Original subtitles

So what do you want to do for Thanksgiving this year?

over here.

Uh -huh. Or we can peel off our skin and jump into the Great Salt Lake.

Interesting.

Oh! Or we can drill holes in our head and fill our skulls with hungry weasels.

Boy, that's a toughie.

I love the Great Salt Lake, but that's traveling on a holiday.

Okay.

You round up the drill. I'll get the weasel.

We should have little bells right there.

Montgomery table for two?

Well, actually, it's a Montgomery table for six. Six? Why would we be six?

Because I invited our folks to join us. No, really, why six?

Well, if we're not going to have a big family Thanksgiving, I thought we should

break the news to them in a public place so there won't be a loud, ugly scene.

Dharma, you... You planned this whole thing and then sprung it on me? I don't

believe it. Yes, but see how quietly you don't believe it? Works pretty good,

huh? Yeah, but that's not the point.

It is the point.

All right, I see your point.

Listen, you know, as long as we're here, you know that picture I kind of took of

you on the show? Uh -huh.

Well, I kind of accidentally left it at Jane's. Oh, my God.

Uh -huh.

Then she kind of put it on the Internet.

Anything else?

You've got mail.

is that I cannot get my orchids to bloom.

Hey, I'd be happy to bring over a couple of old grow lights, see if we can't get

you back in business.

Oh, you think that would help? Oh, trust Larry, he can grow anything, anywhere.

Ah, well, I would really appreciate that, Larry.

Never figured you for the outdoorsy, green thumb type, Finkelstein? No, no,

strictly indoorsy. You don't want your orchids growing someplace where they can

be spotted by helicopters.

Can I have everyone's attention, please?

I just meant this table right here. But thank you. I appreciate that.

Um, I gathered you all here tonight so we could talk about Thanksgiving.

Thanksgiving. Oh, I remember one time in Vietnam, me and a bunch of the fellas

had a hell of a Thanksgiving dinner.

It wasn't turkey, but we agreed that it was meat, and we were very grateful for

it.

That's a great story, Dad, but I think Dharma wanted to say something.

Sure.

Chewy, but tasty.

And we decided that after last year's incident, we thought it might be... What

was that word you used, honey? Prudent.

Yeah, prudent. It might be prudent if this year we had separate Thanksgiving.

We're not going to be together?

In spirit, but physically, we'll be as far apart from each other as we can

possibly get.

Dharma and I are going to be serving meals at a senior citizen's dinner. I

thought last Thanksgiving went fairly well.

Yeah, I had a good time.

Does this remind you of anything?

Sorry.

But, Darla, we're your tribe. We should celebrate by taking a meal together.

I don't see what the problem is. We're all getting along together now.

Yeah, we're copacetic.

Well, fine. Why don't we just say that this is our Thanksgiving dinner? Right

here, right now. Happy Thanksgiving.

Happy Thanksgiving, everybody.

Well, Lord knows we have done our part to make the holidays pleasant.

Are you saying we don't?

You came to last Thanksgiving dressed as Indians.

We came as Native Americans.

Indians are from India. Those aren't Indians. We're talking about Indians.

You will believe it when he picks up the check. I

volunteered to pick up this check, but forget it now. I suppose that makes you

Native American giver, right?

Reg, and I'll call you right back. Okay, bye.

After what?

Well, Gene invited us to drop by on Thanksgiving and watch a little

What about the senior center?

Well, we don't have to be there till 1, so we could, you know, drop in and watch

a little football and leave when Pete draws that face on his belly and does

Whistling Norman.

Hi.

Guess what I brought you. I'm gonna have to go with a pumpkin.

She brought pumpkin around.

I was right. It's a pumpkin.

Craig, when I was little, I ate a handful of raw pumpkin and I puked it up

the backyard.

And from that vomit, a beautiful vine arose.

And every year, we harvest the pumpkin, we make a pie, and save the seeds for

spring planting.

This little fella is a direct descendant of the pumpkin I threw up when I was

four.

children's book based on it, but the publisher didn't like some of the

illustrations.

