Original subtitles

Oh, my God. Is this not the most beautiful Sunday you have ever seen?

Oh, God.

If this day was a woman, she'd have to beat the other days off with a stick.

Especially Wednesday hump day, get it?

Got it.

Days like this that make me wish I was a bike messenger.

You going to be ready to go soon? In a minute.

Okay. I thought we could go down to Fisherman's Wharf.

and get some lunch, and then go down to Farmer's Market and get ourselves a

couple of nice, fresh farmers.

Sure, honey. You know how you can tell if they're fresh or not?

They squeeze you. Get it?

Sounds like fun.

You're not listening, are you? Well, just let me finish the crossword puzzle.

10 .30 in the morning. 10 .35.

Is it unreasonable for me to want to do the crossword puzzle on Sunday morning?

No, of course not.

Let me know when you're ready. I will.

Z -E -P -H -Y -R, westerly wind, zephyr.

We're at the farmer's market now.

Sure. We'll keep our eyes open.

Hi.

If anyone notices a five -letter edible fruit of the Myrtle family, jot it down.

I can't believe that he's indoors doing the crossword puzzle on a day like this.

I know. I tried pushing the couch out with him still on it, but he caught on.

Do you remember how well that worked with your father?

Really? Once.

Did you figure out what you're going to get Greg for his birthday?

No, not yet.

I could buy him a friend who's been on the couch with him.

You sleep with him, you're throwing him a surprise party. If you ask me, you got

a little change coming.

He is so hard to buy for.

You know, he never did use those tap dancing lessons I got him last year. Oh,

you're kidding.

The hat and cane are just gathering dust.

I hope you made sure my ex -husband isn't bringing a date to Greg's party.

Yes, I talked to Pete. He gave his word. Good.

Do you think he'd be upset if I brought that guy?

A plan begins to form.

Excuse me, are you the guy who makes up the crossword puzzles?

The answers will be published on Sunday.

Yeah, I know, that's not why I'm here.

Um, see, my husband's birthday is coming up, and I'm kind of stuck for gifts,

and I thought maybe you could help me out.

Try one of those coffee makers that grinds the beans.

Yeah, those are great, but, um, he's a big crossword puzzle fan.

Say no more.

What's his name? Greg.

Well, you're gonna love this.

Especially the way you crossed best and wishes.

Glad I could help. Thanks for stopping by. Actually, there's one more thing.

Okay, what's your name? Oh, no.

No, it's all right. What's your name? Dharma.

Actually, there's an H in there. D -H -A.

Ah, damn, I shouldn't have used that.

Actually, the reason I'm here is I was hoping you could work the phrase happy

birthday, Greg, love, Dharma, into next week's crossword puzzle.

Oh, I have a very strict policy on personal messages.

Any chance it's glad to do them?

Look, if I do happy birthday for you, next week it's happy bar mitzvah,

Sorry about your loss, Earl.

Chevy Lumina for sale. Low mileage.

Look, my husband is a really hard guy to buy for.

I mean, he already has a drawer full of coupon books for treats in bed, which is

partly my fault because in the moment I tend to forget to collect the coupon.

Look, I thought, wouldn't it be great if next Sunday, which is his birthday,

he's doing the crossword puzzle, which he loves.

And there, 38 across.

Dharma loves Greg.

Thank you, Dharma?

Don't thank me, Greg.

Thank the most wonderful man in the world.

And your hero, Theodore Harrison.

I'm sorry, there's no way I can do this.

How about for a hundred bucks? Done.

Great. If I had struck out with you, I was going to get a beer stein and a

cockatoo that said there's a fungus among us.

have any cute baby pictures of Greg where he has, like, a bowl of spaghetti

his head or naked in the bathtub?

Why would I have that?

Everybody has cute bathtub pictures.

I mean, I got some doozies of Greg in the shower, but I don't think he wants

blowing them up for the party.

Well, I'm sorry, Donna. This is all I have.

Okay. All right.

Hey,

Greg opening his checking account.

Sitting on Barry Goldwater's lap.

of Lou Blazer throughout the years.

Hello, Dharma. Hi, Ed.

Kitty, I have a fella here detailing my car. I told him to do yours, too.

Oh, well, thank you, dear.

Glad to do it. Can I freshen your drink? Oh, you're a doll.

What are you guys fighting about?

Why on earth would you think we're fighting?

Did you hear that, Edward? Dharma thinks we're fighting.

That's rich.

you guys for three years. The last time you pretended to be that nice to Edward

was after he walked through your book club in his underwear.

That wasn't my fault. I had a flip disc.

She knows I was hopped up on pain pills.

And were you hopped up this morning when you gave your ex -wife $10 ,000?

It was a loan.

It was asinine.

Oh, he wants to help the old gray mayor start a little business.

At least she's doing something productive with my money instead of

furniture that no one can sit on. Your money? Oh, why don't we get the lawyers

in here and find out whose money it is. Okay, well, thanks for everything, guys.

