Original subtitles

The Dean Martin Celebrity Roast, coming to you from the MGM Grand Hotel in the

entertainment capital of the world, Las Vegas, Nevada.

Ladies and gentlemen, from the beautiful Seashell Grove, tonight's star -studded

roast has brought together some of the world's greatest entertainers.

They've come from all over the world to be here tonight, here in Las Vegas, in

person.

your Roastmaster, Dean Martin.

You know, a lot has been said about our guest of honor, Kirk Douglas, and he's

here tonight to deny it.

industry, you know that Kirk's always been a little depressed.

He's been that way ever since he looked in the mirror and found out he was not

Hurt Lancaster.

Because if that is not exactly a bundle of laughs, as a matter of fact, there's

a wax statue of Kirk in the Hollywood Wax Museum and the statue gets invited

more parties than he does.

Kirk's senior year in college, he was voted class humorous, which gives you an

idea of the kind of laughs they had in that class.

It was between Kirk and Senator Montoya.

There's a lot of your friends on Mars who couldn't be here tonight. However,

they sent you telegrams. I'd like to read some of them.

The first one is from Raquel Welch.

Dear Kirk, I just saw your latest movie, and I can't tell you how much I envy

you. You're the only person in Hollywood who has more comedies than I do.

Here's one from the president.

President Nixon. My dear Kirk, I've always been fascinated by the pimple in

chin. It seems like the perfect place for me to hide the Watergate tapes.

You know, our man of the week has received many distinguished honors in

career, from his alma mater, St. Lawrence University, from the state of

from President Kennedy, from President Johnson, but one of the most exciting

awards took place last week in Greenwich Village.

We have a film, which was honored for heroic efforts

on behalf of the Gay Liberation Front.

What are you doing after the roast tonight?

Everyone knows Ted Knight as the obnoxious newscaster on the Mary

Tyler Moore Show. He's a man who could succeed in any profession he chose.

Why he chose to louse up show business, I don't know.

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Ted Knight.

Thank you, Dave.

You know, planning a television newsman has got me in the habit of researching

my material.

On the subject of Kirk Douglas, I'm going to cover some little -known

facts.

Kirk didn't just get to be a bad actor overnight.

He struggled at it.

A lot of hurt dropped, too.

How many of you out there know how versatile this man really is?

I'd like to read to you a list of the jobs of this multi -faceted management.

He was a window washer in the Holland Tunnel.

He was a stress engineer for a trust company.

A lifeguard in a drunk tank.

And a lookout on a dude ranch.

And all the guests would step down on their horses at the old corral. Kirk

yell, we go, we go!

And we'd sit down there.

He was also a bouncer at a Brazilian factory.

He achieved his greatest artistic success when he got a job with the

House Coffee Company.

You all know the slogan, good at the last drop. Well, when it got to the last

drop, it was Kirk Douglas who came out and shook it off.

Thank you, Ted.

John Crosby has been on my show many times in the last nine years, and I'll

never forget the first time I met him. It was ten minutes ago backstage.

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Norm Crosby!

Thank you very much.

I'm glad you mentioned that, Dean, because...

It has been a long time, and there have been a lot of shows, and I think that

we're friends, and we have a pretty good rapport with each other.

I cannot see why you and Greg Darius, the executive procurer,

I do not understand how you selected a man like Kirk Douglas to roast. I really

mean that because this is not a man to be exercised and regaled with trivia.

Kirk is a serious equestrian performer. He is a man

who has trod the broads of Broadway drama.

He should be raised to a pinnacle. I really mean it.

With all the misconstruction and the political disruption that's going on in

world today, we need a man like this to offer to the youths of America as an

example. The misconstrued youths need.

They need heroes. They need other sandwiches. They need guys like this.

Tell them about this giant. Tell them about this humble beginning.

How he was poor. How he had hand -me -down clothes. One boy with six sisters.

The only kid in the history of Amsterdam, New York, who played football

skirt.

And the sisters, what? They adored him. They kept going over to him and saying,

isn't he cute?

Isn't he adorable?

In fact, they did it so much, a whole piece came out.

This is a great actor.

He is a dedicated artist.

Kirk is a dedicated artist.

I remember in Carnival when he had a hang from a trapezoid and he had to

He did. He had to learn to be an extortionist.

You know, the ones with no bones that bend over and do tricks.

One trick he had to learn was scary, really, truly. He had to bend over

backwards, form a circle.

And put his toes in his nostrils.

That's not funny. If he ever sneezed, he could have disappeared right in his own

mouth.

That's Ted that cares about Kirk Douglas.

He's a man of perverse talent.

And I am very proud to be a part of this testimony.

Ladies and gentlemen, Jack Burns and Mr. Avery Schreiber.

I'm going to review some of the actual true highlights of the life and career

our illustrious and distinguished guest of honor, Kirk Douglas.

