Original subtitles

Oh, I guarantee you are going to have the time of your life.

There are a lot of young people there.

Very hip.

Very with it.

I don't know, Mother. A tulip festival?

I know what you're thinking, but forget everything you have ever heard about

tulip festivals.

Done.

Not just about flowers and pots. There's a tasting of Dutch wine and a charity

auction of wooden shoes decorated by local celebrities.

It's a wonderful, wonderful day.

It lasts the whole day?

Unless someone pulls a fire alarm.

Edward. So, we could take one car?

Oh.

Well, it sounds like fun, but unfortunately this Sunday

we're having lunch with...

An old college professor of mine.

And his wife.

Who are in town just for the day.

Well, all right.

You can come perhaps in the evening for the exhibition of the Dutch folk

dancing. Oh, Dharma, you would so enjoy that.

Well, yes, I would, but... We have tickets to a sick dog.

I'm sorry.

It's a play about a dog who's sick.

Who plays basketball.

And of course that's not it.

We have tickets to a basketball game and we just really hope our dogs don't get

sick so we can go.

Oh, for heaven's sake. I'm not an idiot.

I think she's on to you. I got this.

Nice going.

It's not my fault. This is dog sick and this is basketball game.

You didn't do that. You did this.

Let's pretend you're choking. I'll meet you in the kitchen.

Of course, we should have gone with that one. Well, it's too late now.

Where are you going? I'm going to go apologize to my mother.

Maybe I should do it. Okay.

You really shouldn't lie to your mother like that. I know. You're better off

waiting until the last minute than going in for emergency oral surgery.

Kitty, I'm sorry.

Oh, there's no need to apologize.

I can be the butt of a joke for you and Gregory, and it gives you pleasure. Why,

what mother wouldn't appreciate that?

No, no, Kitty, it just seemed like a joke because we got caught.

I don't understand why you couldn't just be honest with me. Because you hate

that, Kitty.

Come on, I'm really sorry.

Hey, how about this?

You and me.

Game of eight ball, you win, me and Greg go to the Tulip Festival.

Dom, I don't want to compel you and Gregory to do something you don't want

just because I've beaten you with some silly game.

No offense,

but I've been shooting sticks since Buddha was a Boy Scout. You ain't going

beat me.

Come on, I rack them, you crack them.

All right.

You and Sid?

Now, what possessed you to play pool with my mother?

Well, for one, I thought I was pretty good. And for two, I thought she was

mother, not Minnesota fat.

Well, whenever she gets her feelings hurt, she goes down to that billiards

to sulk. Well, what have you people been doing to her? Because she's incredible.

I know. And now we have to go to a tulip festival, thank you very much.

Not tulips, honey.

Dutch wine and celebrity shoes.

Great.

You've been nibbling on the bottom of this bread.

Oh, no, it's probably Dennis.

And Dennis would be?

A rat.

You know, I actually had a really great time playing pool with your mom.

What do you mean, rat?

What do you mean, what do I mean?

I don't know. Why didn't you tell me we had a rat? I'll set some traps. I told

you we had a rat. You'd set some traps. I know I can beat her at darts.

The thing ate our bread. We have to do something.

Why? You weren't going to eat it anyway. You always buy a baguette like we're

going to be French or something. You never eat it.

I'm not going to eat it now.

Did your mom play horseshoes?

No.

Probably not.

Last time she threw something at me, she missed by a mile.

Listen to me. I cannot live with a rat.

I understand.

You're upset.

Why don't you just sleep on it tonight, and if you still feel this way in the

morning, we'll move.

We're not going to move.

That's what I think's going to happen, but you should still sleep on it.

Kitty, don't you think it's a little suspicious that just as we leave for the

Tulip Festival, Edward suddenly needs oral surgery?

Oh, Edward will never lie to me.

He knows I check up on him.

It was nice of Gregory to drive him.

Yep. See, that's when it kind of got fishy for me.

I know you're here against your will, but thank you for coming. Hey, a bet's a

bet.

Plus, I gotta tell you, Kitty, I had a great time playing pool with you the

other night. I mean it.

No basketball tickets, no sick dogs.

Yes, it was fun, wasn't it? Yeah.

Hey, are you up for a game right now?

No.

Sure. I know a place near here that's got a great pool table and the best

fries you have ever had.

Probably the only curly fries you've ever had.

Oh, you're just trying to avoid going to the Tulip Festival, aren't you? Well,

yeah, I'd knock my own foot to get out of that.

