All language subtitles for Dean Martin Hugh Hefner (1973)

The Dean Martin Celebrity Roast, coming
to you from the MGM Grand Hotel in the

entertainment capital of the world, Las
Vegas, Nevada.

Ladies and gentlemen, from the beautiful
Z -Cell Room, tonight's star -studded

roast has brought together some of the
world's greatest entertainers.

They've come from all over the world to
be here tonight, here in Las Vegas, in

person.

Your Roastmaster, Dean Martin.

And the most very special man of the
week, Hugh Hefner.

It's really an honor for me to be on the
dais. It's an honor because I'm usually

under the dais.

The real success he has is at playboy
clubs all over the country, and you've

to give the guy a lot of credit.
Actually, he started out with only two

But you know how bunnies multiply.

Now, he was really an American success
story. Yet, as a boy, he picked himself

out of the gutter.

Unfortunately, he left his mind there.

I tell you, this guy really leads a
swinging life.

I was up to his mansion once, and I saw
his bedroom.

He gets so much action, he's got the
only waterbed with white caps.

There's been a lot said and written
about Hugh, but I'll tell you one thing.

I've been in his company many times, and
Hugh is as American as apple pie, and

about as thrilling.

And now I would like to introduce Mr.
Billy Baxter, a comedian who comes to us

from England.

Billy?

Baxter.

Thank you very much. Thank you. And it's
a

pleasure to be honoring this remarkable
gentleman, ladies and gentlemen. This

afternoon I was watching television and
I happened to see the movie Patton.

And it occurred to me that General
Patton and the entire 7th Army never saw

action that this gentleman has seen.

When his magazine first came out in
England, it was a little racy for us,

know, at that particular time. The first
issue, they put a zipper on the

flyleaf.

I always remember the centerfold. It was
Miss February, a very voluptuous young

lady. And we were rather confused
because we always thought February only

28.

Perhaps they said, why did you come to
America in the first place? Actually,

it's an interesting story. England's
getting a little strange, you know. They

passed a law recently.

making homosexuality legal.

And it was such a success, I thought
they were going to make it compulsory.

He also asked me a very strange
question. He said, did you celebrate the

July in England this year?

Which, of course, we don't celebrate the
4th of July in England, sir. You know,

we've lost an entire country. There's
nothing to celebrate.

Actually, we could never have won the
war in the first place when you think of

it for many reasons. I think, number
one, We were overdressed.

Little red velvet jackets, knickers,
white stockings. I mean, when you look

that, you don't want to fight anybody,
do you?

You want to dance with them, you know.

And then we carry that band around with
us, you know.

You can't go to war with a band.

How can you have a surprise attack?

You've got a bunch of fellas four miles
ahead playing when the saints go

marching in.

Ridiculous. After four days, the enemy
was shouting out for requests.

And you knew how to behave when you won
a victory because you used psychology.

We didn't, you see. Every time we had a
victory, we'd celebrate with tea and

biscuits.

You'd celebrate with booze and broads.

Now, if you're a soldier, what's going
to make you fight harder? Knowing if you

win, you're going to get tea and
biscuits or booze and broads.

I'd like to introduce Mr. Howard Cosell.
Howard's been my friend for a long

time, and there are many reasons for
that, mostly bad luck.

You won't believe this, but at first
Howard weighed 12 pounds.

His tongue weighed nine.

Ladies and gentlemen, here he is, the
man you see every Monday night on

League football, the man with the
AstroTurf toupee, Mr. Howard Cosell.

Ladies and gentlemen, an extraordinary
moment for all of us, especially for

Dino, to have had the thrill of
introducing me in his utterly

Yogi Berra way.

I'll tell you this, Yogi Berra couldn't
have done it better, Dean. You are an

utterly amazing man.

He's really something.

He's a man that never had the benefit of
a grammar school, high school, or

college education.

but through his own initiative and
determination, managed most successfully

remain stupid.

On the other side of the coin, it's
always a

pleasure to attend the testimonial for a
man who has made a great, a major

contribution to the society.

