All language subtitles for Dharma & Greg s03e02 Welcome to Hotel Calamari

It is not our fault. You're not
listening, Kenny.

This is your fault, please. Ronald
Reagan knew about Oliver North.

Thank you. This is no one's fault. Greg
just needed some time to himself.

Think about it. He spent his whole life
pushing for other people's approval.

Ah, so it is their fault.

Of course, we try to instill some values
in our son.

The corrupt values of a morally
degenerate society is what I would say.

North is an American hero.

Okay,

super. I think we've heard from
everyone, and I think that without

blame, we can understand why Greg needed
some quiet time.

You're saying it's everybody's fault.

Fine. Including Edward and Kitty.

Abby. Larry.

Look, we all have our way of taking a
vacation, right? Abby, you meditate.

and Edward, you go on your cruises.
Larry, you also go away.

That's all Greg's doing. He's just gone
someplace to recharge.

Well, that makes perfect sense.

Yes, I mean, I couldn't get through the
year without my week at La Costa, the

spa. Then I'm sure that's exactly what
Greg's doing. Except without all the

massages, because he's not comfortable
having strangers touch him.

Gee, I wonder whose fault that is.

Here you go. Perhaps this will be more
to your liking.

This is perfect.

You know, you're only on the second
floor. The fall won't kill you.

I'm not here to kill myself. I told you
I'm on a voyage of self -discovery.

I see.

Shall I call down to the pro shop and
get you a tea time?

I thought maybe I'd swing by Pebble
Beach, but then I realized that's the

Greg, you know, filling my time with
golf and work so I don't deal with my

issues. Fear of failure, constant need
of validation.

Good for you.

Thank you.

Anyway, I just didn't want to leave the
clubs in the car.

You're staying here when you got a car
you can sleep in?

I considered that, but this seemed more
gritty, more like the kind of place

where desperate souls have struggled to
find meaning in their lives.

Uh -huh.

That shower rod won't hold you weight.

I'm not here to kill myself.

I want to believe you.

Is there a phone?

Down the hall. But most people just pin
a note to their shirt.

about commitment?

Let me tell you about commitment.

I'm the guy who cut off Hootie and the
Blowfish just so we could become the

woman you wanted him to be.

Is there another phone around?

I'm almost done.

And who insisted I get the fancy deluxe
boobies?

Not me.

I wanted to go to the Hawaiian Islands.

They're beautiful.

The islands.

you call me the moment you hear from
him. You'll be my first call. Dama, I

to know where Gregory is. And that'll be
the subject of my call. Good night.

You handled that very well.

Thank you. I think I finally figured out
the trick to these family meetings.

Larry, you can come out now.

You know, I don't want to make a big
thing out of this, but I don't think

right for you to send me out of the room
for no reason.

It's called a timeout.

Larry's right, Abby. We shouldn't have
done that.

Okay, well, I forgive you.

It's kind of embarrassing to be sent out
of the room like that.

I understand.

Larry, would you take these to the
kitchen and clean them?

Sure. Thank you.

How you doing?

I'm fine.

You came out of my body. I can feel your
suffering.

I'm not suffering, Abby. I'm fine.

Whoops, sorry.

Come on, it's me you're talking to.

Honey, your soulmate disappeared. You
don't know where he is.

You have to acknowledge how you feel
about that.

No, Abby, really, I'm okay.

I got it.

Maybe I should go help Larry.

Larry has his work and you have yours.

This is a scary time, Dharma.

No, it's not, Abby. Really, Greg's a
grown man. He'll be fine. He can take

of himself and when he's ready, he'll
come back.

Sorry.

Sorry.

Got it.

Sorry.

What are you afraid of?

That I'm going to have to eat off banana
leaves?

Dharma, if you name... your darkest
fear, it no longer controls you.

Tell me what's the worst that can happen
to Greg while he's gone.

He'll be lonely.

Dharma.

I don't know.

Then he'll reconsider his life.

She will be.

It's a good thing we were here.

Don't look at me.

Okay, you know what? You can take that
song to Motown, because we heard it

before.

really well. You think?

Yes, you're a very special person and
anyone would be happy to have you.

You're so nice.

Don't look at me, my mascara's running.

You look fine. You think so?

I don't have raccoon eyes.

It's perfect.

You look beautiful.

Do you know the last time Anthony told
me I look beautiful?

It's probably been too long.

It was the day we tried out for the
Yankees.

know who she is trina uh trina um honey
i just i i wanted to call so that you

wouldn't worry about me you called just
because you didn't want her to worry oh

honey whatever he did you take him back
i didn't do anything oh well then why is

she crying mr innocent

I can handle your mother. What's she
going to do, torture me?

Really?

Okay. I love you too, honey, and I'm
very, very proud of you.

Okay. I'll talk to you then.

Bye.

He's fine.

See, we're getting all worked up over
nothing.

Maybe you should call the police.

Open the door!

Okay, my boyfriend's gone crazy, so
here's the plan.

I'm going to get into bed with you for
like five minutes. He comes in, he sees

us, we're together, we're happy. He
says, okay, he leaves.

Who's this?

This is my lover.

We're together now and we're very happy.

