All language subtitles for Dean Martin Jimmy Stewart

The Dean Martin Celebrity Roast, coming
to you from the MGM Grand Hotel in the

entertainment capital of the world, Las
Vegas, Nevada.

Ladies and gentlemen, from the beautiful
Siegfeld Room, tonight's star -studded

roast has brought together some of the
world's greatest entertainers. They've

come from all over the world to be here
tonight. Here in Las Vegas, in person,

joining Dean Martin as he honors
tonight's very special man of the hour,

Stewart.

With tonight's guests,

June Allison, Lucille Ball,

Greer Darson, Red Button, Senator Barry
Goldwater,

Lawanda Page, Henry Fonda, Eddie Albert,

Foster Brooks.

George Burns, Tony Randall, John
Rickles,

Rich Little, Janet Lee, Milton Berle,

Jesse White, Orson Welles, Nicky Rooney,

and your Roastmaster, Gene Martin.

With tonight's man of the hour, Jimmy
Stewart.

Here this man is at.

He first starred in pictures during that
golden era of handsome leading men.

Jimmy, there's very few of your kind
left. Just you, Xavier Cougat, Lawrence

Welk.

He's shy.

Last week back in Hollywood, he was
having lunch with Dolly Parton, you

when the waitress said, what?

would you like in your coffee? He said,
nothing. He was too shy to say, two

lumps.

I don't know of a nicer guy than him.
He's the only person I know who would

interrupt an orgy to ask if anybody
wanted coffee or cake, you know.

Last night I took Jimmy. to see
Hallelujah Hollywood here at the MGM

dancer came out topless so Jimmy ran up
on the stage and tried to cover her up

with his hat.

Fortunately, he has a small head.

At the hotel here, he has the room next
to mine.

And I know every time Jimmy is in a
romantic mood because I can hear his

Gloria snoring.

horse sold every night his wife makes
him take out the garbage and he lives in

hotel there's a

statue of Jimmy Stewart in the Hollywood
wax museum and the statue talks better

than he does

is most recently the Golden Award on the
Agva Entertainer of the Year show.

He started making America laugh on TV 30
years ago, and they haven't stopped

since. Ladies and gentlemen, the
wonderful Mr. Milton Berle.

Thank you. What a night. What a night.
What a night. What a night.

Thank you very much.

Gino, I spoke to your doctor. It's okay,
you're still alive.

Tonight, ladies and gentlemen, we are
honoring Jimmy Stewart, a man who has

brought a new meaning to the word
valium.

That's a smile, Jimmy.

You look like a bastard hound who forgot
what...

This darling of the menopause set has
been a giant in Hollywood for 40

years. When he walked through the MGM
gates, starlets would follow him all

the lot.

And now, years later, he still has the
girls following him, but he can't

remember what for.

Today, this man is a sex symbol for
women who no longer care.

is a big star. He won an award for his
great performance in Mr. Smith Goes to

Washington, but he still doesn't know
anything about politics.

Really, I asked him, I said, what he
thought of Tungsten Park?

And he said, it's nice, but they should
put in more benches.

And now, who can forget his great
performance in Rear Window?

Who can forget it?

Everybody.

Remember when you were in that western
where you saved that girl from the

Indians and then you pulled out your gun
and shot three guys who were coming at

you from both sides?

You remember that?

You're full of bull. That was Randolph
Scott.

Slowing up, slowing up.

He takes vitamin E and his wife takes
iron pills.

So when he's ready, she's rusty.

Jimmy, look at me, baby. You should be
very proud tonight. Look at all these

great stars who showed up in your honor.
Mickey Rooney, who still looks like the

boy next door to the motion picture
home.

and she's very big in real estate. She
moves into rich neighborhoods and starts

ghettos.

Jesse Whitey, I mean Whitey.

Sorry, LaWanda told me to say it that
way.

Tony Randall, who always has an
expression on his face like he's

leak.

Remember, Henry, when you were 21 and
you were a matinee idol?

Today, one matinee.

George Burns, what a lover.

His pacemaker is acting up, though,
every time he sneezes his garage door

Senator Goldwater, I want to ask you,
why is everybody picking on Jimmy

He hasn't done anything.

You know,

the dictionary defines funny as... a
comical droll or a provoking laughter.

Our next guest fits all of those
definitions and more.

Ladies and gentlemen, the first lady of
television.

You got to hesitate when you say her
name because she is the first lady.

Miss Lucille Ball.

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

And thank you, Dean.

Thank you very much. I'm very proud to
be here this evening honoring my good

friend Jimmy Stewart.

I've been Jimmy's neighbor for over 15
years, and I know him as a shy,

home -loving man.

That's why I'm shocked that he's even
here tonight. I've never seen him up

late.

Hey, every morning you can find Jimmy
out in back of his house where he has

beautiful, wonderful, sensational
vegetable garden.

And you know, he is so gentle, he can't
bear to hurt a thing. He doesn't even

spray the destructive insects.

Truth. I saw him on his hands and knees
lecturing a snail.

Thoughtful and considerate neighbor.

In order not to disturb anyone, he has
his New Year's Eve party at 2 .30 in the

afternoon.

In July.

Things are so quiet around his house,
the city made it an honorary hospital

zone.

He's always been like that.

Even in the early days when we started
in pictures together, he told me that

idea... of a romantic evening with soft
lights, sweet music, and champagne.

No girl, just soft lights, sweet music,
and champagne.

Let me put it this way.

Next to Jimmy Stewart, Fred McMurray is
electrifying.

Jimmy is so moral.

He's the only man I know who goes into
the confession booth and can't think of

thing to say.

He has to borrow somebody else's sins to
show you what I mean.

As somebody just said, we arrived in
Vegas last night and we went to see a

and it turned out to be a nude review.

And while the naked girls were dancing
on stage, Jimmy kept nudging me, asking,

when does the juggler come on?

