Original subtitles

Anyway, we have this racehorse that won't run, so we thought we could put

out to stud. Turns out he has no interest in the ladies.

Oh, Edward, just say it.

The horse is gay.

The only thing he wants to mount is a production of gypsy.

You know, maybe you're putting too much pressure on him.

I know when Greg's a little skittish, I just have to lighten up on the reins and

back up on the whip.

She's speaking figuratively, and she should stop.

Sorry, I thought I turned it off.

Hello?

Jane, we're in the middle of dinner.

Cornish game hen and little blue potatoes.

Can she call you back?

I understand.

She's working as a shill in a three -card Monty game and she only gets the

break.

Hey, Jane.

Yeah, blue potatoes.

What's up?

I'd love to!

Yeah? I got a snake bite, Kit.

I have to bring lots of cash because I do not want to spend another night in

Mexican jail.

Cool. So then all we need is sunblock and the flight plan of the space shuttle

and we're good to go.

You know, it's not the sauce.

These little guys are blue all the way through.

Um, you know, Jane, I'm in the middle of dinner. I'm going to call you back.

Okay, bye.

Sorry. So what's going on?

Um...

You're serious.

You're gonna...

Sneak out in the middle of a Mexican desert and paint a giant message that

be seen by the space shuttle?

Boy, you can twist anything around and make it sound stupid.

I didn't twist.

Did I just pee five minutes ago?

Yes, you did.

Right on schedule.

Hey, Greg, let me ask you something.

You think an assistant clothing buyer helps the clothing buyer or buys

for assistants?

I don't know, Larry. Dorma, please don't do this. Why not? Because it's

ridiculous and dangerous.

I know.

Well, traditionally, that's enough.

Yeah, hi, I'm calling about your ad in the paper for the university president's

position.

Did this come with health insurance? Because I knocked out my old lady.

Look, I love that you're concerned, but this is the kind of thing I used to do

all the time before I met you, and I miss it. I understand that, and...

Here's where I'm coming from.

You can't go.

I can't go?

Careful, Greg. Remember, when we forbid, it's always for bad.

Obviously, I'm not forbidding her to go. I'm just saying that marriage is about

compromise, and Dharma's compromise in this instance is to not go.

How can you say that? I'm not saying anything. This is how marriage works.

Well, I've got news for you, buddy. This is how marriage doesn't work. You know

what? We'll talk about this later when you're not quite so upset. I'm not

Yes, honey, you are. Don't tell me when I'm upset. I'll tell you when I'm upset.

Obviously, she's upset.

Now, Greg, a relationship isn't about controlling your partner.

Why do I even come out of the bathroom?

I'm looking at your ad where it says, make your own hours.

Do they have to be 60 minutes?

I don't know, Dad. It may be the same thing as the blue tortilla chips.

Can I ask you a favor?

Larry needs a job so he has medical insurance for the baby. Do you think you

could find something for him over there?

Well, yeah, he has skills.

I saw him make a pipe out of a potato once.

No, no, it was a regular potato.

Listen, um, I gotta go. See what you can do?

Thanks, Dad.

Hey. Hey, partner. Can I ask you a question?

Yeah, sure.

Darla and I are having this crazy fight, and I think I need a reality check.

Oh, sure.

Hey, you don't get an extra pair of socks, do you? No.

I guess a fresh pair of underwear is out of the question, huh?

Yes, it is. What happened to your socks?

Beats me. I met this woman in a bar last night. This morning, I wake up in a

parking garage in Oakland without my socks and underwear.

Apparently, I got lucky.

What's your deal?

You know what? You may not be the person to ask about this after all.

Yeah, but I'm all you got.

Starman wants to do this really stupid thing, and I said no. Now, a person has

right to say no to the person he's married to, doesn't he? Wait, what's the

thing? Like a tattoo or something? No, it doesn't matter what it is. I mean,

doesn't have to do it, and I don't want her to do it. Is it more like a

piercing?

It's not important what it is. But it's something painful, right?

It's nothing like that. Wait, so something feels good? Pete, would you

Tastes good? Pete.

I mean, if you dropped it, would it bounce? Stop!

All right.

Whatever it is.

