Original subtitles

I'm bringing coffee.

Because he likes coffee.

It's really fluffy.

And it rhymes with coffee.

Hey, Larry, what's up? Can I borrow your boombox?

Oh, sure. What do you need it for? No reason.

I'm not going to do anything bad with it.

Do you still have that catapult you built?

Jane's got it. What do you need a catapult for?

No reason.

See ya.

Did you catch that?

Yeah, I thought so, too.

Lumbering in coffee.

So, uh, what do you think, counselor? Do I have a case? Looks like a slam dunk

to me.

Hi.

He slipped and fell on a wet floor.

The convenience store owner is liable for that. Oh, what convenience store?

The Speedy Mart up the street.

Oh, the one owned by that nice couple from Cambodia.

The wife's a riot. She has a great Seinfeld impression.

Do

you

remember what time this was?

Yeah, a little after 2 a .m., because that's when they kick you out of

O'Shaughnessy's. Were you drinking at O'Shaughnessy's?

No. I was there for the fine Irish cuisine.

Well, excuse me, but if you were drunk when you fell, maybe you shouldn't be

suing Mr. and Mrs. Yerbaugh.

Mr. Marsh, were you drunk?

Nah, not really.

That's why I stopped for a six -pack.

Well, I don't want to judge you here, but don't you think you share

responsibility for slipping and falling?

That's for the court to decide, Dharma. They all apportion responsibility.

But, Greg, if Mr. Marsh doesn't assume responsibility for his life, how is he

going to grow as a human being?

She's got you there.

What about your neck? All the pain and suffering?

Now he's got you.

Sit up straight, head above heart, above hiney.

Good.

Oh, my God, yeah, there's your problem.

The real problem is your life, and as soon as you assume responsibility for

you'll be able to change it.

Do you think I drink too much?

Do you think you drink too much?

Yeah.

I should call Mr.

Veripong and apologize for throwing up in his freezer case.

There's a phone in the living room. Thank you.

Wow.

Understand why you love the law. You really get to help people.

mention that Gregory's in private practice now?

Really?

I'm looking for someone to handle my divorce.

You and Guillermo are getting divorced?

Dumb. Patricia and Guillermo are not married.

Oh. So he's not a tennis pro. He's a tennis pro.

Indiana, hell of a tennis pro. Big strapping fellow.

Anyway. Really improved her game, I noticed right away.

He was an actual tennis pro.

You are a very sexy woman.

Thank you, Guillermo.

And I am a very sexy man.

I'm teaching him English.

Well, bravo.

Mrs. Richfield, I'd be happy to take a look at your case.

Oh, that would be wonderful.

It's really very cut and dried.

Not one of those divorces with messy emotional issues.

Well, stop by and we'll start the paperwork.

What?

I think this worked out marvelously for everyone.

Especially Ralph Richfield. He'll be able to get one of those condos down at

marina.

You are a very sexy man.

Thank you, Geronimo.

Let me give you our address and phone number.

Hello? Am I the only one here concerned that a marriage is ending and there are

no emotional issues?

Yes.

How long were you and Ralph married?

25 years.

Wow, where did you meet him?

At a dance.

He asked you to dance?

No, actually, I had to ask him to dance.

He was so shy.

You fell in love with him right there, huh?

Yeah.

Okay, well, I guess you won't be needing me.

You love clean sheet day? They're all crisp and 100 % dog hair free.

That's it? That's how you celebrate clean sheet day?

You're like the Grinch who stole clean sheet day.

Dharma, I'm reading.

VCR instruction manual?

Uh -huh.

You're mad at me. I'm not mad.

The veins in your temple are pulsing. I'm not mad.

You want to know what's bothering me? I will tell you what's bothering me. Wait.

What's the rule? Dharma. We agreed we don't poison the marital bed with

We're not arguing.

I think we are.

All right.

Okay, go ahead.

I'm trying to start a legal practice, and it's a little difficult when you

fixing my client's problems.