All the years I've known Jimmy Stewart,
I've found one thing to be true.

He's just the same now as he was before
he became a star.

A decent, warm -hearted, wonderful guy.

I adore you, James.

The Bluefield Ball, ladies and
gentlemen.

It is a pleasure to introduce an old
friend, the popular senator from

Arizona.

Thank you,

Dean.

Thanks for inviting me to share this
evening with our mutual friend Jimmy

Stewart. And let me tell you, it's cold
in the east.

Billy Carter is very impressed with the
annual snowfall in Buffalo.

Three months, three months each year,
it's the only city with a head on it.

I just forgot so bad the other night in
Washington there was a little nip in the

air and Dean Martin drank it.

all over the country keep talking about
legalizing gambling.

And I thought we already had it. It's
called Election Day.

And speaking of losers, the last time I
saw Dean and Jimmy Stewart together,

they were in my home state of Arizona.

They came over there to make a movie
they called Bandolero.

And in the movie, Dean and Jimmy were
lost in the desert. The horses were

their lips were parched, their tongues
were swollen, and they crawled up to a

waterhole. And that's when the director
said, cut, and called in Dean's stuntman

to drink the water for him.

I've always respected Jimmy Stewart for
his patriotism.

and also because he's a very concerned
citizen.

And Jimmy, in response to your sincere
interest, I'm happy to tell you that the

Senate has just drafted a new anti
-crime bill.

Unfortunately, on the way to the House,
it was stolen.

Jimmy, again, it's been a long time
since Mr.

Smith goes to Washington.

And from where I sit, it seems that
things have changed a bit in Congress.

We can see much more clearly now. For
one thing, nobody has to sit behind

Abzug in her hat anymore.

And after all these years in Washington,
I now realize what it takes to become

the president.

Apparently it helps to have a brother
who sits at a gas station drinking beer

all day.

I was campaigning in that razor -thin
election in 1964,

I should have told everyone that Dean
was my brother.

Jimmy and I share many interests.

We are both pilots and aviation
enthusiasts.

Thank you.

In fact, this year is kind of an
anniversary for Jimmy.

Fifty years ago, Jimmy made his first
airline flight across the country.

and just last week they delivered his
missing letter.

Jimmy's too much a modest man to talk
about his exploits during World War II,

but I'd like you to know Jimmy's
entitled to wear 12 different medals,

the coveted Distinguished Flying Cross,
and he's here tonight without any of

those medals. He left them all at home,
pinned on his pajamas.

It's been both a pleasure and a
privilege to be with you two tonight.

For in you, and I say this with some
bias, can be found some of the

qualities, Jim, of three of our great
Republican presidents, Abraham Lincoln,

Calvin Coolidge, and Gerald Ford.

And by that I mean you're tall and lanky
and a man of few words and a rotten

golfer.

You know, there's an old saying that
behind every man's success is a woman.

Our next guest has known Jimmy Stewart
from the very beginning of his career.

She served as his inspiration. She
encouraged him, supported him, and her

belief in his talents are responsible
for what he is today.

Here she is, the epitome of femininity,
Miss Gladys Armstead.

You can't fool me with your phony
flattery.

I know your type.

You are the type who thinks that women
are just toys.

If I wind you up, you'll go away, won't
you?

I am the woman who made his career
possible.

The one who had undying faith in his
future.

And do you know what this undying faith
is?

bosom swelled with pride.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I was a pom
-pom girl.

couldn't be here tonight.

Boy, they're lucky.

So they sent some wires, and here's one.

Dear Mr.

Stewart, sorry we could not work you
into our TV series playing your

but you must realize the high
professional standards we maintain.

Signed, The Gong Show.

Here's one from Jimmy Stewart.

From Jerry Stewart.

It says, Dear Dean, when do I go on? I'm
getting sleepy.

It's a telegram from the Vice President
of the United States. I didn't like the

way the invitation was addressed.

At the Vice President's mansion, I am
listed as Fritz Mondale, not occupant.

Here's one from...

all the members of the dais. Had we
known that we could have sent telegrams,

wouldn't have been here.

And the last minute I laughed. I don't
care what anybody says, Jimmy. I love

way you talk. I'm a porky pig.

Nobody knows.

like a leading lady.

So we invited a lovely lady who was one
of Jimmy's co -stars at MGM, ladies and

gentlemen, a wonderful, most respected
actress, the beautiful Miss June Allen.

Oh, I'm very happy to be here tonight,
especially for Jimmy.

But really, I think you're honoring the
wrong person.

It's Jimmy's wife, Gloria, who deserves
to be honored.

And I think I'm entitled to say this,
because I played Jimmy's wife in many

movies. We were married so many times
that when they rerun our old movies, I

don't get residuals.

I get alimony.

In every picture we made, I was the wife
Jimmy left behind.

In the Glenn Miller story, he traveled
with his band.

And in the Stratton story, he was always
playing baseball.

And he was overseas in Strategic Air
Command.

And the only time anyone got to see me
on screen was when I got to read a

letter.

You know, I didn't really have a
husband.

I had a pen pal.

another story. I was always home
worrying that Jimmy might have an affair

sexy band singer.

Well, you could hardly blame me.

Who knew Doris Day would turn out to be
a virgin?

Well, I will say this.

Jimmy took his acting very seriously.

When we made the baseball picture, the
Stratton story, Jimmy ate, drank, and

slept baseball.

He didn't win an Academy Award as a ball
player, but he did receive an honor, an

honor that thrilled him even more.

He got to get his picture on a bubble
gum card.

If for nothing else, you have to love
Jimmy for being such a quiet and mild

-mannered person.

And nobody was more surprised than I.

when Jimmy became a bomber pilot in
World War II,

Gloria tells me even today he can still
handle a B -36 and a B -47.

