Original subtitles

The Dean Martin Celebrity Roast, coming to you from the MGM Grand Hotel in the

entertainment capital of the world, Las Vegas, Nevada.

The glittering city of excitement and laughter provides the scintillating

backdrop for tonight's star -studded roast.

Ladies and gentlemen, from the Ziegfeld Room of the Grand Hotel, some of the

world's greatest entertainers are here tonight as Dean Martin honors our man of

the hour, Muhammad Ali.

With tonight's guests, Howard Cotell, Orson Welles, Freddie Flynn,

Gabe Kaplan, Tony Orlando,

Gene Kelly, Isabel Sanford, Wilt Chamberlain, Sherman

Hemsley, Red Button, Rocky Graziano,

Roger Engel, Floyd Patterson,

Hospital truck, Nipsey Russell, Herbert Mohamed, and your rope master, Gene

Martin, with tonight's very special man of the hour, Mohamed Ali.

Whenever you see this guy, he's always yelling.

Are the greatest.

Are the greatest.

Now, lots of people don't agree, like Joe Frazier, Ken Norton,

and our cocktail waitress in Cleveland.

He's a great fighter, a great wit, and a great humanitarian.

I say that out of respect.

out of esteem and out of fear.

No one can deny that he's a great fighter. He's got all the equipment,

body, great legs, and he's got a 21 -inch reach.

And that's just his tongue.

I'll call Frank.

Mr.

Freddington.

Thank you very much. Thank you very much on behalf

of the Hudson Brothers.

Thank you. Thank you, Dean.

Hello, champ.

I'm very proud to be here because, uh, As a kid growing up in Spanish Harlem, I

used to watch Muhammad Ali on TV all the time, which was hard to do while two

guys were carrying it out the window.

Muhammad Ali, I like him because he's a very moral man.

He doesn't smoke, doesn't drink, doesn't gamble, doesn't go running around with

wild women.

If I did that, I could beat up everybody too.

He's a God -fearing man.

It's nice to know he's afraid of somebody.

See, but Muhammad Ali showed all us kids that it was possible for a poor boy to

get out of the ghetto.

And that's what my mother always wanted for me. She would say to me, Freddy,

what's the matter with you?

Don't hang out. I don't go to college. Be a doctor.

Who wanted to be a doctor in my neighborhood? It's difficult to make a

call to a burning house.

So she would say, Freddy, be a dentist.

There's plenty of teeth in the neighborhood.

And she was right. They were over there, over there.

what's the big deal about going to college to learn how to be something?

Especially with today's job situation.

What do you need college for?

So you can hold a better conversation in the unemployment line?

So you can say to the cashier, may I have my weekly benefits instead of give

my money, sucker?

That's why I was fascinated by a man like Ali, you know, because he got out

poverty with his fist.

So I said to myself, why couldn't I?

Everybody told me I had fast, exciting hands, hands that could penetrate any

defense and do a magnificent job.

If you don't believe me, I have Conchita, Luella, Shirley.

Shirley Tilburg, she was a social worker. She did her best work when she

social.

There's a difference between a black fighter and a Puerto Rican fighter.

Like a black fighter come up to you, all right, chump, look out, here I come.

Show me your best stuff.

Puerto Rican fighter just come out.

Okay, man.

See, but Muhammad Ali is my idol. And I gave up the idea of being a fighter,

though. I did, you know, because a champ, I'll tell you why, in your own

way. I thought I would take up fighting to win my fortune and fame. I thought I

could whoop them other cats and be tops in the fighting game.

So I showed my stuff to my buddies and this is what they saw.

I was fighting just like Ali, but I did it like Ali McGraw.

I really can relate to being here tonight because I have a history of

my family.

First of all, it was my uncle, Slapsy Maxey Kaplan.

You know, a lot of fighters train on stakes.

My uncle ate nothing but pickle herring.

He couldn't box, but he knocked out his opponents with his breath.

boxes. We have a lot of greats here tonight. We have Floyd Patterson.

Floyd is the first man to regain the heavyweight championship.

Some people say that Floyd couldn't take a punt.

Well, I don't know about that, but the Corning Glass Company is bidding on his

chin.

The second man to regain the heavyweight championship was Muhammad Ali.

Mohammed, I took a poll in the lobby of this hotel just before this roast, and

people here hope that you retain that heavyweight championship belt for a long

time.

There is one condition, though, that you agree to wear it over your mouth.

And listen, Mohammed, you're poetry. I mean, enough already.

This is the only man here who ever made Rod McEwen throw up.

