Original subtitles

Thank you for lunch, Abby. This is delicious.

Oh, it's my mother's free meat goulash.

Of course, instead of pork, I put in summer squash, and instead of veal, I

eggplant. What's the third meat?

Zucchini. Well, that must bring back memories for you.

Is there any more?

Sure, honey, I've got you some. Abby, you shouldn't be jumping up and down

that. You're pregnant.

Well, thanks, Lear.

It's on the stove, pumpkin.

So, uh, Abby, how have you been feeling?

Great. We just had another ultrasound and everything's terrific.

We're having a little lower back pain, but that's normal.

Have you been doing those yoga stretches I showed you? We tried, but they put

too much pressure on our bladder.

It's our bladder. How about you get up every 20 minutes and empty it?

We're also a little hormonal, so we probably shouldn't talk about this in

of us.

Have we taken our prenatal vitamins today?

No, I think we left them on our bed stand.

Would you get them for me, please?

Your bed stand or my bed stand?

I'll find them.

So do you think he's going to get through this okay?

You know, I actually asked the doctor to give him something to calm him down,

but, well, you know the problem.

Yeah? What problem?

There's not a lot left out there that my dad hasn't filled up the room.

Gabby, look what I found.

Oh, goodness.

Oh, it's your baby bed.

You put a baby in that?

Well, not just like this. First you lay down a banana leaf, and then a nice,

soft layer of moth.

Moth?

I brought it so you don't have to make a new one.

Oh, darn.

Thanks. But you know, we're getting a crib.

A crib?

Why? Yeah, why would you get a crib when your baby can sleep on mulch?

Honey, I count to ten at your parents' house.

You always said cribs were just little jails for babies.

I know.

But, Dharma, I'm getting too old to chase a baby around in the middle of the

night, honey.

I can't tell you how many times I had to crawl under the house to fish this old

rat. I was visiting Fluffy.

Fluffy? That was a feral bobcat or a raccoon.

We could never get close enough to tell.

Sure was. Fluffy, though.

Here you go.

Pillow for your back.

Your reading glasses.

Slippers. And your aromatherapy candle.

You forgot what I asked you for, didn't you?

Oh, come on. It has to be one of these.

Vitamins, Lear. I take them. They don't help.

Crib for the night, a playpen for the day. This kid's going to be under 24

lockdown. You know, there's a whole school of thought that cribs are fine.

You wait. She's going to put him in diapers.

I'm sure she'll use some environmentally correct cloth thing.

Disposable cloth? It doesn't matter. Kids should have free -range tushies.

Are you saying you didn't wear diapers at all?

I was outside a lot. And inside?

Hardwood floors.

Oh, wow.

I don't even know these people anymore. They are not my parents.

Oh, come on. You wore diapers.

Frank, you wear those awful things. You learn to hold it in.

Next thing you know, you're organizing the credit cards in your wallet by

expiration date.

That is not because I wore diapers. I read that in an airline magazine.

I didn't want to cause a big scene with Abby, but I really owe it to this baby

to say something.

If you think about it, it makes perfect sense. If the top card isn't expired,

you know you're in good shape all the way through the night.

Hey, Larry, put Abby on, will you?

Oh, my God, you're kidding. Where?

What?

Okay. Thanks, Larry.

Gotta go. What is it? Your mother is taking my mother to buy a baby monitor

cradle that rocks itself.

Sorry, my mother's a terrible woman.

She doesn't know any better.

Jane, I can't talk now. Kitty's got my mother.

Jane? Greg?

You do know that Dharma just left?

She'll be back.

Well, is there something I can do for you?

Thanks, Greg, but I need some personal advice, and that's not something you're

good at. Okay.

But just for the record, another word for lawyer is counselor.

Uh -huh. Not to blow my own horn. but I was a resident advisor in my college

dorm. You know what?

I probably could use a guy's advice on this. If you like. What's going on?

Well, you know Pete and I are trapped in a hellish, loveless marriage, right?

Sure.

I think it's starting to bother me.

It's not all bad. Good.

Our sex life's actually improved.

