All language subtitles for Dean Martin Johnny Carson (1973)

A Man of the Week!

Ladies and gentlemen, the Dean Martin
Comedy Hour presents a special one -hour

roast with tonight's guests.

Tom DeLuise.

Bob Newhart.

Joey Bishop.

Jack Demme.

Dionne Rollins.

George Burns.

Fred Fox.

Senator Darryl Goldwater.

Jonathan Winters, Rich Little, Luke
Buzzi, Betty Davis,

Scott Severinsen, Foster Brooks, George
Goldberg,

Martin Milne, Cliff Robertson, Kent
McCord,

Truman Capotes, your Roastmasters, Dean
Martin, and tonight's very special man

of the week, Johnny Parson.

Johnny Carson is a comedian who is seen
every night in millions of bedrooms all

over America.

And that's why his last wife left him.

She found out he gave a better
performance in those bedrooms than he

own.

Johnny's certainly come a long way in
this business.

He was born and raised on a farm outside
of Norfolk, Nebraska.

I know he's a real farm boy because last
night I saw him at the bar with a

couple of pigs.

However, Johnny was the pride of the
Carson family. Only once did he get into

trouble. They caught him stealing Yule
Gibbons' hickory nuts and selling them

the squirrels.

After appearing in some amateur shows,
he moved to Hollywood. I go right along,

you know that?

And he got started in television as the
host of a game show called Earn Your

Vacation. And it did. It earned him a
vacation for about five years.

He was so desperate, he played
nightclubs doing his ventriloquist act.

One night, someone stole his dummy, so
he got a new one, Ed McMahon.

Ed McMahon would have been here tonight,
but he's doing a commercial for

Budweiser.

Driving a team of Clydesdales. I don't
know why they need it.

You'd think six fat horses would be
enough.

A lot's going to be said about Johnny
tonight, but I just want to say one

He never met a wife he didn't like.

Nice to have George Burns with us.
George, really, you look so young. But

then... Sitting next to Jack Benny,
anybody would look young.

Nobody in our business knows how old
George is, and I don't think they care.

All I know... See, that wasn't on the
cue card. I read that last... All I know

is that he was the first man to ever
molest a girl in a Stanley Steamer.

A great comedian, Mr. George Burns.

Dean, I want to thank you for that
darling introduction.

It was short, but it was darling.

To show my appreciation, anytime you
want to go out with my sister Goldie,

be glad to fix it for you.

If you like older women, Goldie invented
it.

The nice thing about going out with
Goldie, Dean, is that you can't hurt

yourself.

Well, Johnny, this is your evening.

I want to tell you that I watch your
show practically every night.

11 .30, I turn on the set, lie in bed
with my clothes off, and we're very,

funny.

The other night, I came in kind of late,
and I watched you with my clothes on.

Somehow, you're funnier with my clothes
on.

think of it, I'm funny with my clothes
on.

But you know, it's not easy to be a
guest of honor.

You gotta sit here and be able to take
it.

Gotta listen to all these insults and
the terrible things they say about you

the intimate things they say about you
that you really resent.

But Johnny is a perfect guest of honor.

She sits here and he laughs.

The more you insult him, the harder he
laughs.

And if you get a real big laugh from
Johnny, I mean a big one, that means

never do a show again.

And you know, now take Jack Benny. You'd
think that he'd be a great guest of

honor. But he's not.

It's very hard to make him laugh.

And he's seen me with my clothes off.

That's my funniest bit.

But Johnny is a perfect guest of honor
because he looks so good.

He's always well -dressed.

Looks charming. He looks wonderful
sitting here at the table. He's very

under the table, too.

Well, Johnny has made me a fortune not
only in show business. He's now in the

clothing business.

Owns the company.

The cell's very hard, too.

Every time I meet him, he opens up his
coat. He says, feel my lining.

In my age, feeling red silk is very
exciting.

I wouldn't have a coat with red silk
lining.

Feeling red silk against my body, I'd be
afraid to dance with my sister Goldie.

