Original subtitles

The Dean Martin Celebrity Roast, coming to you from the MGM Grand Hotel in the

entertainment capital of the world, Las Vegas, Nevada.

The glittering city of excitement and laughter provides the scintillating

backdrop for tonight's star -studded roast.

Ladies and gentlemen, from the Celebrity Room of the Grand Hotel, Dean Martin

honors our woman of the hour, Lucille Ball, with tonight's guest, Jack

Benny.

Dan Rowan, Don Rickles, Bob Hope, Ginger

Rogers, Dick Martin, Cody Fields, Milton

Burroughs, Henry Fonda, Nipsey Russell, Vivian

Vance, Rick Little, Foster Brooks, Phyllis Diller,

Gail Gordon.

And your Roastmaster, Dean Martin.

And tonight's very special woman of the hour, Lucille Ball.

Lucy, this room isn't big enough to hold all your friends, so we invited your

enemy.

There isn't anything this woman can't do. She can sing, she can dance, she can

get laughs, especially with her singing and dancing.

Broadway, it was Samuel Goldwyn who saw her dancing in the chorus. Mr. Goldwyn

couldn't take his eyes off Lucy.

She had something no other girl in the chorus had.

Torn underwear.

A short time after that, Lucy arrived in Hollywood. What guts she had. Her first

words were...

Joan Crawford move over. And lucky Joan did because Lucy was driving a cab at

the time.

It was while Lucy was under contract to RKO that she met a young Cuban

bandleader, Desi Arnaz. He soon fell in love with Lucille's style of physical

comedy. But enough of your wedding night.

It was that night Lucy realized she and Desi had a lot in common. He, too, had

torn underwear.

Do you realize while Lucy was with Desi, she took 750 pies in the face, got

385 doors slammed on her nose, and was thrown out of a window 68 times, and

was just in divorce court.

After that, Lucy went back to New York to star in the show called Wildcat.

she was there, she met her present husband, Gary Morton. It was Gary who

something new into Lucille's life.

Boredom.

It is commonly known that last week... The tapes of all the Lucy television

shows were submitted to the Library of Congress. And after they were reviewed,

I'm happy to say President Ford granted Lucy a full pardon.

Lucy, what can I say? This night is yours. Why should I take the rap for it?

here because Lucy is my kind of a girl.

We're both cut from the same mold. It's just that I'm moldier.

Lucy had some career.

When Lucy was making pictures at MGM, every time a big part came up, they'd

Louis B. Mayer would say this. He said, let's get that good -looking redhead.

And they did. Van Johnson.

When I first came to Hollywood, I could have had big parts, too. But I was

allergic to silicone.

My bra was so small, it had to be put on by a jeweler.

Of course, now I wear a padded bra.

It's got so much rubber in it. Last night, I threw it on the dresser and it

bounced out the window.

her problems too. Now I happen to know that she wants to dye her hair back to

its original color but she can't remember it.

All my life I have tried to look like Lucy. I even use the same beauty cream

Lucy uses but nothing works.

You know that ugly skin on your elbows?

My whole body looks like that.

And gentlemen, the team that made laughing what it is today, a canceled

television show.

Then ruined it quickly.

All right. Now, we're here to honor this great lady.

Lucille Ball. Lukey. And you know, it's customary on the Dean Martin roast,

we've done some of them, you know, it's customary to say nasty things about the

guest of honor. I don't think we should do that. I don't either. I couldn't

agree with you more. I think we ought to tell these people some of the great

things that Lucy's done. That shouldn't take too long.

Lucy is very well known for her

extraordinary show business acumen. Yes. You know that.

But what isn't so well known is that her advice has helped a great many people

in this business. That's true.

I happen to know that just a few months ago, out of the goodness of her heart,

she picked up a phone and called Frank Sinatra. You're kidding. She did. She

said, Frank, you've been working too hard. Why don't you get out of the

limelight? Take a little rest.

Go to Australia. They'll love you.

That's right. Who's that? Dean Martin.

Oh, I thought you brought that down. It was ten years ago that Dean was starting

his own television show, just right here on NBC. You're sure ten years ago?

That's when it was.

At the same time, he was making Mad Hell movies, he made Airport, he made a lot

of albums, records, he was appearing in personal appearances. How did she help

him? Well, he was having, with all this pressure and everything, he was having

trouble getting to sleep. No kidding. And Lucy gave him the advice that helped

him. She said, Dean, just before you go to bed, if you want to get a good

night's sleep, take a little drink.

