Original subtitles

The Dean Martin Celebrity Roast, coming to you from the MGM Grand Hotel in the

entertainment capital of the world, Las Vegas, Nevada.

Ladies and gentlemen, from the beautiful Ziegfeld Room, tonight's star -studded

roast has brought together some of the world's greatest entertainers. They've

come from all over the world to be here tonight, here in Las Vegas, in person,

joining Dean Martin as he honors tonight.

Starring special woman of the hour, Suzanne Somers.

With tonight's guests, Lee Merriweather, Lauren Green,

Red Button, Audra Lindley, Jaja Gabor, Norman

Fell, Paul Anka, Milton Berle.

Dr. Joyce Glover, LaWanda Page, Tom Bosley, David

Doyle, Rich Little, Bernie Capel, Norm Crosby,

Jackie Gale, and your roastmaster, Dean Martin, with tonight's woman of the

hour, Suzanne Somers.

Well, tonight we are all gathered here at my pal, Kirk Kikorian's beautiful MGM

Hotel.

Right here in Las Vegas to honor one of Hollywood's newest, sexiest, and most

popular stars, Miss Suzanne Somers. Suzanne, you look great.

I think I'll have your room sent up to mine.

spend this entire evening saying nice things and lavishing praise on our guest

of honor, but I won't, because my drink is melting over here.

I feel beautiful.

It felt great walking through the lobby tonight and having everyone say, Hi,

Dean. Hey, Dean. Hello, Dean.

Now I know who I am.

But she believed in herself.

Now every Tuesday night, I look at Suzanne on Three's Company and I always

the same thing.

Let's see what's on Channel 4.

Suzanne had a corsage.

Suzanne had courage.

I like that myself. And there's a lot to...

Be stead for courage. Remember the famous words of Lady Godiva's husband,

once said to Lady Godiva, Okay, you can ride that horse in the nude, but where

are you going to carry your credit cards?

Here's something else you may not know. When she was young, she was flat

-chested. One day, she had nothing to fill her bra.

She had to use breadcrumbs.

On the way to school, she was attacked by a flock of birds.

There he is.

The greatest.

Mr. Television himself, Milton Burroughs.

Thank you.

Thank you, Dean.

Thank you. What a night! What a night!

Ladies and gentlemen, tonight we are...

It's

all right. CBS just dropped another show.

Tonight, we are honoring the two and only Suzanne Somers.

This young lady...

Suzanne Somers is more than a friend to me.

She's a total stranger.

When this young lady first came to California, I must say that she wanted

recognition. In three months, would you believe it, she was known by every

maitre d' in Hollywood. They had a special name for her.

Waitress?

She reminds me, Zsa Zsa is with us tonight.

Zsa Zsa Gabor.

She's been married so many times, she has Uncle Ben on a retainer.

She's been in and out of more rings than Muhammad Ali.

We have another beauty winner with us tonight, gorgeous Luanda Page.

You know, it's hard to believe that Suzanne Somers and LaWanda Page are of

same sex.

Incidentally, I'd like to

congratulate LaWanda. She just finished making a motion picture. It's a sequel

to Saturday Night Fever. It's called Monday Morning Menopause.

Our next guest is a most respected actor.

He's now starring on one of the TV season's biggest hits,

Battlestar Galactica, Mr.

Lorne Green.

What's happening?

Such an introduction I've rarely had.

But being with you is quite a departure from being on Battlestar Galactica.

Going from outer space to a guy who's spaced out?

I was told that Suzanne Somers was to be the object of a roast, and so I seized

the opportunity, Dean, to come here not to roast Miss Somers, but to offer her a

leading role in an episode of Battlestar Galactica.

Miss Somers, if I may call you Suzanne, I know you have a very successful show,

but I think you'd love this change of pace.

And I know you can handle it, Suzanne.

And I know you go wild over the costumes, the space costumes, just as

show, you know. You have all that marvelous wardrobe, or you have a

towel for every occasion on our show.

