Original subtitles

The Dean Martin Celebrity Roast, coming to you from the MGM Grand Hotel in the

entertainment capital of the world, Las Vegas, Nevada.

The glittering city of excitement and laughter provides the scintillating

backdrop for tonight's star -studded roast.

Ladies and gentlemen, from the Celebrity Room of the Grand Hotel, Dean Martin

honors our man of the hour, Mr.

Telly Savalas, with tonight's guest, Angie Dickinson.

Don Rickles, Dick Martin, Ernest Forsythe, Dan Rowan,

Phyllis Dillard, Shelly Winters, Rich Little,

George Kennedy, Richard Ramfrey, Howard Cosell,

Robert Stack,

Nipsey Russell,

Alec Terrace, Dom DeLuise, Peter Gray.

Foster Brooks.

Jaron McGavin.

And your Roastmaster, Dean Martin.

And tonight's very special man of the hour, Kevin DeValle.

Tally. You are without a doubt the biggest star in show business today, and

that's the first of many lies you'll hear tonight.

You're a new kind of sex symbol, rough and tough. Every week this man gets over

10 ,000 fan letters, all from bald -headed women.

is today's most popular sex symbol his wife is never jealous because Telly has

great strength of character women are always asking Telly to cheat and he

gives them the same answer yes

he lives

by the wisdom of Socrates who once said show me a man who wears a

robe

of sackcloth, burlap sandals, and walks with a goat by his side, and I'll show

you a contestant on Let's Make a Deal.

Terry, I hope your life gets more interesting because people are beginning

walk out of here.

Now it's time for our very funny friend, Phyllis Diller.

Phyllis has a singular distinction for the past two years. She's been on the

best dressed list for men.

There's another singular distinction. When she visits her psychiatrist, he

her lay on the couch face down.

Ladies and gentlemen, here she is, Granny Walton West, Miss Phyllis

I'm here for one reason.

I want to be your secretary.

You see, every detective on television has a Girl Friday, and I want to do

things for you, Telly. Just you. I don't want to work for Columbo. He'd smoke

all my cigars.

And I couldn't work for Cannon because he's so fat he'd want to wear my panty

girdle.

And who wants to work for McCloud? At the end of the day, he comes back to his

office and kisses the horse.

I'd be great in police work. Believe me, I would. I have everything Angie

Dickinson has.

Only with me, I have to search a little longer to find it.

And I know office work, and I'm crazy about you.

You could fold, spindle, and mutilate me all you want.

And I'd never tell.

Look, I'm no kid. I've been around.

I've been spindled before.

And in no time at all, I'll break up a dope ring. You and your brother George.

I'd even help you break up prostitution rings.

I'll even help you start one.

Like I said, I've been spindled before.

Believe me, I want to get crimes of passion off the street and back into the

bedroom where they belong.

Kelly, I'd die for you. I've looked into the barrel of a .38 before.

I took a bullet in the chest last year. I lost a pint of blood and two quarts of

silicone.

I know what a man like you needs when he comes home. A pipe, slippers, and a dog

lying at his feet.

Me.

I understand the Drinker's Hall of Fame has just retired your liver.

Before I do pay my disrespects to Telly Savalas, I should like to pay my

respects to the appearance on the dais of my Monday Night Football compatriot,

Alex Karras.

Number 71, Dino, you didn't mention that, who has become a legendary figure,

course, in the history of professional football.

It's now documented that a fat man out of shape can be one of the all -time

greats.

Now I should like to turn the spotlight on Telly Savalas, but I'm afraid the

reflection would blind everybody.

In actuality, Telly is very versatile.

As you've all borne witness to see, he does everything badly.

Telly has made a number of motion pictures over the years. His pictures

had a message, and that message was, don't go to see them.

His ego has reached such monumental proportions that one night on his show,

expect to see him get shot down.

and perish in his own arm.

