Original subtitles

Hey, I got a question for you. Shoot.

But first you have to know that I took notes for Donald today and I found out

that all the stuff Larry taught me was bogus, so I decided to go to college.

because I'm angry at Larry, but because I really want to go.

So I made some calls and it turns out that the diploma Abby Needle pointed for

me isn't going to cut it, so I got to get my GED.

Which brings me to my question.

If a train leaves Boston at 5 .30 and another train... Hold it, hold it, hold

it. You're going to go to college?

Maybe, if I could figure out what time these trains collide.

You're okay with that, right?

Uh, sure.

You don't sound very enthusiastic.

I'm sorry. I mean, if this is actually something that you're going to follow

through with, I'm right behind you.

I'm going to follow through with it.

Spray painted a little graffiti on the front window of the Jenny Craig store.

I'm sure if you clean it up and apologize. Well, I didn't really do

just drove.

Trevor and Jason were the ones who painted the big pig.

I wouldn't worry too much about it. I'm sure everybody understands it was just a

harmless prank.

Well, I'd like to audit your class.

Really? You want to be here even though you don't have to be?

I love this class.

The way you spoke about Richard Nixon opening up China, I felt like I was

there asking Mao to pass the duck sauce.

I'm in love. Are you married?

Yeah.

I mean, if you really want to take my class, I'd be glad to have you. How

we do it in trade? I teach yoga.

Deal. I've always wanted to learn yoga.

Really? Sure.

Great. If you stretch my mind, I'll stretch your body. I mean, I'm married.

I mean, I'm... Listen,

Brandon, I really understand what you're going through. You know, your parents

are never around, and then they try to make up for it by buying you a trip to

Europe or the big fancy sports car. They didn't buy this. Really? Then how did

you... Hey,

how about this?

I'll go with you, and then we study afterwards.

Oh, I don't know. Come on, it'll be fun. We'll pretend I'm your new girlfriend,

make the ex a little jealous.

Well,

here we go.

Oh, that's her, huh?

Follow my lead.

Come here, you.

With my husband.

I'm talking about the thing at the party. Hey, you at a party, huh? You're

to love my husband. God knows I do.

It's late. I don't want to bother him. Why would you bother him? You're my

friend. There's nothing to bother him about that.

Hey, Greg, I want you to meet my friend Charlie, who I told you all about.

It's weird. He's usually very dependably here.

Maybe he's in the shower.

I really should go. No, why should you go? There's nothing wrong.

Sit. You stay.

You stay.

She meant me.

He's not here. Maybe you should go. Okay.

Hey, there's that husband of mine.

Honey, this is my tutor, Charlie.

Hi. Hi, nice to meet you.

Where you been, pumpkin?

I'm going to take a shower. They put you in a jail cell with a toilet right

there.

Do you see the way he opened up to you right away?

All right, well, maybe you should be going.

Greg!

Yeah, and?

Nothing. Just wanted you to know I've been thinking about it.

Well, let me know what you decide.

I could use a couple days off.

I guess that'd be okay.

To think about it.

Why don't I just pay you back the 200 bucks?

Well, yeah, sure, and I'll just forget about the gas money and the Howard Stern

pay -per -view special I'd already ordered.

How's 250?

I stopped at an Arby's on the way up.

Hello, husband.

I thought you'd be studying.

Come on, Greg. I don't spend every minute with a guy.

What guy?

Charlie. Oh, Charlie. Okay, can we get off of Charlie?

Just came by to surprise the guy I love with a nice picnic lunch.

Here, Pete, I made you a sandwich, too.

Thanks. You're welcome. Now go eat in your car.

All right.

Thanks, Helen. Very classy.

So, would you like your lunch first or your dessert?

Dharma, I'd love to.

But?

Why?

I have a meeting in a few minutes.

Okay.

Look, I know we haven't been spending much time together lately, and I'm

and I'll make it up to you, I promise.

That's okay.

It's no big deal. I'm sorry.

I can leave you the lunch, but dessert comes with me.

You need to talk.

Sure.

Come on in.

Yeah, I know it's not much to look at, so try not to look.

No.

It's great. Got your books, your calendar, your plant.

Yeah.

It's just temporary until the divorce is final.

Then I'll be moving into a cardboard box.

Then you'll have a little more light.

Here, sit.

Can I get you something?

Um, no.

Thanks, I'm fine. I can't stay long.

Okay.

Well, what's up?

Charlie, we need to talk about what happened last night.

