All language subtitles for Dean Martin Jack Benny

Ladies and gentlemen, the Dean Martin
Comedy Hour presents a special one -hour

roast with tonight's guests, Earl
Bailey, Joey Bishop, Foster

Foote, George Burns, Jack Carter, Norm
Crosby,

Florence Henderson, Rick Little, Dick
Martin.

And your Roastmaster, Dean Martin.

And tonight's very special man of the
week, Mr.

Jack Benny.

Tributes like this honor people while
they're still alive.

Forgive me for being a little late.

He's too old for champagne.

The bubbles keep knocking him down.

And being a great comedian wasn't Jack's
whole life. He loved the violin.

He always dreamt of being a soloist with
a concert orchestra.

Two years ago, he was invited to Israel
to perform at the Israeli Philharmonic.

When Moshe Dayan heard him play, he took
the patch off his eye and put it over

his ear.

Ladies and gentlemen, a great comedian,
Mr.

Joey Bishop.

I want to tell you it's a pleasure to be
on the dais. When they placed Essendon

on the dais to roast Jack Benny, I
turned it down.

I mean, I don't mind roasting stars like
Don Rickles, Johnny Carson, Red Fox,

but not Mr. Benny.

They said that I always said, I always
said that Jack Benny is my idol. That's

true. I always said it. I didn't mean
it, but I always said it.

I mean, if I'm going to have an idol,
I'm not going to have an idol.

Like this, someone who walks like Truman
Capote talks.

One year, I saw Jack Benny perform in
Las Vegas.

I never saw anything so bad in my life.

After the show, while he was out in the
lobby selling autographs,

he asked me, he says, Joey, how'd you
like the show?

Well, I can't tell. It stunk.

So I told him, well, it's better than
being idle.

He didn't hear too well. He thought I
said something about his being my idle.

Your funniest line is, now cut that out.

Then he has another very funny line
where he says, well, which he stole from

wife, Mary.

On their honeymoon night, after waiting
a couple of hours, she turned to him and

said, Well, people think he's got such a
great, great, wonderful sense

of comedy timing because of those long
pauses he takes.

What nobody knows is those pauses are
gags.

Claims that he's 39 years old.

He has soup stains on his tuxedo that
are older than that.

Oh, before I forget,

Congratulations, Winona.

I hear last week you freed Rochester.

George Burns could be my idol.

That's what I call a funny man.

Not polite, not blowing his nose during
my monologue, but...

We're not

here to discuss politeness.

We're here to discuss humor.

You, you could never be my idol. I tell
you this now in front of millions of

people, you 90 -year -old fiddle player.

In closing, I should like to tell the
truth.

Jack Benny is and shall always be my
idol.

Ladies and gentlemen, Ms. Florence
Henderson.

It's great, my darling.

It's great. Thank you, Dean.

Nice to see you. It's really so great to
be here, and I can't tell you what it

means for me to be here tonight for
Jack.

You see, I've been living with a secret
for years, and each day it just grows

more and more unbearable.

And, well, Jack, I can't hold it in any
longer.

I mean, I have to tell you, I don't
care. I'm not ashamed.

Jack, I want the whole world to know,
ladies and gentlemen,

Jack Benny is the real father of the
Brady Bunch.

Now, listen to me. We can't keep meeting
like this, you know, in the shadows. I

want to bring it out in the open. I
mean, I'm tired.

I'm tired of having to sneak out to...
I'm

sure you know I'm only kidding, folks,
really.

Jack and I are just good friends.

And at Jack's age, that's a lot.

Besides, seriously, I'm happily married,
and so is Jack.

Anyway, the idea of Jack cheating is
really very unlikely.

You know, Jack's lovely wife, Mary,
would be the first to tell you.

Jack couldn't cheat.

That's because he was the first to lead
the nation in running out of gas.

The event having George Burns with us to
honor his pal, Jack Benny. Of course,

it's a big event for George if his cigar
lights on the first try.

Here is one of the great monologists,
ladies and gentlemen, our showbiz, Mr.

George Burns.

I'm going to tell you a few stories
about Jack, and they're all true.

We've been friends for a lot of years.
About 55 years.

We've been very, very close friends, and
there's a reason for it.

I always tell Jack how much I love his
violin playing, and he always tells me

how much he loves my singing.

And that's how we've stayed friends all
these years.

Lying to each other.

Years ago, the first time I met Jack,
the next day he called me on the phone.

And we were disconnected in the middle
of the conversation.

