Original subtitles

Shall I wait to my breath on a list of dessert, or do you just want the check?

Just the check.

And some whipped cream to go.

I'm sorry, Greg, but the man was rude.

Forget something?

Oh, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

Here you go.

Thanks. I'll just make an imprint of this on my forehead.

I think he wants cash. I didn't bring any cash. That's him.

That's the man.

Calm down, sir.

We got your wallet. Thanks to this lady right here. Oh, thank you so much.

You're welcome.

I'd like to give you a reward.

Here's your $40.

Thank you.

Here you go.

Was there something wrong with the service?

Not enough running, perhaps?

You could use another can. We eat there a lot.

Thank you.

I'll be right back with your mint.

We were making out at the restaurant, so I was pretty revved up.

Well,

why don't I just write this up as a citizen's arrest?

Cool. Hey, can you put down that I gave Chase and collared the perp?

That's how I'll do it.

Hey,

I have something to ask you.

You and Officer Gorgeous over there, you got something going on?

What do you mean?

I saw the way he looked at you when you slapped those cuffs on that guy. These

are very busy people. Just let them do their job. One moment, sir. How did he

look at me? Like he was wishing that you'd put the cuffs on him.

Really?

We've been partners for two years. He's never even seen me out of this uniform.

Oh, believe me, he has.

Thank you.

Okay, we're all done here.

Listen, if there's anything we can do for you, let us know. We owe you one.

Can you take a peek at your butt and see if Cupid's arrow is sticking in it?

Thanks very much. We should do this again.

Something you can do for me.

Did you know she always wanted to do this? No, but that's not unusual.

What the hell is she doing?

Oh, that's her mean face.

And the whole time, I'm thinking that he dropped his wallet.

me but before we start pinning medals on her did anybody stop to think about the

real thief the one who got away do

you know where he's going with this i think so but i don't want to ruin it for

you the real thief is a system that oppresses individuals and forces them to

steal and the police are the unwitting arm of this oppressive system do you

people get what i'm saying

Any special plans?

No, I don't think so.

Oh, that reminds me.

Now what's going on?

Larry and Dharma are planning my surprise birthday party.

Well, shouldn't you be in there?

No, if I rush right in there, Abby's going to get suspicious.

Dharma, would you, uh...

Show me how your sink works.

Sure, Larry.

I never really liked surprise parties myself.

Then you should have Larry throw you one.

Please let me bake the cake.

Why? Everybody loves my cakes.

Do you remember the cake you cooked for Abby's 40th birthday party?

No.

Neither does anyone else.

Let me bake the cake.

fake mugshot. Oh, cool.

Wow. Oh, beautiful frame. Where did you get that?

We went antiquing. We drove down to Carmel.

Carmel?

Did you stay the night?

You have the right to remain silent.

Oh, you did, didn't you?

Don't, Dharma, don't, don't tease people with guns.

Anything you found here was found without a warrant and is therefore

inadmissible. Unless you do have a warrant, in which case, we're house

It's okay, Larry. These are my friends.

What do you mean, your friends? They're cuffs.

Yeah, and they're my friends.

Larry, please don't make a big deal out of it.

I'm not making a big deal out of it. She wants to betray the values that I

taught her. If she wants to spit in the face of everything I stand for, that's

not a big deal.

Maybe we should go.

No, no. You know what? We should probably go. What's it going to be, Dom?

the people who raised you, who put a roof over your head for 14 of the 18

you lived with us?

Or the enemies of everything they stand for?

Larry, you're wrong about this one. Bill and Ellen are the people.

Fine.

That's it, then.

Let's go, Abby.

Very nice to meet you.

Remember, peace officer begins with peace.

So you, uh, met Owen's parents yet?

You believe this?

Two years I'm driving and then we start sleeping together.

You don't have the guts to drive.

It's cute, you're a couple now.

Stop it, how are we going to be dad?

Not so good. We're not talking.

Anything we can do to help?

Well, do you think you could explain to him that you're not part of a conspiracy

to suppress the masses on behalf of the multinational fascists who secretly rule

the world?

Is that what we do? No wonder we're so tired at the end of the day.

Oh, I know those guys.

Can we pull them over? What for?

Just to screw with them.

You got it.

I didn't do anything.

Hey, switch seats with me.

Where should I catch a ticket?

Because if I get another one, I'm going to lose my license.

Come on, switch with me. I don't even have a license.

Then you've got nothing to lose.

Oh, man, are they switching places?

You know that or the little one's trying to throw the big one out of the car.

Attention seat switchers.

you drive this is great how

do you get any real work done

Still pretty upset, huh?

Well, he's a Taurus, Greg, and his moon's in Capricorn. I don't need to

what that means. No, no.

You certainly don't.

I'll go talk to him. You might want to wait until Mercury's out of retrograde.

I'll take my chances.

Hey.

Hey. What you doing?

Jigsaw puzzle.

Is that Nixon?

Yeah.

Getting on a helicopter after he resigned in Detroit.

I love this puzzle.

Oh, here's somebody's eye.

Yeah, is it shifty? It looks kind of bloodshot. Oh, that's Pat.

Listen, Larry, we need to talk about the situation between you and your

daughter. I have no daughter.

Come on, you don't mean that. Damn right I mean it.

Larry, why is this a problem? You had trouble with me because I worked for the

government. In fact, I think you called me a mindless zombie of the overclass.

Rabbit pitbull of the federales.