I told you not to come, and here you
are.

Dama, this is very difficult for me.

But I need your help. I can't tell you
where Greg is. I promised him. All

I don't need to know.

Okay, I know what you're doing.

You tell me you don't need to know, and
then I don't tell you, and then you...

What are you doing?

Yeah, I'll share a little family secret
with you.

Is this about why you're not allowed at
Neiman Marcus?

No. No, because I heard you roughed up
one of those perfume squirt girls.

No, it is about Edward.

When Edward was a very little boy, the
only time that he spent with his father

was a fishing trip that they took once a
year.

And when his father died, Edward took
those fishing poles, he put them away,

he said, I am never going fishing again.

That's so sad.

But...

When Gregory was four years old, he
found those fishing poles.

And he took them and he said to his
father, Daddy, I want to go fishing.

And they went. No, no, not that year.
Because Edward was being audited.

But the next year and every year
thereafter, my little boy took his daddy

fishing.

Until now.

Because Greg's gone.

Exactly. And you won't tell us where he
is, so... I feel

terrible.

Edward has put the fishing poles away.
They put them away!

So I think you know what you have to do.

Yes.

I have to take Edward fishing!

Oh, for heaven's sake, forget the damn
fishing. Where is Gregory?

Great spot!

What better way to go on a voyage of
self -discovery than to get a real

man's job? You know, a kind of Henry
Rowe Steinbeck thing.

Squint the shoe!

At first I was going for a Hemingway old
man in the sea fishing boat experience,

but I get a little queasy on hope and
water.

I'm good in a pool.

Anyway, here's my resume.

Resume?

Probably some special skills, job
history and education is on the other

I know what you're thinking. You're
thinking I'm overqualified.

Well, not unless they taught you how to
clean squid at Harvard.

Well, no, not per se, but I did have an
economics professor who made you feel

like you were cleaning squid, if you
know what I mean.

Not important.

What is important is that I'm here, I'm
able -bodied, and I'm willing to start

at the bottom.

That's good.

Because as you can see here, all of...
Our executive positions are taken.

Are you sure this is going to work? It
worked for bears.

Too bad Greg can't be here. Yeah.

To tell you the truth, I'm kind of proud
of him.

Taking some time to figure out what he's
doing with his life.

Man, he's really got to have a certain
kind of wife to do that.

Thank you.

Freshie? Yes, Pete?

Hey, you know what, Edward? I got to
tell you something. In

I have known you.

I had no idea you were so much fun.

Hey, I put the F -U in fun, little lady.

How come you're not like this at home?

You're not supposed to be like this at
home. That's what fishing trips are for.

Eddie, Eddie, Eddie.

You shouldn't confine your bliss to one
weekend a year.

No, no, no. It's not just one weekend.
When Kitty takes her spa week at La

Costa, I run around the house by...

She tends to take that week off.

Swim or shoot!

Okay, Harvard, when you're done here, I
want you up in processing.

Up? Is that like a promotion?

It's a whole new tax bracket.

Is he kidding, or is it really a
promotion?

Not important.

It's about the work.

He did say huh.

I empty the thingy. Thanks.

Most people don't. Most people are
animals.

You used to be a lawyer, right?

Yeah, but that was the old Greg, the
false Greg. Now I'm just being the best

darn squid skinner I can be. I got
promoted today, I think. Good for you.

Can I tell you something? I requested a
non -smoking room.

Oh, sorry.

I grew up in Puerto Rico.

So then I moved to New York.

Same thing.

Then I came out here. I meet Anthony.

You saw him. He's a dreamboat.

But I'm still not happy.

So I go to the doctor. Snip, snip, snip.
There I am. I'm beautiful.

I got a tight little tummy, but that's
not from the operation. That's from the

Tybone.

And your point is? I'm still not happy.

I hear what you're saying.

I changed locations.

I changed jobs. But I'm still the same
guy. A journey of self -discovery is not

external. It's internal.

Whatever.

My question is, I cut off my TV for
Anthony and now he doesn't want me. So

sue him? Because he got a ton of money
from a fake car accident.

I don't know. Do you have any evidence?

Come on, Papi.

Save them in a jar like tonsils.

I can start right here. Or you can start
right here.

What if I start here?

Oh, then I would start right here. Hold
on.

Wait a minute, I don't understand. Why
did you go fishing with my father?

Because he was sad that you weren't here
for your annual fishing trip. What

annual fishing trip?

Every year, you, your dad...

Darma, we've lived together for two
years. You ever seen me go fishing with

father?

Who are you calling? I got up in the
middle of the night, drove five hours

to drink beer and throw up all over your
dad's Mercedes. Kitty?

Hi, Darma.

You know, I was thinking, and you're
right.

You're his mother, and you deserve to
know where he is. Do you have a pen?

Open the door, dear.

Who are you?

It's none of your business.

It so happens that Greg is a very good
friend of mine, so I'm making him my

business.

I am his mother.

Oh, I heard about you.

Let me ask you a question, Mommy.

Can a woman wear white to a wedding if
she wasn't a virgin when she still had a

penis?

Shane has gone away.

Do -da, do -da.

Drink martinis naked.