Original subtitles

The Dean Martin Celebrity Roast, coming to you from the MGM Grand Hotel in the

entertainment capital of the world, Las Vegas, Nevada.

Ladies and gentlemen, from the beautiful Ziegfeld Room, tonight's star -studded

roast has brought together some of the world's greatest entertainers. They've

come from all over the world to be here tonight, here in Las Vegas, in person,

joining Dean Martin as he honors tonight's very special man of the hour.

Ted Knight.

With tonight's guests, Jimmy Stewart, Georgia Engel,

Julie McQuitter, Ed Asner, Red Button,

Lawanda Pays, Paul Williams, Gavin McCloud,

Jackie Mason, Harvey Corman.

Foster Brooks, Jimmy Walker, Scatman Crothers, Jack

Carter, Orson Welles, Kelly Monteith, your Roastmaster, Dean

Martin, and tonight's man of the hour, Ted Knight!

Although you all know our guest of honor as Ted Knight, he was born of Polish

parents, and his real name is... Let

me spell it.

It's T -A -D -E -W -U -R -Z -W -L -A -D -V

-U -I -K -O -N...

grew up in Terryville, Connecticut, and life wasn't easy for this poor Polish

kid.

Every morning he got up in the cold New England winters and walked five miles to

school and five miles back at night. Why he did this, we'll never know, because

the school was right next door to his house.

And in 1944, Ted was the first GI to attack Berlin.

And believe me, Irving wasn't too happy about it.

He joined a dramatic group in Hartford, Connecticut.

Not only did Ted get bad reviews, but Hartford canceled his life insurance.

He has no friends.

He's so lonesome, I could die.

Last week, he bought two CB radios so he could talk to himself.

Yeah, people ask me, where are the new comedians coming from?

Well, this one is coming from my left.

Very funny guy. The star of television's Good Times, Mr. Jimmy Walker.

Thank you, Dean.

Well, here I am, the black prince, honoring the Ted Knight, the white

Dean was just saying that Ted was of Polish descent, and Polish people are

really very proud of Ted. He's just received the highest Polish award last

called the Golden Sausage Award for being Poland's Joke of the Year.

Ted's a funny guy, man. In fact, he told me he plans to continue in showbiz

after Mary Tyler Moore goes off the air.

Doesn't know what he'll do after the gong show, though.

Ted, as you can see right here, has a magnificent head of gray hair. I mean,

is really beautiful.

And inside every silver lining, there is a cloud.

An insurance company wanted to use Ted's head as their trademark.

To go along with their slogan, get a piece of the rock.

A lot of people say that Ted's dumb. He's not that dumb.

A psychiatrist just gave Ted one of those experimental IQ tests.

Ted did so well, they said they're going to try it on mice.

And Ted's versatile voice, as we all know when Ted speaks, Ted has a great

that enables him to do many voiceovers in many movies. And few people know that

Ted was the famous Francis the Talking Mule. And critics have said that Ted

the perfect ass.

Funny, wonderful man, Mr.

Harvey Cohen.

Thank

you.

You know, I'm really glad to be here. I'm always amazed to come here to the

great MGM Grand Hotel.

I mean, I can't believe this. It has a pool, it has a movie theater, a

place, an entire shopping center.

Five restaurants and over 2 ,100 rooms covering over 2 .5 million square feet.

Can you imagine that? All that space, and Dean sleeps on a cot behind the bar.

It doesn't really sound right for Ted Knight to have a roast, does it? I mean,

it should be like a fish fry or something.

Now, it is true. He is a wonderful guy, but Ted is a little tight with money.

This is true. And he has a very ingenious way of writing his home off as

business expense.

First of all, it's a church.

Ted, you do have a great way of cutting corners. Really, he invites 20 people

over for dinner, for instance, and he makes dinner for 10.

And you start off the evening with a rousing game of musical food.

He serves two types of wine with his dinner. You have the 30 cents a glass

the 40 cents a glass.

I had two cocktails before dinner.

I wanted to have a third one. I really wanted a cocktail, but I ran out of

for the vending machine.

Actually, I didn't run out of dimes. I wanted to save a dime in case I had to

to the bathroom.

Well, what am I talking about? Look at me. I'm doing a roast for Ted Knight.

