Original subtitles

88, 89, this is making me horny, 91, 92, we're definitely taking this home, 93,

94. Darma, have you seen your father? No, why?

Oh, you'll find out if it's a surprise.

Carl, have you seen Larry?

Larry's not here, man.

Hey, Darma.

Hey, Carl.

Greg, this is my dad's friend, Carl. Carl, this is my husband, Greg. Nice to

meet you.

Nice to meet you. This is my father's name. You can call me Carl.

Hey, can I get everybody's attention?

Yeah, yeah. We have a little announcement here.

Gather around, Dorma. Come here. Hey, can someone shut up the music?

For the last 30 years, I've been lucky to have this beautiful lady lay across

big brass bed.

And I've been blessed to spend my life gazing into these kaleidoscope eyes.

Are you going to start singing?

Gosh, I hope so.

So, to commemorate the anniversary of the day we first met... And the second

time we slept together... A week from Tuesday, we're getting married!

This is so awesome! My parents are getting hit!

Wow, you sure you two crazy kids aren't rushing into anything?

That was my concern.

No, we've given this a lot of thought. So it's a week from Tuesday, 1 o 'clock,

San Francisco City Hall.

I can't just go get married at City Hall. You have to let me throw you a big

wedding with all your friends. Right, guys?

Yeah!

Donna, are you sure you don't want to think about this? Throwing a wedding can

be hard.

What's so hard, Greg? It's just Abby and Larry. It'll be totally cash, right?

Totally. Although the food would have to be vegan. And some of the gang knows

lacto -ovo. And some are kosher.

Kosher vegan.

And you know what might be nice?

If all the guests were on horseback on the beach in the rain.

Ooh, and Abby and I emerged from the ocean like citizens of Atlantis wearing

wedding clothes made of kelp.

Cigarette totally cash.

Hey, I can eat kelp, man.

are kinky and elegant.

But I think we need wedding favors that are more symbolic of Abby and Larry's

spiritual and physical coming together.

How about little personal vibrators?

I don't think so. You give 100 people at a wedding vibrators and you're never

going to hear the band.

How about these? These are always a big hit, you know. Oh, those are cute.

Hey, Abby, what about assorted marzipan genitals?

Oh, Beth Adler gave those out at her parents' 50th.

What was wrong with my idea?

Larry, we've been through this. There's no way Lily can put a picture of you and

Abby on a gross of condoms by next weekend.

Shoot.

Hey, look who's here.

Oh, dear Lord.

Jimmy!

What a surprise!

Yes, well, we weren't actually coming to this door.

No, no, no. Edward, um, he needed change for the meter.

Uh -oh. There's meters there?

Yes. Could you hold this?

Yes.

Kitty, guess what? Larry and I are getting married.

And they're registered here. Hint, hint, need to go through sugar -free candy

panties like there's no tomorrow.

Hey, Lily, can my mother -in -law have just a little taste of some of your

panties? Sure.

Hey, this was Kitty's idea.

She's going crackers since the change.

Don't be embarrassed, then. In a monogamous deal like yours, you need a

of D batteries to keep things humming.

Please, you've got the same raw monogamous deal I've got. No, sir.

Abby and I have an open relationship. And starting next week, we're going to

have an open marriage.

You're getting married?

Open married.

I'll still be a free man.

Oh, bull squirt.

Oh, yeah?

Hey, Abby?

Do we have an open relationship?

Yes, Larry.

See?

You've been with other women?

Hey, that's not the point.

The point is, out of millions of women that I could sleep with every day, I'd

choose Abby. You couldn't get lucky if you were a chocolate -covered

with a fistful of new shoes.

Really? Really.

Here, watch a little unrepressed sexuality at work.

Excuse me.

I'm on a magical mystery tour. Would you like to hop on board?

this number if you want a hot meal in bed for the night.

God bless you.

Score.

How many condoms have you done? I don't know, about a hundred. What do you

think?

That's my parent.

On a condom.

Let's start filling that fertility piñata.

Why couldn't we just get a regular donkey piñata?

But she's fine with whooping on the fat chick here.

Hey. Hey, Larry, come on in. You remember Carl?

I certainly do.

Is Greg around?

I need to ask him something. No, he went for a walk in the park.

Oh, cool.

Where?

The park.

Hey, Dorm, I'm hungry. You got a kitchen or something?

Try over there, Carl.

Abby wanted me to tell you, she loved the wedding invitation.

Oh, great, finally.

Just one thing?

Where it says sunset on the beach? She wants it to be sunrise on the beach.

We can't do that, Larry.

Why? It's just changing one word. How hard is that?

Because we're in California, and if you want the sun to rise on the beach, we

have to go to New Jersey or get the Earth to spin in a different direction.

Either way, you're the boss.

Is Greg around?

Jay?

