Original subtitles

Okay, I have an hour and a half to my next class. What can I do?

Thanks, you're a lifesaver. Opposing counsel is burying me. If I don't get

stuff sorted out, I'm going to wind up working all weekend.

Okay, let's get started.

How much time did you say you have?

An hour and a half.

You know, I'm thinking there's probably only about an hour of paperwork here if

we buckle down.

You want to buckle down? I think we have to.

Okay. But afterwards, we do that paper.

All

right,

we've got 12 minutes to get the paperwork done. Whatever you do, don't

buckle down.

This really didn't work out at all, did it?

Actually, in one sense, it worked out very well. We need to get a piece of

furniture at home that's the same height as this desk.

Okay.

I really should hire somebody to help me out here. I just don't have the time.

Why don't you tell me what you're looking for? Maybe I can help you find

someone. Well, it has to be someone with experience who really knows what

they're doing.

Uh -huh. Someone I feel comfortable working closely with.

Yeah.

Someone who can anticipate my needs.

Someone who isn't afraid to keep working until the job is done.

So what you're saying is you need someone who can really buckle down.

Anyway, I thought who better than Greg's former secretary to give me advice

about hiring his new secretary.

Uh -huh. Hang on a sec.

Hit me.

Oh, busted.

Why do I hit on a soft 18?

Cool game.

It's not a game. I'm down 800 bucks to a casino in the Cayman Islands.

Marlene, did you bring in the Porter file?

On my way.

You were saying?

Uh, well, Greg needs a secretary.

All right.

That's not going to be easy. Greg's a regular slave driver.

Really? How so?

Well, for starters, he expects you to come in every morning, Monday through

Friday, rain or shine.

Marlene?

What? The Porter file?

I was at your door. I had to come back to answer the intercom.

Oh, sorry.

Oh, and the littlest things get Greg been out of shape. Like if your cat

in his office.

Marlene? Oh, hi, Dharma. Hey, Pete. There you are. I couldn't find you, so I

the file back in the drawer.

I was in my office.

Are you calling me a liar?

Listen, whatever you do, choose wisely. Because with the laws these days, it's

really hard to fire someone.

Arlene, the Porter file isn't even in here.

Oh, Porter.

You said McLean.

I needed one.

Okay, well, your resume is great. Letters of reference, all excellent.

Let's take a look at your horoscope here.

Oh, you're just a cranky little moon child, aren't you?

Oh, you're obviously very qualified.

Tarot cards were favorable. Remember not to travel over water for a while.

Be kind enough.

Please look out this window and tell me what you see.

Come on.

Well, I see a garbage truck.

Go on.

I see garbage cans.

I see garbage on the street.

I see a dog peeing on a garbage can.

I see ugly disguises.

Okay. I'll let you know.

Thank you.

Okay.

How about this one?

Uh, half full.

And this one?

Also half full.

is going to become overwhelmed on the job and you're going to have to take the

lead. So I need to see you lead.

I'm fully capable of running a legal office.

Maybe, but unless we dance, there's no way for me to know that. Let's go.

Of course you are.

Wow!

You are a natural born leader.

Thank you. I went to an all -girls school. I played the king in A King and

You should put that on your...

kind, which is always really good for Greg.

Half full, half full, half full.

I Ching, tarot, chakras, all very nice.

Good SATs, great resting heart rate.

Still talk to your folks? Oh, yes, every Sunday. And on Thursday nights, I call

bingo at my grandmother's rest home. I love bingo.

Can anybody do that, or do you have to have a grandmother there?

I want to be a legal secretary.

Well, I dropped out of law school so that I could be a fashion model, and I

always, always regretted it. Because, I mean, how exactly does having your

picture taken in your underwear help make the world a better place?

Well, shirt cheers up the guys at Photomat.

So if I could just work for a smart lawyer during the day and then go back

law school at night, and one day, hopefully, I'll be able to fulfill a

dream and practice environmental law.

