Original subtitles

The Dean Martin Celebrity Roast, coming to you from the MGM Grand Hotel in the

entertainment capital of the world, Las Vegas, Nevada.

Ladies and gentlemen, from the beautiful Ziegfeld Room, tonight's star -studded

roast has brought together some of the world's greatest entertainers. They've

come from all over the world to be here tonight.

here in Las Vegas, in person, joining Dean Martin as he honors tonight's very

special man of the year, Michael Landon.

With tonight's guests, Merlin Olsen, Brian Keith,

Don Rickles, Melissa Gilbert, Rip Riddle, Dick

Butkus, Lauren Green,

Bubba Smith, Maureen Murphy, Vic Payback, Pat Harrington

Jr., Dick Strong, Orson Welles, Norm Cosby,

Flappy White, and your Ghost Master, Dean Martin.

With tonight's Man of the Year, Michael Landon.

Tonight, we're all gathered at the beautiful MGM Hotel in Las Vegas to

of the most distinguished, respected, and talented men of our profession, Mr.

Michael Landon.

I don't know about you, but I was almost late getting here.

Do you know how tough it is trying to find a parking spot in the lobby?

I'm going to try to move this thing right along.

A little while ago, I had a margarita sent up to my room, and she won't wait

night.

My guest of honor is me.

a credit to television.

His shows are wholesome family entertainment.

There's no nudity or sex on his shows.

Now, sex on television is not the same as sex in real life. In real life, you

don't have to stop for a commercial.

All of Mike's shows reflect his upbringing.

He was a good little kid.

square side, but he was a good little kid.

Like on Halloween, other kids would go trick -or -treating dressed like

Frankenstein. Michael used to get dressed as an insurance salesman.

Mr. Rich Little.

Michael,

You've done a lot of series over the years.

But the one that I remember the best, Bonanza, right?

Right.

I used to watch it as a kid, you know, every single episode.

Do you know that I'm an authority on Bonanza?

For instance, I'll bet you didn't know that Michael Landon, Dan Blocker,

Roberts and Lorne Green were not the first choices for Bonanza.

They had other people in mind before them and couldn't get them.

For instance, do you know who they originally wanted to play the part of

Cartwright?

Ronald Reagan.

Ronnie Cartwright.

Could you picture Ronald Reagan as Ben Cartwright?

Well, boys, there's been some complaint about how I'm

running the Ponderosa.

Little Joe says that I'm spending too much.

Hoss says that I'm having trouble balancing the budget.

And Adam says that our deficit is too high.

Well, I don't agree with them.

I'm doing a good job running the Ponderosa.

Now, let me explain how my program works.

Now, the part of Adam Cartwright went to

Pernell Rodgers, right? You know who they originally wanted?

Don Rickles.

Did you know that Don did the first three episodes of Bonanza before he

Don Rickles as Adam Cartwright.

Come

on.

I want off this cockamamie show.

The part of little Joe.

They originally wanted Jack Nicholson.

Pa.

I gotta tell you, man. I gotta tell you.

The problem is, Pa, that I'm carrying this show.

You and those other two bozos aren't doing a damn thing, you know what I

All you do every week is come on at the beginning, tell me there's a problem

over in Carson City.

I ride over there, solve the problem, then 50 minutes later, ride back, you

how did it go? I say, fine, you grab your 40 thou and the show is over.

Well, if you're looking for some kind of laughs, I'll tell you about some

laughs.

Have you ever seen Cary Grant sneeze?

For a lot of years

on that hit series, One Day at a Time, we've been laughing out loud at the

genius of Pat Harrington Jr.

In his role as Schneider, the super of his building, he unclogged so many

drains, when the show ended, they gave him a golden plunger.

Mr. Pat Harrington, Jr.

question before us tonight is very simple why are we roasting this man I

his show is a hit the ratings are up the networks love him and now he works for

God any network executive who tries to cancel his show is going to find out

roasting is really all about Michael

here just got

steady work as an angel I just lost steady work as a janitor

He went right up to heaven.

I went right down the drain.

