Original subtitles

The Dean Martin Celebrity Rose comes to you from the fabulous MGM Grand Hotel in

the entertainment capital of the world, Las Vegas, Nevada.

Ladies and gentlemen, from the beautiful, world -famous Celebrity Room,

tonight's star -studded rose has brought together some truly great entertainers.

Join Dean Martin as he honors tonight's very special man of the year.

Mr. T.

With tonight's guests, Bob Holt, Gerd

Kapar, Don Rickles, Gary Coleman, Nell Carter,

Ann Jillian, Gavin McCloud,

Ricky Schroeder, Howard Cosell, Rick Little, Maureen

Murphy.

Red Button, Ditchon, Slappy White, and your Roastmaster,

Dean Martin.

With tonight's Man of the Year, Mr.

T!

Well, tonight we're all gathered here at the beautiful MGM Hotel in Las Vegas to

pay tribute to one of television's most popular and dynamic personalities.

From the A -team, Mr. T.

On these roasts, we generally acknowledge people who have made it to

Well, Mr.

T sure qualifies on that score.

He's a star.

And his show is always up there in the top two or three.

Mr. T is a very compassionate man and a real hero to kids.

And he always brings them a message of hope.

He's tough. He's tender.

He's terrific.

Get a load of the size of this guy.

I'm not going to mess with him.

He can wrestle. He can fight.

And he's also a master of karate.

I know you've got a black belt, but...

Why do you have to wear it on your head?

He's not getting up, is he?

Is he getting up?

Not getting up, is he? Our guest of honor, a really success story. He was

in Chicago and came from a very large family.

His mother had 11 children.

He was four of them.

Winning Mr. T is tough.

His brother once ran off and married a tractor.

He's a great believer in clean living. He doesn't smoke, he doesn't drink, and

he doesn't party. No wonder he's so mean.

But we've got to give him credit. He came a long way.

Today he owns two homes, one in Beverly Hills, one at the beach, and he has two

Volkswagens, one for each foot.

There's a little hunk of dynamite on television whose comedy hit Different

Strokes has been making millions of viewers happy for a long time.

Ladies and gentlemen, the dynamic, the delightful, Mr. Gary Coleman.

When I received my invitation to come here tonight, I got real excited.

Because since I started watching A -Team, Mr. T has been my idol.

So much so that I'm not waiting until I'm all grown up to be like him.

I'm going to be like him right now.

The pocket size.

Yes, sir.

Mr. C is going to be just as bad as Mr.

T. That's what I told my mother at breakfast this morning when she brought

that oatmeal.

I said, take it back.

I'm tough.

I want my oatmeal with lunch.

Even at school, when the teacher asked me to wash the blackboard, I said, what

for? The more I wash it, the blacker it gets.

That's why I run my own life like you do.

I don't listen to nobody.

No way, no time, no how.

Take that drink out your hand and pay attention to what I'm saying.

I just want to be a big man like you.

Ladies and gentlemen, A.

Jillian.

What muscles? I mean, the man has muscles on his muscles.

Nancy Reagan sat on his lap and bruised her dress.

team is so violent that NBC had to put on Saint Elsewhere just to handle the

casualties.

But, Mr. T, you know, you must be doing something right because your show is a

great success.

Week in and week out your band of vigilantes blow up buildings, highways,

bridges. Why, I just read where Russia wants to sign a separate peace treaty

with the A -Team.

And, Mr. T, you know, every time I watch your show, there you are.

Running your car up on a sidewalk, knocking over fire hydrants, crashing

store windows, and for this they pay you huge sums of money.

Gee, I feel sorry for the New York cabbies. They do the same thing for

But I know, Mr. T, that your famous scowl and your intimidating image is all

play acting.

Inside that hulking, muscular body, there's a little boy just waiting to

out and beat up on Gary Coleman.

with the red button.

Yeah.

Ladies and gentlemen, I'm with the B team.

I'm here tonight to ask one question.

And one question alone.

Why?

Why are we giving this man a dinner and some of the biggest people?

In the history of the world.

Never got a dinner.

Adam.

Adam who said to Eve in the Garden of Eden, what do you mean you got nothing

wear?

Never got a dinner.

