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All language subtitles for Dharma & Greg s03e19 The best laid plans

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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:04,940 --> 00:00:06,320 My precious doubloons. 2 00:00:06,600 --> 00:00:08,880 Come back here, wench. Come on. 3 00:00:10,400 --> 00:00:12,580 Are you okay? 4 00:00:13,040 --> 00:00:15,640 I stubbed my toe. I'm going to take the eye patch off. 5 00:00:15,860 --> 00:00:16,860 Oh, Greg. 6 00:00:17,440 --> 00:00:20,480 Then you're just a naked guy with a stuffed parrot on his shoulder. 7 00:00:20,840 --> 00:00:24,100 Right, all right. I'll put it back on. But you have to slow down. 8 00:00:24,840 --> 00:00:29,100 Okay, but promise on your honor there'll be no monkey business. 9 00:00:29,940 --> 00:00:31,080 Aye, I swear. 10 00:00:41,200 --> 00:00:42,200 you've got there. 11 00:01:16,040 --> 00:01:21,180 Could you drag us to this third world Petri dish? 12 00:01:22,540 --> 00:01:25,780 Be patient. It grows on you. Oh, I'll bet it does. 13 00:01:26,940 --> 00:01:29,140 Couldn't we at least find a clean table? 14 00:01:29,680 --> 00:01:30,680 Not here. 15 00:01:31,900 --> 00:01:34,820 Dama, I think I saw a Board of Health notice out front. 16 00:01:35,240 --> 00:01:36,240 You probably did. 17 00:01:37,740 --> 00:01:39,680 Dama, I cannot possibly stay here. 18 00:01:40,040 --> 00:01:41,040 Hang on. 19 00:01:41,380 --> 00:01:42,720 Hang on for what? 20 00:01:43,060 --> 00:01:44,240 Hey, good afternoon, ladies. 21 00:01:49,340 --> 00:01:50,680 I'm sure they are. 22 00:01:55,240 --> 00:01:56,760 Get back, Loretta. 23 00:01:57,860 --> 00:01:58,860 Stop it. 24 00:01:59,260 --> 00:02:00,440 Still want to leave? 25 00:02:01,040 --> 00:02:02,380 Well, we're here. 26 00:02:04,780 --> 00:02:08,520 Oh, this is bad karma. I'm going to get pinched in Italy. 27 00:02:10,199 --> 00:02:15,120 I must say, I do think it is a bit inappropriate for a group of married 28 00:02:15,120 --> 00:02:16,520 be ogling and, uh... 29 00:02:17,510 --> 00:02:19,270 admittedly magnificent young man. 30 00:02:21,910 --> 00:02:26,650 Kitty, I love Greg, and there will never be anyone else for me. But if I'm not 31 00:02:26,650 --> 00:02:31,150 free to appreciate a handsome man, then I'm not free to appreciate a beautiful 32 00:02:31,150 --> 00:02:33,270 sunset or a magnificent painting. 33 00:02:33,770 --> 00:02:34,990 Or that ass. 34 00:02:35,350 --> 00:02:37,930 Or those arms. 35 00:02:38,370 --> 00:02:43,370 Or those smoky eyes that seem to burn into the depths of your soul as if they 36 00:02:43,370 --> 00:02:46,070 knew exactly what you had been missing all these years. 37 00:02:49,870 --> 00:02:50,870 the ugly truth. 38 00:02:51,590 --> 00:02:54,870 Kitty, is there something you'd like to share with us? Yeah, aren't you getting 39 00:02:54,870 --> 00:02:56,570 everything from Edward you need in the bedroom? 40 00:02:57,330 --> 00:03:00,230 Isn't that a rather personal question, Dharma? Oh, yes. 41 00:03:00,970 --> 00:03:07,850 Well, you might say that after a certain time, the dance does become 42 00:03:07,850 --> 00:03:11,770 routine and one can do the steps in one's sleep. 