Original subtitles

The Dean Martin Deliberating Roast, coming to you from the MGM Grand Hotel

the entertainment capital of the world, Las Vegas, Nevada.

Ladies and gentlemen, from the beautiful Ziegfeld Room, tonight's star -studded

roast has brought together some of the world's greatest entertainers. They've

come from all over the world to be here tonight.

here in Las Vegas, in person, joining Dean Martin as he honors tonight's very

special Woman of the Year, Joan Cullen.

With tonight's guests, Angie Dickinson, Gavin McLeod,

John Forsythe, John DeLuise, Ann Baxter, Bea

Arthur, Rich Little,

Milton Burroughs, Don Rickles, Phyllis Diller, Aaron

Spelling, Char Char Gabor, Red Button, and your Roastmaster,

Dean Martin, with tonight's Woman of the Year, Joan Pollan.

Tonight, we're all gathered here at the beautiful MGM Grand Hotel in Las Vegas

to roast one of television's most exciting and glamorous stars, Miss

Joan Collins.

Not only is our guest of honor a sex symbol, but she's beautiful, and that's

because she takes care of herself. No coffee, no fatty foods, and she only

has a cigarette.

after making love.

She's down to two packs a day.

She's even introduced her own line of blue jeans.

They're hard to get on, but easy to get off.

Now, there's a lot of pretty women around, but every guy in this country

love to date Joan.

Even George Burns tried, but she turned him down.

Because printed on his shorts, it said, Contents may cause

drowsiness.

Ladies and gentlemen, let's pipe him aboard, Mr.

Gavin McCloud.

As I look around, I think almost everyone on this day has been a

the love boat.

Of course, Joan has sailed with us many times, and you wouldn't believe how

popular she is all over the world.

In Trinidad, she was treated like a star.

In Acapulco, she was treated like royalty.

And in the Virgin Islands, she was treated like a total

stranger.

Dom, Dom DeLuise was scheduled for a cruise just last month.

Unfortunately, he had to cancel because of a tragic development in his love

life. His inflatable woman ran off with his spare tire.

And the wonderful Red Buttons has never sailed with it. But his wife told me

that Red's a lot like a cruise ship.

He's old, he's slow, and he only drops anchor once a year.

with this. It was an experience the crew and I will never forget.

The first afternoon at sea, we really found out just how sexy Joan Collins is.

She accidentally fell overboard and a shark swam up to her with a bottle of

champagne and a Sinatra record.

And after we arrived back in port, she was really something.

She got in line and went through customs where they gave her a strip search.

She got back in line six more times.

Joan, it was certainly an honor having you on the love boat.

Thank you very much.

Ladies and

gentlemen.

The fabulous Miss B.

Arthur.

Mother, I really, um, I don't know why I was invited this evening.

I mean, um, I've never met Joan Collins.

I realize that people assume, you know, that if you're an actress, you

automatically know everybody in show business, but, uh, that's just not the

case.

I mean, really, when would... When would I ever have an occasion to meet Joan

Collins? I haven't been to an orgy since 1946.

Of

course,

I do know all about Miss Collins.

Now, her show Dynasty is a tremendous hit. It's one of the highest rated shows

on television.

And I really believe... that a great part of that success can be attributed

Joan Collins' acting and her beauty and a general decline in American morality.

Now, really, I can't believe the things they get away with on television. You

know, shows like Dynasty or Falcon Crest, Dallas. I mean, it's amazing.

You know, Dean, when I was doing Maud, The spiciest thing that we ever got away

with was at breakfast once when Walter said to me, was it as good for you as it

was for me?

And he was talking about the crunchy granola.

Oh, God, how times have changed.

I yearn for the good old days when going all the way meant a hamburger with

everything on it.

I don't know what to think. I mean, the permissiveness of television is getting

out of hand. I mean, last week my TV guide came in a plain brown wrapper.

