Original subtitles

Arrgh, matey, guess what this is?

Some kind of pirate radio setup.

Arrgh, matey, you gave it away, huh?

Hey, Greg, guess what this is?

I have no idea.

It's a complete two -watt radio station.

Yeah, we thought this would be fun for Dharma to play with while she was

recuperating. Sure helped me through the summer of 82 when I couldn't leave the

house.

Remember that, Dharma?

Sure. The air was too thick and the ground was too soft.

Oh.

Sure. 82?

Hey, you want to do a radio show with me? We could be the D -Star and the G

on the big rock and weasel.

I don't think so, Dharma.

Oh, that kind of attitude is going to ruin Rocktober, G -Man.

You guys realize this is against the law? You have to have a license from the

FCC to broadcast.

Oh, this is pretty small time, Greg.

But, Dharma, if you do get caught, don't panic and try to flush the equipment.

First of all, that was an illegal cable box, and I was trying to hide it behind

the toilet. It fell in.

Okay, then when it dried out, we got showtime.

You're listening to Radio Dharma. I'll Dharma all the time. You give me 22

minutes, I'll give you the Dharma!

Radio Dharma!

Oh,

morning, Greg.

Morning, Marcy.

I'm a wacky sidekick.

Oh, I see. You guys really think anybody's listening? Oh, yeah. Tons of

We checked. You could pick us up all the way down to the laundromat.

That's right. It's the all -rappin', all -rockin' mega music station where you

get weather on the half -hour, traffic on the ones, and continuous hit music,

music, music.

I'm gonna get some coffee, coffee, coffee.

All right.

And back to our contest question.

Would you rather be hit on the fire or have a... sit on your...

Again, our number is 857 -23...

Please turn down your radio.

Hi, this is Dave. I love your show. I'm a long -time listener, first -time

caller. What?

Could you play some Springsteen? Oh, you know what, Dave? I would love to, but

we only have the reel -to -reel hooked up, so our selection is limited.

Abby and Dorma sing Wheels on the Bus.

Oh, check this out.

The tape of my father's band rehearsing. I never knew he recorded anything.

Dead air, dead air, it's dead, dead air.

Moody Blues, recorded off the Mike Douglas show, August 5th, 1972.

Wow, 72?

That's when Peter Frampton was with the Moody Blues. Let's hear that.

Coming right up. Peter Frampton never sang with the Moody Blues.

He sure did, dude.

You're out of your mind.

The opinions of my husband, Greg, do not necessarily reflect those of the

station, the management, or my wacky sidekick.

Okay, 1972, Moody Blues, 7th Sojourn.

No Peter Frampton. Got the CD right here. The CD's not gonna...

They reissued it. Contractual reasons. Oh, that is a load of bull.

Greg, we are on the air.

All right, this is some very exciting radio people. Frampton or no Frampton,

be the judge. Here are the Moody Blues.

The wheels on the bus go round and round and round and round and round. The

wheels on the bus go round and round and round and round. Greg, we should go if

we're going to get 18 in. Hold on.

Yeah.

72 Moody Blues.

No Frampton.

Well, there you have it.

Hey, hold on. What is this? Wait, wait.

Oh, wow.

That's not mine. No, it's mine.

I've been looking for this for 20 years. You know, they don't make these

anymore. Well, that's just a damn shame.

Look at that.

Been rolled up in a ball all this time. Not a wrinkle.

in that box, Greg, there should be a pair of burnt orange hush puppies.

Oh!

I wonder what got into your mother there.

I can't imagine.

It's good. I know. It's our number one most requested song.

Really?

A guy called in and said, play it again.

That's really good.

You know, Larry always said he was a pretty good musician, but I never took

seriously, you know? I mean, he also said he was the Gerber baby and that

he taught a monkey to fish, so... You and I had very different childhoods,

didn't we?

He really was a good musician.

You gotta wonder what happened.

You know how it is. People get busy, they start a career.

No, that's not it. No, probably not.

Edward, where are you going?

Bob Gunderson's thinking about selling his boat. I thought I'd take a look.

And do we really think we want to present ourselves to the public in this?

We're comfortable in this.

Oh, Edward Montgomery.

You know, if I let you do things just because you're comfortable, why, you'd

spend your day sitting in a Lazy Boy recliner watching a large -screen

television sipping beer out of a can.

If I change my clothes, can I have a Lazy Boy?

Of course not.

I'll say hi to Bob Gunderson for you.

Oh, by the way, I'm not wearing underwear.