Harry went to the park.

Hey, that's where we're going.

Come on.

Hey, just a minute, man.

Look, if you hold this condom upside down, man, it kind of looks like you and

Abby.

Yeah, I know.

Whoa, look, there's another one.

Hey, there's another one.

Well, this is starting to freak me out, man.

Come on, buddy.

Well, look, now they're looking like puppies, man.

Listen, I know you're not a lawyer anymore, but I was hoping you could help

out with a small legal problem. I don't know. What is it?

I don't exist.

Isn't that more of a self -esteem problem?

No, man, he's off the grid.

Listen, I never wanted the man to know where I was, so I don't have a driver's

license, a social security number, or one of those library cards.

That's how they find you.

And they won't give you a marriage license?

Without an ID.

Tricky bastards.

Well, this is no problem. We'll just get a copy of your birth certificate. We

need to know where you were born.

Don't panic, man.

Okay, we met in Fresno in 68.

Where were you before that?

Darla, what are you doing?

Oh, I'm going with Jane and Abby to scout some locations for the wedding.

Now? It's three in the morning.

Well, we have to find some place that looks good at sunrise, otherwise we're

flying everybody to Atlantic City.

Consider turning the Earth the other way?

I came up.

Is there any part of this that I can help you with? I'm not doing anything

important these days.

What? Not doing anything important?

You are undergoing an enormous personal transformation.

Yeah, but that still leaves my days pretty much free.

Well, you need this time for yourself.

Yeah, but I... Oh, yeah, but how do you... have the courage to quit being a

lawyer and find out who you really are that's you you should be very proud of

yourself i know i am thank you you're welcome don't worry about my parents

wedding i'm on top of it good luck thank you

to pick up some doves Abby doesn't want. Make sure he gives you a receipt.

Got it.

Here, Bertie.

Here you go. One official birth certificate for Myron Lawrence

Wow. That was fast.

Thanks. Would have been faster if I'd known Larry was your middle name.

Myron's not something you brag about.

Myron.

See?

You're great. Listen, I got a legal problem myself.

Well, I'm not really practicing law, Carl.

See, I wrote this shit song a couple years ago, and I'm pretty sure I do some

royalties, man. Really?

What song?

That's what I need you to find out.

Here I come!

Look out for me!

Well,

what do you think, Abby?

I don't know.

It looks a little claustrophobic down there.

It's a canyon, Abby.

You asked for a canyon.

Canyon.

Let's find one that's not quite so closed in.

Jane, we're coming back up.

Isn't it beautiful?

Yep. Okay, good. So, Jane will push the tape player on, and then you and Larry

will walk down the aisle. Wait a minute, Dharma.

You're just going to play a tape? Isn't that a little tacky?

Abby, we auditioned a dozen different singers. You didn't like any of them.

Well, because nobody sings it like Kenny Loggins.

Okay. Well, why don't we get a different song, then?

No, but, Dharma, that's our song.

Okay, but if I can't play it on the tape player and you don't want anyone else

to sing it, what exactly am I supposed to do, Abby?

You'll think of something.

Sweetie, you're very good at this.

Wonderful.

Thank you so much.

You want Pooh Corner or something? No.

We're just so honored that you're willing to do this. Yes, we certainly

This is Kenny Loggins.

This is the guy who wrote the song.

This is the guy who could have had me arrested when his dog pinned me in his

backyard.

This is the guy, for reasons I still don't understand, is sitting in my

room while we argue about whether or not he's going to sing at your wedding?

I'm sorry, you want me to leave the room?

Just give us one second.

Darn it, it's supposed to be my day, and no offense, Kenny, but when I walk...

down the aisle, everybody's going to be looking at you.

She's right, you know, that's why you've got to stop playing weddings when you

get famous.

I'll kind of do it again one time.

Maybe you should just wait out in the hall for just one second.

and my monkeys are being evicted for no good reason.

Uh -huh.

Here you go.

California Code of Civil Procedure. Thanks.

Don't you hate phonies? What a turn -off, huh?

You have to promise me that you won't tell Dharma what I'm doing.

Well, I understand.

The last thing a wife wants to hear is that her bum husband got his ass off the

couch and is practicing law.

She thinks I'm on this voyage of self -discovery.

my monkeys are potty trained.

That's good. And two of them can read your thoughts.

Hey, Greg, I've been thinking about my buddy's case here, man.

Doesn't the landlord's failure to exercise the no pet clause in a timely

constitute a de facto waiver of the provision?

It probably does. How did you know that?

I went to law school, man.

Mates will come down the aisle, throwing the rose petals from within their

bosoms, signifying the nourishing bounty of Mother Earth. Dama, I don't feel

comfortable with that. All right, Kitty, listen.

My mother feels very strongly that your participation in this will help heal the

divisions in our family and strengthen our spiritual waduda.

