Original subtitles

And this is five.

Five ducks.

Whoa, what are you doing?

Class cards and teaching him numbers.

Yeah, then after that, I'm going to teach him to deal poker from the bottom

the deck.

Abby, look what you're doing here. You're locking him into the concept that

is two and this is three. You're putting his little mind in a straitjacket.

Larry, counting is a natural human activity.

I'm counting to ten right now.

Next thing, you'll be singing them the ABCs like letters have to come in some

official order, like G is better than H because it comes first. Wait.

Yeah, G.

And you guys, look at this. This nut is taking a bath in the fountain in front

of City Hall. Look, he's got a shower cap and a loofah. Oh, wow, Terry's back

town.

You know this guy? Yeah, he's a performance artist.

We used to do pieces together all the time.

Well, this isn't art. This is hygiene.

Oh, no, this is his art. Like last year in Berlin, he lined up 500 pairs of

shoes in front of the Brandenburg Gate and tried them all on.

The piece was called, do these come in a nine?

I'm sorry, I called him a nut.

Thank you. Thank you for bailing me out.

You know, being in jail is just, it's just changed how I look at everything.

He was in jail for three hours. Yeah.

Yeah, and it was hell.

Jail is like, like some kind of cage.

Oh, remember in Minneapolis when you built that giant cage and you ran on the

big hamster wheel?

Yeah, yeah. You should do that again. No, no, no, Darman. I'm trying to focus

my new series right now. Right now I'm trying to focus on private acts and

public places.

You were always the last kid picked for dodgeball, weren't you?

It's okay, Dharma. He just doesn't get it.

Look. Look at those mirrors.

See, I'm going to shave, nick myself, and then put a little piece of toilet

paper on it.

Why? No, honey, don't ask why. No, no, no. In this piece, I want people to ask

why. Well, look at that. Good for you, honey.

Oh, look, shrunken applehead dolls.

It's like I want them to ask, why is this man shaving in public? Does he have

home? Does he know where he is? Does his beard grow at some superhuman speed?

Wow. You know, Terry, your work has really evolved.

I know.

It's amazing, isn't it? Yeah.

Mama, listen.

Next week I'm going to do this piece where I live in an art gallery for seven

days on display 24 hours a day.

Why? Very good.

Do it with me.

What, live at the art gallery with you? Yeah, yeah. Two people living in a

cramped space, irritated, fighting, picking at each other, getting on each

other's nerves. Oh, wow. That sounds like so much fun.

Doesn't it? Hey, look at this.

Wouldn't this look great in my parents' lake house? It's grotesque.

I love it. I'll be right back.

Ah!

Yeah.

You sure you're okay with this? Sure. You know, it looks great. You've got

bunk beds and your table and your big window to the street and the...

People out there gawking at you. It really opens the space up.

Wow, we have gawkers already.

Ah, it's exciting. Can you feel it? Hey, you ready?

Yeah, totally.

Just unpacking and getting settled, and Greg's trying to talk me out of it in a

really sweet, kind of lame, passive -aggressive way.

Oh, did anyone hear it?

Oh, I don't think so.

Oh, do you think you can get him to do it again?

Oh, I don't think he's anywhere near through.

I'm sorry, can you just... Help me try to understand why you're doing this.

You mean besides the chance to participate in something amazing? Yeah,

that.

Honey, after the car accident, I started thinking about my life and how much

I've changed, and now I stopped doing the stuff that's me.

And this is you?

Well, it used to be. I mean, how long has it been since I've gone trick -or

-treating in April or tried to get a job as a translator at the International

House of Pancakes?

I guess it's too long. I know, and I miss it.

Okay, well, then you should live in an art gallery and let the pancake gig come

through. I can say boysenberry in 26 languages. Try me. No, I believe you.

Listen, I gotta get to work. Okay, I love you.

Come on. What kind of kiss is that? Oh, come on.

Come on.