Noah who said to his travel agent, how come it never rains on Love Boat?

Christopher, who said, where can I buy a Frank Sinatra medal?

Sitting Bull, who said to General Custer, that's not my real name, but

going to listen to an Indian chief named Iving?

Elizabeth Taylor, who said to Joan Rivers, first we'll eat, then we'll

said when he delivered Mr.

T. He slapped me.

Never.

Never.

Never does it.

Michelangelo's girlfriend who said to Angelo, forget the paint. Let's put a

mirror on the ceiling.

who said on their honeymoon, this is your third blooper tonight?

One of the highlights of any roast is the appearance of the man of a thousand

voices.

They shall hear you.

And he's the greatest.

And I'm talking about the greatest impressionist who always makes a great

impression. Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Rich Little.

It's amazing how many celebrities are aware of Mr.

T's popularity.

For instance...

President Ronald Reagan.

Well, I'm delighted to

be here tonight.

The last time that I saw Mr.

T, he was playing Santa Claus at the White House, if you'll pardon the

expression.

You know, I must admit that when I saw Nancy sitting in his lap,

I was a bit upset.

As a matter of fact, I turned to what's -his -name, the vice president.

Another personality that's aware of Mr.

T is Mr.

John Houseman.

My name is John Houseman, actor,

producer,

and hamburger salesman.

It's the first time that I've ever met Mr. T before

in my life.

However,

I did have a chance last week to watch his acting techniques

on the A -Team.

I've come to the conclusion that the man makes money the old -fashioned way.

Deals.

Rodney Dangerfield is aware of Mr.

T.

Hey, hey, what a crowd, what a crowd.

I got no respect, you know what I mean? No respect.

Do you know I was the first choice to play Mr. T in the A -Team?

I went to the director and I said, hey, I'm the toughest guy in Hollywood.

First day on the set, I crushed 2 ,000 pounds of steel with my bare hands.

I drove the director's car into a stone wall.

No respect.

When they asked me to blow up a bus, blow up a bus, I burnt my lips on the

exhaust pipe.

Fine.

I would like to call on probably my favorite performer of all time, Kermit

Frog.

Wait a second.

Wait a second here.

Rich. How are you going to read the cue cards if you're standing like that?

Never mind. I'll read them for you.

Hi. I'll read them for you, too, Gene.

Green eyes for red eyes.

That's the key.

Gosh, look at the size of this guy.

You sure you don't sell shade for a living?

Would you stand up here a second? Just stand up here a second.

Wait.

Listen, Miss Piggy was going to be here tonight, but she's a little upset with

you.

See, you stole something of hers.

Do you remember this?

And that Myers couldn't be here tonight, so they sent some wires.

And I'd like to read a few of them to you. This one is from Walter Mondale.

Dear Mr. T, how much would you charge to kick the right stuff out of John Glenn?

This is from the brokerage firm of E .F. Hutton. Dear Mr.

T, when you talk, we even listen.

This is from the doorman at the MGM. Dear Ricky Schroeder, please come to the

front desk. Your roller skates are illegally parked.

Now I'd like to do my impression of Cary Grant sneezing.

Cheers.

years back, starred in a great movie called The Champ, and who now has his

TV series called Silver Spoons.

Let's welcome the talented Ricky Schroeder.

I'm here tonight because I'm a fan of Mr. T, and I appreciate all he's done

us kids.

Wherever he goes, he preaches decency, dignity, and love of learning to young

people. As a matter of fact, he's even come out with his own version of the

-known children's fairy tales, written in his own personal style, so that kids

in his old neighborhood can still relate to them.

I thought maybe I'd read one of them tonight.

Once upon a time in the south side of Chicago, there was a foxy little lady by

the name of Little Red Riding Hood.

One night while she was sitting home with her ghetto blaster on,

for the latest Motown hit, Luciano Pavarotti sings the best of the

Her mama said, Hey, Red, your grandmother's feeling kind of poorly.

So why don't you take her to this basket of food?

It's got some fine chicken necks, hog maws, okra, and grits.

Grits, says little Red?

How many?

How do I know how many, said her mother?

There must be millions of those little things.

and picked up the bat and cut out for Granny's pad.