You did the right thing, man, by saying no.

Boundaries? They make women hot.

You know what?

I'm gonna go talk to Darman. Atta boy.

Sure, who's boss?

Ah, that sock on my shoe.

Hey, is Ed around? I'm sorry?

Ed Montgomery, you know, the big cheese, the big kahuna, the big boss.

Mr. Big.

Do you have an appointment?

Nah, but that's okay. We're blood.

You can't go up there without an appointment.

Really? Well, that's a drag.

Well, I guess it's time for my boot heels to be wandering.

Yes, I do.

Sorry. No, no, no. It's okay.

You did the right thing.

You got to watch that guy. He's a loose cannon.

Yeah.

Greg told me about your situation.

Great. So where do you need me?

Sales, marketing, maybe some kind of think tank.

I'd be good at that.

I wake up thinking.

Right now, I'm thinking of a big ball of water.

That's for you. First one's free.

I told Greg all we could offer you is a night security guard.

Night security guard? Yes, you'll be working for Walter here.

Sorry, Walter.

Good class, everybody.

Wake to yoga.

Uh, Evan, Evan, you might want to get a pair of shorts that have some kind of

netting in them. Keep everything organized.

I brought you this.

Let's go Mexico?

Thought it might come in handy.

Thanks.

But I've decided not to go.

Why not?

Because it's really not that important to me. I mean, it'd be a hoot, but if

it's going to make you miserable, then it's just not worth it.

Well, thanks, but I don't want you to not go because of me.

Why not? Because that's not a good reason.

But there's not really any other reason I wouldn't go.

I gave you a half a dozen reasons to not go.

That I'm not going. Fine, as long as you're not not going because of me.

Okay, help me out here. If I go, you're miserable.

If I don't go, you feel guilty. Is there some kind of middle ground I'm not

seeing where you're just a grumpy gus?

How about this? How about I go with you?

Where? To Mexico.

Ain't there a sign in the desert? You, me, all your freaky friends.

Olé.

I don't think that's a good idea. Why not?

Why not?

Take people in a van to Mexico.

You get twitchy when we have to change planes in Phoenix.

No, no, this is right.

We should be doing things together. You try the things I like, I try the things

you like.

Come on, Dharma, this is what marriage is all about.

All right, you know what? You're right. Great, great. Let's do it. Okay, we need

a new travel iron and some bottled water and, oh, why don't I email the auto

club and have them make us up a triptych?

That's a good idea. How do you get us a triptych? Okay, see you later.

Okay, bye.

I really hope a triptych is some kind of tranquilizer.

They're not here yet, huh? No, they're running a little late.

Is that a new... What are you wearing?

It's called a safari vest.

Cute.

38 pockets.

Get where the crab was checked. Oh, I'm sure they're safely tucked away. Come

on, get.

There. Okay, fine. Where's my sinus medication?

There, here we go.

Canada has swapped places. We're going the wrong way, Jane. That's okay, honey.

We're picking up Stewie. And Stewie lives in... Eureka.

Eureka!

Eureka?

Eureka!

Hey, let's do Stewie.

Stewie, Stewie, boo -boo -ee, banana, banana, boo -boo -ee. Wait, wait, wait.

Both fade.

Um, just to be clear, eight people are going hours out of their way to pick up

one guy?

Stewie's actually two guys.

Two guys? Yeah, Dave and Tom. Together, they're Stewie.

Okay, um, still, wouldn't it have been faster for them to... They prefer him.

Him to meet us in San Francisco than for us to go to Eureka.

Eureka!

No sense at all.

We can't even pick you up. Yeah, but I don't live in... Stewie lives.

What I think Greg is trying to say is that although he knows it's all about

journey and that that's what's important, it doesn't hurt to... keep

the goal.

Very quick.

I guess. I'm just saying, you know, that we're going north when we should be

going south, which is, you know, insane.

I'm sorry if the facts bum you out. I just don't think people plan this thing

all. I think you're missing the big picture. The big picture? I'm the only

who sees the big picture. We're going to Mexico to paint a giant sign in the

desert and nowhere in this van do I see a stupid bucket of paint.

Howard Johnson's...