Mohammed is always saying that he's pretty.

I mean, anybody would look pretty if the only man you ever stood next to were

Howard Cosell and Joe Frazier.

But this is a man who never forgets his beginnings, Muhammad Ali. In the men's

room of this hotel today, he gave his cousin a dollar tip.

But at least he's playing it safe with his money.

I was talking to Muhammad's chief financial advisor, Joe Lewis.

And they have great plans for Muhammad's money.

They're going to invest in a chain of Howard Cosell charm schools.

I'd like to close, Muhammad, with a little poem, and you'll excuse me if the

style sounds a little familiar.

Tonight we're roasting the greatest fighter alive.

People say different things about Ali. Some of them are really giant.

I'm going to tell you something that I don't know if you knew.

It gives to his people, but it gives to other people too.

So I'm going to say this right now as loud as I can, sitting right over here.

is a mighty big man.

Yeah.

Red Buck!

Why are they giving this man a rose when some of the greatest black people?

in the history of the world, never got a dinner.

That's right, when they never got a dinner.

Sidney Poitier, who once said to Lester Maddox, guess who's not coming to

dinner?

Never got a dinner.

George Foreman, who said to the referee during the Ali fight,

I think he's got a razor.

Christmas Addicts.

The black revolutionary war hero who said at the Battle of Bunker Hill, don't

fire till you see the whites.

Never got a dinner.

Will Chamberlain's mother.

who once said kids don't look up to their parents anymore.

Yes, Chan, Justice Thurgood Marshall, who said when he was appointed to the

Supreme Court, he'd come to judge.

Hey, Jemima, who once said these hotcakes are selling like hotcakes.

about a dinner.

Uncle Remus, who once said to Uncle Ben, you're a credit to your rice.

Her baby, he said when she was invited to the White House, I'll sing and I'll

dance, but I don't do windows.

and certainly one of the greatest blacks of all time, Shirley Temple Black.

I've got a dinner, but as ambassador to Ghana, she could be the dinner.

A fine young singer and a great pal of the champs, Mr.

Tony Orlando.

You can't go on fighting forever, Mohammed.

I mean, let's face it, you're not funny in share.

Matter of fact, he's so enterprising, Mohammed, one night he called Freddie

I, Freddie Prinze with the house.

Remember this one, Freddie? Yeah.

Calls up, always creating a new business idea in case it's all over, and he

says, Tony, I got it. Me, you, and Freddie are going into a soap detergent

business. We're going to call it Stick and Shine.

You told me backstage that you wanted to make Halloween.

A legal black holiday?

He did. He told me that. He said, after all, it's the only night of the year

that the spooks come out to chase the honkies.

This is all in good fun, Mohammed.

Don't hold this against me.

Actually, good luck, champ, because you are, without a doubt, the greatest

fighter since Cassius Clay.

Muhammad Ali has taken on every heavyweight challenger except one.

And that fighter is here with us tonight.

Ladies and gentlemen, the Beast of Bayonne, the Great White Hope, Billy

Boom Berkowitz.

Scared of?

I'll show you.

Scared of this body.

What do you think of it, huh? Tell me the truth. What do you think of this

I'm not going to do anything like that. My dog was burying it.

Mullet, you've been avoiding me for years.

You get a five million dollar fight and there...

I can't get a $50... out in Poland.

All you give me is promises.

You're off. Talk.

Talk. That's what you ought to talk. When they built your mouthpiece, they

the mole from the Holland Tunnel.

Mr. Colin Callum.

Wilt Chamberlain!

My next guest is an athlete who holds all kinds of scoring records,

and some of them in basketball.

Come on up here, Wilt, or whatever pleases you.

You better... You better sit down before I slam

one Paisano.

They don't have me up here because they weren't someone that was tall, dark, and

handsome.

They've got someone a lot darker.

Most people don't realize that you had a physical handicap when you were born.

That Julia Muhammad was a girl?

One of my favorite people and one of the nicest ladies I know is Georgia

Engel.

The Mary Tyler Moore Show.

Georgia is so kind and considerate that she leaves a nightlight on for burglars.

Georgia.

No,

you can call me by my first name.

All right.

What is it?

Whenever I do these roasts, the producer supplies me with some rough zingers to

say about the guests here on the dance. So here I am again, once again, with

some more raps, slams, put -down sticks, and a couple of rimshot hiss.

Okay, my first...

I'm glad to see Howard Cosell here.

Howard recently had his own television variety show. The rating was so low,

the gophers were watching.

That was a terrible thing to say.

I think, I think the only reason you didn't make it was because of the

opposition.