43 00:03:12,830 --> 00:03:14,630 And to be frank, occasionally one does. 44 00:03:16,110 --> 00:03:19,200 You know, if you're looking for a way to spice things up, maybe... Maybe I can 45 00:03:19,200 --> 00:03:20,200 help you out. 46 00:03:23,020 --> 00:03:28,800 Kitty. I keep a very detailed journal of everything Greg and I do in the sack, 47 00:03:28,880 --> 00:03:30,220 and I'd be happy to lend it to you. 48 00:03:32,060 --> 00:03:35,920 Well, I am right in the middle of Angela's ashes, but as soon as I finish 49 00:03:36,000 --> 00:03:37,320 it will be my next read. 50 00:03:59,440 --> 00:04:01,800 You do know that by souvlaki I meant Greek waiter butt. 51 00:04:02,520 --> 00:04:03,900 I know, I just can't. 52 00:04:04,780 --> 00:04:05,780 What's wrong? 53 00:04:05,960 --> 00:04:07,580 I'm going through my sex journal. 54 00:04:08,480 --> 00:04:11,120 For kidding, crossing out things that might kill Edward. 55 00:04:14,620 --> 00:04:16,339 When I started to notice something. 56 00:04:16,820 --> 00:04:22,400 On the 11th of every month, Greg surprises me in the shower and we have 57 00:04:22,480 --> 00:04:23,480 wonderful sex. 58 00:04:24,000 --> 00:04:25,000 Yeah, so? 59 00:04:25,700 --> 00:04:28,680 Okay, check this out. And this was not easy to figure out. 60 00:04:29,230 --> 00:04:33,750 We have fun with food sex every time there's a space shuttle launch. 61 00:04:36,610 --> 00:04:40,510 Maple syrup, whipped cream, loaf of bread. What did he do with a loaf of 62 00:04:40,690 --> 00:04:41,690 Dharma sandwich. 63 00:04:42,150 --> 00:04:44,490 Don't you see, Jane? There's a pattern here. 64 00:04:44,770 --> 00:04:45,770 Wait a minute. 65 00:04:45,870 --> 00:04:49,630 Everything you guys do is planned out months in advance. I don't plan out sex. 66 00:04:49,690 --> 00:04:50,690 I'm a free -range chicken. 67 00:04:52,070 --> 00:04:55,070 McGreg. Are you going to say something to him? 68 00:04:56,270 --> 00:04:58,670 I can't say anything until I'm absolutely sure. 69 00:04:59,250 --> 00:05:00,370 How are you going to find out? 70 00:05:03,110 --> 00:05:04,190 Hi, it's Jane. 71 00:05:05,610 --> 00:05:06,610 Bye. 72 00:06:40,270 --> 00:06:41,710 Is that fun for you? 73 00:06:42,530 --> 00:06:43,530 Oh, yeah. 74 00:06:43,790 --> 00:06:45,570 You shivered me timbers. 75 00:06:46,610 --> 00:06:49,210 Are you sure? Because you seem like you weren't really into it. 76 00:06:50,430 --> 00:06:53,630 No, no, no. I always loved Pirate Night. Because I can drop the whole very 77 00:06:53,630 --> 00:06:55,770 treasure. No, that's my favorite part. 78 00:06:57,070 --> 00:06:58,070 Okay. 79 00:06:59,350 --> 00:07:02,310 The ex could mark a different spot from time to time. 80 00:07:15,690 --> 00:07:16,710 life is in crisis. 81 00:07:17,290 --> 00:07:19,150 I understand why you're so upset. 82 00:07:19,470 --> 00:07:20,530 Nothing's really changed. 83 00:07:20,870 --> 00:07:21,870 Are you kidding? 84 00:07:22,550 --> 00:07:26,090 How would you feel if you were 99 % sure you were going to have sex on the beach 85 00:07:26,090 --> 00:07:27,090 tonight? 86 00:07:27,310 --> 00:07:28,670 Sweaty. A little nervous. 87 00:07:30,550 --> 00:07:32,790 I'm just saying there's things we're better off not knowing. 