Original subtitles

The Dean Martin Celebrity Roast, coming to you from the MGM Grand Hotel in the

entertainment capital of the world, Las Vegas, Nevada.

The glittering city of excitement and laughter provides the scintillating

backdrop for tonight's star -studded roast.

Ladies and gentlemen, from the Celebrity Room of the Grand Hotel, Dean Martin

honors our man of the hour, Michael Landon, with tonight's guests, Don

Lorne Green,

Phyllis Diller, Amanda Blake, Sid Caesar, Ernie

Borgnine, Joey Bishop, Dan Murray, Cliff Robertson,

Ewell Gibbons, Norm Crosby, and your Roastmaster, Dean

Martin. And tonight, very special man of the hour, Michael Landon.

It's been said that Michael Landon is the greatest talent in television today.

And tonight, we're honoring the man who said it.

Michael was born in the East. He comes from a pioneer strain.

His great -great -grandmother came out west in a covered wagon and had 27

children. And believe me, that's quite a strain on any pioneer.

I'll never forget the first time I met Michael Landon. It was about 10 minutes

ago backstage.

Was a superb athlete. He was never anything with the broads. He was shy.

His idea of getting a girl in trouble was bringing her home after 9 .30.

Michael's taken a lot of kidding about living on the Ponderosa with three other

men.

But I've never been suspicious.

I happen to know he's a two -fisted drinker, a carton of milk in each hand.

While Michael was one of the cartwrights, he was so busy mending

the fields, and branding cattle, there was no time for romance in his life

except in one episode.

with a horse that shaved its legs.

You know, we all owe a lot to Mike. He's done so much for the West.

He put Tucson on the map, El Paso, San Antonio, Santa Fe.

But I'm laying eight to five. He can't do anything for Pasadena.

Even when his father...

Give him a new sports car for graduation, it didn't help. I'll tell

Michael's the only guy that ever took a girl for a ride in a Triumph and came

back a failure.

Here's the woman of whom Picasso once said, somebody throw a drop cloth over

that.

and she's beautiful, Miss Phyllis Diller.

Thank you, Dean.

You'd better behave. Oh, I get to sit down.

And you'd better behave yourself.

I will, honey. Or I'll come up to your room later without my makeup.

We've never met.

But I think I'm carrying your child.

This may come as a shock to you, Peach Fuzz.

But our affair started on Bonanza. I was going out with Paul Cartwright at the

time.

But baby, compared to you, Lauren was green.

I'd get uptight trying to make it with a guy who's prettier than I am.

You're just pure gorgeousness.

He gets up in the morning and his mirror says, thank you.

His Levi's can't wait to get their denim on him.

I think that's dirty.

I realize you're a happily married man, but I want your body to replace mine.

Mike, I hope you don't mind me playing hard to get like this.

But let me tell you the real reason I'm here.

Mike, I want to play the wife in your theory.

Get rid of the other broad.

Well, I'm here tonight because, well, Michael is a close, personal friend of

mine.

He's a pal.

He's a buddy.

And he's a punk.

I've been watching Little House on the Prairie, as everybody else has, too.

How wholesome shows like his are making bad guys an endangered species.

You know, I stood in the unemployment line yesterday with Howard Cosell, Don

Rickles, and Martin Borman.

And Borman's the only one with a series next year.

If you're doing a western, you need heavies. Guys like me, buddy.

Because in a wild bunch, I remember I burnt down half the town, killed 237

And as I run out of town, I suck my tongue out of the kid.

I'm warning you, you'll be out of town by the 11 o 'clock news, buddy.

Because I'm going to come to the little house on the prairie.

Stampede your cattle, burn down your house, and steal your hair blower. Yes.

Mr.

Joey Bishop.

I'll tell you what a throw it is, sitting next to Cliff Robinson and Yul

explaining the jokes to them.

I

want

to sit down quickly before he eats my chair.

for me to be here honoring Michael London.

I only watched your show once.

Not this one. The one with the two brothers and the ranch and all that. It

on for 14 years.

One time I watched it. In the show they kept calling you Little Joe, Little Joe.

I thought they were saying Little Jew, so I turned it off.

I want to apologize to you for the 14 years.

I didn't watch the show when you were doing Banana.

Bananza. Bananza.

Okay, Bananza. What's the difference? I only watched it once in 14 years.

Remember also you had two brothers, right? Klaus and Adam.

Correct? I also have two brothers, Moish and Hesh.

Now, if you're going to do a series about real life, you should have done it

about me and my two brothers.

It wasn't the West, it was the South.

South Philadelphia.

That was brotherhood.