There is one arena in which Telly truly excels. He is renowned for his

proclivity in the pursuit of the opposite sex. In fact, he's the poster

the Massage Paula Foundation.

Showtellers, through this compendium of divergent information, your true

personality has emerged.

I don't understand a word you're saying.

What else is new?

Telly Savalas is vain, oversexed, egomaniacal, insufferable.

And he is overbearing, which proves...

As I view it, that you are truly a well -rounded human being. Right.

A few years ago, George Kennedy had a TV series called Sarge.

In it, he played a cop who became a priest.

You might say he went from bunco to bingo.

George and I appeared in a picture called Airport.

He was in the ground crew.

I was the pilot, which gives you a good idea why he wanted to stay on the

ground.

Ladies and gentlemen, very fine acting, a good guy, Mr. George Kennedy.

On an evening dedicated to making light of the attributes of our...

honored guest.

I find myself a minority of one. How can I possibly disparage a man like this,

who in the maturity of life has become such a huge success, despite being bald,

Greek, and funny looking?

Who can measure the anguish in his soul when a stranger approaches and says to

him, she's a telly, here comes George Montgomery with a polishing cloth.

Nature can be cruel also to those born slightly to the lust of Cary Grant.

Now, you and I frolic at the beach without a care in the world.

Telly steps out onto the silver sands, a gull swoops down and tries to hatch his

head.

And now that Telly has become a giant in our profession, one question remains.

Will success go to his head?

Probably, but it'll keep sticking out.

Tonight we have with us the man who guides Kelly Stavallis through any

crisis. One of the country's leading psychiatrists, Dr.

J. William Koch.

Thank you, Mr. Martin, and may I say it is very gratifying indeed to see one of

my patients doing so well.

This virtuosity, this...

Virtuoso,

this virtuoso... Out of the video.

came to me fretful that his drinking might set a bad example for his many

viewers.

After only one consultation, he vowed that he... This is what he said to me.

He said, no more drinking on the air. And this is what he did. He would take

tuxedo and dip it in booze, and then from time to time he would just suck his

sleeve.

When this Armenian armadillo...

First came to me, he walked into my office and he burst into tears. Doctor,

said, doctor, I have trouble holding a woman.

And then I said, do like I do, grab anything that doesn't have cold cream on

I had to use the latest psychiatric techniques in order to cure this

to free associate, and he did. He took my nurse to the Grand Hotel, the MTM.

it was grand because it was free.

The man was insatiable. I thought it was Italian.

In fact, my nurse called him Helen because he was always ready.

Tony Savalas, by the way, this is really serious, has a deep -seated fear of the

opposite sex, and it's manifested in this.

Every time he removed the wrapper, He is symbolically undressing a female.

That's true.

To tell you the truth, this is a woman.

To me, this is a woman.

A lot of your friends couldn't be here tonight.

Reset wires or telegrams.

Oh, there's Tully.

Dear Tully, enjoy your show, but don't care much for the strange

-sounding name Kojak that you use. Sign Kodiak, Banachek, and Kolchak.

Finally, this one. Dear Tully, I heard you say in an interview that baldness is

a sign of... Ver -verility. I would like proof of that. Signed, Mrs.

Tully Savala.

Now I'd like you to all meet Mr.

Peter Graves.

Since we're roasting a TV detective, we felt we should get the star of Mission

Impossible, but we couldn't reach Peter Lupus.

The only man.

with black dandruff, Mr. Peter Graves.

Now, I think you're about to see a television first.

Dean accidentally drank a glass of water and he's going to self -destruct in

five seconds.

Now, he mentioned my hair. I guess really one of the main reasons that I'm

at the MGM Grand Hotel tonight on this day is because of my hair.

And later on, I'm supposed to give Telly head -to -head resuscitation.

Now, you know, some people knock detective shows, but I think Kojak has

very good effect.

You know, the crime has dropped off so much in one city that the mafia laid off

seven judges.

Now, one final note on Telly. He is a dedicated actor and a fine performer.

