Original subtitles

Where are my pajama bottoms?

On me.

I got cold.

You took my pants off?

You take my pants off all the time.

Yeah, when you're awake.

Hey, um, if you go make some coffee, I might let you get in your pants.

It's a great day, huh?

Farmer, there's a person out here.

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm September.

Hi. Hi.

I'm Grace.

September?

Hi.

Oh,

honey. This is September.

We grew up on the commune together.

Isn't that nice?

So I thought you were going to be here on Friday.

Oh, well, you know how it goes. I stopped and talked to some migrant

And before you know it, I was picking squash and ragging on Al Hefe. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, I really should go put some pants on.

He's not putting on pants because of me. No, no, no. He's a lawyer. He has to

wear them for work.

Oh.

Hey, honey. Hey.

Something out there smells like whatever's in here.

September's cooking.

Is she cooking tires?

I heard that.

Oh, this would be an awkward moment if you hadn't already seen me with my pants

off.

Boy, Dorma, I never thought you'd live someplace with a microwave, a Cuisinart,

and a lawyer.

Actually, the microwave and the Cuisinart came with the lawyer. It was a

The astronaut came with boots and a helmet.

I don't get it.

Honey, we're going to go to Abby and Larry's for a macrobiotic potluck

September only eats food from the local ecosystem.

Oh.

Right on.

Everything in this salad was harvested from within a 10 -mile radius.

Here, try some.

Oh,

that's not bad.

And most of the greens I found growing right in the cracks in the sidewalks

right in front of your building.

You know, I step on those weeds every day and never even thought I've eaten

them.

What are the, um, what are the crunchy things?

You know, I never know what to call them. Are they pill bugs or are they

-poly?

They're pine nuts, Greg, and you had that coming. I thought you were allergic

pine nuts.

I am. They're bugs.

Did I just eat bugs?

No, of course not. I'm just kidding.

Oh, my casserole is burning.

What was it doing before?

Is she staying long? Honey, I haven't seen her in 15 years. The least we could

do is let her make fun of you.

Sure.

What are you doing with all this stuff?

I'm giving it away.

Why? Because my life's gotten too cluttered.

Everything September owns fits in one backpack.

Well, she eats weeds.

So, you eat bugs.

No, you know, you gotta be careful, you know? You stop owning things and they

start owning you. Don't worry, I'm not gonna give away any of your stuff. I

you can't live without your things.

Hold on, what things can't I live without?

All of your little electronic buddies.

The TV, your computer, your electronic...

Shaving cream warmer?

I have a coarse beard. The heat softens it.

Okay, we should get going, guys, because once this stuff separates, there's no

getting it back together again.

You know, if you don't mind, maybe I'll just, you know, stay here and watch some

football. On your best friend, Mr. TV? Let's not start judging each other's

friends here.

Hey, look what I found.

Oh, doesn't that bring back memories?

Boy, you'd think it would.

Oh, yeah, that was on Halloween when we dressed up like endangered baby harp

seals. Then we went trick -or -treating at all the fur stores.

You know, when I worked with Greenpeace, I wound up living with harp seals.

Oh, wow, really?

Yeah, we had stopped these hunters, but there was these two baby seals, and they

had imprinted on me, and so I had to stay until they were weaned.

Wow.

Dermot hand -fed a baby bird that fell out of a nest once.

It died.

All of that, we're out of tea.

Oh, hey, while I'm up, does anyone want any dessert? Abby made a flourless

organic carrot cake.

Oh, do we know how far away those carrots were grown?

No, no, you're right, we don't.

You know what? I'll go see if the crab apples are ripe.

So did I tell you I ran into Treehouse Bob from the commune when I was in Costa

Rica? No kidding.

Treehouse Bob McCluskey or Treehouse Bob Dawson?

Oh, wow, what a shame. Those crab apples are not ripe.

Oh, we have figs. Oh, good, figs.

Aren't you proud of September, Dharma?

You know, it's so easy to drift away from her ideals.

She's really stayed the course.

Three hunger strikes in one year.

It's not such a big deal. She's a really picky eater.

Let me try again.

Dharma, you should have brought your video camera.

If I had known there was going to be fig juggling, I would have.

