All language subtitles for Dean Martin Monty Hall (1973)

The Dean Martin Celebrity Roast, coming
to you from the MGM Grand Hotel in the

entertainment capital of the world, Las
Vegas, Nevada.

Ladies and gentlemen, from the beautiful
Ziegfeld Room, tonight's star -studded

roast has brought together some of the
world's greatest entertainers.

They've come from all over the world to
be here tonight, here in Las Vegas, in

person.

the Week.

Your Roastmaster, Dean Barton.

And our very special man of the week,
Monty Hall.

Well, tonight we're honoring Monty Hall.

I'm not asking you to laugh or applaud
during this roast.

Just try to stay awake.

I gave up a lot to be here tonight.

I could have been home watching a TV
special entitled Jacques Gaston Paper

Trains a Whale.

A lot of you may be asking why we're
honoring Monty Hall.

Remember, I asked first.

I don't know too much about Monty, but I
do know he was born in Manitoba,

Canada, and he's about as exciting as
his hometown.

Manitoba is so square, you can't buy a
brassiere without a prescription.

But Monty was destined to host quiz
shows. Even back in Manitoba, he'd

go up to strange girls and say, let's
make a deal.

Tonight we're happy to have Bert Parks
with us.

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Bert Parks!

I have an announcement started on the 5
,000 watt station down in Atlanta,

Georgia.

I have learned that you can sell
anything on television.

So I'd like to do a commercial for our
man of the week.

Friends, have you ever tried the new
improved Monty Hall?

The TV host who has his whole family
raving about him?

Here's what one satisfied user has to
say.

I've been using Monty Hall for 25 years.

And every now and then, he satisfies me.

I'm Mrs. Monty Hall.

Cut.

Thank you. Now, Miss Audrey Meadows is a
real pro.

And here she is, the lovely and very
talented Miss Audrey Nibble.

You know, recently a national telephone
rating service did a breakdown of

Monty's Let's Make a Deal show, which
seems kind of unnecessary because the

seems pretty broken down already.

Nevertheless, these fascinating
statistics did emerge.

Forty -two percent of the men in Encino
were willing to swap their wives for

whatever's behind curtain number three.

Even if they're not in there.

Ninety -two percent didn't have any
opinion about Let's Make a Deal, but

that Nixon was the one who should be
wife.

Of the eight women called in Los
Angeles, seven answered the phone by

It's okay, Raul. He's not home. Come on
over.

The eighth woman said, I can't talk now.
Raul is here.

And finally, Mrs. Monty Hall of Beverly
Hills said, Listen, Raul, I can't talk

now.

When Rocky Graziano was in his prime, he
was probably one of the greatest

fighters of all time.

Of course, as he reached the end of his
career, he was seen on more floors than

Johnson's wax.

Ladies and gentlemen, still a champ in
the hearts of sports fans, Rocky

Graziano.

Thank you.

Thanks a lot. I came all the way here
from New York to see a mug, a Monty

Will you believe this? This is my
biggest mistake I ever made since I

Tony Zell.

I don't even know who the hell this guy
is.

They even gave this guy a star on
Hollywood Boulevard.

Even Dean didn't have a star on
Hollywood Boulevard. He didn't need one.

there himself.

At first they tried to put me, Marty's
footprints in cement at Newman's Chinese

Theater. But Marty's so dull, he made no
impression.

Marty, in closing, let me say, your show
has put more people to sleep than I did

with my right hook.

Well, I'm sure Mr. Gene Kelly will agree
with me when I say that Donald O

'Connor... was one of the greatest
dancers in show business. As a matter of

fact, when he made musicals for
Universal, his legs were insured for a

dollars. And that was only for theft.

Ladies and gentlemen, a great performer,
Mr. Donald O 'Connor.

You know, it's a great pleasure, ladies
and gentlemen, for me to be here

tonight. Of course, there are some
critics who disparage Let's Make a Deal.

They say the whole show is based on
greed, but they're wrong.

I'll tell you what greed is.

Greed is Waltons having another kid.

Greed is Peter Agnew trying to collect
unemployment insurance.

Greed is Frank Sinatra asking a lady of
the evening if she has any green stamps.

And so, Bonnie, don't listen to those
who criticize you. Let's make a deal.

It's a terrific show, and from the
bottom of my heart, there's only one

that I can wish you.

That when you go home to your wife
tonight, you find a strange man behind

curtain number two.

Monty, a lot of your friends couldn't be
here tonight.

They're so lucky.

And they sent... They sent some wires,
and I'm going to read a few of them

here.

The first one is from Miss Mary Tracy.
It says, Dear Monty, I've been standing

in line at your show for 18 months.

I'm dressed as an ear of corn.

I have fallen in love with the man ahead
of me who is dressed as a lima bean.

Please let us on the show fast because
we're expecting a little succotash.