I'm sorry.

I just can't.

So he's really okay with this, huh? Well, he's trying. But watch. He's going

think of something else to say to me about it, turn around, and then change

mind. Watch.

That was really good. I know. I could do it all day long, but there's no money

in it.

Hi, guys. Sorry I'm late. Let me just change my clothes, and we'll go for a

walk. Already had one.

They got away from me a couple of times. These are them, right?

You want a beer?

I guess.

Well, where's Abby?

Well, I don't know where she is now. She was on my back all day.

Oh, sorry. Looks like I got the last one.

Split it? Oh, no. Thank you.

Did you and Abby have a fight? She threw me out.

I gave the baby two bites of my beef burrito. Suddenly, I'm Satan.

Meanwhile, she's indoctrinating the kid in the world of numbers. The linchpin of

consumer -driven material excess.

So she's upset that you gave him meat.

You're not hearing my side of this at all, are you?

Larry?

You do know Dharma's staying at the art gallery.

I know. That's why I figured it'd be cool to crash here until Hurricane Abby

blows out to sea.

Anyway, I don't... want to impose, I'll just sleep on Dharma's side of the bed.

You won't even know I'm here.

Larry, you're sleeping on the couch.

I wish.

But this is really happening.

Hey, Dharma.

How's it going?

Great. We have this huge crowd. and I clipped my toenails.

Always a lunchtime favorite.

We have a little problem.

Your parents had a fight and your dad spent the night at our place and he

doesn't wear pajamas and he, that, everywhere.

Honey, you know what?

He probably came over because he needs a shoulder to cry on. Did you try

comforting him?

Yeah, well, he did, uh...

Spoon me for a moment until I woke up and tried to peel my own skin off. Does

that count?

He slept in the bed with you?

He claims that he got up from the couch to go to the bathroom and got

disoriented on his way back.

Dormer, can you give me a hand with this? Sure.

Amazing taste, isn't it?

Uh -huh.

Maybe you could take a little break and go and deal with Larry.

Oh, honey, I can't just leave. It'll violate the integrity of the peace.

Oh, what am I supposed to do?

Honey, you know what? Abby and Larry get in these fights all the time and it

always blows over.

And in the meantime, just lay down some towels.

But they're brand new towels. They're Egyptian cotton.

No, he wasn't here yesterday.

i'm not part of this i'm not comfortable when they talk to you i think you

represent the repressed dark side of the human psyche yes i do hello

I should have knocked when you said, in here, Greg.

You should have seen your face.

You were so surprised.

Yeah, well, I guess I just didn't expect to see my in -laws having sex on my

butcher block.

Well, Larry told me how picky you are about the bed, Greg, and we wanted to

respect that.

Thank you, Abby. I'm just glad that you made up. Oh, no.

We haven't made up.

She's still just as mad at me.

Maybe more.

But Larry and I keep our physical and emotional relationships separate.

We're not about to punish our bodies for a fight our minds are having.

We're animals, Greg, and we need sexual release. I mean, I can do it by myself.

I get it, I get it. You're still having a fight.

Okay, well, I know you probably want to make yourself some dinner, so we'll go

finish in the bedroom.

I thought we were finished.

Was I speaking to you?

Amazing piece, isn't it?

You see that angry guy?

That's a husband.

This is going to be great.

Why can't anybody in your family keep their clothes on? It's not that hard.

I saw your parents having sex.

Oh, did they make up? Or were they just servicing their bodies?

Either way, the point is I now have no place to chop vegetables. Donald, please

come home. This is absurd.

Excuse me. Can you make it clear that you're talking about a marital issue?

Because when you say this is absurd, it sounds like you're talking about the

piece. and I think the guy in the tweed is the art critic from the Chronicle.

I'm sorry if I was unclear.

This piece is absurd.

Yes, it is, because life is absurd, and art reflects life.