And he has dared to do something that nobody else on television would do. He

hired his brother.

Your fans are really devoted. We have one of them with us tonight who drove

miles to the Megum Hotel.

MGM, okay.

in a beat -up old car just to meet you. I'd like to bring him out now. Ladies

and gentlemen, here's Teller Savalas' number one fan.

Excuse me.

Mr.

Savalas, I just want to ask...

Wow, it's really you, isn't it?

You know, my wife, this man drives my wife bananas.

Watched Kojak last week, went out and shaved the cat.

I hope I'm not bothering you, sir, but do you happen to know a cocktail

named Hilda Zabicki?

She's got a problem, sir.

To use TV lingo, you might say she's all in the family way.

Now, wait a minute. A big TV star like you would never take advantage of a

sweet, innocent cocktail waitress.

I wish I could say the same for you, sir.

Mr. Sabellis, I'm sorry I bothered you. Wait a minute.

Wait.

Maybe you can help me after all.

You see, this yo -yo I'm looking for likes lollipops.

And, well...

He left this wrapper that I have here between the seatbelts of Hilda's

Amulet. Interesting wrapper.

Want to know the flavor?

Great.

Funny, that's almost what Hilda hollered.

I'll be waiting backstage for you, sir.

I thought that was really Peter Lupus.

Our next guest is the irrepressible Shelly Winters. In the picture, The

Adventure, Shelly had to swim underwater for a minute and a half, which in her

case is a record for keeping her mouth shut.

Lovely lady. We all love her in this business. Miss Shelley Winters. And a

great...

Now,

I know now why they call the MGM Grand Hotel a lush hotel.

You know, everybody on this desk is talking about telly, but I'm really the

one qualified to talk about them. We go back a long time together, 12, 15 years.

We've made three pictures together, among other things.

One of them was made in Mexico, and it was called the Scalp

Hunters. Maybe you've seen it on television.

Scalp Hunters. Have you seen that picture?

he wore his hat most of the time.

You see, he was a villain and I was his ma and I was in this covered wagon in a

brass bed.

Girls, can you imagine spending three hot months in Mexico with Telly in a

bed?

And then we did a film called The Young Savages in New York.

It's dangerous making pictures in the ghetto areas in New York. Till he saved

from being molested.

He really did.

He forgot my room number.

Then we did a film in Rome. It was called Buona Sera, Mrs. Campbell. You

have seen it. And we stayed at a famous hotel where all the airline

stewardesses, you know, from TWA stayed.

running up and down the hallways and shouting, try me, I'm Telly!

I wasn't supposed to say anything nice tonight about Telly, but the qualities

that have suddenly made Telly a national sex symbol is something I've enjoyed

for a long time.

I'd love that, Mr. Booth.

Ernest Borgnine, whose portrayal of Marty won him an Oscar for Best Actor.

His latest movie is called Law and Disorder, and already the Academy is

about that same Oscar. They want it back.

My good friend, Ernest Borgnine. Let us hear it.

You know, I know he said that I am his good friend.

But I think he's got me mixed up with somebody else. Because when I came in

tonight, he said, Hi, Ernest. How's Julia?

You know, as I look at the people on the dais, I'm reminded of an old movie of

mine, The Dirty Dozen.

Of course, now, that doesn't apply to Don Rickles.

You remind me of another movie that I made.

Willard.

I'm going to be honest with you, buddy.

I'm getting sick and tired of hearing all this bunk about you being the latest

sex symbol.

Come on. There hasn't been a Greek sex symbol since Anthony Quinn played Zorba.

And he's Irish and a Mexican.

And that's not Mexican Harris.

Here's a scene from an upcoming episode in which two of Kojak's

undercover agents are setting up... A stakeout.

I've got the yo -yo.

I've got the string.

You know what you're supposed to do?

Yeah. The lieutenant's been drilling me.

Okay.

What's your first move?

I take a kayak to Quincy or Nyack. No.