How we smothered.

What do you know about struggling with the Ponderosa? In your series, you each

had your own bed.

My two brothers and I slept in the same bed.

I didn't get to sleep alone until I got married.

You also didn't struggle too much in your series, Banzai.

Banana. Banana.

You and your brothers, you had it good. You had your own horses, plenty of food

to eat.

Everything you wanted. My two brothers and I, we were poor.

We didn't have a single toy between us. All we had was a piece of wood.

We played with that.

We were satisfied. We took that piece of wood, carved it in the shape of a gun,

and held up a toy store.

Now, Michael, congratulations. You're in the hit show, The Little Mouse on the

Prairie. Mouse?

I don't know what that is.

I never watched it.

I told you, I only watched your other show, Banami, once. And this one?

The little louse on the prairie I never even saw.

Do you want me to be honest with you? I never even saw you before.

What's more, I'm not even so sure I want to look at you now. So I'll leave my

stuff here.

Because from what I understand, watching you or looking at you could be

dangerous to your health.

That's why I'm here tonight to warn America about the hazards of watching

news show.

The Surgeon General has just released a report showing what happens to people

while you are on the air.

During last week's show alone, 18 ,000 people yawned so much they fractured

their jaws.

As I say, this is Michael and all sincerity.

For the health and safety of all of us Americans, get the hell off the TV.

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr.

Norm Cosby.

Thank you, drunkie.

Ladies and gentlemen, I say that as a term of affliction, and you know it.

When I watch Michael Landon and Bonanza or in Little House on the Prairie, I see

more than just an actor. I see...

Heroes, great heroes of our history.

I see General Custer when he fell on Little Bighorn and never fought again.

I see George Washington, father of our country's surveyor, statesman, cherry

tree chopper, soldier, sober dollar flipper.

A man who was years ahead of his time. Did you know that in 1776 he fought the

war of 1812?

had insurance. Never. They won't give it to him. They knew he liked to stand up

in the boat.

The characters portrayed by Mike Landon were men of the soil.

Pioneer folk who were stagnant and virile and circumventive.

They thought only of faith, progress, residuals, and reruns.

And how badly we need men like that today.

political misconsclusion of deflation and recession.

Our young people, our youths need a little Joe Cartwright they can raise to

pinnacle. They need that.

I do not believe all this talk about recession and depression.

I think it's an ugly rumor just started by a lot of people that are out of work.

Bill Landon is fashioned from the same hearty stock of the true pioneers who

made our country great.

Men like Alexander Hamilton, who went out and built roads and established

schools.

Men like Aaron Burr, who went out and sawed Alexander Hamilton.

Men like the gold prospectors who rode by Sutter's Mill and saw something in

Sutter's Creek that made their eyes pop.

It was Mrs. Sutter. She was skinny dipping.

These were not supermen, nay, nay. That means no, no.

They were all stand -up guys.

Guys like Ernie Borgnine and Lorne Green and Mike Landon.

If you could stand up, you would have been out of here an hour ago.

These are the things I see when I look at this man.

When I look at this man, virile and perfunctory.

It is only fitting that we honor Michael Landon tonight, a man who portrays the

very essence of basic depth and crotchety.

It was demonstrated by our forefathers and our foremothers and every one of

guys. God bless you.

Now, we're very happy to have you all given with us this evening.

the author of several fine books on natural food.

He believes in eating parts of pine trees and wild bushes. For lunch this

afternoon, he had a cactus burger.

It makes a nice meal.

You can eat and pick your teeth at the same time.

Ladies and gentlemen, let's welcome Mr. Hugh Gibbons.

I know it may seem a little incongruous for a man of the wilderness, such as

myself, to be here in Las Vegas at the MGM Grand with somebody like

Dean Martin.

But actually, Dean and I have a great deal in common.

Many times we have stalked wildlife together.

I'm here to give Michael some fundamental tips on surviving life on

I know a lot about this subject, having spent about 40 years surviving in the

wilderness and living off the land.

I've often been asked why I started doing that, why I spent 40 years

in the woods.

The answer is really simple.

One day I left the house to pick up a pizza and I got lost.

During my years in the forest, I found that man's biggest enemy is loneliness.

But there are many ways to combat it.

You have to take pleasure in the life around you, from the lowliest coyote to

the mightiest buffalo.

I tried to teach this to Michael.

Now he's engaged to a squirrel.

The MGM Studios recently signed one of Hollywood's greatest film producers to

prepare a motion picture that will star Michael Landon. And with us this evening

is the producer, ladies and gentlemen, one of America's great filmmakers of

Western classics, Mr. John Whitestone.

