Original subtitles

Let's name him Quasar.

Quasar Finkelstein.

I don't know. It's cute when he's a baby, but not later on. Yeah. We can

put it on the list.

I don't know what was wrong with Fuzzy Shoehorn.

You know, I think we should name him something unique that nobody's ever

of before, like Fremlich or Keldon Fleur.

Or Grosman.

Ooh. Hello, little Grosman.

Hey.

That's it.

For two weeks now, I've been listening to you guys try to name this baby after

lawn furniture and planets and colors and feelings and trees. Oh, yeah,

Whatever happened to Dogwood? Never mind what happened to Dogwood. It's not a

name, and neither is that a rondack or tetherball or 112.

Look. You give a girl a freaky name and it's kind of cute, but... Do you think

my name is freaky? Yes, but that's not my point.

If this kid walks onto a schoolyard and says, Hi, my name is Fountain Pen Pussy

Willow Finkelstein, he's going to get the tar kicked out of him.

Tar! Tar!

Tar! No!

Tar! No!

Give him a regular name, like David or Michael or Steven.

Wow, honey, I didn't realize you had such strong feelings about this. Well,

my brother -in -law.

Aw, that's... very loving of you, Greg.

You know, actually, I was thinking of naming him Harold after my father.

Yeah. Well, that's very nice, Larry.

But you know that if we're going to name him after an ancestor, I've always

liked Christian for my grandfather.

Oh, that's a good idea.

Why don't you call Miami Beach and tell my mother, Esther Finkelstein, that her

grandson's name is Christian?

You know what? Maybe I will.

And while you're at it, why don't you just stab her in the chest?

Fine. And maybe if she lays there dying, she'll stop calling me Amy.

She's hard of hearing, I told you. She's hard of hearing.

She's hard of heart is what she is.

Was that my fault?

Not really.

Let's make a pact that when we have kids, we're not going to put ourselves

through this.

Absolutely. A boy will be Joe or Bill or Tom.

And a girl will have a freaky name like Sunshine's Face Tweezers.

You know, it's cute for a girl.

This is great.

Family tree, baby's first words. You know, everybody should do one of these

their kids. If they can.

These things are hard.

Where did mommy and daddy meet?

Who knows that kind of thing?

Maybe you can come back to that one, Larry.

Well, I need to sleep.

I ran out of animals, so old McDonald's now has robots, dinosaurs, and a bug

zapper on his farm.

Hey.

Jeremy, while you're up, honey, would you get me some more apples? I'll get

No, I'm up.

Here we go.

All about Daddy.

Where was I born?

Man, they could at least make it multiple choice.

New York City, Larry.

That doesn't sound right, but okay.

Everything's delicious, Dharma. Thanks. Honey, why don't you sit down and eat?

Your food's going to get cold. I will.

Ah, Daddy's favorite song.

Jimi Hendrix, Hey Joe, it reminds me of that time you drove across country with

one -armed Bob and you never got any sleep because every time he drove, you

to do all the shifting.

Favorite song, One -Armed Bob.

I'd love to hear about your long -distance phone company.

Sweetie, do you want me to get the baby?

Uh -oh.

Daddy's favorite movie.

It's a tie.

Lawrence of Arabia and Fritz the Cat.

Right.

Sure, how could you choose?

Throw it.

Throw it.

Meh.

You know, sometimes I think they can't hear me.

Do you know your dad's favorite movie?

Muppets Take Manhattan. Why?

Maybe it's just me.

What? I don't know anything about my father. Dharma knows the name of the

her dad took to his high school prom.

Larry went to a prom? Junior year.

Senior year he ran a kind of concession in the parking lot.

There's our Larry.

Yeah. You know, my dad, he lost his virginity at his prom to his English

teacher.

He told you that? Yeah, he told everybody.

It's a great story.

She still flunked him.

Hey, where you been?

I went straight from work to my mom's to help her out, and now I gotta get a

change of clothes and go right back.

You're gonna spend the night there again?

