Original subtitles

Your responsibility to see that that person gets a hug.

Hey. Hey, I'm glad you made it. Everybody, Greg's going to fill in for

until the baby's born. Sorry I'm late. Oh, it's okay.

Greg, you remember everybody from work?

Marcy from the juice bar? Marcy. Oh.

Dale teaches channeling aggression and cooking for one.

Min teaches beginner's acupuncture, and she just finished a two -year

relationship, so she's looking for a casual sexual thing. Keep your eyes

And Claire, our center fielder, has six kids. Her oldest is in the Navy.

Well, it was either that or due time.

Just a cry for help, Claire. All we take after is rat bastard father.

At least he knew his father.

You know, the other team, I think, is ready to go, so why don't I just... I'll

meet everybody while we play. Okay, good idea. Let's play some softball,

everybody. Kick some butt.

Some of the gang aren't comfortable with that kind of aggression.

I just meant that we should, you know, try our best to win.

We don't win.

What's wrong with that?

Well, it's okay.

Be right.

That's it, honey. Easy out. No batter. No batter.

Time.

Greg, if she can hear you, she's right there.

She's a little chatter. Oh, a little chatter. Hey, nice hat. Looking good.

you been?

That's a chatter. What you're saying is mean. Okay.

Okay. Two outs. Plays it first.

Hey, batter. Looking good. Nice hat. How you been?

Thanks. Celia, did you tell Mr. Montgomery that dinner was at 6 .30?

Montgomery. Did you ask him to repeat it back to you?

He doesn't like that, Mrs. Montgomery.

Maybe he got lost.

Driving home?

Happens to my dad all the time.

One time he went out for Haagen -Dazs. We found him two days later on a

Portuguese fishing boat. Made friends he has to this day.

Well, we'll give him a few more minutes before we...

run down to the docks.

Um, is there anybody on your team who wasn't there today who can, I don't

hit or catch or throw?

Not really. Why? No reason. I was just playing around with some ideas for a

batting order. Now, who was the big bald guy in the leather vest who came to

pick up Ernie after the game? That was Lester, but he prefers to be called Miss

Ross.

Probably a long shot.

Oh, this is just ridiculous. Where could he be?

You know, it's pretty windy out there. Does he keep a kite in his trunk?

All right, we'll just have dinner without him. Come along.

Mrs. Darma.

I know where Mr. Montgomery is, but you mustn't tell anyone.

Okay. He's having a flink.

What's a flink?

A flinke with a woman.

A flinke.

Oh, I know.

I clean his clothes. I empty his pockets.

A woman does these things.

Have you said anything to Kitty?

No. If Mrs. Montgomery finds out, she'll kick him out and then I'm alone with

her.

Mrs. Diamond, you must do something about it. What can I do, Celia?

Remind Mr. Montgomery someone here is going to get hurt. But don't mention me

name.

I'm sure you're not overreacting. Maybe there's another explanation.

You made me love you, I didn't want to do it, I didn't want to... Oh, hi,

You made me love you, and all the time you knew it, I guess you always knew it.

Oh, he's definitely flinking somebody.

Hi, Marcy. Hey, Greg.

Is Dharma around? Oh, no, she had to run an errand. I'm sorry.

It's okay.

I should have stopped her. I'm sorry.

Didn't know I was coming. I know.

I'm sorry.

Why don't I just leave these with you? There's some books I have on baseball

fundamentals that might help the team if, you know, anybody's interested.

Thank you.

I thought you might get a little more enjoyment out of the game, you know, if

you got some of the basics down. Oh, we get a lot of enjoyment out of the game.

I saw.

I don't mean to be critical, Marcy, but I got to tell you, there's a real thrill

in turning a double play or making a diving catch to end the inning.

Or, you know, you come to bat down by a run. It's all up to you. Here comes the

pitch. It looks good. You swing. You feel the sharp crack of the bat hitting

ball. You charge down the first baseline.

Is it out of here? You don't know, so you run like hell. And all you can hear

the pounding of your heart as you round the bases. Here comes the throw from

center field. You dive headfirst into home plate.

Safe!

And next thing you know, you're being held in the air by your teammates, and

once in your life, you're not a social reject hiding behind some wishy -washy,

everybody's a winner crap.

You're the winner, and they're the losers, and you love it!

It's all in the books.

Except for the social reject wishy -washy remark, I'm sorry about that.

No, no, no, we're sorry.

I gotta go.

Oh, no, I'm good.

I'm going to give him a hug.

So, Edward, I guess you're probably wondering why I see you.

Are you and Greg having problems?

Does he know you started drinking in the middle of the day?

Cranberry juice.

Well, he can't get too buzzed off about that, can he?

Edward, someone told me something about someone that may or may not be true.

