Original subtitles

The Dean Martin Celebrity Roast, coming to you from the MGM Grand Hotel in the

entertainment capital of the world, Las Vegas, Nevada.

The glittering city of excitement and laughter provides the scintillating

backdrop for tonight's star -studded roast.

Ladies and gentlemen, from the Celebrity Room of the Grand Hotel, Dean Martin

honors our man of the hour, Jackie Gleason, with tonight's guest, Phyllis

Dillard.

Art Carney, Gene Kelly, Danny Thomas, Milton

Berle, Audrey Meadows, Sid Caesar,

Foster Brooks, Sheila McRae, Jane King, Nifty Russell,

Frank Gorshin, and your Roastmaster, Dean Martin.

And tonight, very special man of the hour, Jackie Gleason.

Show me a guy who can eat, drink, and be merry, and I'll show you a fat grinning

drunk.

I won't say you're getting fat, but the June Taylor dancers could use your pants

for a dressing room.

I'd like to see Earl Shy paint him for $39 .95.

When he was born, the stork delivered him in a U -Haul.

Support stockings. He wore a support diaper.

He was born in Brooklyn, New York, in the poorest of neighborhoods. And I mean

poor. Anyone who paid their rent on time was arrested for suspicion of robbery.

When Jackie went to school, he was a dropout.

The floor caved in.

nightclub Jackie ever played was a clam house in Atlantic City.

Jackie had a very unusual act. He cracked crabs to the tune of Claire de

Then came Jackie's success on television to Honeymooners. On that show, Jackie

had something special, something magical, something America couldn't wait

every week. Art Carney.

And for Art's performance on that show, the Television Academy gave Art an Emmy.

Jackie, the way Art carried you, they should have given him a truck.

Jackie Gleason now makes Florida his home and has endeared himself to all the

people in Miami.

Each New Year's Day, he allows the Orange Bowl Committee to use his body as

float.

after the show tonight, Jackie is leaving for San Diego where he will

a fundraising benefit at SeaWorld.

Don't miss it.

Shamu the whale is going to ride Jackie.

Phyllis Diller is here for several reasons.

She's a nice woman, a funny lady, and she keeps crows out of the room.

So let's bring her out with a great big round of pity.

And here's a gal who always makes me laugh.

The adorable Miss Phyllis Diller. Yes.

I can't tell you what a thrill it is to be here honoring the man from Flab.

I first met Jackie in Florida, and I was in Miami Beach, in tears over Bebe, not

Reboza, my bra size.

I wanted so much to get on television, so I auditioned for the June Taylor

Dancers, but Miss Taylor said that I needed alteration.

My spirits were drooping, among other things.

looking for long -stemmed roses, and I had varicose vines.

I heard he was looking for a sexy showgirl to come out and say, away we

I applied, and Jackie said, go away.

But I offered him my body, and he said, no thanks. I throw away my empty sheet.

Listen, Jackie, Audrey and Sheila are okay, but they aren't the kind of Alice

that you need.

Sheila walking around in that $2 dress and the $65 permanent.

No wonder the Cramdon's never had any kids. It might mess up her hair.

And Audrey used to greet you at the door with that sweet, delicate, feminine

voice of hers.

Hiya, Ralph.

sounded like she inhaled a clothespin.

If the honeymooners ever come back, let me be your Alice, because I crave your

body.

But that's irrelevant.

Irrelevant.

What I really mean is, I have the hots for your pot.

Only pure passion.

See, I would satisfy you. To women, Diller may be a killer.

But to men, Philly's a dilly.

When we decided

to roast Jackie Gleason, we invited all the great comedians.

However, Milton Berle is here tonight because Derwood Kirby fell out.

Ladies and gentlemen, my good pal, and I think the best in the world, Mr. Milton

Berg.

Dean, you are to comedy what Ernest Borgman is to tap dancing.

He's brilliant, this man. What a mind. He thinks Cicely Tyson is an Italian

restaurant.

This is a tough roast. I've appeared on this last month.

And, you know, you do so many of these roasts, you run out of things to say.

Like tonight, I feel like Zsa Zsa Gabor's next husband.

I mean, I know what I'm supposed to do, but how do you make it interesting?

It's really a great array of stars. I understand, by the way, that President

Ford was supposed to fly in from Washington on Air Force One, but he

remember the number of the plane.

Henry Kissinger was supposed to be here, too. They looked all over, but they

couldn't find him.

He was home.