Honey, the baby wakes up every two hours, and with Larry working nights,

just exhausted.

Oh, I'm sorry about that, but aren't they kind of taking advantage of you?

They're not taking advantage. I'm helping. That's what you do for family.

Okay, I just was hoping that...

Tonight was, you know.

Monkey Love Monday, I know.

I was looking forward to that, too.

You know what? You want to do something really fast right now? Nothing fancy, no

trick?

Take it.

You know, I'm sorry. I really don't have time. I've got to change and get out of

here.

Choke. Just watch the game.

Oh, if you're really hurting, we could run a dirty movie.

Watch the game.

All right, we could kiss for a while with our shirts on.

All right?

Nothing fancy, no tricks.

The game.

That mockingbird don't sing.

Dom is gonna buy you a diamond ring. Oh, he's up?

Diaper. Oh, again.

Yes, well, you know what babies say about breast milk.

You don't buy it, you rent it.

I'm gonna try to get him to sleep.

No, you get some rest. You're gonna have to nerf in an hour.

Oh, you're the angel.

And if that...

Diamond ring don't shine.

Dharma's gonna buy you a big green lime.

That big green lime don't squeeze.

Dharma's gonna buy you a house of cheese.

And if that house of cheese gets moldy,

go again if I got a minute.

Don't you want to talk or cuddle or something?

No, I'm good.

Love you.

I feel so cheap.

Morning.

Sorry.

Hey.

Look who's up.

Hi.

All right, I'm off.

Edward, did Gregory say why he wanted to have lunch with you? I couldn't make

much sense out of it. Something about wanting to get to know me.

Oh.

By heaven's sakes, Edward, it couldn't be that. Why do... Don't you write these

things down.

I'm pretty sure that's what he said.

Huh. And you're sure he didn't want me to come along as well? No, no. He was

very clear about that. Just me.

Now, doesn't that seem a bit odd?

Well, um, I didn't give it much thought.

Now, you don't suppose... You don't suppose he developed some sort of an

with me and he's trying to forge an alliance with you?

Possibly.

Unbelievable.

Oh, boy, you sacrifice your life for these children, and this is how they

you.

Okay, well, see you later.

And remind him I nearly broke my tailbone giving birth to him.

I'll try to work it in.

Dad, I don't want to talk about Mother's tailbone. I want to talk about you.

All right, but if she asks, I told you. Okay.

This is nice, isn't it? Just you and me?

Do you remember the girl you took to your prom?

Sure.

Well, what was she like?

Nice gal.

Tall gal.

Did you like her?

Yeah. I suppose I liked her well enough.

Did you ever play an instrument?

I took clarinet lessons as a child.

I stopped.

I don't know why.

Clarinet?

Might have been an oboe.

Oboe's night?

No, no, it was a clarinet.

to sleep. No, don't go to sleep. No, no.

Come on, we have a whole night ahead of us. Come on, hang in there with me, big

guy. You can do it.

Oh, I'm so screwed.

Ah, there you are.

Honey, listen, I know how hard you've been working and I'm starting to feel

I'm taking advantage of you. No, no, Abby, you're not.

Are you sure?

Well, finish your thought.

Do you remember Becky who helped take care of you when you were little?

Becky? You mean piggyback ride? Uh -huh. I called her and said she'd love to

help. Oh, that's great. Thank you, Abby.

Thank you, God.

When will she be here? She's here now.

Hi.

What a night.

If they expect me to sleep sitting up, they have got to get me a better chair.

Oh, baby, come on over and have your dinner at Eggplant Lasagna. I hope you

didn't go to too much trouble.

I don't know.

Darman made your dinner. Hey, must be nice having Becky here so you have time

putter around the kitchen.

Just a voice inside my head.

Hey, brought your stuff.

Oh, Jane, thank you so much. Did you remember the cappuccino? Triple shot

grande.

Oh, sweet nectar of the gods.

They don't have coffee here?

Chicory. And can I just tell you something?