She told him. She told him that.

Force yourself. Just force yourself to take a little drink. Well, it seems to

have worked pretty well. Yeah, he hasn't been to bed in ten years.

out someone who knew Lucy back in her early days in Hollywood.

Lucy's former roommate and once a starlet in her own right, the

seductive Gladys Ormsby.

my best lingerie. The oil cloth briefs with the pink rosette.

I'm going to tell you the truth about Lucille Ball.

I knew all her innermost secrets.

You see that nice, fresh look she always had over the years?

Do you think that's natural?

Bourgeois!

best goodwill ambassador comedy ever had, Mr.

Bob Holtz.

We're going to tell you all about it later.

Later, bring him a double scotch and a blanket.

Dean gets up in the morning, every distillery stock on the board goes up

points.

I can't tell you how nice it is to be part of this tribute to Lucia Ball. This

year's Joanne Worley.

My goodness, what a run you've had on television.

And your reruns are on five times a day.

You get more exposure than Telly Cervalus' head.

I know you're on Channel 7, 9, 11, 13, and this morning she came in on my

electric toothbrush.

But I must say, no TV series ever got higher ratings than I Love

Lucy. Every show that was on opposite you, you knocked off the air. Such shows

as Rosie Greer at SeaWorld.

Charo sings Cole Porter.

Live from the House of Pies.

You know, Lucy and I made some pictures together.

And sometimes I watch our old movies on the late show. And tears come to my

eyes. Because everyone else is watching Johnny Carson.

Well, I guess we just about covered everything tonight. But then again, Tony

Fields did that when she sat down.

But actually, I'm very happy for Lucy's success. She's quite a woman. She saved

all her money. Who knows? It may be valuable again someday.

You know, after a show like this, there's usually a big letdown.

Luckily, ours came during the show.

Stay awake, Dean. I want you to hear the rest of this.

He's so loaded, he's smoking his swizzle stick.

You know, Lucy's always doing nice things, even though she isn't with Desi

anymore.

She got him a job as dialogue coach on Chico and the Man.

And she still keeps up the payments on his bongos.

Actually, I'd like to stay out here a little longer, but I know Lucy has to

up early tomorrow morning.

Earl Shive's doing her hair.

Good night, Lucy. I love you. Thank you.

Lucy, a lot of your friends and admirers couldn't be here tonight,

so they sent some wires or telegrams, and

I'm going to read them.

Oh, there's Lucy.

Here's one from overseas.

We just started getting your old I love Lucy reruns. Love you, but have trouble

understanding Desi. Signed, Fidel Castro.

Oh, dear.

From the League of Women Voters, dear Miss Ball, please consider running for

president in 76.

If you won at least...

we'd know the kind of a clown we'd be getting.

Milton Berle recently authored a new

book. It's called Milton Berle, an Autobiography.

I must say I read his book from cover to cover. Luckily, I didn't read what's

inside.

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr.

Television, Milton Berle.

Thank you.

I am very, very happy to be here tonight to show my love and affection for Lucy.

Who knows, the broad might get hot again.

This woman, Lucille Ball, has emerged as the sex symbol for men who no longer

care.

Today, Lucy may have her millions, but her rise to fame was an uphill battle. I

know this. When Lucy was just an innocent kid of 19, she always had that

frightened look of a new girl at a Sinatra party.

Did you know that Lucille Ball used to travel with the Kay Kaiser Band?

She wasn't a singer, she just...

Like to travel with the band.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, Lucille Ball has worked hard to get where she is

today.

She was a chorus girl in a nightclub in Hollywood Boulevard, I think it was the

Tractor Bureau, where every night, Lucy did the Dance of the Virgins, which she

performed from memory.

Now I'd like to introduce you to your bald husband, comedian Gary Morton.

Gary and Lucy first met 13 years ago, and this is their second meeting.

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Gary Morton.

I'm in a very delicate position this evening, having to roast my own wife.

I can just picture her tonight setting the electric blanket on headache.

I'll tell you, Lucy and I fight, but we never go to sleep mad.

Of course, one year we were up for three months.

I do two things to keep her happy. First, I let her think she's having her

way. Then I let her have it.