Unfortunately, both of the other networks had a show on at the same time.

Of course, Dean Martin is here as always.

Don't you like that handkerchief in his breast pocket?

It used to be white until he rubbed his eyes with it.

That was terrible. I don't think your eyes are red.

But I never really seen them open.

It's nice to see my friend Tony Orlando here tonight.

The way Tony sings, dances, and does comedy, they should change the name of

act to Yawn and Dawn.

It doesn't matter that you don't have much talent. You're a star.

And now we come to our guest of honor, Muhammad Ali.

I wouldn't say that Ali has an ego problem, but he's the only person I know

has X -rays retouched.

That really wasn't nice. I'm sorry.

You have a right to be conceited. You're the greatest.

Why, in fact, you told me that if you weren't a fighter, you'd be a

contortionist, so you could die in your own arms.

Ali's record in the ring is loaded with impressive words.

His recent knockout of Joe Frazier in Manila was one of the most exciting

of this decade.

And many sports writers have written it up, well, in glowing terms.

Here with us tonight is one of those writers who covered this bout.

He's from the Louisville Courier.

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Bill Crystal.

Mr. Martin, you're absolutely right when you say that the Manila fight was one

of the greatest fights in history, but it wasn't perfect, Ali.

This was missing.

Hello once again, everyone.

Howard Cosell coming to you.

We are coming to you live via satellite from Manila.

The Philippines.

Pearl of the South Pacific.

Muhammad, come on. Angelo, get Muhammad over here.

Here he is now, Muhammad Ali.

Muhammad Frazier was incredible. How'd you feel about the contest?

Everybody's talking about Joe Frazier. Don't talk about him.

I've got a lot of nonsense, I'm still so fast, and you know I'm so pretty.

I'm so fast I can turn out the lights in my bedroom, be in the bed before the

room gets dark.

In retrospect, looking back.

There is only one.

Ali, there can never be another.

He is singularly Ali, solely Ali. That's the fact that makes him great. The fact

that there is only one Ali, numero uno.

There is little I can say about this man that he has not already said himself.

Floyd Patterson was always considered one of the smartest fighters in the

business. He knew that if you were going to fight guys like Ali, you needed two

things, a good right cross and a phone number for Blue Cross.

Ladies and gentlemen, a great champion, Floyd Patterson.

Good to be standing here.

Because whether he likes it or not, the champ has to look up to me.

I'm sure he invested his purses wisely by buying stock, bonds, and real estate.

But by now he must be interested in the bakery business.

Because no fighter has ever had as much experience with cream puffs.

If he doesn't challenge me soon, he'll have to invest in chicken delight.

I suppose my biggest mistake was not taking the champ seriously when I signed

fight him.

All I heard about him was he danced around the ring spouting poetry.

He kept saying, I'm going to whoop you, whoop you, whoop you.

I said, that's whip, whip, whip.

I don't mind if you're brutal, but don't be illiterate.

The champ always says he's the greatest, but he never finishes that statement.

If you listen to them long enough, you can fill in the blanks yourself.

Thanks,

Floyd. And after the show, I'd love to have you stop in my dressing room. I'll

show you what it's like to have a real...

Championship belt.

Ladies and gentlemen, here he is, old mighty mouth.

My pal, humble Howard Cotell.

Thank you, Dino.

What the hell right you got to call me Dean?

The sudden resort to both the truculence hardly becomes you, Dean.

I've never drove a truck in my life.

You know, my friend, it suddenly occurred to me that you and I could do a

dance act.

Do it together.

The next time you play this hotel, we could call it a tantalizing tandem of...

Toe -tapping Terpsichore. I could just see our names on the marquee.

Humble and Stumble.

I admired this man ever since that fateful evening in Lewiston, Maine. When

stalked that fearsome black specimen, Sonny Liston, like a black

panther.

Don't call him black.

Sit down.

What'd you want me to do, call you a white tornado?

Suddenly, it was all over in less than one round. The invisible punch. The

referee not able to count it was Jersey Joe Walcott. He went up to 24, and that

Fleischer told him the fight was over. The only thing that went down faster

Liston that night was the ratings on my Saturday night variety.

criticized Ali's performance in the ring, but he has every right to say I am

greatest. What other fighter has a heartbeat of 50 per minute and a

of 280?

Muhammad, I don't care what any of these detractors have to say.

If I was shipwrecked on a desert island and I could pick one man to have as my

companion, I'd pick you.

On a desert island, you need a Man Friday.

wants to see me do something to you. Right?

