Original subtitles

The Dean Martin Celebrity Roast, coming to you from the MGM Grand Hotel in the

entertainment capital of the world, Las Vegas, Nevada.

Ladies and gentlemen, from the beautiful Siegfeld Room, tonight's star -studded

roast has brought together some of the world's greatest entertainers.

They've come from all over the world to be here tonight, here in Las Vegas, in

person.

Your roast master, Dean Martin.

And tonight's very special man of the week, Ralph Nader.

Thank you, and I better drink this before Ralph Nader recalls it.

We're gathered here tonight. I sound like Jessel. We're gathered here tonight

honor a man who pioneered safety precautions for the consumer.

Ralph's motto has always been, better safe than sorry, which explains why I

him coming out of a drugstore this morning blushing.

we can thank for all the safety devices in cars.

Even as a child, he was a safety nut.

When he was 10 months old, he insisted on being potty trained with a seat belt.

Safety features in cars are important. I even have an emergency belt in my car.

I keep a pint in my glove compartment.

And thanks to Mr. Nadar, next year's cars are going to have another...

Safety feature, all the St. Christopher statues will be wearing crash helmets.

Pollution doesn't bother me. I've been polluted for years, so... And that's

another thing. Ralph Nader doesn't touch liquor.

He only drinks milk. He believes milk can do wonders for you. He's right. Look

what it did for Nixon.

Now, I'd like you to meet Mr. Jack.

Clugman, co -star of The Odd Couple.

Jack got some real good news today. ABC tore up his old contract, and now he's

the only one on that network with a torn contract.

Ladies and gentlemen, a beautiful guy and a very fine pal, Mr. Jack Clugman.

Look at this man.

What an enormous face.

He's the only man in America I would buy a used car from.

Let's see now, what is it? Maybe a couple of things I can say about him.

Well, for instance, he is dull.

I'm sorry, he is dull. But it's not a crime to be dull.

I mean, how many fun guys are there? You count on your finger the funny guys.

There's Alan Ludden, Jack Palance, Lorne Green.

I'm sure that you know.

And also, one other thing, you cannot have fun Christmas shopping with this

He spends all his time in the complaint department.

And also, let's see, one other thing, he's very suspicious, he's wary.

Right now, on this day, he's the only guy who's wearing a seatbelt.

And he's a bachelor, right? Lucky guy.

But that's because every time he gets serious about a girl, he has her mother

recall her and correct her defects.

The truth is, though, that as everyone knows, Ralph Nader has been a bastion

against unsafe automobiles. How often automobile executives have said, throw

that... You

all

know our next guest.

She's actress Jane Withers, the star of Under the...

Hollywood movies are now famous as TV's Josephine Diploma.

And she's the only plumber I know that's not employed by Nixon.

Ladies and gentlemen, the only actress who can boast that her career went down

the drain, Miss Jane Goodall.

thrill when they asked me to come here. You know, I had no idea it was going to

be such a really swell affair, otherwise I'd have worn my formal coveralls.

You know, the ones with the plunger neckline.

But Mr. Nader, honestly, really and truly, I can truly appreciate the kind

letters and mail that you must receive, because I don't know if they're anything

at all like the complaints that I get from some of these marvelous housewives

and these dear little ladies that they really think I'm a plumber, you know?

And, well, I want you to try some of these that I brought tonight on your

okay? Now, here's one.

Dear Josephine, how do I turn off that grip that drives me crazy all night?

So, I answered her, go to bed with a mud pack.

Here's another one.

Dear Josephine, how can I get my child to stop dropping his marbles down the

kitchen sink?

So I wrote back, tell him very nicely that if he continues to do that, the

fairy will come and give him a fat lip.

This one I really love. Dear Josephine, I just love this lady, I am planning a

large family gathering. Could you please tell me how to fix a 20 -pound turkey?

I said, sure.

Next time, why don't you buy one that isn't broken?

I have a little surprise for you. We've flown in a gentleman who knows you

better than anyone else in the whole world because he's been in your personal

employer for the past 10 years.