All right, give me a minute. I'm good at these things.

No, I'm going to have to have more.

If it is true, I want that person to know that I'm there for him or her or

and I won't criticize or judge. On the other hand, if it isn't true, I'm still

there for them, even though there won't really be anything for me to be there

for.

Did you know that a martini made with an onion instead of an olive is a Gibson?

Come on, Edward, you know what I'm talking about.

If you say so.

But listen, I hate to drink and run, but... I'm meeting my lady friend.

What? And do me a favor, don't say anything about it to Kitty. If she finds

she'll put the kibosh on the whole thing and there'll go all my fun.

Can I trade this in for a Gibson, please?

Hey, what are you doing on Sunday?

I was poked into playing on Dartmouth's softball team. We got a big game. I was

hoping I could drag you in as a ringer.

Dartmouth's team? Yeah, I know. I know what you're thinking. It sounds flaky,

but it's in a real league.

Who are you playing? The defending champions.

Which would be?

David's Enchanted Garden.

Ooh, David's Enchanted Garden.

It's a flower shop, and they're 9 -1.

Well, I'd really like to help you out, man, but I got a big touch football game

on Sunday.

We're playing the road company at Kiss Me Kate.

Hey, guys.

This is a nice surprise.

Yeah, well, I was nearby.

How come?

Well, that's the thing of it. I don't know if I should tell you. Tell me what?

Okay, the person I was just with told me something very personal. Now, he or she

didn't specifically say that I shouldn't tell you. But if I tell you, then the

person that he or she said I shouldn't talk to about the thing that I want to

talk to him or her about is probably someone you would feel you would have to

talk to because it affects him or her. And by him or her, I don't mean he or

she. I mean the other person.

Boy, that's a tough one. Tell me about it.

So, do you want to tell me or not?

Well, that's the other part of it. It's possible that the personal thing this

person told me about is none of my business.

As a matter of fact, it's more your business than my business, but it's none

my business to decide if something's your business because it's really their

business.

Whose business?

He or she.

And him or her.

Plus the other one.

I don't know about the other one. And I don't think you should. Then don't tell

me. Okay, bye.

Thea, man, if Jay and I could communicate the way you two do, we'd

married.

Jude, I have no idea what she was talking about.

Yeah, but she didn't throw a pot of hot beans at you.

Yeah, she's a keeper.

Hello, Dharma. Is this a bad time?

Not yet. What's up?

Dharma, there's something I need to talk to you about.

Oh, gee, wish I could, Kitty, but I gotta get over to the field and help

warm up the sheep.

I beg your pardon?

Our softball team, Greg, thought we should have a cool name like the

the Hawks, and there's a series of compromises, and anyway, we're the

Sit down, Dom.

Okay.

I asked Edward where he was the other night, and he insists that he was with

you. Yeah, he was. We had drinks.

Uh -huh.

He said it was dinner.

He was out quite late.

Well... It started out as drinks, and then I said, I'm getting a little

and he said he was too, so we asked for a table, and there was one, and we sat

down at it, and they brought us menus, and we chose something different to eat,

and then they brought them, and they were very tasty, hot at first, so we had

let it cool down, and then we ate it, and then we said, oh, it's getting a

little late, and he agreed, and then I said, see you later, alligator, and he

said, in a while, crocodile, and then we made like a tree and leaved.

So he is seeing another woman. Oh, yeah.

Well, I'm not surprised.

Edward the Berry.

Handsome, powerful man, this sort of thing was bound to happen eventually.

Are you saying you're okay with this?

Oh, darling, these sort of dalliances are fleeting, and frankly, I need some

free time to myself. I'm redoing the upstairs.

Wow.

I was cheated on once, and it made me feel like my whole world was crashing in

on me.

And it wasn't even that serious of a relationship, because I knew he was

to leave eventually when Cirque du Soleil went to Seattle.

Well, my world is certainly not collapsing. Well, that's amazing,

a wreck.

This was only a two -month thing. You and Edward have been together for 30

years.

33 years.

33 years.

I don't understand why.

I mean, we have a problem, but we've been getting along so well lately.

I've stood behind him in the good times, in the bad times.

I bore him a son. You bore him a son.

I tolerated a horrible mother -in -law. Do you have any idea what that's like?

I can imagine it.

Oh, well.

Well, done it, done it.

Time to move up.

So what are you going to do?

I'm going to take him for everything he's worth.

I have all the assets put in my name. He's going to pay for this. Whoa, kitty,

kitty, kitty. Slow down.

Don't you think you should go to Edward and let him know how you feel?

You're right.

I should let him know how I feel.

Whoa, hey.

Give me the bat.

Don't worry. I have enough money to get away with one murder.

Fine.

I'll just run him over with the car.

Take a poke at it.