And that night we had dinner together.
And when I walked into the restaurant,

hit the table and he screamed and he
laughed. He said, that thing that you

to me on the phone today is the funniest
thing that's ever happened to me.

I said, well, what did I do?

He says, hanging up in the middle of the
phone conversation.

That's the first laugh I ever got from
Jack Benny.

Before that, I didn't know I was the
comedian's comedian.

Now, that happened 55 years ago, and to
this day, every time I talk to Jack, I

still have to hang up on him.

He doesn't laugh at it anymore, but if I
didn't do it, he'd think I was

slipping.

And then we used to eat together every
night before we were both married.

And eating with Jack was quite an
experience.

He never likes what he orders.

He only likes what you order.

So in the restaurant, he had lamb chops
and I had a steak.

And he said, looked at my steak and his
mouth started to water. He says, would

you like a piece of my lamb chop?

I says, no, then you'll want a piece of
my steak.

Fell down twice.

And the next night, we're in the same
restaurant. He says, your steak looks so

good last night, I'm going to order
steak tonight.

I said, good, I'll have lamb chops.

He looked at my lamb chops and his mouth
started to water.

He said, would you like a piece of my
steak?

I said, no, then you'll want a piece of
my lamb chop.

Well, this time he only fell down once
because he heard that joke before.

And then one night, Louis B. Mayer gave
a musicale, and we were all invited.

There was Gracie and myself and Mary and
Jack.

He was going to introduce his new
singing star, Jeanette MacDonald.

And after dinner, they lined up two rows
of chairs around the piano.

And when Jeanette McDonald got up to
sing her famous song, In Your Love Call,

hush fell over the room.

And I leaned over to Jack and I said,
Jack, when this charming lady starts to

sing, it would be very rude if you were
to laugh.

Well, she no sooner got the first note
out of her throat when he fell down and

he laughed, I had to carry him out of
there.

So he not only ruined Jeanette
MacDonald's song, but he ruined Louis B.

musicale.

So you see, I'm not the only one who
makes him laugh. Jeanette MacDonald made

him laugh, too.

And you can't blame him because Indian
Love Call is a very, very funny song.

Anyway, as I said, Jack, we've been
friends for 55 years, and it's time we

stopped lying to each other. And I know
that you despise my singing.

Can I tell you something? I still think
I sing better than you play that lousy

violin.

Thank you, Dean, and thanks for the lift
tonight.

Dean was kind enough to drive me over
here tonight. I'd like to lay to rest

the rumor that he sometimes drives under
the influence.

To be able to handle a car the way Dean
does, a man has to be completely sober.

Otherwise, he'd never been able to make
that U -turn in the car wash.

I'm here tonight to salute Jack

Benny, about whom it has been said,
never has one man

given so little to so few.

Well, I just want to set the record
straight on this thing. This man has

much for so many.

Secretly, of course.

He's kind of a closet philanthropist.

I'm going to reveal an even more
heartwarming secret.

And, Jack, I hope this won't embarrass
you. I really do.

Jack Benny saved my life.

It's true.

When I first came to Hollywood,
struggling young actor, one Christmas I

found myself in the hospital badly in
need of a blood donor.

And this kind gentleman volunteered.

And as I was getting the transfusion, I
thought to myself, what an unselfish

man. And when I get out of this
hospital, I'm going to have to repay him

$50 present.

And about halfway through the
transfusion, I thought, why embarrass

by overdoing it?

Twenty -five dollar gift would be less
ostentatious. Would you believe it? By

the time I had a quart of Jack Benny's
blood in, I just said to myself, to heck

with it, a Christmas card's good enough.

I love Norm Crosby.

He's a real straight guy, but he talks
sideways.

And he's a real funny man.

Mr. Norm Crosby.

Thank you very much.

That was lovely.

You very really said some very reclining
things about me.

And we are good friends, and I've done
your show many, many times.

And I must tell you something.

Jack Benny, with all the big stars, with
all the super upper echelon guys that

we've had on this show, Jack is the
first one ever to personally phone each

every person on the days.

I mean that. He was the first roastee to
took the trouble to be so inclined.

And I thought, I really did, I thought
it was a lovely gesture.

Until I spoke to some of the other
people here and we discovered that he

looking for a ride to the studio.

I did call you back, Jack, but the line
was busy. I guess somebody was using

your phone booth.

Jack Benny is a gentleman.

He is probably the only person in the
world ever to go to Disneyland to get

mugged.

But he can really charm an audience. I
saw him in Las Vegas recently. Remember?