Okay, so these people who come to you, you don't want to help them? Of course I

want to help them, but, you know, in a court of law, with motions and

maneuvering and a shark -like ferociousness masked by boyish good

Boy, you've really thought this through, haven't you?

The girl wrote it in my yearbook.

Okay, I think I get it.

Even though I don't think it's the right kind of help, I should let you help

them.

Yes. Fine.

I'm sorry.

All right, get up. What? What did I say? Why?

I care about people. I care a lot. That's why I got into the law. I use the

to protect people.

I know you do, honey. That was a snide comment. I apologize.

Thank you.

I really respect and admire what you do.

Thank you.

But you have to admit, Greg, in an ideal world, we wouldn't need lawyers. Get

up. Oh!

come to bed.

He's got to pay.

Good neighbors don't resolve their disputes with violence.

I'm not using violence.

I'm using Ted Nugent.

I promised not to be here, but I have to wait for the shower because Pete and

Jane are using it.

Why? Because they like to have sex in the shower, and their hot water's not

working, and it's really tough for Pete when the cold water hits. Got it.

Thank you.

It's funny because she says he's fine in the ocean.

Hi, Mr. Norton. Come on in. This is my wife, Dharma.

Hi. Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you, too. And that is the last you will hear

out of me.

I didn't realize you worked out of your home. Yeah, I have an office down the

hall, but some friends of ours are... Why don't we just have a seat here?

I'm a little nervous. There's a lot of money involved.

Understandable. So, how can I help you?

I want to sue my mother.

Your mother?

See, she forced me to go partners with her in this restaurant.

Forced you?

I can't say no to her, which is why my wife left me.

Anyway, I noticed some discrepancies in the books.

So I went into Mother's room. You live with her?

She lives with me. I see.

In her house.

Anyway, if she needed money, she just could have come to me.

Lord knows I worship the ground that woman walks on. You don't need to sue

mother. You just need to get out of that house and start a life for yourself.

Who knows? Maybe then your wife will come back to you. Cut the damn apron

strings.

But then again, I'm not a lawyer.

She reminds me of Mother.

You're going to be sorry you used all your toilet paper.

Siri, what are you doing?

Nothing.

Hey, thanks for your help, good buddy.

I'll take it from here.

I think this will project a more professional image.

Cute secretary, does she type?

I have to share a bathroom with the dance studio across the hall. It's only

problem after juice break.

All right, well, I just hope this isn't because of me.

Absolutely not. I just need a quiet place without distractions.

There's somebody in there, honey.

Maybe it's a little bit. because of you.

Wow.

These are some really crappy offices.

Did you watch your mouth in front of the ballerina, Pete?

I saw her. That's why I said crappy.

What can I do for you, Pete?

I need a lawyer.

You are a lawyer.

I'm a crappy lawyer.

Why do you need a lawyer?

Nothing in our apartment is working.

I want to sue the landlord.

What?

You promised.

Yes, I did. I'm sorry.

Go ahead, Pete.

Anyway, you know, she won't return any of our calls, so I want to sue her for

.3 million.

How did you arrive at that figure?

Well, the stove doesn't work, so we've had to eat out a lot, you know, and took

cabs. I tip big, you know that.

And the terrible...

Emotional damages. That's the point three. I mean, you know how humiliating

is when you're trying to do it in the shower and the cold water hits you.

Pete, I'm going to refer you to one of my esteemed colleagues.

You want me to get a lawyer out of the yellow page? Or a plumber or a

psychiatrist, whatever you need.

Wait a minute. Pete's not going to be one of your clients? Nope.

Can I have him? Sure, but you have to keep him outside.

Want some biscotti?

I can eat them. Maybe when I can afford new teeth.

Dunk them, you old crybaby.

Now fix our shower.

Jane, no way to talk.

No, no, she's right.

I promised to fix the shower.

I called the plumber, but he no call back.

What about the stove? The stove hasn't worked for three months.