Oh, and here's one from Attorney General
John Mitchell. Dear Monty, would love

to come on your show and win an oven so
I can stick my head in it.

Ladies and gentlemen, a real pro in
every sense of the word, Mr.

Gene Kelley.

Donnie how?

I especially love the way people in
Ottawa dress up with those big iron feet

long green tails and purple wings. And,
of course, Dean is fortunate. He sees

those without even turning on the TV.

Donnie and his wife have three beautiful
children. That's true. They used to

have a fourth, but Donnie treasures it
away for a year's supply of dog food and

a microphone.

There's another even more important
reason why the Dean Martin comedy hour

honoring Monty Hall tonight We couldn't
get Peter Marshall

I remember the first time I ever met
Monty Hall. I don't know whether you

remember this or not, but I'd just been
elected to the United States Senate, and

there I was right off the farm from
Shirkyville, Indiana. You think

bad, huh?

There I was, and I found myself for the
first time in one of these large Beverly

Hill receptions.

Standing there, nobody looked at me,
nobody knew me, and I saw this fellow

looked rather familiar, and I walked up
to him, stuck out my hand, and said,

Hello, I'm Bert Spai.

He said, my name's Hall.

I'm sure you've heard of me.

I thought for a moment, I said, yes,
sir, Mr. Hall, all of us in Indiana have

heard of you.

In fact, I want to personally
congratulate you for all the money

selling men's suits.

It's a great privilege to be a great
friend and a warm human being in Great

America.

Thank you, Senator. It's nice to have
Art Linkletter with us.

He's contributed much to television.

Lately, he's been taking it easy. Art's
idea of an exciting evening is testing

the brakes on a Toyota.

A fine entertainer, a wonderful
gentleman, Mr.

Art Linkletter.

As everyone knows, those of us in
television live and die with the Nielsen

ratings. Those are the ratings that tell
us how many people we have watching.

But there's another very important
rating.

ABC recently did a demographic rating on
Monty Hall's program to show you the

kind of people, what makes it popular.

Computing the results, they discovered
that Let's Make a Deal appeals to almost

every kind of person you can think of.
For instance, insomniacs like it. It

them to sleep even in the afternoon.

People with cardiac conditions love it
because their doctors advise them no

excitement under any condition.

The Roto -Rooter Man.

Oh, they like it. They like seeing
somebody else go down the drain for a

And the Gay Liberation Group. They like
it because it proves there's no fun in

being straight.

Monty's wife likes it because for 30
minutes every day...

she knows where he is.

As a matter of fact, there's only one
group, just one dissenting group.

Sorry, the manufacturers of bandini
fertilizer because they

feel it's strictly unfair competition.

It's nice to have Jack Carter with us.

I'm not saying his jokes are old, but
instead of cue cards, they're printed on

Medicare cards.

He is a real funny guy and a real good
friend, Mr. Jack Carter.

Well, Dean, this has been a hot night,
right?

It's been a great evening, and if you
believe that, Nixon's getting a third

term.

Oh, it's kind of a nuclear evening. I
never followed so many bombs in my life.

Hey, Gene Kelly and Donald, you got
great delivery in your feet.

People talk about the energy crisis.
Here's the man who's causing it all.

He's always gassed, he's usually oiled,
and he's lit up all the time.

week, Dean wanted a giant in this
particular field.

But Bob Hope turned it down.

And Buddy Hackett can stick it.

So we're stuck with Monty Hall.

Here he is, the darling of the menopause
set.

He never forgets that idiotic show. It's
on his mind all the time. I was in a

men's room with him earlier. He stood
there for hours. He couldn't decide

whether to go behind door one, door two,
or door three.

But then he made up his mind. It was too
late.

What a day. What a group of powerhouses.

Senator Birch Bay.

Is it Bay or Bay?

Bay.

You buy Bay and I'll Bay buy.

He's a powerhouse. He's afraid of no
one. A couple of years ago, Senator

said to Nixon, we've got to take crime
off the streets. And Nixon did it. He

it in the White House.

Oh, golly, what a man. What a star. The
all -time great.

Dance with Donald O 'Connor. He danced
with Fred Astaire. And last week, he

danced with Frank Sinatra. Gene, people
are beginning to talk.

a little funny. I've noticed that.

What a guy. He's true Irish. Gene Kelly
all the way. Never misses the St.

Patrick's Day Parade in New York. Every
day, every year he's there. You ever see

that St. Patrick's Day Parade? It's
beautiful. Just to see a hundred

Jewish people cramming the sidewalks to
watch the help go by.

I love Birdie

Parks. Yes, sir. To me, Nick, the
Lawrence Wolfe, you're the funniest man

know.

And Art Linkletter, Mr. Millionaire, Art
Linkletter, owns the world, the

immediate world. He doesn't go to Palm
Springs, he sends for it.

Art Linkletter, when his Rolls Royce
gets a flat, he shoots it.