I don't want your lawyers to sue me. I don't want the TV company to sue me. But

I've been waiting.

You're always saying, Muhammad, you're not the same man you was years ago. Show

the people now.

Show the American public you're not the same you was two years ago.

You want to know the truth?

I found him when he was a little black kid in Louisville stealing bikes. I made

him what he is. That's it.

Our practice is more and harder than our honored guest.

We have with us tonight the person who helps hone this great fighting machine

a keen edge.

Ladies and gentlemen, Muhammad Ali's sparring partner, K .O. Kelly.

You're K .O. Kelly?

No!

I'm his girlfriend!

Oh, I'm on to you, you boozer! I went to porn yesterday!

I know you couldn't get that ugly in 24 hours.

comes over after boxing with him. He's so tired doing the shuffle with Ali, he

can't do the hustle with me.

He starts out in the morning skipping rope and then at night he skips me.

I'll never forget when I first met K .O. Kelly.

He was fighting three rounders in the preliminaries, but we took one... look

each other and decided to skip the preliminaries.

That was the fabulous Ruth Fulton.

Ladies and gentlemen, one of Hollywood's truly great talents, actor, dancer,

singer, director, superstar, Mr.

Gene Kelly!

Thank you, Gene.

Your introduction to me was very nice.

It may not have been hilarious, but at least you knew who I was.

Ali, you're truly a magnificent fighter.

And I can say this because I've seen some of the great ones.

The unforgettable Joe Louis, Billy Kahn fight.

The knockdown, drag him out, Rocky Graziano, Tony Zale fight.

And probably the bloodiest of them all, the classic battle between Sonny and

Cher.

I suppose the reason that fighters in general, and you in particular, have

always appealed to me is because in every great fighter, I visualize a

master.

Tony Galento was the beer barrel polka.

With you was the alley shuffle.

And anyone who's ever paid $100 to see you fight knows you're great at the

hustle.

As much as I respect you as a fighter, I respect you more as a human being.

And I'll never forget the time.

when you held that press conference in Beverly Hills, and I brought my two

children, Bridget and Tim, down there because they wanted to meet you.

And although a lot of reporters were bombarding you and surrounding you and

asking you questions, you stopped everything and held a private, little,

fest with my two kids.

And neither I nor my children will ever forget your warmth and your tenderness.

gentlemen, the stars of the Jeffersons, Sherman Hensley and Isabel

Sancar.

Thank

you,

Dean. Oh, that's all right.

If anybody's going to thank me more, then I'll do it.

Oh, all right. Go ahead. But who wants to thank that turkey?

You,

Muhammad Ali, huh?

You look like nothing to me, Chuck.

You want to step out in the alley?

Too bad you're not more like Muhammad Ali.

Look at him.

Tall, handsome, and he has the manners of a gentleman.

Big deal!

It so happens that I have the manners of a gentleman. Really?

What gentlemen do they belong to?

You must have done this once before.

Stand up to it.

Shut up, y 'all can't stand a sight of blood.

Especially your own blood.

Gentlemen, at 170 pounds and still a champ, and boy, I love this man here,

Italian, too.

He's got so much in common, Muhammad.

I read a book. You read a book.

Of course, my book was... wrote before yours.

My book was called Somebody Up There Likes Me.

They made a movie from it with Paul Newman.

I could have done the part, you know, but I wanted to give that Paul Newman a

break.

It's real literature.

To me, when they list the literary men who work on the paper,

Your name will be there with all the other great literates.

Rocky,

you were beautiful.

But the book wasn't rotten.

It was rotten.

is the trainer and bodybuilding genius who made the champ what he is today.

Let's give a warm welcome to Foster Brooks.

Isn't he? That's amazing.

He's a fighter and you have the alcohol run.

You know, this brown clown here.

First thing I did was to change Muhammad's diet.

He was eating collard greens.

But that's what collard folks eat.

a little body with wheat germ.

And when I ran out of wheat germ, I gave him diseased wheat.

After I built his body, I had to teach him the famous Ali

shuffle.

How to move around the ring, how to dance. You know these people, they

any rhythm.

into a super great, to a super fighter yesterday, he was, he was a different

man. He was young, inexperienced, a 97 pound weakling, and,

oh yes, one other thing, he was white.

When I change a man, I go all white.

This is the brilliant Orson Welles. Who will ever forget that scary radio show

he did?

It drove thousands of people into the streets screaming. The last time I heard

such screaming was the night Howard Cosell walked into the casino of the MGM

Grand without his hairpiece.

These two guys are getting them.

He's my good pal and a genius. And when I say a genius, I mean...

