Original subtitles

The Man of the Week!

Your Roastmaster, Dean Martin.

And tonight's very special Man of the Week, the Governor of the State of

California, Honorable Ronald Reagan.

Wonderful.

Thank you.

When I first learned we were honoring Governor Reagan tonight, first thing I

was call all his friends.

That didn't take too long.

Personally, I don't understand the man we're honoring tonight.

For years, he was on TV as the host of Death Valley Days, where every week he

worked with a team of mules.

From there, he stepped into something soft.

Politics.

his picture career, he never made an X -rated movie. His pictures were rated M.

You couldn't get in to see one unless you were accompanied by a moron.

His movies were so bad, they were shown at drive -outs.

There were a lot of your friends in Mars who couldn't be here tonight.

However, they sent you tellers. I'd like to read some of them now. The first one

is from the editor of Playgirl magazine.

Dear Governor Reagan,

We wonder if you would consider posing nude for the centerfold of our next

issue. We feel that the American public would love to see a politician who has

nothing to hide.

Finally, here's a telegram from the president.

President Nixon, dear Governor Reagan, I am sorry I couldn't come to your roast

tonight. Dean invited me, but I don't trust anybody named Dean anymore.

Jackie Vernon.

Tonight I have, as a tribute to you, compiled a series of slides depicting

highlights of your career.

Here you are doing your first bit part in the movies.

Here's an actress showing the police the part you bit.

Governor, here you are winning your first gubernatorial race.

And here's the goob who came in second.

Finally, here you are during your last campaign lending President Nixon your

support. And here's President Nixon wearing it.

Thank you, Governor.

And good luck.

Thank you, General Phillips Gillard.

Governor Reagan has always been a fabulous person. He started out as an

underweight, inexperienced, untalented dishwasher in

Tampico, Illinois.

Unfortunately, he never lived up to this early promise.

But he's been a terrific governor, and I'll never forget. The last time Ronnie

ran for office, I saw a pregnant woman wearing a campaign button that said,

Reagan's a man.

Ronnie, I want to thank you for one thing.

If you ever get to be president, and I think you may, and there's a depression,

Try not to have it at a bad time, like when everybody's out of work.

When his limousine pulled up in front of the studio tonight, a woman started

screaming, Ronald, he's here, it's Ronald Reagan, he's here, the governor's

here. I thought Nancy would never shut up.

I'm here to pay tribute to you as a man you recently appointed to the state

Supreme Court.

We're very honored to have him here tonight.

Justice Angelo Beducci.

I'm so glad to be here.

You're like one of my family.

Before continuing, may I offer my condolences to the loved ones

of your opponent in the last election.

I understand he met with an unfortunate accident tomorrow night at 8

o 'clock.

Thank you, Don Dollar.

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Pat Henry.

The last time I saw Sammy Davis...

Before

I start, Governor.

Would you like to confess anything?

You can talk into the flowers. They're bugged.

But I admire everything this man has done for the state of California.

And I say that because I live in New York.

And when I was growing up in New York, I had an uncle, Fungie, who loved to

vote.

Man, he'd be at the voting booths at two in the morning and he'd vote.

And he'd vote. And he'd vote.

You could have used him.

He was such a beauty. I never figured how you look at this man, have tears in

his eyes, and he said to me, oh, if I was only a citizen, you'd really see

both.

And I hear all this talk about Governor Ronald Reagan trying for the White House

in 76, but with all respect to you, Governor, I must tell you, you're

your time.

How can you aspire to such a high office?

You've never even had a good scandal attached to your name.

No cheating, no lying, no boozing, no bugging, no running around with wild

broads.

Who's going to trust a politician like that?

My next guest is Mark Smith.

A young man who won seven gold medals in last year's Olympics just got married,

Mark did. Instead of a honeymoon, he and his bride swum upstream and spawned.

Ladies and gentlemen, a great athlete, Mark Hope.

You know, Governor, you and I had very similar careers.

You started out as an athlete, and so did I.