Incidentally, the June Taylor dancers may be here a little later. The last we

heard of them, they were on a Santa Ana freeway forming a flower.

And in your honor, Jackie, I'm sure it will be potted.

Look at this poor soul.

He has more chins than you can find in a Chinese phone book.

I got so much gas, I'm being followed by Arabs.

On this day, it's nothing but winos and drunks.

I never saw so much, look, I never saw much drinking in my life. And you know

what would be funny?

If Dino's the one who drives us all home.

routine, because I live with him. Every morning he starts off with a pick -me

-up. A crane comes and lifts him out of bed.

After that, he has breakfast, coffee, and toast. He doesn't like orange juice,

so he goes out and squeezes Anita Bryant.

And he keeps telling me that that's the way he loses weight. But who wants...

Gleason to lose weight.

Once you've seen a side of beef, it's hard to get used to a slice of ham.

Gleason is out on the golf course and I play golf with him and I must admit,

Jackie, he's a great golfer, ladies and gentlemen, but at times he has a

tendency to hook a shot.

I can't understand it because Gleason just isn't built right for a hooker.

That's when Gleeson, when the sun goes down, when the tide goes down.

Oh, shut up.

When the sun goes down, that's when Gleeson really starts to live.

He loves to party, loves to booze it up, loves to stay up all night.

This man has seen dawn more than Tony Orlando.

Ladies and gentlemen, our great chameleon and my good friend, Mr. Danny

Dearly beloved, we have gathered here this night.

I am tonight absolutely thrilled witnessing this remarkable sight.

Gleason being roasted.

And Dean's already stewed.

You know what an experience it is for me to stand between two men and watch them

ferment?

Friend, you have got to change your lifestyle. There's still time.

Give up this life of sin, drunkenness, and gluttony.

There's a...

Three of the seven deadly sins.

You're going to wind up in hell.

You think you're being roasted up here. Wait till they get you down there.

You'll spend an eternity on a rotisserie. You'll never see it.

Jackie, you won't be living a good life down there.

The devil won't be giving you any booze. And as for romance, you'll only find

one June Taylor dancer.

And it'll be a guy.

Big Jack, don't think me insensitive. I know your problems.

I know the problems of men.

You're torn between two faiths.

You're a reformed Catholic and an orthodox drunk.

Go back to faith, hope, and charity.

You remember those three broads you run around with?

And everything else fails you, and you can't tell your troubles to a priest or

minister or a guru. Come to me.

Tell me about your life, about the sin, about the drinking and the women and the

wild parties.

And invite me to one.

Jackie, a lot of your friends and admirers couldn't be here tonight.

Yes.

So they sent some wires, and I'm going to read them to you. And here's the one

that said, Dear Jackie, help!

Sign your chair.

Here's one from the American Society for the Preservation of Culture.

Dear Mr. Gleason, a great talent like yours should be...

Preserved for posterity, we have prepared a time capsule to be opened 1

years from now. Please report Tuesday and bring toothbrush and pajamas.

Lucky to have on the dais or the dais, whichever you prefer tonight. Not one,

but two, Mrs.

Ralph. Cramden, in show business, it's not unusual for more than one person to

have played the same role. Oh, no, no, no. For instance, there were six

different Tarzans and eight different Lassies. Our next guest is that very

versatile actress, Audrey Meadows, who played the first Mrs. Cramden, the

Tarzan, and the sixth Lassie.

You know, I worked for Jackie for quite a few years.

And you couldn't ask for a more generous, kind, and understanding

Because if you did ask, he'd fire you.

And it was Jackie who was the pioneer for women's lib.

Most of you don't realize that long before Gloria Steinem and Betty Friedan,

Jackie had the idea of having the first woman astronaut.

It's true.

Don't you remember every week he used to say to me, Alice?

You're going to the moon.

Now, let's talk about Jackie's movie attractions.

Not the ones that he was in.

The ones that he influenced.

One day, he was floating on a raft in his swimming pool. And he rolled over.

Some guy saw him.

The Poseidon Adventure.

We saw the side of Jackie that was wild, raucous, drunk.

A man so desperate for booze that he once tried to squeeze the juice out of

scotch tape.

And that's what he did for the average man.

The shy, timid little character always being pushed around by a cruel society.

Jackie called him the poor soul.

We call him the American taxpayer.

was Ralph.

Plain old Ralph the bus driver.

Loud, belligerent, opinionated, filled with hatred.

He was the Archie Bunker of the Stone Age.

Yeah, Jackie was a screamer and a shouter, but I must say he also had a

tender side.