88 00:07:33,510 --> 00:07:34,510 Like what? 89 00:07:36,250 --> 00:07:39,930 Like would it ruin it for you if you found out that Stavros was a doctor back 90 00:07:39,930 --> 00:07:42,570 home and he was just working here until he got his American license? 91 00:07:43,090 --> 00:07:44,930 Are you saying Stavros is smart? 92 00:07:45,800 --> 00:07:46,800 He's a surgeon. 93 00:07:47,380 --> 00:07:50,720 You take that back. He's dumb and hunky and you know it. 94 00:07:51,400 --> 00:07:55,600 See, nothing's changed, but now it doesn't work for you, right? 95 00:07:57,740 --> 00:07:59,820 No, it doesn't. Why would you do that? 96 00:08:00,880 --> 00:08:02,460 Just trying to make a point. 97 00:08:04,020 --> 00:08:05,120 Stop, Rose. Come here. 98 00:08:07,880 --> 00:08:10,160 Where is my medulla oblongata? 99 00:08:11,060 --> 00:08:12,060 Coming right up. 100 00:08:28,910 --> 00:08:31,290 is kiss you, Mrs. Johnson. I shouldn't even be doing this. 101 00:08:32,409 --> 00:08:36,250 That's not the way I heard it. The way I heard it, the woman's name was Mrs. 102 00:08:36,370 --> 00:08:37,510 Taylor. Really? 103 00:08:38,650 --> 00:08:39,710 And how'd that one go? 104 00:08:40,630 --> 00:08:45,110 Well, there was this woman, Mrs. Taylor, and she goes to visit her gynecologist. 105 00:08:45,110 --> 00:08:46,950 Would you two stop? It's the same damn joke. 106 00:08:47,990 --> 00:08:48,990 Jiminy Christmas. 107 00:08:49,810 --> 00:08:51,430 What crawled into your pup tent? 108 00:08:52,990 --> 00:08:55,790 You're not still bent out of shape because of that beach, are you? No, I 109 00:08:55,790 --> 00:08:58,330 care about that. I didn't cheat. I said I didn't care. 110 00:08:58,830 --> 00:09:00,370 Well, except I'm 14, but you knew that. 111 00:09:00,590 --> 00:09:01,590 Me? 112 00:09:02,990 --> 00:09:04,430 Where's that ball you lost in the woods? 113 00:09:07,390 --> 00:09:12,510 No, I don't care about the golf. It's Dharma and me. We're just having a 114 00:09:12,510 --> 00:09:14,190 trouble. It's not important. 115 00:09:14,730 --> 00:09:15,730 What kind of trouble? 116 00:09:15,870 --> 00:09:17,030 If your house looks clean. 117 00:09:19,070 --> 00:09:20,350 It's personal, all right? 118 00:09:20,850 --> 00:09:22,330 Ah, the honeymoon's over, huh? 119 00:09:22,810 --> 00:09:26,770 No, we still have sex all the time. It's just the last couple of weeks, it 120 00:09:26,770 --> 00:09:27,770 seems... 121 00:09:28,460 --> 00:09:31,020 Detached. But you still have sex all the time. 122 00:09:31,240 --> 00:09:33,360 Yeah. And your house is still clean. 123 00:09:34,700 --> 00:09:37,360 Can we please not talk about this? Look, son. 124 00:09:38,440 --> 00:09:39,960 I've been married a long time. 125 00:09:40,540 --> 00:09:41,540 To your mother. 126 00:09:42,860 --> 00:09:46,560 And one thing I've learned is that passion comes and goes. 127 00:09:46,860 --> 00:09:49,520 And when it goes, you've got to stay the course. 128 00:09:50,180 --> 00:09:51,180 Stay the course? 129 00:09:51,340 --> 00:09:52,580 Stay the course. 130 00:09:52,860 --> 00:09:56,500 Do your duty as a husband and someday her passion will return. 131 00:09:57,710 --> 00:09:58,810 How long does that take? 132 00:09:59,350 --> 00:10:00,350 I'll let you know. 133 00:10:02,450 --> 00:10:03,450 This is Mrs. 134 00:10:03,490 --> 00:10:04,490 Taylor. 