Original subtitles

Hello?

Anybody home?

Party was at 8, right?

Fuck so.

Kitty?

Quiet. No shouting.

You'll wake it.

Wake what?

Demon.

Oh, demon, demon, demon.

She means your mother.

I finally got her to sleep.

What about the party? Where are the other guests?

They're on their way. Where's my father?

In the garage in the Mercedes.

Why? Because it's bulletproof.

Celia!

She's alive.

What do you think?

Well, I think one of us should go talk to your dad.

Ed, I think you should go talk to your mom.

I know what you just did. Me too.

Go with God.

What? What do you get when you kiss a guy?

You get enough germs to catch pneumonia.

Then when you do, he'll never phone you.

Never fall in love again.

Oh, hi, Dharma.

How are you? Pretty good.

What you doing out here?

Oh, listening to the radio, reading my owner's manual.

What else is new?

Well, your mother -in -law is going through women trouble.

I see.

Regular, ordinary women trouble?

No, no, no, no. I think this might be the big one.

I think she's going through menopause. Like Sherman through Atlanta.

is good for both of you. No more worries about birth control. And you can be as

spontaneous and loving as you want.

You should be celebrating, not hiding.

I thought she might be able to help you. Help me with what?

I'm a certified menstrual termination counselor.

Excuse me? She took a course at the Goddess Institute.

It was part of their midwife to midlife program.

Anyway, Kitty, I'm an expert, and I can love and guide you through this mystical

transition. At no charge, of course. We're family. Oh, that's very sweet of

Abby, dear, but there's no problem here.

Okay.

Well, this was a good first session.

And if you need me, call me.

Okay, let's go, Dharma.

That's it. I know what I'm doing. Okay, bye -bye.

Hang in there, kitty.

Fine, go, go, go, go, go. Everybody leaves.

Oh, this wasn't supposed to happen to me.

And now you're a beautiful woman.

No, you don't understand.

You don't understand. I was stunning.

I was drop dead. Leave your wife gorgeous.

Look, look, look, look, look, look, look.

Ballet, cotillion.

Ah, here I am. Look at my skin glistening as I'm riding Prince Rupert.

Toledo Bath and Tennis Club pageant.

Hey, second place. Good for you, Kitty.

What's that?

Well,

that's young Miss Newport Beach.

Second place again.

Oh, what about that?

Oh, Santa Barbara.

Miss Congeniality.

You're kidding.

All these contests, I never won any of them. Oh, but Kitty, you've gained.

Wisdom and experience and every bit of it shows on your face.

Hey, look at this one.

Here you are with the first place trophy.

Where? Right there at the pretty yellow lab.

No, that's the dog's trophy.

Yeah, she was best of show at Westminster, blah, blah, blah.

Well, at least she let you hold it.

And you know what came with that trophy?

A rawhide tiara?

To be a beauty queen, I just... Of course you do, but Kitty, wouldn't it be

fulfilling if you threw off the shackles of estrogen enslavement and took your

rightful place as an elder of the tribe?

I said I want to be a beauty queen!

Mrs.

San Francisco, huh?

It's the only beauty contest for a woman her age where she doesn't need a Harley

or a stump.

Come on, Pete. Let's get going.

See you later. Bye.

Okay,

good. Well, this is the one we'll do.

What are they doing?

Mrs. DeFrisco Pageant celebrates the beauty and sophistication of the mature

married woman.

You can't enter my mother in a beauty contest.

It's her dream. Well, it's my nightmare.

Fine. You call her and tell her she can't enter.

Well, what exactly would she have to be doing?

Jane. A piece of cake.

sing a song, save the world, boom, beauty contest.

If I can do it, anybody can do it. I'm not going to have to look at my mother

a bathing suit and high heels, am I?

Not unless you ask a nice.

I have to go now.

Come on, Pete. This is sweet. The contestant's husband reads a love poem

the evening gown competition.

What do you mean, if I can do it, anybody can do it? You didn't tell Pete

won a bunch of teen beauty pageants?

Excuse me, I have to take Mr.

Montgomery his lunch.

You're letting in a draft.

Sorry.

Oh, hot.

What are you trying to do in here? Cure a ham?