A lot of people say Michael is a lucky guy, but if you've been wowing them for

25 years and the audience keeps asking for more, then you can forget about

That's talent.

That's charm.

That's Michael Landon.

Here's the beef.

Ladies and gentlemen, Dick Butkus.

And Bubba Smith.

Thank you, Dean.

The size of these guys, you know.

He's 6 '12", I think.

By the way, I saw that beer commercial you two did. Do you guys really enjoy

opera? We sure do.

My favorite is Rigoletto.

That's mine, especially with little spaghetti and meatballs on the side. I

it. Yeah, and I like the Barber of Seville.

So do I, but I ain't going to go all the way to Spain just for a haircut.

I'd rather quit while I'm behind.

Dick,

would you like to initiate or commence our portion of the show?

No, but I'll begin if you like.

Probably a lot of you are wondering why 2X football players who've never met our

guest of honor are here.

Why are we here?

I guess they wanted someone on the desk with a little class and culture. Yeah, I

guess so.

You got it.

They think us football players are, you know, animals who don't know about

intellectual things like the fact that it took Michelangelo two years to paint

the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel.

Could have done it in two weeks if he had used a roller. Well.

Let's get to our tribute, Bubba. Why don't you say some nice things about

Michael?

Michael, our people in the ghetto.

Just love you because you are the king of rock and roll.

Excuse me.

You have that number one album, Thriller.

And everyone just loved it when you put on that one glove with the sequin.

No, no, no.

No, no, no.

No, but you're thinking Michael Jackson. This is Michael Landon.

I thought he looked a little pale.

Hey, man, you laugh at us one more time and you're going to be drinking

AstroTurf.

We're here tonight to honor Michael because as athletes ourselves, we

that he was a big track star in high school. That's right. I bet a lot of you

people didn't know this, but in 1954, Michael threw the javelin 211 feet and

turned into a national champ.

And in that same year, by mistake, he threw the javelin at the coach and

him into a soprano.

But the real reason we're here to admire Michael is because his living on the

Ponderosa and in that little house on the prairie all those years has helped

perpetuate the pioneer spirit of our forefathers.

Don't forget our foremothers.

Of course not. Without our four mothers and our four fathers, we wouldn't have

four children.

Hey, come on. Hey, man, you're really deep.

Anyway, man, we keep on acting and producing and making good films like

in the Stone.

That's Michael Douglas. Like I told you before, this is Michael Landon.

They all look alike to me.

Ladies and gentlemen, my most unique talent, Mr.

Dick Shawn.

Thank you, Mr. Martin.

Michael.

I've never stood this close to an angel before.

I've stood next to the devil.

But it's a strange feeling to be in the middle here, honoring a guy who

represents so much to us all.

In show business, in life, people who raise families.

And that's why it's difficult tonight to roast this man, because he's a good

person. In fact, everything said tonight, so far, can be said again at

funeral.

You cannot roast a man like this. You roast people like Don Rickles because

mean.

Because we're built like a pig.

Whereas Gene Martin is a true legend and attractive.

And not only a legend to us and the world.

A legend of the medical profession.

There's the one thing I've known Michael Lander twice.

I met him an hour ago and now.

So I understand the man.

I really don't know his personal life. I'm not interested in his personal life.

His life and your visions of his life came over in the tube. We remember him

a child, growing up, becoming a man, accepting responsibility in this world.

I have no idea what I'm talking about right now.

He became an actor.

He became an actor and became this wonderful, humble kid that we followed

through. He had a wonderful life. He grew up the right way. He found basic

values. His brothers, a father, taught him the American way of life for 14

years. And then the father left, disgraced the family,

started selling food to dogs.

Little Joe couldn't go back to school.

You're so embarrassed my father sells dog food.

Then they realized they weren't stealing the horses. He was rounding them up for

the dog.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, like everyone else here, we're trying to give

as much love as we can to this man and to this man.

What an incredible human being it would be if the two of these guys were

combined into one person.

If both of them, they'd be split up in two.

What are they going to do?

One of them cheats, the other is true.

One of them drinks, the other true blue.

One of them says, go to bed early. The other one says, with who?