I don't know why I ever did.

Hello?

Uh, no, they turned off the radio station.

Because my wife had to go to physical therapy.

Yes, they can turn it off because it's not a real radio station.

Fine, write a letter. I'm not going to put a record on.

Actually, you know what?

There is a record I want to play.

Uh, okay.

Here are the Moody Blues from their album Seventh Sojourn on the original

which does not feature Mr. Peter Frampton, something known to anyone

tying his own shoes.

And I think you know who you are, and I think you owe me an apology.

Oh, why, thank you, ma 'am.

Would you mind saying that on the air?

Hold on.

Uh, go ahead.

Okay. I just wanted to say I was listening yesterday, and I really liked

you handled that guy.

Oh, well, he didn't do his homework.

We need people like you to drown out these other idiots who love to just run

their mouths.

I'm just one guy, but I do what I can. They're all a bunch of crackpots. Elvis

is alive.

Cigarettes cause lung cancer.

I see spaceship.

Wait, hold on there. I think it's pretty widely accepted that cigarettes do

cause lung cancer.

Says you.

Well, yes, in 40 years of research.

By doctors who are paid shills of the chewing gum industry.

Hold on. Uh, or don't.

Hello? Wow, what a wacko, huh?

Takes all kinds.

You want to talk about a conspiracy?

Let's talk about Major League Baseball juicing up the ball to get more home

runs. Well, how do you know it's the ball? Maybe they're just getting better

players. It's the same guys, only now they're hitting more home runs.

Look at the stats.

It's an interesting question.

Major League Baseball, are they juicing the ball?

What do you think? Give me a call.

And while we wait, here are the Moody Blues, who, being English, are probably

not baseball fans, but might enjoy rounders.

The English game from which baseball is derived.

Oh, wow. I used to love that song.

What was that?

Listen to that.

Your old man wrote that.

So, Larry, did you ever do gigs?

Did you ever get up on stage and yell, hello, San Francisco?

The buzzest I ever got was, hello, Shapiro Bar Mitzvah.

Oh, man, they did the 26 -minute free -form Hava Nagila.

The tough one to end.

You should have seen your father in those days, Dharma. He loved performing.

He would get on stage and just light up.

Once. And everyone did back then.

So why did you quit?

You know, music.

Let me explain something to you about the music business, Dharma. You can't

anywhere unless you're willing to sell your soul to corporate America for a

of magic beans, a handshake, and a one -way ticket to where are you now?

Bill.

Abby, why did he really stop?

Well, he was just starting out, and he knew he'd be on the road.

And you were on the way.

He gave it all up because of me?

No. Gave it all up for you.

How is that better? That is not better!

The running suit, Gregory.

The ugly, orange velour running suit. He was with you when he found it. And he

has not taken it off since.

So what do you think, people? Is Dad out of line or should Mother take a chill

pill? Our lines are open.

What? People? Who are you talking to, Gregory? Sorry, Mother, it's the top of

the hour. Gotta go.

Time for As I See It with Greg Montgomery.

This is San Francisco, folks, and it rains from time to time.

If you're a local television station, there's no need to send your weatherman

outside. We know what rain looks like.

Just tell us it's raining and do it from a regular desk, not from Action

Stormwatch Central.

And remember, folks, we've got 99 years to go.

Let's not be hasty in naming something the storm of the century.

Think about that while Mr. Leo Sayer makes you feel like dancing.

Nice.

Thank you.

Hey, check this out.

Every Monday night, it's open mic night at punctually 4th Street. Well, that's

great. I'll give him a plug on On the Town with Greg Montgomery.

Oh, I'm thinking a little father -daughter dinner with Larry.

Pull out the old guitar and then bing, bang, boom, he's back in the music

business.

How exactly is that going to happen?

I have no idea. That's why I said bing, bang, boom instead of something

specific.

Wow, that was good.

Promise you won't tell Abby I had meat.

That was eggplant, Larry.

Oh, man, I could have had meat.

They have an open mic thing going on here.

Cool. There is not one dessert here you could add meat to.

I signed you up.

To sing here? Yeah, I'm thinking you get back on stage, you know, work your

songs, get your chop back. Whoa, hang on.

I don't even have my guitar.

It's in the car. I'll go get it. No, stop. Wait.

Take a look at these people.

They don't want to hear from an old guy like me.

Larry, it's open mic night. Nobody wants to hear from any of these people.

Sorry. Rock on.

Dharma, I'm not going to sing. I haven't rehearsed.