And someday I may have that pleasure.

I've got to tell you what I do admire
about you through all of the years.

The body.

Look at it.

So taut, so tight, so tense, so live, so
supple, so agile, so mobile.

Capable of every movement in the
chronicle of the male sex.

Many people in this country have been
misled.

They remember the centerfold, the
classic one, in Cosmopolitan magazine,

they thought they were seeing Burt
Reynolds.

Only the face was Burt's, the body was
Hugh's.

In Hugh Hefner, we have the honor,
tonight, to be honoring, to be roasting,

the biggest nothing I have ever known.
Hugh, we are very proud to be here with

you.

Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Audrey
Meadow.

Thank you.

It is my honor tonight to make a
presentation to Hugh Hefner on behalf of

the women of America.

You know, women have always thought that
there was something obscene about their

bodies. And it took Hugh Hefner to show
them exactly what it was.

And a lot of people criticize Hugh.

for filling his magazine with photos of
nude women. But actually, he only does

it for humanitarian reasons.

He likes to give girls who can't afford
clothes a job.

Now, the Women's Liberation Movement
claims that Hugh portrays females solely

sex objects.

They say he presents a totally false
picture of what a woman is. Well, that's

poppycock. Hugh shows women as they
really exist in the mind of every red

-blooded American pervert.

The women of America wish to thank you.
Now, for 20 years, you've glorified our

bodies through the art of photography.

So tonight, we would like to return the
favor.

Ladies and gentlemen, Jackie Gayle.

Dean, I'd like to say you've come a long
way from Steubenville when you thought

kung fu was an Italian curse word.

And I don't understand how they could
have a roast for a man like this.

I mean, the man is nice. I worked for
this man for years in the playboy clubs.

I worked there so many years, I started
to recognize the bunnies by their faces.

And he's kind to these girls. This man
is kind.

You never see an old bunny because he
retires them to a bunny home in

Nevada.

That's right.

He has this home for these girls.

This wonderful man, where he gives them
hot chicken soup and shows them color

slides of Big Tippers out of the past.

That's right.

I know a girl who wanted to be a bunny,
but unfortunately she... It meant

something to her, but she didn't have
the measurements.

So she went to see a doctor about
silicone.

But that's right. She couldn't afford
it. So she had to sell a putty.

That's right.

This girl was a 40 too long.

And you've got people here. You've got
Tom Hall is here.

This country singer.

I know what I've been working those
country towns, Tom. I've been in those

towns, baby. Eating them grits.

You believe grits?

It looks like, you know what grits is.
You know what grits is? It looks like

farina dipping cement.

That's right. The more you eat, the more
it multiplies.

Dick Martin, it's good to see you, Dick.

Smiling like usual.

Stop bugging Dean to team up. He don't
need a pot.

I love Dick Martin. He's got a smile. It
looks like he's got two sets of uppers

and two sets of lowers.

That's right. If you and Dom DeLuise
ever do a show together, you'll blind

states.

Geez, I got some good stuff here
tonight.

I didn't think it was going to be this
good, Dean.

It looks shaky to me, but I took a shot
with it.

Joey Bishop.

It's an effort for you to come out,
Joey. He sits by the phone waiting for

Johnny Costner to get sick.

And of course, Howard Coselli, eloquent
Howard. 40 million people listen to you,

Howard. 40 million people listen to this
man on a Monday night.

Announce a football game.

Unfortunately, it's not the same game
they're playing on the field.

I never heard anybody laugh at a game
like that in my life.

And his name was a lawyer.

And what a lawyer this man was.

A big day for him was repossessing a
Hudson.

This great lawyer.

This man took a traffic ticket, had to
reduce the second degree manslaughter.

And I want to say something here. I
don't care what these people say about

You're okay in my magazine.

I just have a little thing for you for
me. It's a sentimental thing because I

think a lot of you.

You've had fame.

You've had fortune.

You've had girls galore.

But I know when you reach your final
hours, you'll still be yelling, Get me

more! Get me more! Get me more! Thank
you.