Ladies and gentlemen, here's the best there is at what he does, Merlin Holt.

Thank you very much.

Thank you. It's always a real pleasure for me to see you.

And Michael, an honor to be here. And not only do I have the greatest respect

for your talent, but you've been such a help to me in my career.

I'm just I'm proud to have you for a friend.

So when Dean called, of course I said, yes, I'd be glad to be here. And now,

unlike some of the other members of the dais, I didn't have a lot of time to

prepare. You see, Dean only called me a couple of hours ago, but he had a very

good reason for doing that. You see, Bob Hope couldn't make it.

It's true. It's true. So on very short notice, here I am. And there is one

problem. You see.

They gave me Bob Hope's speech, and I'm afraid that's going to be a real

challenge. But, well, here goes.

This is Merlin. It's great to be here at the MGM Grand Olsen.

How about this kid, Michael Landon? He's beautiful, isn't he? But a little bit

square, you know. When he's listening to his Lawrence Welk records, he's almost

shouting, one more time.

Not all this sex on television.

You know, the other night I tuned in Night Court, and here was this judge

wearing a see -through robe.

And this violence on TV is really something, isn't it?

Last night I saw three cars explode, five muggings, and three shootouts. And

that was just on Sermonette.

Baseball's getting more violent, too. And how about those New York Yankees?

about them, Dean?

The other day I saw a guy get picked off first base by a sniper.

Hey, Michael.

It's great to be here with you, and this is a night I'll never forget.

Good night, Dean, and good night, Merlin.

has been a father figure to Mike Landon on and off the screen for many, many

years. I've known Lauren for a long time. I don't know how old he is, but

he was born, the heavyweight champion of the world was white.

Ladies and gentlemen, Lauren Green.

Dean, I can't tell you how pleased I am to be here.

Well, tell me anyhow.

I'm very pleased to be here.

And I must tell you that the people of the MGM Grand really have gone out of

their way to make things very comfortable for me.

They gave me a beautiful suite.

And not only that, they allowed me to keep my dog in the suite.

Yeah, I saw you up here at the bar last night.

It's always nice to see my, I don't know what to call him, my pal, my friend, my

co -worker.

Ever since we were together on Bonanza, he's been like a real son to me.

And if he minds his manners and behaves himself tonight, I'm going to let him

stay up and watch the Johnny Carson show.

On Bonanza, he always wanted to clean up the town.

On the little shack, little house in the prairie.

He spent every waking moment trying to clean up the town.

Big deal.

I'd like to see him go over to a show like Dynasty and clean that up.

You know, when little Joe was born in the Ponderosa, I remember we thought of

him as having been sent down from heaven.

Like a baby angel from above.

And now he believes it.

However, I still question your ability to work miracles.

If you want to make me believe, really believe in your powers, you come over to

my house next Sunday. I have 20 ,000 cans of Alpo in the deep freezer.

And your task is to turn them all into caviar.

Ladies and gentlemen, my pal, Mr. Norm Crosby.

Thank you very much.

You know, despite the jocularity and the misconscrued laudables that you're

going to hear about our guest of honor, Michael Landon has always portrayed a

hero.

A man who was virile and masculine and circumventive.

The type of rugged pioneer hero that we all need to look up to for insulation

and crotchiality.

And how ironic that we should have this roast here in Las Vegas, which is

probably the most concrete example of man's pioneering spirit in America

Look where we are.

Take a moment, walk out on the sidewalk, and look bisexually around this time.

The party nears who came here. Men like Michael Landon and Dick Butkus and Bubba

Smith.

We need heroes.

Scandals and things that are going on.

Doesn't it make you feel better to know that we have a man in the White House

who is physically incapable of a sexual scandal?

around think of the western hero colonel william b cody who devoted his entire

life to hunting for buffalo because he was a moron to go to albany on the new

york freeway buffalo you can't miss it we

need to think people don't think no more we're becoming robots i mean that we

really need heroes to make us think we're numbers

You've got zip codes and area codes and social security numbers. You've got a

pocket full of plastic credit cards with numbers, right?