Suzanne, as Queen of Amazonia, your problem is to find a man to repopulate

planet at a rate of 3 ,000 births a month.

Now that's where you come in, Jean.

There goes my Sundays.

Mr.

Lorne Green, ladies and gentlemen.

Dr. Dennis Bubbles.

It's a very great pleasure for me to be here to honor Suzanne.

I'm sure all of you women out there envy her and the great success she's

achieved. But being a star is not all fun and games.

It's a total commitment, and your career is always on your mind.

To illustrate this, I submitted Suzanne to the famous Rorschach test.

When the patient tells you what he or she sees in these inkblots, It gives the

doctor a good indication of what's going on in her mind.

I don't see anything.

I worked with those guys in Atlantic City.

Yeah, but that's the ink spots. I know.

And now, oh, here is the talented actor, Mr. Norman Powell, the very funny

landlord of... Go ahead if you want applause, you know.

I'll tell you what a thrill it is to be working with this lady.

I started acting in high school. I worked in summer stock. I took lessons

Stella Adler.

I appeared on Broadway with Edward G. Robinson and on the screen with people

like Frederick March, Spencer Tracy, Frank Sinatra, Burt Reynolds.

And now, finally, my dream has come true.

I'm working with Suzanne Plummer.

What a thrill.

I mean, I really learned a lot working with Suzanne.

You know, it's funny. I worked in show business for close to 30 years and

ever heard of me.

But here's a girl who became an overnight success.

She started out, she auditioned for her first part with only one word.

She said yes.

But she said it to the producer, and that's how she got the job.

I'll say one thing about Suzanne.

Success does not go into her head.

One of her few luxuries that she allows herself is an expensive hair dryer.

Bidon Sassoon.

Suzanne, all kidding aside, you're a real pro.

It takes some real acting ability for a girl as smart as you to act dumb.

You know, not just stand there like two bumps on a log.

I always look forward to bringing out our next guest. He's a terrific guy, a

hit everywhere he performs.

When he's not starring in clubs, you can see him... on his own TV series, ladies

and gentlemen, my good friend, Norm Crosby.

I knew, instinctively, I knew the direction that this roast would take. I

that everyone would jump on Suzanne's physical attributes and kind of, you

vilify her as a sectional object.

It really is not fair because, friends, believe me, beneath that rough exterior

is a sensitive, artistic human being with femininity and

protrusion.

But it's not fair. TV picked it up with the jiggle shows. You've seen them. The

girls running around with the low cleavicles and the pasty sticking out. I

that's... Beautiful ladies with fringe on their benefits running up and down.

It's wrong.

They put a woman on a pedestal. A woman does not belong on a pedestal. Lee, you

are a beauty queen. You are a contest winner and a misrepresentative and

everything.

I mean it. You know what I'm talking about. A woman should never go on a

pedestal. Women have a function, a noble, magnificent, beauteous function

is theirs alone.

I know that every lady on this day is well aware of her function.

But some of you sitting in our audience, ladies and, you know, gentlemen and

adults and adulterers, you may not know.

You may not know. Do you know your function, madam?

To proculate the race. That is your function. That's a woman's function.

If anybody ever walks up to you in a casino or anywhere and says to you, hey,

what's your function? Tell them, proculate the race. That's my function.

And a pedestal is not the place. You can't do nothing on a pedestal.

I must say, in our way of life, the sexual lady has her place.

And if she hasn't, you could go to a motel.

I like you people. You make me laugh.

I think the ERA is really making them cuckoo. Honestly,

they take their girdles and their bras and their garter belts.

And they sue a man for non -support.

I don't know if any of you folks saw it this afternoon, but Suzanne almost

started a riot in the casino. She was leaning over a dice table, wearing one

those off -the -shoulder, sleeveless, backless... I think it was a belt.

Anyway, she leaned over to pick up the dice, and the stickman hollered, they're

coming out. It was a panic.

Because you cannot price a fiction. You cannot buy love. You can't. You can't

buy love for $100. Maybe two years ago, but not today.