No, you don't.

I take a kojak to Quincy or Mojack. No. No.

take a powder to Boston for chocolate.

All right. I remember it well.

Good. Now, what time do we meet?

We meet at nine.

Oh, we meet at eight.

I'll be on time.

Oh, you'll be late.

Ah, yes.

I remember it well.

I dine with friends.

You dine alone.

A tenor sings.

Baritone.

Everybody loves song.

Can

we

get a tenor? Never mind that. Have you got a straight so far?

Yes. I remember it well.

That dazzling April moon.

There'll be.

No moon that night in the month of June.

Of course.

That's right.

That's right.

Didn't Kojak teach you anything?

Sure, he taught me his specialty.

His specialty.

Right. Taught me that, too.

Police brutality.

How did he do that? Well, he made me listen to his album.

His album? Album.

That's brutal, all right. It sure is. How come everybody loves him?

Everybody.

Somebody. Somebody.

We're all going to sit down.

Let's subway ride.

I'll let you drive me home.

You lose a glove. No, Kojak's cone.

Oh, yeah.

on our credits, many people with helping him become a star, but none more than

the man you're about to meet.

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Tully Savalas' personal barber, Mr.

Brooks.

Oh. Oh.

Hi, Saggy.

I happen to be the personal barber for Tally Saliva.

I am always on call in much the same fashion as many of

the damsels of this fair city.

in my hand, this crafty razor.

The finely honed instrument which has made Telly stand out in her crowd.

Unless he's among you, Brenner, Mr.

Clean, or Norman, Norman Vincent, after I peeled him.

Yet great as my contributions have been, I cannot claim so credit for Curley's

success.

Much of the credit must go to this gusty Greek himself.

Because, you see, ladies and gentlemen, in a world full of armpits, he dared to

be an elbow.

I'm going to introduce our next guest, who I met just once, but now, Richard

Roundtree, who became an overnight sensation as the star of Shaft.

A great guy, Mr. Richard Roundtree.

We're here tonight to pay tribute to Teller Savalas, or as I'd like to think

him, the...

Hunky Isaac Hayes.

Nobody ever worked harder to achieve success than Telly. He spent weeks

preparing himself for the role of Kojak.

Prowling the streets of New York, observing the city, studying its

beating up winos.

But the most important thing Tully brought to Kojak was his own

Now, he has taken a character of a New York cop and given him a great dignity,

in much the same way that the black man was given dignity by Amos and Andy.

Let's introduce a fine actor. As the dynamic Elliot Ness, he casts a spell

American ears with such electric lines of dialogue as, let's go.

Come on, men.

And once in a two -parter, you're surrounded, Roselli.

I'm speaking about Mr.

Robert Stack, ladies and gentlemen.

I think I was invited here tonight because about a third of my life ago I

a law enforcement officer.

That has to be the reason because I don't know Mr.

Savalas.

This evening, however, I've listened and learned a lot about him.

I've learned his nose is not the one nature endowed him with, but rather a

cutting from Karl Maldon's.

I now know that this great man has a tendency to do strange things with

lollipops.

I've learned that his head is either an egg, a moon, a cantaloupe, or upon

closer inspection, a model for half of a maiden format.

I now know a lot of things about this remarkable man. And after leaving them

all, I can truthfully say, I'm glad I never met him.

If Telly were not such a passionate lover, he would have his curly locks

But women have hugged, kissed, and patted till they rubbed his hair away.

What I find ingratiating about the man is his affinity for the underprivileged,

and why not?

He's a poverty kid from a large family. He had so many brothers and sisters, he

used to come home late so he could sleep on top of the pie.

what it was to be hungry.

If somebody threw that dog a bone, the dog had to signal for a fair catch.

And now he's become a star, contrary to the prevailing opinion.

He is not proficient in police methods, telling anybody would know you don't

frisk a streaker.

That's why.

That's our profit.

Sure. What does a Greek know about being a detective?

