Original subtitles

The Dean Martin Celebrity Roast, coming to you from the MGM Grand Hotel in the

entertainment capital of the world, Las Vegas, Nevada.

Ladies and gentlemen, from the beautiful Ziegfeld Room, tonight's star -studded

roast has brought together some of the world's greatest entertainers.

They've come from all over the world to be here tonight, here in Las Vegas, in

person.

the Week.

Your Roastmaster, Dean Barton.

And our very special man of the week, Monty Hall.

Well, tonight we're honoring Monty Hall.

I'm not asking you to laugh or applaud during this roast.

Just try to stay awake.

I gave up a lot to be here tonight.

I could have been home watching a TV special entitled Jacques Gaston Paper

Trains a Whale.

A lot of you may be asking why we're honoring Monty Hall.

Remember, I asked first.

I don't know too much about Monty, but I do know he was born in Manitoba,

Canada, and he's about as exciting as his hometown.

Manitoba is so square, you can't buy a brassiere without a prescription.

But Monty was destined to host quiz shows. Even back in Manitoba, he'd

go up to strange girls and say, let's make a deal.

Tonight we're happy to have Bert Parks with us.

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Bert Parks!

I have an announcement started on the 5 ,000 watt station down in Atlanta,

Georgia.

I have learned that you can sell anything on television.

So I'd like to do a commercial for our man of the week.

Friends, have you ever tried the new improved Monty Hall?

The TV host who has his whole family raving about him?

Here's what one satisfied user has to say.

I've been using Monty Hall for 25 years.

And every now and then, he satisfies me.

I'm Mrs. Monty Hall.

Cut.

Thank you. Now, Miss Audrey Meadows is a real pro.

And here she is, the lovely and very talented Miss Audrey Nibble.

You know, recently a national telephone rating service did a breakdown of

Monty's Let's Make a Deal show, which seems kind of unnecessary because the

seems pretty broken down already.

Nevertheless, these fascinating statistics did emerge.

Forty -two percent of the men in Encino were willing to swap their wives for

whatever's behind curtain number three.

Even if they're not in there.

Ninety -two percent didn't have any opinion about Let's Make a Deal, but

that Nixon was the one who should be wife.

Of the eight women called in Los Angeles, seven answered the phone by

It's okay, Raul. He's not home. Come on over.

The eighth woman said, I can't talk now. Raul is here.

And finally, Mrs. Monty Hall of Beverly Hills said, Listen, Raul, I can't talk

now.

When Rocky Graziano was in his prime, he was probably one of the greatest

fighters of all time.

Of course, as he reached the end of his career, he was seen on more floors than

Johnson's wax.

Ladies and gentlemen, still a champ in the hearts of sports fans, Rocky

Graziano.

Thank you.

Thanks a lot. I came all the way here from New York to see a mug, a Monty

Will you believe this? This is my biggest mistake I ever made since I

Tony Zell.

I don't even know who the hell this guy is.

They even gave this guy a star on Hollywood Boulevard.

Even Dean didn't have a star on Hollywood Boulevard. He didn't need one.

there himself.

At first they tried to put me, Marty's footprints in cement at Newman's Chinese

Theater. But Marty's so dull, he made no impression.

Marty, in closing, let me say, your show has put more people to sleep than I did

with my right hook.

Well, I'm sure Mr. Gene Kelly will agree with me when I say that Donald O

'Connor... was one of the greatest dancers in show business. As a matter of

fact, when he made musicals for Universal, his legs were insured for a

dollars. And that was only for theft.

Ladies and gentlemen, a great performer, Mr. Donald O 'Connor.

You know, it's a great pleasure, ladies and gentlemen, for me to be here

tonight. Of course, there are some critics who disparage Let's Make a Deal.

They say the whole show is based on greed, but they're wrong.

I'll tell you what greed is.

Greed is Waltons having another kid.

Greed is Peter Agnew trying to collect unemployment insurance.

Greed is Frank Sinatra asking a lady of the evening if she has any green stamps.

And so, Bonnie, don't listen to those who criticize you. Let's make a deal.

It's a terrific show, and from the bottom of my heart, there's only one

that I can wish you.

That when you go home to your wife tonight, you find a strange man behind

curtain number two.

Monty, a lot of your friends couldn't be here tonight.

They're so lucky.

And they sent... They sent some wires, and I'm going to read a few of them

here.

The first one is from Miss Mary Tracy. It says, Dear Monty, I've been standing

in line at your show for 18 months.

I'm dressed as an ear of corn.

I have fallen in love with the man ahead of me who is dressed as a lima bean.

Please let us on the show fast because we're expecting a little succotash.

Oh, and here's one from Attorney General John Mitchell. Dear Monty, would love

to come on your show and win an oven so I can stick my head in it.