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Felipe Martinez.

How are you?

Hey, Mr.

Dean.

It's a great pleasure to be on your show. I got a lot of respect for anybody

make a million dollars a week in a coma.

I have been a houseboy for Mr. Rao for the last 10 years.

I'm so happy to be on this show because this is my first night off.

You know...

Without me, he would not be where he is today, alive.

You don't know what I'm talking about. I'll tell you why. You know, he tests a

lot of things.

I'm the tester.

You know how he found out the electric carving knife was no good?

This way.

This was from the electric pencil sharpener.

The hair was my own fault, man.

He told me a million times, put the crash helmet on when you pull the chain

the bathroom.

I got to go out now and buy myself some false teeth.

Tomorrow we taste the electric toothbrush.

Now we come to Mr. Mort Sahl, a man who is best known for his attacks on social

injustices.

Mr. Mort Sahl!

Thank you, Dean.

The man we're here to honor tonight was born in Westport, Connecticut.

He's the first baby in history who was slapped into life by the doctor.

which is normal medical form, and immediately slapped the doctor back, as

recall.

Why did Ralph Nader become involved in public life?

Well, as you know, he lives a Spartan life himself.

He has a gray suit, and he has a blue suit.

That's it.

Lives on $100 a week gross.

Lives in a rooming house in Washington, D .C. Has a phone in the hall.

Towel at the end of the hall.

Personally grateful to Ralph. Because before he came here, it was a terrible

country. We were drinking, cussing.

We resembled a western frontier town with all the attendant vices.

And then he taught us to put on our seatbelts, even when we're at home.

And he taught us that the milk in Duluth, Minnesota has water in it. He

us against aging. He's trying to pass a law against it now.

He told us there was air in our hot dogs.

He told us there was mercury in our tuna fish.

He told us there were rats in our meatpacking plants.

He wants to repave Lake Erie.

If it weren't for

Ralph Nader, the Watergate Hotel would not be equipped with a fire escape.

Ralph's latest victory was over Allegheny Airlines when his reservation

bumped at the Pittsburgh airport, for which the court awarded him $50 ,000.

been at that airport myself often. I often sit up in the bar. I like to sit

upstairs there, have a couple of drinks, you know, watch my plane take off.

Anyway...

We have something for everybody tonight. Anyway, Ralph, we... I've reached

the nadir of my speech.

Thank you very much.

Thank you, Dean.

Everybody knows Ralph Nader as a dedicated and crusading investigator.

But what's he like on a date?

I'm one girl who knows.

I went to dinner once with Ralph.

Let me tell you, it was an experience.

But I must say, he was considerate. He let me choose the restaurant we'd

investigate.

We ended up at McDonald's, test -weighing the half -pounder.

The girl that brought us our order told us that it was her 19th birthday.

Guess what Ralph said?

Gee, for such low mileage, that body's really been abused.

Over our french fries, though, I took Ralph's hand and stared into his big

eyes and said, which one of my defects really turned you on, honey?

But, you know, I don't think he heard me. He was staring into my Big Mac

for a faulty pickle.

See, she talks like I do. Ain't nothing wrong with that. You know, as you know,

I'm man of the week.

Ralph Nader has been very...

critical of the present administration, but in line with federal broadcast

standards, we must grant equal time to those with opposing views.

Even though... Even though it's only... Even though... So, ladies and

gentlemen... Everybody would say gentlemen.

Ladies and gentlemen, straight from Washington, D .C., where he canceled an

appearance to be here.

And before the Senate Investigating Committee, one of America's great stand

storytellers, Richard I.

Don't try to make up to me.

I heard you all outside my house honking your horns for impeachment.

Well, let me say this about that.

Something's going to be done about all you people.

And let me say this about you, Mr. Nader.

You're doing a rotten job for the consumer.

I bought a tape recorder, and you approved it.

Another damn thing didn't work.

