Original subtitles

Oh, Mrs. Montgomery, you can come in now.

Is he going to be all right, Doc? I feel a little responsible here.

He has a mild hernia.

I'm sure it's nothing you did, Mrs. Montgomery.

Actually, it is. I already told him how it happened, lifting something.

It was me.

See, we were in the shower, so we were both soapy and slippery. He doesn't need

to know this.

Honey, he's a doctor. He needs to know the facts in order to help you.

Anyway, it was Monkey Love Monday, which means you try... You try something new,

so I asked Greg to pick me out. So what about the hernia? Do I wear something,

take something, what? Excuse me.

Hold on a second. Go on. It was soapy and

slippery.

That's pretty much all there was to it.

Oh.

So what do we do here, Doc?

Well, I don't think this is serious enough to require surgery, but you're

to have to avoid any strenuous activity for a couple of weeks. No lifting, no

sex, no golf. No sex?

How would golf hurt it?

What if I was on top, you know, and I was really careful and I did all the

and everything?

What if I got a caddy?

I'm sure you'd be very careful up there on...

top, but if Greg's anything like me during sex, that pelvis has a mind of

own.

Any kind of vigorous motion could aggravate the inguinal canal.

Oh, that sounds bad.

Oh, yeah.

I remember my first hernia. I was single at the time, but I was seeing this

young Filipino woman down at San Bruno, and she was very gentle.

I was an eager beaver, ripped myself from stem to sternum.

Thank you very much, doctor.

Honey, he's a doctor. You need to listen to him.

Yeah, she was quite a gal.

She had a tattoo on her back that showed Lindy landing in Paris.

She moved certain muscles just right she could get the wheels off the ground.

Dharma, they're painkillers. They're good for anything.

Well, I just want to make sure they're the right thing.

See, I feel kind of responsible.

We were having sex in the shower, and he tried to lift me up, and pop, boink,

the weasel.

These will be fine, thank you.

Dharma?

Scott?

Hey!

Oh, I thought that was you.

God, you look great. You too.

It's been great, Greg. This is Scott. I told you about Scott.

We used to go out. Oh, sure.

Nice to meet you. Hi.

Godzilla, that's a lot of condoms.

It looks like a lot. It's only a dozen of them, Fox.

Greg can't have sex right now.

Well, tell him the whole thing.

We were having a little jungle love in the shower. I lifted her up. I got a

slight strain.

A man's got to know his limitations.

How was Afghanistan?

Dirty and dangerous.

I loved it.

What were you doing in Afghanistan?

Well, I travel a lot. I'm a professional tennis player.

I didn't realize there was a tennis tournament in Afghanistan.

It's not televised.

Anyway, I'm moving back to San Francisco.

Well, you know, if you need a place, there's a vacancy in our building,

Craig? I don't think so.

Fleur, you helped him move last weekend. You made him zucchini bread.

Is this a going away present?

Oh, yeah, then. That's vacant.

Why don't you come by tonight?

We'll show you the apartment.

Great. Same old building.

Thanks, darling.

Nice to meet you, Greg. Same here. See you later.

Wouldn't it be perfect if Scott moved in down the hall? Yeah, perfect ending to

the perfect day.

Anyway, I carry a lot of extra cat guts for my tennis rackets. Well, little did

I know I'd be using it to restring Yo -Yo Ma's violin during a private concert

for the Sultan of Brunei.

Hold on, hold on. Yo -Yo Ma plays the cello.

Sure, but when the Sultan wants to hear Devil Went Down to Georgia, you pick up

a fiddle.

So how are you liking the new apartment?

Oh, I love it. It's great. It reminds me of that little condo I had in Beijing.

What were you doing in Beijing?

Teaching table tennis.

To the Chinese, the Chinese are the best ping pong players in the world.

Thank you.

Hi. Hi. Excuse me.

Scott, honey, you said you were going to wash my back. I'm sorry, baby. I'll be

right with you.

Yikes, I completely forgot I left her in the tub.

Greg, do you have any condoms? I'm all out.

Two dozen a week ago.

You're right. It's my own fault.

Thanks for the coffee, neighbor.

We'll see you guys later. See you later, Scott.

I completely forgot how much fun he is. How is it possible that a man his age

could have met all those people, done all those things, been to all those

places? I know.

He'll be so down to earth. It blows your mind, doesn't it?

I need an adjective.

Liar. Uh, that's a noun.

Lying.

Okay, now a noun.

Sure.

Okay, good, let's read it.

I love the holidays.

Every year, Dad goes to the Sultan's Palace and chops down an eight -foot

pathological liar.

Meanwhile, Mom is making up a big batch of lies.

The whole house smells like complete crap.