Ladies and gentlemen, a real pro in every sense of the word, Mr.

Gene Kelley.

Donnie how?

I especially love the way people in Ottawa dress up with those big iron feet

long green tails and purple wings. And, of course, Dean is fortunate. He sees

those without even turning on the TV.

Donnie and his wife have three beautiful children. That's true. They used to

have a fourth, but Donnie treasures it away for a year's supply of dog food and

a microphone.

There's another even more important reason why the Dean Martin comedy hour

honoring Monty Hall tonight We couldn't get Peter Marshall

I remember the first time I ever met Monty Hall. I don't know whether you

remember this or not, but I'd just been elected to the United States Senate, and

there I was right off the farm from Shirkyville, Indiana. You think

bad, huh?

There I was, and I found myself for the first time in one of these large Beverly

Hill receptions.

Standing there, nobody looked at me, nobody knew me, and I saw this fellow

looked rather familiar, and I walked up to him, stuck out my hand, and said,

Hello, I'm Bert Spai.

He said, my name's Hall.

I'm sure you've heard of me.

I thought for a moment, I said, yes, sir, Mr. Hall, all of us in Indiana have

heard of you.

In fact, I want to personally congratulate you for all the money

selling men's suits.

It's a great privilege to be a great friend and a warm human being in Great

America.

Thank you, Senator. It's nice to have Art Linkletter with us.

He's contributed much to television.

Lately, he's been taking it easy. Art's idea of an exciting evening is testing

the brakes on a Toyota.

A fine entertainer, a wonderful gentleman, Mr.

Art Linkletter.

As everyone knows, those of us in television live and die with the Nielsen

ratings. Those are the ratings that tell us how many people we have watching.

But there's another very important rating.

ABC recently did a demographic rating on Monty Hall's program to show you the

kind of people, what makes it popular.

Computing the results, they discovered that Let's Make a Deal appeals to almost

every kind of person you can think of. For instance, insomniacs like it. It

them to sleep even in the afternoon.

People with cardiac conditions love it because their doctors advise them no

excitement under any condition.

The Roto -Rooter Man.

Oh, they like it. They like seeing somebody else go down the drain for a

And the Gay Liberation Group. They like it because it proves there's no fun in

being straight.

Monty's wife likes it because for 30 minutes every day...

she knows where he is.

As a matter of fact, there's only one group, just one dissenting group.

Sorry, the manufacturers of bandini fertilizer because they

feel it's strictly unfair competition.

It's nice to have Jack Carter with us.

I'm not saying his jokes are old, but instead of cue cards, they're printed on

Medicare cards.

He is a real funny guy and a real good friend, Mr. Jack Carter.

Well, Dean, this has been a hot night, right?

It's been a great evening, and if you believe that, Nixon's getting a third

term.

Oh, it's kind of a nuclear evening. I never followed so many bombs in my life.

Hey, Gene Kelly and Donald, you got great delivery in your feet.

People talk about the energy crisis. Here's the man who's causing it all.

He's always gassed, he's usually oiled, and he's lit up all the time.

week, Dean wanted a giant in this particular field.

But Bob Hope turned it down.

And Buddy Hackett can stick it.

So we're stuck with Monty Hall.

Here he is, the darling of the menopause set.

He never forgets that idiotic show. It's on his mind all the time. I was in a

men's room with him earlier. He stood there for hours. He couldn't decide

whether to go behind door one, door two, or door three.

But then he made up his mind. It was too late.

What a day. What a group of powerhouses.

Senator Birch Bay.

Is it Bay or Bay?

Bay.

You buy Bay and I'll Bay buy.

He's a powerhouse. He's afraid of no one. A couple of years ago, Senator

said to Nixon, we've got to take crime off the streets. And Nixon did it. He

it in the White House.

Oh, golly, what a man. What a star. The all -time great.

Dance with Donald O 'Connor. He danced with Fred Astaire. And last week, he

danced with Frank Sinatra. Gene, people are beginning to talk.

a little funny. I've noticed that.

What a guy. He's true Irish. Gene Kelly all the way. Never misses the St.

Patrick's Day Parade in New York. Every day, every year he's there. You ever see

that St. Patrick's Day Parade? It's beautiful. Just to see a hundred

Jewish people cramming the sidewalks to watch the help go by.

I love Birdie

Parks. Yes, sir. To me, Nick, the Lawrence Wolfe, you're the funniest man

know.

And Art Linkletter, Mr. Millionaire, Art Linkletter, owns the world, the

immediate world. He doesn't go to Palm Springs, he sends for it.

Art Linkletter, when his Rolls Royce gets a flat, he shoots it.