All of the truly great legendary detectives have been my people.

Don't sit there and stare. I can name them.

Boston Blackie.

to the ghetto of Watts and Harlem for a little familiarization, he got too

familiar.

He saw a soul brother standing in a dark doorway. He walked over and gave him

the Black Power sign.

Telly said, right on, brother.

The dude said, put that other hand in the air. Whitey, this is a sticker.

I love you, Telly.

you on your recent marriage and leave you with a word of caution.

Sometimes the honeymoon doesn't work out when May gets married to December, for

the sweet young thing has never learned how and the old goat doesn't remember.

ladies and gentlemen, is a man of whom a Xerox machine once said, copycat.

Mr. Rich Little.

I read an article not too long ago, and it's been said many times up here

tonight. Telly Savalas is a new sex symbol?

I asked John Wayne about that.

And Duke said, well, Telly's

bell is a sex symbol. Well, that's the funniest damn thing I've ever heard in

life.

Then

I

asked Truman Capote about the sexiness of Telly, and Truman said,

Well, there's no doubt about it in my mind that Telly is one of the

sexiest people that ever lived.

As a matter of fact, Telly Savalas has got animal magnetism.

And he smells like it, too.

Ask Jack Benny what he thought about Tully Savalas.

Well, what the hell, he doesn't do a thing for me.

But then, I never asked him.

I'd like to close with a word from Spiro Agnew.

Do you remember Spiro? Well,

Telly, as the former vice president of the United States

of America, I just want to say one thing to you tonight. I hope that you remain

in show business and do not go into politics because I don't think the

ready for another Greek in Washington. Thank you very much.

Our next guest is a beautiful lady, the star of our own television series,

Police Woman.

I did a number of pictures with her, and I always knew that she was destined to

do a police series, because every time I tried to sing, she said, Dean, you have

the right to remain silent.

Here she is now, lovely Miss Angie Dickinson.

I've just seen a preview of your latest picture, Mr.

Rico, in which you play a San Francisco lawyer.

And all I can say is, I object.

Kelly, your show is a tremendous hit, and I must say you deserve it. You may

be the greatest detective on television, but you're certainly the best dressed,

with the possible exception of Christy Love.

Women dig that, Telly. They watch you on television and have fantasies of being

alone with you and running their fingers through your hat.

But the best indication of what you're really like comes from women who've

actually met you. I mean, no matter how casually, like waitresses, secretaries,

stewardesses, they all comment on the same thing, your openness. You keep

nothing to yourself, especially your hands.

But you know, I think the secret to your popularity with women is a certain

quality you exude. It's called charisma, which as you know is a Greek word

meaning horny.

Welcome to the beast of Beverly Hills, Don Rickles.

It's starting to go bad, Dean.

Your body is starting to go mildew, I mean that.

Kathy, his lovely wife, is not here tonight. She's in the park on the swing.

so many great friends. George Kennedy, who said to me backstage, I never met

Telly.

George, you made a fool of yourself when you were up here. You really did.

George, my biggest claim to fame is that Clint Eastwood is his idol.

And he and Clint Eastwood spent an evening together watching a fly die in a

blanket.

I would like to say to Shelley Winters, the last time I saw her, Montgomery

Clift was dropping an oar on her head and she said, I won't drown.

Charlie, you're a great star today. You've told me that backstage about four

times, I believe.

These are all your dear friends, Telly.

Alex Karras, the one guy you know personally, was running in the back with

helmet on into the wall.

But it's great. And Slappy, uh, Slappy.

Nipsey. You're all, you know, you all look alike.

I kicked a black man, and you know that, baby. And you were beautiful to tell

me. Tell me it's a great Greek, and you're a great black man, and I'm a Jew.

I say this from my heart. On behalf of the Greeks and the Jewish people, don't

move into the neighborhood.

See if he's laughing.

The black people, they get moody.

I'm only kidding you. You know that.

What a great...