When

I

heard that Gail Gordon was going to be on the show, I kind of choked up. You

see, I used to go with a girl named Gail Gordon.

And, honey, if you're the same one, you really let yourself go pretty good.

Ladies and gentlemen, a real groovy chick, Mr. Gale Gordon.

Your information is modern. I am not the same Gale.

And get your hand off my knee.

I love Lucy Popicott. How can you love a woman who began each TV season by

making the whole cast bow their heads and pray that Carol Burnett turned gray?

Mrs. Morton, Vivian Vance is funnier than you are.

The wonderful and talented Miss Jody Fields.

You don't remember me, but I was your first wife.

Don't talk about you drinking. You drink so dear much that this guy, I want you

to know, he quit AA and joined AAA.

So they could tow him away from the bar.

I don't know why I'm here. They called me up and said, Tony, we need a pretty

face.

Look at Diller. I want you to look at Diller over there.

Look at the hair. Do you believe it?

and the cheese dip.

Stop touching me.

Animal!

Get a seat tonight in my dressing room before the show.

Banging on my door, banging on my door.

I had to let him out.

I know, takes vitamin E and somonix.

So he can sleep through his orgies.

I want to tell you something.

Between him and Sinatra, they're going to drive me out of my mind.

You know, you don't know this, do you? That Frank is just dying to get me to

Palm Springs.

You know, he called me tonight and offered to send...

His private blimp.

It's a funny thing. All these years, I thought Lucy was such a swinger.

When I first met Lucy, she called me a toady. Come on over.

We're going to have a pot party.

You know how excited I got?

I'd never been to one of those things.

I went over.

She was selling Tupperware.

You have been a big star for many, many years.

And it must kill you to see a young kid like me stepping into your shoes.

Ladies and gentlemen, the human Xerox machine.

Mr. Rich Little.

Don't tell me Carol Channing isn't here tonight.

Holding a dinner for Lucy.

Oh, the poor thing broke already.

I knew it was just a matter of time.

But tell Lucy not to worry. I'll be there in spirit.

And I pledge five dollars.

Where's Paul Lynn tonight?

Hi, Richie.

What's that?

They're roasting Lucy.

Oh, gosh.

I'd like to come and baste her.

And where's Nelson Rockefeller?

Well, I think it's a wonderful thing that they're honoring Lucille

Ball.

I mean, hers is a great American success story.

She made it to the top through ambition, drive, perseverance, and sacrifice.

I did it the hard way.

I was nice to my father.

The final insult was that Johnny Carson couldn't make it tonight.

Or maybe he has.

was adorable, she's beautiful, she's wonderful, and she's fabulous.

And I only wish her name was Joanna, then I would have married her. Thank you

very much.

Ladies

and

gentlemen, Mr.

Henry Fonda.

I know the idea of these roasts is to get up here and insult the guests of

with a lot of lies, but if you don't mind, I'd like to be a little different.

I'd like to tell a true story about Miss Ball.

It's insulting, but it's a true story.

About a hundred years ago, I was... I

was... sharing bachelor quarters with Jimmy Stewart.

And Jimmy was dating Ginger Rogers, and I was insanely jealous because I was

secretly in love with Ginger myself.

And one night, Jimmy asked me if I'd like to double date with a friend of

Ginger's, a young actress under contract to RKO named Lucille Ball.

She was going nowhere.

Well, we...

We went dancing, and actually Miss Ball and I were having a great time together.

She was a lot of fun, full of laughs, and who knows what might have developed.

But you may notice that I'm the only one on the podium that calls her Miss Ball.

I was intimate enough to call her Lucy.

That's the point of the story.

I made a terrible mistake.

Both girls looked ravishingly lovely in the soft lights, and we danced till

dawn. But when we came out into the harsh glare of the daylight, the girls'

makeup looked about an inch thick, and it was, well, what it was was ugly.

It's simply untrue what... Miss Ball has been telling people all these years

that I went to the gutter and retched.

I was just coughing a lot.

I'd like to take this opportunity after all these years, because it was a very

ungentlemanly thing, to apologize.

Miss Ball, Lucy, I love you.

the best thing that ever happened to Fred Astaire, Miss Ginger Rogers.

Well, I've known Lucy longer than anyone here.

I think it's safe to say that.

What isn't so safe to say is how I feel about her.