Frank, you said you were going to be supportive of me doing the things that I

love. I am, but Larry is driving me crazy. Yeah, but how do you know I want

do this, and I don't want to stop just because you're uncomfortable looking at

my father's tushies? First of all, I...

Am not looking at it. And secondly, please come home and deal with it. It's

important. Because when do you get to be the one who decides what's important?

I don't know. Since you decided to run off and live in an art gallery?

Look, you knew who I was when you married me.

Okay, you didn't. But now you do.

Okay, all right. So that's the way it's going to be. You get to do whatever you

want. I have no say in Abby and Larry have sex on our butcher block. Well, at

least my parents have sex.

And leave my parents out of it. All I'm saying is maybe you wouldn't be so

uptight if Kitty and Edward Montgomery had used the butcher block from time to

time. Okay, all right, all right.

All right, if that's what you have to do is stay here, then maybe I have to go

and figure out what I have to do. What's that supposed to mean? It's art. It's

open to interpretation.

Come on, Greg, you can talk to me.

I'm not just your father -in -law. I'm your friend. Listen, I just think that

we... Hang on.

That should do it.

All I want to say is, I know you're upset with Dharma, but I got to tell

you've really been short -tempered lately.

Is there anything going on at work or at home?

Well, you're living here.

Exactly. That's got to be stressful.

That's the kind of thing that would make you snap at Dharma.

So you agree.

That your living here might exacerbate the problems I'm having with Dharma?

Sure.

You'd have to be some kind of a superman not to have that affect you.

So you're saying that if you moved out, it might make it easier for me to handle

this? It stands to reason.

And don't be too big a man to say to Dharma, Hey, I blew a fuse.

I got this guy living with me. He's driving me crazy. He set fire to my

He broke my garbage disposal.

You what?

You know, you're right. Don't bogger down on specifics.

Just say, honey, maybe I overreacted because I'm under stress, but I love

Larry, flare up.

Hang on.

I'm going to bed.

Right behind you.

Just watch him tow that guy's car over there.

Listen, when that review comes out tomorrow, if it's a good one, then how

it not be?

This piece could be extended maybe for a month.

Terry, I don't know if I can do a month.

Because of him?

I prefer it when you call Greg that guy because he calls you him and it gets

confusing.

What do you want to do? Well, obviously this.

I mean, today when I woke up, I had a string of spit hanging from my mouth,

that's when that school group was here. And those kids are now going to grow up

to appreciate art.

That's beautiful.

Terry, don't you think in a relationship you have to make compromises?

Absolutely. So you should tell that guy he's being unreasonable.

They're talking about me.

Terry, I think I have to go home.

No, no, no, no, Dharma. Dharma, you can't leave. It's going to ruin

All right, look, here's the thing, Terry.

I don't know if my marriage is at risk here, but I don't really want to find

out. But if you compromise the essence of who you are, Dharma, who is it that

Greg gets? Not the Dharma he fell in love with.

Yeah, but if I do stay true to myself and I am the woman he fell in love with,

then how do we stay together?

Okay, okay, we totally have to stop talking now and start again later when

gallery opens because this is brilliant.

This is my life we're talking about. This is my marriage.

Hey,

hey, look at this.

Dharma's little art thing is reviewed in the paper.

Two people living in an art gallery is nothing more and nothing less.

Well, that should have them popping the champagne.

Actually, the fella seems to like it.

Oh. Oh, look at this.

They mention us.

They do?

Then the argument got more heated. The woman suggested her husband wouldn't be

so uptight if, quote, Edward and Kitty Montgomery had... Edward and

Kitty Montgomery had what? Oh, that was it.

Oh, you're an Aquarius, aren't you? It travels in your future.

Let me see the paper.

All right, all right, all right.

You've changed your hair. It's lovely.

Well, I have never been so humiliated in my entire life. What about the time at

the governor's mansion when you tucked the back of your dress into your

pantyhose?