And being at the prefacing of this very show, mention Lady Godiva, who should be

mentioned at a lovely lady's tribute. Because she was the first one who

the campaign for freedom, for feminine liberation.

She rode down the street in Coventry, England, on a horse, nude, N -U -D,

of all accoutrements, nothing but long, blonde hair all around her. And the

townsmen stood on the sidewalk going... I

want to tell you something, just

to sum up, as a tribute to Suzanne and all of the lovely ladies present.

And Dean told me this once a long time ago. He was standing at the bar getting

an estimate on a drink.

And he put his hand on my shoulder and he said, don't ever forget, beauty is

only skin deep, but ugly is to the bone.

Miss Lou Mary.

Well, Suzanne, it really is.

No, it really is a great pleasure being here tonight.

But I'll tell you, looking at you, I can't help but think how happy I am that

didn't have to compete with you and Miss America Pageant.

It was tough enough competing with Burt Parks.

It's very exciting being here because, well, Suzanne is really a star.

I mean, when she arrived here, she walked into the lobby, every eye was

on her.

Of course, it isn't everyone who checks in in a bikini.

One of the bellhops spent the entire day carrying luggage up to her room.

Dean's luggage, Milton's girl's luggage.

And I know she'll have no trouble leaving the hotel tomorrow. All the

were saying how much they'd like to check her out.

Oh, and listen, I'm not saying that Suzanne doesn't deserve it. I mean, she

really gets fantastic attention.

The MGM management gave her the best suite here, the Grace Kelly suite.

And because I'm on a detective show, they gave me the Barnaby Jones suite.

It came complete with a body under the bed.

I was so... we leave when I realize it was you, Dean.

It isn't generally known,

but when Suzanne was born, she was one of twins.

It's the truth.

She had a twin brother, and he's here tonight.

Ladies and gentlemen, Suzanne Summers' twin brother, Slim Summers.

Thank you, Dean.

Notice the resemblance?

First of all, I'd like to say hello to my twin sister.

It isn't fair. Why should she get all the glory, all the glamour, all the

She had it easy. I had to start at the bottom.

I not only started there, I stayed there.

Why is she the star?

She's only famous for two things.

It was always that way with us.

People liked her better.

When we were born, the doctor took a look at both of us and slapped me twice.

Parents never understood us when we were 12.

I was the one who got the training bra.

Still too tight.

We were so close in those days. When she cut her finger, I felt pain.

When she caught a cold, I sneezed.

Oh, I kissed her. You

people

think I'm silly, right?

That's because I look silly.

But don't worry, this face will grow on you.

I'm glad it didn't grow on me.

There's a popular show on TV called The Love Boat. Y 'all know that. And with us

tonight is one of the stars of the show, a clever young man who plays the part

of the ship's doctor.

Mr. Bernie Topal.

And back to Hollywood.

Thank you, Dean.

It's really a pleasure for me to be here tonight to honor one of television's

scintillating new stars.

Of course, I myself know how it feels to be a sex symbol.

Anyway, since we are both sex symbols, why don't we combine our careers and

become the next big romantic team of the silver screen? Wouldn't that be a good

idea? Well, we'd be the hottest lovers. Hey, hey, hey.

Are you kidding? Ladies and gentlemen.

We'd be the hottest Hollywood lovers since Clark Gable and Carol Lovewine.

You know what else we could do? We could do a modern version of that horror

classic Jekyll and Hyde. You as the beautiful patient and me as Dr.

Jekyll trying to get a peek at your hide.

Hollywood, as wonderful as it is, is full of many traps.

At least, Suzanne, we'd be dynamite together.

But on second thought, you really don't need me. You'll be dynamite all by

yourself. Happy sailing. Good night.

Ladies and gentlemen, I'm very happy to again welcome a good buddy and a real

funny guy.

This would not be complete without Mr.

Red Button.

Tonight we have gathered here in the mass...

Being hosted by this mess.

What? A woman whose every physical movement is sending out the

unmistakable message, Come and get it!

Question tonight is what?

Why?