I have to say a few words tonight, and
when I get home tonight, I'll certainly

watch the show and keep it clean.

I hate jumping up every minute to put my
clothes on.

Thank you, John.

Next, we have a brilliant writer and a
close friend of Johnny's, Mr. Truman

Capote. You all remember Truman's big
hit book, In Cold Blood.

That's the story of Johnny's second
divorce settlement.

Thank you.

Thank you, Mr. Martin. I'm very pleased
to be here tonight.

I've appeared on Johnny's show 28 times.
That's three times more than he has.

The Tonight Show is the most successful
talk show in history, so they say.

But what is a talk show?

It's very difficult to define.

A talk show is a show that crams 30
minutes of entertainment into 90.

A talk show is a show that allows a
family of 10 to go to the bathroom

a commercial break and not miss a thing.

I'm glad Doc Severson could make it
tonight.

No, that's my card.

I am glad Doc Severson could make it
tonight.

This is him and the weirdo with a horn,
Doc Severson.

Thank you very much, Dino, and thank you
very much, Truman.

I'm glad you could make it tonight.

I'm here tonight, ladies and gentlemen,
to salute a great man.

Johnny Carson is the kindest, warmest,
most wonderful human being that I've

known.

And as if that wasn't enough, he's
probably the greatest comedy genius

Charlie Chaplin.

Oh, hell, Johnny, I can't read this
stuff you wrote for me.

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Joey Bishop.

the two of us on the same show.

Dean, you're a phenomenon.

You look like Cary Grant and you smell
like Ed McMahon.

The shows we have to

do just to help you pay alimony.

And for this, I'm very grateful.

All of you must have wondered at one
time or another, why? Are we close

I have something on him.

You've heard of the Watergate cover -up?
I would now like to reveal the Johnny

Carson cover -up. Now, John, you may be
offended by this, but I think truth will

out.

Johnny Carson is Jewish.

Why he pretends not to be, why he's
ashamed of it is something I'll never

Nathan.

Well, that's his real name, Nathan
Margolis.

The next time you're watching the Johnny
Carson show, you know he reads the cue

cards, right? Look closely. You'll see
him reading them from right to left.

Then you see him advertising the Johnny
Carson suits, which happens to be the

real family business.

The whole family of tailors, lovely
folks. Don't be ashamed, John. It's your

own. up to what the hell.

Tell them your father and Sam and Ruth
Margolis, his mother and father.

And it was his ancestor, Chaim Margolis,
who made George Washington's uniform.

The matter of fact, an hour before the
show, and I thank you very much, Johnny

took these pants in for me.

We have many, many more guests. John,
don't be embarrassed

now.

You're a success.

You don't have to be embarrassed
anymore.

Now, my advice to you is, I know how
tired a crowd like this gets.

The minute I sit down, you get up, sing
one chorus of Havin' to Give, and let's

get the hell out of here.

all these terrible things about Johnny.

He came to my assistance one night
during a very sordid incident in Central

Park. I was struggling in the bushes
with this big, burly man with burning

eyes and hot breath when luckily Johnny
happened along and came to my assistance

and held the man down while I kissed
him.

Now, John, your personal psychiatrist,
Dr.

Kevin Bradshaw.

Thank you, Mr. Martin. I almost didn't
make it here tonight. I had an emergency

call to examine Ed McMahon's head.

Oh, better.

You know, Johnny Carson has the image of
being a swinger.

That is true.

We all feel that about him. But in
reality, he's not that at all.

I remember the first time he came to my
office and I said to him,

Johnny, I would like you to lie down on
the couch.

And he said that he wouldn't do it
unless I married him first.

I tried a word association test and I
told him to say the first thing that

into his mind.

And I said, three.

He said, sex.

I said, turpentine.

He said, sex.

I said, pretzel.

He said, sex.

I said, girl.

He said, chair.

I said, chair.

He said, I gotta rest sometime.