I'm very happy that Art Linkletter and his wife came to my wedding. And they

didn't throw rice. They threw Chinese people.

I sound like Henry Youngman.

Let's see who's left.

That's about it, folks. Good night.

You ever see that idiotic show? It's embarrassing.

Normal people get dressed up like weirdos.

And they come down there hoping to win maybe $5 and a box of pitted olives.

And then he says, Zonko, and you're out.

I know a guy last week showed up as a meatloaf. Monty got so excited he ate

I had a couple of kids on last week. Five -year -olds dressed like a bride

groom. They were so cute.

Monty went up and said, hi there, what are your names? The little girl said,

we're Mr. and Mrs. Smith.

He said, aren't you cute? Would you like to be on my show? She said, we can't.

My husband just wet his pants.

graduated. Left Manitoba, Maniwaki, and Manischewitz, and he went on.

He went on to Toronto, where he joined the Royal Canadian Air Force. And he was

so thrilled when Queen Elizabeth visited Canada, stopped right in front of him.

She said, oh, what an attractive young man you are.

How long have you been in the Royal Canadian Air Force? He said, oh, for

many years, Your Majesty.

She said, and what did you do before you were in the Air Force? He said, I was a

photographer, Your Majesty.

She said, strange.

I have a brother -in -law who's a photographer.

He said, that's strange. I got a brother -in -law who's a queen.

And there is the king of the game shows, the host of Let's Make a Deal, our man

of the week, Mr. Monty Hall.

Well, thank you very much, I think.

I don't know why I did this. I could have done a bar mitzvah in Cairo.

Audrey Meadows said, if I put on a funny hat, can I be on the show? And I said,

you're ready as you are.

Now, I'm really honored, though, by the presence of a very good friend of mine,

Senator Birch Bayh.

It's always nice to see a politician show up without having to be subpoenaed.

And it's an honor to be on the same stage with Burt Parks.

You are my mother's favorite, too, Burt.

Burt Parks works twice a year. The Miss America contest and posing for underwear

ads in the Sears catalog.

Rocky Graziano.

That's a nice name, too. Rocky Graziano.

Sounds like smoking. No, it doesn't.

A great champion. Won more than 70 fights.

and half of them with policemen.

Boy, I'll always remember Rocky in action. Probably some of the most

dives I've ever seen.

And you remember Donald O 'Connor from those Francis the Mule pictures?

It's a reminder that in show business, even a jackass can become a star.

And the mule didn't do so badly either.

Donald O 'Connor, you're wonderful. You know, it can't be easy dancing in SUP

hose and orthopedic shoes.

But you're doing it, kid. You're still doing it.

And what a privilege to be attacked by the great Gene Kelly. So many people

so many nice things about him today.

Gene, you know, was a tap dancer in the days when white folks were allowed to do

that sort of thing.

Way back then.

But I really loved you and Frank Sinatra on that tribute to senility that you

recently did.

The two of them made a wonderful team. Sinatra with his blue eyes and you with

veins to match.

Actually, Gene and Frank were too old to dance on that special. They just stood

in one place and somebody moved the scenery up and down.

And seeing you here tonight, Mr.

Linkletter, I have great respect for my elders.

I couldn't help thinking of your old show, People Are Funny.

Too bad you're not one of them.

Jack Carter, as you heard, really, he turned the crowd on tonight. He's a

remarkable performer. He came up from nothing, and he brought it with him.

And of course, special thanks to Dean Martin.

He's here tonight, whether he knows it or not.

My own?

Not yet.

I'm really grateful to Dean. You know, I made my singing debut on his show about

a year and a half ago, and Dean really is amazing. He never shows up for

rehearsals, you know. Never rehearses a thing. He has to stand and do everything

for him, even on his recent honeymoon.

No? Oh, that's what I heard.

I didn't do good, but I was there.

As you can see, nothing upsets him. Nothing upsets him.

Although the energy crisis had him worried, he heard they might limit the

to two gallons a day, and he thought they were talking about booze.

But in closing, I just want to say that at first, I wasn't so sure that I wanted

this honor.

But my wife Marilyn said, Monty, if you can suffer the slings and arrows from

the great wits of show business and not get upset, it'll be a great step

forward. And tomorrow, I'm going to take a great step forward. I'm going to look

for a new wife.

But sincerely,

my deepest thanks to all of you people in show business and senators for coming

all the way from Washington.

This was a great thrill for me and a great honor. I'll be talking about it

months, even if it's just to a psychiatrist.

Well, that's our show for tonight. I want to thank my guests for joining us,

I especially want to thank our man of the week, Mr. Monty Hall.

Monty is really a legend in his own time.

They're already comparing him to Durwood Kirby.

Hey, I'm on my way home, Catherine. Warm up the hot chocolate.