Original subtitles

From the moment the story broke, it appeared that Nixon would have to

Nevertheless, it isn't until August of 74 that he finally leaves the White

House. Oh, oh, oh.

Yes?

Excuse me. Hi, Dharma Montgomery. I'm subbing for Donald Ridgely, who, by the

way, is feeling better. It turns out it wasn't strep throat at all. It was an

allergic reaction to pistachios.

But he's still a little phlegmy, so I told him he should just stay home and

some rest.

Did you have a particular question?

Yeah, um... Just about the Nixon thing, just so that I'm clear. When you say

left the White House in 74, you mean officially, right? Because he secretly

the country through 76 using Gerald Ford as his puppet.

You know, because of the secret bargains struck by the Warren Commission.

What?

Nixon doesn't contest his loss to Kennedy in 60.

Then conspires with the Cubans, and you know who, to do you know what, you know

where.

And Gerald Ford on the Warren Commission covers the whole thing up in exchange

Nixon promises for the presidency.

But you know what? You're probably going to cover all this in your lecture, so

I'll just shut up.

Where did you learn this?

I was homeschooled.

My dad spent a lot of time on American history, especially Nixon. I mean, he

knows everything about Nixon.

Even why his daughter Julie had to marry the Eisenhower kids.

So it wasn't true love?

Nope. It was a breeding program.

You know, eugenic. But it'll all be in my dad's book, The Boys of Yorba Linda.

I'm sorry, you're the teacher. Go on.

Well, I don't really do criminal law, but I guess I can...

Drive over there and talk to the kid.

Thank you, Gregory.

He's a good boy, and the Gullixons, we've known them for years.

Don't be afraid to bill him. Bob Gullixon has a summer home for every

my head.

Excuse me, is Gullixon S -E -N or S -O -N?

S -E -N. Thank you.

Dom, must you do that at the dinner table?

You said it was okay. I certainly did not.

I'm sorry, Kitty, but you did.

Kitty, now what is she doing? Greg, she's taking notes for a friend in

so she's practicing. Kitty, oh, for heaven's sake. Dharma, would you like me

stop? Kitty, well, I'd rather you do that than dance the can -can on the

room table.

Edward, I forget, am I lactose intolerant?

And then we all went and looked for his pills.

Fine, fine, take notes.

Now, where was I?

Kitty, the Gullickson boy needs a good lawyer.

Greg, I don't really do criminal law, but I guess I can drive down there and

talk to the kid.

Well.

Who's ready for some aspirin?

Oh, come on. Somebody. Anything.

Dharma. Oh, come on.

Brandon. Hi. Greg Montgomery.

We spoke on the phone.

How you doing? How am I doing?

Police came to my dorm. My dad's gonna kill me. Relax. I think I can make this

all go away. Really?

Spray -painted a little graffiti on the front window of the Jenny Craig store.

I'm sure if you...

Clean it up and apologize.

Well, I didn't really do anything. I just drove.

Trevor and Jason were the ones who painted the big pig.

I wouldn't worry too much about it. I'm sure everybody understands it was just a

harmless prank.

Good.

Well, well, Mr.

Gullickson, I see you have an attorney.

Greg Montgomery.

I'm Chief Anderson. This is Roland Ball, the town prosecutor.

Mr. Ball. Mr. Montgomery.

Uh, Brandon, why don't you, uh, wait outside in the hall?

Uh, think about what you've done.

Gentlemen, we were all teenagers once. He's a good kid who fell in with a bad

crowd. This is more than just vandalism, Mr. Montgomery.

This sort of thing hurts people. I understand.

There are folks in this town for whom wait is a daily struggle.

I can see that. What's that supposed to mean?

Hey. Hey.

Your dad turned down a lawyer?

Yeah.

How is he?

Dumber than the last one.

Are you positive Dharma didn't tell you what she's upset about?

No, I'm not positive.

How can you be positive about something like that?

Would you like sugar?

No, thank you. Would you like some cream?

No, that's fine.

Would you like to explain to me why you filled my head with crap?

What are you talking about? The last Apollo mission did not secretly bury the

minutes of missing White House audio tape on the moon.

They brought a lot of golf balls up there and they only hit one.

Dharma, Dharma, what is this all about?

I said... in on a college history class today and I was totally humiliated.

Everything you taught me was wrong.

Honey, have you had any problems with chemistry, biology, literature, the

I taught you? No, that all seemed to be fine. I'm sorry, I'm interrupting.

You were saying something to your father.

I'm just upset.

And what if I decided to go to college? I'd be totally unprepared.

Honey, are you thinking of going to college?

I don't know, maybe.

I guess I am. Honey, I think that's wonderful.

Hey, don't Pressure her?

College is always going to be there, pumpkin. Take some time for yourself.

Backpack around Europe, work on the keyboard. I did that, Larry. I'm 28.

Okay, that's what this is about.

Why didn't you remind me?

Honey, I'm sorry.

Happy birthday.

Hello? Bedroom. Sorry I'm so late. How did it go?

Fine. The kid, uh...

I have to do a little community service, and I have to send the police chief a

box of Krispy Kremes.