Three very important... You know,

Ralph, Ralph

has

asked repeatedly where those missing tapes are.

That's a very good question.

Are there any more very good questions?

I'll be frank.

I don't know what happened to those missing tapes.

The last time I saw them was when Yule Gibbons came to dinner.

As I recall, he said they reminded

him of the taste of wild hickory nuts.

Is he laughing? Is he laughing?

But I'm determined to ferret out the truth. So I have appointed a new, hard

-hitting, impartial special assistant to investigate the whole Watergate mess.

Believe me, if anyone can get to the bottom of this, it's David Eisenhower.

Well, let's be fair.

talk about what I've been doing for the country.

I've driven prices down.

Especially in the stock market.

Now even poor people can afford to buy IBM.

And when industry came and asked me to choose between using high polluting

and authorizing the building of a pipeline, many congressmen suggested I

the pipe.

One of the reasons I've recommended to

return to daylight saving time is that I've been working 16, 18

hours a day myself, and I think I've kept America in the dark long enough.

let me say this about that.

I refuse to turn my back on a job I'm best qualified for.

Selling.

I don't know the meaning of the word quit.

That's one of my problems.

And when things get tough, I turn my eyes upward for help toward that

source of wisdom and power, B .B. Robosa.

I say that things in America are wonderful.

They've never been better. And if we all pull together, maybe they won't get

worse.

Ladies and gentlemen, here on one of his rare house calls, Mr. James Boland.

Well, thank you, Dean.

Ralph vowed that he would single -handedly bring the automobile

their knees.

And he has.

They're down there right now praying he'll get hit by a truck.

Now, Ralph has had so much success in getting the defective autos recalled

he's started to expand his efforts. You see, he's found out that a lot of people

have the same sort of defects that cars have, and so he's trying to get them

recalled, too.

For instance, he wants to have the whole White House staff recalled.

Well, he claims that they've all got screws loose.

You know?

He had Phyllis Diller recalled for faulty end alignment.

You know?

And Marlon Brando for appearing in The Last Tango without wearing a seat cover.

He even had Aristotle Onassis recalled.

Jackie was complaining that he was always running out of gas.

We Americans should be grateful to Ralph Nader.

He's always looking for faults.

He's always complaining.

This won't work.

That's wrong.

Send it back. It's too dangerous.

Well, may I tell you something, Mr. Nader, that if you ever get tired of

crusader, You can always get a job as a mother -in -law.

Before we go any farther, Ralph, many of your friends and admirers couldn't be

here tonight, but they sent some wires and more. I'd sure like to read them to

you. First, here's one from Attorney General John Mitchell. Dear Mr. Nader,

I'm following your advice and no longer driving my unsafe car. I got rid of it.

I gave it to Martha.

Ladies and gentlemen, the loveliest, the prettiest, and I love her very much,

the truly great comedian, Miss Ruth Buzz.

tonight as Gladys Ormsby, the international sex symbol, but as a

-blooded female consumer.

And it's true that we girls are frustrated by the energy crisis.

All the gentlemen I date seem to have that problem.

All these days, it seems to me that everything that's supposed to stick

comes apart, and everything that's supposed to come apart sticks together.

And I've got two words for the National Association. Association of

Manufacturers, how come?

How come the cereal, which is supposed to be so good for the kids, is supposed

to be so bad?

Mr. Jackie Gale.

How do you follow that?

It's a great day as they got for you, Ralph.

This side looked like they came in a Volkswagen camper.

But it's really nice. You know, you do a lot of investigating. You want to

investigate something important. Why don't you investigate his singing?

People don't know this man was considered a... a presidential

last Democratic convention.

But he held out for King.

I'd love to see him in that gray suit. He's been wearing this suit for two

years. Two years, the same funky suit.

If he's going out formally, rinse a crease.

I mean, this man, I'm telling you something, if this man was around in the

days of this country, we'd have no progress.

He would have told Benjamin Franklin the kite wasn't safe.