Well, regardless, we are not playing pool.

I promise I'll let you win again.

Dumber, that won't work.

And you did not let me win.

Whatever you say.

Lucky.

Luck.

Did you let me win that one, too?

Didn't have to. You were lucky.

How about we make it interesting this time?

Oh, you want to play me for money? Oh, no, I never bring my money when I'm out

with you.

I want you to play them for money.

Oh, darling, that wouldn't be fair. I'm sure I'm much better than they are.

Let me explain something to you, Kit Kat.

Here you go, Dad.

Thank you. I don't get it.

Isn't the idea to just say you're going to the dentist?

Kitty checks.

And while we were there, it turned out he needed a root canal.

I'm lucky I went in.

He's lucky he went in.

Still, root canal can't be better than just going to the thing with Kitty.

Oh, it is. Much better.

How many traps did you buy?

I got a couple dozen.

You want to catch a rat before Dharma gets home, you got to go to DEFCON 5.

to need a little more bait here. Well, there's a baguette in the kitchen that

loves. A little fancy rat, isn't he?

Next time I'm getting a prostate exam.

Well, I'll drive you, but you've got to get your own ice pack.

Hey! Hey! How you doing? Hi, Ed.

Ed.

a little spur of the moment. We were hoping we could borrow your video

Oh, sure, sure.

Uh, the baby's doing something cute, isn't he?

Yeah, he probably is.

He's with the sitter. We're going down to the beach and videotape ourselves

having sex.

Oh, well, uh, try not to get sand in it.

Ooh, I won't. Believe me, one spit and twice shy on that one.

How come you're taking Percocet?

Root canal.

Root canal. Good for you.

Oh, dear God.

Are those what I think they are?

Uh, depends.

Do you think they're rat traps?

I think they're little killing machines.

All right. You got a taste for baguette. Don't go in the kitchen. You'll be

lured to your death.

Not helpful right now, Pete.

to kill some innocent fellow creature? Look, there is nothing wrong with

your home free from rats.

And I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't tell Dharma what I'm doing.

You know, I don't go to the dentist enough.

I probably need root canal myself.

You expect me to stand silent while a senseless massacre is being committed?

It'd be great if you could.

Come on, I have to get rid of this rat.

Well, then get a humane trap that captures him alive and sets him free in

natural habitat.

His natural habitat's an apartment building.

Do the right thing, Greg.

You'll feel better about yourself. And more importantly, I won't have to tell

Dharma.

Come on, Larry. Let's get to the beach before we lose the light. Okay.

Can we stop at the dentist first? My tooth's starting to hurt.

$40, $45, $50.

Thank you very much.

Your sister's pretty good.

Who?

Oh, yeah.

Sure, sis.

Thank you for playing our little game. Be cool. Stay in school.

I won $50.

$40. Well, the night is young.

What about the big tulip shindig? Oh, the heck with the tulips.

Rack them up and find me another pigeon.

Hello?

Hey, where you been?

Well, I got to thinking about what you said about our little furry friend. So I

stopped off at the hardware store and I bought a very humane rat trap.

Really?

I'm thinking the thing to do is to catch him humanely and then, you know...

set him free in his natural habitat.

Honey, I'm so proud of you.

I thought for sure you'd go out and get a bunch of those snappy things that

break their back. Oh, you know me better than that. Those things are barbaric.

If you do catch him, I want to go with you when you set him free so I can, you

know, say goodbye.

Well, I was hoping that was something that we could do together.

you know, set the trap, maybe open a little wine.

That does sound great. But me and my new buddy are going to go out and shoot

some pool. Again?

It was her idea.

I wanted to go to the grocery store wearing bathing caps so we could shop

synchronized swimmers.

And she didn't go for that.

I don't think she really understood it.

Oh, shoot.

Justin, you win again.

Thanks. Do you want to play again? No, no, no, no, no. You have taken advantage

of my sister enough.

You know, sis, I'm sure the AAA guy is here by now. We've already lost three

games. Don't you think we should go away by the car? Oh, I suppose.

But I'm having such a good time.

And I really feel lucky.

Hey, what about I play one more game for all of my mad money?

Crazy!

If she wants to play, let her play.

All right. Just one more game. Just one more. You promise me? No problem.

Can we play for, whoopsie, $500?

Sure. Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait. This is $70.

You know what? That's okay, too.

Why don't you just go ahead and break?