The highlight is when Dad sneaks into the People's Republic of China dressed

like a tennis pro.

Well, not quite the fun with words promised on the cover. I cannot believe

you buy anything this guy says about himself.

Honey, there's no reason for you to feel threatened by Scott. I am not

threatened by Scott.

Oh, God,

not again.

Okay, you want to play another game? Yes, sure.

We'll play cheese. Here's how it works.

We take turns naming a cheese, and the first person who can't name one loses.

I'll start. Cheddar.

Camembert.

Monster.

Gruyere.

Cheese.

So we were in bed playing cheese, and somewhere around mozzarella, Greg

feeling a little thirsty.

I can't imagine the cheese that would make me frisky.

Although there is something about a nice smoked gouda when you peel back that

brine.

Well, it wasn't just the cheese. My old boyfriend moved in next door and he was

having pretty loud sex. You know, talk, talk, talk, talk.

Can we chat when I'm not flapping in the breeze?

Greg, part of being a good doctor is listening to the patient. Go ahead,

That's pretty much it.

Oh.

Well, listen, son. I know it's hard with the ex around.

I remember one time I wound up at a ski lodge right next door to my ex -wife and

her latest fellow.

I made damn sure they were kept up all night with the sounds of love.

It would have been a little easier if I'd brought a lady friend with me.

And the best part is gravity.

Keeps your kishkis from slipping down into your goody sack.

This is not what I meant by a second opinion.

Hey, Scott.

Hi, sorry to bother you. Do you have any candles I could borrow? Oh, sure.

Uh, scented, okay? Oh, yeah, that'd be great. And maybe some romantic CD, maybe

Marvin Gaye. Sure.

He's just taunting us these days. Come on in, my folks are here.

Oh, hey, Abby!

Larry!

Great to see you. Wow, what you been up to? Hey, still working for Greenpeace?

Greenpeace? It's unbelievable, Greg. Scott takes his dinghy out to the ocean,

and he puts himself right between the Japanese fishing boats and poor

defenseless whales. Really? Why would you characterize that as unbelievable?

Oh, I had to give it up. The Japanese whalers put a price on me.

Oh, no.

It's called a shinjoukai.

A shinjoukai.

I better get going.

I'm running a bath.

Great to see you guys.

Yeah, it's great to see you, Scott.

Later, man.

Oh, what a wonderful human being.

Look, I don't want to be the one to have to say this, but that guy is a complete

fraud. Oh, here we go again. Abby, will you tell him your thing about jealousy?

Okay, okay, but I can't take credit for this. It's actually an old Navajo myth.

One day... I'm not jealous!

Look, here's a listing of every professionally ranked tennis player for

20 years. Scott Kelly is nowhere in here. I'm sure there's a logical

explanation. Of course there is. He can't play under his own name. He has a

Shinjo Kai on his head.

Fine. How about this? I spy...

NBC television, 1965.

Robert Culp plays secret agent Kelly Robinson, who masquerades as a tennis

accompanied by his partner Alexander Scott, played by Bill Cosby. Does any of

this ring a bell?

Sorry, man. The 60s are kind of a blur.

Hi.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I'm looking for Scott Kelly's apartment.

Yeah, just go down the hall and stop when you hear Marvin Gaye.

Thank you.

Looks like the fourth woman Scott's been with this week.

Sixth, and apparently none of them know how to bathe themselves.

Abby, do you think Scott was seeing other women when I went out with him?

say he was faithful?

Constantly. Well, there you are. It must be true, because we know he's not a

liar.

1972, I was in Fresno.

But I didn't have a TV.

Kimberly Scott's such a hound.

Norma, let me explain something to you.

There's an amino acid in the penis which makes men evil.

Scientific fact.

I don't know about that. I mean, do you think Greg is evil?

Greg has a penis.

Ergo, he's in a continual state.

Maybe I'm thinking about this the wrong way.

Maybe Scott's just trying to find the right woman, so he's dating a little. It

doesn't mean he was dishonest with me.

Oh, for the love of Mike!

Honey, are you okay?

Fine.

Anyway, it's really hard for Scott to find a woman. When I met him, he just

his wife in this horrible boating accident.

The finals for the America's Cup, I think.

Honey, are you sure you're okay?

Evil acid reflux.

So who taught you how to pick a lock, the FBI?

Jane.

So, uh, what exactly are we looking for?

Proof that this guy's not what he claims to be.

Like what?

Pictures of him not playing tennis?

Just look for stuff. Bank statements, letters, anything that might tell us who

he really is.

Bingo.

What are you doing?

Star 69.

I'll find out the last person he talked to.

Good thinking.

Hello? Who's this?

No, I asked you first. Who's this?