Strike two.

I'm sorry.

Time.

Listen to me. Here's what I want you to do. The next time that ball comes, I

want you to focus all the anger you have deep inside on that ball. Oh, my.

That ball is everyone who ever put you down, everyone who ever ignored you or

called you a name, every boy who didn't ask you out in high school. I was on the

prom committee, and I didn't even get to go. Yeah, use that. Get mad.

Oh, the scene was under the scene.

And you were really angry at these people, right? No, no, no. It wasn't

fault. It was my fault. I was very shy.

I'm going to need another minute.

So this is where she lives. An apartment.

I should have known.

Too bad you didn't, because then we wouldn't have had to make Celia cry the

we did.

Oh, please, that wasn't real crying. Trust me, I've made her cry.

Come on. What exactly are you hoping to accomplish here?

I want to make Edward rue the day that he was born, to regret each and every

godforsaken moment he has spent on this planet, and to pray for the swift

release of death.

I guess we better feed the meter, then.

Hey, Greg.

Oh, Larry.

Thanks for coming.

I need all the help I can get. I'm here to play.

Honey, are you wearing your cup?

I don't have to wear a cup.

Oh, Larry, you promised.

No one else is wearing one.

I don't believe that. Greg, are you doing anything to protect your genital?

Try to be careful.

Susan, Larry's going to bat for you.

Why? Well, he's our ringer.

What do you know about baseball?

Are you kidding me? I grew up in New York. I lived and breathed baseball when

was a kid.

stickball on the street, Sandlot, Little League.

And when school was out, my old man would take me to Ebbets Field to see the

Brooklyn Dodgers, Jackie Robinson, Pee Wee Reese, Duke Snyder.

Then when the Dodgers left for Los Angeles, I was crushed.

I was betrayed.

And I swore I would never have anything else to do with baseball for the rest of

my life.

Come on, Abby. We're out of here.

find the two of them in bed together. Remember, you just get the one murder.

This is it. Wait.

Are you sure you want to see what's on the other side of that door? Because

you open it, there's no turning back.

I need to know.

B -5.

Edward?

Kitty.

It's not what you think.

Hold on, Kitty. I think that did it for me. Eye 16, bingo!

You're on fire, Eddie.

Thanks. Cash this in for me, will you?

If I have a choice, I want the little radio.

Is that your lady friend?

Yep. That's Ruby.

But I don't understand. What are you doing here?

Oh, who knows how these things start, Kitty.

It was raining one day, I ducked under an awning, and there was Ruby.

We get to talking about life and how much we both like soup.

And then she mentions that she just lost her bridge partner. And next thing you

know, it's Canasta on Tuesday, Bingo on Sunday, and once a month we have Monte

Carlo night.

Oh, for heaven's sakes, Edward, if you want to sit and play card games with

boring old people, we have a country club full of them.

Well, I kind of prefer it here.

Everybody's very quiet and nice, and they have sponge cakes.

Please, let go. Oh, Kitty, that's not the answer.

If this is something Edward enjoys, don't you think you should share it with

him? Oh, no, Dharma, that's not necessary.

Eddie, they don't have the radio. Do you want the salt shakers or the travel

toiletry kit?

Let's have a look, hon.

You see, Kitty, if you drag him away from here, he's just going to go looking

for what he needs someplace else. And maybe it won't be Bingo with Ruby. Maybe

it'll be Mahjong with Sylvia. Or some dark church basement quilting with

Mildred.

And you'll be the one to put the needle in his hand.

Oh, this is ridiculous.

Is it?

Oh, all right.

Edward, if you have some...

inexplicable passion for the inane, I should be able to sit beside you and

endure it.

There's the kibosh.

Sorry I'm late.

Well, you did.

You'll find out.

What'd I miss?

Two and a half hours of misery.

Oh, what's up with you guys? What happened to that sheep's spirit?

I'll tell you what happened. We were getting our butts handed to us in a

sack.

handed to us in a paper sack.

Yeah, but thanks to Toddy Hussle here, now we feel bad about it.

Come on, sheep, it's only 38 to nothing. There's still a lot of baseball left to

play. Right, Greg?

Not really, Marcy.

I'm so sorry.

Honey, you want to go in there and get the last out for us and then come back

and help the gang burn me an effigy?

I'd be honored.

Okay, let's hear a little chatter.

Ah, bite me.

It's enough chatting.

We don't care.

V12.

I was thinking of doing one of the upstairs guest rooms in early American.

Oh, not that colonial reproduction nonsense, but vintage.

Oh, it'll be a lot of weekends at the auctions, but it'll be worth it in the

end.

Oh, 71.

Attention, Edward, you have 070.

I don't know why you bother playing the game if you're not going to pay

attention.

Anyway.