Original subtitles

You know what I love most about wine tasting? The free wine?

The spitting. Where else can you go where they actually encourage spitting?

Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania.

Something tells me you didn't spit as much as I did today.

That's because I'm a lady.

Wasn't that tour amazing?

I had no idea that the same grape was used to make Burgundy Chablis and

Frise. Ooh, that's one big -ass grape.

I was also surprised to learn that a wine eat only contains 75 % of the

to carry that name.

I wonder who regulates that. Is it a government thing or a vintner's

or a big corduroy pancake and a hey nonny nonny and that

alligator will snap it to get back in the van.

And that's why Cabernet Sauvignon is more tannic than Merlot.

Whoa.

I know, you'd think it'd be the other way around.

Craig, you definitely want to have kids, right?

What? You want to have kids.

Uh, sure, but when the time's right.

Good.

What brought that on?

I just met our baby.

What are you talking about?

Are you pregnant?

Not yet.

See, that's why you're supposed to spit the wine.

with you two.

Everything's fine.

You're getting along all right.

We're very happy, Mother.

Wait, you've had sex in your driveway.

The point is, we're doing fine. Why do you ask, Mother?

No reason. I'm just making conversation.

Just tell her you're going to stay married so she can go ahead with the

family portrait.

Edward. Mother.

Gregory, I have two years of perfectly good photos of you and that Barbara

you were engaged to. Now, what am I supposed to do with those?

You could paste my face over hers.

I considered it, but I'm afraid your head's too big.

In any event, I booked a wonderful photographer the 14th of next month.

I want everyone in pastel.

Clothing? Preferably.

No,

wait a minute. No, the 14th's no good.

Why not?

That's prime baby -making time. I'll be ripe as a brown banana.

Why do you try to have a baby?

Congratulations. How about that, Grandma?

Didn't you tell them? No, I figured we'd wait till the wrong time here at

dinner.

Well, this is quite a surprise, Gregory.

Well, you know, the timing seems right. We've been married almost three years.

We both love kids. And, you know, now that I'm working for myself, I have a

flexible schedule.

Aren't you going to tell them about my vision of the flying baby?

No.

So, we spent the afternoon in Napa. She had quite a bit to drink.

of a spitter.

Anyway, when we were driving home, I had this beautiful visitation from this

happy, happy soul waiting to be born into our family.

Did you bring any of that wine back?

The point is, this seems like the right time for us to start a family. Which is

probably why that soul chose us.

Anyway, if you want to do the photograph in the afternoon, Greg and I can do a

quick wing -dane -doodle in the morning.

I can just keep my legs up in the air on the drive over.

Okay, then, pastels it is.

Oh, introduction to numerology has been moved from 203 to 206, so explain why

when you get there.

Dharma, I'm going to have to go out and get more ice. Why? What's going on? You

scheduled release your inner caveman next to the women's self -defense class.

We're getting a lot of kick testicles up on the second floor.

I whipped you up a couple of fertility smoothies, his and hers.

Now, I drew little fallopian tubes on yours, so you can pick them up.

Hey, who's this little three -legged guy?

Oh, that's for you.

He's a Polynesian fertility god.

Oh, yeah, now I see. Yeah.

Keep it on my side of the bed so it doesn't intimidate Greg.

Oh, Sarma, isn't it amazing the way the universe works?

My field is going fallow.

Just as yours is being plowed.

Wait a minute.

What are you saying? Are you menopausal?

I am a crone.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, Jane wants to have kids someday.

Although I don't get the sense it's with me.

Hey, I heard about the flying baby.

I think that just arm is the conscious maternal instinct coming out in a dream.

Yeah, sure, sure. You got to think that.

But, you know, logically, it's a good time. You know, we've been married

three years. My practice is starting to take off. I mean, that's not to say that

I'm... Not a little scared, but that's natural. It's a big change for me. Oh,

yeah, I know what you mean.

Hey, buddy, can I ask you a favor? Sure, what do you need? A job.

You quit?

Yeah, yeah.

The boss came in today and he quit me.

Did he say why?

Probably. I don't know. I wasn't listening.

So what do you say, huh?

You and me?

Partners?

No, it's a really small office.

Not like I'm going to be there that much, right?

