go to see...

a doctor.

For Edward.

Specialist.

tell Kitty?

It does.

Edward is a little self -conscious about it.

It's in a delicate area.

Is it, of course. Yeah.

I think that was my favorite show so far. It had everything.

Magicians, topless women. How funny was it when that orangutan gave you the

finger?

Every time we go, Dad.

Hello? Hi, honey.

Oh, Dharma, hi.

Hey, Dharma.

You wouldn't believe the fish we've been catching from the ocean.

Greg, listen, I know you're in Las Vegas.

Oh, look, Dad, a bar.

Oh, son of a gun.

Honey, how did you find out?

Doesn't matter. Now listen, Abby changed Harry's birthday party till Sunday

night so you can make it. So she's changed her mind about the fishing?

Well, you're not fishing.

Unless you talk to Kitty. But when you talk to Abby, you're in Vegas seeing a

doctor for Edward who's getting his annual colonoscopy, which he doesn't

Kitty to know about, so he needs you there to lean on.

Emotionally, not while they're doing it.

And when you talk to Larry, you're in Las Vegas seeing girly shows, but only

ones featuring large Slavic women.

You might want to think up some show titles because all I could come up with

the moth cow.

So we've changed our mind about the lying thing?

I'm just trying to cover your ass, Greg.

And your dad's. And your mom's. By the way, don't stare at your mom's.

I try not to. Okay, good. I love you. Bye.

Bye -bye.

Hey, look at this.

They got a naked lady ventriloquist.

I bet she does that just so you don't watch her mouth.

You're welcome.

Yeah.

Abby, I can't tell you how delighted I am you've reached some sort of a detente

with Gregory. Well, Kitty, I was acting a little silly, and I didn't realize how

much Edward needed the fishing expedition.

Far so good.

I guess.

Where's your grandmother?

She stopped back smoking and eating brisket.

My mom asked. She has a headache, and she went to lie down.

Hey, Ed.

Listen, Ed, I just want you to know I am totally cool with your not inviting me

on your fishing trip.

I mean, personally, I don't go for the big ones.

Oh, you don't know what you're missing. They are something to see.

Carching their back, their tails up in the air. There was one there that almost

broke the pole.

You're really into that. Oh, there's nothing like wrestling a really big one.

I worked up a sweat with a 300 -pounder for an hour and a half.

You wrestle them?

It really gets the blood pumping.

Hey, just thinking about it makes me a little queasy. Oh, yeah. I used to get

sick, too. First couple of times, I actually threw up all over the guy next

me. Really? Yeah.

You're telling me.

Edward, how are you feeling?

Ah, better and better.

I wanted to tell you that I know about you and Gregory and the trip to Las

Vegas. You do?

Don't worry. I've not told a soul, and I would never tell Kitty. But I wanted

you to know that I think it's terrific, and I think it's something every man

should do.

Really? I've been trying to get Larry to do it. Well, he should. I'm telling

you, it's four days he'll never forget.

Four days?

Well, there's a lot to see down there. Dad, I think Larry really needs that

drink.

He's on medication for the pain. Yeah.

This is never going to work.

Relax.

Hey, Ed.

Sorry, I can ask you another question about your little trip.

Hey, oh, look, more presents.

Oh, good.

All right, take a seat, everybody.

Or stand, if you'd feel more comfortable.

What is that supposed to mean?

I said nothing about the work you had done in your... Bag jar?

Holy kitty, what if you had done to it? Oh, she's always having someone work on

it, moving things around back there. Frankly, it's more trouble than it's

I'd just as soon cement the whole thing over and play tennis on it.

So this is it? You want us to spend the rest of our lives keeping all this up?

That's the plan. Okay, but again, for the record, if we had just told your

mother... Yeah, yeah, blah, blah.

Have some cake.

Where... have you been?

I took your mother to the airport.

Her plan's not for two days.

She kept saying she wanted to get there early.