I guarantee you, in a couple of years, there will be no names. Nobody will have

names. Everybody will have a number.

Then when you go in the bakery, you have to take a name.

Think about the Michael Landons. Look at Michael Landon and think about the

little houses on the prairies.

And walk out there on the desert and look up at the sky and think.

Think. Where do the clouds go when they drift away? Think about that.

Why is grass green?

Why do nudists always play volleyball?

Think about that.

Think.

What if Khrushchev had been assassinated instead of President Kennedy?

Do you think that Aristotle and Assis would have married Mrs.

Khrushchev?

Realize, friends, when you go to court in front of a jury, that you are putting

your fate in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury

duty.

Thank you, Michael.

Here's the lovely young lady who was Michael's radiant young co -star all

years on Little House on the Prairie.

Pretty Miss Melissa Gilbert.

To you

young people watching.

For a long time, it's been clear to Michael that a crusade against the

dragon of drug abuse is one of the highest priorities in our country.

He personally felt the pain of witnessing one of his own children in a

struggle against chemical dependency.

It was then that he threw himself wholeheartedly into a real -life role,

one as an all -out activist against this pervasive evil.

That battle reaches all the way up to the White House and our First Lady,

Reagan. I have seen Michael work with teenagers constantly.

He warns them of the hazards of drugs.

Sometimes they don't listen.

But he keeps trying.

God knows he tries.

And he feels that as long as his vision is alive in one teenager's heart, he

hasn't failed.

I love you.

Please welcome our very talented performer, Mr. Vic Haylock.

I'm glad that I was invited.

You know, doing Alice all these years, it's just nice to get out of the

No, I mean, you visit with a lot of old friends, like Dick Butkus and Bubba

Smith. Last night, we were in a hotel lobby together, and everybody asked for

their autograph.

Me?

They asked for recipes.

I've got to say hello to a real dear old friend of mine, Lorne Green.

Lorne's whole life has gone to the dogs.

He even puts newspapers under his hush puppies.

Oh, by the way, Don, when you were on foul -ups, bleeps, and blunders,

I never missed one of your shows.

God knows I tried.

Mike, all the luck in the world on Highway to Heaven.

And if you happen to drop by Mel's Diner, there will be a piece of angel

cake waiting for you.

A half price.

Let's meet that little wonder from down under, Miss Maureen Murphy.

I think that you should be the next actor to run for president.

Because we need an angel in the White House.

Even President Reagan takes his orders from a higher power, Nancy.

She has such confidence in her husband that when he won the second election,

was so filled with emotion, she almost blinked.

That, you know, I want to be like you.

I really do. I would like to be like you.

And women can be like men now if they want to. They can. And vice versa.

I went out with a man and he acted very feminine. You know, he dimmed the lights

and poured the wine. I acted real masculine.

I took off all my clothes except my socks and lay on the bed and started

snoring.

But in my life, the perfect man has a nice face.

A good body, and he's a doll.

And can be deflated and put in a drawer when you're finished with him.

And I thought, because I never met anyone like you, and I thought if I

an Australian, it might make me old before my time. Women worry about that.

mean, I asked Mrs. Don Rickles once, when she first started to notice old

She said she woke up one morning and saw it lying beside her.

A real angel with women. A real gentleman.

And I didn't have any luck like that. Because in Australia, you see, a bloke

will take you out to dinner.

And if you don't fool around, he won't ask you out again.

I mean, it's different in America.

Here, you don't get dinner.

And you know what's really exciting for me is to be here and meet Bubba Smith

and Dick. butt kiss.

I'm very attracted to football players, you know.

Because I went out with one once and he could do push -ups with one hand because

he needed the other hand to count.

And one more thing, if you don't mind me saying so, because I saw you on the

Tonight Show with Johnny Carson.

And you said that the reason that you let your hair grow long and everything

like that is because you want to cover your ears up. Because you're ashamed of

them. Because they're real big.

And you shouldn't be ashamed of your ears. You should let them stick right

Because a woman loves a man with big ears.