Or the O'Shaughnessy cocktail party when you sneezed and white Russian came out

of your nose?

You have made your point.

And I had a good time doing it.

I'm home. Please cover your bathing suit areas.

Hey, look who I ran into at the discount meat warehouse.

I thought you said you were going to go take a deposition.

That's just what you say. Like, you know, I'm going to go see a man about a

horse.

Anyway, we pooled our money and we got the butcher's bonanza.

You get six different cuts of steak.

Three different roasts and assorted pork products.

Larry, did you talk to Abby today?

No. Why? What's going on?

I'm going to go hang this up.

Careful when you open the closet. The paint's still wet.

Thank you, Larry.

Lookie, lookie, lookie. Fat bacon.

Oh, hi, Dad. What's up?

Your mother wants you out of the will.

Oh, no, they printed the butcher block thing.

Let the record show I gave you hell about it.

Son, if you don't mind, I'm going to cool my heels here for a while till your

mother's tranquilizers kick in.

Sure.

Is that steaks I smell?

It's either that or the sofa.

Hey, Ed, what can we get you?

Have you got a New York strip in there?

Oh, excellent choice.

Look at the marbling on that. This came from one lazy cow.

You know, Kitty's been talking to my doctor. The closest thing I get to a

these days is some kind of Salisbury turkey patty.

I'd kill for that. The closest thing I get to steak is a lima bean.

Yeah, I'm sure that mother's just concerned about your health.

Oh, you know, they say it's about your health, but it's all about control.

That's why I left Jane.

Jane threw you out and changed the locks.

To control me.

They tell you what to eat, what to do, what to wear. You'd think a grown man

would be able to dress himself.

Tell me about it.

You line up the buttons wrong just one time, and they make you stand there

they do it for you.

Is it possible they're just trying to keep you from looking ridiculous?

The point is, son, is that if you're doing something, they don't understand

they don't like it, they squash it like a bug. Yeah, like how Abby wouldn't let

me raise ostriches.

Larry, it's a pretty risky investment. They're large, they're hard to care for.

Wow. Put on a peasant dress and some patchouli, and you're Abby.

Yeah, what? You gonna make us turn off the game so we can look at some fabric

swatches?

You know what? I gotta go.

Son, the boys are just teasing you about your womanly attitude.

I know, Dad. This is something I gotta do.

You gonna raise those ostriches for meat?

No. I was gonna train monkeys to ride them. I saw it in a cartoon.

Nice.

Hello, Greg.

Terry, can you give us a minute?

Can I give you a minute?

What, Greg, do I own time?

First time I ask with words.

Bathroom break.

Listen, I've had a chance to think about this, and I don't understand what

you're doing, and I wish you weren't doing it, and it is an inconvenience for

me, but the bigger thing is, I miss you very much.

And more than anything, I don't want to turn into our mothers.

Oh, that started off really sweet and then it got kind of weird at the end.

The thing is, I shouldn't stop you from doing things just because I don't

understand them. I should accept that they're important to you, whatever they

are. Whether it's living in a gallery or raising ostriches or raising ostriches

in an art gallery.

The point is, you have to do this and I have to deal with it. And then there'll

be the next thing you'll have to do and I'll deal with that too. Yeah, and then

you'll do things that I don't understand and I'll have to deal with them.

No, I won't. No, you won't.

Oh, yeah?

Check this out.

I guess I can deal with Larry until

Saturday. Yeah, actually, honey, the piece is extended for a month.

Okay. I'll be back tonight with a pair of pajamas, some clean clothes, and, uh,

drapes.

Hey, honey, honey, bring her electric nose hair clippers. They'll love that.

Morning.

Morning.

I'll make coffee. Okay.

Morning.

Morning. Do you mind if I, uh... Get in the shower first. I have to be at the

office by nine. Sure.

I don't get it.

It's art, Edward Montgomery.

Now come along home. We're going to have sex as we do on a regular basis.