Realizing that I could do no more for
him, I simply said, that'll be $20. He

said, sex.

I'm glad Bob Newhart found time to drop
in because he's so busy with his own

TV show. Incidentally, Bob, I saw your
show last Saturday, but under very bad

conditions. My set was turned on.

And my very witty friend, Mr. Bob
Newhart.

I hope I don't repeat anything someone
else has said about Johnny, but I fell

asleep.

But continuing our trip down memory
lane, Johnny, as you all know, Johnny

are good friends. He gave me one piece
of advice outside of Sneaky Pete on

Sunset Boulevard.

About 4 o 'clock in the morning, Johnny
turned to me and said,

made into a saying that I can put on my
bedroom wall.

See, now, I decided not to go to their
stuff, but now I'm beginning to wonder.

That's the biggest one on that page,
yeah.

Some of you may not know this. Johnny's
first wife was named Joan.

Second wife was Joanne. His present wife
is Joanna.

Uh, the man, the man just won't go for
new towels.

Ladies and gentlemen, Louisa Murray.

As you know, I've appeared on The
Tonight Show many times.

And it's always been a wonderful
experience.

Everybody connected with the show has
been so kind to me, like Ed McMahon.

If it wasn't for Ed, I never would have
been on The Tonight Show.

He was the one who set up the audition
for me at 2 a .m. in Johnny's apartment.

he offered to give me a free
examination.

And of course, Johnny himself, he's
always so complimentary.

I remember the very first time he saw
me, he said, what a peach.

Or was it a pear?

Gentlemen, that I'm sure you'll
recognize, the producer of the Tonight

Freddy DeCordova.

Freddy's a man you've known for many
years, and you treat him just like your

father. You ignore him.

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Freddy
DeCordova.

Thank you, Dean. Thank you very much.
Johnny, I'm Fred DeCordova.

The producer, you know.

It's good to see Joey Bishop on the day
of tonight.

We are very, very close.

Joey calls me every morning and says,
Hi, Fred, is Johnny sick today?

I

must

say this about Johnny, though. He never
forgets a friend.

But then he's only got to.

His lawyer and Ed McMahon.

Right

now,

Johnny, I feel like Ralph Edwards
because the next man I'm going to

somebody out of your past.

Remember when you were a kid in public
school?

back in Norfolk, Nebraska.

Well, here's one of your old classmates,
Mr. Willis Mumford.

What's the reason? I just feel like a
fool in these coveralls.

Arnold Stebler drove me around in a semi
-truck for the past 15 hours, and he

said we were supposed to meet down at
the barn, and it was a surprise for you

there.

I just want to tell you this. The
guys...

The guys feel different about you.

If you was to come home now, they'd just
beat the life out of you.

So don't come back to Norfolk right
away.

I remember, you know, I guess you do
too.

At the high school, you know, Johnny
was, he started out, he was in all kinds

things. He was in everything.

He, one thing he wanted to be more than
anything, he used to tell me, I was

one of his best buddies at the time, and
him and me would go out into an open

field, and we'd just look up and talk to
one another and everything, and he

says, you know what, I'd rather be more
than anything in the world is a

magician.

And so he started magic, and he'd give
himself a name, the Great Carsoni.

And he thought on that real hard.

And so he'd take a little, we didn't
have no

bunnies, and so he took a squirrel and
dyed it white.

And pulled it out, you know, and the
people go, that's a white squirrel.

The fact that you've been able to make
two wives disappear.

You take care of yourself.

Everyone knows

Mrs. Miller.

She's the lady who's been in the
audience for every one of...

Jack Parr's TV shows. Well, Johnny has a
similar fan, and he's never missed a

Tonight Show in 11 years. Would you all
please welcome Mr.

Foster Brooks.

Hiya, Johnny.

I thought they were there for a while.

They weren't going to get to me.

I'm not saying it's been a long evening.

When I sat down at the dance, I didn't
need a shave.

more smashed than usual tonight.