I had a chill.

What are you writing?

Revising Edward's will.

What can I do for you?

Well, um, remember how you said you always wanted to be a beauty queen?

No.

Kitty.

Oh, I remember Miss Congeniality. the yellow Labrador, your daddy's love.

Oh, yes.

Well, I found the perfect pageant for you.

Mrs. San Francisco?

Is this a pageant for older women?

No.

No, it's not.

It's for married women of all ages over 50.

Over 50? You know what? This was a bad idea. Thought up by a bad person. You

remember Jane.

Conceivably, I would be the youngest contestant.

Not conceivably, definitely.

Surrounded by a bunch of old biddies. Which would be bad. And I told Jane that

you would... I love it. I knew you would!

So let us get cracking.

I will need a dress, a talent, a philosophy of life.

Come, Dharma, you have work to do.

I'm on the kiddie coaster now.

Aren't you coming to bed?

Soon as I finish your mom's homemade dress.

I thought contestants had to make their own dresses. So did I.

Hey, do you happen to know your mother's cup size?

No, but if I did, I'm pretty sure I'd have to kill myself. Good night.

No, this is just terrific. If it could be exactly like this, except lose the

sleeves, not so poofy, and what do we think of the color?

Well, I guess we don't like it, even though we picked it out.

Good. Now, I've decided on my talent, tap dancing. Will it be difficult to put

taps on these shoes?

Uh, well, yeah, sort of. Then you better get started, because I need them by the

morning.

The lines of this are just perfect.

There's a little too much activity back here.

And what do we think of the color?

We hate it.

You read my mind.

Now, I've been thinking about the tap dancing.

How's that going?

I don't care for it.

I was thinking that I used to play the harp.

The harp, you say? The harp.

We're going to try flower arranging.

Okay.

I owe a really big favor to a clown friend of mine, but here you go.

Take it back, dumb. Why?

This whole pageant thing. It's just too much work. I am exhausted.

What kind of favor a clown asks for?

Well, I'm sorry, but it's just too much for me. I'm going to withdraw.

What?

You can't do that.

Why not?

Why not?

Kitty, I have sewn for you. I have schlepped for you. I have

cobbled for you. You damn near poked my eye out. And I'm getting a seamstress

hump.

And this.

Kitty, do you see that?

I wonder how you get that. Do you know how you get that, Kitty? Do you know how

you get that?

A harp has to fall on you!

But you know what?

I don't mind all of that because I wasn't doing it for myself.

I was doing it for you, Kitty.

This is your dream and you deserve to go out there and live it! But, uh... Don't

fuck me! You get your second place ass on that unicycle and start juggling.

unless there are other people on stage for her to be clever with.

She's just some nut standing there talking to herself.

We'll check into it.

What are you people doing sitting around? Come on, this is D -Day. This is

drill. You told us we were in the way.

And I'm about to tell you again.

Where's your father?

Probably in the car.

Well, did he finish the poem he's supposed to read during the evening gown

competition? I don't know.

What, is this a game to you?

Well, if it is, it isn't a very fun one.

I'm sorry you're not having a good time, but unless all the horses are pulling

in the same direction, I'm never going to win this thing. What do you mean by

I'm never going to win?

I mean your mother.

Kitty, I, me, I couldn't care less.

Take a last look before I load her in the car.

Oh, my God, her eyes are all puffy. Did you let her have salt?

She had a bag of pretzels taped to the back of the toilet tank.

put them there. They must have been Edward's. You know, I don't think you

to win. I do, I do, I do. Well, winners don't eat things that they find taped to

the back of toilet tanks.

Now, Jane, go slap a couple of tea bags under those eyes, and you two, go find

Edward and hold him upside down until a poem falls out of him.

Mother, I think you look beautiful.

Thank you.

Did you not hear me?

You married your mother.

You've had three weeks to write this thing.

But what's wrong with it? It rhymes.

Roses are red, violets are pretty, the gal in the dress is my wife's kitty.

You got a gift, Ed.

It was easy once I got to pretty.

And Tupac's compassion garnished with a sprig of generosity.

And that, Gary, is my recipe for a better world.

Well, that's a spoon that I'd like to lick.