A man of whom Danny Thomas once said, Kirk was born in Amsterdam, New York.

And how proud Kirk's father was when the doctor emerged from the delivery room

and announced,

It's a boy, Mr. Douglas, and he's perfectly normal, except for one little

His navel's in his chin.

Broadway success brought him a Hollywood front.

Perhaps his finest performance was in the film Lust for Life, where he played

the artist Vincent Van Gogh. There was one memorable scene in this picture, and

the director was amazed when he saw how Kirk performed it.

Oh, no, Kirk.

I told you to cut off your ear, not your rear.

Kirk was soon an international star, and at the request of the U .S. State

Department, he toured South America and Europe as a goodwill ambassador.

The high point of his life came during his visit to the Netherlands, where he

was granted a private audience with the Queen.

Hi, Kirk. Are you interested in a tour of the Dyke?

I'm sure most of us are familiar with the name Rich Little.

Last year, Rich was the comedian of the Julie Andrews Hour. I watched him every

week, and I couldn't believe it. He got less laughs than Julie.

Ladies and gentlemen, America's greatest and precious, greatest, Mr. Rich

Little.

My name is Kirk Langston.

I'd like to tell you a few things about my good friend, Kirk Langston.

Kirk and I made five motion pictures.

As far as I'm concerned, there were five too many.

Let's go back to the beginning.

Kirk was born in Amsterdam, New York.

School at the age of six.

Screen image was already beginning to take shape.

When asked to read before the class, Kirk said,

See

Dick run.

See Jane run.

See Dick, Jane, Spot, and Cluck run.

See Dick run after Puff.

See Dick catch up to Puff.

See Puff scratch Dick.

See Dick

grab Puff.

In 1960, Kirk made one of his most successful motion pictures.

Now, this is the picture with Tony Kirk out of those now famous words.

I still

think

the best impression Rich does is Richard Nixon.

In fact, his Nixon impression is so good, the other day he got... B .B.

to buy him a house.

Here's one of the top performers.

Here's one of the top recording artists in the country, a great country western

singer. He did it too. He said, hey, I'd watch her if she was on radio.

Ladies and gentlemen, Lynn Anderson.

An actor is usually known for his hard suggests.

But Kirk Douglas has become famous for the part he loses.

In his new picture, Scalawag, which was produced by his wife, Anne, Kirk loses a

leg.

Let's watch some of the fun he has with that.

When are you getting a new leg?

Pretty soon now.

Pretty soon.

How's your old one holding out?

Every man should have one. Look, you can use it as a weapon.

Night, Frank.

That's wonderful.

Now, look.

Stoke the fire.

Stir the stew.

Now, you stir it for a while. Oh, I can do that.

Hey, not with your foot.

In Scalawag, Kirk loses a leg.

In Vikings, he lost an eye.

As Vince and Van Gogh, he lost an ear.

In Champion, he lost his front teeth.

In Young Man with a Horn, he lost his lip.

I think there's just one little thing we haven't lost.

Ladies and gentlemen, my real funny man, Mr. Jackie Gale.

I always defend the man of the week, but today I want to tell you to relax and

enjoy yourself. Just lay back. It's all been downhill since the champ.

I've been a fan of yours for years. In fact, I remember a picture you did with

Johnny Cash, who was financed by an Indian tribe.

I wouldn't say lost money, but the Indian changed the name of the

Wounded Bank.

I'm getting them now, Dean.

Started slow, but I'm rolling.

Should have had Norm Crosby's act.

Norm Crosby, I love him because he always kids himself about a hearing aid.

Meanwhile, he's having better time than the rest of us.

While we're here, he's listening to the ball game.

And I'll tell you something. One day his hearing aid wasn't working, but he had

no trouble hearing the girl yell, my husband's car is in the driveway.

I think it's nice of Don Rickles to be here to pay tribute tonight, Kurt.

Because he's a gentle soul. He attacks people only out of pertinence.

If you believe that, you believe Nixon got a chance for a third term.

He's a very terrible guy, Don Rickles. He gave 30 % of his income for piranha

research.

Now, taste.

That's right. Don comes out with a lot of venom and hate. But under that layer

of... Venom and hate, there's a layer of warmth and love.

And in that layer of warmth and love, there's another layer of venom and hate.

Like we did a picture about his life, will it?

I told you I'd get him, Dean. You give me a couple of minutes.

Stop posing off.

You got to go like that. You go till you get him.

Kirk, I respect you. I'll tell you why because you're my kind of guy.

I struggled all my life. I came from a poor family in Brooklyn.

Poor Jewish family. We were unlucky.

I remember once we had holidays. We opened the door, left them a siren, and

got robbed.

That's right.

That's right, Dean. They grabbed the hat, the monsters, and my grandfather

Ellington out.

I want to tell you, with all the ribbing aside, you're my kind of man. And just

like the title of the picture, you're still a champion. Thank you very much.