I remember the day that I was rushed to the hospital and I couldn't do the show.

And as soon as Jackie heard that I was sick, He showed me what kind of a man he

really was.

He picked up the phone and he said a few words.

A few words that will live in my memory forever.

Do you remember what you said, Jackie?

We hired Sheila McCracken!

So, Jackie, in memory of those wonderful days, I have a few little gifts that

I'd like to present to you.

This, you may remember, is a book that you gave me when we first met, entitled

101 Ways to Fall to the Floor with Dignity.

A rare 8x10 photograph of the Jackson 5 having their shoes shined by Lester

Marner.

The unlisted and private phone number of Ozzie and Harriet.

A contour whoopee cushion once sat on... by Toadie Fields.

A bottle of dandruff from the head of Telly Savalas.

And last but not least, a five -pound wedge of fat chimera mozzarella.

acclaim for his starring role in... Ladies

and gentlemen, my good buddy, Mr. Gene Callis.

I didn't come here this evening really to insult and ridicule my old friend,

Jackie Gleason.

He has too many other dear friends for that.

Our association goes way back, but I guess it began very strongly

in 1962.

Jackie came up with an idea for a picture.

The picture was called Gigot.

Jackie's idea was...

Jackie's idea was that he would play a mute.

Now, he wanted to titillate our ears with such sparkling dialogue

as...

Because back

in 1962, we had Panavision, Vithavision, and Tadeo Sound,

but he wanted to make a sound.

Jackie asked me to be the director of this visionary project.

And I said, me?

Attempt to direct this peerless, perky, pugnacious, proud pachyderm of

prankery?

Do I dare?

I mean, do I dare?

Don't look at me.

I'm still working on that pretty, perky, porky, piggy stuff you just said.

says you can't say it again.

What, you mean fearless, perky, pugnacious, proud, pachyderm of

I could say that, but it's not in my can of peas.

Well, I was about to say, before being interrupted by our Sicilian sauce, I

took the job, as you go.

And we did the film in France, where Jackie behaved very well, contrary to

everything you heard about tonight.

He never guzzled on the set.

Of course, between scenes, he'd slip out of the back alley and siphon a wino.

So that's who stuck the rubber hose down my throat.

Fantastic artist. All the comedians rolled into one, but besides that,

Irish.

Here's one.

Favorite funny man.

Mr. Nipster Russell.

For men who choose a life of booze, I have no sympathy at all. My sympathy

with you sober guys.

These drunks are having a ball.

And Jackie Gleason is the greatest. He may never be as good as he once was, but

he's as good once as he ever was.

I'm here tonight to proclaim that Jackie,

is a libertarian.

He fought for the minorities when we were not black and beautiful, we were

black and burly.

I mean the days when you couldn't get in television. At least we couldn't. Bill

Cosby wasn't on television.

Flip Wilson wasn't on television.

Sanford didn't even know his son.

You didn't even see a Negro in the commercials. And I know darn well we got

breath.

but at that time he was a perfect specimen of physical fatness.

He had a belly so big that when he got a shoe shine, he had to take the boot

black's word for it.

I leave you with one word.

Mother nature and father time can't get together, it seems, because by the time

we learn the game, we're too old to make the team.

A few years ago, our guest of honor became a real golf nut.

To explain why he developed such a sudden interest in the game, ladies and

gentlemen, please welcome Jackie Gleason's personal caddy.

Oh, caddy of the fairways.

people out there and it's almost enough to scare the pants off me.

Bring in another thousand.

Oh, Mr. Martin, you Puerto Ricans have such a wonderful sense of humor.

But I came here to talk about golf.

When I first met Mr. Gleason, he was very inexperienced.

He couldn't swing at all.

Now we have a regular routine.

Early in the morning, he picks me up where those in my profession wait for

clientele.

It's one of the nicest candy houses in Miami.

little trouble seeing the ball because of his stomach.

Jackie Gleason on one side of me and Dean Martin on the other.

A little girl like me standing here with two biggies.

Incidentally, Jackie has sought professional help by engaging the

the world's foremost weight counselor. We are fortunate to have that man with

tonight, ladies and gentlemen, Professor Ludwig von Gross.

Could you tell us something about your background?

Yes, I first studied nutrition for four years at Heidelberg. Then I took my

master's degrees. I had three years at Oxford.

From there, I went to my doctorate at Harvard.

And incidentally, that's where I met Dr. Henry Kitchener.