Okay.

What happened last night?

It was an innocent and platonic kiss intended to make your ex -wife jealous.

Well, it certainly worked. She called me and demanded her plant back.

And it was innocent and platonic.

To tell you the truth, that's what I thought, you know, for the first two

-thirds of the kiss. And then it kind of took a turn there.

Charlie, I'm happily married, and I love my husband.

And you're a hell of a kisser.

Charlie. Look, I'm sorry. I never meant for anything like this to happen. And I

know you're married. Happily. Right.

But if that should ever change, I just want you to know, half of all this could

be yours.

Well, thanks. That's good to know.

But in the meantime, friends?

Go good tomorrow?

Great. And afterwards, maybe we can go over any questions before you take your

GED. Great. Okay.

Oh, I guess we did that already. Yeah.

Um,

so I guess I'll go.

See you.

Goodbye.

Just bang?

No, chitty, chitty, bang, bang?

Nope. That's not going to work.

Hey, I've had plenty of friends, guy friends, who are just friends.

Name one.

What about Albert?

The crossing god?

Uh -huh. Just friends.

You see him once a day for five minutes, and he's 80 years old, and he wants

you. Hey, just because a man says that he can still drive at night doesn't mean

he's hitting on you.

I think you're kidding yourself, Dharma. Men are beasts.

I want to chop you like a dead battery.

Just this morning, the bus driver asked me if this was where I got off.

Did you believe that?

I would have said something, but it was my stuff.

So, how hot is this Charlie guy? Can we fry an egg on his pants or what?

Oh, yeah.

Okay, you know what? All right, okay?

There is nothing going on with Charlie and me. Can we please change the

Is she going to see him again?

Tonight they're studying.

Uh -huh.

Uh -huh. Uh -huh.

Better go home and shave your legs.

You know what you want?

Oh, no, I'm waiting for a friend.

Okay, would you like something to drink? A glass of wine?

No, we're just friends. We're going to be studying. We're not drinking wine.

Wine's what you drink when you're on a date.

Oh, I could have a beer, though. Friends have beer.

Would you like a beer? No, I don't... I don't think so. I'm going to wait and

see what he gets.

Okay. Oh, you know what? What if he comes here and sees I don't have

so wants to order a bottle of wine?

Better get me a cup.

Okay. With a shot of rum.

Okay. No, wait.

No rum.

Okay.

Hey, yo, Charlie buddy over here.

Hey, Dama, sorry I'm late.

Oh, that's okay. You're not late. I just cracked the books. Oh, good.

Geometry, your favorite.

We'll start with that. Oh, okay.

Hey, do you want to get a bottle of wine?

Sure. All right. I got to go.

Previously, I had feelings for Charlie.

It doesn't make any sense because my feelings for Greg haven't changed one

If anything, I'd love him more now than I did the day we met.

Oh, Darmy, you know better than that. Feelings don't have to make any sense.

It's true. You know what summer sausage does to me?

And yet I have dreams about it.

Larry, that's not the same thing. That's a homoerotic thing.

You just say that because you don't like me eating meat.

It works, too.

Dharma, how long have you known this man?

It's a couple of weeks, but the connection is so strong.

I really want to find a way for us to be friends. I just don't know how to do

it.

Well, I think you know what we're going to say.

Continuing to see this man and suppressing your feelings is just going

you so much pain.

You're right.

So the only thing to do is go to Greg and tell him the truth and hope that

comfortable welcoming Charlie into your marriage.

What?

The notion that a relationship is restricted to two people is arbitrary

imposed by societal convention.

Yeah, I mean, some people are meant to live in pairs and other people are meant

to live in warm, loving...

And that's what's good for them.

You remember Herb and Sheila and Lois Tupperman?

Tupperman's were a clump. Oh, a very happy clump.

You know, Herb has almost zero cholesterol.

Okay, but you guys, my thing is not the same as the Tupperman's. Well, sure,

because that was two women and one man, but the emotional issues are the same.

Abby, I'm not going to live in a menage a trois with Charlie and Greg.

Oh, well, then you really do have a dilemma on your hands.

You are fantastic.

Thank you. You weren't too shabby yourself.

Thank you.

And you.

Can't take all the credit. I had a little help there. No, no, no.

You were more than holding up your end, Bravo.

Thanks.

Good night.

Good night.

Well done.

Tomorrow. So, where you been?