This probably shouldn't be mixed with pleasure, contrary to what a young lady

told me at the bar before.

But this picture we're doing is a must for you.

It's a remake of that great western movie classic, Wagon Boat,

which starred Humphrey Bogart, Gary Cooper,

And Robert Mitchell.

The opening scene was unforgettable, especially the Indian chief, who will be

played by you, said.

Ha,

ha, ha!

There's no cows in the men's room.

Why don't you ask him if we can go through the...

there.

Would you ask him when we get the smoke to pipe?

All right, I will.

Anakashui cannot die.

all much clearer of territory.

Ain't that wild?

I think that's just dandy.

Well, if I got dandy, I wonder what he can say.

Oh, there.

A -chey -wanna -wanna. A -chey -wanna -wanna. You wanna?

Chief, let's hear you sing.

What?

That's the kind of a picture it is.

Class all the way.

And this should clinch it. We're doing it in Italy.

tribes will be there.

Permacelli, Percutelli, Linguine, Fusilli, all of them. We're calling it

Godfeather.

Die, Mark!

My best friend?

of a comedian and a good guy, Mr.

Jim Murray.

No!

Always a thrill to give up an evening to honor a man I don't know and never even

met.

And while I was afraid my whole evening would be shot being at home with my

loved ones.

The biggest moment of my life, because standing up here on these days with Dean

Martin, the wino, on one side of me, and Michael Landon, the milk drinker, on

the other side of me, while he's fermenting, he's curdling.

After the show, they're going to run into each other and make eggnog.

when I said I didn't know Michael Landon. I do. We happen to be very good

friends and I was really appalled this evening. Honestly, sitting here

to person after person coming up here making fun of Michael and his television

shows. That I don't think was fair.

You know, making fun of his shows because they're clean and wholesome.

So what if he's also dull and boring?

Don't forget, this is a man of whom Pat Boone once said, keep this square away

from me.

who is so innocent.

The other day, a musician gave him some grass and he tried to build a tennis

court on it.

To Michael's credit, though, he's transmitted this clean, wholesome purity

television. His new show, Little House on the Prairie, has become the sleeper

the year. At least that's how it affects me.

And on his show, their idea of a big evening is for the whole family to sit

around the barn all night trying to save a saddle from dry rot.

We are all gathered here tonight honoring a man who is probably the only

left in the world who can get into a personality clash with Lawrence Welk and

have it come out a draw.

Ladies and gentlemen, excellent actor, Academy Award winner, Mr.

Cliff Robertson.

Thank

you,

Dean. Not many people know this, but Dean was NBC's first choice to lead the

Ingalls family to their little house on the prairie.

He wouldn't go on the wagon, so...

I know you try to be authentic, Mike, but a kid from New Jersey can't really

know about pioneer life.

I mean, in Newark, when they sing Get Along, Little Doggy, they're really

to shoo the poodle off the lawn, right?

I'm no expert, but I happen to be from a family of cattle ranchers, and maybe

that's why I spot certain things on your show that give you away as a city boy.

Like the time you tried to brand your cows with a magic marker.

And that unforgettable time your daughters asked you, Daddy, what do you

we're attacked by Indians? And you told them, don't worry, I'll make them marry

you.

Landon produces, directs, writes, stars in his new TV series. He's also the only

male star with all those women.

Around the studios, he's affectionately referred to as a little hog on the

prairie.

There's a rumor around town about how Michael, the actor, got the part from

Michael, the producer.

Is it really true you had to sleep with yourself, Mike?

It's time to introduce Lorne Green, who practically raised Michael Landon on

television. Everybody wonders why Lorne's hair turned white so early.

You see, when Lorne was a baby, his mother used to put the talcum powder on

wrong end.

Ponderosa, Mr. Lorne Green.

Ladies and gentlemen, and Don Rickles.

Members of the dais, honored guests, son.

Very sentimental.

I like to say, sit up, sit up straight.

Keep your hands off the table and put the cigarettes away.

Put on your shoes.

Might be a little excited tonight. There's no school tomorrow.

We all know that we played father and son.

on the show.

And in many ways, that relationship was very real.

And it still exists.

To this day, he treats me like a father.

Never thinks of me.

Never comes to see me.

Didn't call me on Father's Day.

I remember when I first met Mike, I was sitting and talking to Pernell Roberts,

who played my oldest son, who calls every week. Every week.

And they brought in this shy, awkward kid who didn't know what he wanted to

And look at him.

Actor, writer, producer, director.

Still doesn't know what he wants to do.

But even at that first audition, Michael had what it took to get a leading role

on a successful television show.