Oh, well, thank you.

Good luck, sis.

I noticed an ATM on the corner, just FYI.

Call ball off the sixth corner pocket.

Couldn't understand the message. What's the emergency? Look.

Oh, cool, you got him.

Pete, he's dead.

Good.

I promised Armand that we'd catch him alive and we'd, you know, take him out

the woods and sing Born Free and let him, you know, run among the flowers.

You sure he's dead?

Yeah, I'm sure. I even tried a little, you know.

Mouth -to -mouth?

No, I put him on the back.

What do you think killed him?

I don't know. Maybe he had a heart attack.

Sure, yeah.

Stress, bad diet, the rat race.

What am I going to do?

Well, we don't know the defeat's specific wishes, but a simple flushing

he takes.

Pete, Tom is going to think that I killed him.

Relax. I know what we'll do. What?

We'll write a little teeny suicide note. Never mind.

All right, we'll say he jumped.

I'll draw a little chalk outline on a sidewalk.

How did that happen? I wasn't even looking.

You got better real fast, lady. Yes, I did, didn't I? Okay, thanks for playing.

See you later.

I think we can call it a night. Are you crazy? Why would I quit now?

Because you're up $2 ,200 and people are starting to catch on that you're gone.

Oh, you think so?

Yes, but we need to go.

Well, you can go.

I'm going to stay.

Why? You don't need the money.

Oh, it's not about the money.

Don't you understand? I am better than all these other people.

And it has nothing to do with money or marriage or social status. It is just

because I am.

Damn better.

We really need to go.

Who dares to challenge the Queen of Pools?

Advance and prepare to be humbled.

I need a drink.

Oh, wait, wait, hold it.

With clothes.

No, no, please. I just need a rat.

Sorry, you'll have to wait until the morning.

I'll give you 50 bucks for a rat.

Is he serious?

I don't know. I'm just here to mock him.

50 bucks.

Let's get you a rat.

Is this a food rat or a pet rat?

What?

I think the gentleman's asking, do you plan to eat it or make it little

sweaters?

No, nothing like that. I just want to set it free.

Set it free?

He's on a mission from God.

I need a kind of mottled brown one with little white socks on his front paws.

Preferably a non -smoker, somebody who likes...

movies, long walks in the rain.

I'll take that one right there. Which one?

That one. You sure?

You got awfully expensive taste.

What do you mean?

That's a rare Patagonian tree rat.

That's a $100 rat.

You're just screwing with me.

Okay, okay. Let's say you rent a pet store.

It's 9 .30 at night, and some nut offers you $50 for a rat with little white

socks. What would you do?

You just stick to taking advantage of my friend here. I'll do the mocking, all

right?

He's very good.

Of course he's a good kid. His name is Sweet Lou.

So? Well, you don't play pool for money with guys named Sweet Lou.

Well, he's not that good. I beat him the first two games. I'm sorry. Have you

learned nothing?

You mean he knows our trick?

The trick. It's the only trick.

Well, even so, I will still win.

On the odd chance that you do lose, do you have $10 ,000 on you? Of course not.

Then what's the plan here? I will simply write him a check.

Would you do that?

Of course I can. I will have my accountant transfer the funds in the

Kitty, guy's name's Sweet Lou. Don't take checks.

Eight ball corner. Three rail kick.

I'll flirt with Lou while you crawl out the bathroom window. We'll meet up in

Mexico in three days.

You silly.

I will play him and this time I will win.

Excuse me.

Sweet.

Would you be interested in double or nothing?

Hello? Hi, honey.

Hey, great news. I caught Dennis.

Who? Dennis the rat. And he's fine, completely unharmed.

He looks very content. I think he knows he's going to be set free.

Isn't that nice? Listen, I'm going to be home a little late. Your mom is having

car trouble.

Did you call the auto club?

There's a man here dealing with it right now.

I'll see you later, baby.

Okay.

You know they take my check at Sotheby's. You should feel very good

Kitty.

Come on, we're still buds, right? Remember, sis?

Oh, bus stops the other way.

Okay, we probably know a better one.

I gotta tell you something.

I'm really glad we did that. I'm really glad we set him free.

Me too.

I feel so connected. So much a part of life in some bigger

way. It's exhilarating.

So you'd say you're in a good mood?

Yeah, why?

Well, you know how your mother's never been thrilled with me, and it's always

been a little awkward being around your folks.

Uh -huh.

Well, those are now officially the good old days.