We came back and talked.

And he had the audience in the palm of
his hand, which gives you some idea of

the size of the audience.

People say that Jack is a bit frugal.
You heard all the jokes, right, that my

fellow procurers here said about him.

But it's not true. It is not true. He's
peculiar.

Jack is the only man ever to play a $40
,000 Stradivarius with a bow from

JCPenney.

Jack happens to be in pretty good shape.
He really is. In the morning, when he

hears snap, crackle, and pop, it's not
the cereal, that's his bones.

I'd like to borrow a line from Sarah Lee
and say that nobody, but nobody,

doesn't love Jack Benny.

Ladies and gentlemen, distinguished
conductor of the Los Angeles

Orchestra, Maestro Zubin Mehta.

Thank you, Mr. Martin.

I have had the rare privilege of
conducting the Los Angeles Philharmonic

Jack Benny as guest soloist.

That is, of course, if you could call
such a thing like that a privilege.

I'll never forget our concert in the
Hollywood Bowl.

The minute Jack walked on the stage, all
of a sudden it turned very cold.

Although that's what it seemed to be
because the entire orchestra was wearing

their earmuffs.

All throughout the performance, the
audience was glued to their feet.

It was the only way we could get them to
sit down.

There was especially one memorable
moment when Jack began a very difficult

passage from the Mendelssohn Violin
Concerto.

Everybody on the orchestra turned around
amazed, looked at me and him, because

we were at the same moment busy playing
Beethoven's Fifth Symphony.

There's one particular moment that I
shall never forget.

It was when the entire audience stood up
and shouted, More!

More!

With death after Jack had announced a
five -minute intermission.

my next guest, Pearl Bailey.

Pearlie Mae.

Pearlie Mae loves you, Jack.

She loves everybody.

She's got so much love in her heart,
there's hardly any room for cholesterol.

Ladies and gentlemen, here's a lady
who's everybody's favorite, and mine,

Pearl Bailey.

The reason I'm here tonight is that,
I'll tell you, I'm a little

Just a little. I'm here for you, it's
true, but Dean and him said there was

going to be a roast.

I see peanuts, I see jelly candy, but
there's no roast.

You know, and I came, I didn't even eat
my dinner.

I thought that roast meant we'd talk to
Jack Benny and talk about him, and then

we'd eat.

Roast. It isn't that kind of roast.

Oh, then it's you.

Great act.

He'd sit in that dressing room and hear
his act. He talked about George Burns.

Then he talked about George Burns.

Well, that was his act. That was what it
was.

Jack Benny's getting on.

You know, I'd go through sometimes the
casino and say, gee, what a great show.

This man is magnificent.

But Pearl, isn't he getting on?

I thought to myself, getting on, that
isn't even a problem, baby.

Look, I'm waiting. I followed him. It
was getting him off. That was it.

Now I'd like to introduce one of the two
funniest guys in the entire team of

Rowan and Martin.

Here's my real good buddy, Mr.

Dick Martin.

I'm very glad to be here tonight because
I think if you took a poll of people in

show business, they would unanimously
agree that of all the comedians alive

today, Jack Benny, without question, is
the oldest.

However, knowing I was going to be
called here, I really wanted to learn a

little more about Jack Benny the man. So
I called Mary, and that's Jack's wife,

and she very kindly loaned me his diary.

A lot of you probably don't know that
Jack keeps a diary every day, and I'm

he won't mind if I read an excerpt or
two.

Like this day here.

9 .32 a .m., woke up.

9 .33, rushed to mirror to see if eyes
were still blue.

11 .03, Rochester came in the room and
asked for a raise in salary.

11 .04, paid him his salary in raisins.

Maybe if I stammered like Jimmy.

1 .35, Mary reminded me it was our 45th
wedding anniversary.

1 .36, had the feeling to go down to Van
Cleef in Arpel and buy a $50 necklace.

1 .37, sat down until the feeling went
away.

3 .31, remembered it was George Burns'
birthday.

3 .22, went to Mount Sinai Maternity
Ward waiting room.

4 .38, finally had enough cigars for
George's birthday present.

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Mark Spitz.

You know, Jack Benny had a fabulous
career in show business.

But I was surprised to find out he had
an impressive background in many sports.

For instance, he used to shag flies in a
zipper repair shop.

I don't remember that.

Then he also competed in my sports,
swimming, in the 1910 Olympics.

He entered the dog paddle event and beat
Rin Tin Tin by a nose.