But to be fair, it's not just the soaps. I mean, it's just about every show on

television. You know, I saw one show last month.

I'll never forget, ever.

One of the characters was so ruthless that in order to gain control of an

estate, He perjured himself at a trial, sending his brother to prison, married

his brother's wife, he poisoned her, and then had an affair with the governess,

and then claimed that his uncle was the father of his illegitimate child.

And that was on Charlie Brown's Thanksgiving special.

I think that we are living in a permissive society.

An actress today can get away with anything.

But I must say that Joan Collins is not Alexis Carrington.

Now, that's just a part.

The real Joan Collins is a lovely person.

If we forget the fact that she's destroyed more homes than the San

earthquake.

No, but I think it's wonderful that she's so popular. And not just with men,

with women, even children. You know... She's already the inspiration for next

year's most popular toy, the cabbage bitch doll.

But I am not

here to knock her, no.

I say let her knockers speak for themselves.

I really shouldn't be talking this way about Joan.

I mean, she really is a sweet, lovely person.

I happen to know that when she was a young girl, she wanted to become a nun.

And then she got into other habits.

And even today, Joan is still deeply religious.

You know that she went to confession one Sunday not long ago and was held over

for three weeks?

But to be serious, Joan, I do admire you.

You are a gorgeous and talented lady, and it's been fun being here with you

tonight. You know, I'd really like to get to know you.

Tell you what, I'll give you my phone number. Will you call me? Better than

don't call me, have John Forsythe call me.

Oh, yeah, Mr.

Harper.

Just tonight, with his presence... You... You

took the last three words away.

Got a dinner, but here's a guy that certainly deserves one and I'm talking

mister button

Why

ladies and gentlemen are we giving?

This woman a dinner when some of the biggest people in the history of the

Never got a dinner

Joan Rivers, who said to Marcel Marceau, can we talk?

Never got a dinner.

Lee Iacocca of Chrysler, who said to Dolly Parton, why do you need an airbag?

Never got a dinner.

Captain Hook's mother, who said to Little Hook,

For God's sake, don't scratch it.

Long John Silver's wife, short.

That's right, Dino. Look at me. He was long, she was short.

Long John Silver's wife, who said to Long John, if the shoe fits, wear it.

who said to Phyllis Diller, you look weird.

Never got a dinner.

Joanna Carson, who said to Johnny, not so fast. How about the loose change in

your pocket?

Never got a dinner, never got the change.

Rip Bam Winkle, who said when he awakened,

into the bathroom.

Emmett Lazarus.

Yes, my friends, Emmett Lazarus, the guy, the guy who signed the inscription

the base of the Statue of Liberty. Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled

masses, but you'll have to pay the first month's rent in advance.

nothing but a raincoat and said, I will flash one if I land, two if I see.

You never got a gift.

Then this woman gets it done.

Clint Eastwood, sex therapist, who said to Clint, do it any

which way you can, but no sudden impact.

who said to Alexander on a wedding night, sorry, your three minutes are up?

Dr. Spock, who said never raise your hands to your kids, it leaves your groin

unprotected?

Ladies and gentlemen, a great comedian, Miss Phyllis Diller.

See, there's one thing that I must say about you. You know, he's always

impeccably dressed.

And I like that red handkerchief in your tux there. Cute. It was white before I

wiped his eyes.

And I've been doing some research on Joan, and I found some interesting facts

about her early life. Joan was very popular as a teenager.

She was 21 before she discovered that cars had front seats.

The morning her car was dead, she sat on the engine. It started.

She has white caps in her waterbed.

Fifteen husbands, four of our own.

Well, a lot of your friends and admirers couldn't make it here tonight, but they

sent some telegrams. Here's one from the Hotel Association of America.

3 ,000 hotel and motel owners have just voted you Miss Do Not Disturb of

1984.

Everyone from young Ricky Schroeder.

Thanks for sending me the Joan Collins coloring book.

What do I do now?