I mean a genius.

grateful for that very eloquent and laudatory introduction.

It's just a pity you're not here to enjoy it.

On this solemn occasion, for just this once, there's no real chance for

Ali to blow his own horn.

And therefore, since he can't be the honker, I will be the honky.

Did not come here to bury this sepia beaver, but to praise him.

On the other hand, every time he opens his mouth, he buries himself.

Muhammad Ali, the author, seriously, the versifier, the poet that I'd like to

speak. And I'm sure that Dean is vitally interested in that aspect of Muhammad's

versatility. Aren't you, Dean?

faint innocence of the poetic art, Dean.

For once tonight, drop your facade.

On all these people?

You'll drop your facade.

It's not on the family hour. No, not surely, surely, Dean. You're stirred by

names of Shelley, Keats, and Byron.

Ruby Begunia ring a bell.

Never mind, I didn't come here to talk sense with you.

Nor have I come to discuss the literary quality of the poetry written by this

colorful creator of cacophonous couplets.

Amazing, those KKK sounds turned Nipsey Russell two shades whiter.

Mr. Newton, what?

They've all told you in rhyme how he wins every time. He's the greatest to

take the cup.

Well, if he can float like a butterfly and sting like a bee, why can't he

imitate a clam and shut up?

the most illustrious, the most magnificent superhuman on the planet

He is really a big man in every respect.

Big reputation and big in size. If you wanted to appreciate our big years, we

were in the casino.

There was a little white fellow there gambling. He had 21 and was scared to

blackjack.

at Howard Cosell. He's ugly enough already.

I guess I don't have to tell you how beautiful he is, but I can tell you he

backstage with a looking glass in his hand. He said, mirror, mirror in my

who is the fairest in this land?

Cosell leaned over and said, it's still Snow White, baby. Don't you forget it.

You can get rich if you find the doctor that delivered you I guarantee you got a

great malpractice case

When

I'm near you I just get so flustered and so bothered he said you may be

flustered baby, but you won't be bothered

And we've heard you sing, and we're going to tie that yellow ribbon around

mouth.

Freddie Prince.

They look alike.

Freddie and Tony.

I guess they all look alike too, don't they?

Freddie not only looks great in his tuxedo, but on the way to the desk

he made $15 in tips waiting on the table.

out here. He got married over at Caesar's Palace. He asked to see the

Rican bridal suite, and they led him to the kitchen.

Freddy was mad, but he didn't question God, because you see, Puerto Ricans

like to fight just one man.

See, when you fight one man, you can only cut one way.

They like to fight in a group, where everywhere you throw your blades, you

somebody.

That's all right, Freddy.

Mexicans don't want you, but we'll take you.

Ain't gonna expect between a spick and a spook, you know that.

When I heard the title of Dave Kaplan's show, Come Back Carter, I thought it was

about a convict.

You see where I live, when we tell a guy, welcome back, there's only one

he's been.

They say he's a Jew, but with that Afro hairdo, there's a watermelon in your

future somewhere.

people happy.

He was born white.

But we are talking tonight about, I guess, the most agile

technician in the pugilistic history.

Hail to thee, Muhammad Ali. You're a universal star.

Muhammad means enlightened leader, and that's exactly what you are.

Now it's time for the KO punch.

Here's our man of the hour, the heavyweight champion of the world,

gentlemen, Mr.

Muhammad Ali.

Some comedians up here, I've heard of guys throwing fights.

I'm sure you all have heard about guys that throw fights.

But this is the first time that I've seen anybody throw a roast.

And Isabel Sanford.

And Sherman Hemsley.

When you were scrambling and scrambling, you were almost as bad as white folks.

And Claude Patterson.

You know, when I fought you, man, I almost put you to sleep. And with that

you're talking tonight, you almost put me to sleep.

And you are intelligent.

You two fighters are intelligent.

Most boxers couldn't even read what y 'all read. I watched y 'all read.

No kidding.

You get George Foreman or Joe Frazier kidding on up here.

You,

you're great.

You are really great.

I mean, you come here, you come here high and you still can make it look

You don't seem like a man.

would have a big television show like this and such a world figure, nice

looking. And he don't care nothing about these shows. He don't care nothing

about the strips.

He came in at the edge, you know.

How you feeling? I'm fine.

Got your thing down? Yeah.

All right, we're going.

Hey, George.

He's serious.

Everybody's got some type of talent, Colesale.

We've made it, either being great, Our good looks, personality, our connections

are some type of influence. But you are living proof that you don't need nothing

to make it.