But unbeknownst to Little Red, a big, bad wolf, a crude and rude dude, if

ever was one, had been following her fine frame all the way.

See, she got the granny before she did, so when Little Red entered the room,

there was the wolf already in bed, dressed like her sweet, loving

Why, Granny, said Little Red, what big eyes you have.

The better to dig your very mod bods, said the wolf.

What a big nose you have.

The better to pick up your fine perfume.

Ham hocks number five.

But by now, Little Red was getting hip to this whole scene, and she warned the

wolf. You come near me, and I'm going to call the police.

neighborhood?

How are they going to know it's a black neighborhood, asked Little Red.

You call them the police and they'll know.

Just as the wolf was about to make a move on Little Red, came the sound of

thunder and Mr. T, the Southside Superman, better known as the Incredible

came crashing through the back door.

Actually, there was no back door at the time, but he made one.

Mr. T just stood there looking mean.

And with one mighty blow, he slam -dunked that wolf into eternity.

With one shot, he made Wolf jerky out of that turkey.

Mr. T had saved the day and once again proved that crime doesn't pay.

From that time on, a legend has grown in the ghetto.

They say on nights when the moon is full on Hawkins, the cold wind from the

north comes whistling over Lake Michigan.

You can still hear that panic -stricken wolf crying, Please, Lord!

I look forward to being here this evening so I could introduce our next

He's done it all. The stage, the screen, television.

He's touched us all in good times and bad with a miracle that has kept America

going.

Laughter. Ladies and gentlemen, my good friend and certainly yours, Mr.

Bob Hope.

Thank you, Dan. I'm so glad to be here, and it's such a thrill to get such a

glowing introduction from a host with a glow on.

I am so happy to be here.

When Mr. T invited me to be a guest at his roast, I couldn't turn him down.

That's because he's one of NBC's hottest new stars.

He's a great guy, and I prefer to have knees that bend in only one direction.

No, he's hot. All the talk shows want him.

Merv wants him to talk to him.

Letterman wants him to talk to him.

And Johnny Carson wants him to talk to Joanna.

Now, Mr. T did our show in Hawaii, and I found we have quite a bit in common.

We agree on almost everything except barbers.

And what a welcome we got when we landed in Honolulu. They put a layer on Mr.

T's neck, and he ate it.

He got a lot of money for us for doing that show, too.

That's because his fist is as big as my agent.

We handled Mr. T very delicately on the show, especially after I found out where

all the gold he wears comes from.

Comedian's teeth.

Now, he's an intimidating young man. When we were in Hawaii, I took him to a

luau, and when we sat down, the pig choked on the apple.

Kidding. He doesn't have a mean bone in his body.

It's all gristle.

He's got muscles in places where I don't even have places.

And I wouldn't say Mr. T was brave, but he once ran into a burning building and

bodily dragged out six men.

Unfortunately, they were firemen.

And I love the way you style your hair.

Looks like a skid mark from a Greyhound bus.

I'll tell you, he's mean.

That feather hanging from his ear used to be the NBC peacock.

Now, he was always tough. When he was 18, he got a job driving a bus.

So powerful, he used to change tires without jacking up the bus.

Can you believe all that gold he wears?

He looks like Fort Knox with legs.

He's got Sammy Davis beat by a mile.

If Sammy Davis wore that much gold, he'd have to have Mr.

T carry him around.

And let me tell you, Zsa Zsa Gabor is crazy about him. She loves any man who

that much community property hanging around his neck.

Right out there where the judge can see it.

He doesn't drink. He doesn't smoke. He lives such a good, clean life. He makes

Ricky Schroeder look like Scarface.

Did you know he was a bodyguard for Phyllis Diller?

Nobody laid a hand on her.

That's why she fired him.

Say, I'm so glad to have this chance to help honor you here tonight.

The character you developed on the A -Team has captured the imagination of

adults and kids all over the country.

And I want to congratulate you for doing so much for so many people on your own

time. The T in Mr.

T stands for one thing.

Terrific. You keep it up, you hear?

Mr. Gavin McCloud.

You know, I was so concerned about what I was going to say tonight that when I

ran into Johnny Carson and told him my problem, he said, Gavin, just be

yourself.