Of course, you cuff any guy to a headboard and stick a ball gag in his

he's gonna try a little harder.

Darma call you as soon as she gets back.

A baby leash?

Oh, trust me.

It's a godsend. I never could have handled Gregory without it. Of course,

those days, you had to buy it in a pet store.

Kitty, I don't know.

All right, all right. We'll just put it by the register and I'll see if I can

find the chew toys.

The chew toys?

You know, pacifiers, teething rings, things of that nature.

Hi.

Hey, what are you doing here?

Larry told me you were here, so I thought I'd come and take you home. Come

let's go.

I'm with Kitty. Yes, and we will talk about that in the car.

Quick, I'm double parked.

Dermot. What's going on?

Abby, look around.

This is not you.

Changing tables and jogging strollers and plastic baby tub?

What's wrong with a baby tub?

Dermot, it fits in the bank. You can put it on the counter.

What happened to rain barrels in the backyard?

Or taking a shower with Mom?

It's hard to hold a baby in the shower, Dharma.

So?

Remember how much fun we used to have playing that great sliding game?

Yeah, that wasn't a game. You were slippery and I kept dropping you.

So? There's always a sponge or a dog to land on.

There's fun!

I'm going to do things a little differently this time around, hon.

Why? Well, because that's one of the blessings of having a second child,

You get to learn from the mistakes you made with the first.

Mistakes?

What do you mean, mistakes?

Baby.

Your father and I were a couple of crazy young kids when you were born.

You know? We did a lot of cool stuff, but, Dharma, sometimes I think it's a

miracle that... you're still alive.

You didn't make me six happy. I had a great childhood.

Honey, we let Timothy Leary babysit for you.

He thought, he thought you were twins.

We came home one night and he was like crying his eyes out because a giant

flaming condor flew off as her sister.

Oh, Abby, look at this darling bouncy chair.

Oh, that looks like fun.

Okay, if you think this is better than being dragged behind the back of Dad's

bicycle on a blanket, I can't help you.

You know, Jane and I are trapped in an empty, loveless marriage.

Sure.

But not everything about the marriage stinks. I mean, the sex is great.

If you give her a pair of thigh -high vinyl boots and a hot glue gun, she can

really stamp your passport.

Hey, honey, do you need a hand there? No.

I'm torn, you know.

She bugs the hell out of me.

But on the other hand, you know, I am wearing her underwear.

You know, maybe I should give her a hand. Oh, so you want to talk about this

later? No, no, talk to your wife, not me. When she's angry, she doesn't

Wait till she's in a good mood.

By then, I got a rubber ball in there. Go, go, go.

What's all this?

Abby packed up my old stuff to make room for the baby.

So... These are all your old toys? Yep. The remnants of what I'm told was my

terrible childhood.

Think things have not improved with your mother? She's lost her mind, Greg.

According to her, everything in my childhood was a mistake.

Well, sure. But, you know, you turned out great.

Is that supposed to make me feel better?

No. Why would I want to do that?

There's nothing wrong with the way I was brought up. It's his baby that's going

to have problems.

Didn't you just bought for him a jack -in -the -box? What is a baby?

Maybe you'd like to be surprised?

Fine. But what happened with putting a mouth under a dicky mouth?

I don't know why that went away. Kids don't need stuff like that.

When I was little, I played with homemade blocks and puppets.

Oh, I had this one toy called Shoe Boat.

Shoe Boat? Yeah, it was just a boat, and it was shaped like a shoe, and you

could put people in it, and it had little portholes that looked just like

the laces would go.

out great.

You know, that was all I was going to say. Yeah, honey.

This is a shoe, Greg.

My whole childhood is a big joke, and she let me believe it was wonderful.

Yeah, but you thought it was wonderful, so what difference does it make? The

difference is now I know my mother's a hypocrite. Well, you know, she did some

things that were wrong, and now she's going to do it right. Listen, fix it,

Greg. This hasn't changed the fact that Abby's been lying to me my entire life.

She asked me if this woman doesn't deserve to have another baby. Oh,

don't... All I was going to say, no, Darmai, I don't.