It gives her something to hang on to.

awesome world thank you once

upon a time when concepts such as

microchips satellite dishes and digital readouts

were still dancing in the heads of our scientific thinkers there was a

relatively simple form of home entertainment

Radio.

This, of course, was in the pre -television, paleolithic period that the

archaeologists refer to as B .C., before Carson.

And when radio was the reigning monarch in our living rooms, one of its happiest

gifts to us was the sparkling humor of the great Fred Allen show. And I

when old Titus Moody...

That Cracker Barrel Socrates, who was one of Fred's more curiously eloquent

inventions, defined television thusly.

Well, he said, I don't hold much with furniture

that lights up and smiles at you.

Well, that smiling, leering.

yelling piece of furniture has been dominating our lives ever since. It's

brought us boredom, banality, and worse, violence.

But this still very young man has throughout his career made a valiant

reverse that tide. And he's doing it again at a time when the most cherished

staples of TV entertainment are crime and car crashes.

Here's a courageous fellow daring to go against the grain by portraying an angel

who performs acts of kindness and charity.

Kindness and charity?

What a wild notion.

Are we really ready for anything that radical, that revolutionary?

And we're prepared to give up our beloved karate kicks to the groin,

helicopters, and the mating sound of two pickup trucks colliding?

Let's devoutly hope that we are, and that there's still a place on the tube

Michael's kind of programming with its emphasis on real human values.

In a world where all things frightful are beamed straight into our homes the

instant they happen, we need Michael's weekly injection of goodness and decency

as desperately as the diabetic needs his insulin.

Ladies and gentlemen, my pal, Slappy White.

Every time Dean had a roast show, he always called me to come up to be on the

show because I'm the only one up here who know where to find barbecue ribs at

o 'clock in the morning.

And what about this hotel, Hans? Grand Hotel, MGM Grand.

The towels are so big and fluffy, you can hardly close your suitcase.

I would just stand in the men's room and make $8 worth of change.

Landon said to me, he said, Slappy, the town has about 100 ,000 people here this

week, and we're a little short on rooms. You have to room with Bubba Smith.

So Dick said, Slappy, I used to room with Bubba.

He'll keep you awake all night with his snoring.

I said, I don't care how loud Bubba Smith snores, he's not going to keep me

awake. So I come out the shower, Bubba laying over in the bed, and I walked

and kissed him right in the mouth.

He stood up all night watching me sleep.

People from L .A., if you're going to drive back to Los Angeles tomorrow, the

best time to get in L .A. is 9 o 'clock in the morning.

By that time in the morning, the Jews are in Palm Springs, the Catholics are

church, the blacks are in jail, and the Mexicans can't get their car started.

blackjack last night, a big black guy was dealing the cards like this. Now it

was three black guys here, I was here, two black guys here, and Michael landed

on the end. Michael gets blackjacked and was scared to say it.

He don't say, what you got? He say, gin.

remember him from his hit series, Family Affair, and now he's starring as that

crusty old judge in his new show, Hardcastle and McCormick, ladies and

gentlemen, Mr. Brian King.

Ah, thank you, Dean. I can't tell you what a pleasure and an honor it is.

To have been asked here tonight to pay tribute to a man I admire so greatly.

Mike, I love your new show.

Highway to Heaven. And I think we'll all agree that

Mike is a very classy guy. But you know, with Lorne Green, who first exposed him

to the finer things in life, Lorne taught him the proper wine to go with

alcohol.

You people might not know this, but when Mike filmed the shows out on the

prairie, there were no modern conveniences. There was no hot water, no

electricity.

But he managed. When he wanted to blow dry his hair, he'd take his head out the

window and wait for a tornado.

Michael always managed to bring along a carload of hairspray.

And if you watch the reruns, you'll notice that his hair is always hard as a

rock.

One of the episodes, he was captured by Indians and they had to scalp him with

power tools.

I also hope that someday you'll ask me to do a guest appearance on Highway to

Heaven. I mean, I'm expensive, but I'm beautiful.

I'd like that very much. But first, to be perfectly frank, I'd like to get a

guest shot on Dynasty.

It's not that I don't like sharing a bit of heaven with you, but I would rather

raise a little hell with Joan Collins.