Where am I stopping here?

Now we come to Don.

A lot of people wonder why Don is so mean.

Don's always been mean.

When Don was born, the doctor slapped him and Don punched him in the mouth.

It is Don Rickles.

That's the effect of many, many movies.

I'm going to say from the bottom of my heart, as an actor, he's weak.

You and I know,

if you didn't have that little ripple in your chin, the freaky jaw,

and the trick -or -treat voice, you'd

be like the rest of us.

But Kirk always had us at the house when he had the biggies over.

The last big name they had was Lyle Talbot's cousin.

But Kirk is a great star, and I've proven that

many, many times, because every time I've come to his home, he's always been

leotard shorts.

No sweatshirt, just standing in the little room going... Going through some

meat on the floor, he ate it and died.

I will

say to you as the audience out there tonight,

Hurt Douglas knows Hurt Lancaster personally.

Burt Lancaster would be here tonight, but he was in a circus act in Germany

climbed up the rope too fast.

And is now in his home in Malibu going...

But I

will never forget, and this is a true story, a little anecdote about Kirk

Douglas.

Kirk and his lovely wife, Anne, were celebrating their 19th wedding

And they had a little dinner party.

And they said, Don, they never told us it was their anniversary. True, Kirk?

And they

invited us to their home. And my wife, Barbara, who I married a lovely lady,

bless her.

She is known to me as Valium.

When Pearl Harbor was attacked, she was the one that looked up and said, there's

some destruction.

There's some dummy girl in the front going, I hope I find some guy.

Anyway, this is the truth.

And Kirk said, we're going to have a little dinner party.

And I said, fine, as you well know, Kirk.

And then...

invited us, and Barbara and I pulled up, and I saw her in the driveway.

And I do not say this because we all struggle in life to attain success.

And I pulled up in the driveway, and I saw a Rolls Royce, and it said FAS1.

And I got all excited. I said, Barbara, that's his car!

What a night!

Frank Sinatra's here!

My wife said, pull yourself together.

I mean...

For God's sake, don't be an idiot. Pull yourself together.

You have all his albums. What are you going to do, go crazy?

I mean, working with 12 people, not stars. I figured you would see Gregory

Peck's, Charlton Heston's, that's cool.

There was Harry Dickman, Saul Katz, Lou Ferco, Marco Don Bonanzo,

who I never asked what he did.

Figuring I could be in the bay going... Cheer

up, Kirk.

I said, Kirk, it's an exciting night. And with that, somebody tapped me on the

shoulder. And Dean Martin cherishes this man as I do. Because I got news. The

guy we're talking about, really, in my... I can only speak for myself. I

Dean would agree. He is like...

The thing, you know, it's like an image.

And the shoulder.

And the voice said, hey, Pally, how do you want the pizza?

Chris? Chris? Chris, pizza?

Pizza? Chris?

I said, uh,

what were you saying?

And he goes, in my new movie, these two people are coming up with a picture of

you. And the voice said, hey, come on, Pally, I'm asking you three times now,

how do you want the pizza?

And with one turn, with a drink in my hand.

I turned around. I said, will you stop bothering me, Frank? I'm talking to

people. I don't care how you make the pizza.

Thank you.

Thank you, thank you, Gene. You know, it's really a great honor to be chosen

of the week.

I don't know what I did to deserve this honor, but I promise you one thing, I

won't do it again.

The other day I asked Dean who was going to be on the day. He said Crosby.

Burns.

I thought he meant Bing and George and I got stuck with Norm and Jack.

Oh, and then there's Burns and Schreiber.

The finest comedy team since Haldeman and Erlichman.

Little, whose talent is only matched by his last name.

No. No, no, Rich.

No.

Rich, that was the best impression I've ever seen of Frank Rich.

No.

No, you know, seriously, seriously, a few months ago, I was watching Rich

with my boys on a television show.

And Rich Little was doing an impression of me.

And as I watched Rich Little, I tried to go along with the scene he was doing.

Something like, you know, those fat bellies with the big cigars. They can't

me. I can beat them. You know, I can beat them.

Now, I'm going along like this, and my son Peter turns around and says, Dad, he

can do you better than you.

Miss Lynn Anderson.

arose among these many thorns.

I want to thank you for showing that clip from Scallywag. And it's true what

heard. My wife, Ann, is the producer of Scallywag.

And as a result, Lorna Barrett gave out a headline story.

Kirk Douglas gets job by sleeping with producer.

What a night this has been. I haven't enjoyed myself so much since I had root

canal work.

I'm an orchid inside.

I'm a pretty lucky guy.

You know, show business, show business is a tough life.

Not many survive.

Look at these casualties.

thank my guest tonight and especially the guest of honor, our man of the week,

Kirk Douglas.

And in closing, Kirk, I just want to say we don't usually get stars of your

caliber on the show, but tonight we had to lower our standards.