Yes, friends, I can remember being in
the audience for the very first

tonight's show.

I was rolled.

I was rolled.

Some yo -yo tied my shoestrings
together.

And I might say I've been there ever
since.

I was there the night he told Billy
Graham he

loved his crackers.

And the night he introduced Ed McMahon's
wife as Ed McMoman.

Oh, oh.

And I was there the night when he asked
Marcello Mastroianni

if innuendo was the Italian name for

Preparation H.

Willie Shoemaker, the jock, the jockey.

I was the night that Willie Shoemaker,
the jockey, was there and told Johnny he

weighed only 92 pounds soaking wet.

He told him that's what he gets for
standing under his horse.

Our next guest is the lovely Miss Dionne
Warwick. She's doing real well.

She's got a plantation down south where
she raises colored cotton and has white

folks pick it.

Ladies and gentlemen, a great singer,
Miss Dionne Warwick.

Thank you, Dean.

You know, I've been on The Tonight Show
many, many times.

And I'll always remember the first time
because after the show, Johnny took me

out to dinner.

Now you'd think dinner with Johnny
Carson would be witty, fun -filled,

glamorous.

Wrong.

Dull city.

All he kept saying to me all night long
was, I'm funnier than Cabot, aren't I?

I finally got fed up and I asked him to
take me home. On the way, we drove up

Mulholland Drive.

We parked. Johnny turned to me.

Then Ed McMahon stuck his head in the
car window and yelled, Hi -oh!

I got bored and walked home.

But I can honestly tell you, Johnny,
that evening was just as thrilling as

Ladies and gentlemen, the multi
-talented Rook Twiddle.

Oh, that's very nice to see, even if you
can't see me.

Oh!

Joey, you were great as usual.

And Jack, what can I say?

George, you hold the cigar in the wrong
hand.

And Truman, now I know...

No, shut

up.

Now I know why you're a writer.

You know...

As an impersonator, I get to study a lot
of people.

And Johnny Carson is the hardest voice I
ever went after.

And I'll tell you why.

The man is definitely not well.

He has 22 nervous inflictions.

22 of the wildest mannerisms I've ever
come across.

Now here is a list of...

Johnny's manners.

Stiff back, fixing tie knot, looking
around, hands out to side, hands behind

back, hands in pocket, right hand in
back of left, right hand hitting palm of

left. Cut off sign, finger under eye,
finger under nose, finger full.

Finger in air, fixed cuffs, head snap
with small groan, blinking,

Indian yell, pencil banging on ashtray,
rubbing eyes with one hand, Steve

Allen's laugh, golf swing, and Jack
Benny's number two look.

Now, I don't know what all these
mannerisms mean. I mean, maybe to a

can't hear, they take on a whole other
meaning.

But I do know that the number that he
does...

depends on the laugh.

Now, I'll show you what I mean.

Over the past ten years, here's what
many consider to be Johnny's three best

jokes. Now, watch the mannerisms if the
joke doesn't work.

You love me tonight, but will you
respect me in the morning?

Hey, how about this weather we're having
out here in California? Isn't it wild?

Isn't it wild?

Isn't it something?

It was so windy.

It was so windy.

Now, don't rush the bit here.

It was so windy in California today.

Are you ready for this? Are you ready
for this biggie? It was so

windy. It was so windy while Doc was
helping Tommy Newsome chase his

kite. He lost all the feathers off his
raincoat.

May the sewers of Rangoon back up into
your breakfast.

We've got another three hours coming
your way, folks, so stay with us, and

be right back.

Friends and admirers couldn't be here
tonight, so they sent some wires, and

like to read them to you.

The first one says, Dear Johnny, sorry
to hear you're having so much trouble

with your golf game.

Everyone keeps telling me that Carson
will never come close to par.

Arnold Palmer.

Close to par. Arnold Palmer.

Dear Johnny!

You're always on the lookout for new
talent. In fact, you're the one

for making many of us what we are today
sign the unwed mothers of America.