You

know, a lot of

people say that Don Rickles is vicious, rotten, and evil.

But to those of us who love him, It's just the other way around. He's evil,

rotten, and vicious.

Mr. Don Rickles.

We're going to tell you all about this tomorrow.

And Vic Tabak, you shouldn't have come.

You made a fool of yourself. I'm a friend.

And Bubba, with a few almonds on your face, we got candy.

I'm only kidding you, Bubba. The black people belong in this country.

When the show is over, clean up these tables.

Is he laughing? See if you see teeth coming towards me.

At Melissa, I happen to know you're 41.

You're a marvelous young actress. I wish you luck. I know what Michael paid you.

Her and her mother are living in two rooms in the valley going...

Failure. Anyway.

And of course, Brian Keith, you're a great actor we've never met before. Now

that I see you up close, you're old.

Pat Harrington, if that broad dies on the show, your career could skyrocket.

You are a wonderful Irishman. Your people live on beer and parades.

And of course, Maureen, there's not much I can say about you. Are you single?

Yes, well, I'm happily married, but my wife is ill.

Of course, Lorne, God bless you and your wonderful career. There's so much

happening for you.

Of course, Rich Little, once you find out who you are, your career can go

many places.

You never could do a Clark Gable like me. I want to tell you, baby, we're in a

lot of trouble. The men are tired.

Dive, dive, dive.

I was trying to make a living out of doing other people.

And of course, the great Dean Martin, you and I know it's over for you, but

seriously though, Michael, I've seen you on the shows with Wagons West, Wagons

West.

You're a marvelous actor.

You've told me that many, many times when we met.

You're a laid -back guy. You have a wonderful family.

And I love the way you make love. He's great. I go over his house, he takes a

wet whip and goes, Just like it's a wagon train going west.

You've got to make love like the Jews. Surely you thought I'm going to get a

paper.

Thank you, Michael, really, with all the nonsense. You're a tremendous artist.

I've never had the pleasure to work for you. I'm not making plans along those

lines.

My career is going fine and you're not going to slow it up.

Good luck to you.

You know,

it's not the worst passing in the world to have Michael Landon playing the part

of your friendly neighborhood angel.

In fact.

It's perfect casting because that's the way he is in real life.

Michael has always reached out to people in need. His commitment to the anti

-drug campaign, his efforts for all kinds of humanitarian charities,

that caring quality seems to be reflected in all the parts Michael's

associated with.

There's been some talk that America's taste is changing.

It's swinging back toward the traditional.

Well, if it is, Michael doesn't have to change one bit.

He's been there for 25 years.

Michael, I guess if I had to boil it down to one sentence, it would be

this. America cares for you as much as you care for her.

Ladies and gentlemen, Michael Landon.

Indeed, I want to thank you very, very much for the heartfelt words.

It's also a pleasure to be with a guy who I have admired for many, many years

from the beginning of my career. A guy who was very good to me in the beginning

when I would do some songs and dances on his show.

Dean has made all of us laugh for God knows how many years in this business.

And he's a joy and a wonderful guy to be with.

Brian Keith, a buddy of mine.

A terrific guy.

Brian, the things you said about me I know were for laughs.

And I just wish he would have gotten one.

sometime. Lauren, I'm not going to make any jokes about Lauren.

You could see tonight that there just isn't anything funny.

Lauren and I have known each other for an awful lot of years, and on all the

years that Bonanza was on, he did treat me like a son, and the show is off now,

Lauren, and I would appreciate it if you would stop taking me off your income

tax as a deduction.

I'd also like to thank one of the real giants in this business for a very nice

tribute that he paid to me.

Mr. Orson Welles, a man I've idolized for years. Orson, I want to thank you

much.

Well, I hope you had a lot of fun tonight.

We've had a lot of zingers, not just at me, but everybody else here on the dais.

It's been fun for me. I think it's kind of good that we can look at ourselves

and laugh a little bit, not take ourselves too seriously.

Do that with everybody you know. Have some fun with people.

Enjoy your fellow man.

Do something nice for him. God bless you.