Not the airplanes, the vitamins.

But when I count my blessings, I'll
always remember how fortunate I was to

with the talented stars at Metro.

But I never met a more talented or a
nicer man or one I love so very much

Jimmy Stewart.

It's with pride I introduce our next
guest, a brilliant actor and truly one

the... All -time greats, ladies and
gentlemen, Mighty Mick himself.

Mr. Nick DeRuwe.

Jimmy, ladies and gentlemen, I'm not
standing in a hole down here.

But I want to thank you, Dean, for the
very nice introduction. I'm very happy,

needless to say.

To be here for the great Jimmy Stewart.
Because I happen to be a good friend of

his. I'm not sure, however, that he's a
friend of mine.

Every time I walked past him backstage,
he was singing short people.

Short is beautiful. For one thing, I get
a lot more out of dancing.

with Raquel Welch than you do.

I happen to know that he had another
problem, Mr. Stewart did.

He had to go through life with a
terrible handicap.

You see, he's half Irish and half Scot,
and half of him wants to get drunk and

the other half doesn't want to pay for
it.

Despite of his many problems, he did
become what we call a real superstar.

And if Jimmy liked you, if he liked you,
you knew that you had it made.

I made it with wardrobe mistresses,
makeup ladies,

married four starlets, two of them I

didn't make it with.

Yes, I have never denied going out with
the ladies, though, Mr. Stewart.

But that was just a phase, you might
say, friends.

It lasted for about 30 or 40 years.

I'll tell you, Dean, Jimmy had some
leading ladies who were actually what we

call beauties.

He even made a movie with one of my ex
-wives.

Who hasn't?

Look, I could have stayed married to one
woman, but I wanted a second opinion.

Jimmy was such a square.

You want to know how much of a square
Mr. Stewart was? How much of a square

he? He had a crush on a girl in one of
his movies.

The producer said to Jimmy, Jimmy, you
can use my casting couch.

So he went in and went to sleep on it.

and he hasn't changed a bit, friends. He
thinks pot is Tupperware.

It's funny how things do turn out,
though.

We were just two fellows, guys who
shared the golden era of motion pictures

years ago and lucky enough to make a lot
of money.

I spent mine on marriages and gambling
and then I spent it on some silly

Jimmy spent his on real estate, friends,
and we've shared a lot in the past, and

I'd like to say we're still sharing.

You see, some of my ex -wives are living
in his buildings.

Now, someone who has become one of our
regular roasters, a lovely lady with a

big, warm heart. Her heart is so warm
that she can

fricassee you with her tongue.

This is Rwanda Page.

Rwanda Page is here.

Ebony Princess like me is doing up here
with all these

honky sports.

Well, NBC hired me to do the color
commentary.

Eat your heart out, Phyllis George.

Black may be beautiful, but scarce on
this desk.

Good, I was wondering why I left it.

And you people have been saying what a
big star Jimmy Stewart is.

Well, I got news.

Down in the cement at the Chinese
Theater, his footprints have been

Jimmy Stewart has been replaced by my
side of the family, Jimmy Walker.

If you could steal hubcaps like you do
jokes, you'd be a star in my

neighborhood.

And you can't afford to talk you, Nicky
Rooney.

Honey, after short stuff here saw Ruth,
he went to Ireland to trace his family

tree and find out it was a stump.

look tall.

Soon to bury Goldwater, you're getting
to be an old joke, too.

Still wanting to be president.

Daddy, you got about as much chance as
the Pope has for being arrested for wife

beating.

Sure, you're still popular in Arizona,
but what does a cactus know?

Brings us to that cactus -faced old
rummy Foster Brooks.

Foster, if Count Dracula ever bit your
neck, he'd get a bloody Mary.

June Allison, I don't know what you're
doing here with all these dirty old

drunks.

You were always so sweet and pure and
innocent.

You make...

Reeves look like Bonnie and Clyde.

And there's that old buzzer George Burns
laughing.

He's so old, he carries polygrip on
dates in case he wants to nibble on a

ear.

Janet Leigh is laughing now.

But wait till I move in next door to
her.

Never shaved your legs in a shower.

Now that brings me to the man of the
hour.

Now I can't say anything bad about you,
Skinny.

and a cool actor, and I'm your fan.

Our next guest is that beautiful actress
and a dear friend of mine. She is not

only a fine performer, but she's one of
the best tennis players in Beverly

Hills. Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Janet
Leigh.

I can't tell you how truly happy I am to
have been asked to this Jimmy Stewart

roast.

He is a very dear man.

You know, some years ago, we made a
western together called The Naked Spur,

I was all excited because I had a crush
on Jimmy, and the script called for us

to play a love scene.

I pursed my lips for a burning kiss.

Jimmy moved closer to me, reached out,
and shook my hand.

you that I was a little upset by this,
so when we broke for lunch, I spoke to

his wife, Gloria, about it, and she
said, well, what are you complaining

I had to play spin the bottle to get him
to kiss me on our honeymoon.

Now, June, June Allison said, she had
the same trouble with love themes.

When they made the Glenn Miller story,
she said by the time he got through

playing in the mood, she wasn't.

who also did a Western with Jimmy, Death
Tree Rides Again.

And she said, Janet, why don't you do
what I did?

Wear an off -the -shoulder holster.

That way he can't help but notice you.
Your 45s will be right next to your 36s.

And then I realized the secret of this
sensational kisser.

All those years of stammering and
stuttering and saying, well,

made the muscles in his lips so strong
that they were like steel -belted

radials. I mean, forget about your Kurt
Reynolds or Paul Newman. When it comes

to kissing, Jimmy Stewart has the pucker
power.

In introducing our next guest, I can
think of nothing more impressive than

saying, ladies and gentlemen, Mr.

Henry Fonda.

Mr. Dean?

You know, I've really been looking
forward to this evening.