I was there the night she met Desi.

Lucy and I were dining at a posh Hollywood restaurant when a good

-haired young man dressed in a white cutaway and a black bow tie walked over

her and said, Did you finish your salad, lady?

Lucy and I have been friends for many years.

And although I know it...

Not very original.

I must say, I love Lucy.

Poor Lucy left her hometown to seek fame and stardom.

She promised her high school beau that she'd return someday and marry him.

And so here, all the way from Jamestown, New York, meet the man who's been

Lucy's fiancé since 1933,

Mr. Foster Brooks.

I bet you didn't expect to see me

here tonight, did you, Big Red?

Forty -one years, but she still looks the same except for the hair.

She wasn't a redhead then.

She was bald.

Hello, Lucille Balls.

We met at Jamestown High School.

And I was the captain of the football team.

And I'll never forget the first time I scored.

Touchdown!

You remember you shook your pom -poms at me?

You see why I'm using a cheerleader.

Right from the beginning, Lassie or Lucy.

Like Lucy and I were drawn to each other physically.

Like two moths to a sock.

I was a lusty larva and she had a cute cocoon.

No offense to the colored man on the day.

as strong as our passions were, the fire follicles and I were never

caught doing anything illicit, immoral, or unsavory. We did them all, but we

never were caught at it.

But I've been very faithful to you.

How about you, Luce?

That's what the football team used to call her.

Pops for you, cherry head.

Say yes to my offer and I will deliver unto thee an eternal bliss.

Say no and I'll just fiddle with you on weekends.

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Nipsey Russell.

Those who think of women as the weakest sex just can't see the trees for the

woods. Because no matter how loudly a rooster may crow, it's the hen who

delivers the good.

honor does deliver. I love Lucy because she is a liberal.

She was the first white woman in television to be hit in the face with a

chocolate pie.

You can see that some of her sisters have come here today.

Tony Fields, Ruth Bozzi, Phyllis Diller. They had a beauty contest and nobody

won.

the minute he comes into the house.

Why do you come in here half drunk?

He said, because I ran out of money.

I was there. I tried to throw a little laugh there. I said, you're jealous,

Lucy, because Gary is chasing women. She said, let him chase women.

You see dogs chasing cars, but they can't drive.

the proclivity of others on the desk to mention, uh... Wait a minute.

Proclivity? The proclivity.

Oh. To mention Frank Sinatra, Sonny Bono, and Dean Martin.

I don't joke about Italians.

No, sir. We Sicilians gotta stick together.

So, I'll confine my remarks to Lucille.

When I was coming over here, I was thinking how much it would mean if I

work with her. I suggested we do a remake of Guess Who's Coming to Dinner.

She said, we will. We'll call it Guess Who Ain't Gonna Get Served.

And all of the organizations said, you're going to that thing?

What are you going to that thing for?

They said, by the way, if you're going, remember, in all her years on

television, Lucille Ball never...

And we want her to know from the bottom of our hearts, we appreciate it. We had

enough trouble.

It's always a pleasure having Jack Benny with us. He almost didn't make it. The

police broke into his dressing room and caught him sniffing prunes.

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr.

Jack Benny.

I'm glad that it isn't always a black tie event, you know, but I'm glad this

a black tie affair because it lends dignity to the evening.

And for your information, to get a tuxedo pressed, it's no longer two

I get a refund when I return the wire hanger.

Anyway, I enjoyed my trip to Las Vegas. Fortunately, I ran into Fred McMurray,

and he got me a good seat on the bus.

And sitting alongside me was a beautiful 25 -year -old girl.

with a six -month -old baby.

And every time she fed that baby, I just couldn't take my eyes off of her.

I'd like to borrow that kid to siphon gasoline.

Clean that bottle in ten seconds flat.

Anyway, I must say, with all respect to Lucy, I can see where

all her exposure on TV might upset some comedians, might

make them jealous.

But personally, I don't give a damn.

I couldn't care if she's on 50 times a day.

If she wants the public to get sick of her, that's her problem.

co -star and constant companion for over 10 years on television, the very

talented Miss Vivian Banks.

You probably don't remember me.

But we go back a long way.

Actually, I've known Lucille Ball, man and boy, for over 20 years.

And during that time, I consider the years I spent on I Love Lucy to be

the biggest rip -off of my career.

