All language subtitles for Dharma & Greg s03e04 Play Lady, Play

Did you Greg clip in the lawyer?

Yep. I heard he clipped out and he
hijacked a bus with a bowling trophy.

Have you been talking to Jane?

Yeah. She was in here earlier. She got
moon pies and generic vodka.

Her mom must be in town.

Yeah, no, Greg just took a break from
the law so he could relax and enjoy

Excuse me, miss. When you advertise
double coupons, aren't you legally

to double whatever the value? Only the
first time.

Answer the question yes or no, please.

It's not that simple. Just answer the
question, please.

It's nice because now we get to grocery
shop together.

Back up, back up, back up. $1 .99. Does
that seem correct to you? You don't have

to answer that. Honey, don't you want to
take that relaxing drive down to the

beach to watch the beautiful sunset?
Just a sec. They're on special for 30

a can. Would you mind reading for
everyone the advertised price on this

particular beverage?

It says 30 cents a can. And what is 30
times 6?

I need a key.

That sunset.

There'll be one tomorrow.

30 times six, that's $1 .80, isn't it?
Say yes. Sir, the individual cans aren't

special, not the six -pack.

Oh, she just said yes. Can you believe
this?

Essentially, they're charging 19 cents
for the plastic can holder.

I know.

It's an outreach.

Honey, look. The woman who took up two
parking spots is loading up her car.

Perfect. I want to see her face when she
reads my notes.

Hey, thank you for being so patient,
everybody.

Impulse.

baby born with blowholes. Who wants it?

and the explorer apologized.

Well, good.

Now, why don't we let that go and just
stay with our breath?

It was kind of a half -hearted apology.

Uh -huh.

Breathe in.

Now, feel your lungs filling with
oxygen.

Feel that oxygen -rich blood traveling
through your veins to your fingers, your

toes. Artery. I'm sorry?

Oxygenated blood travels out through
your arteries and travels back through

veins.

Thank you for that. No problem.

Ignore that.

Let's keep going.

It could be the pizza I ordered. You
ordered pizza?

I thought you wanted to meditate.

Well, you said it would take a half an
hour. I meant around half an hour.

Dharma, I don't know what's in your head
unless you say it.

Sometimes that's a good thing.

I'll grab us a couple of beers.

Hi, Dharma.

You left your debit card at the market.

It's not a smart move. A blocked or
stolen debit card doesn't offer the same

legal protection as credit cards.

Is that me, too?

No, it's Donald. I left my debit card at
the market.

How could you forget your debit card?

I don't know. Oh, maybe I got distracted
when the woman in the Explorer tried to

back over you.

Noted. But you should be aware, debit
cards don't offer the same protection as

credit cards.

That's the word on the street.

Would you like to come hang with us?
Evidently, we ordered pizza. I can't.

I got band practice.

Oh, did you guys ever come up with a
name? Not yet.

I want to call it Apollo's Army. You
know, after the Greek god of music.

But Stewie, he wants to call it Snot.

Well, they're both... Timeless.

Now, hold on.

Can we not stipulate that when I...
placed my order, a covenant was created

between me, the pizza orderer, and you,
the pizza maker. Or should I say alleged

pizza maker? Because I've seen no
evidence to support the claim. No, I am

I am very calm.

Look, pal, I meditate.

Hey, would you mind if I tag along and
listen to you guys rehearse? Sure. I

mean, we're not going to be very good.
Our drummer's out with Mono. Can you

on a second?

I was in your supermarket earlier today,
and I bought some soda.

Can you hold on for a second?

Do you need a drummer? Because I used to
play.

Yeah, sure.

Let's go.

What about the pizza?

I have a feeling that when it gets here,
it's going to have spit on it.

I'm going to go play drums in Donald's
band. Bye. Okay.

Again, the individual soda cans were on
sale for $30. You play drums?

like Apollo's army, but we sound more
like snot, so we'll probably go with

So you guys need a guitar player?

No. Brody?

Sorry. How about if I just stand in the
back and yell free bird?

I might change his diet. No.

Is he getting enough sleep?

Yeah. Power his bowel movement.

Abby, is there a problem?