Were they the ones with the little girl barfing in the garden?

They didn't say. They just sent me a form letter.

Darn, anyway, since this is the first Thanksgiving that we're not going to

together, I wanted you to have pumpkin. Well, think, Ed.

If you make the pie, save a piece for me. You can have my piece.

Have a good Thanksgiving.

I'll see you, you know, after.

Abby, hold on. Why don't we swing by your parents' house on the way to the

senior center?

I thought we had a plan. I know, but we can stop for a flight to Vomit Pie and

everybody will be... Are you sure? What's the harm?

You are so wonderful.

Tell you what, Abby.

I'll make a pie and I'll bring it by Thursday afternoon. Oh, don't!

Thank you.

I'm so happy.

So am I.

Good. Then I'll see you then. Okay. Okay, remember to save the seeds for

planting. You got it.

Your corn is looking great. Excellent!

You should see that children's book.

Hey,

Theo, is my dad ready?

Before you leave for the Gulf, I want to thank you, Mrs. Karma, for canceling

Thanksgiving. I don't think I can go through another one.

I know how you feel.

I don't think you do. My HMO says I have post -traumatic stress disorder.

I'm sorry.

Anyways, I am making this big Thanksgiving dinner for my mother.

It's her first trip to America.

And I was wondering if maybe you and Mrs. Dahmer can stop by.

I don't know. We've already made plans.

Oh, that's a shame.

I have been telling her about you ever since you were a little boy.

I'm sorry. I wish we could.

You are like a grandson to her.

She has your picture in her kitchen.

Well, I...

I suppose we could find a few minutes to stop by.

Wonderful. Yeah, it might be late.

That's okay.

See you at Thanksgiving.

Hang on.

You're going to Celia's for Thanksgiving?

We're going to drop in for a few minutes.

Boy, your mother's going to be furious when she finds out you're spending

Thanksgiving with the maid's family, not your own. How's she going to find out?

Oh, she'll get it out of me. I'll have a few drinks, she'll ask Calvin's golf,

and I'll say, Greg's eating turkey at the maid's.

So I told my dad we'd stop by for a drink. I didn't see any way out of it.

Okay, okay, we can figure this out.

Well, we have to go to Pete and Jane's. Okay.

So, we'll go to Pete and Jane's first, knock back some cold ones, a little

football, bam, we're out the door. What about your mother?

Okay, so then we run back up here, get a little Ralphie pie out of the oven,

drive over to Abby and Larry's. Hey, here's dessert. Nice to see you. Gotta

So far, so good. Okay.

Then we go over to the senior center where we feed people who are truly...

And then for a study in contrast, we zip over to your folks for a little drinky

-weaky.

My mother takes a cheap shot, you laugh it off.

Bing, bang, boom, we're back in the car and we're over to... Hola, como esta?

Gracias, adios.

And then we are back here faster than you can say, why did we just have the

Thanksgiving dinner with everybody in the first place?

Sounds like a plan to me.

Good, because it's the only one we've got.

Why'd you make such a big breakfast?

Well, the way I see it, this might be our last chance to eat today.

How do you figure?

Well, we'll be lucky to get cheese doodles at Pete and Jane's.

And then we go to Abby and Larry's for a little, uh, vomit pie and pilgrim

bashing.

And at the shelter we're working, and then Kitty and Edward's for drinks and

Dharma bashing.

And then Celia's for coffee and Kitty bashing, and then Thanksgiving.

You know what?

Load me up.

You will thank me.

Hey, happy Thanksgiving!

Hey, guys.

Good morning.

Couple brewskis for the newskis. Yeah.

Hey, Greg, look, cheese doodles. Now, don't fill up on hors d 'oeuvres. We got

real food this year. Oh, that's okay. We had a big breakfast. We're fine.

You sure you don't want to reconsider?

What's all this?

mob case we were prosecuting, the whole Rico thing where they're laundering

money through a chain of restaurants? Yeah, I remember. Open and shut case.

You see, everybody says that, and I don't appreciate it.

Pete, you lost that case?