Are we giving this woman a dinner?

Some of the sexiest people in the history of the world never got a dinner.

Dolly Parton said to Mrs.

Olsen, yes, they're mountain grown.

Never got a dinner.

Tammy Wynette, who said to a kidnapper, no, I don't do requests.

Never got a dinner.

Charles Travolta, who said to Olivia Newton -John, you think you can do it in

Greece?

Eddie Fisher, who reachfully said, I'm playing it cool, she'll be back.

Jar Jar Gabor, the only woman to apply for group alimony.

I wound up with a dinner. Marie Antoinette, who said to her husband, not

tonight, this is my last headache.

Henry Kissinger, who once said, there is no peace like a good peace.

Mae West, who said to Leo DeRocher, it's true, nice guys finish last.

Never got a dinner.

This kid deserves a dinner.

Suzanne, a lot of your friends couldn't make it, so they sent some wires.

Wires?

Wires? Wires.

Wires, that's what it is.

Here's one from Howard Jarvis. You know, he says, sorry you turned down my

proposition 13, but please meet me for a drink. I've got another proposition for

you.

Here's a bold, embossed telegram from the sheik of Saudi Arabia. He says,

started out for your roast, but someone rear -ended my camel and his hump

exploded.

Here's one from Phyllis Diller. Dear Suzanne, may all your wet T -shirts give

you arthritis.

Back with us tonight is a lady who has become a beloved regular on our show.

She's a beautiful lady with a big, warm heart. But watch out. While the others

are here to roast, she's here to barbecue.

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Miss Lawanda Page.

I can't tell you what a thrill it is to be here tonight, standing between these

two great stars, Suzanne Somers, the sex pot,

and Dean Martin, the crock pot.

Give me some glasses. Let me see what they're saying about you, honey.

on her.

Honey, I don't like the slip of things you've been saying about her.

Lord have mercy, honey.

You look like a snow drift that never melts.

How are you as white as a vanilla ice cream cone?

And you already got two scoops.

red button.

At least she uses bleach.

You went straight to Mercuricone.

Honey, with a carrot head like you got, you could be attacked by rabbits.

You shut up, Milton Berle, you ugly sucker.

be happy to be attacked by anything.

Don't you laugh, Norm Crosby.

One night with me, honey, and you'll talk straight.

But I've seen that show of yours, Three for Company, and I just can't believe

it.

doing nothing to nobody?

And you call it a comedy?

Honey, in my neighborhood, we call that a tragedy.

And you, David Doyle, now don't worry, I won't say nothing bad about you.

Now, I know Charlie already has three angels, but tell me, baby, can he use

devil?

And I wish you all the luck in the world.

God bless you.

I

want

to pray.

Lovely, lovely Lord.

Ladies and gentlemen, a guy who did it his way and made it all happen.

Mr. Paul Hancock.

Well, I'm delighted to be here tonight to join our distinguished guests in

honoring Suzanne Somers.

She's really a great girl, and I recently had the pleasure of working

in Europe. We did a television special together in Monte Carlo.

Even in Europe, her popularity is phenomenal.

By coming through customs, she was searched 15 times.

You should see the attention that she got when we arrived in Monte Carlo.

We checked into a very elegant hotel.

I was in her suite.

For the first time in my life, a bellhop called the room and asked me to send a

girl down.

Mr. Paul Anka.

I understand our next guest is a lifelong friend and good buddy of

Somers. Won't you please welcome Miss Gladys Wormfeet.

You're just lucky I showed up tonight, Dean Martin. The last time I was here, I

threw my back out.

This time it looks like you threw your front out.

ladies and gentlemen, who is in my suite at three o 'clock in the morning

chasing me around the bedroom.

That's easy to exterminate. Oh!

And don't you laugh at me, you jiggling Jezebel.

I knew you would.

And I want everyone to know exactly what you have done to me.

We grew up together, ladies and gentlemen, and in high school, Suzanne

nothing. I was the head cheerleader.

I was the one who yelled, two, four, six, eight.

