Original subtitles

And so we commit to the ground the earthly remains of Doris Haviland, ashes

to ashes and dust to dust.

Oh, that's kind of a downer.

I didn't write it.

Just let him finish.

Don't you think we should say something? We barely knew her.

Well, we can beat dust to dust.

I'd like to say something, please.

Dearly beloved.

It's just me, Dharma.

When you're dear and you're beloved.

Doris Haviland lived in our building.

She was a neighbor in the truest sense of the word. She was a person who lived

near us in our building.

That was beautiful.

Thanks. Greg, do you want to say anything? No, no, you...

Clearly knew her better than I did.

And now, let us bow our heads and bid farewell silently.

To Doris, your journey has come to an end.

I don't think so.

I'm sorry, honey. Go back to sleep.

It's just a ghost.

Sounded like you had a pretty spooky dream last night. Oh, boy, it was awful.

Thank God Doris's ghost woke me up.

Uh -huh.

So, do you want to do something today? Maybe see a movie? Oh, maybe when I get

back, yeah. Where are you going?

Well, I have to go to the post office and buy some stamps. And then I thought

I'd help the landlord pack up Doris's stuff.

And see if I can't figure out why she is haunting the physical realm.

Bye, honey.

The post office, you say?

Hey. Hey.

You've been down here a long time. Everything okay?

Craig, I feel terrible. Five years I lived in the same building with this

and I knew nothing about her.

Like, I had no idea she collected hats.

I wonder what made her collect hats.

I don't know. Maybe, uh, stamps didn't keep her head warm.

What is that smell?

Menthol.

Dorsal menthol.

Look, her last pack, not even finished.

Yeah, that's usually the way it works.

What exactly are you looking for? I told you, Greg, Doris had some unfinished

business that's keeping her spirit from moving on, and I have to find it. Dorma,

there's no goat. You had a dream.

Well, what about seeing Doris in the graveyard? How do you explain this? The

same way I explained it when it happened. You saw a statue lit up by

No, Greg, you saw a statue lit up by lightning. I saw Doris.

tethered to this earthly plane because she didn't pick up her dry cleaning?

You would be.

The only thing hanging around here is 40 years of cigarette smoke. There are no

ghosts, goblins, vampires, demonic black cats, or anything.

Ah, okay.

So there's a cat.

Doesn't seem like unfinished business.

I know, that's what I thought.

Ordinary dry cleaning.

Okay, how about this needlepoint now?

Okay.

If at first you don't suck.

Well, I certainly hope that's unfinished business.

Yeah, it's probably not enough to keep her spirit roaming the air. I doubt it.

She'd come to you for something you could do.

Well, I needlepoint.

Oh, of course you do, darling.

This is really good work.

What's she doing here? She called. She wants to borrow some clothes.

Come on. What's she really doing here?

She wanted to borrow something.

Oh, hello, dear.

Hi. Hi. I'm sorry to come in the back way, but there's a rather large hole in

your front yard.

Yeah, sorry about that, Larry.

Digging a Y2K shelter.

Isn't that resourceful?

Yep. When all the computers in the world stop working, he and I can go out and

lie down in the hole.

Well, an ounce of prevention.

Anyway, about the clothes.

You really are borrowing my mom's clothes?

Why? Is that so odd?

Yes, Kitty, that is so odd.

Well, your mother always looked very comfortable, and I just thought that,

Oh, heck.

Edward and I have been invited to a costume party, and I thought we would go

a couple of old hippies.

Oh, I hope I haven't offended you.

Why should I be offended? You just want to wear my everyday clothes as the

Halloween costume.

Yes!

Yeah, well, okay.

Let's go look.

Just hope I can find something that's not way too big for you in the bust.

Doris's diary.

She never married, Greg. I think she died a virgin.

Too bad you didn't know that. It would have added some color to the eulogy.

Listen to this.

December 6, 1941.

Good news.

Fred will be home on leave soon.

I've decided to give myself to him fully.

I'll finally know what it means to be a woman. Also looking forward to hear more

wonderful stories about Pearl Harbor.

Stop thinking about Fred.

Mother suggested I cheer myself up with a new hat.

Sounds like a good idea. Come on.

Let's go to bed.

I'm finally going to lose my virginity. My cousin Nancy fixed me up with a

handsome young actor, a Mr.

take a look.

Hey.

Good morning.

Thank you. No.