Because I can't think of a fellow I'd
like more to say nice things about than

friend Jim Seward.

Jim and I arrived in Hollywood 43 years
ago.

Two young actors trying to make it in
pictures.

Each of us so skinny we could ride in a
buggy in the whip socket.

The two of us only cast one shadow.

Over the years, we made some movies
together.

One of them was Fire Creek.

I played a bad guy and Jim had to gun me
down.

Before that, we did one called On Our
Merry Way.

We played two musicians who were so bad
that everybody wanted to gun us down.

And just a few years back, we worked
together in the Cheyenne Social Club.

We were a couple of cowpokes, moseying
around one of those typical

establishments of the Old West, where
men are men and they paid women to

prove it.

Of course, Jim had some experience with
this kind of movie years ago when he

made Mr. Smith Goes to Washington, about
another house of ill repute.

I guess knowing how far Jim and I go
back is probably the reason why I was

to come on tonight and show you some of
the unique special qualities that have

made Jim unique in the world of movies.

The subtle nuances that belong only to
him.

In other words, The great moments of
James Stewart on film.

In Jim's first film, Rosemary, we get a
good indication of that Stewart magic to

come.

Here we see a young and very thin
Stewart, a prisoner on horseback,

being taken in by a Royal Canadian
Mountie, Nelson Eddy, for having killed

another Mountie.

I don't seem to understand. You've got
to have some excitement.

I'll take Sis there, for instance.

She's been plugging away at that music
ever since I can remember.

I wouldn't work that hard for anybody.

As I looked at it, I realized it may not
have been such a great moment for us,

the viewers, but considering how skinny
Stuart was, sure a great moment for the

horse.

Beats the hell out of carrying Orson
Welles.

In a film called Born to Dance, we are
blessed by another of Jim's gifts, his

voice.

In it, he introduces a Cole Porter song
as he sings to the lovely Eleanor

Powell.

That it does seem a shame That you can't

see your future

The only thing that's thinner than gin
is voice.

But undaunted, he kept right on singing.

This time to Katharine Hepburn in his
award -winning movie, The Philadelphia

Story.

Mikey, keep grooming.

In this scene, Jim is demonstrating two
things.

His incredible strength in picking up
Miss Hepburn.

And the fact he's no Judy Garland.

But he did a wonderful impression of
Dean.

Is that an alcoholic beverage?

It is what?

For me?

That's with Tracy. Why, do you want one?

Listen, I'd sell my grandmother for a
drink. You know I love my grandmother.

Well, Uncle Willie's around in the
pantry doing weird and wonderful things.

him I said one of the same.

Mind if I make it two?

That's between you and your grandmother.

For the most part, Jim exhibited a
whimsical, likable quality in his films.

As evidenced in It's a Wonderful Life,
Shop Around the Corner, Harvey.

But here in this sequence from
Stratton's story, he exhibits a hidden

shocking violence.

that make Charlie Bronson look like a
cocktail waitress.

But if there's one thing that sums up
the Stewart persona, it's his physical

grace.

We've heard a lot of jokes about his
speech pattern, but his blitheness of

movement is undeniable.

And here we see it with Lana Turner in
Ziegfeld Girl.

Dames is just like traffic. Sometimes
you gotta stop, sometimes you gotta go.

Yeah, but a smart driver don't pick the
light.

Okay.

So you know your own strength.

You ain't exactly a name make yourself.

Show's out at 11 .30.

We'll be there at 11 .28.

And if I have to push one of them fancy
limousines out of the way with my truck,

I can do that too.

Jim, you and I are survivors of what's
been called the golden age of Hollywood.

We've come a long way and a lot of years
together, and just think.

One day we might make it into the
Hollywood Wax Museum together.

Ladies and gentlemen, with great respect
and love, I give you Mr. George Burns.

Dean, for that sweet introduction.

You know, you've got to give Dean
credit.

When he has a show to do, it's amazing
how he gets the job done.

For instance, he's got to introduce
everybody on this day. Believe me, it's

easy. He's got to stand up to do it.

In fact, the doctor gave Dean one day to
stop drinking.

Dean picked January the 20th, 1999.

I know at these roasts you're supposed
to say terrible things about the guest,

but how can you say anything nasty about
Jimmy Stewart?

He's a doll.

I'd even like to take him out dancing.

It's so nice I'd even let him lead.

Of course, I wouldn't try it in Florida.

Imagine me trying to be funny by
insulting Jimmy Stewart.

He's so happily married, so quiet, so
gentle, so tall,

so contented, so pleasant.

There's not a laugh in that group.

I can't insult Jimmy Stewart. It's not
my nature.

I like to say nice things about
everybody.

I can't even insult Don Rickles.

I'm Milton Berle, I can insult.

Yeah, I'd enjoy insulting Milton Berle.

I think I will.

Last week I ran into his wife and I
said, Ruth, I know you and Milton have

married a long time. How's your sex
life?

She says, are you kidding?

Milton gets more laughs in bed than he
gets when he plays Las Vegas.

But I still have another problem. What
to say about Jimmy Stewart?

He managed to live 50 years in Hollywood
and never had his character blemished.

He's a perfect citizen.

Whenever there's a wild party with the
booze and the girls, when Jimmy hears

about it, it makes him mad because he's
never invited.

I love Jimmy because he's so casual and
so easygoing and he talks slow and he

listens slow.

And he eats slow, and he walks slow.

And, uh, and, uh... Yeah, he does
everything slow.

By the way, Jimmy was supposed to play
God in the picture I did.

But the only reason they took me is that
the studio saved a fortune.

We all know that God created the Earth
in six days.