Where do you think he got his action from, you know?

Before he met me, he talked like Donald Duck.

Can you beat him in front of the United Nations?

Professor, may I ask you, in treating Mr.

Gleeson's eating problem, what was the first advice you gave him?

I told him, never eat while you're taking a shower.

The first thing, your lettuce goes limp.

You can't imagine what it does to the mashed potatoes and the gravy. Oh, boy,

don't know.

Well, that's a very interesting piece, these. How did you arrive at that?

Well, one day I was eating in the shower, and I was having a plate of

And I couldn't finish the soup. The plate of soup kept overflowing.

I kept on eating the soup, and it was overflowing. Well, what did you do?

Well, what do you mean? That's what I do. I call the plumber.

Well, what would you do if your play was overflowing? And besides, it was

ruining the case of my past.

Ladies

and

gentlemen, here's another member of Jackie's TV family, Miss Sheila McRain.

Being Jackie's TV wife, Alice, it was just marvelous.

Being hugged and squeezed by him, it was much more important than you think.

It was the beginning of violence on television.

I was really lucky, though, to get to do Alice, because at this time, although

it's not generally known,

Some of the biggest stars in show business were auditioning for the part.

For instance, Jackie told me that Zsa Zsa Gabor was dying to be Alice. And she

looked at them and she said, Ralph, darling, I simply would adore being Mrs.

Cromdom. I mean, Crimdom.

Cromdom. I don't know what it is. I can't pronounce it. But whatever it is,

would adore it, darling.

And I would never, never look at another man.

I mean, the way you're built, I haven't finished looking at all of you.

Now, even Carol Channing wanted to be Alice.

Carol Channing's very elegant, and I saw the test that Carol made. She kept

saying, Oh, yes, it's wonderful to be Alice.

Yes!

Listen, he's so cheap. I kept telling him, I kept saying, well, diamonds are

a girl's best friend. Yes, so what did you think he brought me? Two

albums by Neil Diamond.

Some people look up to our man of the hour, but none more than Art Carney,

known as Ed Norton. But then, when you work in a sewer, you look up to

everybody.

Ladies and gentlemen, a dear friend of our guests of honor, Mr. Ed Norton.

Doesn't the gym look nice tonight?

Thank you, Mr. Martin.

It's nice to find a person of your heritage sitting up.

with this Jackie Gleason stuff.

This is Vegas.

Pick a new name to fit you. Something like Howard Huge.

Ralph, I understand they're supposed to roast you tonight.

I don't know how they're ever going to fit you in the oven, frankly.

What are they honoring you for, Ralph? Driver of the Year?

With the black guys at this table, I figured it's... to have something to do

with bussing.

Did you arrange for Nipsey to sit near the end of the

table?

I can move Russell next to the wino here. Then it'll be Nipsey and Tipsy.

leave town without even saying goodbye.

Not even a word.

Could have written a little farewell note and flushed it down the drain.

It would have got to me.

Now I'd like to proceed to my official capacity.

Ralph Crandon, I'm here to pay homage to you as legally elected.

Representative of Royal Order of the Raccoons.

Somebody walked into the room.

I want to give you the old raccoon signal.

Not to forget the old raccoon handshake.

it used to be, Ralph.

What'd you do? I'm a spade.

Jeez, what a thought.

Well, then, it is getting late.

In closing, I'd like to add a few words of my own.

Ralph, your sudden disappearance caused great gloom.

of emotion are turning.

Our reunion tonight and this glorious tribute can only help to up my morale.

And knowing how you feel about me, up yours too.

I guess it's Frank Gorshin who has the reputation of being a very talented

impressionist. But his wife doesn't go along with that. She told me that on

their honeymoon, Frank didn't make any impression on her at all.

Ladies and gentlemen, here's a man of many voices and paces, Mr. Frank

Ladies and gentlemen, Jackie Glees.

Started his career over 30 years ago by playing in amateur shows.

He may end his career the same way by doing this one tonight.

He's sometimes called the great one.

The greatest star in the history of show business.

Well, that's his opinion.

who might object to you being called the great one.

I mean, a great actor like Richard Burton. Friends, Germans, alcoholics.

I come to Betty Gleeson, not to praise him.

The great one, indeed.

Alexander the Great, Winston Churchill, Mark Antony, they were not the great

ones, and I played them all.

How dare you place yourself on the same level as Alexander the Great?

who took his army of 40 ,000 sleepless men, starving, destroyed the city of

Thebes, conquered Persia, soon thereafter the world, what could you

You would have looked at your starving men and said, Pals, how about a little

Chinese food?