Well, thank you, Mrs. Kitty Montgomery.

I'd like to suggest that this is Elaine Barclay's. Oh, the thrill of

competition. Wasn't I wonderful?

I was very, very confident.

Yeah, that was all good. I think you strayed a little bit from our speech.

It's choppy as I was ad -libbing. The judges may have been confused when you

-libbed the phrase Catholics and other people of color.

Really? I thought that was rather neutral.

Okay, let's not dwell on it. I think we still have a really good shot to win

this thing.

And now, Mr. Francis Weber.

What's up, Ginger?

We're dead.

Hard as a cock.

Come on, Dad, you've got to write this poem.

I'm sorry, I just don't know what to say.

Okay, when you first met Mother, what were you thinking?

Exactly, what was I thinking?

I mean, what did you think of her?

Well, I... I thought she was kind of stacked for a skinny girl.

What is she, about a B cup? C cup. Oh, please.

Sorry, I came here to support Kitty, but I just couldn't watch that exploitation

of women one second longer.

I agree.

It's different when you have the young ones in bathing suits.

Larry, that's worse.

Yes, it is.

Worse than different.

Well, I agree with Abby. Kitty doesn't need to traipse up and down a stage to

prove how beautiful she is. She's beautiful every moment of the day.

In the morning when she's sipping her tea in the garden.

Don't stop.

Tell us more. Write down everything.

Got it.

Sometimes when I look at Kitty, I can't believe how lucky I am to be married to

such an angel.

I hope you're getting all this down. I'm on top of it. So many wonderful

moments. Don't miss a word. He's half in the bag and he'll never remember it.

My heart is full.

That's why I'm sharing these words of love for my dear wife, Sharon.

and gentlemen. Thank you so very much. That is a good one.

Hey, you have your poem.

Larry.

Jane, Jane, that's the link.

And now, Mrs.

Kitty Montgomery and a poem written by her husband Edward. Okay, okay, okay.

Who's the queen? I'm the queen. Who's got the power?

I've got the power.

Sometimes when I look at Kitty, I can't believe how lucky I am.

To be married to such an angel.

I hope you're getting all this down.

I'm on top of it.

So many wonderful moments.

Don't miss a word.

He's half in the bag, he'll never remember it.

Like the day I first saw her.

Shouldn't we go back in there and watch Grannies on Parade?

Hey, that's not nice.

But it's true.

Who ordered the Jägermeister? I did.

Oh, Larry, are you going to drink?

No, thanks.

Nuts, give me gas.

It's over.

Maybe not.

Hey, now. Finally, in our talent competition this evening, a woman whose

has been an inspiration to all of us this evening,

Mrs. Frances Weber will now sing Looking Through the Eyes of Love while

assigning the words for the benefit of her hearing -impaired adopted Cambodian

daughter.

It's everything.

What are you doing?

Exposing a fraud.

I can't pee.

What the hell is she doing? I don't know. I hardly ever

know.

Oh, come on, lady. You can see me.

What's going on? Okay, I'm sorry to interrupt, Mr. Patrick, but I saw this

putting makeup on in the mirror.

Pretending to be blind, lady, is not a talent.

Who are you?

you doing this to my sister?

Sister? Yes, my sister, my blind sister.

Please get off the stage.

Can I just explain one second? Actually, it's a very funny story.

Hit the road, Blondie.

If anybody wants to hear a really funny story, meet me in the lobby.

Don't worry, your mommy's gonna win.

Don't beat yourself up, Kitty. We'll get him next year.

Kitty, I'm sorry about that business with the poem. Oh, that's all right,

Edward.

Abby told me the lovely things you said about me in the bar.

Well, she did.

Well, I meant every word.

I'm sorry you didn't win.

I would have voted for you.

That's very sweet of you, Edward. Thank you.

Well, it's getting late. Yes, we'd better turn in.

Good night, Edward.

Good night, kitten.

Oh, you look absolutely beautiful.

And you?

You have lost weight.

He's divorced.

I absolutely know it, Bishop. The Duchess... Please, come. I want you to

her. No, no, no, no. I insist.

Duke, darling, I want you to meet her.

She's from Detroit. Don't hold it against her.