Well, it would have taken Jimmy at least
six months.

an actor all his life but I started
acting only about two and a half years

and Jimmy I hope this doesn't upset you
but I found out that acting is very very

easy if you're doing a scene where
you're knocking on somebody's door and

somebody says come in if you walk in
you're a good actor if a man says come

and you stay out in the hall that's bad
acting I'm a good actor I always walk in

In some of the movies that they're doing
today, you can even do it lying down.

And you don't have to put your clothes
on.

But you're never embarrassed because
there's always a girl next to you to

to.

I'd never go to porno movies, but I'd be
willing to pay $5 just to see Jimmy

Stewart with his clothes off.

I'd even pay a dollar to see him without
a tie.

delighted to be here.

And what I said still goes.

After the show, I'd still like to take
you out dancing.

You're such a nice man, I promise not to
dance close.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's my pleasure
to present Miss Greer

Garson.

Thank you, Dean. Thank you. I'm just
delighted to join in honoring, in our

peculiar way, one of the nicest
gentlemen in slow business.

What can one say about Jimmy Stewart?

His career?

proves that he who hesitates is found.

Here's a perfect case of a man who
brought glamour to the drama with a

I used to wonder why, Jimmy, when we
were both working at MGM Studio, why we

never made a picture together.

And then I realised...

That it wouldn't be a well -balanced
team. Because I talk too much, and

you don't talk at all.

Jimmy, you could have cleaned up in
silent movies.

Everybody makes fun of the way he talks.

But Chuck's chief whiz.

Golly, if Jimmy started talking like the
rest of us ordinary folk, hundreds of

impressionists would be unemployed.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, imitations of
his mannerisms as an actor are familiar

stuff.

But it would be quite a challenge for
anyone to try to duplicate Jimmy

range of real lifestyles.

He's modern.

So he goes often, with his lovely
Gloria, to Africa on safari, hunting not

gun, but with cameras.

Nice.

He's old -fashioned, so he goes to
church on Sundays.

He's the only Air Force general I know
who hobnobs on theater stages with a six

-foot invisible rabbit.

A deep bow to his royal shyness.

And for this courtly occasion,

we offer a small poem.

Begging your indulgence.

I call it Ode to a Norman Rockwell
Character.

In the golden years of Hollywood, MGM
was stacked with leading men who had

certain things that Jimmy Stewart
lacked.

No shoulders broad, no muscled brawn. He
was...

skinny and long like a cable. In fact,
you'd have to take three of him to make

just one Clark Gable.

So what has he got, this Jimmy of ours,
that somehow sets him apart?

The certain appeal of the honored and
real that works its way straight

to your heart.

He's sweet, kind, and shy.

He's our favorite good guy. So why do I
have to say more?

Though his hair's gray, you see, yet he
always will be America's boy next

door.

I'll guess the boner.

Had a glittering record in World War II.
He was one of the few officers in the

history of the Air Force to receive the
Distinguished Service Medal for

outstanding service to the United
States. But he never could have achieved

honor without the help of a great fellow
aviator who flew with him for 20

missions.

As a surprise to Jimmy, that fabulous
flyboy is here tonight.

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Mr.

Foster Brooks.

Thank you, Dolly Parton.

I'm sorry, but I'm not Dolly Parton.
You're not half as sorry as I am.

Point spread on Dolly this week.

It's a real thrill for me to be here to
pay tribute to my old flying bud.

Buddy.

Jimmy Stu.

Jimmy Stu.

I can still recall the day I first met
you, Jimmy.

It was at the airbase in England.

We were in a briefing room, walking
around in our briefs.

But Jimmy and I became good buddies, and
us two

handsome young flyers.

Naturally, we were surrounded by adoring
service women. That's what I was born

for, to service women.

Jimmy was dating a whack, a wave, and a
whack.

And I wound up with a whoop.

The bagels of, beagles, bugle, the
bugles of war sounded.

Well, my first mission, Jimmy was a
pilot and I was a navigator.

I was the, no, I was the one with the S
.O. road map.

to the target, and we bombed the heck
out of it.

Unfortunately, the aerial photographs
showed that we wiped out Trenton, New

Jersey.

Nobody's perfect.

After that, Jimmy made me his tail
gunner, and he even offered me a bow.

A bow.

A bow. A bow on us.

I got down some Messerschmitts. He gave
me a mess of Schlitz.

And I was doing real good until on one
mission we were in the thick of battle

and Jimmy yelled, action at two o
'clock, action at two o 'clock.

I opened fire at two o 'clock and got
off my wristwatch.

The pastor broke.

Ladies and gentlemen, let's welcome the
co -star of the popular television

series, Switch.

Mr. Eddie Elvis!

It's a pleasure for me to be here
honoring my dear friend Jimmy tonight.

Now, you've heard the other members of
this day say that he's a fine actor.

That's true. We've become friends. We
met one day at a party, and that was

we got together on the gardening. He
found out I was an avid gardener.

You're an avid gardener?

You've changed.

No, no, no. I'm an avid gardener, Dean.

It means that we have green thumbs.

Hey, I have a green thumb, too, Eddie.

Yeah?

Yeah, from picking olives out of those
martinis there.

We're both organic gardeners. We love
gardening.

I must say that he raises some wonderful
stuff over there in his garden.

His vegetables are prize examples.

He raised a tomato so juicy, a gopher
bit in it and was drowned.

He sent me some vegetables from his
garden.

Let me try these.

Woolworths.

He sent me... Oh, this is marvelous.

He sent me some vegetables from his
garden. I ate organic peppers, organic

onions, organic cucumbers, and the next
morning I had organic heartburn.

He's enthusiastic.

He helps me with my gardening.

This one morning, about 3 o 'clock, he
called me and said, Eddie, can you come

over? Something's been eating my asters.

He's shy and he's decent.

I was showing him how to cross
-pollinate two flowers, and during the

he looked the other way.

Crop is in. Jimmy harvests bushels of
corn, tomatoes, peppers, carrots. He

them into a station wagon, drives to the
poor section of the town, and sells

them.