I think I need some time to think about it.

What's to think about? I'm a stand -up guy.

Bring a lot of class to your organization.

Of course you would.

Here, carry out my coat and act natural, all right?

I was a chicken and you'd take me to a state fair.

Hey, good news. Abby entered menopause.

Oh, well, how about that?

Can we send a card or a fruit basket or an empty fruit basket?

She doesn't want us to make a big deal out of it. We'll just have a little

dinner, burn the menstrual hut, sing the menopause song.

Simple's always best.

Have you, uh...

Have you talked to Jane today?

No, why?

Pete asked me for a job.

Oh, that'll be fun. You two working together like old times.

I said no, I'm not going to hire him.

Why not?

Honey, Pete went to law school in Barbados.

He flunked the bar exam eight times, once because he was so hungover he threw

on it.

He's your friend.

Can't you help him? Can't you make him a better lawyer?

I couldn't make Pete a better lawyer with parts from other lawyers.

Hey. Hey, come on in.

So did Greg tell you what he did to Pete today?

Jane, I'm really sorry about this.

How's Pete doing?

How do you think he's doing? He was fired, he was humiliated by his best

and then when he comes home, I rip him a new one for being such a loser.

Where is he now?

Well, he was... Pretty upset, so he went down to the Indian casino to play pie

gal poker.

Oh, that's nice.

They let him back in the casino.

Anyway, do you think your husband could get off his high horse long enough to

write him a letter of recommendation to Harper Levine?

They offered him a job?

Not yet, but Pete owes Harper a lot of money. I'm sure he'd like to see him

employed.

I'd be happy to. No, Greg, would not. That firm throws a lot of business my

and I'm not going to jeopardize my relationship with them. So why don't we

talk about this alone? There's nothing to talk about.

I'll talk to them.

Thanks, Harvey.

You're a good friend.

I don't want to discuss this. Greg, all she wants is a letter of recommendation.

Which could have a negative impact on my practice, and we can't afford that now

that we're trying to have a baby. Yeah, good.

No, we're trying to have a baby. I'm the one who saw the baby fly by the car.

I'm not writing that letter. You have to. No, I don't. Fine, be a jerk. Now,

come on, let's go.

Where? Hello, we have to have sex.

Oh, can't wait.

Right back at you.

Hey, Greg.

Darm here?

Yeah, she's taking an ovulation test.

I'll never ovulate again.

Congratulations. Now you get to see how the other half lives.

Are you saying I'm becoming a man?

No. No. I just meant... Dormy, your mother's here.

Sorry, Greg.

It's just that all my friends said Cronwood was a time of wisdom and

What a boatload of woo -woo crap that is.

You know, my mother went to see a terrific doctor who really helped her

Helped all of us out, actually.

Are you saying menopause is a disease?

No.

Dharma,

did you hear me?

All right.

There's your fertility herb.

Made him extra strong.

So get on it. I want to be a grandma.

Is she gone? No, it's just not fair.

Oh, come on, Greg. I spent the whole day with her. She threw a potato at me.

She brought us another batch. Oh, good, because the urine stick says I'm good to

go.

Oh, you romantic fool.

Over the lips and through the gums. Look out over them. Here it comes. Karma,

that's getting old. Sorry.

Listen, I know this has gotten a little mechanical, but I just want you to know

that I think you are very sexy, and there's no one else in the whole world

I'd rather make love with.

Hey, you had me at urine stick.

Oh, God, she's back. Okay, I'm not here. No, no, it's your turn.

Hi, Dharma. Oh, thank God.

Did you write a letter of recommendation for me to Harper Levine?

Yeah, Dharma talked me into it.

Oh, I just pointed out that he was being a jerk. He took it from there.

Well, thanks a lot.

Now they got two letters of recommendation from Greg Montgomery.

What? You said you weren't going to do it, so I wrote one for you.

You forged my signature?

Yeah, and then your letter shows up. How do you think that makes me look?

Are you trying to say that this is my fault?

You swore you weren't going to help me, and then you go back on your word.

Your dishonesty has cost me a job.

It's the last time I ask you for a recommendation.

Do you believe that guy?

You should have written it right away.

I shouldn't have written it at all. You know what?