Really, you should be delighted, Telly. These are a great array of stars.

Everyone here is somebody who is really not that big.

Dean looked around and went, I got it, Dean. I don't give a damn.

And Bob Stack, you're a lot of fun. He's the type of guy you meet in Carmel with

Clint Eastwood just standing around saying, look at that, sap is dripping

the tree.

I'll put it another way, Bob, you're a dull guy.

Peter Graves is a fantastic man.

Gets up in the morning and said, is my brother alive?

His brother is Jim Arness. He's not here tonight. He jumped on his horse and his

saddle was on an angle.

Darren McGavin, The Night Stalker is my favorite show. In fact, I use that one,

your show, as a nightlight when I fool with the wife.

Howard Cosell, I will mention your name, only because you have asked for it.

Frank Sinatra would be here tonight, but there was too much excitement, so he

called it off.

He's in Palm Springs, just sitting there alone trying to pick off Australians.

To you, my golden Greek, rise, my friend, rise.

Let the life of love and may our love always be together.

May you do to me what I plan to do to you.

It's not over yet.

This is Yugoslavian.

I like you very much, Tony.

I like you more than I thought I would like you.

Please sit down because we could be married in an hour.

Most television detectors...

have a gimmick or a trademark that they use to show the world how tough they

are. For example, Cannon uses his size, Ironside uses his intellect, and Columbo

uses his ratings.

So Tully came up with another gimmick for Kojak.

of the police department, Lieutenant Kojak himself, Mr.

Talley Saval.

Ladies and gentlemen, members of the days.

This is an honor that comes to a man once in a lifetime.

And why the heck did that come in mind?

Some days, on Kojak, we got better -looking steps at the morgue.

Just think, there's $10 million worth of talent in this day. That's before

inflation. Today, you can pick them all up for a buck and a half.

Tonight you attacked the fact that I was bald.

You attacked my singing voice.

My heritage.

And I laughed right along.

With you.

Somebody had to laugh.

I'm glad that George Kennedy is here this evening, George.

If I had your talent...

I'd be doing the weather on Channel 13.

Where's Bob Starr?

Bob?

Bob, I have a little advice for you.

Being we're at the MGM Grand in Vegas, you ought to go out to the crap table,

bet your sense of humor on a hard eight, and if you're lucky, you'll lose.

And Shelley Winters, huh?

What a privilege to have you here.

You were so lovely to me, darling.

Here's a girl that's taken home Oscars, Tonys.

She'll go home with anybody.

You know, she was super in the Poseidon Adventure. Did you see her?

What? Huh?

The special effects in that picture.

You know, I wonder how they ever got that tub to turn over.

Not the boat, Shelly.

Alex Karras, so nice to see you here.

You know, Alex was more than just a football star in Detroit, and that's

This year, as you all may know, General Motors is using his body as a model for

the airbag.

Oh, you guys are something else.

I wish I knew what.

You know, we're really indebted to you for your old laughing show.

It started so many trends, like the trend to watch Howard Gassell on Monday

Night Football.

And what can I say about, uh... What's his name again?

John Pickles.

John Pickles?

You know, he's had that impossible dream.

How to keep a television show on the air for more than 13 weeks.

Hey.

I'm Richard Jountry. Where are you?

I loved you as a chef.

It was a great show.

It was still beyond.

They hadn't put you opposite bowling for dollars.

And Howard Cassette.

Howard and I worked together many years ago.

And he's not a very nice man.

One night he borrowed my hair, and he never returned it.

You know, I could go on and add in fanatum, but none of you dummies know

that means anyway.

I would like to thank you. The remaining members of the dais, you proved one

thing.

You've got guts. Oh, yeah.

You've got guts, and you confirmed it.

Billy, sing for us.

A perfect evening is one which brings together wine, people, conversation, and

knowing in the recesses of my heart that one underlying truth.

How did I ever get sucked into a dull party like this?

Good night, everybody.