But his most spectacular feat was as a
weightlifter.

Not many people know this, but one day
Jack snatched and pressed 300 pounds.

The lady in question broke both his
wrists.

A fact that was to affect his entire
comedy style. You see, the doctor who

them was from Denmark.

Just a lot of your friends in Mars
couldn't make it here tonight.

They're senile and they got lost.

However, we have some telegrams and I'd
like to read them for you here.

The first one comes from your wife,
Mary. It reads, Dear Jack, please come

at once.

I'm all out of dimes and I have to go to
the bathroom.

Ladies and gentlemen, a great guy and a
great entertainer, Mr. Wayne Newton.

Thank you. Thank you, Dean. It's really
great to be here on what I know will be

a glowing tribute to a great man, Mr.
Jack Benny. I say I know, Dean, because

can see that you've already got your
glow started.

You know, you and I have worked together
so many times in Las Vegas, and I

really feel like I've gotten to know
you.

And, of course, a lot of my friends,
when they heard that I work with you an

awful lot, they asked me a lot of
questions about you. Like, they asked

instance, if you wore a toupee.

I told them, of course not. You just
have cheap -looking hair.

Of course, they ask me a lot of personal
questions like, how's your marriage

holding up? And of course, I was happy
to tell them that you really have a

marriage. Just imagine, after 45 years,
Mr.

and Mrs. Benny still share a romantic
glass of wine at bedtime.

I know, because Mrs. Benny told my wife
that every night she goes to bed with a

cold duck.

We have Mr. Rich Little. Now, Rich
Little, he is known as the man with a

thousand voices.

If Mother Nature is going to give you
some extras, that's better than getting

thousand noses.

Ladies and gentlemen, here's the best in
the whole world when it comes to

impersonating anybody, Mr. Rich Little.

I don't know whether you've noticed or
not, but Jack Benny's been doing a lot

TV lately.

You know, I guess he got tired of
sitting around and letting me do all the

for him.

As a matter of fact, Jack is in so much
demand lately.

that when NBC introduced the concept to
use show business personalities as

newscasters, they came to Jack with a
million -dollar offer. A million

dollars. And Jack said... Well...

So Jack ended up doing the news.

Hello, folks.

This is Jack Benny in New York City with
his 1

,423rd farewell newscast.

And this is George Burns in Washington.

Go ahead, Jack. I think you go first
tonight.

I went first last night and he almost
killed me.

He would have, but it meant plane fare
back to Washington.

Now, here is the news.

Benny Kibilski reported.

Today in New York, the mayor handed the
city council a new

budget for the year. You see, and you
know.

And the amount was said to be in excess
of four and a half...

How can anything be in excess of $4 .5
billion?

What does the mayor of New York plan to
do with all that money?

Buy Chicago?

Guys, that's a great line.

is my very good friend to give you all
the sports, Mr.

Jimmy Stewart.

Thank you. Thank you, Jack. Thank you,
Jack.

I'm

here.

to... I just... I am...

And the thing is that I just

don't understand it.

Here are the latest football scores for
today.

7, 4, 9, 3, 22.

Gee, I still like Bye, Chicago.

Good night, everybody.

Here's the very talented offspring of
TV's Sanford and Son, Mr. DeMond Wilson.

Thank you, James.

It's a real pleasure for me to be here
tonight to pay tribute to...

Uh, what's this dude's name?

Don't tell me I know.

You're that nice Jewish boy who used to
be on Rochester's show.

I know it was your show. I mean, and I
know that you and Rochester had a long

and happy working relationship together.
Right up until the time President

Lincoln issued the Emancipation
Proclamation.

Jack's show did a lot for the image of
black people in America.

You ready?

Before Jack came along, everybody
thought blacks were only fit to be

boys and railway porters.

The Jack Benny program proved to America
that they could also be chauffeurs,

dishwashers, and houseboys.

You see, Jack's show represented a real
breakthrough for black performers.

At that time, the only radio show on the
air about blacks was Amos and Andy, and

it used white actors to play the parts
of black people.

But Jack Benny refused to hire a white
to play the part of a black because Jack

was a visionary. He could see into the
future, too.

He knew the television was coming, and
it would have cost him a fortune in

cork.

You know I'm only kidding about all
this, Jack. I really love you.

And I'd give you a great big kiss right
now to prove it. But I'm afraid my burnt

cork would rub off on you.

Now here's a guy who looks hard for
laughs and he always gets them. Mr. Jack

Carter, ladies and gentlemen.