This is going to take forever. We're not even in Ukiah yet.

Ukiah!

So, that's it.

The cleaning crew's gone, the building's empty, and there is nothing for you to

do. So, should I leave? No.

Stay here.

Do nothing.

What if there's a fire? The fire alarm will go off and automatically call the

fire department.

How can it call the fire department if it goes off? Fine, it goes on.

And by on, you mean off?

I probably do.

I'll see you in the morning.

Security log.

9 .02 p .m.

The building is secure.

And quiet.

Really quiet.

Hello!

Hello! Hello!

Hello!

903. Quiet again.

Two cheeseburgers. One cheeseburger with no cheese. One cheeseburger with no

burger. And two hamburgers with cheese.

How many fries?

I could eat about 30.

25.

want a couple? Well, then I'll get 27.

I thought she means how many orders.

No, I don't.

Can I have 57 french fries, please?

Is he this crabby all the time?

You should see him when we had to change planes in Phoenix. I'm not crabby. I'm

just wondering why we didn't eat when we stopped at Howard Johnson's. Because

they didn't have paint.

They don't have paint here either, Einstein.

What are you calling Einstein, Bawana?

Stan?

Easy.

Greg? What?

I know your heart's in the right place, but you're annoying the crap out of

everybody.

You think?

Yeah. You need to try and lighten up.

Go with the flow.

Hello out. Exactly.

But don't use those words.

Sorry, everybody.

We cool?

We cool.

Anybody want anything else?

What? Yeah, ask them if they have any paint. They don't have paint in

restaurants.

Couldn't hurt to ask.

allowed me to make rounds in record time.

It's become strangely hot in here.

Possibilities. One, the air conditioning is on a timer.

Or two, someone has shut off the air, which would mean that I'm not alone.

Question. If I'm not alone, why haven't I seen anyone else in the building?

Answer. Because nobody's here.

For there is someone here, and they're hiding.

Is anybody there?

Dear God, there's someone hiding in here.

Check the elevators.

Jackson?

Mississippi?

You're up with me.

Does he always take this long?

It just seems like a long time because you don't like him.

I don't see why he couldn't use the pickle jar like the rest of us.

I say we leave him.

No, you cannot just leave without him. Why not? He'll be fine. He's got more

crap in that vest than I've got in my whole apartment.

And being different. Or should we all kick off our shoes and do a toe count?

Okay, that was low.

My whole family has 12 toes.

And we're all okay with that.

Right? Just like we're okay that Mary worked on the Dole campaign because she

thought he...

Kang, the tags on the van are expired. In the morning, we should find a DMV.

Wow. So, what do you think? We could call the DMV and make an appointment?

1 a .m.

No sign of my adversary.

But he's out there.

I can feel him.

I need to make preparations for this assault.

For the battle I know is coming.

My survival depends on the resources I can gather here in the field.

I will need to fashion weapons from the materials at hand.

But the greatest weapon I have is my brain.

And with it, I will fashion weapons from the materials at hand.

If you're reading this, it can only mean one thing.

That I'm dead.

Unless I gave it to you and said, hey, read this.

Or I lost it. In that case, please return to Larry Finkelstein, 1421

Lane, Mill Valley, California.

I forgot the zip. They know me there. It'll get them.

So lucky that gas station was open.

Yes, we are.

I told them it was the last one for 40 miles.

Yes, you did.

You know, I don't mean to be critical. I really like your friends.

Certainly go on and on about you.

Wasn't the van right around here?

No.

I think it was over there where our luggage is.

What's our luggage?

Why would they... They weren't really out of gas.

Nope. Man, I thought if I went with you, they wouldn't go through with this.

You knew that they were going to leave me? No!

there were rumblings, but I thought I had Jane and at least one of the Stewies

on your side.

You walked all that way with me knowing that they might ditch us.

Yeah, well, you know, in a marriage you do things together.

Thank you.

You know, I was really trying to go with the flow. I know you were, honey. I

can't think of anything that I did to justify this.

408, according to my GPS.

Sign's wrong.

Can't think of anything, huh?

Oh, you're in awfully early this morning, Mr. Montgomery.

Well, I wanted to check on Finkelstein, see how he did.