The flower he's proudest of, seriously,
though, is his wife, Gloria.

On their wedding anniversary, Jimmy gave
his wife, Gloria, something very

enriching. Down to earth, a 50 -pound
sack of bandini.

Truthfully, you know that I'm joking
here, Jim.

It's all been in good fun, and I'd like
to use just a second or two here to tell

you that, in my opinion, you're one of
the most decent and sweetest guys we got

in our town.

I'm proud to be your friend, and that's
not Bandini.

What?

The question tonight is what?

In the history of the world, never got a
dinner.

Orson Welles.

Who said to Anita Bryant, stop picketing
me. What I am is a thespian.

Never got a day.

Jimmy Cagney, who said to Mickey Mouse,
you dirty rat.

Never got a day.

Carlton Heston, who said when he came
down from Mount Sinai with the Ten

Commandments, funny, he didn't look like
George Burns.

John Travolta, who said my Saturday
night fever

was nothing compared to my Sunday
morning rash.

and gets a dinner. Rudolph Valentino,
the silent screen star who once said...

Those

words were as true today as they were
then.

Never got a dinner. Telly Savalas who
said, I'd give it all up.

Fame, money, glory, if I could only have
a little dandruff.

The policewoman who said the thing I
like about pepper is her shaker.

Sidney Poitier who said to Paul Newman,
let's do one called Butch Cassidy and

the Sunburn Kid.

Dolly Parton who said to a doctor, are
you sure it's a chest cold?

The sex symbol of the movies who said...

a fellow who's a fine actor and I'm sure
you all know he was Felix on the

hit show The Odd Couple and now you see
him every week as Judge Franklin

on his own show.

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Tony Randolph!

As long as I'm here, I may as well use
this opportunity to air a few grievances

I have, Mr. Stewart.

Some I've held long in my heart. I
confess I'm jealous of Jimmy Stewart. It

isn't quite fair, it seems to me.

I've studied to be an actor.

I've worked long and hard.

My parents sacrificed that I could
improve my diction and speak, in the

Shakespeare, trippingly on the tongue.

This man sounds as though he has a mouth
full of rice pudding.

And he's a star.

I can recite the entire soliloquy of
Hamlet in the amount of time it takes

to say, well, gee whiz, it's
excruciating to me.

I saw one film in which he speaks so
slowly that by the time the film was

over, we were in the sequel.

Why is this man a star? Where's the
glamour?

Where's the personality?

Somebody once told me that Jimmy once
tried to write his autobiography as told

to. Nobody would listen.

Once you see Jimmy Stewart on the
screen, you'll never forget him.

All his performances are exactly the
thing.

He always plays himself, you see, which
is deadly.

He always plays himself, which is
deadly.

Once you see Jimmy Stewart on the
screen, you'll never forget him.

You have a telegram for me? Tony, you
can use the cigar. You may get a laugh.

I'd like to tell Mr. Burrell what to do
with the cigar.

on the screen, friends.

You'll never forget it.

All his performances are exactly the
same.

Jimmy Stewart, you see, always plays
himself, which is deadly.

Good man, good man, Mr. Rich Little!

Jam,

um... I, um... I...

It seems to me that, you know, and the
thing is

that I... What are you trying to say?
What are you trying to say?

Jim,

I am grateful to you because...

You keep people like me working.

And you're probably

imitated by more people than anybody in
show business.

And the reason is, it's so easy to do.

I mean, anybody could do Jimmy Stewart.

Even you could do you.

I don't want to brag or anything, but
I've noticed lately that your Jimmy

Stewart is just, well, it just isn't
what it used to be, you know?

It's slipping away. Now, would you stand
up for a minute, Jim? Let me give you a

few pointers here.

Now, the first thing you've got to do is
put your hand out like this and just

kind of shake it like that.

That's good. That's good. That's good.

Now, I want you to...

kind of look through the tops of your
eyes and give it that... No,

no, kind of squint them a little bit and
bend over just a bit.

Now, I want you to say... I feel
terrible.

How do you think we feel? We've been
watching you for 40 years, do we?

Gives you a little character there.

Now, I want you to put the hand out,
look through the tops of your eyes and

wow, just like that, wow.

Wow.

No good. That's terrible.

I mean, that is bad.

That, I mean, do you ever hear such a
bad Jimmy Stewart in your life?

audience. Can you do better than that?

Huh?

Come on, I'll give you a chance to
adjust your shorts.

I want you to put your hands out. Now
look through the tops of your eyes, and

the count of three, everybody go, wow.

Ready? One, two, three.

voices of a lot of stars that couldn't
be here tonight.

But I'm not going to do that now. I
would like to do the voices of a number

stars who are glad they couldn't be here
tonight.

Don't get me wrong, pilgrim.

When it comes to westerns, forget it.

We made a picture called Liberty
Valance. This guy doesn't know the first

about westerns. First day on the set, he
comes to me and he says, Duke, is it

true the harder you pull a trigger, the
further the bullet will go?

Jimmy, here's somebody who is here
tonight.

Now, Jimmy and I first started out in
pictures together.

We were roommates.

Back in those days, we were so poor.
Well, I remember one Christmas, all we

left to eat was a large jar of aspirin.

It didn't fill us up, but I'll tell you
one thing. I haven't had a headache in

over 37 years.

with John Wayne because I think some of
Jimmy Stewart's best moments on the

screen, westerns. I mean, particularly
when he's pursuing somebody like Dan

Duryea or Stephen McNally, you know, or
Robert Ryan, you know, when he kind of

comes up with them and goes, all right,
all right, hold it, hold it, hold it,

hold it right there, mister, hold it,
hold it.

Now, pay attention to this. You could
learn something here.

Keep your hands where I can see them.
Keep them up there. Keep them up.

That's good.