135 00:10:05,410 --> 00:10:06,410 Hi. 136 00:10:11,290 --> 00:10:12,290 Hey. 137 00:10:12,770 --> 00:10:13,770 For you. 138 00:10:15,550 --> 00:10:17,830 Thank you. This is unexpected. 139 00:10:18,350 --> 00:10:19,350 What's the occasion? 140 00:10:19,590 --> 00:10:21,110 No occasion, just because I love you. 141 00:10:22,810 --> 00:10:24,870 Wow, this is so spontaneous. 142 00:10:27,470 --> 00:10:28,990 You know what I was thinking? How would I know what you were thinking? 143 00:10:30,490 --> 00:10:34,290 Why don't we take a little drive, maybe down the coast, get some linguine at 144 00:10:34,290 --> 00:10:35,470 that little place on the pier? 145 00:10:35,810 --> 00:10:36,810 Wouldn't that be nice? 146 00:10:37,690 --> 00:10:38,690 Yeah, it would be. 147 00:10:39,150 --> 00:10:41,730 And maybe afterwards we can take a walk down by the water? 148 00:10:42,450 --> 00:10:43,930 And make love on the beach? 149 00:10:44,190 --> 00:10:46,990 See, you did know what I was thinking. I'll get the blanket. 150 00:10:58,890 --> 00:10:59,890 on the beach? 151 00:10:59,970 --> 00:11:02,410 Mm -hmm. And it was really romantic. 152 00:11:03,430 --> 00:11:05,210 Honey, I'm so sorry. 153 00:11:06,630 --> 00:11:08,430 What should I do, Abby? 154 00:11:08,850 --> 00:11:13,390 Greg has scheduled every moment of our sex life. Well, not honestly, Dharma. 155 00:11:13,710 --> 00:11:16,450 It's not his fault. It's just his nature. 156 00:11:18,110 --> 00:11:19,110 Come on. 157 00:11:19,690 --> 00:11:22,990 Are you telling me Greg is pre -programmed to sip champagne out of my 158 00:11:22,990 --> 00:11:25,070 button every time PBS has a fundraising drive? 159 00:11:27,690 --> 00:11:29,190 Should I say something to him? 160 00:11:30,470 --> 00:11:32,330 What would you tell him? 161 00:11:32,670 --> 00:11:35,950 I don't know. It's hard to get all worked up about a guy sucking on your 162 00:11:35,950 --> 00:11:38,290 when you know he's only doing it because his car got waxed. 163 00:11:39,650 --> 00:11:42,370 Those don't sound like helping words, Dharma. 164 00:11:42,570 --> 00:11:45,850 Well, isn't there anything I can do? Forgive me for suggesting behavior 165 00:11:45,850 --> 00:11:50,470 modification, but maybe there's a way that you could gently sway him from his 166 00:11:50,470 --> 00:11:51,470 schedule. 167 00:11:51,990 --> 00:11:53,030 If that doesn't work. 168 00:12:08,530 --> 00:12:09,530 No, 169 00:12:10,470 --> 00:12:11,670 I can't say anything to him. 170 00:12:13,110 --> 00:12:14,710 I might traumatize him. 171 00:12:15,570 --> 00:12:16,570 I care. 172 00:12:20,010 --> 00:12:22,570 Well, I'm going to try some subtle behavior modification. 173 00:13:00,300 --> 00:13:03,580 Were you, uh, were you cooking something? 174 00:13:04,740 --> 00:13:05,740 No. 175 00:13:10,500 --> 00:13:12,120 Stay the course, son. 176 00:13:12,500 --> 00:13:13,840 Stay the course. 177 00:13:15,360 --> 00:13:16,360 Come here, Gil. 178 00:13:42,340 --> 00:13:45,380 I'm telling you, Pete, I'm doing everything I can, but it just keeps 179 00:13:45,380 --> 00:13:49,640 worse and worse. Last night, I swear she took a bath in sour milk just so I 180 00:13:49,640 --> 00:13:50,640 would leave her alone. 