My crayons are melting.

Thank

you.

I just love him.

Oh, you know what he did last night? We went out to dinner, and he actually

asked the waiter what wine would go best with bourbon.

I'm delighted to be here to pay tribute to you, Joan.

I watch Dynasty all the time, and Joan, as Alexis Carrington, you've done more

than anyone to bring moral decay to the masses.

It's not surprising when Joan went to college, she was voted the most likely

succeed with anybody.

references made this evening to joan's recent layout and playboy and some

may have objected but as a layout i mean i'm sorry but as a layout it was very

good

so

we have a little surprise for you the photographer who did your layout they

asked me if i might be interested in doing a layout then i was talking to him

and he was so interesting about photographing models that uh we invited

be here tonight so direct from the studio we have pierre boulanger

now

i'm here to talk about playboy magazine which we all read they've got great

articles

And I loved your strategy. You look marvelous.

The only thing I can't understand, the ladies in the magazine, they're all

gorgeous, right?

Beautiful hair, the high heels.

Except that what they have to say doesn't make sense with the pictures.

They try and get very erudite or profound or philosophical.

The girl will come out and say, Hi, my name's Judy, and I'd like somebody to

know the real me.

life is all about.

Somebody who knows my wants and needs.

I just get icky when I hear Vivaldi.

I can't stand men who think that pretty girls don't have no brains.

My ambition is to always keep a cheer in my heart and a smile on my face.

That's all I had to say. Good night.

Ladies and gentlemen, the fabulous Mr.

Rich Little!

Gosh.

How do you like that?

The lush?

Congratulations on being such a superstar that you are.

Did you ever stop to think what your former husband, Anthony Newley, must be

saying every time he thinks about your success?

What can I do for him?

Oh,

how about other celebrities?

How about...

Jimmy Carter.

Hi.

Hot damn, it's good to be here.

of trouble again.

The lust is back in my house.

What about Jimmy Stewart?

Uh, uh, uh, John, I, uh, um, um, uh, you know, uh, uh, John

Collins and I never, uh, never, one out together.

We never were an idol.

It's too bad, Joan, because I think you would have liked me.

You see, I make love the same way I talk.

have a lot in common.

We're both famous for entertaining people in bed.

You know something?

In all the years I've been in Hollywood, I have never dated Joan Collins.

As a matter of fact, I've never even married her.

But I would like to date Joan Collins. As a matter of fact, I'd like to have a

little... intimate supper some night, Joan. Just the three of us, you, me, and

my lawyer.

George Burke.

Joan, I, uh, I love you.

As a matter of fact, just looking at you lights up my cigar.

Oh, incidentally, I took a look at that spread that you did in Playboy.

I got very, very excited.

The first page got my heart started.

The next eight pages got me started.

But I love looking at those pictures, you know, looking at those pictures in

Playboy.

For me, a lot like looking at pictures in National Geographic magazine.

Places I'm never going to visit.

But, Joan,

you know, I don't think you and I could ever become an item. I don't think that

we could ever become a twosome because there's an age problem.

Joan, I wish you were younger.

Ladies and gentlemen, the very lovely... Oh, what a lady.

And back to...

Thank

you, darling.

I am particularly pleased to be here tonight and to join in this tribute to

because I've always felt that...

As an actress, we have something in common.

You see, at varying times in our careers, we both discovered that playing

ladies is a lot more interesting than playing women who are virtuous and

upright.

In other words, if you want to grab the audience, it's fine to be a swine.

Now, I learned this quite a while ago.

in a classic Muslim picture called All About Eve, in which I, like

them, played the part of an ambitious, malicious woman who

would do anything to get the man she wanted.

You know, it's a crazy coincidence that the names of the characters sound alike.

She plays Alexis Carrington. I play Eve Harrington.

Carrington and Harrington.

Terrific vulnerability.

And oh... Oh, are we vicious.