My goodness, it's nice to be here at
this marathon for stuttering.

I never saw everything where all the
professionals are stuttering and Mark

spoke beautifully.

And I remember when Joey Bishop got here
and he was alive and well.

But I love Jack. I really, I go back
such a long way with him. As a kid, I

missed his radio program.

to hear them, and that theme song is, I
love to spend each Sunday with you.

Ask friend to friend, I'm sorry, it's
through.

Then he'd come on, Jell -O again, this
is Jack Benny, Rochester, Mary, Dennis,

Phil. That wasn't a show, it was a damn
roll call.

And look at all the great people that
showed up tonight, all these big, giant

friends of Jack's, like Dick Martin, God
love him, always smiling, Mr. Teeth,

you ever see such a set of teeth?

He smiles, he lights up a room. One day
Nixon's going to dim his mouth.

Look at him. I'm starting to stutter
now.

God bless Dick. He was a bartender, you
know. That's right. He was a bartender.

Then he got lucky with laughing.

And look what he did. He gave a break to
people like Ruth Buzzy and Goldie Hawn

and Artie Johnson. And I hope they don't
forget you, Dick.

I hope they come around to visit you
when you're tending bar again.

But he and Dean are the best of buddies.
And why not? You ever see a drunk that

doesn't have his own bartender?

And I was kidding, Mark Spitz. It's nice
to see Mark here, the Jewish Charlie

the tuna.

I love that milk commercial. Can you
imagine Dean doing that?

Everybody needs milk except me. I need
booze.

And Richard, Richard, fabulous. You
really are. And right after this dinner,

taking Richard to a motel.

He promised me he's going to do Sophia
Loren.

Did you put this abuse?

Jack did not have to be here to eat
cheap jokes. He didn't need this. His

is cheap enough.

Look at this. Here with the peanuts.

With the plastic flowers.

With a rented audience.

And a cardboard cutout. Look at this.

A nickel cardboard cutout. Man of the
week.

Not even man of the year or the month.
Man of the week, right?

I don't think you'll last a damn night.
Look at this.

He loves doing things for people.

As a matter of fact, about a week ago,
the Hebrew home for the aged came to

for a donation, and just like that, he
gave him George Burns.

They're inseparable. They played golf
together recently. They were at

and Jack swung at a ball, and that's it.
The behind locked.

The disc ran out, and Jack, he froze. He
was like a Buick hood ornament.

So George drove him to Mount Sinai
Hospital. The nurse came out and said,

pain? He said, no, I'm a new ride at
Disneyland, you idiot.

A couple of years ago, they asked
Rochester, Rochester, did you ever hear

Scrooge? He said, hear about him? Hell,
I worked for him.

Good night, Jack. God bless you.

Oh, hi. And now, Jack, we are pleased to
have with us a man who

has known and served you for many years.

He... He's the general who makes out
your income tax returns for you. Would

all please welcome Jack Benny's
accountant, Mr. Foster Brooks.

Thank you, Mr. Martin. It is a great
honor.

And it's really for me to be here
tonight to pay tribute... to

pay tribute to that fine, decent,
upright, generous

human...

humanitarian

Mr. Jackman.

Did I get it right, Scrooge?

I believe you can tell a lot about a man
by his in -account tax return.

And so I've brought along Mr.

Benny's tax return.

I'm sure that Mr. Benny will not mind if
I read a few things.

just to prove what an ordinary, honest,
straightforward cheapskate he

really is.

Now, under income, we have $1

,078 ,000.

$1 ,078 ,000.

One million from nightclubs, television,
concerts, and commerce.

and $78 from the return of empty soda
bottles he collected in his

Now, under charitable contributions, we
have a grand total of zilch.

Don't get the wrong idea. That's not the
problem. Because...

Mr. Benny is just cheap.

It's just because, as his wife once
explained, at his age he can't even give

away.

And I would like to conclude by telling
you that Mr. Benny is

one of the most generous individuals I
know.

Last year I was invited to his and
Mary's... 45th anniversary party.

Jack married her when he was minus six.

Anyway, and on the occasion, Jack threw
this lavish banquet at

McDonald's.

And in the middle of the festivities...

out to Jack and said, excuse me, but
it's been days since I've had a square

meal.

And with tears in his eyes, Jack looked
at him and said, gee, gee, I'd love to

help you, but all they serve here are
hamburgers and they're...

Now I plan to hear from our man of the
week.

Ladies and gentlemen, with great pride,
I give you America's favorite comedian,

Mr. Jack Benny.