You'll get it. Shows you how far I've slipped.

I want you to know that really, seriously, I want to tell you that it

personal sacrifice for me to come here and appear on this road tonight.

I was truly hoping and praying that I could go through my whole life without

ever meeting Ted Knight again.

Ladies and gentlemen, Julie McWhirker.

But listen, the reason I'm here tonight, Ted, is because so many of your good

television friends couldn't be with you due to a very important previous

commitment. They're attending a Tupperware party at Paul Lynn's house.

But I'm here to tell you what they would have said had they been able to be

here. Now, Rhoda would have said, Hey, this is terrific.

Me on a Dean Martin road.

Listen, Ted, my kid sister Brenda wants to add her congratulations on this most

auspicious, on this auspicious, on this terrific evening here. Go ahead, Brenda,

speak to the creep.

Don't be so hard on Ted.

Frankly, he appeals to me in a strange sort of way.

Listen, there's someone else here, Ted, who would like to add her good wishes.

Go ahead, Georgette.

Happy to see you're having such a big night.

On the show, you and I have been married for quite a while.

And I've never had a big night.

So here he is, a guy... with a comedy style that's really off the wall.

I don't know what that means, but here he is. Jackie Mason.

How do you do? You probably noticed I'm not wearing a tuxedo because I'll be

honest with you, I don't believe in this show. I didn't want to be here.

I'm sorry I showed up.

I don't know Ted Knight. I never liked Ted Knight.

I met that night before the show. He said hello. I wasn't too crazy about it.

looked at me.

He told me he's Polish. I don't believe it. Polish people don't look like that.

I'm not going to make fun of the Polish people because I love the Polish people.

My best friend is a guy half Polish, half Jewish.

He's a janitor, but he owns the building.

But I don't judge a man by his religion. I don't judge a man by his color. Like

J .J. Walker. He's a wonderful kid. God bless him. I won't say a word against

him. I don't say against anything black. A black person I don't pick on because

this is their season.

I see a black guy today, I give him everything. And if he don't want it, I

go ahead.

If he don't want it, I buy him something.

I got into a taxi today. I saw a black driver. I said, do me a favor. Take me

wherever you want. I'll go over there.

I'm paying tribute to a guy I don't like.

I'm taking a big chance, and J .J. Walker pays tribute to him, too. How do

know? How do you know how he feels about black people?

Most people who look like him don't even bother with black people.

That's right.

Did you ever come to dinner to a guy who looks like this in his house?

Don't lie. You never did.

So why are you paying tribute to him?

Did your wife ever say to you, guess who's coming to dinner?

I took chances. I said whatever I wanted. You know why? Because I know

Martin doesn't even know I showed up.

Well, ladies and gentlemen, from the bottom of my heart, I want to wish

the very best of everything.

I want to tell you that night, you know, everybody likes to finish these

monologues by telling you that they were kidding, they were sorry, they picked

on you. I wasn't kidding. I meant every word I said.

got him and you can have him, the beautiful Mr.

Red Button.

So why is this man getting a dinner, ladies and gentlemen, when some of the

biggest people in the history of the world never got a dinner?

King Solomon, who said to his thousand wives, for better service, take a

Never got a dinner.

Socrates.

Socrates, who said when he drank the cup of hemlock, are you sure this is just a

Pepsi test?

Bert Park's wife.

Zelda.

Zelda Park.

Who said to Bert when he returned from Atlantic City, do you mean to tell me

this is the only job you could get the whole year?

Norman Lear.

Ask Norman Lear, who once said to Pope Paul, if you should ever decide to do a

series.

Betty

Ford,

who said to Rosalind Carter, no, there are no cockroaches in the kitchen.

said to her servant when he brought her the head of John the Baptist on a train,

for this you use the good silver?

Amelia Earhart, who once said, stop looking for

me, see if you can find my luggage.

our next guest, LaWanda Page.

So let's give this gal a great big hand because she's beautiful.

Thank

you,

Dean.

It's so nice being a television personality.

Not only do I like having people recognize me when I'm walking down the

but I don't have to do floors anymore.

Which means when he falls down, I don't have to pick him up.

You can pick me up anytime, baby.

Back off, you hot hunky.