Photographs of the producer coming out of a motel in Tijuana.

And I just knew he would make it big because the first, I think it was the

day in Bonanza, he came in and he looked at the Ponderosa.

And he said, someday, all this will be mine.

And then he loosened the brakes on my car.

I must say, though, it's wonderful that we all ended up in Bonanza. I mean,

there we were, a 47 -year -old father and three 40 -year -old sons.

The boys are all fine young

men. I mean, I did my best with them. I did everything I could. They didn't

fight. They didn't drink. They didn't smoke. They didn't go out with girls.

What did I go wrong?

The truth of the matter is that Mike has a lovely home, has a beautiful wife, a

beautiful family.

He's a loving husband and father.

And I feel toward him as I do toward my own son.

That's the truth.

I cut him out of my wheelchair.

You know, Michael Landon is growing in stature as an actor all the time.

Of course, Michael couldn't do all this himself. He had help from the world's

greatest drama coach.

The man is here tonight, ladies and gentlemen, Sid Caesar as Mr.

Boris Ivanovich.

Was there one special thing you had to teach Michael about acting?

No, I wouldn't say no. One special thing? No, no.

Everything!

How to stand, how to sit, you know, how to fetch a

stick.

That's lesson.

did you teach, Michael?

Well, he came to me and he said, I'm going to be in a little house on a

in Minnesota.

Minnesota.

Minnesota.

He said, could you teach me how to act in cold weather?

I said, you came to the right question, because in Siberia, where I live, when

it's 40 degrees below zero, you pack up the family and you go to the beach and

you take a dip.

But when it gets to 100, 110 below zero, then you got to put on a T -shirt.

You don't put on a T -shirt, you're going to get cold there. 110 below zero,

that's cold.

When you say the words, they stay there.

What else did you teach Michael?

Well, I taught him how to kiss.

I kept on telling him, the horse you ride, the girl you kiss. The horse you

ride, the girl you kiss.

Our guest tonight

is Amanda Blake.

a red -headed beauty who captured your hearts for many years in the role of

Kitty, the owner of the Long Branch Saloon on Gunsmoke. She's spent more

leaning on a bar than I have, I'll tell you that.

Ladies and gentlemen, the lovely Miss Amanda Blake.

Thank you, Dean.

You know, you would have been great in those Gunsmoke pioneer days, especially

in California with the miners.

Because from what I hear, you've had plenty of experience working around gold

diggers.

I'd like to take this opportunity to set the record straight about Miss Kitty's

love life on Gunsmoke.

Let me say categorically that there was never anything between her and Marshall

Dillon. How could there be when a 6 '6", 240 -pound Marshall looks at

you in the eye and says, I've got a violent headache.

However, her friendship with Chester was another matter.

Why do you think he was running all those years?

I'm so pleased to be here tonight because, you know, we have something in

common.

We've both been lucky enough to be stars on a successful Western TV series.

Mine took place in a town that was so rough and tough and brutal that John

was working there as a waitress.

Bonanza was a more gentle type show about a father and his sons and their

empire of millions of acres of cattle and wheat and oil.

You were called the Cartwrights, but to those of us who knew you better, we

called you the Rockefellers.

Now you have another hit show and, well, very frankly, I'm envious.

After all, with my experience running an establishment that provided cowboys

with whiskey and women, I should have been the star of The Little House on the

Prairie.

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Victus and young, better known to all you Bonanza

as Hopping.

Hello, little Joe.

Hey,

you look good.

I see you still wear the same suit you wear.

for your bar mitzvah.

When you and Mr.

Ben coming back to the Pantaloza, stop saying cook very fine dinner

five years ago.

Nor can keep dinner warm much longer.

Little Joe,

Try to teach Hop Sing how to speak good English.

Like this.

Very good.

Chop, chop.

And all that Yankee lick -a -ma -lock.

Before Hop Sing meet little Joe, Hop Sing

spoke.

perfectly good English, without the slightest trace of an accent.

What a night. What an exciting night.

Hey, thank you so much.

This is, who are we honoring?

I just want you to know what a kick

it is. Who's the guy? What's his name? What's his name?

Michael, Michael.

Michael Legend.

Hey, Bonanza.

From the bottom of my heart, I never liked that show.

It was the dumbest damn show I ever saw in my life, with the calves and the

horses and everybody in heat. Forget that.

I mean to Blake, bless your heart, Jim Harness was one of my favorite actors. I

was with him once, and he said to me in a drugstore, get out of the way, you're

blocking the magazine counter.

Ernest Pognon on the Poseidon.