I'll see you Sunday.

What's wrong with helping a person out? Oh, wake up, Edward. This is not a

person. This is a shrill, pre -outsided harpy.

Well, it must be my weakness.

Oh, keep on talking. We'll be sitting on new furniture sooner than you think.

Hey, buddy, no armor all on that white car.

So you got big plans for a big birthday weekend?

Not really. Farmer's just going to take me out to dinner at the club.

Quiet dinner at the country club, just the two of you.

That's sweet.

Hey, listen.

This isn't the type of office where we buy each other birthday presents, is it?

Don't worry about it, Pete.

Oh, good.

So no gifts for the birthday boy.

Excuse me.

Look at that.

We've got a client.

Right this way, miss. This is my law partner, Greg. I hope you can help me.

see, I bought this, and it doesn't work, so I want to sue the store.

Let me show you.

Pete, it wouldn't.

It's working for me.

Thank you very much, Pete, but this is really special, but we have actual

clients coming any minute, so... We got bigger problems than that, Greg.

Officer? What seems to be the trouble?

Hold it right there, miss.

You're not a real law client.

I'm going to have to arrest you.

How great is this?

Terrific. Excuse me.

Oh, please, come on. At least let her slap the handcuffs on.

Thank you very much, ladies. We're going to have to take a rain check.

Come on, girls. Just hang out out here for a minute. Have a soda.

I'll talk to him.

What birthday you got coming up, man? The big 7 -0?

This may come to surprise you, but I'm not really into strippers at 9 o 'clock

in the morning.

Oh, well.

We'll have a couple drinks, and then we'll bring them back in. We got 45

minutes.

We have work to do.

So do they.

Thank you for the birthday present. I really appreciate the sentiment.

Forget the sentiment. They frisk each other.

I'm sure they do.

Hi, Grandpa.

Go talk to the girls.

I'll be back in like 41 minutes.

Hey, you got any singles?

I'm going to need some tucking in money.

Hello? In the kitchen.

Hey. Wow.

Is that Greg?

Yeah.

But he turned out fine.

Honey, we need to talk to you about something.

Shoot. Your father and I have given this a lot of thought, and as long as you're

having Greg's birthday party at that country club, we cannot attend.

So here's your present.

What?

I thought you were over your problem with the oppressive elitism inherent in

private watering holes of the Uber class.

We are, but it has come to our attention that the fat cats at that country club

are committing environmental genocide. And why?

So they can build themselves another fat cat driving range. It's a sweater.

What are the cats doing?

Abby? They're relocating wild bees.

Yeah, ants, squirrels, and birds, and chipmunks, and rabbits. No, actually,

Larry, it's just bees.

Just bees?

Nothing furry? No.

I'm sorry, Dharma. If you want us to come, you'll have to find some other

to have the party. It's tomorrow, Abby.

Oh, wait a minute. We're giving up a free buffet for some lousy bees?

You know, they're giving up their homes, Larry.

Oh, so what?

I'll be there. No!

You will not!

Oh, come on. I was with you on fur. I was with you on the owls. I was with you

on that creepy little fish with the underbite. But I gotta draw the line on

bees. You know, I think maybe we should discuss this at home, Larry, after

you've read the literature.

I'll see you tomorrow.

You will not.

You could have told me it was just bees.

I told you three times, Larry. That's your answer for everything, isn't it?

Happy birthday, old -timer.

Thank you.

Here's your muffin and your coffee and your pencil and your crossword

puzzle.

Thank you. Looks like a good one this week.

You know what? I've been thinking. We should get out and do more stuff on the

weekends.

No. No.

It's Sunday.

It's your...

Do your crossword puzzle. No, I can do that any time. Come on, we'll go

rollerblading. No, rollerboring.

Hey, check this out.

Six letters.

A mug, hat, snack, or a coal mine fatality. What in the heck could that

Canary. You're ready, too. Nope, we're going to go out and enjoy the day.

Oh, four -letter word for crap.

Skate's gone.

Well, you know what they say. Most skating accidents happen when you're

your socks on too fast.

Sit down. I'll get you some ice. No, no, no. I'll get it. It's your birthday.

You sit down. You relax. Do whatever you want. Here's your crossword puzzle.

Thanks.

What are you doing?

Just gonna watch some football.

Instead of your crossword puzzle?

I can do both at the same time. I should hope so, a man of your education.

Don't worry, I got it. You just didn't show your crosshair.

Hello?

Hi, Pumpkin. Hey, Laird. What's up? Did you talk to Abby?

Yes, I did.

And I think we're all on the same page here.

That's great. So she's coming.

No, not that page.

I was wrong about the bees, and I can't come either.

Larry, don't do this to me.

Hang on.

Hello?

Dharma, I'm in love.

Great, Jane. I'm very happy for you. I got a problem with my parents. Can I

you back?

Sure. I just wanted you to know I have to bring him to Greg's party.