Postal workers are mindless zombies of the overclass.

My point is, once you got to know me, you realized I wasn't the enemy. Why

you do the same for Dartmouth's friends? Because they're the police. The steel

toe or the jackboot of the establishment.

given, but the times they are changing, right?

Hey, listen to me, Greg.

You weren't there. You don't know what it was like to protest against an unjust

war and be beaten by sticks and bitten by police dogs and gassed and tagged and

dragged off into jails because your opinions weren't acceptable.

All that happened to you? I think so.

I'm not going to change your mind here.

What about Abby's surprise party?

What about it? Well, how are you and Dharma going to work together if you're

talking to each other? I don't need to talk to Dharma. I can throw a party for

my old lady all by myself.

Okay. I guess I better get going.

Ride.

Tourist.

Listen, Larry, maybe we should call off the party.

Party. I don't know what you're talking about.

Okay, just tell me you're not going to make a scene with Dharma.

Hey, I won't make a scene. I promise you, if anybody ruins your surprise

it won't be me.

Thank you.

A little tough love.

I promise.

Good work today, guys.

Take care. See you, buddy.

Good cop, good cop.

Listen, I was talking to your dad, and believe it or not, some of the stuff he

said kind of made sense.

It was all wrapped up in bumper stickers and T -shirt slogans, but the guy has

been through some stuff. I know, I know. I've heard it all my life.

But he's wrong about Bill and Ellen, and that is all there is to it. But aren't

you the one who's always saying there is no right and wrong, it's a duality, and

dualities are an illusion?

How does that apply?

You tell me. I didn't even know what it means.

Thanks so much for taking me to play miniature golf, Greg. It really made it

special birthday.

You're certainly welcome, Abby. It was fun for me as well.

Surprise!

Where's Dharma? We should talk about that. Be right back.

She's being pretty stubborn.

So she's not coming?

throwing separate parties. Surprise!

Separate parties?

Only one of which, for the record, was a surprise.

Way to go, living room!

Thank you! Thanks, everybody!

Can I have your attention?

The kitchen party is now serving a delightful 1984 Bordeaux.

And Greg, your parents are here.

Honey, isn't this a little silly?

Look closer, Abby. It's insane.

No, it's perfectly reasonable.

Everyone's welcome to go to Larry's party. They just have to get their hands

stamped in order to come back to my party.

Don't be my party.

I'll be right back.

Hold on, Blondie.

You're cool.

This punch is delicious.

You're right. That tastes a little like punch.

Maybe we should call the truth and have just one party.

No, there is another party. No. Yes.

Does that one suck, too?

Come on, you're being childish.

Let's have just one party for everybody.

Fine. In the kitchen. Larry.

We got punch.

We got pretzels.

We can make toast.

But I've got birthday cake, Chinese food, and three kinds of pasta in the

room. Oh.

Yes. Why?

No reason.

Get the camera ready. We're going to be rich.

Hey. Hey.

What a surprise.

We were working, but we just wanted to drop by and give this to Dharma's mom.

Dharma told us how much he liked the antique quilt.

Hey, look who's here.

Hello. Hi.

Hi. Thanks for inviting us. Oh, no problem. Listen.

a little bit of a situation.

Hey!

What the hell are they doing here?

Larry, let's not do this.

No, I want an answer.

I invited them to my party. You invited them to my house.

And the only way cops come into my house is the regular way with a warrant and a

battering ram.

They're not real cops, Fagelstein. Come on, officers.

Take it off. Take it off.

for Abby's sake?

Fine.

Do you want these people in your home?

Well, Larry, they seem so nice.

That's it, then.

My whole family turned against me.

You got short memories, people. Well, you know what?

Larry Finkelstein doesn't forget.

I don't forget the cruelty and the injustice and the cruelty.

Take him in the squad car. Not the squad car.

Mr. Pickleston, let us help you. On three. Ready?

One, two, three.

Passive resistance.

Passive resistance.

Go with your mom and dad. We'll be right behind you.

You'll never take me alive.

Here. Here.

Take my dress. It has magical powers.

I'm so sorry, Dad. I shouldn't have invited Bill and Ellen. No offense,

Okay.

I was just being a big jerk.

No, I'm the one who should be sorry.

I've been so pig -headed.

No offense.

That's okay.

I don't want you to just think of me as a man who stood stubbornly by his

principles, but as a compassionate, loving man.

A man who was open to change and who accepted people who were different than

himself, even though they abused and trampled his rights.

He will be a man.

Larry, you're not dying.

Larry Finkelstein.

Was a family man.

A good provider.

None of your business, Hal.

And now... Oh, Larry.

Did I say something? We've got breathing.

Oh,

that sounds better.

Is it okay for you to eat that? Yeah. As long as your mother

doesn't find out. Hey, what's the matter? Is the boss watching? Load up

onions. Oh, geez.

Larry.

You called me dad when you thought I was going to die.

I know.

It's kind of nice.

You know, if you don't overdo it.

Don't worry.

You'll always be mine, Larry.

Hey, Mr.

Finkelstein, how you feeling?

Much better, thank you.

Turns out it was gas.

Really?

Hey, can you guys do me a favor?

Sure, what do you need?

Come on, Larry, get in the car.

What? Trust me, it'll be worth it.

Edward, are you speeding?

I don't think so.

Well...

Edward, do something.

Here, here, here.

Here's a hundred dollars. Tuck it in your bra and flirt a little.