Between the two of us, we have buried three husbands.

Two of them are still alive.

Joe, keep up the good work, or should I say, the bad work.

You know, evil fell backwards.

They'll live.

And now,

it's time to introduce Mr. Warm.

Don Rickles.

When he checked into the hotel today, he bit the MGM lion.

The crowd is really exciting tonight. To be here for Joan Collins, my favorite

star.

You know, Dean, I must say, from the bottom of my heart, we've known each

a lot of years, and I'll tell you the truth. It's over.

Gavin McLeod is a great star. He's one of my favorite performers.

In fact, I watch Low Boat every night.

You believe that? You're nuts. I use it as a nightlight when I fool with the

wife.

Ann Baxter, what a marvelous star.

She is a great actress. I watched her with Tyrone Power in a picture called

My Wagon Train.

Bless you, darling. You're a magnificent actress and I love you.

Have you watched Hotel?

All people in heat. Constant in heat.

Everybody's a weirdo.

I want to check in. I want to check in.

Give him the keys, wash up, and get the show off. That's right.

Don DeLuise, what a great star.

Bless your heart, Don.

You get any heavier, we're going to put cords on your can and put you in the

Macy parade.

Red Button, bless your heart, an Academy Award winner.

Unfortunately, the public hasn't accepted that.

Phyllis, you have a beautiful body.

You really do.

You're the only one I know that swims in a beautiful lagoon and sharks go, oh.

Joan, you're a stunning star today. The star of Dynasty.

Is it Dynasty?

I took a wild guess.

And I want to tell you the truth. I've seen the pictures in Playboy.

I love you when you're dressed.

No, I'm being cruel. You're a lovely star.

I remember you so many years ago when you said to me when I first opened in

Slate Brothers in California, you went, little boy.

I was going to roast my old friend Joan.

I was so excited I went out and bought a microwave oven.

I want to tell you something you might not know about Joan.

Did you know that she writes a syndicated column that appears in

over England?

She gives advice on love, romance, and how to make love.

Her column runs every week in the papers like this. I brought it along.

From London.

Here's a letter from a young lady.

When a girl breaks up her engagement, does she have to give back the ring?

General, I both agree.

By all means, you must give back the ring.

But please keep the stone.

Someone is getting married.

Dear Miss Collins.

Do you think it's right to have sex before marriage?

John says it's right to have sex before marriage and after marriage, but not

during the ceremony.

With us tonight is the distinguished actor who plays Blake Carrington, the

powerful and aggressive oil tycoon on Dynasty.

He's a man who time and time again has given us many memorable moments on

television, motion pictures, and on the Broadway stage. Ladies and gentlemen,

it's my pleasure to give you Mr.

John Forsythe.

When I came here this evening, I expected to hear this day a shower our

the year with honors, tributes, and praise.

Well, I've heard Tip O 'Neill say nicer things about President Reagan.

I think it's time someone rose to defend Joan from all these vicious attacks,

and as her colleague on Dynasty, I feel honor -bound to take that role.

Just let me begin by saying that practically everything you've heard here

tonight has been a fabrication.

That means a lie, Dean.

Oh.

As I look at our guest of honor, it suddenly occurs to me that I put myself

a peculiar position.

I'm defending a woman who would be much more fun to attack.

But I must halt this unending stream of prevarications.

That also means a lie, Dean.

I'm still working on fabrication.

You red buttons.

You dare malign this woman, you scarlet squirt and one -skin with a motor mouth.

That's why you'll never get a dinner.

Just like Vincent Van Gogh, who said, I like the hat, but it keeps sliding over

my ear.

And he never got a dinner.

Yes, you should all be ashamed for having the audacity to abuse this

party. By the way, hasn't been to an innocent party in years.

Gavin McCloud, how dare you insult this slip of a girl?

Who incidentally looks like dynamite. You tell him.

Now, you may be the captain of the love boat, but tonight your monologue was

like the Titanic.