You touch me, baby, and George...

and will stop by your house one night and sit on your car with you in it.

But it's a real thrill to be here tonight standing between this Polish

and this Italian boozer.

Truly, it's a real pleasure for me to meet you. Because although I've seen

show on TV a lot of times, but I've never met you in person.

Man, are you white.

And let me tell you another thing.

You're more than just white.

You're five feet, ten inches worth of chalk.

Which means that we could make a terrific team because everybody knows

chalk goes good with a blackboard, honey.

You mean back black broad?

Oh, I'm sorry. That's a board. Board. Cool it, you Sicilian sex machine.

And besides, I want to make a move because I'm sick of Red Pots calling me

I hear what you're saying, Jimmy Walker. I am not ugly. I've just picked an

unusual way of being beautiful.

Horton Wells came in tonight with a cute little blonde on his arm.

Paul Williams.

One of the most prolific and important songwriters in the country today.

This is a great man, Mr. Paul Williams.

I was sitting over here.

Just kind of a swell little guy, kind of minding his own business on my pile of

telephone books.

Ted sings.

Not really. He kind of produces a sound, really. It's not a singing.

I think he gets it from rubbing his hind legs together.

But he has a giant heart, and I must tell you that, you know, it may not be

funny, but it's honest, and from all of it, you mean nothing, Ted.

Ladies and gentlemen, one of Hollywood's most distinguished talents, Ed Hasner.

Thank you, Dean.

Thank you very, very much.

Perhaps you're wondering why Mary Tyler Moore isn't here tonight.

You see, we tossed a coin.

And I lost.

Now, I have always found that Polish jokes are in poor taste.

Till I met Ted.

It's been seven years I've had to live with this man.

It's been hard and toilsome, but I've enjoyed every minute of it.

Well, almost every minute of it.

And I just want to say thanks.

Everybody knows Ted Knight plays a TV anchorman on the Mary Tyler Moore show,

but you may not know Ted was a TV reporter in his hometown for real.

With us tonight, a newscaster who worked with Ted, now the owner of KTER

in Terryville, Connecticut.

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Foster Hinkle.

Well, Ted, I guess your old TV home, hometown TV station looks small, small

you now.

As a matter of fact, it is.

We didn't have, we didn't have a big audience. Most of the time, the pigeons

wouldn't even sit on our antenna.

We still, we still, we still sign off around

nine o 'clock.

Most folks turn off before that.

Ted and I were quite a news team.

He was green, but he was eager.

I'd read the football scores and Ted would just stand there waving his palm.

I broke him in slow.

His first assignment was...

I believe it was the cover of Fire.

Remember, Ted?

By the time he found the place, the fire was out.

I didn't bother Ted. He started it again.

Like everybody, Ted has had his share of problems.

When World War II broke out, he had a terrible experience.

with U .S. Army.

They took him.

A lot of you have been making jokes about Ted's... about Ted's... about how

Ted is.

But I don't agree, because once, while working for a newspaper, Ted printed an

article saying that a man was... was dead.

Next day, the man called and was...

very much alive, and demanded that Ted retract the statement.

Ted told him, our newspaper never retracts.

But I can put you in the birth column tomorrow and give you a fresh start.

Pal of mine and I love him. Mr.

Jimmy Stewart You

know

many of you here recognize

Ted Knight as a talented actor.

Many of you, I'd say, more than that. Maybe a whole bunch of you recognize

But has anyone recognized this man as a dedicated actor?

No? Well...

If you look it up in your

old funk and waggon...

You'll find that the first meaning of the word dedicated is to be

committed.

But another definition of dedicated is ardent, persistent, willing

to do anything for what you believe.

Back in 1965, we were making a Civil War picture called Shenandoah.

In those days, Ted believed he was a great actor.

Now, Shenandoah was a story about a Confederate family that was torn by the

And I played the part of a father with six young sons.

And we were casting for the juveniles, and Ted Knight bounced in.

And at first I thought maybe he was going to try out for the part of General

Robert E. Lee.

I should have guessed otherwise for two reasons.

One, his hair was jet black.

He just reeked of Grecian formula.

When I pointed out that the role called for a teenager,

he admitted that he was looking forward to his 20th birthday.