And that's how Fig Newton discovered gravity.

All right, it's getting late September.

Actually, it's mid -October.

No, this is fun. We should go, because I'm getting a little tired.

Really? I'm not. I guess I'm still on Amsterdam time.

You and me both.

You know what, honey? You could just stay here.

You could use Darm's old room.

Oh, really?

That would be great, if that's okay with you.

Oh, it's more than okay.

Actually, it was my idea. I was going to say that before I got hit with the fig.

So I'll just call you, and then we'll get some coffee in the morning?

Well, only if we wake up in Brazil.

I was so joking.

And then she led us all in a song that Nelson Mandela taught her.

Nelson Mandela? Really?

I'm sorry, but Nelson Mandela... Oh, you're right. She's incredible.

Did I tell you she weaned seals?

So, you saved that baby bird.

Sure.

How much... You're every bit as good a person as September is.

Yeah, I am every bit as good as she is.

I just need to fundamentally change the way I live.

How?

Well, for example, I know there's this cave you can live in for five months out

of the year. I don't want to live in a cave.

What's your suggestion?

Well, if you really want to simplify, I'm thinking that maybe there was

something to what you were saying about the television, and maybe it wouldn't be

the worst idea to think about giving it away.

Go roll it down to the curb, and then it'll be gone by morning.

I was thinking after the Super Bowl.

What you watching?

Streets of San Francisco.

Hey, I know that bar.

I was in that bar the night you were born.

Where's Dharma?

She's out pricing beehives.

She wants to turn our electricity off and make our own candles.

Is this normal for her, or has the pimento slipped out of the olives?

I think I should say something, or... Should I just be supportive and let this

play out?

Listen, son.

Sometimes in a marriage, a husband doesn't have a very clear understanding

what's going on.

Uh -huh.

That's it.

Drink?

I'll teach you something.

Oh, Dharma, beautiful.

I was just out communing with nature, you know, reconnecting with Mother

You know me.

And I saw these flowers. They were so beautiful, and I thought of you. Oh,

Dharma.

Honey, these are golden poppies. Oh, really? Yeah, they're so pretty.

No, we don't pick golden poppies, honey. They're protected.

Apparently not very well.

You know what?

We'll put them in the compost, and it can be our gift back to Mother Earth.

Good.

Where's September?

Oh, she's awesome. Where was your father?

Boy, they have been absolutely inseparable. She stayed up all night

listening to him sing his Watergate rock opera.

All five hours?

Yeah.

Oh.

I never made it past, I suppose so, Bebe Rebozo.

Hey. Hi.

Hi. What you got there?

Oh, some camping stuff for Larry.

Because he's a big baby and he's afraid of a little rain.

I sleep on my back and I'm a mouth breather. I could drown.

You guys going camping?

Oh, yeah.

You know that winter solstice trip your mother and I always take to the desert?

Yeah. Well, I figured I'd have to miss it this year because of the baby.

But September wants to go.

Oh,

I would have gone with you.

Well, Pumpkin, you can come too.

We'll just have to get another one of these.

What is that?

I don't know, but we only have two.

Okay, let's try to set this stuff up.

Right. We're going to spend the night in the backyard and test it out. Don't

bring us any food. We're going to live off the land.

They're going to sleep together out there in the backyard in the tent?

I guess so.

And you're fine with that?

What could be the problem?

Oh, my God.

Larry, did you turn off the sprinklers?

There you are.

I was just catching up on some news.

From what I hear, the castaways never get off the island.

What are you doing here?

You needed to talk and you weren't at home.

What's wrong?

September has the hots for my dad.

You mean like hot for sex?

Yes, hot. I'm sharing a pup tent.

I don't know that expression.

Small tent used for camping and they're sharing it tonight.

In the backyard.

That doesn't mean that they're having sex. That just means that they're really

weird.

Gregory, Celia has informed me we don't own TV trays. However, if you would

like, we can take a tray from the tea service and put it on a luggage stand.

Never mind, Mother. Can you give us a minute?

Oh, all right.

Honey, I'm telling you, my friend is trying to seduce my father.

He gives him massages, he braided his ponytail, and then when he talks... She

gets this lovesick, dreamy look in her eyes.

I'm sorry. This is Larry that we're speaking of?