Would it kill you to yank some tulip out of your tatas?

Now, the giant lotus blossom will open, and then music, music, music.

Larry Finkel Dean. What? What did I do?

And then the single women will beat the fertility pinata with sticks, whack,

whack, whack, showering the guests with condoms.

You're making a mockery out of this whole ceremony.

You shouldn't have said it if you didn't mean it.

I'm sorry, where was I?

The guests were diving for rubbers.

Right.

Donna,

Donna, maybe we should call off the rehearsal.

Your mother's pretty upset.

I don't know.

Must be jitters.

Because she's making a big deal because I brought a date.

You brought a date to your wedding rehearsal?

Uh -huh.

Told you we had an open relationship. Hey, Ginger.

Hi, sweetie.

I'm on the clock. Are you going to want another hour?

Larry, I'm sorry I overreacted. You're right. We do have an open relationship.

Everybody, this is my date, Carl.

He's a lawyer.

He's my best friend.

I love you too, buddy.

Can I see the two of you over here for just one second?

Sorry I'm late. What'd I miss? I'll tell you what you missed.

You missed two people so afraid of commitment that they're deliberately

sabotaging their own wedding. The flowers are too dead, the food's too

the earth spins in the wrong direction, and now they're bringing date?

Okay, I'm caught up.

All my life, you guys told me that your way was better because every day you

chose to be together.

Would you ever stop to think that there was somebody in that house who woke up

every morning wondering if this was the day her parents were going to choose not

to be together?

Oh, darling. No, I don't want to hear it, Abby. Get married. Don't get

I don't care. You're on your own.

Well, this party's pretty dead.

go downtown and meet some mind -reading monkeys.

What do you think, Eddie?

No, even if you are blind in one eye, you can't call them C &I monkeys.

Hey. Oh, hi.

The hot dog stand is right over there. What?

You wanted a hot dog, remember?

All right, counselor.

You got it.

Camper.

Street person.

Yesterday, he called me princess.

How you doing?

I feel like a jerk burger.

Well, honey, you had a right to be upset.

Where do I come off being upset?

I had the best childhood of anyone I know. Yeah, but that doesn't mean that

wasn't hard for you, not knowing whether your parents were going to stay

together. No, but they did, and I turned out fine.

At least I thought I did until I started throwing tantrums like a ten -foot

baby. You didn't throw a tantrum.

You did throw an organic wedding cake off the Golden Gate Bridge.

You know, if Abby... Larry change their minds and don't want to be married, I

should be fine with that.

I mean, look at you.

You were a lawyer, and you quit, and here you are being a lawyer again, and

totally fine with that.

You know I'm practicing law?

Yeah.

I mean, I guess I just have a hard time letting go of my childhood fears.

Like, I know lawn flamingos can't turn kids into garden gnomes, but I still

won't look one in the eye.

Right. How did you know I was practicing law?

Honey. The people who were keeping your secret were Pete, Larry, and Carl.

I was going to tell you.

I know you were. You were just working up to it.

So you're not disappointed in me?

Do you feel this is your true path?

Yeah, I do.

That's great. Yeah, but it was the path I was on.

But it doesn't matter.

Now you know it's your true path.

And you did it pretty quick. You didn't, you know, spend months doing open mic

night trying to be a stand -up comic.

That's true.

I'm a lawyer.

I'm supposed to be a lawyer.

Do we come back here?

We're going to sue that landlord, and if we lose, we'll appeal.

And if we have to, we're going to take it all the way to the United States

Supreme Court to protect this man's God -given right to live in inefficiency

with ten monkeys.

I'm so proud of you.

Thank you.

Hey, when are you going to tell your parents that you're practicing law

I don't know. Maybe when I, uh...

Get some clients that won't throw their own feces when they lose.

They do that sometimes when they win.

Even though we ain't got money, I'm so in love.

Honey, look at the bride, look at the bride.

Everything will bring a change.

Every morning when I write, bring a

tear of dark to my eyes and tell me everything is going to be alright.

What a long, strange trip it's been.

But here we are celebrating a relationship that has lasted for 30

years.

A relationship that has grown stronger because Abby and Larry always followed

their true path.

No matter what the world said or thought of them.

And so we gather here today to join these two souls, Abigail, Kathleen, O

And Myron Lawrence Finkelstein?

Myron.

In an unofficial, non -marital, but henceforth monogamous commitment

with no paper trail attracting the attention of the man.

Abby, out of all the women in the world, many of whom I could have easily been

with...

I choose to commit my life to you.

And why?

Because, Abby, A, is for your loving attitude with which you greet

me each morning.

B, because I love you.

C, is for the comfort knowing you throughout my time.

D,

It's for my desire, which never fades.

E, it's for every day she's by my side.

F, it's for friendship.