And before I could tell him that he was facing in the wrong direction, He

whipped out a scrapbook full of what he said were rave stage reviews.

And they might have been rave stage reviews.

I just never could read Polish.

He confessed that he hadn't had an acting job in, oh, three years.

So when I asked him why he didn't give up acting, he said,

How can I? It's my living.

So when he got up to leave, I gave him some advice.

I told him to just act natural, just be himself.

And to this day, that's just what he is.

And I'm sorry, Ted, that's the worst advice I ever gave anyone.

Ladies and gentlemen, the real, real down -to -earth entertainer, the great

Scatman Crudder.

It's high time that I met Ted Knight face -to -face, because for years I used

go with his sister, Gladys.

I was one of her first pips.

You see, I do know a whole lot about Ted.

As a garbage man, if you really want to find out about a cat, you've got to

check his trash.

Because you are what you throw out.

And Ted has been thrown out of more places than anybody.

Now, everybody knows that Ted is pretty conceited.

But it takes the garbage man to find out just how conceited you really are.

You see, most people put their addresses on their garbage can.

This cat's got his picture.

Say, what else I found in this cat's trash can?

A learner's permit for a sex therapy course.

Say, this man has got some ugly trash.

I ain't had nothing that ugly on my truck since I picked up LaWanda Page at

bus stop.

Don't worry.

I'll take LaWanda back to the room right after dinner in a doggy bag.

A fine actor and a wonderful man, Mr. Gavin McCloud.

Well, Ted, I can't deny and no one else here can deny that you're a famous man.

I mean, I see your picture on magazine covers.

I see you on talk shows.

You know, he's even on display at the Hollywood Wax Museum.

Get there early, he leaves at nine.

If you listen, go over to Grauman's Chinese Theater. They have his

silly putty.

Well, I've said a lot of things about Ted in our newsroom on the show.

But there's one thing I've never said.

I'll miss you when you're not around.

You are full of joy, love, wonder, and I like you.

You have made the past seven years for me personally.

Ladies and gentlemen, one of my very favorite people and one of the

Miss Georgia Engel.

Whenever I'm on these roasts, they ask me to think of some really rough

But I'm not so good, and I can't think of anything zingy. So once again, the

staff gave me some mean things to say about the guests here on the dance. Some

slams, some heavy hits, and some put -down shtick.

Okay? There's the first rap.

I'm glad to see Jimmy Walker of good times here tonight.

Have you ever seen a body so skinny?

Do you know he entered the Mr. America contest and they took away his

citizenship?

Is that a winner?

Yeah, you really wiped him out, boy.

Oh, my goodness.

I'm sorry, Mr. Walker. I didn't mean to say that.

I saw you this morning at the hotel pool in your bathing trunks, and you

shouldn't worry about how you look.

There are at least two or three other fellows who looked almost as bad as you

did.

There's red buttons over there. It's really amazing.

Red's hair looks the same today as it did 30 years ago.

Died.

Why did you make me say a thing like that, Mr. Button?

Your hair looks very natural to me.

Especially the gray part that you missed.

I'm glad to see Paul Williams sitting on the dais.

He's the only one here whose hair is longer than he is.

Who shouldn't kick on you like that, Mr. Williams?

After all, you're a giant in your field, even if you happen to be a short giant.

And now we come to our guest of honor, my very good

friend, Ted Knight.

Ted Knight is really a success. One of the toy companies is coming out with a

Ted Knight doll.

You wind it up and the head gets bigger.

You know I never would have said that, Teddy Bear.

Ted and I have been working together for five years now, and I know his head

couldn't get any bigger.

Ladies and gentlemen, here is one of the brightest young comedians in nightclubs

and television today, Mr.

Kelly Monteith.

Always a pleasure to be in Vegas, the gambling capital of the world. Actually,

it's the tipping capital of the world, which you probably know. You tip for

everything up here, eh? Go crazy. People knock on your door.

Sun's up. Thank you. Here's a dollar.

But I appreciate being invited up here to honor this man, Mr. Ted Knight.

Fine man. They've been joking about your Polish ancestry all night, which I

really admire and I really respect in so many, because I really have no ethnic

background in a sense. I'm Scots -Irish, although I have no real sense of ethnic

identity. You know, I wasn't raised in a strong ethnic environment. There was no

Irish -speaking around the house.