Yeah. Your husband's out there acting
like a big fat ass. Pardon my French.

He keeps driving me nuts.

He keeps arguing about everything. It
doesn't matter what. He has to be right.

And if you disagree with him, he just
keeps pushing and pushing and pushing.

Sounds like a bowel problem to me.

It's unbelievable.

Abby, every time I say anything, I feel
like I'm on trial.

Well, maybe that's it. I mean, since
Greg stopped being a lawyer, that energy

has to come out somehow.

Like when Larry quit being a rodeo clown
but couldn't stop taunting bulls.

That was a bad... Ah, dear.

I don't know what to do. I mean, I've
tried everything. I've been so patient.

mean, I've meditated with him so long,
my mantra's starting to annoy me.

Nothing's worked.

Have you tried engaging that energy?

Argued back at him?

You want me to fight with him?

Well, honey, if you don't, you might
feel compelled to get a neat mat outside

the home.

Oh, but I hate arguing.

Do you love him, darling?

If we're going to make Dan practice, we
should go.

I completely disagree.

Honey, it's rush hour. No, it's not.

How can you say that?

I didn't.

What's her problem?

She loves you very, very much.

And this is my husband, Greg.

Uh -huh. Hello.

Hello. And, uh, what are you doing here,
Mrs. Montgomery?

I'm the funky backbone to this rock and
roll beast.

Mr. Epstein -Darman's taking Eddie's
place because he has mononucleosis,

is erroneously known as kitchen disease.

Especially with Eddie.

Uh, excuse me, what'd you pay for this
soda?

I guess I'll be back in the house.

Should you need me for any reason, kid?

Any reason at all.

I want this door left open.

Martin, there's a grown woman playing
with Oliver.

So, Mr. Montgomery, what'd you think?
You guys are great. Although, Dharma, I

think you were dragging the tempo just a
little bit.

Really? That's what you think? I'm
afraid so.

Well, I'm afraid you're wrong.

I was rock steady.

Honey, I put my stopwatch to it. You
went from 104 beats a minute down to 99

then back up to 108.

Oh, nice watch.

Oh, thanks. You can't keep time on a
watch.

Honey, listen to yourself.

That's what watches do. I know what
watches do.

Well, you don't have to get defensive.

Oh, wrong again. I wasn't being
defensive. I was being argumentative.

no. You were having an emotional
reaction. In an argument, you state

support your case. Okay, you want a
fact? I rock!

No.

is your thesis.

You can't restate your thesis as a
supporting fact. Okay, now you're just

stuff up.

Oliver, you wouldn't happen to have a
copy of the American Debating Society

rules, would you?

No, but we could probably download it
off the net.

John, we'll be right back. No, no!

I don't need a lecture.

Give me a shot of spirulina and keep
them coming.

You want to talk about it? No.

Uh -oh.

I just figured out why they call these
things smoothies.

I can't argue anymore. I'm a dog.

I woke him up because he was snoring. He
said he wasn't. And I said, how would

you know? You were sleeping. Well, three
hours later, I'm forced to admit that

since I had no witness, I have no case.

Who do you have to mow to get a
wheatgrass around here?

Where is he now?

I needed a break, so I told him his
parents said he had a very happy

I give you Exhibit C, a telegram from a
hotel in Mallorca, Spain.

Dear Gregory, sorry to hear Camp, quote,
sucks, unquote, fondly, Mom and Dad.

Gregory, may I say something? You'll be
given an opportunity to rebut. I suggest

you take notes.

Thanksgiving break, 1978.

A flight home from boarding school. Did
my mother and father meet me at the

airport? Oh, for heaven's sakes, we sent
you a stretch.

We sent you a stretch.

Your mother wanted to send a town card.

Dermot, he's a trained lawyer. He argues
for a living. If you play by his rules,

he's just going to wear you down.

She's right. Greg and I are professional
litigators. I mean, you can't ask an

ordinary person to successfully argue
with you. Ah, shut your pie hole.

You've got to get in there. You've got
to shoot him hard.

Fighting is like sex.

The dirtier, the better.

Do you love him, Darla?

Got it.

Oh,

Danny boy, Danny boy, Danny boy.