Hey, we know what your measurements were. Get to the cheer.

And I was the one who was popular with the boys.

I spent more time in the backs of cars than she did.

Yeah, but you were locked in the trunk.

show business, and Suzanne begged me to take her along.

Our dream was Hollywood or bust.

All I got was Hollywood.

But at least I can say, ladies and gentlemen, that I have never been

a plastic surgeon.

You haven't been touched by anybody.

Rabies.

How can you say things like that, Dean?

Dean, please, can't you remember?

Try hard now.

Last night, you held me in your arms just like this. And you held your face

close to my face like this. Do you remember?

That's right.

I wanted to get rid of my hiccups.

and do this.

Standing under these hot lights, worrying about how I look, what the

thinking. I'm tired.

I'm weary.

I'm worn out, ladies and gentlemen.

Dean, what I really need is a good belt.

I'll get a good belt.

Okay.

Currently playing Mr.

Cunningham in the hit show Happy Days, there he is, Tom Bosley.

I really feel a little at ease appearing on one of these roasts.

I'm an actor, I'm not a comedian.

I look over this dais, I see that there's about, oh gee, 300 years of...

combined comedy experience here.

And that's just Milton Berle and LaWanda Page.

It's really a pleasure to be here tonight.

You know, my show, The Happy Days, with the Fonz and Richie and Patsy, takes

place in the 50s. And Suzanne's show, Three's Company, is definitely a show

about the 70s. And believe me, things are different today than they were in

50s. Now, we never had the things that they have today, like wild sex and

available women and loose morals.

Where did we go wrong?

I've watched Suzanne on television. I must say, she's really a very sexy girl.

The way she walks around in nothing but a towel.

Cameraman, she'll win an Emmy Award just for holding the darn thing steady.

Well, my next guest is the talented actress who plays the part of Mrs.

Roper, the landlord's wife on Three's Company.

She's a funny lady and a real pro.

Please welcome Audra Lindley.

Well, John Ritter and Joyce DeWitt wanted to be here tonight, but they

make it. They said it was their first chance in two years to be alone in the

apartment.

Suzanne had a fairly normal childhood.

She was very popular in high school. Half a dozen boys pinned her.

They pinned her to the wall, the backseat of the car, the park bench.

When she left school, she developed an aptitude for poetry.

That's not all she developed.

Yes.

But it's really interesting.

Suzanne wrote two romantic books of poetry.

Now, the first one was called Touch Me, and the second one was called Touch Me

Again. And she's now working on a sequel, Keep Your Filthy Hands Off Me.

I said...

Ladies and gentlemen, from the very first day of rehearsal that this girl

go far, and I'm not the first one to say it either, in her graduation yearbook,

she was voted girl who'd go all the way.

That's the whole point of Mr. Rich.

Thank you.

It is an honor for me to be here tonight to pay tribute to one of television's

scintillating new stars, Suzanne Somers.

And if my friend George Burns were here tonight, I know what he'd say to you.

Suzanne, I, uh, I, uh... I've got a confession to make.

I've been in love with you for two years.

But then, ah, then don't go by me. I get excited every time I take the wrapper

off my cigar.

George Burns isn't the only one.

For instance, President Gerald Ford.

and summers to be my running mate in 1980.

I know you think that's an odd combination, but remember, folks,

makes strange bedfellows.

And of course, one of your biggest boosters from late -night television

I have the envelope, please.

A deck of cards, the Queen Mary and Suzanne Somers. A deck of

cards, the Queen Mary and Suzanne Somers.

Name three things that are stacked.

Suzanne, we love you. God bless you.

Ladies and gentlemen, the

best friend a joke ever had.

He's funny, Mr. Jackie Gale.

I'd like to say it's a pleasure being here with Dean Moncho. I met Dean

you don't remember the year, Dean, it was during the earthquake that year in

California. I remember that earthquake. I was in bed with a girl. I said, it

won't always be this good.