A little Scotch now and then, but that's about it.

Because I know the road to success you took was very difficult. Ted's a very

successful television star now, which is a very difficult thing to do. You know,

it sounds easy, but it's very hard to be successful in this business. It

requires an immense amount of persistence and determination.

Get to the job and work those terrible little clubs. I remember those clubs in

Lubbock and Shreveport. Little strip clubs that you started out in.

I worked in one in Georgia once. First one I ever worked. I walked in.

There was a guy getting beat up in a corner. First thing I saw.

Every night there was a guy getting beat up in a club. House policy.

They just pull a guy out and beat him up.

Working on a show with strippers. You ever work with strippers? I'm sure you

must have worked with strippers in those places. No. Never did?

I worked with them.

Which I enjoyed, actually.

I worked with one stripper, I remember, that hated to be called a stripper. Some

of them didn't like that word stripper for some moments.

I remember I went backstage and I was the emcee. I had to introduce her. So I

asked her, I said, are you the stripper on the show? And she got incensed. I'm

not a stripper!

You get that straight right now, buster. I'm a dancer. I'm an artist.

And I'd come on. And they didn't want to hear me. In those clubs, they were all

guys. All men come in. They don't want to see me.

Something about those clubs, boy, when men change when they get in big groups.

used to watch them. The most sophisticated man in the world would

club, boy, 20 seconds later, to be an animal.

I don't want to see something naked.

That ain't right, boy. I want to see a chicken, a donkey, a goat. Hell, I don't

care.

the magnificent Orson Welles.

Yes, your honor, tonight, Ted Knight is the big hit on the Mary Tyler Moore

show, as everybody knows. He's also a realist.

And he knows that all good things must come to an end.

Eventually the day will come when they will not pay him.

$5 ,000 a week just for saying the words, Hi, Mayor.

Realizing this, Ted has fixed a beady blue eye on the future.

It's had the good sense to leave in my box at the hotel desk a screenplay of a

Western movie which he wrote as a starring vehicle for himself and which

would like me to direct.

And actually, I think Mr. Knight is not off the mark much when he desires to be

a Western hero.

You know, traditionally...

Some of our biggest box office stars have been those individuals with cold,

steely eyes, exteriors hard as nails, and that lethal ability to kill.

I'm talking about people like John Wayne, Clint Eastwood, Barbara

of those tough guys.

So I decided for my own entertainment to read Mr. Knight's western.

Besides, what else is there to do here in the daytime?

After all, Las Vegas is not exactly the culture capital of the world.

Where else could you find the famed statue of Venus de Milo with a bronze

that says this broad's arm was busted for not paying off Bruno the bookie?

The last scene, after you're tragically shot in a most horrendous way, In the

back, as they bury you, the preacher reads the final tribute over your

The old sheriff knight, you fought a good fight.

But if you're no longer alive, it's all your own fault that you lie in the

vault, because you sat on your Colt .45, and that's mine.

That's all, sir.

Ladies and gentlemen, you're going to laugh at Mr.

Willie Tyler and Lester.

Hey, by the way, who's to do with the white hair to our left over here?

Don't you know who that is? No, man, they all look alike to me.

What about Ted Knight?

You used to be a ventriloquist, right, baby?

Right. Right?

Ventriloquist, right? Can you talk like this? Like this? Let me see you do it,

Ted. You can do it.

I know you can do it.

Ted can do it.

No, Ted Knight, he's actually an ex -ventriloquist, folks, and he had to

because of illness.

He quit because of... He quit being a ventriloquist because of illness? Yeah,

you see, his dummy got sick of him.

My guess is very unusual.

Last year, this person was Mr.

Richard Raskin, a nationally ranked male tennis player.

And this year, that very same person is Miss Renee Richards, a world

-class female tennis player.

It's amazing what a little practice can do.

Ladies and gentlemen, one of the most talked about people of today, Miss Renee

Richard.

Thank you, Dean.

It's nice to be here with you and all these ladies and gentlemen and anyone in

between.

In case you're wondering why I'm here tonight, it's quite simple.

Ted Knight and I have a lot in common.