Sarma, September hasn't seen your parents in a long time. They're kindred

spirits. She obviously likes your dad, but not in that way.

Oh, I don't know. I think Dom is right to be suspicious.

Mother. Gregory, you do not see what I see.

Come to a country club luncheon, count the number of men there with women one

-third their age. It is a national epidemic, and you cannot raise money to

it.

You're not helping, Mother.

It is everywhere, Gregory, for heaven's sake. Look, look, the gentleman with the

ascot being tempted by that young tart, wearing a sequined cocktail dress in the

middle of the day.

That's all she brought on the boat.

Kitty, what do you think I should do?

Oh? I could give you the name of a private detective that I have used from

to time. He's very discreet.

Mother, she doesn't need to hire a private detective.

Yeah. It's not like I don't know what they're doing. Oh, darling, you don't

what they're doing.

What is he talking about?

The woman has a trunk full of clothes.

Wow, it sure is warm on our camping trip in the desert.

Not for long.

Am I interrupting something?

Oh, no. We're just playing with our pants.

I should put the goat in the pen if we're going to be sleeping in the

Yeah, I'll be right out.

Yeah, I wouldn't want that goat to ruin your little camp out.

No, no, we wouldn't. Because three's a crowd, right?

Yeah, I guess.

I mean, when one of them's a goat.

Okay, I'm not good at being all, ah, and woo, so I'm just going to say it.

Are you sleeping with Larry?

What?

No. How could you even think that? The massages, the camping, the detachable

pants. And I love my father, but no one sits through his whole Watergate opera.

Okay. I guess I could see how you thought that.

No. No, Dharma.

Okay.

Here's the deal.

I've never known who my father was. And I didn't really care.

But when my mom died, it felt really weird being all alone. So I went through

her letters and stuff, and I narrowed it down to five guys that she might have

had a relationship with.

Do you think Larry might be your father?

Maybe.

Wow!

But the thing is, is I didn't want to disrupt anybody's life, so I just, I

figured I would hang out with each one of them, and that way I'd know that

somewhere in there, I spent time with my dad.

Okay!

The tent is up!

No, no, false alarm!

He's such a goofball.

I know.

Oh, I should have told you before.

Okay. Oh, damn.

I'm going to go give him a hand. Okay.

Okay.

The Dow Industrial is down about 12 and a half.

Well, you're right. They're not having an affair.

Well, I'm not going to say I told you so, but I am going to make the face.

That must have been in there for months.

You know, she was acting really weird because she thinks Larry might be her

father.

Could he be?

No. Look, I went through Abby's picture drawer and I found this. It's their

first day on the commune, right?

There's Abby holding me. There's Larry.

With hair.

No, he was combing it over. It was a swoop -doo.

And that's September's mom.

She's already pregnant, and that's the day she met Larry.

Did you show her this?

Oh, not yet.

She and Larry are having a sleepover. It seemed like the right time.

And I got to say, you kind of lucked out here.

What do you mean?

Well, this way you won't have to spend the rest of your life, you know,

competing with a perfect sister who's out to save the world, and we can have a

TV again.

You didn't give away the TV to compete with her. Yes, you did.

Well, obviously, but don't make the face. Let me out.

Thurma? Hi.

Hey.

You didn't say goodbye.

Are we okay?

Oh, yeah. No, yeah, no, no, no, no. We're fine.

Well, listen, I'm going to split tonight.

Why?

I didn't want to screw up anybody's family, and I kind of feel that I am.

you're not.

No, I am.

I just was having so much fun with Larry.

Listen. And he was the last guy on my list, and he's the only guy I really

I hope he's my dad.

I hope he

is, too.

So I'll see you in a couple months, right?

Really? What for?

For the camping trip.

Larry always gets us lost in the middle of the desert. You're the only one who

knows how to make a meal out of twigs and dirt.

So where are you off to?

Oh, Martin Sheen is going to chain himself to something this weekend, so

going to help out.

Bye.

Hey, there weren't really bugs in the salad, were there?

Who would put bugs in a salad?

You did a very nice thing there.

Yeah.

You want to go get yourself a new TV, don't you? Oh, yeah.

Do you want to talk?

No, no, go.