I'm very happy that Art Linkletter and
his wife came to my wedding. And they

didn't throw rice. They threw Chinese
people.

I sound like Henry Youngman.

Let's see who's left.

That's about it, folks. Good night.

You ever see that idiotic show? It's
embarrassing.

Normal people get dressed up like
weirdos.

And they come down there hoping to win
maybe $5 and a box of pitted olives.

And then he says, Zonko, and you're out.

I know a guy last week showed up as a
meatloaf. Monty got so excited he ate

I had a couple of kids on last week.
Five -year -olds dressed like a bride

groom. They were so cute.

Monty went up and said, hi there, what
are your names? The little girl said,

we're Mr. and Mrs. Smith.

He said, aren't you cute? Would you like
to be on my show? She said, we can't.

My husband just wet his pants.

graduated. Left Manitoba, Maniwaki, and
Manischewitz, and he went on.

He went on to Toronto, where he joined
the Royal Canadian Air Force. And he was

so thrilled when Queen Elizabeth visited
Canada, stopped right in front of him.

She said, oh, what an attractive young
man you are.

How long have you been in the Royal
Canadian Air Force? He said, oh, for

many years, Your Majesty.

She said, and what did you do before you
were in the Air Force? He said, I was a

photographer, Your Majesty.

She said, strange.

I have a brother -in -law who's a
photographer.

He said, that's strange. I got a brother
-in -law who's a queen.

And there is the king of the game shows,
the host of Let's Make a Deal, our man

of the week, Mr. Monty Hall.

Well, thank you very much, I think.

I don't know why I did this. I could
have done a bar mitzvah in Cairo.

Audrey Meadows said, if I put on a funny
hat, can I be on the show? And I said,

you're ready as you are.

Now, I'm really honored, though, by the
presence of a very good friend of mine,

Senator Birch Bayh.

It's always nice to see a politician
show up without having to be subpoenaed.

And it's an honor to be on the same
stage with Burt Parks.

You are my mother's favorite, too, Burt.

Burt Parks works twice a year. The Miss
America contest and posing for underwear

ads in the Sears catalog.

Rocky Graziano.

That's a nice name, too. Rocky Graziano.

Sounds like smoking. No, it doesn't.

A great champion. Won more than 70
fights.

and half of them with policemen.

Boy, I'll always remember Rocky in
action. Probably some of the most

dives I've ever seen.

And you remember Donald O 'Connor from
those Francis the Mule pictures?

It's a reminder that in show business,
even a jackass can become a star.

And the mule didn't do so badly either.

Donald O 'Connor, you're wonderful. You
know, it can't be easy dancing in SUP

hose and orthopedic shoes.

But you're doing it, kid. You're still
doing it.

And what a privilege to be attacked by
the great Gene Kelly. So many people

so many nice things about him today.

Gene, you know, was a tap dancer in the
days when white folks were allowed to do

that sort of thing.

Way back then.

But I really loved you and Frank Sinatra
on that tribute to senility that you

recently did.

The two of them made a wonderful team.
Sinatra with his blue eyes and you with

veins to match.

Actually, Gene and Frank were too old to
dance on that special. They just stood

in one place and somebody moved the
scenery up and down.

And seeing you here tonight, Mr.

Linkletter, I have great respect for my
elders.

I couldn't help thinking of your old
show, People Are Funny.

Too bad you're not one of them.

Jack Carter, as you heard, really, he
turned the crowd on tonight. He's a

remarkable performer. He came up from
nothing, and he brought it with him.

And of course, special thanks to Dean
Martin.

He's here tonight, whether he knows it
or not.

My own?

Not yet.

I'm really grateful to Dean. You know, I
made my singing debut on his show about

a year and a half ago, and Dean really
is amazing. He never shows up for

rehearsals, you know. Never rehearses a
thing. He has to stand and do everything

for him, even on his recent honeymoon.

No? Oh, that's what I heard.

I didn't do good, but I was there.

As you can see, nothing upsets him.
Nothing upsets him.

Although the energy crisis had him
worried, he heard they might limit the

to two gallons a day, and he thought
they were talking about booze.

But in closing, I just want to say that
at first, I wasn't so sure that I wanted

this honor.

But my wife Marilyn said, Monty, if you
can suffer the slings and arrows from

the great wits of show business and not
get upset, it'll be a great step

forward. And tomorrow, I'm going to take
a great step forward. I'm going to look

for a new wife.

But sincerely,

my deepest thanks to all of you people
in show business and senators for coming

all the way from Washington.

This was a great thrill for me and a
great honor. I'll be talking about it

months, even if it's just to a
psychiatrist.

Well, that's our show for tonight. I
want to thank my guests for joining us,

I especially want to thank our man of
the week, Mr. Monty Hall.

Monty is really a legend in his own
time.

They're already comparing him to Durwood
Kirby.

Hey, I'm on my way home, Catherine. Warm
up the hot chocolate.