181 00:13:51,960 --> 00:13:52,759 Did you? 182 00:13:52,760 --> 00:13:56,260 Of course not. I love her. I, you know, stayed the course. 183 00:13:59,920 --> 00:14:02,300 Your woman makes love to you every night, and she's just going through the 184 00:14:02,300 --> 00:14:03,880 motions. That can only mean one thing. 185 00:14:04,860 --> 00:14:06,080 She's covering up an affair. 186 00:14:06,340 --> 00:14:07,620 Oh, that's ridiculous. 187 00:14:08,180 --> 00:14:09,180 Yo, buddy. 188 00:14:09,200 --> 00:14:12,940 A guy's wife makes love to him every night, but she's bored from the poke to 189 00:14:12,940 --> 00:14:13,940 smoke. 190 00:14:14,380 --> 00:14:16,020 She's cheating on him. Really? 191 00:14:17,480 --> 00:14:18,479 How about you? 192 00:14:18,480 --> 00:14:22,000 Your wife's doing you every night, but she's bored from the chitty to the bang 193 00:14:22,000 --> 00:14:23,000 -bang. 194 00:14:24,560 --> 00:14:27,780 Sounds like a classic case of marital infidelity. 195 00:14:28,160 --> 00:14:29,160 Thank you. 196 00:14:29,770 --> 00:14:30,770 What do you think? 197 00:14:33,150 --> 00:14:39,150 I'm sorry, 198 00:14:44,310 --> 00:14:47,490 man. I can't believe that. Not Dharma. I'm going home. 199 00:14:59,690 --> 00:15:00,690 it's someone you know. 200 00:15:01,870 --> 00:15:02,870 Thank you. 201 00:15:06,530 --> 00:15:07,690 Sorry, ma. 202 00:15:14,630 --> 00:15:15,630 Hey. 203 00:15:18,290 --> 00:15:19,209 Where you been? 204 00:15:19,210 --> 00:15:22,430 I stopped and had a beer with Pete. Listen, is there anything that you and I 205 00:15:22,430 --> 00:15:23,430 need to talk about? 206 00:15:23,530 --> 00:15:25,730 What do you mean? Come on, something's going on. 207 00:15:26,650 --> 00:15:28,530 You figured out what I've been up to, huh? 208 00:15:29,160 --> 00:15:31,060 I'm not sure. Why don't you tell me? 209 00:15:31,540 --> 00:15:35,260 Look, it's not your fault. I'm the one with the problem. But I'm afraid if I go 210 00:15:35,260 --> 00:15:37,580 over the details with you, it's just going to make you feel worse. 211 00:15:40,080 --> 00:15:42,320 How can you be so casual about this? 212 00:15:42,680 --> 00:15:44,020 It's not the end of the world. 213 00:15:44,380 --> 00:15:46,960 I mean, it's not like it was premeditated. 214 00:15:48,120 --> 00:15:51,240 So we're just supposed to go on like nothing's happening? 215 00:15:51,980 --> 00:15:55,920 Honey, we could talk about this all night, but we both know what's coming 216 00:15:55,960 --> 00:15:57,240 so why don't we just get to it? 217 00:15:58,720 --> 00:15:59,720 Where are you going? 218 00:16:00,160 --> 00:16:01,660 I want you to meet someone. 219 00:16:06,020 --> 00:16:07,920 I can't do this. 220 00:17:16,680 --> 00:17:19,800 every time you get your alumni newsletter, you like to play big man on 221 00:17:19,900 --> 00:17:20,960 and I thought the outfit would help. 222 00:17:23,040 --> 00:17:26,339 How did you know about the newsletter thing? I told you. I figured out your 223 00:17:26,339 --> 00:17:27,339 schedule. 224 00:17:31,020 --> 00:17:33,240 That what's been going on? 225 00:17:33,700 --> 00:17:35,240 Yeah, what did you think had been going on? 226 00:17:36,200 --> 00:17:37,400 Um, nothing. 