Not on purpose.

I just forgot.

Anyway, Thanksgiving dinner is courtesy of Uncle Tony's family -style

restaurant.

Oh, wow.

This is incredible. It's so moist.

I tented it.

Wow, that's incredible.

This is something from Uncle Tony.

Our family's got a lot to be thankful for.

I swear, I cried as hard as I could to get the prediction.

I'm sure you did, baby.

We love this guy.

Oh, that was the best meal I've ever had in my entire life.

Did you try the sausage stuffing?

Are you kidding? I was pulling it. out of the bird with my hands.

I asked the guy for the recipe, but he said if he told me, he'd have to whack

me.

So did you get it?

Oh, look at the time. We have to grab the pie and get to your parents. Ah,

you're right. We gotta go.

Want me to help you up? Please.

She's very upset, and she's crying.

She thinks it's her fault that we canceled Thanksgiving dinner.

Because you're a

miniature veterinarian.

We're having real turkey, not tofu.

And it's sad.

Apparently, Abby bought a live turkey, got it drunk, and killed it herself so

that you and I could have a traditional Thanksgiving dinner.

Why did she get it drunk?

No pain.

Who gave him a choice of painkillers?

Well,

honey, it looks like you and I are going to have a traditional Thanksgiving

dinner.

I'm stuffed.

You tell her you don't want to eat it.

I'm sorry.

If you'd had children, you would understand.

looks good.

Thank you, Abby. We're starving.

We also have spinach and beans and sweet potatoes.

And next year, they'll all be growing in the backyard.

Oh, I can't even look at this turkey.

Try looking at the candy jams. Oh, sweet. Soap on a rope.

Hey, Dharma, did I ever thank you for breakfast?

Bite me fast, though.

Sally! Jim!

I'm sorry?

Oh, look.

It's my children, Sally and Jim, come to visit me.

No, I'm Dharma. This is my husband, Greg.

You see, I told you they'd come spend Thanksgiving with me.

I think you're a little confused.

I've missed you so much.

Now, how was the drive from Boston? I don't understand. Jim, our mother is

happy to see us.

Tell her how the drive from Boston went.

Long.

Look how skinny the two of you got.

You should have seen us this morning.

Are you coming to eat with me?

Oh, Mom, we ate before we left Boston. We're full of chowder, Mom. Oh, yeah,

baked beans.

Now, what kind of Thanksgiving dinner is that? Now, you get yourself some turkey

and stuffing and some of the candied yam and come join your mama.

You said my children had just left me here to rot.

We'll be right there, Ma.

Pile it in, Jim. It's a long drive back to Boston.

Don't, Ma.

What?

I'm having trouble breathing.

What's in your belt?

Why, I took my pants off five miles ago.

Pass him back here. Maybe I can squeeze into him.

I doubt it.

We're here.

Oh, Greg, I don't think I can do this.

We're not going to eat. It's just one little drink.

Okay.

Put the top down, flip the car over, because that's the only way you're

me out of here.

Does my mother cook?

How is the turkey?

Well done, mother.

Very well done.

Thank you.

Well, nobody seems to be eating very much.

It just tastes so good, I hate to swallow it.

What possessed you to cook dinner?

Frankly, we have Dharma to thank for this. What? Me? No. Why?

Now, you pointed out that we have forgotten the true meaning of

and I just thought to myself, for once in his life, my son should have a meal

cooked entirely by his very own mother.

And would you believe, this is the first meal that I have cooked by myself in 15

years. Yeah? Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Do you know what that is?

The kitchen timer.

Here, son, let me get you a little something closer to the bone. It's still

frozen.

It's okay.

Oh, that's the mashed potatoes.

It's also your best bet.

Oh, I almost forgot the yams.

Then what the hell is this?

Thank you so much for holding dinner for us. But I have to be honest, we've

already eaten so much today.

I just don't think we can eat another bite, right, Greg?

Yes, the food is wonderful.

That's okay.

We're just honored.

that you're here helping us celebrate our first American Thanksgiving in real

American style.

You think me?