Tell the truth. Right now, I'd rather be Johnny Carson.

Because if I were, I'd probably be able to say something like, here at the MGM

Grand, they gave me a room next to a honeymoon couple.

But while I was paying for the room, I had the right to listen.

You see?

I can't do those kind of jokes.

I'm an actor, not a comic.

So how am I going to make fun of Mr. T?

Well, if I were Don Rickles, I could say, Mr.

T is so mean, he watches mouthwash commercials and cheers for the germs.

Well, if I were the beloved little red -headed comic Red Buttons, I would be

jumping up and down and asking the magic question, why should we give this man a

dinner when Eli Whitney...

The inventor of the cotton gin who once said, get your cotton -picking fingers

off my gin.

Never got a gin.

You're right.

But those are the kind of things only comedians can say.

So as an actor, I guess I'll just say, keep up the good work, Mr. T.

You're a star.

You deserve to be.

And any time you want to come aboard the love boat.

There'll be a seat at the captain's table.

Thank you very much.

And then Mr.

Slappy White.

Final Mr.

T from Chicago.

And in his neighborhood, the Avon lady would ring and run.

But it's safe to go through his neighborhood at night if you're a

But look at him now, 30 pounds of gold chains around his neck, $200 slacks,

$150 shoes, and no underwear.

One thing I can say about Mr. T, he's got a lot of nerve.

Anybody will walk around with a haircut like that, have to have a lot of nerve.

Then again, black people got more nerve than white people.

Would you buy a Cadillac without a jar?

But I'd like to say one thing about Mr. T because, see, I've been watching you

and you've been doing so many nice things for the kids to help humanity and

bring good cheer to America so we can come up with a nice life. And you're a

great man. I want to do a special piece of material and dedicate it to you.

It's called Brotherhood.

It's the white man and the black man.

Would just work.

Hand in hand, they could make this whole world a promised land.

You had George Washington, and we had Booker T.

You got congressmen in Congress, and so have we.

Einstein split the atom, no ifs, ands, or buts.

Look what Dr.

Carver did with the little peanut.

We will forget about slavery.

You forget the Indian raids.

We quit calling you hunkies, and you quit calling us spades.

Together, we'll wipe out poverty, hatred, and we'll conquer outer space.

So why don't we just get together and let all men share God's grace.

Thank you and God bless you.

Ladies and gentlemen, our most unique talent, Mr.

Dick Shawn.

Clappy, you're absolutely right.

Incredible.

The black and the white problem is a problem in America, but we're forgetting

about another group.

It's the red man.

and the Jewish man.

To get together hand in hand for a wonderful land this would be.

Hey, you gave us the beautiful Pocahontas, Sitting Bull, and the

Niagara Falls.

We gave you Joan Rivers, Don Rickles, and a recipe for matzo balls.

That's right. You told us how to live out on the reservation, getting by and

eating buffalo meat.

We told you, make the reservation first, then go out and eat.

So come on, everybody.

Put your hands together like this. Please, everybody, put them together

this. Seal it with a kiss.

Let's all have some fun out of life and do things like this.

The man is laughing now. I'm really surprised. I thought there was going to

lot more problems, but he's a wonderful human being. I thought, I was so scared

that I brought a golf club with me.

I don't have to use it now. And when I was just trying to decide what club to

use, I didn't know what club to use. I looked at his head and I said, it looks

like an eight iron to me.

The jewelry, $300 ,000 I read, right? $300 ,000 worth of jewelry the man

around. That means from the chin up, he is richer than Yugoslavia.

But this is the paladin. He could sing.

You can imagine him coming out on stage doing a song.

This rap song, rapping away.

Oh, take on time.

Take on time.

Take on time.

Take on time.

Hey, everybody.

Don't you mess with me.

I'm the one and only Mr. T. I don't take no lip. I don't eat no crow.

If I bop you on the head, you ain't never gonna grow.

You fool. Keep off the grass. Go back to school.

I'm going to rip off your face and stick it on your back. Kick you in the

eyeballs. Put you in a sack.

Because I'm rough, tough, mean, and cute.

I'm a hot toddy. Look at that body. You can talk about your muscles, but you

ought to see mine.