For one thing, we both changed our names.

But most important, because Ted's a sports buff, and we happened to meet on

tennis court the other morning.

I had the feeling that Ted didn't know who I was.

because he opened up with his typical greeting.

Hi, guy.

I finally told Ted that I'm Rene Richards, but I used to be Richard

It didn't faze Ted a bit. All he said was, Richard Raskin, funny, you don't

look Jewish.

It's been a pleasure for me to be here tonight to honor Ted Knight.

I've always been a big fan of Ted and so has Richard.

Good friend of mine and everybody else, Mr. Jack Carter.

I am delighted to be here, and especially Peter Dean made it here,

3 a .m. this morning, two guys rolled him. Isn't that awful?

Well, that's the only way you can get him back to his room, you know.

But he is beautiful. He is really something, and I'm delighted to be here.

is a biggie. What a night. My gosh.

Jimmy Walker, Red Buttons, Jimmy Stewart, Orson Welles.

First time I've been to a dinner where the speakers are more important than the

guest of honor.

See, the fabulous Red Buttons, not only a great comedian, but a charitable man

who goes all over the world entertaining the unfortunates.

The unfortunates are the people that have to listen to him.

I'm the only one who knows why he committed suicide in Sayonara. You know

committed suicide in Sayonara?

Because the Japanese wouldn't give him a dinner.

The Japanese never gave him a dinner.

And you know why the Japanese never gave me a dinner?

You want to know why? Because when they saw his act, they lost their appetite.

Come on, rethink.

How close Ted Knight came to missing show business. How he starved in

How he worked as a busboy. He worked as a waiter.

He tried everything. Finally, in desperation, I go home. I go back to

I go back to Warsaw now.

Fallen.

And he saved up $800. He went to airport, put down on counter.

Hello, lady, TWA.

$800, you give me ticket, huh? I go Warsaw. I want to fly to Warsaw now.

She said, you can dance all you want. You're a nickel short.

He was desperate. He walked around the airport. He didn't know what to do.

Finally, he went up to a strange man. He says, hey, mister, you give me nickel,

I go to Poland. The guy said, here's the quarter. Take four guys with you.

And

conclusion,

if you had to change your name, Ted, why didn't you change it to good?

Then Dean Martin could have come out and said, ladies and gentlemen, here he is.

Good night.

Everybody must feel. Believe me, if I wasn't busy being man of the hour

I'd be right out there with you honoring me.

Tonight.

Tonight, the dinner is on me, guys.

Seriously, my room, everybody.

Everybody.

Let's see.

Two, four, six, twelve, eighteen.

I'll have to get the big bucket.

It's great being up here, really. I love you old pros.

And even you younger guys.

Younger like Paul Williams has proven you don't have to be tall and handsome

sophisticated and witty to be short.

And good old Ed Asner.

Ed Asner.

You're no fun at all, Ed, I gotta tell you right now.

Be thoughtful. There he is.

Why don't we skip down to the last card so we can all go home? You talk as long

as you want.

Not after you say something like that, Dean. I'm not going to stand up here.

I want you to talk as long as you want. We don't have to stay.

That man.

Jimmy Walker.

I'm glad you chose to come tonight, you especially, Scatman. Willie Tyler, the

one to Paige, brings back old memories to me, and this is the truth. I was

raised by a black family.

Please, no snickering.

See, some of you question that. You think I'm fabricating, but it's true. A

black family did raise me.

When I was eight years old, they found out I was white and sold me.

You take a tip from me, Scatman.

Don't let it stand in your way. The next time you audition for a job, don't tell

them you're black.

Orson Welles.

Orson Welles.

I must say, I'm very pleased and flattered at your presence here this

And this is from my heart.

A distinguished actor and a credit to our profession.

I mean, you know, our careers have a somewhat similar...

Of course, you know, I've never done Othello or King Lear or Hamlet, but did

catch me on the Muppets?

Thank you for being here tonight. I'm sorry I can't mention everybody's name.

Time doesn't permit, but I'd like to, if you'll forgive me, Jack Carter, Dr.

Richard, Red Buttons, if you'll forgive me if I lump you all together.

But you've got to admit, that's one hell of a lump.

That's a bad mouth!