Sounds like a guy with a tennis ball in his mouth hanging up at speed.

Well... Oh, my God, no.

Okay, what hospital?

What is it?

Something's wrong with the baby.

Okay, we're on our way.

Can I get you something to drink?

Soda or something?

I did this, Greg.

Karma, you did not put your mother in the hospital. I said she didn't deserve

have this baby, and look where we are. You were angry, and you said some things

you didn't mean. Everybody does that.

Oh, hey, good.

Abby's okay.

But they don't know yet about the baby.

Can we see her? Not right now.

It's going to be at least a few more hours.

Maybe you guys want to go home and get some sleep, and I'll call you. No, we'll

stay here.

Larry, you need anything?

No, I'm okay.

I'm gonna go sit with her.

Little help, guys?

Whoever's up?

Donna. George.

Hi.

I'm so glad to see you.

How are you?

Still dead, but otherwise, no complaints.

It's been a while.

Three years.

That long?

You lose track on the other side.

There are no clocks.

It's like Vegas.

My mom might lose the baby.

And you think you made this happen?

It feels like it.

Well, if you did, they should put your picture up here on the spinning God

wheel.

Whether I did it or not, I was thinking it.

Because you were angry. My parents let me believe my whole childhood was

wonderful. Maybe it was.

The one that Abby keeps saying is a bunch of mistakes.

Maybe it was. Maybe it was a whole bunch of wonderful mistakes.

You're not helping.

Maybe people who played with boats that were really boats can't talk to dead

Indians.

So what should I do now?

I think I should stay here and pray.

What do you mean by pray?

I don't know. Talk to the universe or God or the great... Spirit, whatever it

is.

So you're having a conversation with the Great Spirit, the maker of all things.

I guess.

And you're doing the talking?

All right.

Also, the machine in the hallway takes a buck and a quarter.

is. Oh, Gregory.

How is she?

Um, I don't know. They're not telling us anything.

Oh.

Oh, Larry.

What's going on? Can't get a straight answer out of any of these quacks.

This one says they have to run more tests. That one says he's just mopping

floor.

I'm sorry.

I bumped my head trying to get Abby into the van.

For all I know, I'm out cold in the driveway with Abby standing over me

Get up, Larry!

Get up!

I'll find a nurse.

Don't worry about me. It's just a little bump.

Unless I'm in the driveway. Then you should send an ambulance.

I'm going to find Dharma.

Hey. Hey.

Have we heard anything?

No. Still waiting for the doctor.

Your parents are here.

Oh, that's really nice.

Thank you very much.

You're a beautiful person, man. Just beautiful.

I'll check back with you later.

Great.

Sorry about the quack remark.

The baby's fine.

Abby's fine.

They still think she can go full term.

And I'm not in the driveway.

You gonna take her home?

No, they wanted to stay for a couple of days just to be on the safe side. Can we

go see her?

Yeah, but they said just one at a time.

Hell of a thing.

Looks like the baby has a pretty strong little heart there.

Just like its sister.

Oh, Dharma.

I'm really going to need your help with this baby.

I know.

No, you don't.

Did your father tell you how I got to the hospital last night?

I just assumed he drove you.

No.

You had to take an ambulance?

Uh -uh.

He drove off without you and you had to take a cab?

I wish.

Don't worry, I'll be there for you.

Hey, buddy.

Hello, Jane.

Pete.

We have something we want to tell you. Forget it. I don't want to hear it.

Whatever it is.

Ball gags, nipple clamps, the popsicle business, just keep it to yourself.

Greg, what's with you? No, I think... What is it?

Well, since you're a big part of helping us come to this decision, we wanted you

to be the first to know.

We're getting a divorce.

You're getting a divorce?

Yeah.

Well, you know we have a loveless marriage.

Sure. Anyway, Greg insisted we talk to each other. And after an hour of that...

We realized we couldn't stand the sound of each other's voices.

Next thing you know... One thing leads to another.

We're getting a divorce!

So tomorrow we're going to have some people over for drinks to celebrate.

Casual. No big deal. Some people will bring gifts.

Do you want to help me throw your stuff out the window? Do I?