You know, I always watch your show. I never miss a show with John Ritter in

I'll tell you the first time I ever saw you, you don't recognize me, but I saw

this woman. I was in a restaurant, and Susan walked in, and it got me crazy.

waiter asked me, what do you want? I said, a pair of hamburgers.

And it's good to see Red Buttons. Red, I love your name, Red Buttons. He's so

small and thin, you know.

He takes a shower. He's got to keep running back and forth to get wet.

who was great tonight, going to be a guest star on Three's Company.

Once again, sex rears its ugly head.

Norm Crosby, who was sensational tonight. Norm is an old friend of mine.

started working around New England together, which is true. He'll tell you

We worked a lot of those places. We worked those places where women wear the

kind of dresses you can see through and you don't want to.

Norm always used to follow Norm in clubs. He always told me about the girl

singer on a show. He said, you don't need two rooms. She won't leave you

She's a real crazy girl.

Then I'd get booked, there'd be another singer waiting with the mother with the

hair in her face and the cracked sunglasses.

And they both had huge crosses outside their dress.

Forget about sex, at least, you know, bats don't attack the car.

You all remember LaWanda Page?

She was the centerfold of National Geographic.

I'm only joking because she's really a humble woman. She's very humble.

She went over to Dean's house to say hello and he gave her Thursday off.

We have Rich Little here who got his start working Zsa Zsa's wedding.

Not much money, but the work was steady.

Zsa Zsa, I heard you're getting married again. Is it anyone you know?

was a kid.

His mother wanted him to be a doctor. He wanted him to be an actor. And they

were both wrong.

We got Lauren Green beautiful.

Look at the hair on this guy.

Jerry Vale learned you that?

I loved you on Bonanza for years. It was a great show with a 50 -year -old

father and two 47 -year -old sons.

I love you, Milton Berle. There he is, the Jewish Bugs Bunny.

I know you'll be a big hit for a long time, but television's a numbers game.

got the right numbers. 36, 24, 36.

Good night. Thank you very much.

I don't think anyone is more deserving of their success than our guest of honor

this evening.

Starring in her own series, she's won praise, love, and loyalty from her

audience and critics. Ladies and gentlemen, here is the beautiful and

talented Miss Suzanne Somers.

I just want to say that it has been a tremendous honor being here.

And I want to thank everyone on the dais for making this such a special evening.

You really worked me over, though.

But I loved it because you're all pros, like Charlie Callis.

He's been in the business for 30 years, but he has one problem. Whenever he's

invited to one of these roasts, he shows up.

It was a pleasant surprise to see Dr. Joyce Brothers.

I visited her once in her office, and it was a wonderful experience.

The only time in my life that I was on a couch and somebody just asked me

questions.

See, I can't say these things about my friends.

What are you talking about?

Could you stand up and help me?

All right, Suzanne.

What do you want me to do? Well, I just thought that I would thank my friends,

and then you could just take it from there.

Anything you want.

Remember the famous words of Sleeping Beauty, who once said to Prince

Are you sure you only kissed me?

Ruth Buzzy, I am delighted to see you there. Take it, Dean.

You all know Ruth Buzzy, the Farrah Fawcett of Burbank.

It is so good to see Milton Berle.

Someone once told me that he got a start in this business 50 years ago by

playing an amateur knight.

He did another one tonight.

I was out of the war. Thanks for all the marital advice you gave me tonight.

We didn't expect to see Zsa Zsa here.

This morning back in L .A., she had her mink coat spayed.

I'm Lauren Green. I just saw you the other night on Saturday Night Live.

The show was live, but he wasn't.

And David Doyle. I just love you on Charlie's Angels show.

Take it, Dean.

Those girls have to be driving David crazy. I saw him in the casino last

The only man rolling the dice and shouting, Come on, 36!

Audra Lindley with her new hairstyle is my talented co -star on Three Company.

You look terrific tonight, Audra.

Sitting next to Norman Fell, anybody would look good.

Thank you, Dean. I don't know what I would have done without you up here.

That's a Dean Martin kiss?

No.

That's a Dean Martin kiss. Now that's a Dean Martin kiss.