Let's talk about this later. Right now, we have to have sex.

Sex now? Are you kidding? Hey, we've got a baby waiting to be born. Let's get

busy. Tom, I'm not in the mood for sex.

All right, but we're not done with the beef thing.

No, no, no, no. Now it's drooping on the left.

Edward Montgomery, do not crease those pants.

I want to sit down.

You should have thought of that before you put your pants on.

Is that the tie that I picked out for you? I think so.

Look at the flowers and tell me if I would have picked out that tie.

Now, my daughter -in -law is a little gangly, so she's going to need some of

your magic.

Oh, my God!

I told you she'd notice.

My tie goes with them.

You're orange!

Yeah, a little.

See, we've been pounding back my mom's fertility herbs, and I think the last

batch was pretty heavy on the beta carotene. It's actually gotten a lot

Oh, yeah, you should have seen it this morning. We looked like the last two

Cheetos in the bag.

And you were afraid she'd show up in some kind of a wacky hat.

Hey, I hope we're not late. The pastel thing threw us for a loop.

All right, now, if everyone can stand a smidge closer.

We're close enough. Let's get it over with.

Look, Kitty, if Dharma misunderstood and you don't want it in your family

picture, just say the word.

It's fine, Larry. It's not as if anybody's ever going to see any of these

photographs.

So it's more like conceptual art. I can dig that.

I haven't heard anything about my tie in a while.

Abby, are you feeling okay?

Oh, I'm fine.

Does she look pale to you?

Everybody looks pale to me.

No, maybe you should sit down.

Oh, here, take my piece. No, that's not really necessary.

Oh, I didn't crease.

Two post -menopausal crones side by side.

Oh, boy, you're in for a joyride.

Take the damn picture. Okay, everybody, smile.

I'm not menopausal. I'm pregnant.

Oh, Abby, this is so wonderful. The flying baby has landed. I just had the

womb. Oh, yeah.

Now, you're sure you're pregnant?

I saw a doctor this morning.

A real doctor?

Tristan, aren't you excited?

Well, it's a bit of a shock.

I mean, we weren't even trying.

I should hope not.

You're as old as I am.

Almost.

Yeah, that's him all right.

Hiya there. Remember me? You flew by my car.

I just want you to know I'm going to be a great sister.

And I usually don't drink that much.

Wingtip, loafer, penny loafer, boot, cowboy boot, work boot.

Should we do something?

Hiking boot.

Hiking boot.

Ski boot.

Ski ball.

Baseball. Football. Larry, listen to me. You're going to have a baby.

You're going to bring a new life into the world. This is a great thing.

Foosball.

Foosball.

Whiffleball.

Dodgeball.

Fordball. Chryslerball.

I saw a lot of this in the Army.

Combat? No, when the guys would get the local girls pregnant, they'd snap like

dry twigs.

Dry twigs.

Dry rot. Dry mouth.

Dry heaves. Dry run. Dry dock.

Dr. Spock. Mr. Spock. Captain Kirk.

Kirk Douglas.

Douglas Fairbank, fake Alaska.

we can still have a baby.

What baby would we have?

What? Greg, Abby's having the baby.

I understand that, but we could have a different baby.

Who's this baby you're talking about?

Let me start again, Dharma.

Do you want to have a baby?

Absolutely.

Do you want to have one now?

I don't know.

But if another baby flies by, I'm ready.

Oh, sure. That's a given.

But in the meantime, that knife being just us.

Yes, it is.

I love you, orange man.

I love you, too.

Pumpkin.

You want to fool around?

This is nice.

Okay, I'm rested. How about you? The orange thing's kind of working for me.

Oh, Abby, that's wonderful.

Great.

Okay, call me if you need anything.

All right. I love you, too.

Okay, bye.

What did the doctor say?

Abby's doing great.

How about your dad?

Oh, my...

His color's coming back. He's keeping food down. He recognized the mailman

morning. That's good.

Hey, Parker.

Hey, do you mind if we take your car today? Mine's got a boot on it.

He's my friend. He's your friend.

We'll take my car.

You boys have fun.

Hey, buddy, I might have to leave a little early today.

Why? What's going on?

Oh, so that's the way it's going to be, huh?

Have a nice day.