Tonight, we are honored to have with us
Senator Barry Goldwater.

Recently, Barry has worked very hard for
prison reform.

That's because a lot of his Republican
friends are going to be there.

the distinguished candidate from the
state of Arizona, Senator Barry

Do you know anybody?

No.

Thank you, Dean.

These days when anyone joins an
organization, they're usually asked to

sort of an oath or a pledge.

Now, the notable exception to this is
Dean Martin, who has frequently tried

joining Alcoholics Anonymous, but has
never been sober long enough to remember

the pledge.

Recently, though, I was honored by being
offered the opportunity of substituting

for Johnny Carson during one of his many
vacations.

I'll say it was an honor which comes to
every American sooner or later. It's a

lot.

It's a lot like jury duty.

But before I accepted Johnny's producer
and for me, I would have to be sworn in.

According to form 7083644, which is your
basic

Tonight Show loyalty oath.

And I'd like to recite it to you now, if
I can remember it all.

I will obey all studio fire laws and
will refrain from using lit matches

highly inflammable objects such as Jaja
Gabor's feather boas, Alex Gassel's

toupee, or Ed McMahon's breath.

Unfortunately, Johnny, I never took this
oath because before administering it,

your producer asked me the trick
question.

Are you now a member of an organized
political party?

And I had to confess that I wasn't. I'm
a Republican.

Now is the brilliant actress and two
-time Academy Award winner, Miss Betty

Davis.

Johnny, Johnny, Johnny.

I can't tell you how much I enjoy The
Tonight Show.

I especially love it on those rare
occasions when you fill in for Joey

You know, Johnny, you provided the
inspiration for the title of one of my

One night in New York, I had a hotel
room right next to yours.

It was two in the morning, and the walls
were very thin.

And I heard you tenderly answer to
whomever it was you were with, hush,

sweet harlot.

Oh, Johnny, if I was 30 years younger,
you'd still be too skinny for me.

We've been playing cops on television
for the past six years, and it seems to

we should be able to do a little
detective work and figure out by the

elimination which one of these people is
Johnny Carson.

Yeah, that sounds like a good idea.

How about the one in the beige dress?

No,

I don't think Johnny Carson has a bosom.

How about the... How about the black
chick?

Oh, come on, Marty. Don't you know Mom's
naively when you see her?

That guy looks familiar.

Isn't he the one that makes up
everything as he goes along?

That's President Nixon?

I think he's a security guard.

Now, wait a minute. I've seen that guy
before.

He's the world's greatest impressionist.
Oh, so that's Frank Gorshin.

It's between two guys.

It's either the wino or the weirdo.

Well, you know, Marty, as Clark Gable
said, I'm gone with the wind.

Frankly, I don't give a damn.

I must

say

this before I go any further. Johnny is
partly responsible for me having my own

show because...

In a sense, he taught me how to act.
Because when I'd come on his show, I had

act like I'd been to his house for
dinner.

What gets me is how they have a big show
like Johnny Carson's and only spend $37

on the set.

Two crummy sofas.

Looks like the back of a Greyhound bus.

And believe me, I'm an expert on the
back of buses.

And did you ever see the way the dudes
dressed on that show?

Ed McMahon looks like the funny papers
after kids read it.

Doc Severinsen looked like a fire sale
on a push cart.

And Johnny dressed just like a pimp on
Sesame Street.

I don't know why you're laughing, Dean.

Here's the guy who passes himself off as
a great dresser. His tuxedo's so shiny,

if he tats it, you're going to have
seven years' bad luck.

But Johnny's operating under a handicap
tonight.

He's here without his token Irishman, Ed
McMahon.

That's Johnny's sidekick.

Every time he gets a laugh, Johnny kicks
him in the side.

I know Johnny NBC practices
discrimination.

They only gave me a half hour to make a
fool out of myself.

They gave you a whole week.

I knew white guys couldn't write for
spooks.

The night is young.

Jack Benny isn't.

But he's really amazing.