Eli Whitney, the cotton gin wasn't fireproof and John Hancock's pen leaked.

And Ruth Buzzy looked great. She came here right from trick -and -treating.

I knew she was here when I saw the broom in the parking lot.

You look great, Ruth. They must have a hell of a special effects department

at NBC.

But this is a great woman. She gave up a promising career as a housewife to keep

Ronan Martin in the business.

And Jack Klugman's there. I wonder what your name was before you changed it.

And I happen to like your show, and it's going to outlast Colucci's department.

I hear your rating picked up. Two ABC ushers tuned in.

And my boy Mort Sully is one of the greatest iconoclasts we have in our

business. He still thinks it's 1960, hangs around corners in Berkeley

for riots.

He sold out, you put on a tuck, because the Mobs got a sweater.

Mort didn't notice. They wanted him on This Is Your Life, but he couldn't find

anybody to stand behind the curtain.

That's a wonderful man.

Surprise, the man you're raging, you're not married. You better watch out,

they'll investigate you.

But the man is nice. I'm telling you, I kid this man, but he's a great man, and

I've known him a long time. Let me say, I got to the studio at 3 .30.

I think it was at quarter to four, but it's been a pleasure because I think the

world of him. Thank you very much.

They're wonderful, Jackie.

Well, tonight, Ralph, we're pleased to have with us one of your top assistants.

You've given him the job of test driving all the new automobiles to see if

they're safe for consumers.

Would you all please welcome one of NATO's chief raiders, Mr. Foster Brooks.

Thank you, Madam Chairman.

Are you Ralph Ralphie?

Yes, yes.

Yes, friends, that is my job. My job.

To test drive all new vehicles.

All new vehicles.

in the interest of safety.

You know, you wouldn't believe how some... how some... how unsafe

some automobile cars are today.

I drove seven different cars today and they all smashed up.

one car today, and even the clock didn't work.

It only had one hand on it, and it kept pointing to 130.

And the turn signals were busted, too.

The left one worked okay, but every time I switched on the right one, the darn

car went backwards.

The only thing I could get to work with was the lights.

pedestrian. On the way over here, one old lady walked right in front, right in

front of my car.

I had to swerve right off the sidewalk to keep from hitting her.

Many drivers have written to us asking, where'd you save her?

Where'd you save her?

The automatic transmission or the standard transmission.

Personally, I don't care for the standard transmission.

I mean, you've got the gas pedal for the right foot and the clutch pedal for the

left foot.

Now, how do you expect me to work the pedal in the middle?

Ask me what I thought, what I think of SCP.

Of what I think of SCP.

SCP.

I think it's delicious.

and gentlemen, it's time to present the man who's devoting all his time and

energy to the benefit of every American, our man of the week, Mr. Ralph

Nader.

Well, well, well.

It's hard to comment on a performance by our friends tonight, but one thing is

sure. They've shown how quickly the overprivileged can become

Thank you, Dean. I was warmed by your eulogy tonight.

More than warmed, I was burned up.

You ought to throw the script away. It'll help the energy crisis.

It's reassuring to know that in these times of so -called fuel shortages,

some of you gentlemen all had the foresight to come here already tanked up

gassed.

This is really an outstanding group of performers.

Consider, for example, as a singer, Dean ranks...

with Frank Sinatra as a satirist. Mark Saul ranks with Will

Rogers.

In fact, this is one of the rankest groups ever assembled.

As a person involved in product evaluation,

I'm used to analyzing things and corporations.

And I think I can state unequivocally that this group is badly in need of

analysis, consumer style.

And breaking them down, I would say that they're about 50 % adulterated water,

20 % brass, 2 % insolence, and the rest is hamburger helper.

Yeah, it's been a lot of fun tonight. I want to thank my wonderful guests for

being here, and I especially wanted to thank Mr. Ralph Nader.

He really fights injustices, and he's an honest man.

You know that speech he made tonight?

He's having it recalled.

All right, everybody, I'm on my way home. Gavin, warm up the hot chocolate.