That's good.

Hey, I got a question for you. Shoot.

But first you have to know that I took notes for Donald today, and I found out

that all the stuff Larry taught me was bogus, so I decided to go to college.

because I'm angry at Larry, but because I really want to go.

So I made some calls, and it turns out that the diploma Abby Needle pointed for

me isn't going to cut it, so I got to get my GED.

Which brings me to my question.

If a train leaves Boston at 5 .30 and another train... Hold it, hold it, hold

it. You're going to go to college?

Maybe, if I could figure out what time these trains collide.

You're okay with that, right?

Uh, sure.

You don't sound very enthusiastic.

I'm sorry. I mean, if this is actually something that you're going to follow

through with, I'm right behind you.

I'm going to follow through with it. Well, of course, honey. It's just, you

know, you get a lot of ideas. I mean, just the other day, you were going to...

Raise iguanas for fun and profit.

I don't think college cuts into that.

You do know you're talking about four years of really hard work.

Yes, I do, and I intend to do it. Okay, fine. Good for you.

But I want you to know that if you wake up tomorrow and you want to open a kite

store, I'm behind you on that, too.

Why would I want to open a kite store?

I had a kite store. I lost my shirt.

Oh, sure.

How could I forget the woman who knows where they keep Ivan Hauer's brain?

Yes, well, as it turns out, I may have been misinformed about that.

What can I do for you?

Well, I'd like to audit your class.

Really? You want to be here even though you don't have to be?

I love this class.

The way you spoke about Richard Nixon opening up China, I felt like I was

there asking Mao to pass the duck sauce.

Well, I'm in love. Are you married?

Yes. You got a sister? An imaginary sister, but I think she's seeing

Well, you know, it wouldn't have worked out. She probably wants the children

raised imaginary.

Oh, probably.

Listen, anyone who wants to learn like you do is welcome in my class.

Oh, thanks.

I really appreciate it. There's just one small problem, which is that I'm not

quite enrolled in the university yet. I still need to pass my GED, get accepted,

and learn to chug a lug.

Oh, you know, I...

I'm sorry, but the college has a strict policy about non -students auditing

classes.

Okay. Yeah. Yeah, I understand.

Okay. Well, thanks anyway.

Bye.

Hang on.

You know what? Screw policy.

I mean, if you really want to take my class, I'd be glad to have you.

You sure?

Absolutely. And if you need any help with that GED, just give me a call.

Really? Yeah.

I'd be happy to pay you. No, no, I don't want to take your money.

How about we do it in trade? I teach yoga.

Deal. I've always wanted to learn yoga.

Really? Sure.

Great. Yeah. You stretch my mind, I'll stretch your body. I mean, I'm... I'm

married. I mean, I'm... I know what you mean. Oh, good.

Okay.

Well, thank you.

I'll see you later. Okay, thanks.

For what?

I mean, it was nice to meet you.

Again. I'll see you again. Yeah, okay. Yeah.

Okay. I'll call you. Okay, bye. Okay, bye.

Hey, you did great.

Thanks.

Hey, you do know we're done, right?

Oh, I know. I'm just resting.

Did you hurt yourself?

In ways I didn't think were possible.

No, no, don't do that. Don't do that. Let me.

Dharma. Oh.

Oh, oh, I'm sorry.

It's okay, Marcy. What's up? Well, I can come back later when you're not rubbing

somebody.

Is that a message for me? Oh, sorry, yeah.

Greg called.

Greg. Greg's her husband.

Yeah, right there. That is good. Oh, dear.

He said he can't have dinner with you because Brandon's been arrested.

My husband's a lawyer. Oh, but he's really nice and tall.

Hey, listen.

If you don't have any plans, why don't we tonight study?

I just need to take a shower and grab something to eat. You want to join me?

I'm sorry. I never shower with my students.

What are you doing?

I can't believe you have no tartar sauce anywhere in this car.

Why would I lie about that?

What do you need wet naps for if you don't have any tartar sauce?

Close the glove compartment.

All right.

Don't put that in there.

I can't eat it now. It's dry.

Unbelievable.

What's your problem?

I guess I just don't like being taken advantage of.

You bought me a fish sandwich. Get over it.

I'm talking about the Gullickson kid. You know, he's a little con artist.

probably tell me that somebody planted the CDs in his jacket.

What do we care?

Bill and his father hourly, right? We're getting him out of this and we're

walking away.

Are you nuts?

This young man is a goldmine.

Not only does he regularly break the law, but he gets caught every time.

When we get there, you handle the bail. I'm going to tell the kid he's on his

own. We do not need to represent people like him.

You don't get this whole lawyer thing, do you?

I've got tartar sauce in my wallet.

But hang on, there's something I don't understand here.

What's that?

Did your wife start sleeping with your boss after you broke up or while you

still together?

No, that's why we broke up.

Oh, I think.

Yeah, but on the plus side, I'm the only one in the history department who's

ever had the chairman visit his house.

Am I making a joke? You're saying, please stop talking about this before I

crying.

Kinda. So, what do you know about photosynthesis?