I get knocked down, but I get up again.

You're never gonna keep me down. I get
knocked down, but I get up again.

All right!

All right!

Thank you!

Okay, we'll be back in 20.

Meanwhile, enjoy my friend's cocktail
party. We are not armed.

Rock steady.

But?

But nothing.

Okay, I don't get this one.

Hey, guys. Remember my parents?

Oh, yeah. Hi. Nice to see you. Hi. How
do you do?

Thanks for helping Donald keep his
little combo together.

It's so healthy for him to have outside
activity.

Well, it's not a combo. It's a band.

Well, actually, son, it's either.

Of course, if you had a string and brass
section, you'd be an orchestra.

Well, technically,

an orchestra also requires woodwinds.

I think he's pretty cool, too.

Oh, Donald, honey, you're sweating.

Why don't you go wash up with an
astringent while your pores are open?

Mom?

Great set, Donald. Thank you.

This band is a big breakthrough for him.

He has trouble making friends.

Oh, yes, because he's so smart, he has
trouble communicating with kids his own

age. Intelligence has nothing to do with
it. He just has poor socialization

skills.

That's basically what I just said. No,
it isn't. Ability to get along with

others has nothing to do with intellect.

Well, it's been my experience that many
bright people can be extremely annoying.

Donald, however, is just a little shy.

See, you've just proved my point.

Shyness is a result of poor
socialization skills.

Donald can't get along with other people
because his parents didn't teach him

how. No offense.

No, honey, Donald can't get along with
others because he was raised by a father

who quotes encyclopedias at him. No
offense.

No.

No, it's because he has a mother who
thinks it's all right to point out her

this in public. No offense.

I don't think you're in any position to
point to somebody else's mother as being

a poor parent. Oh, you want to drag my
mother into this? I'll dig up your

grandma if I have to. Okay, all right.

distant, but that doesn't change my
point that the reason Donald gets

every day by the chess club is because
he's the pasty offspring of Mr. and Mrs.

Poindexter here.

No offense.

None taken. I don't see how you can
point to your mother as being distant

she lives inside your head.

Okay, okay. You want to talk about
mothers and fathers? Let's talk about a

who can't even call her parents mother
and father. That would make them

authority figures.

That is true. The title of mother and
father do establish... Shut up!

Oh, my God!

Look, Greg, I found your mother's heart.

Melt it, and we've got your father's
brain.

me from achieving any peace of mind and
serenity.

That's not exactly why I did it.

Well, it worked. It doesn't matter why.

Well, no.

See, because you're a lawyer and you had
no outlet for your argumentative

nature, so I was just kind of letting
you get it out of your system.

Okay, whatever.

No, not whatever. I want you to see the
difference here.

It doesn't matter.

Yes, it does. I want the record to
correctly reflect my motivation. So

stipulated. No, I don't.

There's nothing to prove. Yes, there is
everything to prove and nothing to gain.

You're not making any sense.

So you agree.

So, sorry we had to kick you out of the
band.

Oh. But my parents sort of insisted.

Yeah.

It's okay.

You see their point. Oh, yeah, they're
doing the right thing. Yeah.

Well, here's your cut of our gig.

$12 .50.

$10 .99 you at the end of the year.

Okay, I'll set some aside.

Well, I should get going because I'm
really not supposed to be here. Gotcha,

bye.

Bye, Donald.

So, what now? Do the drums go back to
your parents?

No, actually, I have a chance to
audition for another band.

Really? Want to come along?

No, I don't think so. I've kind of had
my fill of garage bands.

It'll be fun.

No, it's okay.

It's your thing. You don't need me
tagging along.

All right.

I don't want to argue.

A one, a two.

Yeah. Cool!

Okay, Bob.

You want to say anything else?

How about a moringa?

Uh, polka.

Okay, let me see. You play a polka.

That's kind of too funky for your style,
right?

Not at all.

Uh... So, can I play with you guys? Do I
get the job?

Well, we don't know yet.

Do you want me to play some more so you
can decide?

Uh, no.

Oh.

I got a van.

You got a van? Yeah. Actually, can you
guys help me load up my stuff?

Uh,

sure.

Okay.