I remember when she was head of Desilu Productions, she had a sign on her desk

that said, The buck stops here.

I didn't realize at the time that she meant it literally.

Lucy was always very friendly with everybody on the show.

She called them all with their first names, no matter how insignificant she

considered them to be. It was always, how you doing, Harry?

How's the family, Pete?

Hurry up with that coffee, Dessie.

I'm, um, the Beast of Beverly Hills.

What a night! Who are we honoring?

And I'm just delighted.

I must say, pardon me, I'm just delighted.

Because I always wanted to meet Henry Fonda.

Henry Fonda.

You and Jesse in the barn with Frank, the whole thing.

With Jackie Cooper, you were so good, Henry. God bless you.

Now it's time to quit.

Anyway, folks, I would like to say, pardon me, this is one of the greatest

nights of my career.

This wonderful packed night, really, to Anna Lucille Ball, a great lady, a woman

that I worked with on our television show, bless her heart, and she was the

that said to me, uh, kid, come here.

Jack Benny is over on the end. He didn't want to go for the table.

Jack didn't want to take care of anybody. Bob Hope, as you all know, he's

back standing there with three soldiers and an American flag saying, find

another war.

I must be honest. I never liked Lucille Ball. I never did.

Guys, come up. Lucy, darling, Henry Fonder.

Jesse, Jesse, but you're my idol, Henry.

Henry, are you up?

You are as beautiful as ever.

My wife said to me last night, as we laid in bed, she said, is Lucy young?

And I said, baby, young is not the point. It's what's in your heart. Right,

Lucy?

Lucy? Put her in a home.

Look at this. The husband went, yeah.

Now.

I kid. Gary, we've known each other many, many years. And you always said to

be kind to Lucy.

I say this to her, shut up. I hate when a spade butts in.

laugh about people. Phyllis Diller, you're a dear friend.

And I must tell you, God bless you.

God has given you the way you look.

Do not be ashamed of it. When you were born, you probably hit the wall.

Don't be afraid.

Ruth Buzzi.

find her attractive.

some film now that shows off Lucy's ability as an actress I think what

about to see will prove that despite her clowning Lucy has always been a

beautiful desirable woman capable of turning in a deeply moving performance

I've grown accustomed to her face

I've grown accustomed to her tune.

She whistles madly.

Her smile, her frown.

Her ups, her downs.

words I know, Lucille Ball.

Thank you. This has really been something.

You know, some performers can go through their entire career and never, never

have a night like this.

Those are the lucky ones.

Of course, I love seeing some of my television family here tonight, like

Vance.

She started on the original Lucy show 23 years ago.

And you know, Vivian gave up a lot to do my show.

for weekly unemployment checks.

And my darling, adorable Gail Gordon.

I love him. What a great performer and humanitarian.

Every year, Gail donates money to the screen actor's home. But he always

on remaining anonymous.

So he doesn't sign his name to the check.

Of course, I'm not only glad, I'm overwhelmed that Henry Fonda came here

tonight. We're great friends, I'm happy to say.

We've done two pictures together, and whenever Hank was around, the set always

came to life.

I wish I could say the same for Hank.

And Phyllis, Phyllis, darling, although we've never been close, after tonight,

I'm sure we never will be.

Really, Phyllis, the years have been kind to you.

It's the weeks in between you who louse yourself up.

Milton, darling, it's always good to see you.

You know, Milton Berle is an inspiration to all the kids of America.

They figure if he can make it, anybody can.

Milton, I kid you really, but you've really given us a lot of pleasure at our

house. You never come over anymore.

Of course, what can anyone say about Jack Benny?

You know, every time Jack did my show, he brought sandwiches, donuts, coffee,

milk, pie, and in less than an hour, he was sold out.

And Tony, baby, what a doll.

Before the show, she told me she was on the Stillman diet.

You look like you swallowed Stillman.

My adorable husband, Gary.

We've been together 13 years, and we've always maintained an honest, open

relationship, as he told you.

Like if I don't like something Gary's doing, I let him know.

But tonight, the audience beat me to it.

You know, during my lifetime, I've had audiences with the Pope.

I've dined with presidents.

Once I was an overnight guest with the Trumans when they were at the White

House. But being here tonight with people in my own business, I can

how great it was being with the Pope and the president.

Good night.

Thank you.