Good boy, good boy. Now I'd like you to
meet my old pal and neighbor, a real

funny man, Mr. Dick Martin. I've known
him a long time, and I'm happy to say

that I helped make Dick what he is
today, a wino.

But Dick is no dummy.

He is one of the only two men in America
who knows which one is Roan and which

one is Martin.

There is my buddy, Mr. Dick Martin.

You, Hefner, is a man who found out at
an early age that life begins at 40,

26, 36.

You know, usually the recipient of a
tribute like this is awarded a scroll or

plaque or something in recognition of
the contribution.

Now, you may think I'm fumping, but not
really.

That's timing.

That's timing.

But instead of a...

You know that's how I keep it going?

But a lot of your friends here at the
dais and other people have contributed

gifts to you, you, that'll add to the
decor of your home in Homeby

Hills.

As a matter of fact, the first one in
your, the stairway.

You know the stairway there? You know
it. You live there, right?

It's a set of stained glass windows.

depicting the scenes from the life of
Saul Mineo.

The unlisted and private phone number of
Regis Philbin.

Joe Bishop is here tonight, and I'm just
going to give him his usual

introduction.

Johnny couldn't be here tonight.

So filling in for him is Mr. Joey
Bishop.

I want to tell you how thrilled I am to
be here at these auditions.

You happened to come to visit me
earlier, and he dropped an address.

And you left this in the dressing room,
and I

ran to give it back to you. I want to
make sure it was yours.

This is your little address book. You've
got 350 names in here, and they're all

guys.

Let us take inventory of what we're
doing here tonight. This is very, very

important to me. Now, here are some
great publishers, some great men.

We're all here paying tribute to a smut
peddler.

We'll honor you. I thought they meant
me.

They meant you.

I don't even know this man. I'll give
you my word of honor. I met him once,

right at the Playboy Club.

Right? Jackie Gale was the star. And
they said to me, you'll come and you'll

honor him. Okay, I said, all right.

Once in Chicago, he was kind enough. I
was working at a little place called

Divine Gardens.

It was a big thrill for me because...
They didn't have any marquee, nothing.

They had a black wall, and they wrote my
name in Banami.

And I was headlining.

And here's the payoff.

The night I opened, it rained, so I
got... There was no name there.

And I said, okay, it'd be my pleasure.

You were kind enough then.

Unknown as I was, you said to me, I want
you to come to my home. Do you remember

that? Do you remember? If you could just
stay awake a few more minutes.

I think...

Do you remember that?

Do you remember me going to your home in
Chicago in the Playboy Club? And you

had two cooks, a Chinese cook and a
Jewish cook. And you have not lived

you've had Jewish -Chinese heartburn.

Could you please tell me what is it
you're looking forward to?

You're kidding.

With Tony Fields?

I just want to sum all of this up by
saying, ladies and gentlemen, if you're

familiar with the Roos, you know we only
rib someone we're very, very proud and

happy to know. All the things you hear
about, you Hefner, are not true. The

boozing with the broads and all, it's
not. If they were, you have my word of

honor, they would have thrown them out
of the Communist Party years ago.

Now, ladies and gentlemen, this is our
man of the week.

Mr. Hugh Hefner. Hugh!

And this is an

evening that I'll never forget.

Though I'm certainly going to try.

It's really kind of a special treat when
you come to a roast where the host is

already fried.

But I do want to thank everybody
connected with this, for me, rather

evening. Thank you, Joey, Dick, Jackie,
Billy, Audrey, Loretta, Tom,

and of course, Humble Howard.

The original deep throat.

Well, all kidding aside, it's been a
ball.

And I never really realized it was
possible to have as much fun sitting up.

Thank you.

Good night.

Well, that's our show for tonight.

And I want to thank all my wonderful
guests and you.

It was indeed a pleasure honoring you
this evening.

It was an honor well deserved.

I wish you the best. And if you phone
Frank Sinatra, he'll tell you who they

are.

Good night, everybody.

I'm on my way home, Catherine. Warm up
to hot chocolate.