That's good. That's fine.

Arnett Jett is one of the most familiar
faces in show business. He's been in

many movies, appeared in a lot of
Broadway plays, but you know him best as

loneliest washer repairman in town.

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr.

Maytag, Jesse White.

I'm really very flattered to be here at
this wonderful tribute to my dear

friend, Jimmy Stewart.

We've been friends for over 35 years.

And the amazing thing is that he still
looks the same.

Old.

The ironic thing is that our backgrounds
are so different.

I grew up in the rough part of Akron,
Ohio.

But Jimmy was born with a silver spoon
in his mouth.

And he talks like it's still there.

At the time, we were rehearsing that
wonderful Broadway play, Harvey.

Dean, I don't know if you saw that play,
but Harvey was an invisible rabbit.

You kidding? I just saw him last night.

Jimmy was a big hit, one of the biggest
hits in the history of the theater, and

Jimmy and I had a lot of fun on the
road.

Even then, Jimmy was very easygoing and
very generous, and people really took

advantage of him.

One night, Jimmy gave a bellhop a $100
bill and said to bring us a couple of

hamburgers and get something for
yourself.

Kid came back with the food, and Jimmy
asked for his... ...for myself.

I got a wristwatch.

Jimmy, I'll never forget how nice you
were about that.

He said to the bellhop, Would you mind
if I call you once in a while and ask

what time it is?

I'm going to say something, and I mean
it really from the bottom of my heart.

You were responsible for bringing me out
to Hollywood when we did the Harvey

movie.

And you're really one of the nicest guys
I've ever had the pleasure of working

with in our business.

And I say this very sincerely.

If at any time your Maytag needs fixing,
call Sears.

Prizes on the NBC network this year is
CPO Sharky. The shows have been

consistently funny.

It's gaining in popularity and is a big
hit on NBC this season. One of the

reasons for that is the star of the
show. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to

world of hostility and abuse, Mr. Don
Rickles.

I see a great Jimmy Stewart here.

I just wonder how long he'll be able to
stay awake.

There are so many great stars here to
honor you. By the way, thank you, Dean,

for your kind words.

You've always been a good friend to me,
and I appreciate it.

Really no Frank Sinatra, huh?

I mentioned your name to him the other
day, and he just drove right over my

face.

You know, some of the great people, as
you can see, sitting on our day is the

lovely June Allison.

There you are, June. You're booted up at
83.

Wanda Page, it's so good to see you.
They have you on most of the rows

somebody has to dust the table.

Saw Red Fox the other day just standing
on the corner going, I'm Red Fox.

Trying to pass himself off as a mulatto
fighter pilot.

Ruth Buzzy, I've said this time and time
again.

Surgery. Definite surgery.

You're the only woman I know that
doesn't need the face fixed. The arms

Bad arms.

Keeps stooping over looking for bananas.

George Burns.

Some 80 odd years young.

Sits in his little car saying to little
girls in the park, I am George Burns.

You're going to be put in a home,
George.

Starting to annoy little people in the
park.

Anyway, some of the great, great stars
are here.

Senator Barry Goldwater, the great
senator.

Too bad you weren't president, but then
you'd have no time to do this.

Tell you, Eddie Albert, what a great
actor you are.

I've seen your lovely wife in Fever
Zapata just laying around the rocks

tacos.

And, of course, Henry Fonda. Jesse,
Jesse, Jesse.

You were so great when Tyrone Power and
you just jumped on your horse and went

right through the window trying to get
out of Missouri.

It's all over, though, Hank.

Lucille Ball, who's set to Gary Morton.

to his wife, Nancy.

Where did you get this?

Well, once again, it's my great pleasure
to present the giant in the

entertainment field, a man who never
fails to give these roasts a touch of

class. Ladies and gentlemen, my dear
friend, Mr.

Weston Welk.

Thank you very much.

It's always a pleasure to be back in one
of these celebrity roasts of yours

where a gang of jolly, fun -loving
people get together to use charm, wit,

humor for one shining purpose, to
destroy another human being.

I see nothing much has changed since my
last appearance on this dais.

Milton Berle is still looking around and
jotting down everybody's jokes.

I see Senator Goldwater sitting there,
still trying to dream up a way to keep

the Panama Canal in American hands.

This evening we're assembled to honor
Jimmy Stewart, who is not only a fine

actor, but whose very image as a man
seems to be typical of all that America

used to stand for.

and I say used to, because today's
screen heroes are a far cry from that

non -violent fellow Jimmy has been
portraying throughout his long and

career.

Just to show you what I mean, let's look
at some of today's leading men.

I saw Charles Bronson in a movie
recently.

where Charles, certainly a fine actor,
nearly playing what the public wants him

to play, grabbed a beautiful girl,
pulled her out of a room, belted her in

chops, and threw her down three flights
of stairs.

And this was the love scene.

Jimmy may have hemmed and hawed, but he
never hit.

And Burt Reynolds, one of the very best
of our newer stars.

When he plays the cop, he jumps into his
cruiser car, drives 100 miles an hour,

firing away with a submachine gun,
smashing and crashing 50 cars, buses and

trucks on the way, just so when he
catches the guy, he can give him a

for blowing his horn in a hospital door.

That's what's happening on the silver
screen today.

By now we can see how much we needed
that soft -spoken, shy,

Kind -hearted fellow that Jimmy Stewart
plays.

No brutality for Jimmy, no sir.

And as for mindless violence, why, even
in Jimmy's picture called The FBI Story,

which sounds like a perfect excuse for
gunfire, car smashing, well, Jimmy did

the decent way in one scene while he was
chasing John Dillinger, that notorious

criminal.

had a flat tire on his sedan, and
instead of smashing into Dillinger,

out of his car, looked the villain
straight in the eye, and fixed the flat.