I know I called you, but I asked you first.

Hang up.

Ah, here we go.

Hello.

You called me this time, pal.

Just look.

Oh, God.

Hey, thanks for helping me out. Oh, no problem.

I see Scott still likes his Turkish coffee.

Well, I think he just misses Istanbul.

So great having him around.

I just wish Greg wasn't threatened by him. Yeah, so does Scott.

This must be fun for you.

Anyway, I'm glad you and I can be friends.

And Greg will come around. I mean, you know, he's just in a lot of pain and

cranky because we're not having any sex.

Tell her why we're not having any sex.

So why aren't you guys having sex?

He'd rather I not talk about it.

Sex is very important to me.

You learn to live without it.

Oh, you must be so tense.

I have a video that starts like this.

I'm just more concerned about Scott and Greg getting along.

Yeah, it'd be great if they did. Then you guys could come to our wedding.

Getting married?

Well, as soon as his wife is declared legally dead. You know, they never found

the body.

Oh, from the boating accident.

What boating accident?

He told me his wife died in a boating accident.

No, he told me she died skiing.

Well, we know one thing. She's good and dead.

That's so weird.

Why would he have lied to you?

Oh, honey.

We'll talk later.

I gotta go apologize to my husband.

Mm -hmm. Mm -hmm. You sure do.

So you and this fellow were both in the closet? Yes.

But not how you think.

Don't be embarrassed about this, Greg.

Don't. I was once young, too.

I had questions.

Desires I couldn't explain.

I remember one late night I was a soldier on guard duty.

The lieutenant came by and said, I'm here to relieve you.

son.

I was confused because my watch wasn't up for another two hours.

Are you finding your way around the neighborhood okay?

Yes, great. Hey, thanks for the tip about the dry cleaner. Oh, no problem.

You know, I spent a little time with Allison today. She seems really nice.

How did your wife die?

I told you that, didn't I? She was a professional skier.

I thought she died in a boating accident.

She did.

Water skiing.

In the America's Cup?

They had a really good lead.

I was just screwing around.

Oh, hey, you're just in time.

What?

Scott's pants are on fire. He's trying to put them out. You want a piece of

action?

Thanks. I don't mind if I do.

You did not use all those condoms.

Greg.

Bigger fish. Okay, I'll just put that aside for now. This whole, uh, I spy

pong yo -yo machinjo crap stops right here. Okay.

Okay, I have been lying to you.

I'm not a professional tennis player.

I've never been married.

My name's not even Scott Kelly.

Oh, really?

Why?

It's called an EPC.

Easily Penetrable Cover.

The idea is you see right through it and dismiss me as a liar.

That way I can continue with my real work as an operative for a government

entity known as the firm.

Look, pal, I worked for the government for ten years. I've never heard of

anything called the firm.

Lucky for you.

Anyway, I'd love to tell you more about it, but I've got to get going. Scott.

David. David.

Michael. Michael!

Whatever. For once, I want you to look me in the eye and tell me the truth.

Dharma, we have a saying at the firm about the truth.

I wish I could share it with you.

It's good that we cleared this up, because I'm going to be leaving soon.

I've been reassigned.

Oh, really? Oh, so what happens now?

Some sort of stealth helicopter flies you off to a top -secret base?

Regular helicopter.

Bunch of guts.

Remember me.

Oh, my God, he's just insane.

I'm glad you brought it up, because I didn't want to be the one to say it.

I can't believe I was such a fool.

You're not a fool.

You're an open, trusting human being.

And that's why I love you.

Thank you.

I still say there's no way he used all those condoms.

You know, I really don't want to wake him. He's still in a lot of pain.

Well, Darmody, that's what we wanted to talk to you about.

Gregory's doctor called us. Why did he call you? He's an old friend of

We were in the service together.

Well,

anyway, he implied that Gregory's latest injury was caused

by... How well do you know his friend?

Pete.

Is this about the thing with them in the closet?

Gregory told you about that?

Oh, yeah.

Well, he was embarrassed, but we don't keep secrets from each other. I mean,

when I think of some of the things Jane and I have done... Really?

I don't approve of what he did, but he had no choice. I just couldn't face the

truth.

So you're telling me that you're fine with Gregory being... gay?

guys dealing with it?

Oh, well, we're fine with it, of course. He's our son and we love him.

This sort of thing is very popular from what I understand.

You know what?

Why don't I go get Greg and let you guys talk to him?

Would it have killed you to play catch with the boy?

You were the one that taught him to dance.

That was one recital and he was fabulous.

Well, apparently he's still fabulous.

Hey, what's up? Simon said you want to talk to me.

Edward.

Son.

Do you want to play catch?