He pays no attention to birthdays. He
just keeps going.

Kraft was going to give him a show of
his own, but he aged before the cheese

did.

Ladies and gentlemen, the satchel page
of the world of comedy, Richard Jack

Benny!

June, I'd like you to know that I
canceled a proctologist's appointment

to be here tonight.

And I think I made a mistake.

There's a half a minute that's going to
be cut already.

Ladies and gentlemen, I must say it does
seem strange to be on this dais

honoring Johnny Carson because only a
few short years ago,

I was his idol.

And now he's my idol.

And for some reason or other, it was
more fun the other way.

Now, personally, I find it difficult to
say anything derogatory about Johnny.

But I also find it difficult to say
anything nice about him.

If I were to make one cogent comment
about Johnny, it would concern the

he made to me lately about his show.

Johnny said to me, you know, Jack,
millions of people lie in bed.

every night, and watch me.

And after I've entertained them for 90
minutes, they turn off the TV, and I'm

the last face they see that night.

Now, brother, how conceited can you get?

I do wish, though, you would do one
thing.

After the show tonight, wash that gray
out of your hair. You're not fooling

anybody.

Darling, we've got a big surprise for
you tonight.

Backstage is the woman with whom you
share your bed every night.

But before we bring her out, we thought
we'd bring out your wife.

Ladies and gentlemen, the lovely and
gracious Mrs.

Johnny Patterson.

Oh, thank you very much, Dean and
Johnny. I'm your most recent wife, just

case.

Johnny can be charming, and Johnny's
tender.

He's kind, he's thoughtful, and he's an
extremely considerate man.

And somehow I know that if I hang in
there, he will be.

And now it's time to hear from our man
of the week.

Ladies and gentlemen.

This has been quite an evening. It
really has. And, Dean, I thank you. You

great job as master of ceremonies.

Those remedial reading classes really
come along, don't they?

Dean, as you know, this year changed the
name of his show to the Dean Martin

Comedy Hour, which is similar to such a
change as the Forest Lawn Happy Burial

Ground.

I'm doing Rich Little.

I hope I don't get you at home doing
another one of my mannerisms, which is a

little weird.

I really am flattered that Senator Barry
Goldwater could be here tonight. He was

the only Republican who was out on bail.

But the Senator may have to leave early
tonight because he may be president at

any moment. He's next in line right
after Sammy Davis Jr.

But I thank you, Senator, for being
here.

You were even funnier tonight than you
were when you ran against Johnson.

Now, Bob Newhart is a very good friend
of mine.

And whenever I'm stuck with a bunch of
dull guests on The Tonight Show, I can

always count on Bob Newhart to run right
over and blend in.

What a thrill it was to see Martin
Milner here tonight.

Martin's 50 years old, still playing
juveniles.

You can't tell where his freckles leaf
off and his liver sparks.

Right.

What else?

All of those.

And, of course, I love your routine with
Kent McCord. You fellas have all the

comedy timing of the Cuban invasion.

I think it was very nice of my ex
-producer, Freddy DeCordova, to be here

tonight.

It's always wonderful to know that my
career is in the hands of a man who

directed such classics as Bedtime for
Bonzo and Bonzo Goes to College.

You should never trust a producer who
has a tire hanging from a rope in his

office.

Don DeLuise.

Cute.

Dimples.

Terrific smile.

cheerful personality, and if ever I have
a daughter, I hope she grows up to be

just like you all.

Now, it's apropos that Red is here
tonight because his ancestors originated

idea of roasting people.

And

what

would a day as be without Jack Benny and
George Burns?

Awake, that's what.

Jack wasn't himself tonight, I can tell,
because he didn't laugh when George

said good evening as he came in earlier.

But it's great to have, really, these
two great show business veterans.

Veterans in show business parlance is a
kindly euphemism for meaning they should

be in a home.

Not saying that Jack and George are out
of touch, but they both think that

uppers are dentures.

will remember this evening probably as
long as it takes me to get to my car.