And as a matter of fact, you became an actor, and so did I.

Now, if it turns out that I can't act either,

who would I talk to about becoming governor?

Most people don't know, Mark wasn't always Jewish, but he was out swimming

day and ran into a swordfish.

Ah,

this guy's great.

Jack Benny is here tonight on a political mission. He's trying to get

governor to pass a new bill creating a senior citizen's discount at massage

parlors.

I could say many things about Jack, but that would only take time.

He can't stay long. He only put a penny in the parking meter.

Mr. Jack Benny.

Ladies and gentlemen, I would like to say that Greg Garrison, the producer of

this show, told me I only have four minutes to talk.

Well, that's impossible.

I stare longer than that.

Now, as long as I only have four minutes to speak,

I will devote my time to our guest of honor, Governor Reagan.

I was going to say Governor Ronald Reagan, but with four minutes.

Ronald Reagan has done a great job for California, although in all fairness to

Pat Brown.

When Pat was governor, we didn't have earthquakes.

Well, ladies and gentlemen, you may remember that Governor Reagan appeared

last television show. It was called Jack Benny's First Farewell Special.

And because we were such good friends, the governor agreed to come on my show

for nothing.

And I accepted.

After all, what are friends for?

With only four minutes, I certainly could not say all the wonderful things

Ronnie that I would like to. But I do have an idea.

Check your local papers daily for my next television special.

And if I am successful in making the same deal with the governor,

I will continue this speech.

on my show.

Thanks.

Jack's been doing these functions for years.

If you look closely at the painting of The Last Supper, Jack is the third from

the left.

I always thought it would be interesting to invite someone who knew the governor

when he was a young boy growing up in Tampico, Illinois. So what we did was

locate the governor's first grade elementary school teacher and we flew

from Illinois to be with us. Ladies and gentlemen, honoring us with her presence

this evening, Miss Maude Frickett.

What a kiss -off that was.

Thank you, Mr. Martin, for bringing me out on the bus.

I would imagine the other stars flew in an airplane.

Being with Fred McMurray was a joy.

fabulous dinner this has been so far, flowers and popcorn.

Ronnie, I don't know where to begin. There's so much to say to you and

to know that, you know, back in Tampico, I was 19

years old and you were about 12.

When I look at you and I think how gray my hair is and how sandy yours is.

I would imagine you touch it just a little, don't you, Ronnie?

What a joy you were.

You know Mr.

Hotchberger, you remember him?

He's dead.

You know, when you came to me and

said, Oh, Miss Frickert, I want to go to college.

And I thought of all the great universities that Ronnie could have gone

in the country we have.

And he chose Eureka.

Well,

we've done a lot of research on Governor Reagan, and we found out something

about him that very few people know. You see, Ronald Reagan has a twin brother,

and we brought him here tonight.

Would you all please welcome Donald Reagan.

I always loved Ronnie. Yes, I did. Even though he was the white sheep of the

family.

You might not believe that Ronnie and I could be brothers. It was like this. We

were kids. We were naughty, right?

And one day, my dad was chasing us. He wanted to spank us. He said, if I catch

you, I'm going to tan your hide.

Ronnie got away.

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the First Lady of California, the lovely

and gracious Nancy Louise.

Thank you, Dean.

I really don't have anything to add to what's already been said tonight.

I really don't think I could.

But it's a very proud and happy night for me.

And so I just thought that I couldn't let it go by without coming by and

a kiss to the man I love.

I don't know why if he did that, I was going to vote for him again anyway.

Thank you, Mr. Reagan.

And now we come to Don Rickles.

You know, a lot of people wonder why Don is so mean.

There's a reason for that.

You see, he's been that way ever since he found out Eva Braun was two -timing

him.

of the last ten days of Rickles, Don Rickles.

The greatest thing I can say to Governor Reagan or Regan, whatever they call

you, what do they call you, Governor?

The greatest moment I remember in your career was when you said to Pat O

the Gipper is dying.

thought it was a fish.