Come on, the sex was unbelievable. It was more than unbelievable. It was... It

was circus sex.

Last night? I didn't know where you were going with the hat and the cigarette,

but I'm glad you took me with you.

Unfinished business.

What? She never had sex, Greg. She possessed my body. No, I see where this

going.

So she can have sex with you.

No, that's not it.

Abby said she'd come to me for something I was good at.

lose her virginity.

No, Dharma, listen to me. You've been going through this woman's stuff. You've

been staying up all night reading her diary. Don't you see what's happening

here? Yes.

You and I helped deflower a dead woman.

Okay, so no, you don't get what's happening here.

Doris, if you can hear me, I am so happy for you. Greg's good, isn't he? I

wasn't good.

Stop it. You are always good.

I bet she comes back for more. Knock it off, Dharma.

Are you uncomfortable with this? Yes, I'm very uncomfortable with this.

Well, Greg, if that's how you feel, don't you think you should say something

her? Thelma, I can't talk to Doris. She's dead.

Which is why we have seance, knucklehead. Uncle Abby. No, no, seance.

Okay, I can't believe you.

You take a poor dead woman's virginity and now you won't talk to her? Shame.

Deep cleansing breaths.

And open our hearts to make Doris feel welcome. Because remember, as strange as

this is for us, it's even stranger for Doris.

subconsciously, you felt guilty because you never got to know this old woman,

and that's what caused last night's... business.

I don't think that's... Oh, come on, Dharma. I feel guilty, too. It's

how we ignore old people, but let's face it. We're busy. We don't have time to

hear about their surgeries or how their kids never call or how much a tuna fish

sandwich cost in 1923.

You said it's terrible.

Do you think it could be an expression of your guilt?

I don't know, Abby. That sounds a little bleh.

I think what probably happened is that after Doris had sex, she was ready to

move on.

My kind of woman.

Oh, wow. Who else heard that?

You!

Oh, she sounds scary.

It's my mother, Larry.

I know who it is.

funky self.

Your mom's borrowing my Birkenstock skirt.

We're going to a costume party. Don't we look silly?

Abby, when was the last time you wore this?

Tuesday.

The shoes are on the bed, Kitty.

Splendid. Hang loosely, Edward.

What are you playing?

We're having a seance to talk to a dead woman your son had sex with.

It's none of my business, Darma, but if the woman's dead, can't this be water

under the bridge?

She was dead when he had sex with her.

We used to play a lot of cribbage in the army.

One of the fellas made a board out of a gun butt. He drilled little holes in it

and used toothpicks as pegs.

All set.

Let's go.

I was sleeping.

With the garbage?

Sorry, all the dead chicks were taken.

Me and Jane had a fight.

Hey.

I'm sorry.

Really? Yeah.

Here's your pillow.

Wait, have you seen Dharma?

No, why?

I woke up and she was gone.

Oh, God!

That darn cat.

Come on.

Well, there she is.

Gotta go.

What took you so long?

Dharma, what are you doing down here?

Dharma's not here.

So whatever happens is between you and me.

Oh, come on, Dharma.

Cut it out.

If you're not coming to Mama, then Mama's coming to you.

You're sleeping now, so please wake up.

You

didn't

have time for me when I was alive.

And now we're together till death do us part.

And I'm already dead.

Dharma.

Wake up.

you're not wearing pants.

Okay, look, there are two possible things going on here. The first, and

likely, is that Dharma and I are feeling a little bit guilty for not having

gotten to know you better when you were alive.

The second possibility, and it's just kind of out there, and the one that

me by is that I may have, without realizing it,

led you on somehow.

Anyway, I just want you to know that I'm married to a wonderful woman. A living

woman. And I hope that you and I can

still be friends.

Hello.

Getting a lot of rain, huh?

I suppose.

Listen.

I don't want us just to talk about the weather and go our separate ways. I want

us to spend time together, make a real connection.

I'm not a gay.

Me neither.

What about breakfast? Just the two of us.

Please let go.

Your kid's calling you enough.

I hear you, Dora.

And I understand you're upset.

But if Greg doesn't want to continue in that kind of relationship, I think you

have to respect that.

Wait a minute. I have another idea that might work for everyone.

They must have let the faucet on a long time when they poured a drink of water

like you.

Kitty?

The name's Doris.

But what do you think we have a little fun with Kitty's body, hmm?

Well, it's a long shot, but I'm game.