Another guy that might be upset is the greatest healer of them all, Burt

Lancaster as Elmer Ganser.

I shouldn't be laughing, Jackie, because you're a sinner and that's everybody's

business.

I remember the first time I met Jackie Gleason was on the set of Elmer Gatchby.

I said, Jackie, what are we going to do about taking the devil's mind off of his

evil work?

You know what he said to me?

Get him abroad.

I say repent.

Repent, you sinner. Now I'm talking to you, the devil inside of Jackie.

I'm asking you to come out. I'm telling you to come out face to face with me. I

want you to speak to me. I want to hear you. You, the devil inside of Jackie

that makes him do all the evil things that he does.

I dare you to show yourself.

Oh, everybody.

man responsible for the remarkable physical shape of our guest of honor.

Ladies and gentlemen, one of Florida's leading medical authorities and Jackie's

personal physician, Dr.

Foster Brooke.

When you're two, I get up and... Mr.

Gleeson here yet?

Uh... As the sick... As the... As the sick... As...

As the sick... As the sick nun just

told you.

personal physician.

I am the

personal physician.

I drink a jacket. I drink a jacket. I drink a jacket. I drink

a

jacket.

I say he's had many a turkey to prove it.

While it is true that Mr.

Greaseball...

of him this morning proved conclusive proved conclusive

proved without a doubt

that

he is not he is not

a slob he is not a pig he is not fat

He's pregnant? Pregnant.

You may ask, how could old bubbly belly here get with child?

a few drinks he

said me have a have a baby me me

have a baby have a child I said he said

that's inconceivable I said

anything's possible nowadays

a Volkswagen.

And she had it wrapped right out in front of the house.

You are in a family way, I went on.

He cried out, why me? Why me?

I said, blame it on the Miami sun.

You're running around in heat too long.

Who got this walrus of wit into trouble?

Was it Audrey in the middle?

Was Jane a little too keen on him?

Or did Sheila McRae get him that McRae?

That's not important. What matters is that the baby is born.

Then for Big Mama here, 1975 will be a good year, as

it would be for any blimp.

One of the things Jackie prides himself on is his wardrobe.

He has always felt it's important to be in fashion no matter what the occasion.

We'd like to show you just a small example of why Jackie Gleason is

one of America's best -dressed men.

Pound for pound, the funniest guy in the world, Mr.

Jackie Gleason.

No, sweet it is.

But I want to say something about you, pal.

You and I have simpatico.

Dean and I have been on more floors than Johnson's wax.

You know, he's always telling jokes about me being drunk.

He's never seen me drunk.

He hasn't seen anything since 1947.

Oh, and there he is, Danny Thomas.

Danny has always preached religion to me.

He was the first one to lead me to the promised land.

One of the better massage parlors in Las Vegas.

And my good old buddy Nipsey Russell.

You're gorgeous.

Just think, if you were white, you could have been Sammy Davis Jr.

And my good friend Sid Caesar.

You're still my television idol. Next to John Cameron Swayze.

That's my boy, Gene Kelly. Where are you, Gene?

Watching you tonight was exciting as watching Marcus Welby give Phyllis

physical.

And Phyllis Diller, what a pleasure to see you again.

I haven't seen you since Zoo Parade was canceled.

Phyllis is so skinny, she once walked by a pool room and they chalked her up.

It is great to see you, Milton Berle, tonight.

I've been Milton's friend for almost 30 years.

And there are many reasons for that. Mostly bad luck.

is at South Foster Brooks.

Do you ever make my life into a movie? You play the lead.

And it's good to see my old honeymooners group.

How lovely you look, Connie.

Oh, it's really happy now. He fell in love in New York with a

covered girl.

She used to put tops on sewers.

Umbridge to anything I said.

Because he doesn't know what the hell Umbridge means.

And Audrey Meadows.

I'm so happy for her.

She married an airline executive and she's doing a real charitable thing

tonight.

She's turning her check over to a minority group.

The Friends of Milton Berle.

I always forget the day she said to me that she was so important to the show

that if I didn't give a $5 ,000 raise, she'd quit.

Which brings me to Sheila McRae.

As a matter of fact, Sheila looks so sexy tonight, I think I'll have her room

sent up to mine.

This evening has been as much fun as

watching the Walton family sort cranberries.

And there's an old saying that a man drinks to forget.

And now that the evening is over, I'm heading straight for the bar.