Oh, that's terrible.

I cook for you. What time you eat dinner?

Like 6, 6 .30?

Pete, we left a hundred messages on your machine. You never call us back.

I'm sorry.

I don't know how to work that phone machine.

You press the damn button is how.

Sophia, this is a primo.

I'd be a little late. I have to pick up my new glasses and then I hop on the

cable car and I'm going to come home to you.

My poor primo.

They gave him the wrong glasses.

And when the cable car I'll come here for too soon.

That message is all I ever left of him.

Yeah? Well, if you don't fix our stuff, I erase it. Hey, no.

Nobody is erasing anybody. Now, why do you let me handle this?

Hey, Mrs.

Spinoza, were you going to bring dinner over or should we come back?

Come, come, come. Sit down.

Sit down.

Do you want some tea?

Thank you.

Sugar? Just a little. A

little more.

A little more.

That's too much.

Oh, I hope so. I know.

I'm a terrible landlady. Oh, don't say that.

Well,

let's talk about that. When was the last time you've raised the rent?

Oh, you people are like my own children.

I no can tell anybody I raised the rent.

Well, you don't have to. I'll tell them.

You would do that for me?

Absolutely. Is there anything else you need?

This is too cold.

Hey. Oh, hi, Larry. Come on in.

Well, well, well.

Very fancy.

Thanks.

Desk? Chair?

You got a copying machine?

Just a taste of my neighbor's window.

Right in here.

Whoa. I can't believe you let strangers sit on your toilet.

It's hard to believe.

Just out of curiosity, did your neighbor ask for these pictures?

You bet he did. He destroyed my property, vandalized my home, sprayed

Abby's face.

Oh, my God. Why?

Greg, who knows why crazy people do things?

What do you mean? Well, we could get a restraining order on him for starters

then, you know, maybe sue him for damages.

You think I have a case?

Absolutely. All right.

electrician and someone from the zoo because i think we've got some kind of

super ass living in the basement i swear one asked me for a cigarette that

sounds terrible good luck what do you mean good luck

uh those are the last two here's a stupid question going somewhere

And then I decide a cruise would be a lot more fun.

But I promised all of the tenants that everything would be taken care of.

Madonna, they're gonna be mad.

Over the zinnias, through the shrubs.

Look out, hot tub.

Here it comes.

It worked.

It worked.

What's going on?

You want to know what's going on? I'll tell you what's going on. That jackass

counter -threwed me. That's okay. I expected that. We'll still win. You

done anything.

You didn't do anything, did you, Larry?

I want to talk to my lawyer before I say anything.

I am your lawyer. What is that thing?

Who said it was the catapult?

Larry, have you seen my laundry soap?

What do you mean?

I mean I bought a 20 -pound box of laundry soap from the co -op and I can't

it.

I'm sure it'll turn up.

Larry, 20 pounds of laundry soap doesn't just fly away.

It might. We don't know that.

Am I missing something here?

Please tell me it didn't catapult.

You didn't tell me that your neighbor was your uncle? He's my uncle, and he

flooded my Y2K shelter.

You have a Y2K shelter?

Not anymore.

He flooded your shelter because you tapped into his phone line.

How can it be his phone line when it was in my backyard?

Why did you tap into his phone line? I wanted a phone in my shelter. I can't

believe you didn't tell me any of this. Well, you seem so excited about having a

case. I didn't want to ruin it for you.

So what's our next move?

I'm one of our neighbors.

Why do you have soap on your shoes?

I was over at your folks. I met your great -uncle Herb. Oh.

He doesn't like your father. Yeah, that goes way back.

I can't believe I'm going to take up the court time because two bucket heads

can't talk to each other.

Well, at least you're not Grandma Geppetto's little sucker puppet.

Can I interest you in a tenant -landlord case?

Require some shark -like ferociousness? Sure.

How about a long -standing family feud between a couple of lunatics? Oh, I love

these. Come on, we'll get started in the morning.