It went right to the bottom.

Joan, I don't know whether I can repair the damage that has been done to you

tonight by these terrorists and tuxedos.

But I want everyone to know that this dazzling lady sitting here is deserving

much better than she's received. And I, for one, offer her accolades.

I say this because I work with her, and I know her to be a trooper and an

unselfish team player.

And if I don't say it... So, we all know.

The gentleman I'm about to introduce is one of the most prolific producers that

television has ever known, Mr.

Aaron Spelling.

Welcome, Dean.

Joan, I'm sure you're overwhelmed by all this. I know I am.

Distinguished deist, most enthusiastic audience.

Well, I'm sure television hadn't seen this much excitement since Merv Griffin

did a salute to Pia Zadora.

I must admit I was a little apprehensive when we first signed Joan for Dynasty.

I mean, being such a big star, we were afraid she might always be late, not

her lines, and scream about the wardrobe, the hairdressing, and the

Well, I want to be the first to tell you that Joan has never been late.

In closing, Joan, I'd just like to say that you're the nicest thing that has

come over from England since the London Bridge and the Queen Mary.

I love you, Joan.

Thank you, Dean.

A new Joan will be happy to know...

that my very good friend Burt Reynolds just bought a screenplay for you, and he

wants you to be his leading lady.

I'd like you to meet the man who wrote the movie, the internationally known

Italian screenwriter, Signor Dominic Villarrealentos.

Buongiorno, Dino!

Oh, buongiorno, Las Vegas!

Arrivederci, Cash.

Oh, Miss Collins.

I got something to tell you. Oh, no, no. That's Miss Collins. Oh, over there.

You know Miss Collins. No, I'm her brother, Tom.

There's Miss Collins. Oh, that's Miss Collins. Oh, that's much better. The

scene's going to work much better this way.

Now, wait a minute. Is this going to be... An X -rated movie? Yes, it's X

because we use all our ex -husbands.

In the first scene, you are standing with your lover in the Via Veneto and

are feeding the pigeons.

Be very careful with the pigeons because you might get a disease.

Why, why, why? They carry a pigeon.

Now I take you to the Sistine Chapel where you see the beautiful paintings of

Michelangelo on the ceiling.

She's already seen a million feelings.

This is a story very exciting because you fall in love with a man who's

and has five kids.

Vincenzo, Nunzio, Mario, Angelo, and Irving.

Irving? Irving is adopted.

Now comes the love scene.

Dean, a little music for the love scene.

We could make believe.

We're married.

Excuse me, Dean. Wait.

Don't you know any Italian sonatas?

Frank sonatas?

John, you walk into a restaurant and there's a hundred women.

Everybody looking at you.

Because you're naked.

You got nothing on but a napkin.

Yes, and the waiter comes to you and says, what do you have? And you say, I

have the veal pizzaioli.

And Bert orders the sausage.

We don't like your pizza, you.

So you grab the sausage.

Everybody looking.

You got a grip on it.

And he says, give me my sausage. You say, no.

And then the waiter says, wait.

Let me bring you something.

Our house specialty.

And you say, what is it? You taste it. You say, this is rotten.

This is tasteless. He says, that's why we call it veal a la Alexis Carrington.

Milton Berle and myself, we've been friends for over 30 years, and there's a

reason for it. Mostly bad luck.

Mr.

Milton Berle.

Thank you.

Can't tell you what a thrill it's been all evening sitting next to Zsa Zsa

Gabba.

Talking to me and telling me every moment, I feel like a new man.

I, uh... Tonight, we are honoring Joan of

Arc. Joan Collins, the star of Dynasty.

It has everything. Incest, adultery, wife -swapping, lesbianism.

And that's just in Joan's dressing room.

You know, it's good to see one of my favorite actors, Gavin McLeod, who just

had a charisma bypass.

And Gavin McLeod is not

the most exciting man in the world.