I'm sorry. I should have called. I got... You know what? I'm sorry. You

have to call. I trust you. Trust is one of the strongest parts of our marriage.

Okay.

So, where were you?

Oh, um... It looks like this friend and kid's parents are splitting up and his

mother needed a good lawyer, so I introduced her to Howard Radner, my

does divorce work.

Oh, that's too bad. How come you're helping her, not the father?

She asked me.

Oh, that's understandable.

Beautiful, vulnerable woman asking you for help? Of course you say yes.

I wouldn't call Nancy vulnerable.

Oh, Nancy.

Call her Nancy.

So she calls you Greg?

Yes, she does.

Well, that seems perfectly normal. Two adults calling each other by their first

names till 8 .30 at night. There's nothing to feel guilty about there.

Thelma, is something bothering you?

Why? Is something bothering you?

No.

Greg, clearly something is bothering you, otherwise you wouldn't be

it onto me.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Maybe you should think about it for a while.

I just want you to know that I love you and I trust you and I know it's nothing

you're going to act on, so it won't change anything between us, okay?

when we start for this test tomorrow, huh?

That's probably a good idea.

Wait a minute, wait a minute. My turn, my turn. I want to raise a glass of this

legal intoxicant in honor of my daughter, who now that she passed her

be the first Finkelstein to go to college.

Larry, you went to college.

Okay, just wait a minute.

Since me.

Since Finkelstein, well said.

First of all, I have to apologize to Dharma. When she told me she wanted to

this, I didn't take her seriously.

But if there's one thing I've learned, it's that this woman can do anything

she sets her mind to, including convincing a busy college professor to

on his own time. Charlie, thank you for giving Dharma the help, the

encouragement, and the pats on the back that I wasn't there to give.

To Charlie!

And Dharma, thank you for being my teacher.

You inspire me in so many ways.

And here's to spending the next four years sleeping with an attractive

co -ed.

And with any luck, it'll be my wife.

Speech! Speech!

Speech! Well,

thank you everyone for coming.

I really appreciate all of your support.

Why don't I get some more drinks?

Sleeping with co -eds, that is!

Would you like some help? Oh, no, I'm fine. Sure?

Everything's under control.

Your professor seems like a nice fellow.

He is.

Very handsome.

Very charming.

He's just a friend.

I thought he was your tutor. Oh, he is. No, he really is. He's really more my

tutor than my friend. Uh -huh.

Oh, my friend Evelyn had a French tutor.

The two of them live in New Jersey now.

Kitty, nothing happened.

Nothing happened?

All right, look, some stuff happened, but not the kind of stuff people usually

talk about when they say stuff happened. In that regard, nothing happened.

All right, good, good.

Then I suggest you say adieu before something does.

I, um, thought we could just be friends, but I guess I'm going to have to put an

end to it.

Good.

And I have to tell Greg.

Tell him what?

That I had feelings for Charlie and that there was a kiss.

Dama, listen to me. You cannot tell Gregory any of that. I have to, Kitty.

So that you can feel better and Gregory can be hurt.

Our whole relationship is based on honesty.

Look, Dama, we both know that you are not the woman I would have chosen for my

son. But you are the woman that he chose.

Now, if you want to leave him for that man, then leave him. But if not...

At least have the courage to bear your burden in silence.

Hey, hey, hurry up. I want to take a group photo with the graduate before Dad

passes out. Oh, she'll be right there. She'll be right there. Okay.

So I'm supposed to go out there and live my life and let this thing gnaw on my

soul forever?

Yes.

It's called love.

Ah, don't forget your shrimp, dear.

sitting here. Oh, good. Okay, everybody over here. We're going to take a

picture. Here we go. Here we go. All righty.

Or by the couch. Everybody by the couch.

It's time to get in there.

Hang on a sec. I do want to say something.

I just want to thank the person without whom I would not have passed this test

and without whom I would not be saying whom.

Oh, you were right to doubt that I'd stick to this.

Because I spent my whole life being open to new things, you know, which is good.

But you showed me that if there's something you really want, something

very important to you, you should not let anything or anybody get in the way

that.

So thank you.

I love you.

I love you.

Okay, everybody loves... Everybody. We're going to take this picture or

Come on, get in there.

Charlie, get in here.

You know, I really should be going. Don't tell him he's got to be in the

picture. I think Charlie obviously has somewhere else to be.

Goodbye, Charlie.

Bye.

Congratulations.

Bye. Okay, everybody squeeze in there. Okay, everybody smile.

Cheese.