Hang on.

Hey, Larry, I'm back.

Who's this?

Dharma.

Hey, I was just going to call you. You did, Larry.

Well, that's gonna be tough, because we're not coming.

I gotta go.

Jane? It's been a long time since I had a good orange. Jane?

See, I just got divorced.

Are you there, Jane? You can't bring a date. You and Pete agreed, no dates.

Hang on.

Hello? Donna, Edward, and I regret we will be unable to attend Gregory's

No, no regretting. You have to not regret that.

Everything all right?

Everything's fine, honey. Everything's fine. Husky dory.

I'm sorry.

Dama?

Hang on, Kitty.

Hang on, Jane.

Honey, you forgot your crossword puzzle.

Oh, you know what?

I'm not going to do it. It's kind of hard this week.

Kind of hard? What kind of talk is that?

Just not into it. Would you need an easier one?

How about the ones in the TV guide?

Ah. Two letters. Duke blank hazard.

Is that easy enough?

Why are you being so mean to me?

Because I hate it when you give up like this.

Jane. Jane, you can't bring a date.

Jane.

Jane.

Jane.

Kidding?

Sorry, we will meet you for a drink before or after, but we will not set

that country club. Why?

Does this have anything to do with bees?

Bees?

Hang on.

Hello? Ma 'am, let me just start by saying this is not a sales call. I'm not

selling anything. Listen, I'm sorry. I can't talk right now. What would you say

if I told you that you could save $20 a month on canned goods?

I don't know what I would say. Can you hang on?

Hello, Kitty?

It's York.

Country club?

Yes. And Edward got his ex -wife the catering contract for the whole damn

You want the money paid back, the woman has to get some work.

Well, why doesn't she go back to her old line of work?

Or is the fleet not in?

That's completely uncalled for.

And what are you implying?

Kitty, I'm coming over.

I'm sorry, I'm going to have to take a beating on my can goods. I'm up to my

in bees and ex -wives.

I got some errands to run. I'll be back in a little while. I want that puzzle

done by the time I get back.

Happy birthday, sweetie.

You know, you are so smart the way you figure all this out.

Susie Street Pulpit?

Yeah, I have no idea what that is. Neither do I. That's because you're not

trying. Now get to it, Susie Street Pulpit. Go.

Drank a little better?

No, but I'm not going to baby it.

Hi, darling.

What are you doing here?

I thought I'd drag the birthday boy out for a round of golf. Well, I'm sorry, he

can't play golf. He's doing his cross proposal.

Come on, it's a beautiful day. How many Sundays do we get like this? Yeah, sun's

out. Big deal. Get a life.

Listen, James is creating a date to the party tonight.

Wait a minute. We agreed no dates. Yeah, cry me a river. What do you want me to

do about it?

I can't show up alone.

Then get yourself a date.

Tonight?

Forget it. I just won't go. Okay, I swear, if one more person tells me they

not going to this party tonight, I will reach into their chest and pull out

their beating heart and I'll just get a date.

Oh, come on. It is your only son's birthday.

How can you not be there? Dharma, if you don't think this pains me, you're

wrong. But as long as that woman is catering this affair, I cannot attend.

Ginny... I am sorry.

I'm a very sensitive person. I have feelings, too.

I know you do. Well... You're a kind and gentle soul.

But did you ever consider the fact that Edward's ex -wife will be running around

in an apron waiting on you?

You didn't, did you?

It would be somewhat humiliating for her. Cocktails at seven dinners a day.

And by not being there, the country club wins.

They don't know you're home protesting.

They just get to go on killing bees till the cows come home, and then they'll go

after the cows.

You know, you're right. I have to be there and make a statement. Right.

Yeah, somebody's got to speak for the bees. Sure.

But no signs, no marching, and no throwing honey on people.

Don't worry, honey. I won't disrupt Greg's birthday, but if I get a chance

get up on my little soapbox... Soapbox!

What? That's a cheap pulpit soapbox. I gotta go.

Grandma, I gotta tell you, I'm not really in the mood for a big dinner.

lighten up. It's your birthday.

Well, about seven fingers, it hasn't been very fun.

I know.

I'm sorry.

But this is gonna make everything all right.

We'll have a nice romantic dinner, some wine. I even thought you might be able

to finish this.

Why did you bring the crossword puzzle?

Because you're almost done. See, soapbox gives you Xanadu and Ombudsman. Dharma,

I don't give a damn about the puzzle. I want to go home. Well, you can't. Why

not? Because of this.

in here.

And that there.

There, now read it. 89 across.

Charma loves grip. Not Charma.

Dharma loves grip.

You did this. What a great present.

Yeah. Well, next year you're getting a tie.

Why is it grip?

76 down is hogtied, not hobbled.

Oh, look at that.

I love you, Charma. I love you, grip.

Can we go home now? You know we can't.

Come on, we'll just go in there and give him a chance to yell surprise.