Once while he was filming Love Boat, he fell overboard and started to drown, and

his whole life flashed in front of him, and he fell asleep.

Rich Little, good looking. You're so good looking tonight. What the hell?

Sitting next to Dilla, anyone would look good.

Aaron Spelling is with us tonight.

Aaron Spelling is more than a friend.

He's a total stranger.

Don Rickles is to comedy what Orson Welles is to pole vaulting.

Not many people know this, but Don Rickles has invested in the clothing

business. He's coming out with a new line of Don Rickles sports shirts.

On the pocket, there's an alligator eating his mother.

Nancy Dickinson, honey, you look beautiful. And those policewoman reruns

great. My favorite part is when you're making an arrest.

Nothing turns me on more than watching a big bust.

And now I've got to talk about a guest of honor.

I, uh... Mind you, I've got to get a new set of tires.

about Joan.

Joan has been married three times.

Now she just leases.

In fact, the towels in her home are marked hers and next.

In England, she used to be an exotic dancer.

And just last week at a benefit, she did the dance of the virgins from memory.

And Joan, your dear friend Linda Evans is going to be here tonight.

until she heard we were honoring you.

And now, it's time to introduce our guest of honor.

A lady whose success is no accident.

She combines grace, beauty, and talent.

Now, for one hour every week, She makes people forget the trials and

tribulations of living in this modern world by transporting us to a

fantasy world, a world of adventure, excitement, and high style.

For that, we are all grateful. Your Alexis Carrington is a classic.

And, dear lady, so are you.

Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Joan Collins.

ladies and gentlemen thank you all the members of the dais or dais and before I

can say anything I'd like to thank you Dean for the beautiful gorgeous flower

arrangement that you sent to my room just one single perfect rose in an empty

Jack Daniels bottle this has certainly been a long evening if you watch

Dynasty I think this is the longest time that I've ever gone without changing

clothes

Come with me a cultural day.

I expected Sir Laurence Olivier, Helen Hayes, Richard Burton, Sir John Gielgud.

Oh, what do I get? Red Buttons, Milton Bell, Phyllis Diller. The only one

missing is Benny Hill.

Well, you certainly all gave me a working over. I always thought that

bitchy on Dynasty until I heard you people talking about me tonight.

Be Arthur.

I really enjoyed your dissertation on morality.

It seems that everyone these days is concerned about loose morals and sexual

permissiveness. But I'll tell you one thing, Bea. It makes for a great party.

See, I'm sure that there are more things, there are some things that are

important in life than sex.

But what?

Rich little, there you are.

I adore your impressions, and I imagine that your wife does, too.

How lucky for her.

Every night when you go to bed, she says, Rich,

do your Tom Selleck.

I'm Phyllis.

Phyllis Diller, impeccably dressed as always.

Her dress looks like Yassir... with sheets with sequins.

I never expected to see Don Rickles here.

Last night, he came down with a case of food poisoning.

He bit his tongue.

And, Don DeLuise, I'm so happy for you. You've been really, really busy.

Don has made ten movies in the last two years, and he has such great taste, he

never saw one of them.

And Angie Dickinson.

What a great pair.

I'd like to rephrase that.

I just want to say thank you for coming, and I do. I love both of you. We'll

talk later.

Dear John Forsythe, who plays my ex -husband on Dynasty, as Alexis, I'm not

all jealous that Blake and Crystal have been married again.

In fact, I'm going to buy you both the most beautiful wedding present, a

condominium in Beirut.

If it weren't for you, I'd be a celebrity judge on Dance Fever.

To all of you talented people on the dais, you have the depth of my gratitude

spite of the roasting.

My love for life remains constant.

It's a beautiful world we live in. I love the mystery of the universe.

Sometimes I stand in my garden at night and I look up at the sky.

And as I stand there looking up into the...

infinite distance of measureless vastness and I see that incredible

empty space.

I am faced with that one eternal question.