I'm Logie from the eggplant.

Okay, fine.

You go practice, then you come back next week, do a couple Mondays, and then...

Dharma, I'm not going to play. Not now, not ever.

What? Why?

What's the point?

If you love music, you could be great, Larry. No, maybe once, but... Come on.

Dharma, let it go.

Why? Because I'm the father, and I said so.

Because I'm the father, and I said so?

Come on, Larry, you're kidding, right?

Dharma, I'm 52 years old, and I have other things to do with my life now.

fine. Larry?

Fine, you have your excuses. You always have your excuses.

Well, you know what? Don't use me as one of them.

Come on, Marcy.

Dharma!

Dharma!

For those of you who were with us yesterday, our legal puzzler, what

is a crime, a breach, and a tort? The answer is, of course, embezzlement.

And that sound tells us it's time to wrap up Greg's legal patch for today.

And now, side three of the rock opera, Quadrophenia.

What happened?

Her father didn't want to go on, and they had a big fight in the middle of

restaurant, and I didn't get to play Foggy Mountain Breakdown.

Her father gave up something he was really good at, and I want to help him

it back, and he won't let me.

Darma, are you sure you're doing this for him? Because it sounds more like

you're doing it for yourself.

Talk to me in your radio voice.

Look, you have no reason to feel guilty. Maybe he did quit because of you, but

it's not your fault. You didn't choose to be born.

In what universe did I not choose to be born?

Should have seen that coming.

Yeah.

Do you know the transmitter's unplugged?

What? We must have forgotten to... plug it back in after we're using the heating

pad.

Marcy, when was this?

Oh, yesterday.

So for an entire day I've been sitting here talking to myself.

But Greg, you were having fun and isn't that what really matters?

No, Marcy.

What really matters is that basically I was sitting in my bedroom talking into a

hairbrush on Hey Greg.

that my parents were still married and the whole family worked together and we

solved crimes.

Thank you, Marcy.

Somehow that actually makes me feel a little better.

Oh.

Larry, I'm really sorry about what happened.

I should never have called you a quitter.

I don't remember you calling me a quitter.

Well, not in so many words, but all that stuff I said about excuses, I shouldn't

have said that.

Okay, but you didn't call me a quitter. Yes, I did, Larry. The same thing. A

person who always has excuses is basically a quitter. Well, that's a

rough. Yes, and I shouldn't have said it. I understand in the heat of the

moment, but coming back and grinding on it?

what I'm trying to say is that if you stopped your music career because I was

born, then that's something that I should be proud of.

You know, I mean, how many other kids have a dad that would make a sacrifice

like that?

Dharma, let me tell you something.

Dear Mr.

Finkelstein, unfortunately, your submission to Elektra Records does

our needs at the present time.

It's a rejection letter.

One of many.

Not suitable.

Not interested.

Columbia House of Records and Tapes is not a recording company.

Wow.

I mean, people thought I quit music because of you.

And it was easy to let them think that, rather than to let them know what was

really going on.

So if someone had liked your stuff, you would have gone out on the road?

Oh, yeah, in a minute.

But then, I would have missed out on being there to see you grow up.

Yeah.

So that story just wasn't that good.

No, Larry, you can't base that off of one box of rejection letters.

I got five.

I really loved your song.

Maybe you were just ahead of your time.

You know, that's what they said about my spray -on gravy.

One thing about angels...

They ain't always right. We had a little baby girl.

Made from San Francisco light.

Called her Dharma.

Because the truth was plain to see.

The miracle of life.

One and one is three.

He played music. He talked about legal stuff. He had a total blast, didn't you,

honey? No, I did not.

Well, not now he didn't, but then he did.

Do your radio voice for them.

Can we just drop this, please?

Good. Smooth.

I say, if a man finds something that makes him happy, more power to him.

Would you like some more wine? Yeah.

Oh, sorry.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Problem.

It's 100 % synthetic.

It blots right up.

Like astroturf.

Oh, watch this.

And these are beasts. That is enough.

Edward, I have done everything that I could for you. I have stood by you in

thick and thin.

I have put aside my dreams for the two of us to build an empire.

I have endured the pain and humiliation of childbirth to bring your son into the

world.

Humiliation? Hold your questions to the end.

I will not spend the rest of my days on the fuzzy and stain -repellent arm of a

man who chooses to dress like a...

Rathroom Davenport.

Dad, maybe you should give up the running suit.

Son, I know your mother.

Eventually, she'll get used to it.

I guess.

And then I'll take it off.