I don't think I can follow my own
auditor.

Dean, thank you very much.

Ladies and gentlemen, I'm in the most
difficult position of any

personality that has ever been roasted
on the Dean Martin Show.

Because nearly everything they said
about me is true.

I am cheap, stingy, frugal.

I was going to say penurious, but nobody
on this dais would know what the hell I

was talking about.

I'm flattered to be here because it
isn't everybody who can be chosen

man of the week.

You have to be listed in the phone book.

Now, look at this date.

Really.

Now, what do I have in common?

Let's pick it apart a little bit.

What do I have in common with Mark
Spitz?

I've had a swimming pool for 40 years.

It was only used once. My cat fell in.

And it's a big deal. Mark Spitz crosses
a swimming pool in six and two -tenths

seconds.

When I cross a pool, I call Charlton
Heston and have him pardon.

Now, the only thing I have in common
with Jack Carter is our first name.

I'll tell you how well I know Jack
Carter.

We met about ten years ago in a
department store on an escalator.

I was going up, and he was coming down.

He waved at me, I waved back, and a
bottle of cologne fell out of my sleeve.

Now, of course, you all know that the
closest friend I have in this business

George Burns.

And we're around...

the same age.

Give it or take a couple of minutes.

And we have a lot in common. Now,
something like this was mentioned

the evening, but we can't help that when
we prepare material.

We don't know what they're going to say.
But the other night, George and I went

to see, and I won't mention the picture,
and it wasn't deep throat, we went to

see an X -rated movie.

And we both fell asleep.

However, when we went to see Sound of
Music, we both sat on the edge of our

seats and enjoyed every minute of it.

And like two idiots, we left the theater
hand in hand, humming the tunes.

And of course, the way I walk, everybody
was staring at me.

You know, everybody gets me about that.
Bob Hope started the whole thing about

the way I walk, and he walks like I do,
you know.

But I've been walking that way for
years.

We all have our ways of walking. There's
nothing we can do about it, but I swear

I'm not effeminate.

Dean, have I ever bothered you?

Now, another one of my very close
friends here tonight is Zubin Mehta, the

conductor of the Los Angeles
Philharmonic.

Zubin has conducted many times for me
when I gave my concerts, not only here

Los Angeles, but when I played with the
Israeli Symphony in Tel Aviv.

Zubin, now this is not something I'm
making up.

Zubin flew.

all the way from here to Tel Aviv, to
conduct for me. I would have been afraid

to play there without him.

Now, asking Zubin Maida, this great
conductor, to conduct for me

really takes guts.

It's like asking Van Gogh to paint Merry
Christmas on the window of the May

Company.

Now, Dick Martin, what can I say about
Dick Martin that Dan Rowan hasn't

said about?

Behind his back yet.

Jimmy Stewart, of course, is a personal
friend of mine. And he and his wife,

Gloria, are great animal lovers, which
you probably all know. And they're on

board of the zoo, the Los Angeles Zoo.

So every year around the holidays,

Jimmy rings my doorbell and asks me to
buy a raffle ticket on an elephant.

Now, what the hell am I going to do with
another elephant?

The one I got drives me nuts.

Throwing his peanut shells all over the
living room and everything.

I thought Rich Little was very clever
tonight with his many voices.

But then, he always did.

The only problem is, you don't know who
to thank.

Or is it whom to thank?

In fact, I asked Joey Bishop, before I
showed him the script, I said, which is

correct, who or whom?

And Joey said, I ain't sure.

So then I asked Demond Wilson if he
knew, which was correct.

And he said, it all depends on the
circumstances which might or might not

mitigating.

You all know Wayne Newton is on this
show, and he looks good.

He lost so much weight, and he's got
that long hair.

I wish I could grow long hair.

I've tried everything. I've even put
bandini on my head.

And all I got was crabgrass.

Well, I think I've about talked just
about long enough.

And I must say, Dean, I really
appreciate it.

this evening's tribute.

Let's face it, all of us in show
business enjoy recognition.

And believe me, it wasn't easy for me at
first to make it in Hollywood.

I can't drink like you do.

I can't act like George C. Scott.

And when it comes to Frank Sinatra,
well, good night, folks.

Well, that's our show for tonight. I
want to thank all my wonderful guests

being here and my deepest gratitude to
our man of the week, Jack Benny.

Jack invited me to dinner tonight. I
heard him call and reserve two stools at

Orange Julius stand.

I may be a little late. Keep the hot
chocolate warm.

See you later.