Wow. Just bank me money. I think I'm in love.

Just a sec. Kim, you are perfect for this job. Can you start tomorrow?

Oh, great.

Great. Hey, can I start at 8, though? Because if I don't meditate from 6 to 7,

am just not centered all day.

Oh, sing it, sister.

Okay,

I'll see you at 8. Thank you so much. You're welcome.

Hi.

Bye -bye. Bye.

What was that all about?

I just hired a new secretary for Greg.

You hired her?

Yeah. Did you happen to...

Yes, I noticed. She used to be a model.

And now she's your husband's secretary?

I'm not going to discriminate against the poor girl just because she's

beautiful. She's the most qualified person for the job.

What's the job? Keeping the blood out of his brain?

I just want you to promise me one thing.

Do not judge her on her appearance.

Of course not.

Okay. She was the most qualified person for the job, and I think if you just

work with her for a little while, you won't even notice.

I'm sure I won't.

Don't stare at her. I think it makes her self -conscious.

I'm fine with it, or the lack of it. Whatever.

Good morning. Good morning.

Greg.

Greg, this is your new secretary, Kim.

Yes.

It is so nice to meet you.

Yes.

but I took the liberty of unpacking all of those boxes of papers. Now I have

them sorted by date and cross -referenced alphabetically.

Now, how do you like your coffee? Cream? Sugar?

Yes.

I mean, you're staring.

Yes.

Can I speak to you for a second?

We're just going to go in there in the work part.

Your office. Yes.

I'm a little confused. What exactly was the thinking there?

I'm sorry, I don't understand.

How could you hire her? What's wrong with her? What's wrong with her? She's

gorgeous. She's pretty.

She's a handsome woman, some might say.

So?

So, I just don't think you want me working with someone like that. I like

think she's great.

You know, she meditates. She does yoga. She can get into positions I can't even

get near. She's so limber.

Is this some kind of test?

Are you saying you don't trust yourself around him? Of course I trust myself.

And I trust you.

But wouldn't it be better if you didn't have to trust me?

Are you listening to yourself?

Kim, come on in.

Here you go.

Thank you.

Hope it's okay.

Hot.

Dharma said that you like it hot.

I think this is going to work out great.

I'll leave you two legal beagles alone. Bye. Bye.

Your wife's very nice.

Thanks. I'm married.

Hey, good boys.

Hey, good day.

Great. Very good day.

How's Kim? Fine.

She's very efficient.

Wow.

I've just been at work all day, where there's no sex, and now I'm home with my

wife.

How was your day?

Started out slow, but it's picking up.

Coming.

Guys.

Did somebody knock?

Sorry to bother you this late, but I was just finishing up at the office and I

noticed these papers I was supposed to get Greg to sign.

You've been at the office the whole time?

Uh -huh, and they have to be postmarked by midnight.

What's going on?

Oh, Mr. Montgomery, I am so sorry. I just completely forgot all about this.

Again, call me Greg.

These are just going across town. We can walk them over tomorrow and still beat

the deadline.

Really? Are you sure?

Because it's all my fault and it's my very first day and I really, really want

to do a good job for you.

Greg, tell her it's okay. It's okay.

Come on in and sit down. I'll make you some tea. Thank you.

Take your coat off.

Greg. What?

Comfort her.

It's going to be okay.

It's going to be all right.

You are such a great guy.

Thank you.

Dharma is really lucky.

Once again, thank you.

Okay. Let's talk about what's really going on. What do you mean?

Well, what are you doing working at the office this late? You should be out

having a good time.

With who?

You're kidding.

No. It's really hard to meet people.

Someone as smart and beautiful as you are? Greg, tell her how beautiful I am.

You're very beautiful.

When was the last time you had sex?

Exactly when we go in here. Just sharing.

Would you believe it's been a year?

No way.

I don't even think I'd know what to do anymore.

It's just like riding a bike. Except the bike has fun too, right Greg?