I'm sorry.

It sounds like you've been through a bad time.

Thanks.

Okay, photosynthesis.

Um, let's see.

Chlorophyll and sunlight transform hydrogen and carbon dioxide into food

plants, and as a byproduct, oxygen is released, which is good for us. Go

I'm impressed.

Yeah, well, my mom's a registered Wiccan herbalist, and my dad, you know, he

does a lot of work with plants.

Yeah, incredible.

I've never met anyone like you.

I get that a lot.

Here's a bunch of my cards.

You know, give them to your friends.

You guys are young. You should be out there having fun, you know.

You shouldn't have to be thinking, is this a crime? Is that a crime?

You leave that to us.

And I hope you learned your lesson.

Pete, can you give us a minute?

And listen to this man.

And don't forget what I told you.

All right, here's the deal.

If this one doesn't go away, you're going to get probation.

One more screw -up and you're going in the juvie system.

Do you have to tell my father? Of course.

I'm also going to tell him to find another lawyer.

Why? Because I don't like getting conned.

Oh, David.

That's right.

I'm on to you.

You're just a rich brat who thinks the rest of the world exists to clean up

after him. Well, hear the news flash.

Your daddy's money's not going to keep you out of prison.

Well, actually, it might.

That is not my point. My point is you're a smart kid and you ought to start

acting like it.

I know.

I know I'm just doing this to get back at my parents.

You know?

For never being around?

I just can't seem to stop.

I got shipped off to a boarding school. I felt angry and abandoned, too.

Really? Those were tough times, dude.

But I didn't destroy property or steal stuff. I hung in there and I made

something of myself.

You can, too.

You think so?

It's my home number.

And I have my cell phone.

If you ever just, you know, want somebody to talk to...

Just give me a call, okay?

I'll do that.

All right.

I'm going to go check on your paperwork, son.

Everything's going to be okay.

Mr. McElroy? Yes.

Thanks.

Dude!

Engels are congruent.

That means Eck equals... Eck?

equal 12.

X equals M.

Problem?

Geometry.

God. Charlie showed me the trick to these triangle ones and I just can't

remember it.

Charlie. I told you.

You think that professor is tutoring me in exchange for yoga classes? Oh, right,

right. He's such a great guy. You would love him. I should get you guys

together. Sure.

Oh, God, am I tired. That drive really takes it out of you.

It's not one of these problems that I can figure out.

Honey, you're killing yourself with this college thing. You know, it's no big

deal. You gave it a shot.

I'm going to college, Rick.

Okay. Sorry.

Can you help me study tomorrow?

Tomorrow? Um, it...

Terrence weekend at Brandon's school, and his folks aren't going to show, so I

thought that I'd drive up there and, you know, be there for him.

He's going through a hard time.

Good night.

Listen, Charlie, um...

Thanks for all your help, but I am thinking about quitting this whole GED

college thing.

What? Why?

I don't know. I'm having a really hard time, and I... Some people seem to think

that I don't have what it takes.

Well, some people don't know you like I do.

You have an incredible mind.

You can accomplish anything you set out to do. The math.

And the history, I can't... Believe me, you can learn enough math to pass this

test.

And you know a lot about history. We just need to undo a little of the damage

your dad did.

Well, in his defense, he was a really good dad. He was home all the time.

You know what?

I was supposed to go to a faculty party tonight, but I'm going to blow it off,

and you and I are going to nail this stuff. Oh, no, you don't want to miss a

faculty party.

No one gets down like history professors.

Bad hors d 'oeuvres and my ex -wife parading around with the head of the

department.

Yeah, I guess that would suck some of the fun out of it.

Hey, how about this?

I'll go with you, and then we study afterwards.

Oh, I don't know. Come on, it'll be fun. We'll pretend I'm your new girlfriend,

make the ex a little jealous.

Can we say you're from some exotic foreign country?

Sure. As long as it's Canada, because I don't do accents very well.

All right.

It's a date.

Good. Or as they say in my country, it's a date.

Nice ride.

It's all right.

You know, you didn't really have to come up here for this lame parent weekend

thing. No, I enjoyed it, you know. Us old folks almost had a chance in the

football game until that one kid's father got the chest pains and started

vomiting.

That was something, huh?

I guess.

Listen, Brandon, I really understand what you're going through.

You've been there.

You know, your parents are never around, and then they try to make up for it by

buying you a trip to Europe or the big fancy sports car.

They didn't buy this.

Really? Then how did you... Ah.

had the horse thrown me, but it was reared up on its hind legs ready to

into the frozen Canadian tundra when out of nowhere Charlie rides up and his big

white horse swoops me up with one arm and carries me to safety.

Was that the tundra?

Oh, yeah.

So how did you guys meet?

How we doing? I think you went a little far with the knight in shining armor

story, but I like the thing where you cry every time I jump on it.

You weren't kidding about those hors d 'oeuvres.

Well, here we go.

Oh, that's her, huh?

Yeah.

She's pretty hot.

Now, you see, that doesn't help.

You want to give her a little show?

What do you mean?

Follow my lead.