227 00:17:37,680 --> 00:17:39,820 Or that. I kind of thought it was that. I wasn't sure. 228 00:17:41,680 --> 00:17:44,720 Don't worry. I'll get used to it. I mean, it's not like you were doing it on 229 00:17:44,720 --> 00:17:45,720 purpose. 230 00:17:45,910 --> 00:17:47,470 Wait, you think what I was doing was unconscious? 231 00:17:47,710 --> 00:17:48,970 What do you think I am, some kind of freak? 232 00:17:50,630 --> 00:17:53,130 So you actually sat down one day and made up that schedule? 233 00:17:53,350 --> 00:17:54,670 Oh, God, no. It took weeks. 234 00:17:56,850 --> 00:17:57,850 Why? 235 00:17:59,370 --> 00:18:06,310 Because when we got married, I figured you were, you know, a little more 236 00:18:06,310 --> 00:18:11,650 advanced, maybe, than me. And I had to come up with a way to keep you, you 237 00:18:11,650 --> 00:18:12,970 interested. 238 00:18:16,750 --> 00:18:21,430 Dharma, a guy like me goes out with Allison's and Emily's and Catherine's, 239 00:18:21,430 --> 00:18:24,570 you're a Dharma. It was a little intimidating. 240 00:18:25,610 --> 00:18:27,530 Get out of town, really? 241 00:18:28,190 --> 00:18:29,190 Really. 242 00:18:30,110 --> 00:18:31,110 Wow. 243 00:18:32,150 --> 00:18:33,890 You're killing Emily now. 244 00:18:34,930 --> 00:18:40,770 Listen, I know that I should have given this up a long time ago, but I put a lot 245 00:18:40,770 --> 00:18:43,330 of work into it, and it was kind of doing the job. 246 00:18:47,950 --> 00:18:50,110 Say we toss the math and do a little off -roading. 247 00:18:50,730 --> 00:18:51,730 Absolutely. 248 00:18:53,450 --> 00:18:56,070 But can we start tomorrow? Because that jewelry thing is kind of working for me. 249 00:18:56,170 --> 00:18:57,770 I know. That's a pretty cute job. Oh, yeah. 250 00:18:58,450 --> 00:19:02,070 Do you buy it or rent it? Oh, no. I rented it. Oh, we should buy it. 251 00:19:02,290 --> 00:19:03,370 We'll save money in the long run. 252 00:19:05,690 --> 00:19:08,690 It's in the doctor's office, right? Now, excuse me, gentlemen. I'll have you 253 00:19:08,690 --> 00:19:12,310 know my wife was not having an affair. She was just distracted because she 254 00:19:12,310 --> 00:19:15,090 figured out that I schedule each and every sexual move I make. 255 00:19:24,560 --> 00:19:25,700 I guess we're the idiots, huh? 256 00:19:26,720 --> 00:19:27,720 So anyway, Mrs. 257 00:19:27,880 --> 00:19:28,880 Taylor's up in the store. 258 00:19:32,740 --> 00:19:34,980 Come in. 259 00:19:40,520 --> 00:19:41,520 My, my, my. 260 00:19:42,200 --> 00:19:43,440 I didn't know you delivered. 261 00:19:54,120 --> 00:19:56,340 What do I do? You told me I wasn't allowed to take off the apron. 262 00:19:58,320 --> 00:20:00,120 I also told you not to speak. 263 00:20:01,920 --> 00:20:03,320 Okay. All right. 264 00:20:04,320 --> 00:20:06,680 Do you want me to go out and come back in again? 265 00:20:07,860 --> 00:20:08,860 Kitty. 266 00:20:13,440 --> 00:20:14,440 What? 267 00:20:15,740 --> 00:20:17,800 Am I supposed to have the baklava with me? 268 00:20:31,470 --> 00:20:32,430 I didn't know you delivered 269 00:20:32,430 --> 00:20:42,590 What's 270 00:20:42,590 --> 00:20:43,590 the baklava for? 19522