A whole year?

Be helpful.

Well, Kim, it seems to me that you just need to get out there and meet people.

Go to parties or something.

That's a great idea.

Kim, we have these two tickets to the charity dance at Greg's parents' country

club. It's always swarming with single girls.

Greg will take you.

Really?

What?

We need to find you something really sexy to wear.

Well, I do have this one long red dress. It's kind of low -cut.

Low -cut? That's perfect. Right, Greg?

Thank you so much. Yeah.

Thank you, honey.

Oh, geez. Oh, God, I miss being held by a

man.

I miss Johnny Carson.

I'm so happy you could come with us tonight, Dharma. Yeah, you haven't lived

till you've been to Jamboree Night at the Smothers Brothers Vineyard.

Everyone, let's just hope Greg's secretary meets somebody nice tonight.

I don't mean to be judgmental, but it was making me a little uncomfortable how

she was looking at Greg.

He's her boss. She admires him. And you have no problem with the two of them

being alone together for the evening?

Abby, I chose Greg with all my heart. Sure, but how about with a tight little

unit like that, Kim?

Larry. Not my words. Well, whose words were they?

Hey, look, a cow in the rain.

But you can't wear leather in the rain. Weird.

Kim has been such a big help. Not just for Greg. She took my clothes to the dry

cleaner. She got the car service.

She even gave Pinky and Nunzio a bath.

Well... What's that supposed to mean?

Um, hello, goodbye, peace.

It's like shalom for dogs.

Mom? Dad?

Gregory! Holy smoke.

Secretary Kim. These are my parents, Kitty and Edward.

Well, it's a pleasure to meet you. Well, it's a pleasure to meet you, too. Greg

has told me so many wonderful things about you.

Gregory, could I see you for a minute?

Gregory tells me you're a Vassar girl, too.

You went to Vassar?

Oh, do you know what I miss the most?

Tea in the rose parlor?

Yes!

Now, son, I don't condone this kind of behavior, but from what I understand,

bring your wife to these shindigs and your secretary someplace fun like

Bringing him to this thing was a darned idea.

Well, that's not much of a story, but stick with it.

Consistency is the key.

Come on, Abby. How is that sexist? If a woman were built out of brick, you're

just saying she's sturdy and reliable.

And when you don't have indoor plumbing... Get it off, Larry.

Diamond, maybe you should slow down. I'm trying, but these brakes are a little

mushy.

Tell Kim not to use that mechanic again.

I can't remember the last time that I waltzed.

Gregory, I think someone would like an invitation to dance.

I'll dance with her.

Edward, sit.

Kim, would you care to dance?

I would love to.

Oh, Edward.

Why couldn't Gregory have met her first?

Why couldn't I have met her first?

So that I could have introduced her to Gregory.

I'm trying, I'm trying.

Slow down.

It's just as smooth as brother.

Oh.

that fix gave me some trouble.

Oh, no.

Well, thank God you're okay.

Yeah. Why are you wearing my robe?

Oh, this.

We got caught out in the rain and my things are in the dryer.

Your evening out is in the dryer?

No, of course not. My underwear is in the dryer.

Greg gave me this so I wouldn't have to walk around the house naked.

In the shower.

In the shower?

Yeah. Poor baby just got soaked in a bone.

I guess it all makes sense.

Well, I'm going to go tell them I'm home.

Okay.

Oh, wait.

There's one little thing I have to do first.

back to law school at night, then one day, hopefully, I'll be able to fulfill

lifelong dream and practice environmental law.

How nice.

Well, I still have more people to see, and we'll let you know. Thanks for

in, though.

Um, I'd really like this job.

We have your number.

Okay.

Bye.

Bye -bye.

Ready for lunch?

Just a sec.

I think we'll drop Ted Gordon.

Almost.

Morning, boss.

Marlene, what are you doing here?

Moving on up.

By the way, I gotta leave at two and some judge called.

gold or what can I talk to you for a second