Hair on my head like a bowl of twine. Skin on the belly. Every time I walk, I

bum, bum, bum.

My good pal, and we did a picture together a long time ago, Mr. George

Tonight I'm here on behalf of the A -Team, the whole group, on a very happy

mission, to pass along our good wishes to a guy who has done so much.

to ensure the success of our show.

And I'm talking about my friend, T, Brother T.

A little bit bigger than life, with his intimidating scowl, outlandish mandinka

that parts his scalp, the oak tree arms, and that wild profusion of chains and

gold jewelry.

He's probably bigger than ten lives.

But there's a T you've never seen the way I have.

That T exudes the kind of compassion and humanity

that very few human beings can.

There's a saying, you can't fool a child, and that's the truth.

For despite the ferocity of the roles he's portrayed in Rocky III, and more

recently in our show, he hasn't fooled the kids of America one bit.

They sense, they know, that underneath the surface toughness is a kind of

childlike quality, which they recognize in themselves.

That's why children swarm around him in the streets. They do everywhere we go.

That's why they relate to him when, despite his very busy life, he finds

visit them in the hospital wards and always inserting that big brother

admonition. Now, you go to the library and study books, you hear?

This is Mr. T, this modern -day Pied Piper.

This is the Mr. T that I and the rest of the A -team know.

And the big secret that we all know is the T really stands for tenderness.

He's a team player.

He's a professional.

And he's my friend.

I am truly so thrilled by his success.

I'm glad I was around to see it happen.

Thank you very much.

In the field of sports commentary, when you think of phrases like honesty,

straight from the shoulder, and tell it like it is, you think of one man, Howard

Cosell.

Mr. T was raised in a neighborhood which has been described by sociologists.

as an area of cultural deprivation characterized by economic instability

paucity of opportunity for upward mobility.

English translation, it was a slum.

Now, all this led him to the hit NBC show, The A -Team and Wealth Beyond His

Wildest Fantasies. Just look at him, diamond rings and earrings.

Now we know what the T stands for.

Tiffany.

You're like an oyster.

Cut through that shell.

You're all soft inside, baby. You're really a pussycat.

This is cuter than a koala bear.

Miss Maureen Murphy.

Thank you.

It's a real honor to be here tonight to roast you, Miss T, because we really

love you in Australia because it's a very overly macho country there. The men

are very macho.

That's why they love you.

There they'll get a woman pregnant just to kill a rabbit.

And I tried to explain to my mother I wanted to be an actress. I said, Mother,

want to learn to cry real tears. I want to be able to show great emotion for

someone I don't really care for.

She said, Become a housewife.

But she told me if I went into movies, I'd have to do a nude scene.

Now, I wouldn't do a nude scene. I think if God meant us to be naked, he'd make

our skin fit better.

But in Australia, there's so much, you see, and our idea of the perfect wife is

Nancy Reagan.

And I know you met her in person.

And I met her in person, too.

And I was so impressed, because she seemed so lifelike.

I would like to be in movies, just like you.

And my fantasy is that I'm Princess Leia from Return of the

Jedi, dressed as a slave girl, forced to dance for Jabba the Hutt, this huge,

fat, slug -like creature which makes strange sounds like oompa -gabba -wabba

-woompa.

But you put a beard in his hand, he looks like any guy watching Monday Night

Football.

about the game that's why i watch monday night football and howard cosell

because i like to see someone else who doesn't know anything about footballing

well

i don't know if you've ever played football but i wouldn't marry a football

player because i wouldn't want to have kids that don't have necks oh and my

other fantasy is to kiss don wrinkles

Till I met him here tonight, and...

Well,

I thought we were the same height, but I noticed that you are a little taller

than me.

And an older man should never kiss a short woman, because the skin all falls

forward.

And you look like a basset hound.

Mr. Don Rickles!

I bring love and I bring peace.

And I bring kindness and warmth.

I love the black people.

People of my life, my world, they do what they're told.

We're honoring Mr.

T.

Why?

I met this man many, many years ago in a 7 -Eleven store and he said, give me

your money.

And of course, this little annoying midget.

You were great in that picture, Ricky. I loved it. J .J., if I were you, you'd

just... Sniffling and whining all over the screen.