Jimmy, to use a metaphor, the movie
industry is, well, it's sometimes called

jungle, but I think it's a forest.

A forest made up of a million different
plants and trees and shrubs.

And some of these plants have a brief
day in the sun. They flower quickly,

but they can't seem to sustain, so they
wither away.

Hollywood has seen a lot of these.

But a career like yours, Jimmy, is an
evergreen.

Rain or shine, it keeps growing because
it has a kind of beauty and purpose that

will never die.

That's what we've always seen in you,
something that will be here when all the

fads and fancies are long gone.

As an image, Jimmy Stewart is indelible.

As an actor, well, I saw him on the
stage in New York long before he went to

Hollywood, well, long before Hollywood
got him.

No, that's not, that's wrong.

Hollywood never got Jimmy Stewart.

He was the conqueror.

He was and is superb.

And I use that word very carefully.

I pause for a parenthesis.

I am the only actor on this podium who
has not attempted to imitate you, Jimmy,

because in my view, that's all we can
do.

And now it's my pleasure to present our
man of the hour.

When you think about Jimmy Stewart, you
think about two words.

Feeling good.

Because Jimmy has left America feeling
good for a long time.

There are many performers in this
business that we like.

Jimmy is one of the rare ones that we
love.

He's got that certain honest and
straightforward way that lets you know

of us.

And this is reflected in the way he's
lived.

A heroic career in the service of his
country, a wonderful family man,

a concerned citizen.

Ladies and gentlemen, I'm so proud to
have for a pal our man of the hour.

A great American, Mr. Jimmy Stewart.

Before I get started with this sort of
answering the roast type thing, I've

sort of been overcome by this last few
minutes here. So I just am

bound to say this.

I'm very proud of what you said,

Orson, and I'm very grateful to you.

And I'll always be grateful.

It was wonderful of you to choose this
time to say it, and I'll never forget

it. Thank you.

And Dean, also with you, you kind of

read it all right and everything, and it
seemed...

It seemed very nice, and I just want you
to know that I appreciate it. And I'm

very grateful to you for the things you
said, and thank you. Now, about

this roast here.

When I, Dean first invited me to appear
at this.

As guest of honor on this roast, I said,
all right, now I'll do it on one

condition, that the evening should be
conducted with a level of taste and

propriety. And Dean said, well, don't
worry about that.

It'll be a cultural dance.

So far this evening has been as cultural
as looking at the famous gold mask of

King Tut and finding the words made in
Japan.

I'm grateful, and I'm grateful that you
all came, particularly some of my old

friends. I like Eddie Albert.

Right now, Eddie is one of the hottest
actors in Hollywood. His good looks and

his talents are opening doors, and every
big producer in town wants to hire him.

Unfortunately, I'm talking about his
son, Eddie Albers Jr.

I don't know. Maybe if I was you, maybe
I'd kind of forget about green

acres and maybe start thinking a little
bit about green pastures.

Nicky Rooney, lovable little leprechaun.
I tell you, he

really got away with women. It's
expensive, but it's a way.

Wait a minute.

Dean, I can't go on with this. All these
insults and sarcastic remarks.

I just...

Would it be possible, could you stand up
and sort of help me with this thing? I

don't... Would you?

Okay, anything you say, I'll try.

The insurance company isn't watching
because my policy says I'm not covered

standing. Anyway,

I guess I'll just thank my friends and
then you can zing them from there.

Like, remember the famous words of Billy
Graham who once said, if the good Lord

meant for us to walk around in the nude,
he'd have never created Ruth Buzzy.

Never.

That's exactly what I had in mind.

I could never have said that Miss Buzzy
was frightening, no matter how I

believed.

It's nice seeing you here, Red.

Dean. Well, I'll tell you.

Red's the only man I know who ever went
to the Salvation Army and never got a

dinner.

Not only that, he once went to a house
of ill repute and never got a sinner.

is when your hitman's an Italian.

Senator Goldwater, I'm honored by your
presence.

The senator is a great believer in solar
energy.

He just hired Farrah Fawcett to sit on
his roof.

Burns is amazing, isn't he? Even though
he's in his 80s, he thinks young.

It's true. Who else would spray Brute on
his polygrip?

And, of course, I never get tired of
Rich Little.

He does such wonderful impressions.

Well, he's been doing Richard Nixon so
long, last night he erased 18 minutes

of his act.

I've always thought LaWanda Page was
funny.

She attacks sort of like Don Rickles.

Well, if this country does give up the
Panama Canal, Preston Carter is thinking

of using LaWanda Page's mouth as an
alternate route.

And it's a nice saying, Jess White, you
know, we toured Harvey together, and of

course all of you.

Norm from his Maytag commercials.

Dean? He's the only man I know who ever
had a romantic relationship with a

washer and a dryer.

Well, hardly anybody can match Henry
Fonda's contribution to the motion

industry and the theater.

Dean?

Yeah, when he checked in last night and
was walking through the lobby, all the

people were pointing at him saying,

There goes Jane Faulkner's father.

Well, it's so good to see Lucille Ball
here.

Hi, I'm Jane. She's not really here.

This is a rerun.

I always loved that gorgeous red hair.

I often wonder if that red hair is her
natural color. I guess it would take

Haley to find her real roots, huh?

I think you can handle Foster Brooks
without any problems, Dave.

Oh, well, poor Foster.

He can't even call up Alcoholic
Anonymous anymore. His breath melts the

I watched Tony Randall on his new show,
and he's very good as a judge, Dave.

Yeah, last week on his show, he said to
a woman attorney, I'd like to see your

briefs.

are very strong for women's equality.

They're all wrong about women being
equal to men.

I'm sorry, but I just can't look at
Raquel Welch as just another one of

guys.

Will you help me out to say something?
Sure, yeah.

All right. Ladies and gentlemen,

Thank you. Thank you very much, Dean.

Good night, everybody.