Now, the Gentile gentleman here had no idea. A kipper.

That's a Jewish fish. Don't be dumb. I hate a dumb guy.

He wouldn't be governor if my people didn't go, okay.

There's always one dumb guy in the audience.

And you're probably important. My luck, you'll be the president of NBC.

Isn't this fun, Governor, huh?

Better than trying to hit Jess Unruh with your car.

Those of you from all around the United States, Jess Unruh is a great Democratic

candidate who opposed many things that the governor did, and he's a great

politician, and the governor would be the first to agree.

And that's what makes our country so fantastic.

that we have different people, as I do. I stand on a stage or on a lectern or I

stand here next to Dean Martin, one of the great guys, and I say this from my

heart, Dean, you have a problem.

And the governor is the great politician of all time. He laughs at anything. My

brother died.

I tell you out there, America, our

governor is dumb.

The show is off the air and the governor's over the room with three guys

the state troopers. All right, Joe, let's hear the joke about the governor.

Let's hear the one about him being dumb. Let's go.

I don't know who you are in the middle, but you're starting to get on my nerves.

There's one guy with a honk and it's sucking up his lips.

about you, my dear friend and honorable governor. And sir, we've never met

formally, as we've said before.

But I will never forget the stories I've heard that you standing on the White

House lawn, throwing rocks at Richard Nixon's window going, Dick!

Don't beg. Don't beg.

it up. Just stand on the lawn and say, move out of there!

Is this confessable to you, Dean?

Dean Martin came from Youngstown, Ohio. Is that right, Dean?

Steubenville. Why, that's better.

You, Governor, are a great man.

You can tell because you don't see many governors with clip -on bow ties.

There are many people that are planted around here to look like they enjoy

Dean Martin said to me when Governor Reagan or Regan, whatever they call you,

don't care.

What do I care what they call you? You're the governor, and if I got a

getting the chair, you better make that phone call.

But I say this from my heart, Governor. I met you once in the hallway at NBC, as

you remember.

And I'll never forget your words.

Get out of the way, kid.

I kid you, sir. You are a

politician. Black, white, Jew, Gentile. We're all working for one cause.

To figure out how you became governor.

I want to say, Don, your speech ran longer than your last series.

Ladies and gentlemen, the governor of the state of California, Ronald Reagan.

Thank you very much, Bill.

I've listened to the entire show.

And the best thing I can do to show my appreciation to all of you is to invoke

executive privilege. I refuse to release the tape.

I know that you all realize without my having to tell you that in the job I

now, you have to make a great many decisions.

And let me just say about the decision I made with regard to tonight.

With hindsight, to the best of my recollection.

At this point in time, I really goofed.

It was the Dean Martin show over at Dave Time Television with Sam Urban.

But when you imagine all these people, Mark Spitz showing up all dried off.

My daughter is going to be so thrilled.

You've really had an impact.

I don't mind her swilling all that milk, but now she's trying to grow a

mustache.

And I'm thrilled to have Jack Benny here.

We've known each other since we were both 39.

Jack's no tightwad. That, too, is part of the act. On my last birthday, he gave

me a set of the Encyclopedia Britannica.

Paperback.

And then there are some men, there are some men who achieve fame and go beyond

that to become veritable household words.

Now, Don Rickles is such a man.

He has become a household word.

The kind they erase in X -rated movies.

I am happy to be here on the Dean Martin Show. Dean and I have a lot in common.

About the same size, we both like horses, like golf.

Of course, we both made a lot of movies.

Only difference is, I knew when to quit.

No, Dean's had a fabulous career.

Stop to think of it, vaudeville, nightclubs, recordings, movies,

to think he won't even know it all happened to him until he sobers up.

Well, enough of this. I'm honored, grateful to all these wonderful people,

seriously, and grateful to you, ladies and gentlemen.

I asked Nancy what I should say when I came out here, and she told me to just

say something warm and gracious and sit down.

So, gracious, wasn't it warm in here tonight?