And, Angeline, you're a lovely woman and gorgeous.

I'm happily married, but my wife is ill.

Her body dances and tingles. My wife's body just lays in the bed and goes...

walrus, but I gotta be nice, because everything's in her name.

Of course, Rich Little, who does impressions, but he doesn't do one of my

biggies. My first picture, Rich, he could never top me on this. Clark Gable,

-starler on detail. I'm gonna tell you, Mr. T, I don't give a damn what's

happening. Take the ship down. Down, down, down, down.

Anyway, uh, please, don't applaud.

Don't applaud. You're not going anyplace doing fraud tricks on your shoulder.

A little laughing, and the black guy just rolled you.

I'd like you to know this is Nell Carter. I did have the pleasure of being

guest star on her show, Give Me a Break. I brought her a lovely gift. And she

said, I'm not talking to you, man.

I'm not talking to you.

She's a lovely, lovely star. You ask her.

I've seen her in her bathrobe and the dressing room when people go, I'm being

sucked under!

And George Pappard, who keeps calling me on the phone saying, Why is that black

guy getting the bigger lines?

Anyway, George isn't jealous, but when you go to bed tonight...

Try to listen for a clock.

Your park, George, is getting smaller and smaller. Tell him what you told me,

how you're fed up with the blacks and you don't want them in your

But we need the blacks. Without them, there'd be no Olympics.

That's right. These people are great runners. You put a gun in their can,

can beat a bullet.

I would be amiss if I didn't mention that Bob Hope is here tonight. It's good

see you, Bob.

He's here because there's no war on.

And Howard Cosell, I say from the bottom of my heart, you're annoying and you

should go away.

And so, again, to Mr. T, you're the best, you've proven that, and continued

success. Thank you very much.

We've been doing these roasts for a lot of years, and we've honored some of the

biggest stars in the show business.

Tonight, we pay tribute to a guy who gives unselfishly to bring a little

happiness to kids all over the country. You can't get bigger than that. Ladies

and gentlemen, Mr.

Thank you, Dean.

And my two little buddies, Gary Coleman and Ricky Schroeder, you are a couple of

wonderful kids.

Your parents must be real proud of you.

Don Rickles, you are too much.

You should be on the A -team.

If you're wondering where I get my jewelry from, well, Liberace had a

sale.

George Pappard, you've been like a father to me, and I love you so much,

are the reason why the A -team is number one.

Howard Cosell, you're a great sportcaster in my book.

Know why?

Because you tell it like it is.

And you're a very kind man.

And I want to thank you for the nice words.

And Bob Hope, it ain't a day in my life that I don't read about you flying

off somewhere to do a benefit or to entertain our guys in service.

You really have a heart of gold.

And Dean, you're a fun -loving superstar.

And because of that, I want to give you a big hug for making all this possible.

This has been a very special moment in my life.

I never would have thought that in my wildest dreams as a kid,

growing up in the south side of Chicago, that some of the most famous people in

the show business would gather in one place to pay an honor to me

by kidding me, by making jokes about me, and having fun with me. I

am very sure that my mother, my father, and my daughter Lisa are very proud

tonight. I know I am.

Because... This bit of fame that you have given me makes it all possible for

to go out and do a lot of things that are dear and near to me.

Like giving my name, my hand, and my heart to all people who are in need.

Like kids who can't read but should be reading.

Like kids who are sick in a hospital somewhere.

God, where should I sign that?

Where do you want me to sign that?

Sign my name. Where? Here, there, or where?

Right there. All right.

2JN. J -A -N, right?

Right?

All right. I'm going to put it down there. Get well.

Get well.

See them little kids?

They like me. I like little kids.

That's Mickey Mouse there. And I got a poster for you.

That's Mickey Mouse right there.

See?

Who is that right there?

Who is Mr.

T?

All right.

Wow.

You got ice cream.

Golly. You got fish.

Wow. You're going to be strong.

You want to touch my hair?

Give me a big hug.

This is truly God's work, and I'll do it as long as he wants me to.

So I just want to say from this kid, who have come a long, long way,

thanks.

And that's from the bottom of my heart.

I really mean that.

Thank you, and God bless you.