Chicory suck.

Chicory dickory suck.

Brought you two chains of the clothes, shampoo. My parents made... their own

shampoo. Does it suck?

I think it's made out of chicory.

Why couldn't Greg bring this stuff over? Because I didn't want a luxury thanks

to being taken advantage of.

You look like hell.

That's weird because I feel like crap.

You're buttoning your shirt wrong.

Yesterday I had a book in my pants all day. Nobody said a word.

You're doing okay?

Yes, I am.

Okay. Try to get some sleep.

I will.

Don't tell Greg.

So, are we going to be doing this lunch thing every day?

No, I just, you know, thought that this was a good way to get to know you

better.

I'm not dying, am I?

Not as far as I know.

Oh, good.

Because I'm thinking of ordering a Reuben.

Would you say that that's your favorite sandwich?

No, not really.

I was thinking, you probably don't know much about me either.

You're not dying, are you?

Fine.

Good. Two Rubens.

For instance, do you remember Christina Parker?

No. She was my girlfriend's senior year of high school.

Okay.

And do you remember that Easter break when I said that I was going camping

some guys?

I think so.

Well, I wasn't completely honest with you about what went on.

Okay, son, I see where you're going here.

Anything that happens when you're young in the woods with a bunch of fellas. I

was with Christina. We spent the weekend in a motel.

Don't you have to make up some story about a girl? No, I just don't. Don't

about it. It's not a story. I was with this girl. Son, we had two boys in my

outfit in Vietnam. They got cut off from the rest of us, spent three weeks alone

in the jungle. When we found them, they had kind of set up house together, if

you know what I mean.

Dad, that's not it. But the war ended. They came back stateside. They both got

married to a couple of nice girls, had families. One of them is a United States

congressman. The other fellow is his personal assistant.

interesting, but I want to talk about you.

Oh, I never did anything like that.

All right.

Whatever it is, I feel no need to apologize.

From the day that you were born, I have done everything humanly possible to be a

good mother, to keep this family together, and if that is not good

frankly, you are one ungrateful young man.

So do you think you could heat up a pot of your chili?

You invite people over? How many?

I don't know, nine or ten.

At the same time?

Well, if there's not enough chili, just make some sandwiches. Nothing fancy.

Hello. We're here.

Hi.

Oh, where's that beautiful baby? I want to see. I want to see. You're going to

show. You're going to show.

Would you look at that beautiful baby?

Such a beautiful name.

But if my mother asks, the C stands for Irving.

I don't know how you do it, Abby. You look terrific.

Oh, thanks, Joyce. I feel good. And you're keeping the house up. My daughter

a baby last year. She's 22 years old. Her house was like a kennel. Oh, I

couldn't live like that.

I still can't get over how wonderful you look. Oh, really?

You know, it's funny, too, because I remember being just exhausted with

I guess it's true what people say. The second one is easier.

Hey, here's a thought.

Maybe the second one is easier because the first one is doing all the damn

Don't look at me like I'm a crazy person. Who has stayed up every night

this baby? Me. Who has changed him, burped him, and dressed him? Me.

My husband.

You know, no matter how much you try to include them, the first one is always a

little child.

Thanks, Ed. That's all I needed to know.

Sure, if I think of anything else, I'll call you.

Bye.

You got nothing.

Darcy broke his heart, still keeps one of her hair ribbons in a cigar box on

desk at work.

He just told you that? Mm -hmm.

Biggest regret?

Not stopping Lena Horne for an autograph in New York in 1956.

Wow.

Favorite color? Sky blue. Favorite song? Do you want a taxi? Favorite band? Do

you want a brass?

Oh, that makes sense.

Biggest fear?

Decapitation.

The piano?

Well, it is a woman on an island who doesn't speak.

I'm sorry, I can't keep my eyes open anymore. Oh, no, go to bed. Good night.

Oh, check out the bottom of page three.

Wait, wait, what does this mean? My dad hailed Kitty after two dates?