Ernie, you're a fantastic actor, as Marty in that wonderful picture, when

said, I need a broad.

The best thing he did, the best thing he did, what was that picture he did?

Marty. No, no, the other picture.

The one with Frank, the one, Frank, all right. Oh, Frank Marty. Frank Marty,

right.

From here to eternity, when he's dead.

said to Frank Sinatra, one of the great Italians, he said, now you're going to

get yours.

You're going in a saute.

And Frank was an actor. And beautiful Frank said, is this just for the movie?

Michael, to you.

Michael, really, with your hair, I worry about you.

Cartwright worried about you. The whole ranch worried about you.

Especially when you mixed between the herd and kept saying, move him out.

Maybe you have a problem. I don't know, Michael.

But when they said cut and the scene was over, you were in your dressing room a

lot, alone.

Humming and singing all the rodeo songs that we all love.

I want to be with you so much.

I kid about this man.

Rise, Michael.

If I may.

What is the word? Commendation? What is the word? Commendation?

What is the word? Here to eternity.

Here to eternity.

To the greatest cowboy star of our time.

The award for riding the bronc. And later on, we're going to put a bell on

nose and let you run through the room.

You are a great actor, a great star.

I remember you when you first started in your picture, when you played that part

of the monster with the claw.

And we will do that scene now.

This is your first picture. What was the name of that picture, Michael? Truth. I

was the teenage girl. Here to eternity.

But after.

Of the guy you played.

You played the part of the monster, right?

You're the sheriff. You say to me, Sheriff, the monster is ready to come

the park.

Okay? Do a good job, I'm counting.

Okay, I commit.

Now, come on, we gotta do it. Sheriff!

No, not yet, not yet.

I've got to do this good.

Lorne, come here.

Come here, Lorne. Lorne, you're the director.

Stay in that chair. Stay in that chair.

Okay, Lorne, you're the director.

Cut.

124 Denver Avenue.

124 Denver Avenue. Okay.

Okay, I come in. Cut.

No!

House. And we meet woman.

When?

You're one of the weirdest honkers to have ever seen.

Give him a nice day.

We've been firing away at our guest of honor right point blank.

But he gets the last shot.

Ladies and gentlemen, our man of the hour, Mr.

Michael Landon. Thank

you

very much.

This has been a very unusual evening for me.

to say the least.

I'm a little nervous being up here. I'm not a comedian.

I'm not used to getting laughs.

And I can see that none of you are either.

It's always nice to see Joey Bishop here. I asked to have Joey on the show.

wanted someone who's just as funny as you'll give him.

And Amanda Blake.

Amanda, it's very nice seeing you here, even though I did ask for Barbara

Stanwyck.

Well, I wish, Amanda, that you and Dean could be on my new series. You could run

the saloon, and Dean, of course, you would be the town drunk.

Now, Dean's got so many grapes in him, he's being picketed by Cesar Chavez.

There's another Bonanza alumnus here, of course, a Chinese cook, Victor Sen

Yong.

I want Victor to know you might have gotten a little more laughs, but you

listen to me. I told you, don't use the jokes in column A.

The one thing I like about having a whole Cartwright family together with

Cartwrights, you get a roll and a long time.

Now, Jan Murray, your credit to the name Murray. Funnier than Catherine, but not

as funny as Arthur.

board now.

Ernie, I saw you in the Poseidon Adventure, and I want you to know when

ship went down, I think your monologue should have gone down with it.

Ernie and I just finished working together. He's a very dear friend of

very happy you came, Ernie, because we had three empty seats.

It's nice to see my good friend Cliff Robertson. Cliff is a man of many, many

talents, and none of which were evident tonight.

I'm very happy to see Lauren Green. Lauren and I have been very, very close

a number of years.

Probably too close.

I was there when Lauren won the West.

And tonight, Lauren, I was here to see you lose the audience.

Lauren was wonderful. It was a lot of good years. Lauren played my father on

Bonanza for 14 years.

And I'll never forget those days.

I never forget the times that I used to wander into the room at night and say,

Lauren, please, can I have the keys to the horse?

You know, you people out there think you know Don Rickles. I know Don Rickles.

So a lot of you people out there, Don is, well, he's first disgusting, then

obscene, and then he's lewd.

But to those of us who know him and love him, he's exactly the opposite.

First he's lewd.

Then he's obscene. Then he's...

You're

all... All of you up here on the day is very big talents.

But the fact that you're all big in television doesn't really mean that much

me.

Let's face it. Television is an invention where you're entertained in

living room by people you wouldn't have in your house.

If you'd like to win, then you can go.